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neurotic Iraqi wife

July 11, 2011

Shrouded in Black....

A few days ago I was searching on Google about souls and I somehow ended up on my blog. I started reading the words that I have written long ago and for some odd reason I couldnt seem to remember any of it. But reading it made me crave writing again. Something I havent done for almost a year. I do write, but its all in my mind. I can see words floating around whenever I close my eyes. But I guess I was too scared to put them on paper, too scared that my words wont make any sense. Wont make any sense to me.

But today, today I am writing. I am writing for selfish reasons. Today Im writing because I feel alone. I feel alone and I need someone, something to soothe me. Today Im writing because just 3 weeks ago, I lost my mother. I lost my mom 22 months after losing my dad. Today Im writing because Im in pain. A pain that doesnt seem to want to go away. A pain that is so so deep, even time wont be able to heal it. My parents werent that old. No. Not at all. My parents were so energetic and fun. So loving and caring. My parents were so beautiful. Beautiful and young at heart. But now, now they are both gone. Gone, leaving behind them four children that are in utter and utmost shock.

My mom fought like no one I knew or will ever know. My mom fought because in her own words when she was asked whether she was scared to die, she said no. No Im not scared to die, but Im scared for my children. My children who are still suffering from their dad's passing. I dont want my children to suffer she said. I dont want my children to suffer for me. Yet she suffered. Suffered for us. She tried so hard. So hard to stay alive. She was poked, poked and prodded until her body became like a canvas of blackness. I never wanted to be there when she was leaving but good thing I was. Good thing we all were.

As the angel of death was taking her soul away, she looked at each and everyone of us. She looked at us for one last time. The very last time...Aaaaakh ya mama. Aaaaakh Ishgad mishtaqatlich. I miss you. I miss you so much. People dont know what to say to us anymore. They tell us that their words wont make a difference. They tell us that we have to go on with our lives. Surely we will, but it wont be the same. Wont be the same without you both.

Yes Im writing. Im writing today because there are no more tears left in me. No more tears to soothe my pain. Im writing today because there is nothing left. Nothing left but words. Words that are shrouded. Shrouded in Black....
posted by neurotic_wife at 11:55 AM


Habeebi NIW...I don't know what to say...I was thinking of you few days ago...and that is why I came across your blog don't know how happy I felt when I saw a new post but really sad for the loss of the most precious person on earth. I am sorry...may she rest in peace, we can't ask but why does this happen to us? Why do we lose whome we love the most in early stages? Sorry God...

Please take care of your self and health...Allaha yir7amha...


July 11, 2011 at 11:56 PM  

Hello NIW,
We had our disagreements in the past, but it's terrible to lose your mother and mere words won't bring her back for you. But you know this death thing, it really just affects the body which is corporeal, the soul lives on and is immutable and your mother lives on.

And so in time you'll reunite with her and she's out there, just open your heart and soul, and pray to hear her comforting words in your dreams, because those of the spirit world can visit you in your dreams and you can visit them.

I remember after my mother died, her spirit stuck around, I felt her presence, well she always worried about me, but I said, Mom, it's okay you can go, and I could feel the absence as soon as she departed. But she needed to make the transition.

And I believe in reincarnation, so I think we tend to interact with the same group of people, lifetime after lifetime, so when you lose someone close like a mother, it hurts greatly because you've had eons of past familiarity with that person, but the thing is you'll all be reunited in the future to do it again...

It's a big learning experience, this School of Life, and we seem to learn more lessons from grief rather than happiness, but thank God for happiness.

And eventually happiness will return to you.

So, take care...

And hello Marshmallow too, it's good that you are still going strong, if you're ever on Facebook, you know my email. :)

July 12, 2011 at 2:19 AM  

Hi Mr. Ghost...:)

July 12, 2011 at 4:12 AM  

Dear NIW,

I was checking for a new post by you and was happy to see that you had a new one. I had not opened it yet.

I am so sorry for the sadness you are experiencing over the passing of your mother. I know you loved her and your father and I feel very sad about your grief.

I do hope that the posts by Marsho and Mr. Ghost and any others you receive including mine will ease your pain and suffering.

I hope our Lord in Heaven will ease your pain and suffering.


