neurotic Iraqi wife

Every time I promise myself not to ask HUBBY what has he planned for our future, I do the complete opposite and nag him about it. I cant help myself , its like a small bubble waiting to burst. I hate not knowing, I hate to feel that Im hanging by a thin rope, one day it sways me left and the other it sways me right then once it loses its strength it just drops me.

When HUBBY first got the job in Iraq I was totally against it, and we would end up arguing every single time we talk. He would say you have to support me, you have to be happy that my dream is coming true. Hmm his dream and what about my dream? What about my future? He says your future is my future, I wanna make a difference, I wanna be able to help the people and give them something that I will be proud of for the rest of my life....He knows how to trap me, he knew very well that I didnt have the heart to say no, dont go and help, for he knows the love I have for my country. How can I? How can I stop him after he uttered those words? I had no choice, for he gave me none. It was like, Im going and thats that, its for us, for the future, for our children....

I wander how would it be if it was me saying these words? Would he have said yes darling go? Would he have accepted the fact that I chose my country over him? I doubt, for men are always like this.Its ok for them but not ok for women.Grrrrrrr that just bugs the hell out of me, makes me very angry thinking about it. HUBBY is a very nice guy, he is patient with me, very patient, infact truth to be told, EXTREMELY patient. But He has this thing where he can make me feel like Im on cloud 9 one day, and then down in the gutters the next day...

So everytime I wanna call HUBBY, I psyche myself up about not mentioning the future nor the kind of suffering im going through without him, and I go on dialling his number with a smile stretched 180 degrees across my face:

• ME: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii darling, how are you? where are you?
• HUBBY: Hi sweetie, Im ok, im at the Green zone Cafe
• ME: Aha I see, who are you with and what are you eating?
• HUBBY: Im with a colleague of mine having Gus (gus is shredded lamb)
• ME: YUMMMY, can you send me some by DHL?

Then all of a sudden I hear women laughing uncontrollably in the background,(you know how you can differentiate between "cheap" laughter and "normal" laughter) So I start fuming, fuming wishing that one day technology would allow me to put my hand through the phone and strangle whoever it is.....Its not because they are women, no dont get me wrong(although a small part of it is), but its because he is there living a new experience without me, meeting new people, making a difference, he is doing all this and Im sitting here all alone, writing a blog thousands of miles away. Then the smile goes into thin air and all traces of self containment disappears and my frustrated bubble surfaces

• ME: what the hell was that? who are you with? why were they laughing?what the heck is happening?
• HUBBY: they are just colleagues darling, I think someone said a joke and they are laughing at it...((yeah right))
• ME: So when are you deciding to come back and live like normal married couples do? are we gonna stay like this, you there, me here without a bloody life? Dont you wanna have a family? Dont you wanna settle down?
• HUBBY: Oh nooooo not again, please not again, I thought we have discussed this before? Why go over the same conversation everytime? I told you, this is for us, for our children. We will get to be together just enjoy what we have now((what we have?damn, is he seeing something I am not?what is it that we have now?maybe its time I change my lenses)), anyways........
• ME: Yeah anyways, Bye

And there it is, the anger, the pain, the tears yet again crawling in the background....If only he gives me a time limit, you know?something like Oh by this time I will be done and we can live happily ever after. Or how about a baby, yes brilliant idea, a baby!!!A baby thats the seed of our love, a precious precious being, maybe then I will stop the nagging. I guess next time we have to work real hard, but then again I will probably be complaining all the time.hehe

I swear to you, I really try, I try so hard to conceal the hurt, to conceal my unhappiness, but we are humans after all. As each day passes, the bubble gains more weight and momentum until one day Im afraid it will just explode, and then there will be no words, no actions to restore it back to its orginal tiny size.

Its a great pity that he doesnt feel my pain, its even worse that he might aknowledge it but yet doesnt do anything to make it go.....I know he loves me, I know he cares, I know all that, but....... ANYWAYS.....