neurotic Iraqi wife
September 30, 2004
Before going into the details I just wanna write a few sentences describing HUBBY. When I first met HUBBY,I used to talk to him about how I really wanted to help the people of Iraq and that I dont really fear for my life, he thought I was crazy(poor guy didnt know what he was getting himself into by marrying me). I have mentioned in a previous post how he would tell me that Iraq is just a piece of land and that all we got from it was pain. That was HUBBY talking 18 months ago....
The HUBBY today is someone completely different. The minute he stepped on Iraqi soil, the passion just flared for his country and he was adamant to find a job that will be of great use to the Iraqis. He succeeded and joined one of the companies...At first he was excited, he couldnt believe that after 25 years of being away from his country he was actually there in person. He loved it, loved the people, loved the place. He would tell me that what we see in the news and the media is an exxageration, that it isnt really that bad.
He became immune to the mortar attacks, and that by itself is an achievement cuz HUBBY was the type that would jump if a door got slightly slammed(aaaaah,poor baby,hehe). Till now when I complain to him and tell him what has the world come to, why all the killings and kidnappings are taking place??He would keep insisting that the majority of Iraqis are peace loving people and just wanna survive and look after their families.
The problem is the company he is at. Things were going smoothly the first few weeks but then him and other Iraqi expats realised that they were being sidelined with a capital S. One of the BIG GUYS, kept HUBBY and his fellow colleagues from interacting with the local Iraqis, and told them that its non of their business. HUBBY became furious, how is it non of their business???Its his country his people after all, and he is there to help with the rebuilding. But the BIG BOSS, became unbearable and started giving the Iraqi expats a real hard time by lowering their positions in the company and giving them silly paper work to work on instead of the real thing. They even began to remove Iraqi locals from their positions...WHY???
At one point the BIG BOSS even threatened HUBBY that if he doesnt listen to orders then he will be transferred to another department. I know how HUBBY is, he will never ever be rude or disrespect anyone, he is an easy going guy and very amicable. So I am sure that he hasnt done anything to provoke the BIG BOSS. I have also been told similar stories by other guys who I know that are working in Iraq, and they too are complaining that to them this is just a scam. That they are being employed just to show the world look we have employed Iraqis to do the job.
HUBBY says who better to understand Iraqis than Iraqis themselves???So the big question here why are the companies doing this???and what is their motive by employing Iraqis then sidelining them???
Although I cant wait to have HUBBY back with me, such stories just furiate me. When I ask HUBBY" so why are you staying if you are being treated so badly, when you can have a loving angelic(NOT) WIFE by your side who would look after you and be at your beck and call??" He simply laughs and says that he is hopeful that things will change and that the BIG BOSS, will at the end realise that what he is doing is wrong. Hmmm, fat chance HUBBY. Darn maybe I should go for the Strawberry Red after all.
Then he talks about how guilty he feels if he does leave. He keeps reiterating the point "If I leave and others like me leave, who is left to rebuild Iraq???" He says now is the time that people need us, now is the time that we can really do something that will allow Iraqis to live better lives than they are used to. He says "you wont be telling me to come back if you see the faces of these people and how much they need us to help them".
I have heard similar stories on another blog written by an American expat in Iraq, I aint gonna mention his name, but he too was complaining about his company and how Iraqis are not getting a fair share of the work. And he is an American mind you...
Dont get me wrong, Im not crtisizing the American people, but I am critisizing the policies of these companies. On what bases do they treat the Iraqis in this manner and why??? Who makes these strange policies???
September 29, 2004
Platinum Blonde or Strawberry Red???
I found myself free, independent, something I have always dreamed to be. My dad wasnt keen to sending me away to study, he wanted me to enroll in the universities that were close to them, but I filled all the applications behind his back and sent all the enrollment fees. Knowing that when push comes to shove he will succumb to it. The day I got my acceptance was a great day. And dad could not stop me....
The first year was great, and an eye opener to many things. One thing I discovered was something called "SUN IN". A hair spray that claims to "naturally" transform your hair from being dark to a lighter colour by spraying it on, and either going out in the sun or blow drying the hair. Since the UK is known for its horrible weather and the rare sight of the sun, I opted for the latter. And off I went to start my mission, spraying, blow drying, spraying, blow drying, spraying and blow drying, until one day, my hair turned blondish orange,yaaaaaaaaay, I have become a blonde!!!LOL. The problem was that end of term was near and I was due to visit my family for the christmas holidays. So I called up my mom and tried to warn her about the status of my hair subtley:
ME:Hi mom, how are things?
MOTHER: Hi, how are you, we all are looking forward to seeing you here with us
ME: Umm mom, there's something I wanna tell you
MOTHER: sure what is it? are you craving for a certain dish that you want us to cook for you??(I swear I dunno why all they care about is feeding me)
ME: Umm no mom, I just wanna tell you that umm, my hair, my hair has become abit lighter.
MOTHER: Lighter?what do you mean, and how?
ME: Umm theres some kind of a "natural" spray that you put on your hair and it just turns lighter with the sun
MOTHER: what sun are you talking about???There's no sun where you are at, its practically freezing
ME: Oh cmon mom, there is sun but you wont feel the heat cuz of the chill factor, so dont be surprised ok mom
MOTHER: Hmm, ok, we all miss you here....
Poor mom, didnt know what was waiting for her when she saw me at the airport, and the worst thing was that the "whole" family came to greet me, even my dad who never ever goes to the airport. I was waving and waving through the glass, but all I saw were bewildered eyes searching for someone. Hmm, I began to wonder, was there someone else they were expecting on that plane???But then my younger sister started jumping up and down,pointing at me and everyone, I mean everyone stood there with their mouths agape. I guess the sight of me with my new hair shocked them to the core..hehe
My dad started gesturing with his hands for me to go back on the plane, and my brother's face went into convulsions.....Umm what can I say except that I have left them a brunette and came back to them a weird shade of yellowish orange....and I absolutely LURVED it.....
Although it took me quite a while to understand their disgusted views, especially my brother's who said to me that I look like one of those "bad" girls and forced me to go to the hairdressers to "fix" the disaster I had done...Since then, I have become addicted to my hair. I would experiment with every dye I came across, with every style possible. All that done within the confinement of my university years.....I tried bright red, pitch black, yellow blonde, dark brown, aubergine, until I ended up with naturally blonde high lights with a caramel base and kinda got stuck on it.....
Apart from the colouring schemes, I have also discovered the use of the magical scissors. I would watch the hairdressers, and say "wow, thats easy, I can do that, I dont need a degree in hair to cut" and so a star was born,hehe. You know how sometimes when women get angry or depressed they leash their anger on their credit cards???Well my anger was centered around my poor hair. Instead of going shopping, I would hold the scissors and chop until I drop,lol....I would end up with a nasty work of art.
All this kinda stopped when I realised that I wasnt born with artistic fingers and so the hairdresser became my favourate person on earth. I have met so many of them, one in particular was totally nuts. He would keep on saying "eeeet eeez oool eeen zeee cut" hmm, oool een zeee wha'???? I would see him holding the scissors in the air along with some strands but is cutting the bloody air and not my hair.... After 2 gruelling hours, of cutting the air instead of the "hair" he said "oooooooook eeeet eeeez feeneetooo". Feeneeto???huh???I look at my hair its the same, I look at the floor, there's barely anything on it...I looked confused and asked"umm are you done??is this it???"(I was ready to strangle him, there I was sitting on my ass for 2 bloody hours thinking that im gonna turn into one of those ad models with my newest hair cut, FAT CHANCE) He looked at me with triumph in his eyes and said "eeeet eeez ooool eeen zeee cut my deeeeeer"
I got up paid a vast amount of money and left cursing the man, until this day....As for shoes, now thats another story, I am obssessed, totally and utterly.... I love shoes. But I aint going into that just yet. So since HUBBY loves blondes(dunno why all men do) I may pay a visit to a hairdresser and try out the new platinum blonde,yaaaaaaaay, cant wait....Or even better, I will ask for the new craze of Strawberry Red so that HUBBY would realise that his wife has lost it BIG TIME and would stay with me forever to relinquish whats left of the sane moi...hehe
So would it be Platinum Blonde or Strawberry Red???hmmm a difficult choice.....
September 28, 2004
Far from reality.....
Yesterday, I tried calling HUBBY, cuz I knew he had to go somewhere outside the green zone, and I have always told him to call me once he is back safely so I wont get worried. I waited, there was no call. So I decided to call him myself. The phone rang for quite some time, until he answered. He gave me the excuse of having tried to call me numerous times but the phone wouldnt work, aha, sure HUBBY. So after knowing that he was safe and sound, I asked him why did it take so long to answer the phone?? He simply said he was talking to "someone" from one of the ministries. He said this in Arabic(when you say certain words in arabic, you differentiate between the male and female,ie when you say I have spoken to someone you actually identify the gender of that person if you catch my drift) So I asked who is this "someone" he muttered a woman's name...Hmm, why would anyone talk to a woman outside working hours, when he saw that particular person during the day????
