neurotic Iraqi wife
September 21, 2004
Which Fire????
You know the fine print engraved on your umbilical cord which says "I will feed you, I will bring you to life, and all you have to do is succumb to my demands, so sign here please"??? Well, I never paid attention to that print while I was swimming in the warm dark waters inside my mother's tummy. But I definitely signed on the dotted line, and hey prestoo Im a walking, talking creature.....
So when people ask me, why dont you stop moaning and pack your bags and go to HUBBY, I tend to wander is it only me who was stupid enough to sign that bloody thing???hmm. Well let me tell you abit about my family. They are the best of the lot, seriously, I mean they have given me so much freedom that at times I wander was that wise???
My dad never ever in his life forced me to do anything, even in school, he never told me to go and study, all he said was just do your best, dont kill yourself, just do what you can. So I ended up being one of those students that never studied during the whole year, and only devoured the books the night before the finals. Umm not such a great strategy....But hey I did pass and I managed to get 2 degrees.
After living 11 years practically on my own, I decided to come back home. I realised as I got older, I have become more emotional towards my family, and I just didnt want to be away from them no more, hence the condition I put forward to HUBBY before we got married. Which simply was "I will only marry you if we live next to my family" hmm, very very bad move......
HUBBY being the nice HUBBY that he is, came and visited my family and tried to get a feel of the place, I have to admit that at first he really didnt like it, he wasnt used to all the formalities, nor was he used to wearing suits day in, day out. But he never told me NO, we cant live next to your family. Then the unthinkable happened and he got the job he always dreamt of in his beloved Iraq....
So off he went leaving me behind at my parent's place. Yup, Im living with them which is great cuz thats what I always wanted but then again, Im married right? I should be with my HUBBY, right? Well I guess you cant have your cake and eat it....
At the beginning no one asked questions, but now, everytime I sit with my family they ask me"So?what are your plans". Meaning when are you gonna live like normal people. Hmm, now lets see, what shall I answer them... I have no clue!!! HUBBY is stuck there, and I know that deep in his heart he is quite ok with this situation. He sees it as a blip on the chart, thats all. He presumes that all the pressure is on him but infact its me who the pressure is on, cuz its me who has to answer the questions and its me who has to explain to them that HUBBY wants to stay there.....
Its not that they wanna get rid of me, far far from it, they are glad Im with them, they always wanted it this way, but they want me to settle down, they want me to have a life.....Their questioning doesnt have to be done by words, I can easily see it in their eyes, and Im stuck, stuck in a state of oblivion....
Coming from a Middle Eastern background, it aint easy for the girl to go upto to her parents and say "Thats it Im going to a war zone". It's not that simple, even if you are married, you still have to answer to your parents and that comes from the respect that we have for them. I would love to pack everything I have and just go. Actually I will be quite a happy bunny, but I cant. Yes they have given me all the freedom, yes I can stay outside the house until dawn, without them questioning me. But its a big NO, to make a decision and say "Bye Cya all later, it was nice meeting ya all", especially in the current circumstances.
I am not quite sure what to do now. Im between 2 fires, one is me and one is HUBBY. Oh actually 3 fires, the last one being my parents....Although they dont nag me, but I can tell they know that Im an unhappy being. I can never lie, nor pretend, what you see is what you get. If I dont eat for several days they know I aint happy(and believe you me I can go on without food for days and days), If I stay in my room for weeks upon weeks, they know Im unhappy. I actually try my best to smile and joke, but behind the exterior they can feel my misery. Thats my family.
My HUBBY on the other hand, tells me to be patient and that things will get better, hmm, now which part doesnt he understand. The part that I tell him Im miserable without him, or the part that my parents are worried and do not want us to live apart??? To be honest Im tired of complaining to him, I really am, I havent got the energy anymore, cuz everytime the subject of "when are we gonna be normal" comes up he goes icy cold and I feel distanced to a far away place......Thats why, I tend to stop in mid sentence so instead of "when are we gonna be "normal again", I say "when are we umm, so what car do you wanna buy???" which definitely makes HUBBY happy and excited just like a 10 yr old who is off buying a new play station game, and makes ME go to la la land, pretending that maybe, just maybe one day I will be riding in the car beside him wearing dark sunglasses and a hat on my head, (just like Sophia Loren), roaming the streets of Baghdad and cursing the fine print which I was made to sign........
