neurotic Iraqi wife
June 20, 2006
Sandy Day in Baghdad...
A short video I took a few weeks before we left Baghdad...This was taken on one of the rooftops at my workplace... You can tell from the back noise, that it was kinda windy and I was getting blown away...Wish I had taken more videos...darn...I was infact talking to LTC Loud...Who infact was promoted end of last year to a Colonel...One of the nicest and sweetest Americans I have met during my stay in Baghdad...Oh and not to forget to mention that he is from where else but my favourate...The Air Force...
Eversince Col Loud worked with us, everyone and I mean everyone including me gained weight...It was inevitable with all the packages he seemd to receive on a daily basis filled with yummy goodies, especially chocolates!!! Im quite fussy when it comes to chocolates...It has to be pure and not mixed with peanut butter...eeeewwww...So everyday, LTC Loud would roar out my name in the middle of the office and order me to go and get my share...Lol...
He got along really with the Iraqis, infact you can tell by his amazing persona, that his interest was genuine...He always wanted to learn new Iraqi words, always wanted to taste the food...He always joked around with them and helped them out...Always...But LTC Loud, had his own brush with death...It was awful...Him and a few colleagues had to visit a place in Abu Graib area...Their convoy was shot at... No one was injured thankfully but from the pictures he showed us...Their car had bullet holes all over..Scary very scary...Ever since that incident, that roaring laughter disappeared...
I remember going to him and talking to him shortly afterwards...Asking him if he was doing ok, cuz he doesnt seem to be himself anymore...Without any hesitation or fear of being seen as weak, he told me that he's been going to the Dr and was given some medication to help him sleep...He even admitted that he feared sleeping cuz whenever he did, he would have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat...It was a tough time for him, especially when he was so far away from his wife that he loved so much and his kids who he adored... It took some time...a long long time for him to be able to flash that cute smile of his and laugh...But LTC Loud, was never ever the same again...
Anyhow, I hope you've enjoyed this short video, sorry about my annoying voice thou...This is the sights and sounds of a Sandy Day in Baghdad...
HUBBY just sent me an email from a former colleague of ours in Baghdad: This is an email from G:
How are you? where r u my Friend? I hope u r well.
well our situation is become very bad & difficult we don`t have the power city they cut the power off for 7hr & gave it back for us about 1-1.5hr a day even the fuel I spent 6hr in Q line to full my car or buy it from the black market cost me 1000ID for one liter
also the security situation is very bad even the security plan un-usefully plan
sorry to disturb you about these news ,any way the work is very boring 8 Of LN (Local Nationals, term given for Iraqis who work there)will leave the job ( fired )we don`t know how are they the company will continue till September 06 after that we don`t know what is going on.
At last best regard to you & you wife
Keep in touch Until we meet again
Oh and on another note as well, this may as well be the last post I will be able to write for days...HUBBY is arriving tomorrow night, and we will be sleeping in our first new home together!!! The furniture will all be arriving tomorrow, Im gonna be dead tired by the time he comes in..One thing though that really bothered me today is his tone of voice...He said "We shouldnt have gotten this place and we shouldnt have spent on furniture.."After all the work I have done..All the hours I spent with the workers.... all the energy in the scorching heat of the sun, I spent carrying stuff from my car to the darn place...My bones are aching...my back feels like its broken in half...All this and now he tells me wish it never happened...Im confused and pissed off...All the excitement I had just evaporated in one phonecall.....Man...this aint cool at all...And I didnt even spend much...I kept well below the budget even...Men can really be selfish at times...
A Midsummer's Night Dream...
I just finished reading the heart wrenching story of Haider on the MSNBC Blog...Yes phonecalls like these happen everyday...Every single day...Im glad that Richard Engel wrote about it...Haider is just one of hundreds that get kidnapped everyday in Iraq...Hundreds go missing...For one reason or another...But the end result is all to do with MONEY...MONEY, MONEY, MONEY...They dont care if youre rich or poor..They dont care if youre muslim or not...The satisfy their disgusting criminal demeaning appetite by grabbing people off the street, from their cars, from their homes, from their work...All for money...They claim they are muslims, but ISLAM knows none of them....They are the lowest of the low...Infact they aint even humans...
Apart from our colleague H that got kidnapped a year ago, there is also E's dad...A family who since 1991 lived in California....Come 2003, the whole family decided to move back to Iraq...E got a job in the Green Zone, and the father and wife with siblings moved to their old house in Saydiya...Bad move....very bad move...He disappeared one day, to never return...It has been 9 months now...She tried everything, she even asked a guy who has connections with the Sadr militia to help her out...You see kidnappers are divided in 2 groups...Al Dhari/Zarqawi group or Sadr Militia...These are the main 2....Then there are the other small ones...If a loved one is kidnapped first thing people do is get intouch with these 2 main groups and ask around...
In H's case, a frined of a friend of an aquaintence got through to Al Dhari people...They asked about his name and where he was taken from...When given the details of H, they simply said we will check around and come back to you...They checked and called the guy up telling him they dont have him...Ofcourse ransom money was already paid...Same with E's dad...Ransom money was paid, yet no Dad, no dad....dead or alive....and No H....I always think of them in my thoughts, and pray...pray for them and for all those who are missing...
I also managed to watch CNN's Insight with Jonathan Mann today(I dont usually watch TV, but had to sit with parents for I havent done so in awhile)...Am not sure if people elsewhere get the same programs aired, but this week's insight was about AEGIS, the security company used in Iraq...AEGIS were the company that we used when contractors/engineers needed to go to the Red Zone....Most of them are British or South African and there were others who were South American...They even stayed with us in the same compound...The ones Ive met were really nice...but god they were the loudest people ever when night time came...Some of them stayed in rooms facing ours...They would have barbeques and dinners with loud music and believe me they all would get drunk...
One lady, an American got really disgusted and complained about the noise...An email was circulated that no loud noise was permitted after 10pm....I was shocked, when we first moved to that compound...I asked HUBBY who these noisy people were..He said these are AEGIS guys...I said so???what does that mean???He replied they are the security company...They are the ones that take us out in convoys etc...That just freaked me out...I mean these people would get drunk then next morning they escort people into the red zone....They get drunk and next morning theyre supposed to protect those who they are escorting into the danger zone...Not only that but they have guns in their possession...I couldnt believe it that they were under no supervision...
That tells you quite alot...But truth should be told...I have ridden twice with them...Once to go to the commercial side of Baghdad airport and the other time was the last time out of the Green Zone...In both times, they were really vigilent, and they have certain manouvers they take while in the red zone...I never felt unsafe...So yes there are bad ones, who are simple hooligans, that just wanna shoot, and there are professional ones who know exactly what they are doing....And they do it right...
In my personal life, I learnt today my first lesson...Before buying a fridge, measure kitchen door!!! When the delivery guys came in to the flat, looked at the kitchen door, their supervisor asked me, have you measured the door??? I looked at him blankly....Huh??? What kitchen door??? I measured the kitchen's area but umm, it never occured to me that I had to measure the door inorder to see if fridge can fit through it....Darn I felt so stupid....I mean really stupid...He rolled his eyes probably thinkin what an idiot...Yes he is right....Needless to say the door of the kitchen had to come out, as well as the fridge's doors so it can fit inside...Thankfully the fridge is right now resting where it should be with its doors back intact...Will have to test the ice function tomorrow...Yaaaay, Im gonna use it before HUBBY does....Umm sorry HUBBY.....
Im extremely exhausted and tired for today was one helluva day...six workers all in one time....figuring fridge, figuring washer....Thank God for my brother...WIthout him I woulda been clueless...I better go and catch up with sleep...Having my first home is turning out to be quite a challenge...But nevertheless, an experience Im learning quite alot from...I dunno why but maybe the effect of all those Mills & Boons or Harlequin stories I used to read when a teenager made things like these seem ever so romantic...Cant see any romance at this particular moment...Oh well...sigh...I better go and sleep ...Close my eyes and dream...A Midsummer's Night Dream....
***On a side note...Does anyone know the html for uploading video on the blog???Seth mentioned google video, but I dont wanna put it there I wanna be able to show it on my blog using HTML....
Apart from our colleague H that got kidnapped a year ago, there is also E's dad...A family who since 1991 lived in California....Come 2003, the whole family decided to move back to Iraq...E got a job in the Green Zone, and the father and wife with siblings moved to their old house in Saydiya...Bad move....very bad move...He disappeared one day, to never return...It has been 9 months now...She tried everything, she even asked a guy who has connections with the Sadr militia to help her out...You see kidnappers are divided in 2 groups...Al Dhari/Zarqawi group or Sadr Militia...These are the main 2....Then there are the other small ones...If a loved one is kidnapped first thing people do is get intouch with these 2 main groups and ask around...
In H's case, a frined of a friend of an aquaintence got through to Al Dhari people...They asked about his name and where he was taken from...When given the details of H, they simply said we will check around and come back to you...They checked and called the guy up telling him they dont have him...Ofcourse ransom money was already paid...Same with E's dad...Ransom money was paid, yet no Dad, no dad....dead or alive....and No H....I always think of them in my thoughts, and pray...pray for them and for all those who are missing...
