neurotic Iraqi wife

When I started blogging, I thought it was the best way to get me out of my misery. I always found solace with my pen and paper, I never resorted to family when Im down, cause I simply didnt want them to worry about me. Although at times when they did realise that I looked unwell,they would ask me whats wrong(a very wrong thing to do)I would just start crying and everything would come out. You know how it is when you bottle everything up for a long long time and then someone comes along and asks whats wrong, you just cant hide no more.

Yesterday I called HUBBY and he was having dinner with some of his so called "friends". He did something which annoyed the hell out of me, he told me to hold on a second and then said to his "friends" say hiiiii. I heard a man's voice then this low class cheap voice, shouts in a whiny voice, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii with a bout of laughter afterwards. I was shocked, what kind of women is he spending time with?????God the nerve of this lady. I was disappointed at HUBBY for giving her the chance to act this way and disrespect me in that manner. And that just blew the roof off. I felt steam coming out from every part of my body. I hung up feeling so down and annoyed, how could the person I love so much in this world do this to me. I wander what he had told them about me, to make that low life bitch laugh her head off.....Although in a later phonecall when I asked him how he could do such a thing he apologised, and said that the lady went abit too far. And we went back to talking about lovey dovey stuff and he told me that he loved me so much and that he had never disrespected me in any way or form. He even assured me that he was the perfect gentleman and never spoke to the other sex out of context. Which somehow relieved the pain.

After sometime, I get a call from my dearest brother, and I just told him everything, everything thats been bottled up inside of me. My loneliness, my depression, my frustration, my anger, and I even told him about that incident with that low life COW!!!!He said well now you know, how some people are, but then he gave me a long talk, and made me wake up. You know how it is when you feel you are drowning in the muckiest and dirtiest of waters, and you just cant see anything, waiting for someone to come to your rescue, well thats exactly what happened. I needed that talk, I needed someone to remind me, that Im still young and that I have so much that I can do. I have a life of my own and should take every opportunity to live it. He told me go out, have fun, socialise, go and work and get to know new people. Stop this depression you are in, you are smart you have a degree, use it for gods sake. Dont just sit there. My family are always encouraging me to do things, to get on my own feet and live life to the top, but I always gave the excuse of not wanting to cuz I just wanna be with HUBBY. That has changed, finally.

HUBBY is still the love of my life, but for once, I have decided that Im too young and I have a life infront of me. Im gonna revamp myself and go out there and enjoy everything around me. I have friends who would call me up and say lets go out, I would give them the excuse of not being in the mood. But now, I will never say no. I always tried to avoid being with friends and their single guy friends, but now, why should I care. I know myself and I trust it. I would never do anything to jeopardise the love I have for HUBBY.

HUBBY told me to go and live my life but I needed someone else to tell me this, someone who would give me the facts right there in my face. HUBBY chose his priorities, and at times I really despised him for making me feel not even second best, but maybe third or fourth best. Its all in the mind. You are who you make yourself to be. I was always the one that gave advice to friends by telling them smile and the world will smile back at you, I aint really sure when have I stopped believing in this.

I looked at a picture of mine that was taken 7 years ago, and I couldnt believe how young and cheerful I looked. It shocked me and that was also one of the reasons that I have decided to stop moaning and worrying, and to get a life far away from this computer and far away from my thoughts about HUBBY. This time Im in control, and I will do it right. I have always been independent and always put a foot down and did things my way. Then HUBBY came along and I guess I wanted or actually needed someone to take care of me, to guide me. But HUBBY wanted to take care of his country before me. I dont despise him anymore, I think whats he doing is great and I am proud of him in every way. We still have a long long way to go and live our lives together.

So for everyone who wrote to me and gave me advice, I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really am grateful for all of you. Im not gonna stop writing, but I guess it will be less often than before. For now I have my life ahead of me. Although I havent reached 30 yet I really felt like I was going on to 90, even people in their nineties had more life in them than me, they looked forward to everyday, whereas I never wanted to wake up and face yet another miserable day without HUBBY. I am glad this era has gone out of the door.

I wanna thank my dearest brother, for shaking me and waking me up. There are people who would envy me for having so much time on my hands, and Im gonna use every second of it. And HUBBY I do love you. You told me to go on ahead and live my life but whenever you said that I thought you didnt care, you just wanted me to get off your back. But I realised you had my best interests at heart. But I will never forget the laughter of that COW, HUBBY and I hope that you wouldnt give people a chance to make fun of me again. And next time choose the people that suit your background and upbringing, not some old low life creatures....

One last note, I wanna say to everyone I'M ALIVE and Im gonna enjoy every second that God has given me. I pray to God everyday to keep HUBBY safe and when the right time comes he will be next to me in no time. There's a saying "If you love someone let them go, If they love you back they will come back to you" and HUBBY I know that you will come back to me, maybe not now but I know that one day you will.