I could tell he felt uncomfortable and he went on saying that he wont be in the office tomorrow so he needed somethings to be done, Aha yeah, talking to so and so out side office hours....I lost my temper, and hung up. Call it whatever you want, jealousy, lack of self confidence, whatever it is, I just lost it. And I realised for that nano second I was ready to throw this marriage away. Yup I was willing to do it, I didnt call myself neurotic for no reason, did I now??? Thinking about it now, he could have lied and given me a man's name, but he didnt, although when he at first said "someone" he implied it to be a guy......So I do appreciate his honesty and would expect him to be like this all the time....
I actually have walked out on HUBBY before. Something I havent mentioned before. It was one of those down days, a very bad bad day you can say(a huge PMSing Day). I wont go into the details behind it since its kinda personal but believe you me, it was a day that I wouldnt want to go through again....
It was a day where I reached a point of melt down. I freaked out, I lost it. I lost all sanity. I started screaming my head off. I asked to know the truth but he wouldnt give me a straight answer. I HATE DISHONESTY, I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE IT. Im the type of person that says be honest with me even if its gonna kill me.
I didnt get a straight answer, so naturally, off I went into the bedroom, pulled my suitcase and stashed everything I owned, then walked out of the house. He tried to stop me, but never ever come near an angry Iraqi woman. Mind you he was still in his bathrobe, and there I was walking down the road, to reach the main one, so I can get a ride to the airport. Two minutes later the MR comes in his car, pulls a side and "tries" to talk to me...But I was seething.
In my mind, everything was over. The love story, the marriage, the dreams, everything just came to an end just like that. He tried so hard to get me in the car but I refused so the next best thing he did was take my suitcase, stash it in the boot, and lock the doors. Hmmm great move, I was stuck. My money was in that suitcase, my passport was in that suitcase, everything was in the darn suitcase. We stayed like that for about 90 mins, him trying to talk to me, and me crying my eyes out and screaming. Not a nice sight....
After 90 mins, I just was exhausted, I couldnt take it anymore, and told him to take me home, I needed to relax. I felt strange, I felt weak, physically weak. He then tried to explain to me the truth, but I still was angry and in pain. Why couldnt he have just explained it to me from the start???If he had answered me when I questioned him, I wouldnt have reacted in this way(Dont count on it tho, Im known for my fiery temper,poor guy). For the first time that night, we slept far apart....No hugs, no arms around each other, just far far apart. I woke up the next morning in a rotten mood, and didnt feel like talking to him, but after some time, I decided to give it another try and forget about it....
Although now, when we do recall the incident, we joke about it and laugh saying it would have been the talk of Iraqi society "BRIDE WALKS OUT ON HUSBAND AFTER 5 DAYS OF VACATION".Imagine what tasty news this will make, yummyyy....But I was told that the first year of marriage is the most difficult one, I guess, him being far apart is making it even more difficult...
So yes, if I do smell a rat I will walk away. I have done it before and I will do it again. Is it a sign of weakness??Nope it simply is saying IF you mess with me, I will leave, full stop. Although I will only take this severe action after exhausting all possible solutions, if it reached a dead end, to hell with it. I do admit though that I kind of pushed it to the extreme and acted in a manner that was far too insane. I guess my hormones were having a game of hide and seek and just lost the plot all together...Instead they opted out for throwing themselves off the pent house.....
But men will always be men, they will never understand how we feel and how we think. For them everything is "logical" or "practical" nothing is "emotional". Its stressful enough having to worry about him surviving mortar attacks. I want HUBBY to enjoy himself, I want him to have fun, I want him to achieve his dreams, I swear I do, but at the same time I want him to miss me as much as I miss him. I want him to remember me as much as I remember him...And he does in his own way, but hey Im demanding what can I say....I am blessed with my HUBBY, I really am, I wouldnt ask for anyone else, but I guess we need to spend more time together to understand each others antics better....
I have read an article in newsweek about how unhealthy the environment these contractors are living in. How far from reality it is, far from the reality of the real Iraq....
September 27, 2004
The Political Me
I know, I was naive then. I didnt think or believe that for one second Saddam will be gone. For me it was a dream that was proving to be quite difficult. During my time working for that group, I met many people, people who were tortured by the regime, people who had to run away in a dark night leaving everything they owned, everything they worked for all their lives because they knew that their time was coming....
One particular person I met was a man in his 40's but looked like someone in his 70's, why? The regime has cut his tongue, passed electric currents through his body and removed his toe nails one by one in agonising ways. Yes this is what Saddam's regime has done, and believe me this is nothing compared to the millions of others. Women were raped, abused and tortured infront of their families. I am sure you have read many accounts of this.
The reason why I am saying this, is that Saddam no doubt had TO GO. I cannot fathom for one second how Non Iraqi Arabs till this day keep chanting his name and call him "OUR LEADER" I cannot fathom for one second how people from certain parts of Iraq still hold his pictures up and start dancing!!!!Have you forgotten what he has done to you????Have you forgotten the fear he planted in your hearts????And its only now, only now your tongues are tasting the freedom to state whatever opinions you hold.
Have you forgotten????Have you forgotten how non of those neighbouring states came to your rescue when they knew what was happening in the prisons???Have you forgotten how these states stood and watched the atrocities but took no stance cuz they were living on your accounts???How the hell have you forgotten all this in such a short time????
I was against this war, simply like many others I feared that Saddam would blast his people with Chemicals. So yes I never supported the war, but it happened, and thats that. Having people till now argue about whether this war is justified or not is beyond me. THE DAMN THING TOOK PLACE, GET OVER IT!!!!
I was an avid speaker of politics, everyone who knows me, knows this about me. I was in the category of NO SADDAM and NO WAR. I was once asked by an American, why arent you(you being the Iraqis) grateful for what we have done for you. I answered him simply "I thank you for removing Saddam, but I will not keep thanking you for the rest of my life cuz innocent Iraqis did die in the name of this freedom" My name was already on the black list from entering Iraq during Saddam's time, almost all Iraqis outside suffered the same fate. Mine was due to my political stance. So really I aint frightened to state my opinion, nor do I care about the consequences.
When I used to say no to war, people called me a Baathist,lol, knowing extremely well, that I havent lived in my country since 1979(I was 5 then). When I said lets help the Americans and put our hands in their hands for them to build a new Iraq I was called an infidel.LOL. Really its a no win situation, and believe me I never gave a S*** what people said. Cuz I knew that Iraqis are full of complexities.
What we have now in Iraq is a situation that no one really envisaged. I hoped that if Americans had a plan to remove Saddam, then they certainly had a plan of the After math. But I was mistaken. They allowed Iraq to be the base for terrorism. Yes I blame the Americans for this. Why I blame them??Cuz they allowed it to happen. The Iraqi government has no control over whats going on...
Why the sudden outburst??Well, just 2 hours ago, I was watching a program on "Al Hurra" TV called "In Iraqi" and a man by the name of Sabah Al Qaisi, apparantely someone who is a member of an Islamic group in Iraq, stated that the killing of the National Iraqi force and anyone who is in anyway associated with the Americans is allowed!!!Can you believe the B******????This man is allowing the kidnappings, the slaughtering and the killings that is taking place in Iraq by stating that it is written in our Quran. The nerve of that man, the nerve of such people. The nerve of a man that allows the killings of innocent men who are trying to be the future of Iraq!!!!!
How dare he, how dare he taint our religeon in this manner and taint Iraqis with his filthy tongue...The other men in that particular program were, Mishaan al Jiboury, Bayan Jabr and Ahmed Al Jiboury. They all opposed what he said, they all lashed out at him, good for them. But that just proves to me, that this fight against those so called "Mujahideen" is far more complex than what people think. He said thats the only "right" way of fighting the occupation... What does he know of the right way???
The nerve of him suggesting that Arab armies should come and help instead of the multi national forces... He said that its the best solution. The other man, Bayan Jabr, answered him by saying "its those Arabs that you are talking about to come and help are the ones that are bombing the innocent Iraqis".... What a joke, he was also condemning the strikes on Fallouja, I think most of us do, but what would you do, if the father of a family comes along, brings those criminals to his house feeds them shelters them, among his own children, and then when the bombs get dropped everyone says "Hey look, its women and children that got killed". Who would you blame???Wouldnt you blame the assole who took those criminals in, and placing his own family in danger???
The government should take strong actions. There's no point in capturing the trouble makers and announcing it on TV but not do anything about it. Put their pictures on TV, all over the meida, encourage people to identify the gangs. Prosecute them, imprison them, teach them that what they are doing is a crime against humanity, against their own people. Talk to heads of state, order them to close the borders. Dont the neighbours claim they want to assist in any way, well this is their only chance to prove to Iraqis that they really are willing to help us in our quest for freedom and a life void of blood. This is your chance you Arab States, take it or leave it, and dont you dare interfere with our internal affairs. You and Iran, stay away. Your hero has gone to history's trash can, get over it.......Innocent Iraqis are dying everyday, not all Iraqis can afford body guards to protect them, let along food on their tables. Its only the hots shots who have their asses covered....
I have had it, I really have. People like that man make me sick and wanna puke...So yes this is the political me, and this is the only time Im gonna write my views. Politics is a dirty game, and I dont want my hands to get filthy.....
