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neurotic Iraqi wife

September 10, 2004

Anyways.......

Every time I promise myself not to ask HUBBY what has he planned for our future, I do the complete opposite and nag him about it. I cant help myself , its like a small bubble waiting to burst. I hate not knowing, I hate to feel that Im hanging by a thin rope, one day it sways me left and the other it sways me right then once it loses its strength it just drops me.

When HUBBY first got the job in Iraq I was totally against it, and we would end up arguing every single time we talk. He would say you have to support me, you have to be happy that my dream is coming true. Hmm his dream and what about my dream? What about my future? He says your future is my future, I wanna make a difference, I wanna be able to help the people and give them something that I will be proud of for the rest of my life....He knows how to trap me, he knew very well that I didnt have the heart to say no, dont go and help, for he knows the love I have for my country. How can I? How can I stop him after he uttered those words? I had no choice, for he gave me none. It was like, Im going and thats that, its for us, for the future, for our children....

I wander how would it be if it was me saying these words? Would he have said yes darling go? Would he have accepted the fact that I chose my country over him? I doubt, for men are always like this.Its ok for them but not ok for women.Grrrrrrr that just bugs the hell out of me, makes me very angry thinking about it. HUBBY is a very nice guy, he is patient with me, very patient, infact truth to be told, EXTREMELY patient. But He has this thing where he can make me feel like Im on cloud 9 one day, and then down in the gutters the next day...

So everytime I wanna call HUBBY, I psyche myself up about not mentioning the future nor the kind of suffering im going through without him, and I go on dialling his number with a smile stretched 180 degrees across my face:
Then all of a sudden I hear women laughing uncontrollably in the background,(you know how you can differentiate between "cheap" laughter and "normal" laughter) So I start fuming, fuming wishing that one day technology would allow me to put my hand through the phone and strangle whoever it is.....Its not because they are women, no dont get me wrong(although a small part of it is), but its because he is there living a new experience without me, meeting new people, making a difference, he is doing all this and Im sitting here all alone, writing a blog thousands of miles away. Then the smile goes into thin air and all traces of self containment disappears and my frustrated bubble surfaces
And there it is, the anger, the pain, the tears yet again crawling in the background....If only he gives me a time limit, you know?something like Oh by this time I will be done and we can live happily ever after. Or how about a baby, yes brilliant idea, a baby!!!A baby thats the seed of our love, a precious precious being, maybe then I will stop the nagging. I guess next time we have to work real hard, but then again I will probably be complaining all the time.hehe

I swear to you, I really try, I try so hard to conceal the hurt, to conceal my unhappiness, but we are humans after all. As each day passes, the bubble gains more weight and momentum until one day Im afraid it will just explode, and then there will be no words, no actions to restore it back to its orginal tiny size.

Its a great pity that he doesnt feel my pain, its even worse that he might aknowledge it but yet doesnt do anything to make it go.....I know he loves me, I know he cares, I know all that, but....... ANYWAYS.....
posted by neurotic_wife at 4:30 PM

4 Comments:

This is a wonderful post; one that every woman in the world can relate to, and probably most men. I felt the same way when my future husband was away in the military many years ago. He would call from "some place" in the world; and I would hear the laughing in the background, and I just couldn't stop myself from being a pain in the butt.

Luckily, I had a very understanding guy too, and he knew it was because I missed him so much. Sounds like you are very lucky to have such a terrific and passionate husband that cares so much about you and Iraq. There's alot of people who just talk about stuff, but few are the ones that have the integrity to live up to their principals. Hope someday soon Iraq will be secure enough for you to join him and get on with your lives.
M

September 10, 2004 at 10:47 PM  

Hi M, Finally someone who relates to my frustration,lol, I thought I was going insane!!!!(not that I havent)It does get frustrating, since The total time we have spent together since we got married last April until now is 12 days!!!But they are the best 12 days I have had in my life, and Im hoping that I will have many many more.And M, Theres a saying in Arabic "Allah ikhaleekum il ba'adhkum" which means, may God keep you for each other....(I hope that was the right translation....

My best wishes for you and your lovely husband

September 10, 2004 at 11:54 PM  

Hello Neurotic Wife,
This post reminds me of the time when we were living in Scotland and my husband had to travel to south of france on a field trip with his students. It was cold and miserable in Scotland, I was sick and so was my daughter. I was also feeling lonely because we had just moved there and we didn't know anybody there. So, my husband calls me from south of france.

Husband: I am having a great time. This place is beautiful.
Me: O!
Husband: This morning I went to this coffee shop and had the best cappuciono and croisent that I ever had.
Me: O!
Husband: You should see the secenery here, and it is warm and nice.
Me: O!
Husband: Sooooo, do you miss me?
Me: No!
Husband: What's wrong, you sound upset.
Me: Nothing, call me back in few days when I start missing you, bye.

I feel so bad today about being grouchy.

September 11, 2004 at 12:16 AM  

Ok, I am laughing even more now, I was laughing about the PMS article, and I read your comment, my cheeks are killing me from the stretched skin....Ihath wallah you are a character and I like you!!!
HUBBY does that to me, and then when he asks if I miss him, and I say no, he says I know you doooo, I know you love me, and cant live without me, the nerve of him,lol

September 11, 2004 at 12:26 AM  

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