So which fire is burning the biggest hole????Not sure I have to ask the Fireman.....
So when people ask me, why dont you stop moaning and pack your bags and go to HUBBY, I tend to wander is it only me who was stupid enough to sign that bloody thing???hmm. Well let me tell you abit about my family. They are the best of the lot, seriously, I mean they have given me so much freedom that at times I wander was that wise???
My dad never ever in his life forced me to do anything, even in school, he never told me to go and study, all he said was just do your best, dont kill yourself, just do what you can. So I ended up being one of those students that never studied during the whole year, and only devoured the books the night before the finals. Umm not such a great strategy....But hey I did pass and I managed to get 2 degrees.
After living 11 years practically on my own, I decided to come back home. I realised as I got older, I have become more emotional towards my family, and I just didnt want to be away from them no more, hence the condition I put forward to HUBBY before we got married. Which simply was "I will only marry you if we live next to my family" hmm, very very bad move......
HUBBY being the nice HUBBY that he is, came and visited my family and tried to get a feel of the place, I have to admit that at first he really didnt like it, he wasnt used to all the formalities, nor was he used to wearing suits day in, day out. But he never told me NO, we cant live next to your family. Then the unthinkable happened and he got the job he always dreamt of in his beloved Iraq....
So off he went leaving me behind at my parent's place. Yup, Im living with them which is great cuz thats what I always wanted but then again, Im married right? I should be with my HUBBY, right? Well I guess you cant have your cake and eat it....
At the beginning no one asked questions, but now, everytime I sit with my family they ask me"So?what are your plans". Meaning when are you gonna live like normal people. Hmm, now lets see, what shall I answer them... I have no clue!!! HUBBY is stuck there, and I know that deep in his heart he is quite ok with this situation. He sees it as a blip on the chart, thats all. He presumes that all the pressure is on him but infact its me who the pressure is on, cuz its me who has to answer the questions and its me who has to explain to them that HUBBY wants to stay there.....
Its not that they wanna get rid of me, far far from it, they are glad Im with them, they always wanted it this way, but they want me to settle down, they want me to have a life.....Their questioning doesnt have to be done by words, I can easily see it in their eyes, and Im stuck, stuck in a state of oblivion....
Coming from a Middle Eastern background, it aint easy for the girl to go upto to her parents and say "Thats it Im going to a war zone". It's not that simple, even if you are married, you still have to answer to your parents and that comes from the respect that we have for them. I would love to pack everything I have and just go. Actually I will be quite a happy bunny, but I cant. Yes they have given me all the freedom, yes I can stay outside the house until dawn, without them questioning me. But its a big NO, to make a decision and say "Bye Cya all later, it was nice meeting ya all", especially in the current circumstances.
I am not quite sure what to do now. Im between 2 fires, one is me and one is HUBBY. Oh actually 3 fires, the last one being my parents....Although they dont nag me, but I can tell they know that Im an unhappy being. I can never lie, nor pretend, what you see is what you get. If I dont eat for several days they know I aint happy(and believe you me I can go on without food for days and days), If I stay in my room for weeks upon weeks, they know Im unhappy. I actually try my best to smile and joke, but behind the exterior they can feel my misery. Thats my family.
My HUBBY on the other hand, tells me to be patient and that things will get better, hmm, now which part doesnt he understand. The part that I tell him Im miserable without him, or the part that my parents are worried and do not want us to live apart??? To be honest Im tired of complaining to him, I really am, I havent got the energy anymore, cuz everytime the subject of "when are we gonna be normal" comes up he goes icy cold and I feel distanced to a far away place......Thats why, I tend to stop in mid sentence so instead of "when are we gonna be "normal again", I say "when are we umm, so what car do you wanna buy???" which definitely makes HUBBY happy and excited just like a 10 yr old who is off buying a new play station game, and makes ME go to la la land, pretending that maybe, just maybe one day I will be riding in the car beside him wearing dark sunglasses and a hat on my head, (just like Sophia Loren), roaming the streets of Baghdad and cursing the fine print which I was made to sign........