July 12, 2011 at 5:07 AM  

Marsho!!!Wallah I didnt even think people still read my blog. So so happy to read your words Marsho. I know that you are one of the very few people that understands my pain. Its like a sharp knife thats dug in my heart and doesnt want to come out. Madri shasawee ib nafsee anymore....I just want to be happy again. I just want things to be normal again. My boys are now the only pleasure in my life and even that is worrisome because one of them is not very well. Aaaaakh ya Mrsho ishwakit iroo7 il alam? Ishwakit?

Mr Ghost, Its been such a long time!yeah I felt her a few days ago, and I now became so obsessed about contacting mediums. Ive been searching the net for them and contacted one already but mom didnt come through, only dad...Or so the man said. Yeah happiness, thats exactly what I want now, I just want to be happy again. I want to smile again, why is that so difficult? I want to enjoy my boys..My precious precious boys...

Thanks Wayne, yes please pray, pray for them and me...I do that every day, maybe, maybe one day, God will be merciful

July 12, 2011 at 8:58 AM  

I am very sorry for your loss, and I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Remember that God only took what was His in the first place, and that you haven't yet told her goodbye, just a 'see you later'

July 12, 2011 at 11:28 PM  

Dear NIW,

sorry for your loss.

Allah karim sister.


July 13, 2011 at 11:59 PM  

Hello NIW,

I've been a reader for a couple of years. Also felt so happy to see a new post, but then all was gone when saw the bad news.

I hope you gain strenght not just for you, but for your family to move on an perhaps do what she wanted you to do,,, not to suffer. I know its hard,,, cant really say much...

Happy to see you again, even under these situation,


July 15, 2011 at 6:17 PM  


July 16, 2011 at 5:04 AM  

After the loss of your father, when you said goodbye to the blog, first I checked your site about weekly-- and found nothing. Then I started checking monthly, and nothing. Then today...SURPRISE!

Maybe the spirit of your mother has sent you back to us. Maybe she knew you'd find love among the readers of the blog.

So I thank your mother for sending you back to us. We welcome you to walk through the garden of loving, caring words.

Still here, your Texas friend who's probably older than your mother.


July 19, 2011 at 10:59 PM  

I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how deep the loss is to lose both of your parents so close together. Angela

July 21, 2011 at 5:18 PM  

I am sorry for you loss but you must continue for your boys! God Bless you!

August 2, 2011 at 2:27 AM  

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August 6, 2011 at 7:59 PM  

Dear Neurotica,
I will start by Ramadan Kareem & Inna Lillah we Inna Ilayhi Raji'oon.
It is exactly what Marsho wrote. I was thinking of you and wondering where you were, and, as I promissed, looking for you to ask if you needed help, thinking that you were far away from your family. To my surprise, you were there. Felt sooo happy, started reading the new blog, and, my God, I checked the sentence again, I thought it was a typo and you were just telling us again that you lost your Dad.
Your Mom dear NIW, why? what happened? so young? so fast? four children? & much much more...
You're looking for answers or relief? there's non my dear..
Ask Marsho, she's been through it. How do I know? I followed your blog and Marsho's. Both, were the best source for the past few years. Both, helped me a lot.
Or, ask me, it's been years and years since I lost her. Pain will never go away, it will intensify
You asked, ishwakit? there's no time for it. My advise, never be alone, the help comes from what they left for you, your faith, their friends. It is a treasure. And, please, allow us (Marsho, myself and your friends) to offer the bit of help that we have, we will all be with you.
Two years ago, your life has changed. Now, it is changed forever...
I wish I could contact you...

August 7, 2011 at 8:35 AM  

I'm so glad I stopped by... I hoped you'd be back. I've been reading you for years, and it was rough that you left.

I am so so sorry for your loss :( There is nothing worse than losing a parent or a loved one.

God bless you..

August 14, 2011 at 6:32 AM  

My Condolences to you, this is the path that we all take.
Hope the Kids are doing well.

All the Best


August 19, 2011 at 4:56 PM  


So very good to see you again. I've missed you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. <3



September 3, 2011 at 6:00 AM  

Hii N I W:
My Condolences to you and your family;

Please see the tears sutra.
Be Safe, From X Y Z.

