neurotic Iraqi wife

Im totally devastated, and by the way, I aint complaining, nor am I moaning. But Im totally and utterly devastated. I came to the conclusion that men are the most selfish creatures on this earth. Yes, aha, selfish BIG TIMEEEEEEE....

The other day as I was talking to HUBBY on the phone, I didnt know what was waiting for me on the other end of the receiver...At first it was a fun conversation, discussing cars and houses, since I decided that I aint gonna start nagging HUBBY about NOT buying either, I said let him be and let him have what he wants. Then the conversation steered into his work, and how things are at the company he is working at. I know that he has been having problems, he had told me right from the start, that Iraqi expat engineers are being sidelined. They are not allowed to make any decisions, nor interact with the Iraqi organisations. I mean hellooooooo, who better to know how to communicate with Iraqis than Iraqis themselves.

In any case, he went on telling me about the current situation at the company, and I was all ears,sympathising with him, then out of no where he uttered the words "Im attached". Huh?? attached? attached to what HUBBY?

HUBBY: Im attached to this place, I cant leave now
ME:attached to bloody what?(trying to keep my calm, but my heart just sank to my feet)
HUBBY: Im attached to Baghdad, to my job. Its very gratifying to know that Im doing something good for the people
ME: And what is it you are doing for the people??I havent heard of any new accomplishments taking place, nor have I heard of any reconstruction taking effect, people who are able to leave the country are doing so in no time......
HUBBY: Its all there in the process
ME: Oh god, in the process, well HUBBY dear, everything is in the bloody process, democracy is in the process, freedom is in the process, security is still bloody in the process.
HUBBY: Dont worry, everything will be fine, just give it a couple of more years
ME: A couple more what???years????(ok this conversation is getting on my nerves now, and although I tried so hard not to bring the fearful subject of "OUR LIFE" it all came out)
ME: So what you are telling me is that you want me to wait for another donkey years to live a proper life with my husband? you are telling me that you are so attached to the place that you are willing to live like this???
HUBBY: All I want is to atleast build one thing, so I can be proud of myself that I actually achieved something for my people, my country.
ME: Aha, I see, ok I have to go now, take care HUBBY. BYE...

I hung up feeling that my world has just come to an end, and I am serious, the end is looming. What killed me the most about that phonecall was the word "attached". HUBBY has never ever told me that he is "attached" to me. And now he says he is bloody "attached" to a place?????Im so hurt and I can feel my heart is breaking into teeny weeny pieces. My patience is running out.

I dont have it in me, to live every single day of my life worried about HUBBY's safety. Its driving me nuts. Day in, day out, Im glued to the TV and the net, incase theres breaking news and a suicide bomb took place next to HUBBY(God forbid). He wants me to live like this for a couple of more years???He really must have lost it.

I realised that although I come in 6th place, I should never succumb to it. I should be number one on his list. And apparantely this is becoming much of a struggle. Whats the point of meeting up with him on his R&R when again he has to leave me cuz he is ATTACHED. Attached to something far greater than me.

Yesterday as I went to visit my sister, a friend of hers asked me, how is your husband?Where is he now?is he still in Iraq?? I looked at her, forcing my tears back, and said yes, yes he is still there, he is doing ok. I could see the pity in her eyes, and thats the worst thing, when someone feels sorry for you and pities you. She then went on,"how are you coping?It must be real difficult especially when you are newly married?". Although I never give in infront of strangers, yesterday was different. I answered her whole heartedly "I aint coping". She just went quiet and said may God help you....Yes I said to myself, I really want God to help me. To help me accept my fate, to help me deal with the everyday worries, to help me get through this....

My bestfriend gave me an amazing book to read its called "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. Its a true story. It talks about how one dying man sees the world, sees life...Its a pity that HUBBY doesnt like reading books. He would have learned to appreciate what he has and not take anything for granted....

But HUBBY is "attached", "attached" not to his new family, not to his darling wife but is "attached" to his own desires, to his own selfishness. Attached to principles that have long been forgotten. Theres an expression which says" Fix your own home first before fixing other people's homes". So HUBBY instead of being attached to whatever it is, start with your own house before things start to break and then no words nor actions can fix the broken glass, cuz no matter how hard you try to put the pieces together, there will always be that visible crack.