Umm Back to HUBBY, so HUBBY do you still believe that Iraq will flourish when we have Muqtada, Saddam's remininse and Non Iraqi Arabs fighting for one goal only, to destroy IRAQ??? Really you are my hero for believing in the cause, and I really pray that the day your dreams becomes one huge nightmare will never arrive....
Thats me, the Political Me.....
September 26, 2004
You see, its been a habbit lately, that whenever we go to a wedding or hear of one, we tend to make bets on how long it will last. I know it sounds mean, but with the divorce rates souring up high, especially with Iraqis, nothing shocks us anymore. So HUBBY answers"I think it was 2years". Only 2 years HUBBY, I would have presumed abit more than that. But hey I have another year and seven months of nagging and complaining, YAY,hehe....
Im actually very anxious to explain to people how Iraqis get married. Actually am not sure how they do it in Iraq itself but this is the way I have seen it to be done in every single Iraqi household I've been to.
Iraqi marriages consist of several parties which lead to the end result of MR and MRS so and so. Bare in mind that I'm a Shi'a and HUBBY is a Sunni(pls dont take me wrong when I specify the sect, but each sect/ religeon have their own special ways)so what im about to say here is based upon my own knowledge base. And I would appreciate it if someone reading this and finds something wrong, then by all means do correct me.
In the olden days women used to look for that perfect bride for their dear sons, either by asking neigbours, friends, relatives if there are girls of marital age, or by attending weddings, then they would keep their eye open for anyone who fits the criteria. After setting their eyes on a couple of them(mind you not one but a handful), they would then ask every single minute detail about the girls and their families, what do they do, where do they live, are they working, are they not, etc... then they would produce the photos to their beloved son, and he gets to choose from a collection(lucky B******).
After that they would ask a mediator to introduce the families only if they have no prior knowledge of each other. This is in the olden days, now it somehow differed, guys would meet their brides to be at colleges, universities, gatherings, outings so on and so forth, they do not really rely on their families to find them the girl of their dreams. Ok, now the ceremonies,
- Mashaya: which basically is when the men of the groom's side ,preferably the older ones, go to the bride's father and ask for her hand officially, the more men the better.
- Khutba/engagement: Both families celebrate the engagement either in a hotel or at the girl's house, and this is done by having the man place an engagement ring on the girl, then you can have either a dinner party or just plain partying.
- Henna: which is more or less like the hen night but doesnt involve a male stripper,what a pity,hehe. Its a party solely for the bride where she gets to invite all her friends and family(the women only). she would have fresh henna applied to her hands and anyone else who wants it. Then partying starts.
- Mahar: the meaning of this word in English is dowry. This usually takes place in the bride's home. You separate the men from the women. The bride has to wear a white night gown with a robe, this signifies purity, she would be sitting down with her feet in water and has a veil held up by 2 single girls from either sides, then ontop of the bride stands a happily married woman with 2 huge sugar blocks(really big ones) and starts to rub the blocks together(which ofcourse is being dropped onto the veil, confusing I know),this signifies good luck. The bride usually has a Quran in her lap and is reading some verses. <>
While all this is happening, the men are sitting with an Imam or a religeous person that is certified to marry people. The Imam would then ask questions about the dowry and if god forbid a divorce takes place then the amount of the settlement that the father would ask the groom to pay. Then the Imam would go to where the bride is (the Imam shouldn't see the bride, therefore there's a partition between them) and would ask the bride if she accepts so and so as a husband.
The women would then start making these noises with their tongues(sry I forgot the word in English)which makes the marriage official.(thanx to Ihath and AnaRki13, that word is ululations) Then the groom would go to the bride, puts on every type of jewellery he had bought for her, along with every member of his family, until she looks like a christmas tree. After that they either choose to have a party where the bride changes her outfits a couple of times, or a dinner.
Then the Big day takes place the Wedding day, where you invite everysingle person both families know. Usually its the groom's side that pays for everything but now adays some families tend to share the expenses. The Wedding consists of singers, sometimes belly dancers and what have you, Then the bride and groom would leave at the end of the party inorder to begin their new life together as a Married couple...
Some people may not opt out for the wedding party, they would just leave as a couple after the Mahar ceremony, it all depends on what both families have decided....
Ok so after all this blabbing above, HUBBY and I surpassed every single one of those and cut the chase short. We just had the Mahar, and I only wanted my direct family members attending. I didnt know I was getting married until a few days before that date. It was the only time HUBBY was able to take time off before he leaves for Iraq.
We were planning of having a dinner inviting some people, but the timing was wrong, since a relative of mine had passed away and it wasnt really appropriate...Since HUBBY and I werent too fussy about who would marry us(ie: a Sunni sheikh or a Shi'a one), we opted for a Sunni one cuz the Shi'a one had far more complications about a certain issue. It took about 45 mins until we were announced Husband and Wife, and no I didnt make the poor man repeat a million times if I wanted to get married to HUBBY. I believe that that tradition is only in Shia weddings.
After becoming Mrs HUBBY, we all went out for a simple dinner in one of my favourate restaurants. But the worst was yet to come,lol. I was asked by HUBBY before the ceremony whether I will be accompanying him to his hotel after we get married... Umm, I dont know HUBBY, I have to ask my family. That was the most embarrasing moments of my life. What the hell am I gonna ask my parents" Umm dad, mom, am I gonna go with HUBBY to his hotel to umm make love???"
I surpassed my dad, since there is no way in hell I would have the courage to ask him whether or not I will be consummating my marriage. So I went to my mom.
ME: Mom, can I ask you something?
MOM: sure what is it?
ME: Umm, am I going to HUBBY'S hotel tonight??
MOM: What? what for??
ok by now my face has turned crimson red and I wished I was invisible
ME: Umm mom, cuz you know...you know I will be married
MOM: yes?and so?
ME: MOM, I just wanted to know whether Im going to accompany HUBBY to the hotel or not, thats all.
MOM: No, not tonight. You are going to be off on your 3 day honeymoon tomorrow, so you can go tomorrow.
ME: Umm Ok mom, thanx.
By then I was seething. Till this day No one knows why my mom didnt allow me to go. Even my brother had a talk with her, but she was as stubborn as hell. Poor HUBBY was confused and kept complaining all the time...But I think it was just her way to show HUBBY that we are not giving our daughter so easily to you, just like the tradition with the Imam, since we didnt get to do that.
So what I did was, I woke up around 5 in the morning, packed my honeymoon bag and off I went to HUBBY, who was waiting eagerly to see his wife,hehe.....Arent you glad you married me HUBBY.......
PS:Sorry for the long post, but I got carried away.....
September 25, 2004
Its All Relative......
CONVERSATION WITH BROTHER 2 MONTHS AGO
ME: I want my HUBBY back, please try and talk some sense into him
BROTHER: Leave the man alone, dont stand against his ambitions.
ME: But this is not how I wanna live my life
BROTHER: Just be patient, dont give him a hard time
CONVERSATION WITH BROTHER YESTERDAY
BROTHER: I think you better tell your husband to come back
ME: Huh? I thought you encouraged him???what happened???
BROTHER: There's no construction taking place, I know, and besides I heard that many people are leaving, the situation is bad.
ME: Hmm, but HUBBY wants to get a car, which means he is there to stay. I am fed up talking him out of staying there, its straining our relationship
BROTHER: Well, dont nag him, lets see what happens in the next couple of weeks.
CONVERSATION WITH MOTHER
MOTHER: When is your husband coming back?
ME: Umm, dunno
MOTHER: What do you mean you dont know?? Dont you discuss your life??
ME: Yes we do, but it aint going no where, he wants to stay
MOTHER: HE WANTS TO WHAT????(she starts to freak out)
ME: Mom calm down(I started biting my lips, not knowing how to tell her that HUBBY is quite ok with our living arrangements)
MOTHER: WHAT DO YOU MEAN CALM DOWN???WHY ARE YOU ENCOURAGING HIM??
(I stood there like a child being punished for not learning the ABC of marriage)
ME: Mom wallah Im not encouraging him, but what can I do???I myself am frustrated and I cant just keep complaining, I am stressed out already
MOTHER: WELL WHAT KIND OF A MARRIAGE IS THIS? YOU CALL THIS A MARRIAGE? I THOUGHT HE WAS A RESPONSIBLE MAN, I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED. DOESNT HE THINK OF YOU AND YOUR FUTURE??THIS CANT GO ON LIKE THIS
ME: Mom, I understand what you are saying, I mean Im the one who is married remember, Im the one who is hurt and Im the one who is suffering the most, but believe me, theres nothing I can do
MOTHER: THIS IS NOT A LIFE, LOOK AT YOU, YOU LOOK UNHEALTHY, INFACT YOU LOOK ANEROXIC
ME: ME?I look aneroxic???(I take a look in the mirror, well, what can I say, I do look kind of pale, and my face looks hollow, but it aint THAT bad. I do admit that I have lost more weight, I was dreading to look at the scales, but I have gone from 43 KG, to 41)
ME: Mom, I look pale cuz I have no make up on, and I look "aneroxic" cuz Im wearing black (trying real hard to shift the conversation)
MOTHER: You should find a solution with your husband, this cant go on like this.