At Savatthi. There the Blessed One said: "From an inconstruable beginning comes transmigration. A beginning point is not evident, though beings hindered by ignorance and fettered by craving are transmigrating & wandering on. What do you think, monks: Which is greater, the tears you have shed while transmigrating & wandering this long, long time — crying & weeping from being joined with what is displeasing, being separated from what is pleasing — or the water in the four great oceans?"

"As we understand the Dhamma taught to us by the Blessed One, this is the greater: the tears we have shed while transmigrating & wandering this long, long time — crying & weeping from being joined with what is displeasing, being separated from what is pleasing — not the water in the four great oceans."

"Excellent, monks. Excellent. It is excellent that you thus understand the Dhamma taught by me.

"This is the greater: the tears you have shed while transmigrating & wandering this long, long time — crying & weeping from being joined with what is displeasing, being separated from what is pleasing — not the water in the four great oceans.

"Long have you (repeatedly) experienced the death of a mother. The tears you have shed over the death of a mother while transmigrating & wandering this long, long time — crying & weeping from being joined with what is displeasing, being separated from what is pleasing — are greater than the water in the four great oceans.

"Long have you (repeatedly) experienced the death of a father... the death of a brother... the death of a sister... the death of a son... the death of a daughter... loss with regard to relatives... loss with regard to wealth... loss with regard to disease. The tears you have shed over loss with regard to disease while transmigrating & wandering this long, long time — crying & weeping from being joined with what is displeasing, being separated from what is pleasing — are greater than the water in the four great oceans.

"Why is that? From an inconstruable beginning comes transmigration. A beginning point is not evident, though beings hindered by ignorance and fettered by craving are transmigrating & wandering on. Long have you thus experienced stress, experienced pain, experienced loss, swelling the cemeteries — enough to become disenchanted with all fabricated things, enough to become dispassionate, enough to be released."

September 7, 2011 at 3:51 AM  

I wish you and yours well. You have been blessed with wonderful parents who guided you; may you be the parent to your children that your parents were to you. What could be a greater gift?

-- Cheryl in Seattle

September 10, 2011 at 2:31 PM  

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September 17, 2011 at 10:58 PM  

Dear NIW,

i was wondering whats happening and checked your blog after long time, it is so sad to hear that, i was reading your text that I could not finish, i just cant, the same happened to me, as i lost my mother who was 43 years old, and after two years or less I lost my Dad, I guess for them loving each other was difficult to live alone....I want you to know that you are not alone, and the hearts of your readers with you...take care...cest la vie


September 20, 2011 at 1:15 PM  

You came into my mind randomly today so I thought I'd take a peak at your blog and see if 1) it was still up and 2) if you had written anything. Finding a new post was bittersweet to say the least.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. If you post again please let us know how your sons are doing. I remember that they had a lot of health problems when they were young and I have wondered if they have outgrown any of those issues or if they continue to be something you deal with. How are you and your husband? Wishing you much love and happiness.

September 25, 2011 at 5:30 AM  


I've recently started reading your blog and I was very impressed by your achievements.

Ive recently heard about this blog and was wondering whether I can contact you? (in not such a public way) I would like your opinion/advice on a personal matter of mine.. I hope you don't mind and not take this the wrong way.....I know you haven't written on ur blog for ages. But I would really appreciate your advice.

Thank you


October 3, 2011 at 1:19 AM  


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October 17, 2011 at 3:55 AM  

I know you said a year ago you were leaving this blog but it has never left my bookmarks and from time to time I checked to see if you were there. So sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

October 22, 2011 at 4:23 AM  

Dear Neurotic...,

For years, possibly from your first blogging, I have peered into your life though this portal. I have read your stories and over time, in my mind a connection has been forged.
You are like an old friend who has moved away and occasionally I come here to see if you have returned to write another chapter. I am so sorry for your loss and the void in your life. My condolences to your family.

You are a gifted writer who tells your story with pure emotional honesty. I hope that you will continue sharing.


November 28, 2011 at 1:37 AM  

So sorry for you. Hope everything will star doing ok from now on. Take care

December 31, 2011 at 1:07 PM  

Your words are helpful.

January 5, 2012 at 12:56 AM  

Your words are inspiring and remind us about this

Hope it helps!