I also managed to watch CNN's Insight with Jonathan Mann today(I dont usually watch TV, but had to sit with parents for I havent done so in awhile)...Am not sure if people elsewhere get the same programs aired, but this week's insight was about AEGIS, the security company used in Iraq...AEGIS were the company that we used when contractors/engineers needed to go to the Red Zone....Most of them are British or South African and there were others who were South American...They even stayed with us in the same compound...The ones Ive met were really nice...but god they were the loudest people ever when night time came...Some of them stayed in rooms facing ours...They would have barbeques and dinners with loud music and believe me they all would get drunk...
One lady, an American got really disgusted and complained about the noise...An email was circulated that no loud noise was permitted after 10pm....I was shocked, when we first moved to that compound...I asked HUBBY who these noisy people were..He said these are AEGIS guys...I said so???what does that mean???He replied they are the security company...They are the ones that take us out in convoys etc...That just freaked me out...I mean these people would get drunk then next morning they escort people into the red zone....They get drunk and next morning theyre supposed to protect those who they are escorting into the danger zone...Not only that but they have guns in their possession...I couldnt believe it that they were under no supervision...
That tells you quite alot...But truth should be told...I have ridden twice with them...Once to go to the commercial side of Baghdad airport and the other time was the last time out of the Green Zone...In both times, they were really vigilent, and they have certain manouvers they take while in the red zone...I never felt unsafe...So yes there are bad ones, who are simple hooligans, that just wanna shoot, and there are professional ones who know exactly what they are doing....And they do it right...
In my personal life, I learnt today my first lesson...Before buying a fridge, measure kitchen door!!! When the delivery guys came in to the flat, looked at the kitchen door, their supervisor asked me, have you measured the door??? I looked at him blankly....Huh??? What kitchen door??? I measured the kitchen's area but umm, it never occured to me that I had to measure the door inorder to see if fridge can fit through it....Darn I felt so stupid....I mean really stupid...He rolled his eyes probably thinkin what an idiot...Yes he is right....Needless to say the door of the kitchen had to come out, as well as the fridge's doors so it can fit inside...Thankfully the fridge is right now resting where it should be with its doors back intact...Will have to test the ice function tomorrow...Yaaaay, Im gonna use it before HUBBY does....Umm sorry HUBBY.....
Im extremely exhausted and tired for today was one helluva day...six workers all in one time....figuring fridge, figuring washer....Thank God for my brother...WIthout him I woulda been clueless...I better go and catch up with sleep...Having my first home is turning out to be quite a challenge...But nevertheless, an experience Im learning quite alot from...I dunno why but maybe the effect of all those Mills & Boons or Harlequin stories I used to read when a teenager made things like these seem ever so romantic...Cant see any romance at this particular moment...Oh well...sigh...I better go and sleep ...Close my eyes and dream...A Midsummer's Night Dream....
***On a side note...Does anyone know the html for uploading video on the blog???Seth mentioned google video, but I dont wanna put it there I wanna be able to show it on my blog using HTML....
June 19, 2006
A Little Prayer for The Iraqi People...
I woke up today only to find that there was no water in the bathroom...I shook my head, trying to shake away the deja vu kinda feeling....I turned both the hot and cold taps...A few drops struggling to come out...Darn I thought to myself...I cant not wash my face, nor my teeth...So instead, I walked to kitchen, picked a bottle of drinking water and used it as my cleaning source....
That actually got me thinking....If this had happened to me 2 years ago, I woulda flipped...Literally flipped...How dare they carry out maintenance work without informing us...How dare they not tell us...I probably woulda planned something in advance, or trained my mind psychologically that water isnt available....But change is inevitable...I was in Baghdad...I know what it feels like when you wake up to no water...Infact although I was staying in the Green Zone I remember very clearly when Al Karkh water plant was bombed or destroyed...I think if my memory serves me right it was sometime in late June or early July of last year....I have to check out the archives....
They sent out an email telling us to use water only in emergency...Then they sent us another email with a timetable...Between 6am and 8am water will be available and then later from 6pm to I think it was 8pm...I used to scurry back to my room intime for that shower...That only lasted a week...At first I was really disgruntled but then you get used to it...That incident was probably repeated one more time and afterwards they made sure we had enough supplies of water...But imagine those Iraqis that live outside...Imagine what they go through everyday...Its part of their daily life, their daily struggle...
I remember very clearly this lady, an Iraqi...She looked in her late forties...I always used to wander about the state of her hair...It was extremely frizzy and wet all the time... She approached me once while I was scanning a document, and started chitchatting...I wasnt really in the mood, I was having a lousy morning...She kept talking about how she first thought I was an American, and that she was shocked to find out Im an Iraqi...Then she started asking questions about where I lived and since when I left Iraq etc....I dont usually give details, or go into specifics with people I dont know...I knew better than to trust just anyone, especially in that environment...So I kept giving her short answers with some hmm's and nods instead of saying yes...At the end, I guess she got the point... apologized for being so nosy and left...I felt kinda bad, but I wasnt ready to make new aquaintences...
A few weeks later as I went inside the ladies, I was shocked to see a woman with her head placed right under the tap...She was washing her hair, right there and then...As I stood there waiting for one of the cubicles to be free, the woman raised her head...It was her... She looked at me in the mirror and said "Im so sorry dear, but we had no water in the house, and I really needed to wash my hair" A pang of guilt just washed over me...I mean I just didnt know what to say...Infact I felt so little by acting the way I acted with her previously...I gave her the biggest smile ever and told her not to worry about it...Ever since then, whenever she would come and ask me something like "what do you use on your face" or "what is the colour you have on your hair" I always gladly answered her, and never got annoyed by her questions again...
I realised that Iraqis are hungry, hungry for knowledge...hungry for new things...new styles...new places...They go through tough times...bad times...They dont wanna be stuck in that lifeless environment...instead they wanna check out new avenues...learn more...more about the world...As Im writing this I remembered another incident...a funny one this time... HUBBY befriended some of the guys that are responsible for keeping the place clean at our compound...He used to sit with them...eat with them...smoke with them...and have converstaions with them...One conversation was with Abu K...It was apparantely way before the time I joined HUBBY...
Abu K used to work in Al Rasheed hotel, during Saddam's time...He was one of the housekeepers...One day, Abu K asked HUBBY, can you show me the map of the world please...So HUBBY made a print out and gave it to him...Abu K then said wain amreeka??? (where is America???) HUBBY pointed at the US....Abu K then asked wain Il 3iraq???(Where is Iraq) HUBBY pointed at Iraq....Abu K looked startled...Asked again you sure this is Amreeka???Yes HUBBY assured him....He then said in Iraqi "lak khara ib 3ardha il Saddam...laish howa mashayif il kharita oo mashaf Amreeka ishkuburha wil 3iraq ishzughurha oo hem dikhal harub wiyahum???Lak 9udug Zmal..."Which translates into...(dont really know how to transalte the first part), Hasnt Saddam seen the world map before???Didnt he know the size of America compared to the size of Iraq before he went into this war???He really is a stupid dumb head...."Its people like these...The simple people....the naive ones that you tend to get close to...Their innocence, their plight to live.... their plight to learn....
So yes, people change when they live in harsh circumstances...I cant say that my one year in Iraq was harsh, not at all....But you learn to appreciate the little things you have...or dont have...The things we take for granted in our daily lives and never think about...The things Iraqis struggle for...So do me a favour, before you take a shower or wash your face, before you switch that AC on or off, before you turn the lights off or on....say a little prayer...A little prayer in whatever faith you follow....A little prayer in your own special way.... a little prayer....A Little Prayer for the Iraqi People...
That actually got me thinking....If this had happened to me 2 years ago, I woulda flipped...Literally flipped...How dare they carry out maintenance work without informing us...How dare they not tell us...I probably woulda planned something in advance, or trained my mind psychologically that water isnt available....But change is inevitable...I was in Baghdad...I know what it feels like when you wake up to no water...Infact although I was staying in the Green Zone I remember very clearly when Al Karkh water plant was bombed or destroyed...I think if my memory serves me right it was sometime in late June or early July of last year....I have to check out the archives....
They sent out an email telling us to use water only in emergency...Then they sent us another email with a timetable...Between 6am and 8am water will be available and then later from 6pm to I think it was 8pm...I used to scurry back to my room intime for that shower...That only lasted a week...At first I was really disgruntled but then you get used to it...That incident was probably repeated one more time and afterwards they made sure we had enough supplies of water...But imagine those Iraqis that live outside...Imagine what they go through everyday...Its part of their daily life, their daily struggle...
I remember very clearly this lady, an Iraqi...She looked in her late forties...I always used to wander about the state of her hair...It was extremely frizzy and wet all the time... She approached me once while I was scanning a document, and started chitchatting...I wasnt really in the mood, I was having a lousy morning...She kept talking about how she first thought I was an American, and that she was shocked to find out Im an Iraqi...Then she started asking questions about where I lived and since when I left Iraq etc....I dont usually give details, or go into specifics with people I dont know...I knew better than to trust just anyone, especially in that environment...So I kept giving her short answers with some hmm's and nods instead of saying yes...At the end, I guess she got the point... apologized for being so nosy and left...I felt kinda bad, but I wasnt ready to make new aquaintences...