ME: Ok mom, later
CONVERSATION WITH AN EX-COLLEAGUE
ME: How are you coping so well when your husband is in Iraq
C: Well its difficult, but my daughter keeps me occupied all the time
ME: even if you are occupied arent you worried about his safety? its very bad at the moment in Iraq
C: I am worried but hey, he can be staying with me here, and the next day a car would hit him and he would die. Its just fate. And besides we need the money
ME: (my god, how can someone think this way????I have always known this person to be cold and emotionless but to this degree???I mean what will money be of use to her if her husband gets killed by a stray mortar(God forbid),I was shocked)
ME: Umm, yeah I know its fate but dont you get stressed out??
C: No, not really this is life....
OMG, this is life? what the hell is she on about???I swear I was stunned, and although I admired her strength, I would never ever in my life take this kind of attitude, its too harsh, too harsh for my own liking....
CONVERSATION WITH BESTFRIEND 4 months ago
BESTFRIEND: Let your husband go and see for himself, dont be angry with him, he is doing what he wants to do
ME: but we just got married, I dont wanna lose him, I cant live without him
BESTFRIEND: Give it time, he will come back to you, just let him be
CONVERSATION WITH BESTFRIEND 3 DAYS AGO
BESTFRIEND: How is your HUBBY? when is he coming back??
ME: He says he is attached and doesnt wanna leave
BESTFRIEND: WHAT???ATTACHED TO WHAT???IS HE CRAZY???
ME: Attached to the place, to his work
BESTFRIEND: Its too dangerous tell him to get out of there
ME: I have tried believe me, but he doesnt listen to me. Im on the verge of a breakdown, I dont know what to do
BESTFRIEND: I know how you feel, god Im so sorry, just calm down, try and talk to him, tell him you cant stay like this
ME: I did many times, but he doesnt understand me. He thinks Im joking when I tell him I cant go on like this. I am fed up, I am angry and I am confused. It seems he doesnt love me enough.
BESTFRIEND: No Im sure he loves you, maybe he just doesnt have an option at the moment.
ME: Option???I told him that Im ready to go to Timbuktoo with him, just get out of that hell hole, but he doesnt understand me. I just wanna kill myself, maybe then he will get out. Although recently, I realised that even then he probably wont come to me.
BESTFRIEND:Stop thinking this way, you are stressing yourself out. But hey can you do me a favour?
ME: sure whats that?
BESTFRIEND: If you do decide to leave this world can you atleast call me and say bye.
ME:(laughing my head off) I already have my suicide letters ready, dont worry, you will be the first to know....
CONVERSATION WITH AN AQUAINTANCE:
A: You have the perfect marriage
ME: How is that?
A: What you need men for??They are Bastards
ME: Umm cuz I love HUBBY, and I wanna be with him???(I wasnt sure if she was kidding, but looking at her body language, I realised she was pretty serious
A: Love is just in books, and movies, it doesnt exist in real life. I am trying to encourage my own husband to go to Iraq. I want him out of the house so I can breathe
ME: Hmm, but im newly married, and HUBBY is a great guy and I do miss him immensely
A: I know where you are coming from, but believe me, you will regret having him living with you, men are a pain in the butt.
(Ok now at this point, I had smoked god knows how many cigarettes, to try and figure a way of calming the lady down. But what would you say in such a situation. Umm Im sorry your husband is a bastard???)
ME: Well, umm, I better go, its getting late, take care......
As I head towards the door, she shouts "dont forget, men are bastards, love is but a fairytale, let your husband stay there, believe me, you have the perfect marriage"
Oh god, this lady has it bad, poor woman, I felt quite sorry for her, cuz I do know her husband and I have heard stories about how nasty and selfish he is, no wander she wants to get rid of the man....
I swear its hilarious how different and diverse opinions can be regarding just one situation. Its all relative, relative to each and every individual. I was shocked at my brother's change of mind, he was one of the first people to encourage HUBBY to go to Iraq. But now, he thinks otherwise. My brother likes HUBBY alot, infact they got along so well. When HUBBY was here 5 months ago, he spent more time with him than with me. It was as if they were a couple and not me,lol. Even my sister in law started complaining.....
As for my mom, well, I think from her point of view she is right. I would have reacted the same way if I had a daughter who just got married and her husband left her without planning for the future. My HUBBY has told all of us, that he will be done by November, but now he has changed his mind and so my mom got furious. I guess she just wants whats best for her daughter, I dont blame her.
My bestfriend is just great. She has always been there for me, and she always manages to calm me down. She too had to suffer at the beginning of her marriage cuz her husband left to Iraq. But now he is back with her, and Im so happy that they are gonna start living like normal people. I do envy her, but not in a bad way, cuz I was there with her when she was lonely and I know exactly how she felt then.
The ex-colleague and the aquaintence, well, I actually avoid them now. One is too self centred and the other is angry at the world and her luck......I may sound judgemental, but hey its all relative.....
September 23, 2004
Before and After.....
- I love you, I cant wait to spend all my life with you.
- You are the fresh air that I breathe.
- You are my destiny, where have you been all these years?
- You are the angel that God sent to me from the heavens.
- I will never hurt you, I will never leave you alone.
- I cant wait to come back home and see you there standing in the kitchen(hmm why is it always the kitchen they envisage).
- Lets have children straight away, I want your kids.
- I was dead before I met you and now Im alive.
- I will do anything to make you happy, you just name it.
- I will be anything to make you happy.
- You can change my bad habbits.
- I want you by my side always and forever.
- (Their other phone rings, they ignore it, saying"oh let them wait, I'm talking to the most important person, now")
Your heart flutters everytime they talk this way. You believe every word and you tend to dream of a beautiful house filled with children running around, where even their noisy sounds makes you happy and serene...You then thank God that he has sent you someone so loving and understanding....
- I am "attached" to the country.
- Our life together can wait. I have to do this, its my dream.
- You have to support my ambitions.
- Children can wait, thats not a problem.
- You are over reacting.
- This is Me, you can never change the way I am.
- Stop complaining we still have a long way to live together.
- I do love you but Im coping alone.....
- (Their other phone rings, they say"I have to go now, I got another line")
Another what?Another line???Helloooooo, Its me you're talking to, your angel, the woman of your dreams, you wanna hang up on me just like that??? hellooooo, yuhoooo, what happened to your nice words?what happened to your promises of never leaving me alone???Where did all the love and care disappear to???
Isnt it funny how men can change so easily between the BEFORE and AFTER??? Wow Im amazed....They change their attitudes just as easily as they change their underwear(dunno if Im fortunate, cuz HUBBY changes his undies everyday). Its like they undergo one of those before and after transformation programs. And there in mid sentence somewhere between the "you are over reacting", and the "stop complaining" you get "You know I love you, just be patient".
Yup, I know you do sweetie, but hey what happened to the guy with the sweet tongue???Has he been kidnapped and got replaced by you, the "other" twin???
Can we please please, pretty please go back to the Before and forget about the After???
The other day as I was talking to HUBBY on the phone, I didnt know what was waiting for me on the other end of the receiver...At first it was a fun conversation, discussing cars and houses, since I decided that I aint gonna start nagging HUBBY about NOT buying either, I said let him be and let him have what he wants. Then the conversation steered into his work, and how things are at the company he is working at. I know that he has been having problems, he had told me right from the start, that Iraqi expat engineers are being sidelined. They are not allowed to make any decisions, nor interact with the Iraqi organisations. I mean hellooooooo, who better to know how to communicate with Iraqis than Iraqis themselves.
In any case, he went on telling me about the current situation at the company, and I was all ears,sympathising with him, then out of no where he uttered the words "Im attached". Huh?? attached? attached to what HUBBY?
HUBBY: Im attached to this place, I cant leave now
ME:attached to bloody what?(trying to keep my calm, but my heart just sank to my feet)
HUBBY: Im attached to Baghdad, to my job. Its very gratifying to know that Im doing something good for the people
ME: And what is it you are doing for the people??I havent heard of any new accomplishments taking place, nor have I heard of any reconstruction taking effect, people who are able to leave the country are doing so in no time......
HUBBY: Its all there in the process
ME: Oh god, in the process, well HUBBY dear, everything is in the bloody process, democracy is in the process, freedom is in the process, security is still bloody in the process.
HUBBY: Dont worry, everything will be fine, just give it a couple of more years
ME: A couple more what???years????(ok this conversation is getting on my nerves now, and although I tried so hard not to bring the fearful subject of "OUR LIFE" it all came out)
ME: So what you are telling me is that you want me to wait for another donkey years to live a proper life with my husband? you are telling me that you are so attached to the place that you are willing to live like this???
HUBBY: All I want is to atleast build one thing, so I can be proud of myself that I actually achieved something for my people, my country.
ME: Aha, I see, ok I have to go now, take care HUBBY. BYE...
I hung up feeling that my world has just come to an end, and I am serious, the end is looming. What killed me the most about that phonecall was the word "attached". HUBBY has never ever told me that he is "attached" to me. And now he says he is bloody "attached" to a place?????Im so hurt and I can feel my heart is breaking into teeny weeny pieces. My patience is running out.
I dont have it in me, to live every single day of my life worried about HUBBY's safety. Its driving me nuts. Day in, day out, Im glued to the TV and the net, incase theres breaking news and a suicide bomb took place next to HUBBY(God forbid). He wants me to live like this for a couple of more years???He really must have lost it.
