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neurotic Iraqi wife

August 15, 2010

Waiting...

In less than a week, a year would have been passed. 365 days Baba. 365 Days without seeing you, without hearing you, without touching you. 365 days of utter and utmost heart break. I have prayed for you every night, talked to you every day. Remembered you every second. Yesterday I shed tears for the umpteenth time. HUBBY and I were walking with one of the boys in the streets of London, and there, right infront of my eyes I saw your favourite place. OUR favourite Place. Foyles. Foyles the bookshop. I stopped in my tracks and forgot all about the rain. HUBBY looked at me while he was pushing the stroller and said cmon Neurotica, wake up, yella move.

My tears kept flowing and he knew somethng was up. This is Baba's place I said. This is our special time. Every Saturday when he'd visit London he would take me to Foyles ever since I was a child. We would spend hours upon hours reading and buying books. He instilled in me the love for learning, the love for reading. After we are done with our purchases, he would take me to the Fish and Chips place next door. Aaaaaaaakh ya baba Aaaaaaaaaaakh. Aaaaaaaaakh the pain doesnt want to go away. I miss you, miss you sooooo sooooo much. I truly wish you were here.

I dont really have much good news Baba. One of the boys isnt feeling too well unfortunately. We had to pack our bags and leave in a night to come here. I lost all hope in Dr's in AD. I hate them, and hate them with a vengeance. They took you away from me, and now they were about to take my son. They wouldnt listen to me when I tell them I know something is up. They kept telling me I worry too much. But a mothers instinct is far too strong. I refused their misdiagnosis and am taking him to the best doctors here. Ilhamdilla, things are beginning to brighten up again. He is doing much better. I had to leave my other son with D, we had no choice, but I will be going to get him very soon. And Baba, I know youre not gonna like this, but we are most probably moving to the States for good. Yes I know, I know Baba you always wanted me to stay to be with the family, bes I cant. I cant risk my boys health anymore. I really cant, and Im sure had you been here, you yourself will tell me to go. Im doing this for them and them only.

Yes its gonna be a nightmare with no help, no family, no friends, absolutely no one. Im going to be a total wreck. But if its for my childrens sake, then who cares about me. I give them my life and not see them suffer. I had plans baba. Big plans for their first birthday. We all knew if you were still with us, you would throw them the biggest party ever. And based upon that, I was planning something big, something special BUT. But with one of them sick, and us not going to be in AD anymore, we will probably just get them a small cake, a small candle, and wait for you to visit so we can all blow the candles together. Please do come and visit, even for just a few minutes. I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you Baba. Waiting...
posted by neurotic_wife at 12:20 PM

70 Comments:

I hope all turns out well for you and your family. Sad circumstances but great to see you post again.

August 15, 2010 at 7:14 PM  

If you come the US, please know there are many of us who have followed your posts and you will have a surrogate family here

August 15, 2010 at 8:05 PM  

I am sorry to hear the trouble you are having with your son. I hope he heals well and soon.

I am happy to hear from you even though some of the post is very sad.

August 16, 2010 at 3:24 AM  

Yes Neurotica, you already have friends here. I'd meet you for coffee in a second! :)

So sorry to hear your son is not well. My prayers are with your family.

Looks like I will have an extended stay in SA while DH works there for a year. I will be there for six months, but will come back here to Florida in June.

I know the family you will be leaving is far more special than any cyber fans you will have in the States, but you will not be totally alone.

Always,

Melanie

August 20, 2010 at 10:10 PM  

Glad to see you post again although I wish the circumstances were better. Keeping positive thoughts for you and your family.

Cara

August 21, 2010 at 4:55 AM  

I'm glad to read your post Madam.
but please, don't be sad any more, please. i know how hard your loss is, but you should keep your smile always.
your babies are growing up between your blessed hands, and all what they need is your sweet caring and beautiful motherly emotions.

with my love
Sandybelle

August 28, 2010 at 10:51 PM  

Ditto to what Deborah said. I live in North Carolina, where there are 2 world-renowned children's hospitals. Just let me know if I can help facilitate anything.

August 29, 2010 at 8:06 PM  

I say give them a big birthday anyway. Reading your sentence about getting them a small cake, a small candle and waiting for the spirit of your dead father to arrive is kinda messed up Neurotica. They are only one once and you will be more likely to regret not throwing them the big party you had intended. Maybe I'm being harsh but sometimes tough love is needed. Grief for your father shouldn't be crippling to the point where how you celebrate family functions with your children is altered.

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March 8, 2011 at 8:20 AM  

Oh, I felt terribly sad upon reading your post. I guess, almost all mothers are like you, willing to sacrifice everything for their kids sake. Whew! Thanks for sharing, eh.


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