A few weeks later as I went inside the ladies, I was shocked to see a woman with her head placed right under the tap...She was washing her hair, right there and then...As I stood there waiting for one of the cubicles to be free, the woman raised her head...It was her... She looked at me in the mirror and said "Im so sorry dear, but we had no water in the house, and I really needed to wash my hair" A pang of guilt just washed over me...I mean I just didnt know what to say...Infact I felt so little by acting the way I acted with her previously...I gave her the biggest smile ever and told her not to worry about it...Ever since then, whenever she would come and ask me something like "what do you use on your face" or "what is the colour you have on your hair" I always gladly answered her, and never got annoyed by her questions again...
I realised that Iraqis are hungry, hungry for knowledge...hungry for new things...new styles...new places...They go through tough times...bad times...They dont wanna be stuck in that lifeless environment...instead they wanna check out new avenues...learn more...more about the world...As Im writing this I remembered another incident...a funny one this time... HUBBY befriended some of the guys that are responsible for keeping the place clean at our compound...He used to sit with them...eat with them...smoke with them...and have converstaions with them...One conversation was with Abu K...It was apparantely way before the time I joined HUBBY...
Abu K used to work in Al Rasheed hotel, during Saddam's time...He was one of the housekeepers...One day, Abu K asked HUBBY, can you show me the map of the world please...So HUBBY made a print out and gave it to him...Abu K then said wain amreeka??? (where is America???) HUBBY pointed at the US....Abu K then asked wain Il 3iraq???(Where is Iraq) HUBBY pointed at Iraq....Abu K looked startled...Asked again you sure this is Amreeka???Yes HUBBY assured him....He then said in Iraqi "lak khara ib 3ardha il Saddam...laish howa mashayif il kharita oo mashaf Amreeka ishkuburha wil 3iraq ishzughurha oo hem dikhal harub wiyahum???Lak 9udug Zmal..."Which translates into...(dont really know how to transalte the first part), Hasnt Saddam seen the world map before???Didnt he know the size of America compared to the size of Iraq before he went into this war???He really is a stupid dumb head...."Its people like these...The simple people....the naive ones that you tend to get close to...Their innocence, their plight to live.... their plight to learn....
So yes, people change when they live in harsh circumstances...I cant say that my one year in Iraq was harsh, not at all....But you learn to appreciate the little things you have...or dont have...The things we take for granted in our daily lives and never think about...The things Iraqis struggle for...So do me a favour, before you take a shower or wash your face, before you switch that AC on or off, before you turn the lights off or on....say a little prayer...A little prayer in whatever faith you follow....A little prayer in your own special way.... a little prayer....A Little Prayer for the Iraqi People...
June 18, 2006
Any Ideas???
Oh and one more thing...Ive been thinking...I really wanna let everything out about my experience in Baghdad, especially the people, the reconstruction efforts...the way of life in the Green Zone...Any ideas apart from the blog??? I mean are there conferences related to such stuff anywhere??? I will travel and lodge on my own expense...And no I dont wanna make money out of it...I just wanna talk about the whole experience...Let it all out...Just like Therapy...Any ideas???
June 17, 2006
Begining of Chapter Three....
Well, Saturday is here, and surprise surprise the guy who is supposed to give us the answer on the flat said by Monday he will find out!!! MONDAY...I cannot fathom why people cant simply just say NO, the flat is not available!!! I cannot fathom, why even in Kuwait when we were asking for bloody directions, they would give us some bogus instructions then tell us to ask someone there...I mean Hellooooooo...N......O......A 2 letter word that wont take much energy for the brain to exert.... This is exactly why the Middle East is so backwards...Because all we try and do is please people by saying what they wanna hear!!! Double standards all along....
I did become furious mind you, but you will be proud to know that I contained this fury pretty well, and decided to go with what we have already....The green bathtub, pink toilet and white basin flat....I aint gonna waste time no more...But before going ahead, I decided to call HUBBY and tell him of the news....It was 7am his time....Hmm..too early, but what the heck he needs to wake up and share with me some ideas....The phone rang and I waited until a sleepy HUBBY answered...
HUBBY: Hello (with his croaky sleepy voice)
ME: Hey, listen the flat I liked didnt work out...I need you to concentrate with me...shall I go with what we have already???(I totally surpassed the formalities of hello honey, how are you, I simply do not have the time)
HUBBY: Huh...what time is it???
ME: HUBBY WAKE UP, CONCENTRATE OK...its 7 am, about time you wake up anyways...
HUBBY: Youre kidding me right??? You woke me up to ask me whether we should go for the flat....
ME: Yup...it has to be BOTH of our decisions, so you wont blame me when you come here and see the place...
HUBBY: Which flat you talkin about??? The blue one or the new one???
ME: UGHHHHH...WAKE UP PLEASE...CONCENTRATE....The new one DID NOT work out...I repeat, DID NOT work out...Do you wanna wait until you come here, see the old one then make a decision or shall I just go ahead and furnish it???
HUBBY: Its 7 am, you tell me...Hmm, do what you think is right...I need to go back to sleep..
(I hate it when he says that, and when I do take the decision, he will tell me its my fault)
ME: NO,I WONT...Its time you help me out here...I cannot make the decisions anymore...Ive been stressed out ever since I came here...I havent eaten anything until yesterday and I do not want to take a rash decision...You are gonna live in that place too you know...
HUBBY: (Yawning like for the 10th time in a matter of 2 minutes)Hmm, ok, let me ask you this....Will the fridge with icemaker fit???
ME: OMG....is that all you care about???
HUBBY: YUP, fridge and bed...what more do we want!!! (saying it as a matter of factly)
By that time I was literally pulling at my hair...
HUBBY: Heloooooo, you there??? So will the fridge fit???
ME: Ok HUBBY this is a useless conversation...There is no point for us to discuss any further...
HUBBY: (not even feeling a slight guilt)...Ok darling, just do what you think is right (yawn)...I better go back to sleep (yawn)... And I want the best fridge with icemaker (yawn)...Talk to you later honey...
ME: (by now, my fists are clenched so tight that I can see the veins ready to pop out)...You know what...ALL MEN ARE THE SAME....SELFISH BASTARDS....THEY ONLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES AND NO ONE ELSE....(there i said it...)
HUBBY: (Laughing hysterically at my outburst) Oh cmon, you dont mean that honey, I know you are stressed out...Ok listen...Go buy the fridge...get the furniture, and believe me, for now, anything is good after the digs we lived in, in the Green Zone... Just relax and enjoy yourself...
ME: Ok if thats what you are saying, fine...I will go ahead, ok???
HUBBY: Go with what??? buying the fridge???
ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, taking that darn depressing claustrophobic blue hole in the wall....
HUBBY: Ok, if thats what makes you happy go for it....
GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR..........I had had it by then...whatever...who cares...A hole in the wall...Yeah I guess anything is better than what we had in Baghdad...
I just came back and am knackered...I bought all the necessary stuff...THE ICEMAKING FRIDGE AND THE BED.....The salesmen were so helpful I was shocked...I dunno if they felt sorry for me cuz I looked confused and out of it or they were just doing their job... One guy even chose the sofas with me...Was giving me his opinion on the bed...and tried out the matress too...lol...The oddest thing that happened was I was confused between 2 beds...Both looked nice, but one was more expensive than the other...The salesman said you know miss, youre just gonna sleep in it...Why dont you take the cheaper one...He continued..they are both solid wood...both same size...both excellent quality...Its upto you, but I believe you should go for this one...Hmm...I immediately said, why??? is there something wrong with the cheaper one??? and youre trying to sell it to me???He laughed...answered very shyly..at the end of the day its your choice...but why spend more when you can get same thing, Im only trying to be practical...That impressed me alot...So needless to say I went for it...We infact looked ridiculous checking out the softness of mattress...sitting on it and jumping...
As for the utilities guy...he too was pretty helpful...They kept asking me where I was from...At first I would speak english with them...just a habbit...But then switch to arabic and they get shocked for some reason...Then they try to guess my nationality...They would mention every arab country except Iraq...When I say Iraqi, their eyes bulge out...Wow, they said...would never have guessed...Then they would talk about situation and how bad it is...I just nod and continue with my order...Dont really wanna divulge in a political discussion when I know what they think...Almost all Arabs are against the coalition forces....And to be honest I didnt have he energy to argue or explain to them...I, many times went into such discussions, and all I used to get once I say Im Iraqi is "Saddam was a good leader..." or "Its a shame your country is occupied"... or "This is all part of an Israeli plan..."....And many times I would argue each and every point but wouldnt really get anywhere....A waste of breath and energy...
Im feeling pretty relieved at the moment...Will probably change tomorrow...But for now, Im happy that for the first time ever, HUBBY and I will have a real place together...We dont own the property...we are just renting it out...But this is the beginning of chapter 3...Chapter 1 was spent apart...Him in Iraq, me in la la land worrying my ass off...Chapter 2, was spent together in a small room barely enough for one person in the Green Zone or International Zone...Chapter 3 is an ok place...with the exception of the pink toilet....green bathtub and white basin...oh and ofcourse the kitchen that can either fit me or the fridge...But this time it aint the Green Zone...It aint Iraq...Its a place where people enjoy freedom...enjoy life...Although as much as I try to avoid it...I can see the scenario....HUBBY and I are gonna end up going back....Back to Baghdad...