I realised that although I come in 6th place, I should never succumb to it. I should be number one on his list. And apparantely this is becoming much of a struggle. Whats the point of meeting up with him on his R&R when again he has to leave me cuz he is ATTACHED. Attached to something far greater than me.
Yesterday as I went to visit my sister, a friend of hers asked me, how is your husband?Where is he now?is he still in Iraq?? I looked at her, forcing my tears back, and said yes, yes he is still there, he is doing ok. I could see the pity in her eyes, and thats the worst thing, when someone feels sorry for you and pities you. She then went on,"how are you coping?It must be real difficult especially when you are newly married?". Although I never give in infront of strangers, yesterday was different. I answered her whole heartedly "I aint coping". She just went quiet and said may God help you....Yes I said to myself, I really want God to help me. To help me accept my fate, to help me deal with the everyday worries, to help me get through this....
My bestfriend gave me an amazing book to read its called "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. Its a true story. It talks about how one dying man sees the world, sees life...Its a pity that HUBBY doesnt like reading books. He would have learned to appreciate what he has and not take anything for granted....
But HUBBY is "attached", "attached" not to his new family, not to his darling wife but is "attached" to his own desires, to his own selfishness. Attached to principles that have long been forgotten. Theres an expression which says" Fix your own home first before fixing other people's homes". So HUBBY instead of being attached to whatever it is, start with your own house before things start to break and then no words nor actions can fix the broken glass, cuz no matter how hard you try to put the pieces together, there will always be that visible crack.
September 21, 2004
So when people ask me, why dont you stop moaning and pack your bags and go to HUBBY, I tend to wander is it only me who was stupid enough to sign that bloody thing???hmm. Well let me tell you abit about my family. They are the best of the lot, seriously, I mean they have given me so much freedom that at times I wander was that wise???
My dad never ever in his life forced me to do anything, even in school, he never told me to go and study, all he said was just do your best, dont kill yourself, just do what you can. So I ended up being one of those students that never studied during the whole year, and only devoured the books the night before the finals. Umm not such a great strategy....But hey I did pass and I managed to get 2 degrees.
After living 11 years practically on my own, I decided to come back home. I realised as I got older, I have become more emotional towards my family, and I just didnt want to be away from them no more, hence the condition I put forward to HUBBY before we got married. Which simply was "I will only marry you if we live next to my family" hmm, very very bad move......
HUBBY being the nice HUBBY that he is, came and visited my family and tried to get a feel of the place, I have to admit that at first he really didnt like it, he wasnt used to all the formalities, nor was he used to wearing suits day in, day out. But he never told me NO, we cant live next to your family. Then the unthinkable happened and he got the job he always dreamt of in his beloved Iraq....
So off he went leaving me behind at my parent's place. Yup, Im living with them which is great cuz thats what I always wanted but then again, Im married right? I should be with my HUBBY, right? Well I guess you cant have your cake and eat it....
At the beginning no one asked questions, but now, everytime I sit with my family they ask me"So?what are your plans". Meaning when are you gonna live like normal people. Hmm, now lets see, what shall I answer them... I have no clue!!! HUBBY is stuck there, and I know that deep in his heart he is quite ok with this situation. He sees it as a blip on the chart, thats all. He presumes that all the pressure is on him but infact its me who the pressure is on, cuz its me who has to answer the questions and its me who has to explain to them that HUBBY wants to stay there.....
Its not that they wanna get rid of me, far far from it, they are glad Im with them, they always wanted it this way, but they want me to settle down, they want me to have a life.....Their questioning doesnt have to be done by words, I can easily see it in their eyes, and Im stuck, stuck in a state of oblivion....
Coming from a Middle Eastern background, it aint easy for the girl to go upto to her parents and say "Thats it Im going to a war zone". It's not that simple, even if you are married, you still have to answer to your parents and that comes from the respect that we have for them. I would love to pack everything I have and just go. Actually I will be quite a happy bunny, but I cant. Yes they have given me all the freedom, yes I can stay outside the house until dawn, without them questioning me. But its a big NO, to make a decision and say "Bye Cya all later, it was nice meeting ya all", especially in the current circumstances.
I am not quite sure what to do now. Im between 2 fires, one is me and one is HUBBY. Oh actually 3 fires, the last one being my parents....Although they dont nag me, but I can tell they know that Im an unhappy being. I can never lie, nor pretend, what you see is what you get. If I dont eat for several days they know I aint happy(and believe you me I can go on without food for days and days), If I stay in my room for weeks upon weeks, they know Im unhappy. I actually try my best to smile and joke, but behind the exterior they can feel my misery. Thats my family.
My HUBBY on the other hand, tells me to be patient and that things will get better, hmm, now which part doesnt he understand. The part that I tell him Im miserable without him, or the part that my parents are worried and do not want us to live apart??? To be honest Im tired of complaining to him, I really am, I havent got the energy anymore, cuz everytime the subject of "when are we gonna be normal" comes up he goes icy cold and I feel distanced to a far away place......Thats why, I tend to stop in mid sentence so instead of "when are we gonna be "normal again", I say "when are we umm, so what car do you wanna buy???" which definitely makes HUBBY happy and excited just like a 10 yr old who is off buying a new play station game, and makes ME go to la la land, pretending that maybe, just maybe one day I will be riding in the car beside him wearing dark sunglasses and a hat on my head, (just like Sophia Loren), roaming the streets of Baghdad and cursing the fine print which I was made to sign........
So which fire is burning the biggest hole????Not sure I have to ask the Fireman.....
September 20, 2004
Who Is Complaining????
So what has he done today?umm lets see, nothing really, except for wanting to buy a car and a house in Iraq!!!!Yup he is there to stayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, can you hear my voice screaming out loud?????HE WANTS TO BUY A CAR AND A HOUSE IN IRAQQQQQQQQQQQ!!!!!!! Oh my dear god, why is this happening to me??? what have I done in my life except be a nag and a moaner, I need a break, I seriously do(I'm having a kitkat, just like the commercial"need a break??have a kitkat"). So yup HUBBY has joined my club, the Neurotic Club. Membership fees consist of daily rantings and ramblings......
HUBBY wake up, wake up and come back to your senses. What happened to the logical man I fell in love with? What happened to the man who once said(about 18 months ago) to me in anger "Iraq is but a land, what has it done for you all your life?" Werent you the one who uttered these words when I used to tell you how bad I wanted to go??? Werent these your exact words to me, and then you went on and said"think about it "LOGICALLY", we only got pain and sorrow from Iraq". That was then, right? Now, you have fallen prey to our beloved country Iraq. For I know loving it is contagious and very very highly addictive.
Yes HUBBY these were your words, and now I am using it against you. Since you yourself acknowledged them to be "LOGICAL"!!!!HUBBYYYYYYYYYYY wake up, this is but a dream you are living in. For god's sake tell me you are kidding, tell me that you were just teasing me and that you aint seriously thinking of staying there. Oh dear God, what have I done in my life for you to spite me. I repent, I swear I do, for whatever sins I have committed just bring back HUBBY's senses....
To be honest with you, Im not angry(seriously I aint), I think I'm in shock. Yup I sure am in shock, for the words are still echoing in my ears....He didnt exactly say he is there to stay but I have been told by numerous people that I do have some kind of intelligence lingering about somewhere at the back of my so called brain membrane. I am a mathematician afterall, so I do follow formulae and all the loony toony equations. so this is what I came up with:
Poor me,and here I was spending most of my time, trying to figure out on a bloody internet site which days are my most fertile. Taking temperatures every bloody morning, charting my cycles while HUBBY is trying to figure which car to get, isnt he sweet, isnt he the loveliest HUBBY anyone can ask for, bless him. BUT hey, I still love the guy, and I still adore him. He wants a car???let him have it, he will spend all his time waiting in the queues for the petrol,hehe. He wants a house???hey why not, brilliant idea, so I can finally go there without having to answer questions put forward by my family"and where do you think you will be staying young lady?"
So problemo solved, HUBBY, go get a car, get a house and we will live happily ever after in the most peaceful countries found today in the world!!!!YIPPEEEEEEEEEEE God sure is keen to have me....Hold on, am I complaining????Nope, I aint, Im the happiest creature on earth(with a smile that surely will one day cause my image seem like those plastic fantastic surgically made women who look as if their skins are about to take a leap from both sides of their ears)!!!!
So Iraq, my beloved Iraq, you got me, you took your revenge and swallowed HUBBY in the layers upon layers of your love.....You are his number one, and where does that leave me???umm lets see, there's you, there's the job, there's the car, there's the house, there's the food, have I left sonething else out? Nope, so I guess I come in sixth place. Am I complaining?????No freakin' way!!!!
September 19, 2004
A Nice Surprise????
The door bell rang, I walked very uninterestingly to see who it was that was bugging me in the early morning and I was ready for a fight. I open the door and there he was standing, "Honey Im Home!!!" he says with that cute grin on his face, Time just stopped there. I really couldnt believe what I was looking at. His clothes crumpled, his hair all over the place and he hugs me, hugs me so tight that I cant breathe. Then he utters softly in my ears,"oh how much I have missed you, missed holding you, missed touching your face and playing with your hair" then he takes a deep deep breath as if trying to smell me all in at once. I just stand there, not believing my eyes. this cant be, Oh my god, he is finally here, and I go on screaming HE IS HEREEEEEEEEEEE everyone.