So which fire is burning the biggest hole????Not sure I have to ask the Fireman.....
10 Comments:
Dear Iraqi Wife,
Multiple choice question:
How do you think my family reacted when I told them that I (an Iraqi) will be moving to live in Israel with my Palestinian husband, because my husband got this job?
1. They freaked out
2. Decided that they really hate my husband
3. Encouraged me to follow my husband even if it is to the end of the earth
4. Checked me into an asylem
Ihath, they encouraged you???Help me, tell me how to cope???
Dear Iraqi Wife,
I will not give you advice but only tell you stories from my own experience. Like you, I am very close to my family. It was very hard to tell my parents that I was moving into the war zone in order to support my husbands career. It was very hard for me to travel away with their only grandchild (at that point) the one they grew very attached to on yet another crazy adventure. It was very hard to live in Israel. It was very hard to tell my husband after 4 years that I was leaving with or without him because I hated living there and because I din't want to raise my children there. But, in retrospect I am glad I did it. I am glad I joined my husband in his dream. I am glad I supported him in the craziness. I am glad I proved to him that I tried very hard to make it work, for him and only for him. I wouldn't have done this for anybody else. I am glad I put my foot down when it had to be. I am happy that he followed me back to Vancouver and that in the end he chose me and the kids over his crazy obesession with his career. I am glad we worked through the bitterness that followed after that. And finally after 5 years I am living 3 blocks away from my parents and we all get along just great most of the time. I have taken hold of my life.
Wow Ihath, I just love your strength. You see, I was once like that, and I did take my chances, a long long time ago, but you know what, I ended up regretting it, cuz I messed up big time. But my parents held their hands out to me and took me in again. I caused them alot of pain and hurt.
Now its different, circumstances are different, maybe if I get a humanitarian job in Iraq, which I really am trying hard to do, they might understand. I so much want to support my husband, I really do. He is worth every grain of risk that I am ready to take. I'd rather die knowing he is beside me, than live and worry about him all the time....
You are a great example to women Ihath, and after reading your comment I feel your positive energy coming my way.... Thanx I really needed that.
Dear Iraqi Wife,
I used to think that comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all a long what I needed to be happy was something to be enthusiastic about.
There is one thing that I learned from that experience and that is not to trust my emotions because they have failed me many times. Not to trust logic or reason, that has failed me too, because when you make a decision based on reason you rarely know all the facts in order to make a correct decision anyway. I have learned to trust my intuition. That voice that seems to come from my gut. Like you, I have been close to nearly losing my life on more than one occasion. In each case I was saved because my intuition told me to do something that seemed illogical but only made sense in hind sight. I always trust my gut feelings now.
lol Ihath, I just cam back from a war zone thats taking place in my living room. My parents are arguing about me now, so I left them and took a break(am having a cig)...God wallah if I can strangle HUBBY now, I will do it. I just wanna be a happy go lucky person, I wanna live, I had enough of stress in my past....Off I am fed up.. this cig sure is soothing ;-)
Before leaving for Israel, my parents had a fight with each other. At the end of it they were arguing about whose fault it was that I was leaving for Israel. My mom claimed that it was all my dad's fault because he gave me permission to marry my husband. My dad insisted that it was my mom's fault because she didn't understand me enough.
So, did your parents decide whose fault things are yet?
I don't think that you should move to the war zone. I think that what you guys need right now is some R&R. Hubby must have some family time built up by know?
Spend two week at some neutral secret location. You fly out and meet Hubby 1/2 way somewhere and spend some quality time together, but don't move to the war zone you would just become a distraction and a liability.
Madtom
Ihath, its funny when you say that, cuz yes now each one of them is blaming the other, and Im just a spectator, watching them with a bag of popcorn,lol
Madtom, you are absolutely right, thats exatcly what my dad said, I will be a liability and will make things worse for HUBBY. His next R&R is on 18th November, but Im not in the mood for a vacation without knowing what my future is, seems like HUBBY is going alone on his holiday.....
"seems like HUBBY is going alone on his holiday....."
You have my condolences.
Madtom
Post a Comment
<< Home