For now this is the beginning...Beginning of Chapter Three...
I did become furious mind you, but you will be proud to know that I contained this fury pretty well, and decided to go with what we have already....The green bathtub, pink toilet and white basin flat....I aint gonna waste time no more...But before going ahead, I decided to call HUBBY and tell him of the news....It was 7am his time....Hmm..too early, but what the heck he needs to wake up and share with me some ideas....The phone rang and I waited until a sleepy HUBBY answered...
HUBBY: Hello (with his croaky sleepy voice)
ME: Hey, listen the flat I liked didnt work out...I need you to concentrate with me...shall I go with what we have already???(I totally surpassed the formalities of hello honey, how are you, I simply do not have the time)
HUBBY: Huh...what time is it???
ME: HUBBY WAKE UP, CONCENTRATE OK...its 7 am, about time you wake up anyways...
HUBBY: Youre kidding me right??? You woke me up to ask me whether we should go for the flat....
ME: Yup...it has to be BOTH of our decisions, so you wont blame me when you come here and see the place...
HUBBY: Which flat you talkin about??? The blue one or the new one???
ME: UGHHHHH...WAKE UP PLEASE...CONCENTRATE....The new one DID NOT work out...I repeat, DID NOT work out...Do you wanna wait until you come here, see the old one then make a decision or shall I just go ahead and furnish it???
HUBBY: Its 7 am, you tell me...Hmm, do what you think is right...I need to go back to sleep..
(I hate it when he says that, and when I do take the decision, he will tell me its my fault)
ME: NO,I WONT...Its time you help me out here...I cannot make the decisions anymore...Ive been stressed out ever since I came here...I havent eaten anything until yesterday and I do not want to take a rash decision...You are gonna live in that place too you know...
HUBBY: (Yawning like for the 10th time in a matter of 2 minutes)Hmm, ok, let me ask you this....Will the fridge with icemaker fit???
ME: OMG....is that all you care about???
HUBBY: YUP, fridge and bed...what more do we want!!! (saying it as a matter of factly)
By that time I was literally pulling at my hair...
HUBBY: Heloooooo, you there??? So will the fridge fit???
ME: Ok HUBBY this is a useless conversation...There is no point for us to discuss any further...
HUBBY: (not even feeling a slight guilt)...Ok darling, just do what you think is right (yawn)...I better go back to sleep (yawn)... And I want the best fridge with icemaker (yawn)...Talk to you later honey...
ME: (by now, my fists are clenched so tight that I can see the veins ready to pop out)...You know what...ALL MEN ARE THE SAME....SELFISH BASTARDS....THEY ONLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES AND NO ONE ELSE....(there i said it...)
HUBBY: (Laughing hysterically at my outburst) Oh cmon, you dont mean that honey, I know you are stressed out...Ok listen...Go buy the fridge...get the furniture, and believe me, for now, anything is good after the digs we lived in, in the Green Zone... Just relax and enjoy yourself...
ME: Ok if thats what you are saying, fine...I will go ahead, ok???
HUBBY: Go with what??? buying the fridge???
ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, taking that darn depressing claustrophobic blue hole in the wall....
HUBBY: Ok, if thats what makes you happy go for it....
GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR..........I had had it by then...whatever...who cares...A hole in the wall...Yeah I guess anything is better than what we had in Baghdad...
I just came back and am knackered...I bought all the necessary stuff...THE ICEMAKING FRIDGE AND THE BED.....The salesmen were so helpful I was shocked...I dunno if they felt sorry for me cuz I looked confused and out of it or they were just doing their job... One guy even chose the sofas with me...Was giving me his opinion on the bed...and tried out the matress too...lol...The oddest thing that happened was I was confused between 2 beds...Both looked nice, but one was more expensive than the other...The salesman said you know miss, youre just gonna sleep in it...Why dont you take the cheaper one...He continued..they are both solid wood...both same size...both excellent quality...Its upto you, but I believe you should go for this one...Hmm...I immediately said, why??? is there something wrong with the cheaper one??? and youre trying to sell it to me???He laughed...answered very shyly..at the end of the day its your choice...but why spend more when you can get same thing, Im only trying to be practical...That impressed me alot...So needless to say I went for it...We infact looked ridiculous checking out the softness of mattress...sitting on it and jumping...
As for the utilities guy...he too was pretty helpful...They kept asking me where I was from...At first I would speak english with them...just a habbit...But then switch to arabic and they get shocked for some reason...Then they try to guess my nationality...They would mention every arab country except Iraq...When I say Iraqi, their eyes bulge out...Wow, they said...would never have guessed...Then they would talk about situation and how bad it is...I just nod and continue with my order...Dont really wanna divulge in a political discussion when I know what they think...Almost all Arabs are against the coalition forces....And to be honest I didnt have he energy to argue or explain to them...I, many times went into such discussions, and all I used to get once I say Im Iraqi is "Saddam was a good leader..." or "Its a shame your country is occupied"... or "This is all part of an Israeli plan..."....And many times I would argue each and every point but wouldnt really get anywhere....A waste of breath and energy...
Im feeling pretty relieved at the moment...Will probably change tomorrow...But for now, Im happy that for the first time ever, HUBBY and I will have a real place together...We dont own the property...we are just renting it out...But this is the beginning of chapter 3...Chapter 1 was spent apart...Him in Iraq, me in la la land worrying my ass off...Chapter 2, was spent together in a small room barely enough for one person in the Green Zone or International Zone...Chapter 3 is an ok place...with the exception of the pink toilet....green bathtub and white basin...oh and ofcourse the kitchen that can either fit me or the fridge...But this time it aint the Green Zone...It aint Iraq...Its a place where people enjoy freedom...enjoy life...Although as much as I try to avoid it...I can see the scenario....HUBBY and I are gonna end up going back....Back to Baghdad...
For now this is the beginning...Beginning of Chapter Three...
June 16, 2006
Rays of Yet Another Day...
PTSD....Since Ive been getting emails and comments that I might have PTSD, I was curious to find out if I did...Did a google search and this is what I got:
1- re-experiencing the trauma: flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive memories and exaggerated emotional and physical reactions to triggers that remind the person of the trauma. The only time I can say was traumatic for me was when H got kidnapped, but that was a year ago...
2- emotional numbing: feeling detached, lack of emotions (especially positive ones), loss of interest in activities. Hmm feeling detached??? maybe...Lack of emotions, doubt it, Im extremely emotional...Loss of interest in activities, yup for sure, but thats just a phase...
3- avoidance: avoiding activities, people, or places that remind the person of the trauma. Well I aint in Baghdad to avoid places or people that remind me...Infact all I do think about are the memories of Baghdad....
4- increased arousal: difficulty sleeping and concentrating, irritability, hypervigilance (being on guard), and exaggerated startle response. Difficulty sleeping, yes most definitely but thats because my mind is thinking 24 hours a day...Concentrating...Hmm, I aint doing anything that requires concentration, so thats a no..Irritability, oh yessssss, I think my mom will vouch for that...Hypervigilance, nope....Startled response, nothing to be startled about, no mortars or rockets, even then I never was startled....
Conclusion, I aint suffering from PTSD...So rest assured cuz I also did a google search on depression
Symptoms:
Feeling sad or blue: Definitely
Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities: YES
Significant weight loss or weight gain: Hmm, lemme go weigh myself...well, first day I arrived here, I was 44 Kgs(10 days ago)...Now Im 43...That aint significant
Inability to sleep or excessive sleeping: Definitely
Agitation or irritability: YES YES YES
Fatigue or loss of energy: No energy what so ever....
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt: Hmm, I dont feel worthless... guilt, yes, but not extreme...
Thoughts of death or suicide: DEFINITELY NOT!!!
Conclusion: Minor bout of depression...
Besides I did go out today...Yes finally I saw the light...No, not the light of wisdom but the sun light...A few friends of mine from last year's election days, called me up and asked to get together...I havent seen them for quite some time now, so I decided to give it a go and join them for a coffee...After I showered, I decided to once again take a look at myself in the mirror...Maybe by some magical power, I developed cheeks, darn bags disappeared and those nasty crow wrinkles diminished in less than 24 hours...Umm, Fat chance...The mirror laughed back...But who cares...I aint gonna fret about it...As for my clothes, I automatically put on my worn out jeans, and yes you guessed it...my white tshirt(dont worry I have like 7 white tshirts that look exactly the same), and my infamous pink sneakers....Grabbed my make up bag, bronzer...check..blusher..check...lipstick...check..lipgloss...check....and hey presto I was ready to go...
As I was heading out, my parents stood there looking at me with utter shock....I smiled and said, hello...Bye....Dad asked where I was going...I answered very briefly, meeting my friends...Mom looked exuberant, probably thinkin that her daughter has managed to get half her brain back...And into the lift I disappeared...