I take his hand and lead him to the room, we sit on the edge of the bed, and Im just staring at him. I still cant believe that Im actually looking into his deep blue eyes. He looks at me so intently and tells me in his husky voice," I'm so sorry darling to have left you, Im not gonna do it again, I realised I cant live without you, I cant eat without you by my side, everything I taste is bitter, everyone I look at reminds me of you(hmm is that good or bad?), I have missed you so much, I aint going back there, I wanna be here, I want to start a family, I wanna wake up everyday and look at your beautiful face"(OMG, he is finally confessing his undying love for me, OMG, thank you God, thank you!!!!!)
Then it hits me, shit, my face, I didnt get a chance to wash it, god. I look down and Im in my lousiest pyjamas ever, the colour has gone from white to a drabby grey and I havent taken it off for god knows how long. Darn my toes have no red varnish. My eyebrows havent been trimmed and am pretty sure the hairs are going everywhere. I smell of cigarettes instead of his favourate scent "BEAUTIFUL". And my legs, oh my god, my legs havent been waxed since the last time I saw him they probably look like the amazon forrests. Shit shit shit what am I gonna do?
He tilted his head to one side, and asked me "what is it sweetie?what are you thinking?havent you missed me?" I just sat down looking like a zombie, "umm yeah darling I did, I did alot, but can you give me a couple of minutes, umm I need to umm freshen myself up" As I disappear into the bathroom, I hear noises, I wasnt sure what it was, so I put my ears closer to the door, and there it was BLOODY STAR TREK!!!!!!!!!!Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooo, please god no, please god dont do this to me, not now, not today. I open the door slightly and there it was, the shoes, the socks, the trousers and the shirt all in one pile on the floor. Yup HUBBY is sure back with a vengeance. Coins splattered everywhere, receipts upon receipts are having a bash next to the shoes. I poke my head further and there he was lying in bed with 3 coke cans by his side(concentrate with me, not just one but 3!!!), and a bowl of pistachios. Yup pistachios in bed, this is just great. HUBBY is homeeeeeeeeee everyone......
GOTCH YA,hehe. It would have been a nice surprise though wouldnt it, if he just walks in, but thinking about it now, and imagining the above scenario I dont think it would be wise, what do you think???
September 17, 2004
I was going through some papers of mine this morning and I came upon my 2003 diary. I flicked through the pages and there it was the trip to the fortune teller. It was in January last year. When I was younger I was always interested in what the future was holding for me, and all those so called fortune tellers turned out crap. They always said the same BS, you are gonna meet the love of your life and gonna live happily ever after bla bla bla, hmmm, how very interesting. So I kinda gave up on the idea, until one day I was approached by my sister in law, and she said cmon lets go and try this one out. I wasnt very keen on the idea but I said to myself I wont lose anything, Im up for a laugh.
An hour and a half later, by car, we reached this shabby area, I swear it was just like the movies, where the place looked like an old half deserted block. Hmm, not such a great idea I was telling my sister in law, lets go back to the car, I dont wanna be kidnapped, but she pushed me in and we went up the crooked stairs. We knocked the door, and a young looking woman in her 40's opened it. A whif of rice and some sauce welcomed us as well. She looked quite harmless and ushered us in. She's persian and doesnt speak english nor arabic, hmmm big problemo, so she introduced us to an older woman who supposedly was the interpretor. But hey guess what???The interpretor doesnt speak english nor arabic, wowwww this is just great. But she managed to speak broken arabic, I said thats fine I can understand you, lets start please. I just wanted this to be over and done with....
We sat down and the fortuneteller through the interpretor asked us whether we want a coffee reading or just the palm, we told her both. So she took my palm in her hands, and started scrutinising it, I never knew my palm was so interesing. She started to speak and oh my god, I was just stunned, stunned to the degree of being speechless. Her words just hit me, she said things about my personality that no one, no one knew about except me. My heart started to beat so fast, shit she is good(I hope she wont mention any of my fantasies, I was praying to God). Then she said something which I always knew, something that made my eyes water. She told me that God is always watching over me and is always protecting me. That I was in real danger at some time during the past and God saved me, saved me from a tragedy. At that stage I became very emotional and I began to have goose bumps on my arms.
During the palm reading, I was given some turkish coffee to drink and afterwards she flipped the cup upside down on the plate. She reached for the cup and this time she started telling me about my future love life. Hmm, I wasnt really interested in that department since I had vowed to myself that marriage is a no go. I really wanted to concentrate on my career and I had no place for the lovey dovey stuff during that period of my life . So when she started to describe my future husband I interrupted her and told her my career please, career. She smiled and said yes after this, after this. So I had to listen to her talking about my future husband.
She said "you are gonna get married to a blonde",(eeeeewwwww, I never was attracted to blonde men, I always liked dark looks, just like the novels)," he has a moustache," (oh god noooooooooooo, no no no, I dont like moustaches they prick my face). I was making faces to her showing how dismayed I was, she continued ignoring my funny faces, "he will have gaps in his lower bottom teeth". Wowwww this is just great, a monster is gonna be my husband, aint I lucky, what else can I as for. And finally she said with a smile on her face, "he will have coloured eyes". YES YES YES, finally something I like, coloured eyes. Well thats not bad, a monster with coloured eyes, I can deal with that.
He lives in the States. He lives where? I asked. The States?hmm now thats interetsing cuz, I havent intended to travel to the States in the near future, nor do I know anyone who lives there. She even mentioned the first letter of his name(which I dont quite remember until today when my sister in law reminded me). She went on and said I will be living in the States, will have 2 kids, and my husband will love me more than I love him????Get real woman, If only she knew about me today and how my HUBBY loves me sooooo sooooo much that he left me to rebuild the country, what would she have to say about that?ha?.....Maybe I should get a refund...
So cutting the story short, she mentioned a few things about my career and mentioned some names in the process, but that is yet to happen. I wasnt really that excited about the marriage aspect, infact my sister in law was more excited than me, and asked her when?when is she gonna meet the guy? when is she gonna get married?hmm I looked puzzingly at my sis in law and asked her"HEy why are you so keen to get rid of me?" she smiled and said I want you to be happy. Happy?how will I be happy if I get married? why? to relieve my sexual frustration??hmm, it kinda makes sense now.hehe
3 months later I meet HUBBY, I swear to you, marriage was really not on my list, I was even planning an adoption plan, for I said to myself by the age of 30 since Im not gonna be married Im gonna adopt a young girl....HUBBY appears out of the blue. It was hilarious, he was blonde alright with a moustache and sea blue eyes, the most amazing colour I have ever seen, nicer than my dad's even(sry dad).
I had completely forgotten about the fortune teller until one day during the courting period, which I have to add was mostly done on the net and on the phone, it hit me and I ran and fetched my diary, and read through the notes. There it was the blonde hair, the moustache, the blue eyes but hey hold on a second, gaps in his teeth???hmm I tried to rack my brain whether I have noticed any gaps in his teeth but couldnt really remember so, ahem ahem, I asked him,lol. I said HUBBY can I see your teeth? do you have gaps in the lower half?He opened his mouth so wide, it scared me, and lo and behold the FAMOUS gaps smiled at me shyly and waved hello....
So for the first time ever a fortune teller turned out right alright, but in my religeon, there's a verse which says"Kathabal munajimoon walaw sadaqoo" which simply means even if fortune tellers are telling the truth, you should never believe them. I never believed her at the time, nor did I take her seriously, but she was right in many aspects and she did describe my lovely HUBBY to me, but I believe in God and in destiny. Destiny brought me and HUBBY together, destiny separated us for awhile and destiny will bring him back to me again. This is a poem I found on the net which says it all......
by Glenda McGarity
The first time I laid eyes on you,
How could I have ever knew
That you were an angel sent from above
A gift to my soul, for my heart to love
The one god picked "specialy" for me
by my side forever, us two to be
How could I know, when our love just begun,
That our hearts would melt, our souls become one
And how could I know, the first time we met,
Our lives were worked out, our paths were set.
By a little word, we call destiny,
Our bond to each other, always to be
Yes, the first time I laid eyes on you,
Long before we said I do.
How could I have ever knew
Our love for each other would see us through
September 15, 2004
SMILE AND THE WORLD WILL SMILE BACK AT YOU
Yesterday I called HUBBY and he was having dinner with some of his so called "friends". He did something which annoyed the hell out of me, he told me to hold on a second and then said to his "friends" say hiiiii. I heard a man's voice then this low class cheap voice, shouts in a whiny voice, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii with a bout of laughter afterwards. I was shocked, what kind of women is he spending time with?????God the nerve of this lady. I was disappointed at HUBBY for giving her the chance to act this way and disrespect me in that manner. And that just blew the roof off. I felt steam coming out from every part of my body. I hung up feeling so down and annoyed, how could the person I love so much in this world do this to me. I wander what he had told them about me, to make that low life bitch laugh her head off.....Although in a later phonecall when I asked him how he could do such a thing he apologised, and said that the lady went abit too far. And we went back to talking about lovey dovey stuff and he told me that he loved me so much and that he had never disrespected me in any way or form. He even assured me that he was the perfect gentleman and never spoke to the other sex out of context. Which somehow relieved the pain.