January 10, 2012 at 2:14 PM  

It can't work in actual fact, that's what I think.

January 16, 2012 at 11:10 AM  

true words

March 3, 2012 at 10:25 PM  

come back :(

April 15, 2012 at 11:51 PM  

Dear, you are in my prayers. I have followed your blog on and off as life consumes us, I've cherished the moments you've shared with us. Last I checked in, you were praising your Baba and as I revisit today I shed a few tears knowing your mother is overlooking you, your kids, your family. I pray that her spiritual presence comforts you, it is not an easy feat to see loved ones pass. Do know she is alive in spirit, spirt never dies as well you are not alone with thousands of us that have watched you embrace life changes, from caring for your family to starting your own. You've grown into a remarkable lady, hold strong and keep trudging because when in doubt, there are many of us here to keep you from falling. Peace and Love to you, be well and remember....your parents would be proud of you for keeping your head up. ;) God Bless You.

June 15, 2012 at 9:06 AM  

My sympathy to you and your family. Here is a poem by Henry Van Dyke.
I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, ‘There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight – that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
‘There she goes! ‘ ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
‘Here she comes!’

July 12, 2012 at 1:10 AM  

Khala shwakt trej3en Kolesh meshtaqa aqra ktabatch.


September 9, 2012 at 12:02 PM  

Hi there!

My name is Bisma M. and I am a student at Rutgers University in the US. I am working on a project about Iraqi youth and their views of democracy and religion. If you could please answer some questions I would appreciate it!

My email is

September 12, 2012 at 7:36 PM  

I wish for you to continue your writing whether it is publically or privately. You really have an awesome knack and are so captivating you NEED to write because you do it so well. I believe you can be a famous writer. Good lucky in your journeys, I have been following you for many years now. I want to express my sadness for your losses. Please continue to write. it will help!

January 6, 2013 at 10:22 PM  

Hi my dear. For some reason I found your blog and your post about your mother. Sorry for your loss. But there is something I want to tell you. I lost my father 5 years ago. I didn´t shed a tear then, and up till now, I didn´t miss him for a second. He probably had his reasons but he was a terrible parent. We only miss what used to be meaningful, positive, pleasant in our lives. It seems you had that blessings, so be grateful for that. I wish you all the best...

January 10, 2013 at 12:43 AM  

Hi. I, like so many others, have followed your beautiful writing. I have sent you many good wishes from Texas -- I'm sure you received them! I also kept your page bookmarked, missing you, and today I found this post. I lost Mama and Daddy within 6 months of each other, 3 years ago. The entire next year was a blur. Just going thru the paces, but I didn't have young children like you. Blessings, they are.
I also contacted a psychic, a pet psychic actually, and while talking about the dogs, she asked about the two older people who have breakfast with me every day. We DID have breakfast together every morning -- and apparently we STILL do!!
Your parents live on, please know. Take care. Donna

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April 15, 2013 at 5:33 PM  

Awww NIW such a sad story. <3

I would like to hear an update on life from you now?

June 6, 2013 at 2:07 PM  


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June 27, 2013 at 9:44 AM  

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October 6, 2013 at 4:41 AM  

I appreciate your blog post, beautifully expressed and well written.

March 17, 2014 at 12:55 PM  

Very value able post, I read the whole story when I start reading it.

March 17, 2014 at 1:31 PM  

Dear Neurotica
Thank you for writing about your experiences and sharing your views online.
I'm not sure if you still check this space anymore, but if you do I would like to ask you a couple of questions about your blog.
If you would like to contact me my email address is

June 11, 2014 at 12:07 PM  

I'm still alive and kicking. Not sure if anyone is reading this blog anymore. It's sad that many of us bloggers stopped writing... My life is completely different now. But it seems to me the situation in Iraq has not changed at all. I guess I was right in my predictions... So sad.

June 25, 2014 at 11:06 PM  

Hi Neurotica,

I'm still reading. I'm so sorry to hear that you have been going through hard times, but you've always faced your challenges with courage.
The situation in Iraq is bleak, it's very saddening.

I don't know if you've tried to email but I accidentally posted the wrong email, it's

All the best.

July 3, 2014 at 5:54 AM  

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