I have to admit, It felt awkward at first seeing the bright light of the sun..I stood for a few seconds infront of the building attempting to inhale some of the fresh air...The minute I took that long breath I broke out with a fit of coughing...I coughed until I thought my lungs were gonna jump out...It totally skipped my mind the vast humadity that infested me...My shades fogged up in a matter of seconds and I felt my hair sticking to my forehead..Oh well...Made my way towards the car..I wouldnt have recognized if it wasnt for its odd orange colour...Umm yeah, its orange...its not really my car, its my dad's office car that no one really uses...The dust it accumulated in the past 5 days is just unbelievable...But who cares...As long as I can see the road...
In 5 minutes I was in the cafe, saying my hello's to my friends...S said OMG, you lost so much weight...Look at you...I just rolled my eyes up and said please dont start...H said I looked the same which was a relief...We sat down and chatted like no tomorrow...It was fun and Im glad I went...It was only towarsd the end that I was asked about Baghdad...And thats what I liked about this outing...The whole time we were talking about different stuff...events and news...Gossip and people...I felt normal...And my laughter filled the air....it Felt really good to laugh...Pandora's box did open, but this time it was opened very slightly...and with care...
I cant wait for tomorrow to come...Saturday is the day when the guy will give us the answer about the flat I liked...I think Ive pretty calmed down now...In the phase of "whatever happens, happens for the best" The mantra I use when all else fails...I havent watched the news for 2 or 3 days now...But I did read on yahoo news that a Shia mosque has been targetted today...Many were killed and many more were injured...The daily saga in Iraq...The never ending Saga in Iraq...Operation forward or Operation backward wont make that much a difference...Although it is just the beginning and probably we should give them time...Maybe just maybe those terrorist cells will be erased from the face of the earth, just like Zarqawi's destiny...But I rather have that happen sooner than later....Without any more innocent people dying....Ok I better shut up before I become emotional...
For now, Im just gonna wait for tomorrow....Tomorrow's Sun Shine...The rays that I so much miss...The Rays of Yet Another Day...
1- re-experiencing the trauma: flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive memories and exaggerated emotional and physical reactions to triggers that remind the person of the trauma. The only time I can say was traumatic for me was when H got kidnapped, but that was a year ago...
2- emotional numbing: feeling detached, lack of emotions (especially positive ones), loss of interest in activities. Hmm feeling detached??? maybe...Lack of emotions, doubt it, Im extremely emotional...Loss of interest in activities, yup for sure, but thats just a phase...
3- avoidance: avoiding activities, people, or places that remind the person of the trauma. Well I aint in Baghdad to avoid places or people that remind me...Infact all I do think about are the memories of Baghdad....
4- increased arousal: difficulty sleeping and concentrating, irritability, hypervigilance (being on guard), and exaggerated startle response. Difficulty sleeping, yes most definitely but thats because my mind is thinking 24 hours a day...Concentrating...Hmm, I aint doing anything that requires concentration, so thats a no..Irritability, oh yessssss, I think my mom will vouch for that...Hypervigilance, nope....Startled response, nothing to be startled about, no mortars or rockets, even then I never was startled....
Conclusion, I aint suffering from PTSD...So rest assured cuz I also did a google search on depression
Symptoms:
Feeling sad or blue: Definitely
Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities: YES
Significant weight loss or weight gain: Hmm, lemme go weigh myself...well, first day I arrived here, I was 44 Kgs(10 days ago)...Now Im 43...That aint significant
Inability to sleep or excessive sleeping: Definitely
Agitation or irritability: YES YES YES
Fatigue or loss of energy: No energy what so ever....
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt: Hmm, I dont feel worthless... guilt, yes, but not extreme...
Thoughts of death or suicide: DEFINITELY NOT!!!
Conclusion: Minor bout of depression...
Besides I did go out today...Yes finally I saw the light...No, not the light of wisdom but the sun light...A few friends of mine from last year's election days, called me up and asked to get together...I havent seen them for quite some time now, so I decided to give it a go and join them for a coffee...After I showered, I decided to once again take a look at myself in the mirror...Maybe by some magical power, I developed cheeks, darn bags disappeared and those nasty crow wrinkles diminished in less than 24 hours...Umm, Fat chance...The mirror laughed back...But who cares...I aint gonna fret about it...As for my clothes, I automatically put on my worn out jeans, and yes you guessed it...my white tshirt(dont worry I have like 7 white tshirts that look exactly the same), and my infamous pink sneakers....Grabbed my make up bag, bronzer...check..blusher..check...lipstick...check..lipgloss...check....and hey presto I was ready to go...
As I was heading out, my parents stood there looking at me with utter shock....I smiled and said, hello...Bye....Dad asked where I was going...I answered very briefly, meeting my friends...Mom looked exuberant, probably thinkin that her daughter has managed to get half her brain back...And into the lift I disappeared...
I have to admit, It felt awkward at first seeing the bright light of the sun..I stood for a few seconds infront of the building attempting to inhale some of the fresh air...The minute I took that long breath I broke out with a fit of coughing...I coughed until I thought my lungs were gonna jump out...It totally skipped my mind the vast humadity that infested me...My shades fogged up in a matter of seconds and I felt my hair sticking to my forehead..Oh well...Made my way towards the car..I wouldnt have recognized if it wasnt for its odd orange colour...Umm yeah, its orange...its not really my car, its my dad's office car that no one really uses...The dust it accumulated in the past 5 days is just unbelievable...But who cares...As long as I can see the road...
In 5 minutes I was in the cafe, saying my hello's to my friends...S said OMG, you lost so much weight...Look at you...I just rolled my eyes up and said please dont start...H said I looked the same which was a relief...We sat down and chatted like no tomorrow...It was fun and Im glad I went...It was only towarsd the end that I was asked about Baghdad...And thats what I liked about this outing...The whole time we were talking about different stuff...events and news...Gossip and people...I felt normal...And my laughter filled the air....it Felt really good to laugh...Pandora's box did open, but this time it was opened very slightly...and with care...
I cant wait for tomorrow to come...Saturday is the day when the guy will give us the answer about the flat I liked...I think Ive pretty calmed down now...In the phase of "whatever happens, happens for the best" The mantra I use when all else fails...I havent watched the news for 2 or 3 days now...But I did read on yahoo news that a Shia mosque has been targetted today...Many were killed and many more were injured...The daily saga in Iraq...The never ending Saga in Iraq...Operation forward or Operation backward wont make that much a difference...Although it is just the beginning and probably we should give them time...Maybe just maybe those terrorist cells will be erased from the face of the earth, just like Zarqawi's destiny...But I rather have that happen sooner than later....Without any more innocent people dying....Ok I better shut up before I become emotional...
For now, Im just gonna wait for tomorrow....Tomorrow's Sun Shine...The rays that I so much miss...The Rays of Yet Another Day...
June 15, 2006
Away into La La Land...
Yesterday for the third time in a row, I refused to go out, and stayed yet again in the vicinity of my room...Infact I was just furious with the man who is supposed to tell us about the other flat...Instead of him saying "tomorrow" I will find out, he now said by Saturday I will know...That just freaked me out and made me lose my temper big time... I charged back to my room and slammed its door.... I think I used to do that when I was 10, but now??? A women in her early thirties crying and slamming doors??? OMG, what have I become into....
It doesnt stop there, I immediately called HUBBY, who thankfully was done shopping for suits...I just exploded in his face, crying my eyes out... As if it is the end of the world....With his calmness, and his words, my erratic crying turned into slight whimpers... He then tried to ask if there was something else bothering me apart from the flat... I couldnt tell him...No way!!! How can I tell him that I miss Baghdad...How can I tell him that I miss my work... I mean I was the one who kept nagging him to leave....Convincing him of a better life.... Little did I know...But HUBBY knows me better, he said in an ever slight sarcastic tone "Do you wanna go back???" Uhoh I thought to myself, and immediately answered "Are you kidding me???, theres no way I wanna go back to that hell hole" Hmmm, what else could I have said....
After hanging up, I made my way back to the TV room, were my parents were sitting....As I came near the door, I overheard them talking about me...I dont usually eavesdrop but when my name came up I was curious to hear the conversation...I tiptoed, and stuck my head as close as I can to the wall...
Mom: Your daughter has become erratic, losing her temper on the slightest thing...
Dad: She is just under pressure in trying to get everything done before her husband comes here
Mom: What can we do to help her??? She is not going out, she is not eating...
Dad: I guess she needs some time...
Then I banged my head when I heard footsteps coming near...I ran tiptoing back to my room, and sat on my bed acting as if Im reading my book....My dad started calling my name with his roaring voice(he has one of those distinct voices, that if you talk to him once, you will definitely remember him the second time)....I immediately got up and ran to him...
Dad: Have you calmed down yet???
Me: No, I hate this place...Im not used to waiting...When I was in Baghdad I used to get my answers from people in a second...And if I didnt, I would try and find out myself, and not just sit waiting like an idiot...
Dad: Well this is not Baghdad, and you have to learn to become patient
As soon as he said that word I splurted out the coffee I was drinking, and started coughing berserkely... I think it went through my lungs...
Me: I said patience??? What patience...The guy keeps saying Tomorrow...