After sometime, I get a call from my dearest brother, and I just told him everything, everything thats been bottled up inside of me. My loneliness, my depression, my frustration, my anger, and I even told him about that incident with that low life COW!!!!He said well now you know, how some people are, but then he gave me a long talk, and made me wake up. You know how it is when you feel you are drowning in the muckiest and dirtiest of waters, and you just cant see anything, waiting for someone to come to your rescue, well thats exactly what happened. I needed that talk, I needed someone to remind me, that Im still young and that I have so much that I can do. I have a life of my own and should take every opportunity to live it. He told me go out, have fun, socialise, go and work and get to know new people. Stop this depression you are in, you are smart you have a degree, use it for gods sake. Dont just sit there. My family are always encouraging me to do things, to get on my own feet and live life to the top, but I always gave the excuse of not wanting to cuz I just wanna be with HUBBY. That has changed, finally.
HUBBY is still the love of my life, but for once, I have decided that Im too young and I have a life infront of me. Im gonna revamp myself and go out there and enjoy everything around me. I have friends who would call me up and say lets go out, I would give them the excuse of not being in the mood. But now, I will never say no. I always tried to avoid being with friends and their single guy friends, but now, why should I care. I know myself and I trust it. I would never do anything to jeopardise the love I have for HUBBY.
HUBBY told me to go and live my life but I needed someone else to tell me this, someone who would give me the facts right there in my face. HUBBY chose his priorities, and at times I really despised him for making me feel not even second best, but maybe third or fourth best. Its all in the mind. You are who you make yourself to be. I was always the one that gave advice to friends by telling them smile and the world will smile back at you, I aint really sure when have I stopped believing in this.
I looked at a picture of mine that was taken 7 years ago, and I couldnt believe how young and cheerful I looked. It shocked me and that was also one of the reasons that I have decided to stop moaning and worrying, and to get a life far away from this computer and far away from my thoughts about HUBBY. This time Im in control, and I will do it right. I have always been independent and always put a foot down and did things my way. Then HUBBY came along and I guess I wanted or actually needed someone to take care of me, to guide me. But HUBBY wanted to take care of his country before me. I dont despise him anymore, I think whats he doing is great and I am proud of him in every way. We still have a long long way to go and live our lives together.
So for everyone who wrote to me and gave me advice, I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really am grateful for all of you. Im not gonna stop writing, but I guess it will be less often than before. For now I have my life ahead of me. Although I havent reached 30 yet I really felt like I was going on to 90, even people in their nineties had more life in them than me, they looked forward to everyday, whereas I never wanted to wake up and face yet another miserable day without HUBBY. I am glad this era has gone out of the door.
I wanna thank my dearest brother, for shaking me and waking me up. There are people who would envy me for having so much time on my hands, and Im gonna use every second of it. And HUBBY I do love you. You told me to go on ahead and live my life but whenever you said that I thought you didnt care, you just wanted me to get off your back. But I realised you had my best interests at heart. But I will never forget the laughter of that COW, HUBBY and I hope that you wouldnt give people a chance to make fun of me again. And next time choose the people that suit your background and upbringing, not some old low life creatures....
One last note, I wanna say to everyone I'M ALIVE and Im gonna enjoy every second that God has given me. I pray to God everyday to keep HUBBY safe and when the right time comes he will be next to me in no time. There's a saying "If you love someone let them go, If they love you back they will come back to you" and HUBBY I know that you will come back to me, maybe not now but I know that one day you will.
September 14, 2004
You Never Cease To "AMAZE" Me
I was ready to kill someone. I think HUBBY leaving me has impacted my life in a very negative manner. It has made me a nutcase, not that I wasnt before, but now instead of a tiny peanut I have become one bitter walnut......
Whenever HUBBY feels even one grain of an arguement coming along the way, he just runs away from it. He HATES arguing....So I lied down on my bed and began to do some serious conditional thinking like, if he loves me he will call me back tonight. If he cares he will try to make me feel better. I looked at the clock in my room, and started counting the minutes....Sad I know....
After a few hours, as I was just about to erase HUBBY from my memory, the phone rings, Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay its HUBBY. I didnt even bother to say hello, all I managed to say was "God you never cease to disappoint me" (I think from the over excitement of rediscovering that HUBBY does love me and does care made me jumble my thoughts,lol), he was silent, then he said disappoint you?or amaze you? and that was it for me, my mood made a high jump from the darkest of blues to the flashiest of pinks.....I laughed and said sorry, I meant you never cease to ammmmmaaaaaaaze me, your phonecall came at the right moment cuz you were about to go into my notorious "people who I cant stand" BOOK.
As with most of our phonecalls, the conversations tend to steer towards another category if you catch my drift. We tease each other like hell, and laugh at each other's suggestions. Its at these times that I feel close to HUBBY. The times when we laugh and he cracks up jokes, no matter how lame they are, I still love them. The times when Im feeling low and he would choose the right moment and utter the words I love you and miss you, which would just erase all fears and doubts in seconds.
There's an expression which I totally loathe "Out of sight, out of mind". For me thats never true but at certain times the little devil stands on one of my shoulders and whispers in my ears "Your HUBBY forgot you, you dont even exist in his life right now, thats why he left you, thats why he is happy where he's at" Urgggggggggg, and thats when I feel distant so distant from HUBBY. As much as I try to crush that devil the more he becomes stronger and louder in my ears. But then the cutest angel comes along and with one look destroys the bastard.
But HUBBY I will tell you this, You Never Cease to Disappoint me, ooooops I meant AMAZE me, hehe.
September 13, 2004
My Iraqi Earth......
She continued and said no matter how bad I will tell you the situation is, you wouldn't believe me, you just have to go and see it for yourself. She said most of the women have no life outside their houses. There are no cafe's or restaurants we can go to on the spur of the moment just women alone. She said even the shopping, even that we have to take guy relatives with us incase of kidnappings or assault. She said no one is safe in this Iraq. I asked her but surely you are glad Saddam is gone, she laughed sarcastically, and said, yes Saddam has gone to hell but many others have appeared.
She said, I want a life devoid of fear. She said I want to live, I dont want to die. She said everyday I fear for my husband and children's lives. If I hear that a bomb was hit somewhere I would immdiately panic and call my husband and if he doesnt answer I would go crazy. I laughed cause thats exactly how I felt yesterday(actually everyday), when mortars were all over the place and I probably tried HUBBY on his phone maybe for 2 bloody hours continiously to no avail, I just went mad. When I finally got through I gave him a piece of my mind. So I know exactly how she feels, I can relate to it very easily....
Life is difficult in Iraq, this is something no one can deny, but I still want to go. I want to go and see it for myself. I wanna go and look at everything HUBBY looks at. I wanna talk to the people that HUBBY talks to. I wanna alteast experience what he's experiencing even if its just for a few hours.
When HUBBY had his first vacation over a month ago now, he asked what would I like for him to get me from Iraq, apart from the Saddam watch(which I never got), I told him please get me Iraqi earth, Iraqi soil. And here it is right infront of me, the earth, the earth of my beloved country Iraq.
I just hope that its not a fake and in 30 yrs time HUBBY would suddenly pause the Star Trek(Generation XXXXX) movie while we are in bed and would tell me"darling do you remember 30 yrs ago when I got you this bottle full of soil?" and I would get my ear piece in place and shout"WHAT DARLING?WHAT DID YOU SAY?" then as if on different planets he would say "well its a fake I got it from the backyard",lol. I think by then I will seriously become Mrs BOBBIT(if I had the strength), and bobbit it allllllllll(if its still in place), ouch!!
So my Iraqi Earth, I only ask from you one thing, and that is to please protect all the innocent lives on your soil and above all, protect my HUBBY who just for your sake left his angelic(NOT) WIFE and came to you. You are the only thing that can bring him back to me into my loving arms.......My Iraqi Earth......
September 12, 2004
A relative of mine arrived from Baghdad a couple of days ago, I havent seen him for over a decade and a half, and have never ever met his wife, nor his kids. The only memories I have of him was that of the Iraq-Iran war when as a child, I used to take all my clothes off, except for the undies ofcourse(ever the exhibitionist,jeez) and run around until we hear the sirens and I would scream at the top of my 5yr old voice"PUT MY CLOTHES ON PEOPLE, PUT MY CLOTHES ON" and this relative would carry me on his back and take me under the table for refuge. Its strange how even though the last time I had visited Iraq which was in early 1990, its only those memories that are stuck in my mind, I dont remember anything else. No streets, no shops, no restaurants.