Dad: Well he is trying his best, he keeps saying he wants to please us
ME: Look dad, I dont care, he wants to please us, or he doesnt..these things dont count for me...He eithers knows the flat is occupied or not...Bloody hell, I think I will go to the darn building, and ask for myself...
Dad: I think you need to calm down...Its not the end of the world...You always take rash decisions then regret them....Just relax, dont think about it...
Oh well, I guess so...I do need to relax...BIG TIME!!! I think working continious hours in Baghdad, having no time to even address my social behaviour, is taking its toll on me... I get phonecalls from my siblings asking if Im ok...Yup I am... Why dont u come over???No thanx I wanna be alone...Why??? Cuz I dont wanna talk...Why??? Ughhhh, cant I choose not to talk??? Well yes but this is not healthy...Yesssssss I know...So why dont you come over, we can order in...Im not hungry...You havent eaten for the past few days...(Hmm, now where did they find this out...I think my mom called them up one by one and told them about my behaviour)...Yes I havent eaten, cuz I aint hungry...Can I hang up now???And so my story continues
Come today, and my aunt came over...I havent seen her for ages... As I went to say hello, she gave me the pinching cheeks treatment..."Oh look at you...(oooohing and aaahing while pulling one side of my cheeks to its infinity) I flashed her one of my smiles, and said its nice to see you too...I like this auntie, infact I like all my mom's sisters...They all have an easy going air about them.... This aunt of mine was married when she was just 14...Yup thats how things were then...I think she is in her late 70's now...I cant imagine anyone getting married at that age ...eeewwww...14, barely a kid.... But I do know that some tribes in Iraq still do marry off their girls young, just after she gets her period, she is considered to be of marital age....
Auntie I, who unlike the rest of my relatives, continued living in Baghdad until her husband died 2 years ago...There was nothing wrong with him, he was old... yes, but quite healthy...Rumours have it, he died from depression....After his death, she tried to continue staying in Baghdad but things got really bad, and so she opted to leave and travel between here, Amman and Spain where her kids reside....
Just before lunch, I was asked the dreaded question(well one of them anyway) :How is Baghdad??? Uhoh...here we go again...Pandora's box opening yet again??? Umm Baghdad is fine, you know the same...Nothing new really, car bombings, kidnappings, killings....She nods, yeah I know...her son in law is a very well known Dr. over there...He got so many threat letters, that he moved his whole family to Amman...All Dr's, Professors, Teachers have been targeted...what a shame....
Then the next dreaded question....infact not a question but a factual statement...She goes "Well, its good you are here now, settling down, and making babies" MAKING BABIES!!! OMG....Umm Auntie I, I dont think thats on my mind right now...Her face got all contoured up and said with a slight shock in her voice "why ever not???Its time...You are not young" Hmm, Im only 31, I said...Yes 31, thats old, your womb will rott....eeewww just the thought....Umm Aunti I, Havent you heard about the 70 yr old woman in England who gave birth??? The look on her face was priceless "WHAT???You say 70???" Yup I answer very calmly...Seven Zero...I continued "The medical field is so advanced now, that you can have kids whenever you want, at whatever age..." I wanted to continue and add "And this stone age, backward thinking of having kids just after gettting married because its what the social scene demands of you, IS NOT MY THING..." But I thought better not....Its a good time to practise swallowing my tongue....
Just before she left, she touched my hair and said "You look awful...youve lost weight, you have no cheeks no more, and you have bags underneath your eyes...you should eat" Hmm, isnt it just lovely to listen to these words every waking hour of my day...Oh but she didnt stop there, she continues "If it wasnt for your hair, people wouldnt even look at you" OMG, LMAO....OUCH...Thats exactly what I love about my family...Their straight forwardedness....But did I really look that bad????
I couldnt wait for her to leave and I scrammed to my bathroom mirror... I looked at myself and I was horrified at the person staring back at me...OMG, my aunt is right...I look ghastly... Dark circles below my eyes (havent been sleeping well)...White ashen face (havent seen the sun in days)....Collar bones portruding and I dont think they can go any further.... Hmm, I faked a smile just to check my crow wrinkles...Shit....they have worsened....Oh well...C'est la vie...I think I need to look for a job ASAP...
One of the presentations that I used to prepare is due today... I sent an email to my supervisor, R, and asked him about it...I cant let go...darn...He sent me back saying:
We miss you immensely. Have not filled your position yet,even though we're trying. We will eventually fill the space, but never the spirit that you exuded.I would normally have responded later when I could send a complete e-mail. But knowing your interest in the presentation, which is this afternoon at 1530, thought I'd give you a heads up in the event you feel a chill around that time (whatever your time zone), you'll know the cause.
Lol, I think I did feel a chill...Last night, I spent the whole time looking at photos...Photos from then...Photos of friends....Photos of good times...Shit it seems like a long long time ago...Who woulda known, a month ago.. like this time, I was sitting at my messy desk...working numbers and looking at spreadsheets!!!
Oh and BTW, I cant help but comment on Bush's unannounced visit...I know I shouldnt really talk about that stuff cuz it exhausts me..But I mean cmon, Atleast Al Maliki should have been told a day before hand...Not like 30 minutes or an hour prior to visit...There are protocols to follow...I think the unannounced visit gave a really bad signal to the Iraqi population...I mean OK, for security reasons, granted...but atleast give some respect to the supposedly sovereign country...Im sorry but thats just my opinion...
I think I better go now... (If you need some painkillers for the headache I gave you from my nonsense blabbing then please dont hesitate to ask, I have plenty of those)...Im gonna go and continue reading my novel....Maybe just maybe my mind will drift away...Away into La La Land....
It doesnt stop there, I immediately called HUBBY, who thankfully was done shopping for suits...I just exploded in his face, crying my eyes out... As if it is the end of the world....With his calmness, and his words, my erratic crying turned into slight whimpers... He then tried to ask if there was something else bothering me apart from the flat... I couldnt tell him...No way!!! How can I tell him that I miss Baghdad...How can I tell him that I miss my work... I mean I was the one who kept nagging him to leave....Convincing him of a better life.... Little did I know...But HUBBY knows me better, he said in an ever slight sarcastic tone "Do you wanna go back???" Uhoh I thought to myself, and immediately answered "Are you kidding me???, theres no way I wanna go back to that hell hole" Hmmm, what else could I have said....
After hanging up, I made my way back to the TV room, were my parents were sitting....As I came near the door, I overheard them talking about me...I dont usually eavesdrop but when my name came up I was curious to hear the conversation...I tiptoed, and stuck my head as close as I can to the wall...
Mom: Your daughter has become erratic, losing her temper on the slightest thing...
Dad: She is just under pressure in trying to get everything done before her husband comes here
Mom: What can we do to help her??? She is not going out, she is not eating...
Dad: I guess she needs some time...
Then I banged my head when I heard footsteps coming near...I ran tiptoing back to my room, and sat on my bed acting as if Im reading my book....My dad started calling my name with his roaring voice(he has one of those distinct voices, that if you talk to him once, you will definitely remember him the second time)....I immediately got up and ran to him...
Dad: Have you calmed down yet???
Me: No, I hate this place...Im not used to waiting...When I was in Baghdad I used to get my answers from people in a second...And if I didnt, I would try and find out myself, and not just sit waiting like an idiot...
Dad: Well this is not Baghdad, and you have to learn to become patient
As soon as he said that word I splurted out the coffee I was drinking, and started coughing berserkely... I think it went through my lungs...
Me: I said patience??? What patience...The guy keeps saying Tomorrow...
Dad: Well he is trying his best, he keeps saying he wants to please us
ME: Look dad, I dont care, he wants to please us, or he doesnt..these things dont count for me...He eithers knows the flat is occupied or not...Bloody hell, I think I will go to the darn building, and ask for myself...
Dad: I think you need to calm down...Its not the end of the world...You always take rash decisions then regret them....Just relax, dont think about it...
Oh well, I guess so...I do need to relax...BIG TIME!!! I think working continious hours in Baghdad, having no time to even address my social behaviour, is taking its toll on me... I get phonecalls from my siblings asking if Im ok...Yup I am... Why dont u come over???No thanx I wanna be alone...Why??? Cuz I dont wanna talk...Why??? Ughhhh, cant I choose not to talk??? Well yes but this is not healthy...Yesssssss I know...So why dont you come over, we can order in...Im not hungry...You havent eaten for the past few days...(Hmm, now where did they find this out...I think my mom called them up one by one and told them about my behaviour)...Yes I havent eaten, cuz I aint hungry...Can I hang up now???And so my story continues
Come today, and my aunt came over...I havent seen her for ages... As I went to say hello, she gave me the pinching cheeks treatment..."Oh look at you...(oooohing and aaahing while pulling one side of my cheeks to its infinity) I flashed her one of my smiles, and said its nice to see you too...I like this auntie, infact I like all my mom's sisters...They all have an easy going air about them.... This aunt of mine was married when she was just 14...Yup thats how things were then...I think she is in her late 70's now...I cant imagine anyone getting married at that age ...eeewwww...14, barely a kid.... But I do know that some tribes in Iraq still do marry off their girls young, just after she gets her period, she is considered to be of marital age....
Auntie I, who unlike the rest of my relatives, continued living in Baghdad until her husband died 2 years ago...There was nothing wrong with him, he was old... yes, but quite healthy...Rumours have it, he died from depression....After his death, she tried to continue staying in Baghdad but things got really bad, and so she opted to leave and travel between here, Amman and Spain where her kids reside....
Just before lunch, I was asked the dreaded question(well one of them anyway) :How is Baghdad??? Uhoh...here we go again...Pandora's box opening yet again??? Umm Baghdad is fine, you know the same...Nothing new really, car bombings, kidnappings, killings....She nods, yeah I know...her son in law is a very well known Dr. over there...He got so many threat letters, that he moved his whole family to Amman...All Dr's, Professors, Teachers have been targeted...what a shame....
Then the next dreaded question....infact not a question but a factual statement...She goes "Well, its good you are here now, settling down, and making babies" MAKING BABIES!!! OMG....Umm Auntie I, I dont think thats on my mind right now...Her face got all contoured up and said with a slight shock in her voice "why ever not???Its time...You are not young" Hmm, Im only 31, I said...Yes 31, thats old, your womb will rott....eeewww just the thought....Umm Aunti I, Havent you heard about the 70 yr old woman in England who gave birth??? The look on her face was priceless "WHAT???You say 70???" Yup I answer very calmly...Seven Zero...I continued "The medical field is so advanced now, that you can have kids whenever you want, at whatever age..." I wanted to continue and add "And this stone age, backward thinking of having kids just after gettting married because its what the social scene demands of you, IS NOT MY THING..." But I thought better not....Its a good time to practise swallowing my tongue....
Just before she left, she touched my hair and said "You look awful...youve lost weight, you have no cheeks no more, and you have bags underneath your eyes...you should eat" Hmm, isnt it just lovely to listen to these words every waking hour of my day...Oh but she didnt stop there, she continues "If it wasnt for your hair, people wouldnt even look at you" OMG, LMAO....OUCH...Thats exactly what I love about my family...Their straight forwardedness....But did I really look that bad????
I couldnt wait for her to leave and I scrammed to my bathroom mirror... I looked at myself and I was horrified at the person staring back at me...OMG, my aunt is right...I look ghastly... Dark circles below my eyes (havent been sleeping well)...White ashen face (havent seen the sun in days)....Collar bones portruding and I dont think they can go any further.... Hmm, I faked a smile just to check my crow wrinkles...Shit....they have worsened....Oh well...C'est la vie...I think I need to look for a job ASAP...
One of the presentations that I used to prepare is due today... I sent an email to my supervisor, R, and asked him about it...I cant let go...darn...He sent me back saying:
We miss you immensely. Have not filled your position yet,even though we're trying. We will eventually fill the space, but never the spirit that you exuded.I would normally have responded later when I could send a complete e-mail. But knowing your interest in the presentation, which is this afternoon at 1530, thought I'd give you a heads up in the event you feel a chill around that time (whatever your time zone), you'll know the cause.
Lol, I think I did feel a chill...Last night, I spent the whole time looking at photos...Photos from then...Photos of friends....Photos of good times...Shit it seems like a long long time ago...Who woulda known, a month ago.. like this time, I was sitting at my messy desk...working numbers and looking at spreadsheets!!!
Oh and BTW, I cant help but comment on Bush's unannounced visit...I know I shouldnt really talk about that stuff cuz it exhausts me..But I mean cmon, Atleast Al Maliki should have been told a day before hand...Not like 30 minutes or an hour prior to visit...There are protocols to follow...I think the unannounced visit gave a really bad signal to the Iraqi population...I mean OK, for security reasons, granted...but atleast give some respect to the supposedly sovereign country...Im sorry but thats just my opinion...
I think I better go now... (If you need some painkillers for the headache I gave you from my nonsense blabbing then please dont hesitate to ask, I have plenty of those)...Im gonna go and continue reading my novel....Maybe just maybe my mind will drift away...Away into La La Land....
June 13, 2006
Silence is Golden....
Im newsed out, depressed out and decided to become unphased yet again...Ever since that day at the mall, I'm feeling too exhausted to leave the house...Stayed in yesterday, stayed in today, and shooed goodbye to my plans of furnishing my flat...Yup...The whole excitement has gone out the door...One major contributing reason is my depression, the scond reason is the fact that the flat I got didnt feel right the second time I saw it...I mean theres something about it...The colours, or actually the mismatch of colours...I go into the bathroom, and my eyes gaze upon, a light green bath tub, a pink toilet with bidet, and a white wash basin!!!! I mean hellooooo, why??? Ofcourse there are more things that I didnt like, and the fact that HUBBY wants a fridge with an icemaker, doesnt make things easier...I measured fridge, then went and measured space of kitchen...I started laughing hysterically...If that fridge goes in, I will have to choose between 2 options....
First option, place myself in one of those pancake makers, so I can be as thin as a crepe (with my current weight I dont think I can go any thinner, or else I will disappear)...or second option invent a device that will do the cooking, the cleaning and the washing with me controlling it from the comforts of my bedroom...I think second option fits me best...After having conveyed my thoughts to HUBBY who is miles away in the US, he asked me to look for somewhere else...If fridge doesnt fit he says, then I dont want flat...Hmmm...I never thought that an object will be the decision maker here...He then adds sympathetically and if you dont feel comfortable in it honey, why stress yourself, go find somehere else...
So there I go, searching for another nest...With my mom's help, I found somewhere close by...Immaculately done and clean...A kitchen that can, fit me, the fridge and three robots if I chose...But problem is flat not available... guy who is supposed to give us an answer, keeps promising tomorrow he will find out...when tomorrow comes, he gives an excuse, and says tomorrow I will know for sure etc...So I have been sitting on my ass for the past few days waiting and waiting and waiting for that tomorrow...Oh and ofcourse having a go at HUBBY who keeps telling me I should cheer up cuz this is supposed to be a fun experience...Umm yeah HUBBY...Although I have been notoriously known for my impatience and short temeperedness, I think after Baghdad, it has become even more so... Extremely snappy and irritable...
Then there is my sense of smell...I always had a strong sense of smell... always...I mean one time...Long time ago... I was out for dinner at this 5 star restaurant when I recognized a smell I terribly hate...Dunno the exact name in english but in Iraqi its called "Zafara" eeewwwww...Its that smell when you dont wash the dishes with dettol after having eggs...Just writing about it now makes me queazy...Anyhow, so I start sniffing my plate...it had it...asked waiter to change plate...smell still lingered.. sniffed my dad's plate, asked waiter to change it... sniffed mom's plate, asked waiter to change it..Then I got up in the middle of restaurant (I kid you not) and started sniffing the whole table...In the end, I asked waiter to change everything(we couldnt change tables since the place was overbooked) ...Needless to say by then my appetite disappeared and I sat there sulking... now, after coming back from Baghdad, my sense of smell has become even more sensitive...I have no idea what perfumes my mom and sister put on, but I tell you...I can smell them miles away, I immediately develop a severe headache and start my bout of complaining...I too use perfume, but not as pungent...
When I told Mom what a horrible perfume she was using she became all defensive and said "ever since you came back, you are different...You have no taste anymore...you probably got used to the smell of burning trash, you're clothes are those of a pauper, you look like a thin rake and your moods have become worse" I wanted to say "Bravo, bravo" followed by a set of clapping...Wowwww they finally realised that I aint the same person...Took them what??? A week??? Hmm, not bad....But OUCH on the sense of dressing...
Yes I confess, I still wear my Khakis that I have killed in the past year in Baghdad, my plain white tshirt and my pink sneakers...I mean cmon whats wrong with that??? I do vary from white tshirt to a black one if need be...But a pauper??? Ok fine, the pants are a bit shabby at the bottom, cuz they're long and I tend to shuffle when I walk..But who cares...I wear what makes me comfy and not what other people wanna see...Im quite sure she will have a nightmare if I would put on my best pair of jeans (which I also killed in Baghdad)...They tore at both knees...lol...I dont think I will hear the end of it...Then adding insult to injury she tears my ear drums with her advice "Forget about Baghdad and live your life...You are young, you should be out and about right now...This is your time...This is..." And here I disappear, retreating slowly back to my room....regretting that I opened my big mouth and complained about the darn perfume...sorry mom...
While Im here living in my Khakis, HUBBY is busy shopping for suits...I thought shopping therapy is just for women??? Have things changed while I was away???Apparantely he doesnt want to stand out when living here...Abu dhabi (capital of the UAE) is somehow a fake environment...But definitely by far low key than Dubai...In Dubai, if you dont own a Merc or BMW you are considered a nothing...I hate Dubai, and can never see myself living or working there, although job opportunities are more ample than here...Abu Dhabi on the other hand is more of a family oriented kinda place, more subtle, more relaxed...But you still have to live up to poeple's standards...And I being myself, absolutely loathe that philosophy...I may have accepted it in my 20's when I infact was one of those high heeled chicks that always had to look good even when going to the local store to buy some gum, sheesh...The things we do when young...But now, I dont care....I dont care what car I have as long as it takes me from A to B...I dont care what pants I wear, as long as im comfortable...I dont care what shoes I have on as long as I can walk in them...