So waiting in anticipation for their arrival, I make myself ready, dressed very conservatively just incase his wife would be that way too. I usually dont worry about how people view me, but this time its different, or so I thought. I thought that people from Iraq would look down on us cuz they would think that we havent suffered as they did, and that we live in better conditions than them. So I played it safe. The door bell rang, and there they were. My relative, wowwwwww he's grown so much and gained so much weight. I went to hug him but he just kissed me hello as if it was yesterday that I last saw him.That just stunned me. I cant say Im hurt, but I guess I expected some other reaction. His wife on the other hand, wasnt sure if I am who I am, and was about to mistake my sister in law for me. This is just too funny and sad at the same time......Their kids are cute, but ofcourse didnt know who the hell we are, we could be me from Saturn for all they care, but thats acceptable, since they are only 3 and 7 and have never seen us in their lives before.
But the funniest part was the dress code. Umm didnt say I was dressed conservatively???Well, the wife here was actually wearing something that made my eyes make a somersault and was stuck in mid air....Yup and I aint gonna go further. So much for being conservative.lol.
All this made me wander, are we who live in the outside more emotional, are we more nostalgic about the country we havent seen for a long long time? Is that how HUBBY feels? He yearns for the memories he had when he was a teenager, for those days when he used to play football in what was once the place to be"AL Ilwiya club". Is that what it is? Is this the dream he has? The dream to build Iraq again and make it the fun place he used to remember??? The era Im talking about was pre Saddam, the time when Iraq was flourishing, the time when there wasnt as much fear, the time when everyone lived with one another peacefully. I hope HUBBY realises that these days will never come, for people have changed and I dont blame them.
People have gone through so much and learned how to survive. For Iraq now is like a Forrest full of beasts. You dont know if you will wake up tomorrow or not. You dont know if a mortar will come your way or not. You dont know if you will go back to your home alive or not. And this saddens me for they have suffered and learned to survive but in the process they have left their emotions behind. Do I blame them? No wayyyy, I probably would have become the same. But im frightened, frightened that HUBBY too will lose what emotions he has and will forget how to be tender and understanding.....
After all I saw today, I still have my memories, My Nostalgic Memories........
September 11, 2004
SILENCE IS GOLDEN
(just for today though ;-))
September 10, 2004
Whenever I start PMSing, and oh dear god do I PMS, the word neurotic would be an understatement, a piece of cake. HUBBY would steer away from me for days, and what I mean by steer away, I meant he would either call and cut the conversation short or he would say that he is extremely busy and he cant talk,lol. He KEEPS AWAY FROM DANGER. Then I started realising that he too has mood swings, but his were a salad(salad coming from an iraqi expression, where if we wanna say thats soo easy,in english you say easy as abc, we say easy as a zalata,zalata=salad).See how useful I can be,lol.
And then I started timing his PMS, theres like a week gap between mine and his, then it started to become simaltaneous, OH MY GOD, am still laughing, Im gonna tease HUBBY so bad tomorrow.........So PMSing MEN welcome to the "REAL WORLD" and SUFFERRRRRRRR,hehe
When HUBBY first got the job in Iraq I was totally against it, and we would end up arguing every single time we talk. He would say you have to support me, you have to be happy that my dream is coming true. Hmm his dream and what about my dream? What about my future? He says your future is my future, I wanna make a difference, I wanna be able to help the people and give them something that I will be proud of for the rest of my life....He knows how to trap me, he knew very well that I didnt have the heart to say no, dont go and help, for he knows the love I have for my country. How can I? How can I stop him after he uttered those words? I had no choice, for he gave me none. It was like, Im going and thats that, its for us, for the future, for our children....
I wander how would it be if it was me saying these words? Would he have said yes darling go? Would he have accepted the fact that I chose my country over him? I doubt, for men are always like this.Its ok for them but not ok for women.Grrrrrrr that just bugs the hell out of me, makes me very angry thinking about it. HUBBY is a very nice guy, he is patient with me, very patient, infact truth to be told, EXTREMELY patient. But He has this thing where he can make me feel like Im on cloud 9 one day, and then down in the gutters the next day...
So everytime I wanna call HUBBY, I psyche myself up about not mentioning the future nor the kind of suffering im going through without him, and I go on dialling his number with a smile stretched 180 degrees across my face:
- ME: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii darling, how are you? where are you?
- HUBBY: Hi sweetie, Im ok, im at the Green zone Cafe
- ME: Aha I see, who are you with and what are you eating?
- HUBBY: Im with a colleague of mine having Gus (gus is shredded lamb)
- ME: YUMMMY, can you send me some by DHL?
- ME: what the hell was that? who are you with? why were they laughing?what the heck is happening?
- HUBBY: they are just colleagues darling, I think someone said a joke and they are laughing at it...((yeah right))
- ME: So when are you deciding to come back and live like normal married couples do? are we gonna stay like this, you there, me here without a bloody life? Dont you wanna have a family? Dont you wanna settle down?
- HUBBY: Oh nooooo not again, please not again, I thought we have discussed this before? Why go over the same conversation everytime? I told you, this is for us, for our children. We will get to be together just enjoy what we have now((what we have?damn, is he seeing something I am not?what is it that we have now?maybe its time I change my lenses)), anyways........
- ME: Yeah anyways, Bye
I swear to you, I really try, I try so hard to conceal the hurt, to conceal my unhappiness, but we are humans after all. As each day passes, the bubble gains more weight and momentum until one day Im afraid it will just explode, and then there will be no words, no actions to restore it back to its orginal tiny size.
Its a great pity that he doesnt feel my pain, its even worse that he might aknowledge it but yet doesnt do anything to make it go.....I know he loves me, I know he cares, I know all that, but....... ANYWAYS.....
Toes, HUBBY????*WARNING:NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED*
What's up with feet? Can anyone tell me? Yes those feet, the part of the body we use to walk with. Why is it that men are mesmerised by feet, or to be precise by how the toes look like? I always wandered about that, at first I thought HUBBY was twisted(sry HUBBY) when he asked to see my feet,lol, but then as time passed by, I discovered that many of my male friends have the same,what shall I call it, umm, obssession(its a sickness really)...But why toes? why not eyes? why not hair? why not lips, I mean all these are romantic but TOES?god...really men are from Mars. They come up with the strangest ideas. Its just like that movie "Boomerang" starring Eddie Murphy where he would only sleep with women that have beautiful toes...I cant believe im actually talking about it, dont know how it just came up.
Oh yeah I remember, I wanted to talk about how HUBBY wanted to see my toes,(I guess im still in my Happy Thoughts mood).This was before we got married, he was somewhere in the States, and I was across the Atlantic(you do realise Im not mentioning any places, am trying my best to stay incognito incase anyone that knows me would be reading this). Most of our communication was done through the net and ofcourse the phone, I really formed an attachement to my mobile and laptop, till this day.
So one day I was sitting chatting with HUBBY to be(as wel always did), with the cameras on ofcourse at the same time, out of the blue he tells me "show me your feet". There I was staring so lovingly at his image infront of me then the word feet just whacks me in the face and I wake up from the lovely dream. I looked at him questioningly, feet? I asked. You wanna see my feet?
Shit, I havent done a manicure, he really caught me on a bad day. You know how at the first stages when both partners try and impress the other, well, how the heck was I gonna impress him now?hmm, I tried to pretend that I didn't hear him properly,cuz all of a sudden the speakers burst and oh nooo the cam has gone fuzzy.lol. But HUBBY is a smarty pants, he called me and said, can you please show me your feet and what happened to the cam,I cant see anything. I thought to myself darn,shoulda switched the mobile off, let me play for time. So I said sure I will darling just give me some time so I can fix the camera.hehe.He said, ok do it quick!sure I will, HUBBY to be.
I run, and I mean RUN to my room, get the case of my nail varnishes, and I looked inside, hmm, shall it be the blackberry one or the baby pink? darn, blackberry one is too Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction,very morbid, the baby pink is too girlie and he might take advantage of that in the future. Damn, I rummage through my drawers, and I see a mauve one, great this will do, he will definitely know Im sassy and I that follow my own mind....So I get those toe dividers which we women use inorder not to smudge the colour, and there I began painting the mauve on my toes. The phone rings again, sugar sugar sugar, Im in the middle of the bloody toes fiasco, I look at the caller ID it an overseas call, great its HUBBY to be again.Oh hello HUBBY to be,(me balancing the phone between my shoulder and my ear and continuing to polish)I think the USB thingie is broken, the camera wont start up, I say(yeah right), just give me a few minutes and I hope by then it will start working again, so HUBBY to be waits.
After the polishin was done and dusted(finally), I ran using the heel of my feet, believe me very painful, to the cupboard looking for some nice sexy pair of sandals,hmm, no stilettos thats for sure, so I chose the next best thing. Hey, here I am with my mauve toe nails, strutting in my high heeled sandals, with my bloody tracksuit, just great, how sexy can this be. So I switch my cam on and wait for the request from HUBBY to be. Can you imagine the state of me, so I try and do like the movies where they show you the action in slow motion, while at the same time Im concentrating on His image to see the look on his face.
Was it satisfaction? I have no clue, but it was one of those serene looking facial expressions. I guess I didn't disappoint with my choice of mauve. Now was that hard work or was that hard work. But then he went on and said, why not RED? Red? The nerve of him, after all the trouble I went through he still asks for more,aaaaaaaaaah MEN.
So dearest HUBBY, I have gone and bought some real nice red(eeewwww), come back to me and you will get to see them for real!!!!