I cant blame HUBBY for having a sudden obsession with suits..I mean every male I know that lives here with the exception of locals, goes to work in a suit...Which gave HUBBY a culture shock when he first visited my parents to get to know them before we get married...There he was, the only male, with pleated chino's, a polo tshirt and a pair of brown Sebagos...My kinda guy sans the pleats...But I guess he figured it pretty fast...Who you are, here, is what you wear...Fat chance I will be getting any interviews...I think the GZ suited me perfectly for its simplicity...Hmm...maybe it was a bad idea to leave...Its gonna be quite a challenge to get used to many things around here...The strong perfume...The unsolicited advice...The dinners, the lunches, the obligations...Oh and keeping my tongue in tow...I cant say I have changed much in that department...I mean I have always been known for my bold tongue (in Iraqi the expression is "ilsanee tuweel")...Oh and not forgetting the Tomorrow that everyone promises...and never comes...
I just found out a few hours ago that Bush is in Iraq...wander what wheeling and dealing is taking place with Maliki...Oooops, sorry Im in my unphased mood...Better start practising to give my tongue to the cat...Maybe then, instead of getting the "You should get out more, eat more, dress like a woman...bla bla bla" lectures, I will get the "Did the Cat Get Your Tongue???" As the saying goes...Silence, Silence is Golden...
First option, place myself in one of those pancake makers, so I can be as thin as a crepe (with my current weight I dont think I can go any thinner, or else I will disappear)...or second option invent a device that will do the cooking, the cleaning and the washing with me controlling it from the comforts of my bedroom...I think second option fits me best...After having conveyed my thoughts to HUBBY who is miles away in the US, he asked me to look for somewhere else...If fridge doesnt fit he says, then I dont want flat...Hmmm...I never thought that an object will be the decision maker here...He then adds sympathetically and if you dont feel comfortable in it honey, why stress yourself, go find somehere else...
So there I go, searching for another nest...With my mom's help, I found somewhere close by...Immaculately done and clean...A kitchen that can, fit me, the fridge and three robots if I chose...But problem is flat not available... guy who is supposed to give us an answer, keeps promising tomorrow he will find out...when tomorrow comes, he gives an excuse, and says tomorrow I will know for sure etc...So I have been sitting on my ass for the past few days waiting and waiting and waiting for that tomorrow...Oh and ofcourse having a go at HUBBY who keeps telling me I should cheer up cuz this is supposed to be a fun experience...Umm yeah HUBBY...Although I have been notoriously known for my impatience and short temeperedness, I think after Baghdad, it has become even more so... Extremely snappy and irritable...
Then there is my sense of smell...I always had a strong sense of smell... always...I mean one time...Long time ago... I was out for dinner at this 5 star restaurant when I recognized a smell I terribly hate...Dunno the exact name in english but in Iraqi its called "Zafara" eeewwwww...Its that smell when you dont wash the dishes with dettol after having eggs...Just writing about it now makes me queazy...Anyhow, so I start sniffing my plate...it had it...asked waiter to change plate...smell still lingered.. sniffed my dad's plate, asked waiter to change it... sniffed mom's plate, asked waiter to change it..Then I got up in the middle of restaurant (I kid you not) and started sniffing the whole table...In the end, I asked waiter to change everything(we couldnt change tables since the place was overbooked) ...Needless to say by then my appetite disappeared and I sat there sulking... now, after coming back from Baghdad, my sense of smell has become even more sensitive...I have no idea what perfumes my mom and sister put on, but I tell you...I can smell them miles away, I immediately develop a severe headache and start my bout of complaining...I too use perfume, but not as pungent...
When I told Mom what a horrible perfume she was using she became all defensive and said "ever since you came back, you are different...You have no taste anymore...you probably got used to the smell of burning trash, you're clothes are those of a pauper, you look like a thin rake and your moods have become worse" I wanted to say "Bravo, bravo" followed by a set of clapping...Wowwww they finally realised that I aint the same person...Took them what??? A week??? Hmm, not bad....But OUCH on the sense of dressing...
Yes I confess, I still wear my Khakis that I have killed in the past year in Baghdad, my plain white tshirt and my pink sneakers...I mean cmon whats wrong with that??? I do vary from white tshirt to a black one if need be...But a pauper??? Ok fine, the pants are a bit shabby at the bottom, cuz they're long and I tend to shuffle when I walk..But who cares...I wear what makes me comfy and not what other people wanna see...Im quite sure she will have a nightmare if I would put on my best pair of jeans (which I also killed in Baghdad)...They tore at both knees...lol...I dont think I will hear the end of it...Then adding insult to injury she tears my ear drums with her advice "Forget about Baghdad and live your life...You are young, you should be out and about right now...This is your time...This is..." And here I disappear, retreating slowly back to my room....regretting that I opened my big mouth and complained about the darn perfume...sorry mom...
While Im here living in my Khakis, HUBBY is busy shopping for suits...I thought shopping therapy is just for women??? Have things changed while I was away???Apparantely he doesnt want to stand out when living here...Abu dhabi (capital of the UAE) is somehow a fake environment...But definitely by far low key than Dubai...In Dubai, if you dont own a Merc or BMW you are considered a nothing...I hate Dubai, and can never see myself living or working there, although job opportunities are more ample than here...Abu Dhabi on the other hand is more of a family oriented kinda place, more subtle, more relaxed...But you still have to live up to poeple's standards...And I being myself, absolutely loathe that philosophy...I may have accepted it in my 20's when I infact was one of those high heeled chicks that always had to look good even when going to the local store to buy some gum, sheesh...The things we do when young...But now, I dont care....I dont care what car I have as long as it takes me from A to B...I dont care what pants I wear, as long as im comfortable...I dont care what shoes I have on as long as I can walk in them...
I cant blame HUBBY for having a sudden obsession with suits..I mean every male I know that lives here with the exception of locals, goes to work in a suit...Which gave HUBBY a culture shock when he first visited my parents to get to know them before we get married...There he was, the only male, with pleated chino's, a polo tshirt and a pair of brown Sebagos...My kinda guy sans the pleats...But I guess he figured it pretty fast...Who you are, here, is what you wear...Fat chance I will be getting any interviews...I think the GZ suited me perfectly for its simplicity...Hmm...maybe it was a bad idea to leave...Its gonna be quite a challenge to get used to many things around here...The strong perfume...The unsolicited advice...The dinners, the lunches, the obligations...Oh and keeping my tongue in tow...I cant say I have changed much in that department...I mean I have always been known for my bold tongue (in Iraqi the expression is "ilsanee tuweel")...Oh and not forgetting the Tomorrow that everyone promises...and never comes...
I just found out a few hours ago that Bush is in Iraq...wander what wheeling and dealing is taking place with Maliki...Oooops, sorry Im in my unphased mood...Better start practising to give my tongue to the cat...Maybe then, instead of getting the "You should get out more, eat more, dress like a woman...bla bla bla" lectures, I will get the "Did the Cat Get Your Tongue???" As the saying goes...Silence, Silence is Golden...
June 12, 2006
Tiny Tears in the Dead Sea...
I received an email last night from a former colleague of mine in Iraq...She said that our sector got a letter of "Non Performance" and that the Program manager took the responsibility and was given the boot...Am I surprised, Nope not at all...I knew they were gonna get rid of him soon cuz he was useless...Dont get me wrong, as a person, he was a nice guy, easy going and took alot of blows with patience...But it was him that kept ignoring HUBBY's and the other Iraqi Expats' opinion on how things should be done...He failed us, He failed the program and most importantly he failed the Iraqi people by not making the right decisions...
I called HUBBY (He is in the States right now) and told him the news...He immediately said Im gonna write him an email and say "what goes around, comes around" I told HUBBY thats not nice, even if he wasnt a great manager, I think its bad to gloat...I guess HUBBY still has this anger inside of him, I dont blame him, I know its difficult to let go, especially when he took his work too personally because he was doing it for his people...But things were bound to go wrong...
There were no plans from the start...They got the IRRF funding, obligated the money, gave the projects to US corporations and didnt even look at the details...Whose fault is it??? Its everybody's fault...The US government for starters, the organisations that were given the money to find the contractors, and the contractors themselves...Bad management from the start...But the government leads that came later on, realised this, tried to rectify it as much as they can...One disadvantage though was the 4 month rotation..They were in the Air Force, so every 4 months someone new has to come...
By the time the Government leads understood the problems, work so hard to solve the issues, it was time for them to leave and so on...I say this again, the last 2 terms of Airforce were simply the best...This current one though, I cant really make a judgement...I only worked with them for 3 weeks, and in those 3 weeks, I didnt see the same hard work or commitment their predecessors showed... Anyhow, I think I should just detach myself from the whole thing, its too exhausting...
As for Pandora's box, dont think I can put a lock on it...No matter how much I try, I will always wanna open it, always wanna take a peek inside, always wanna live the moments...I realised if I choose not to, then I will be fooling myself... But as one of the commenters said "Imagine what the soldiers go through" Yes true, this is probably nothing compared to what the soldiers go through everyday...Scenes of dead corpses, scenes of their own friends being drenched in blood...What must their mind go through at such moments...What does their mind go through when they pull that trigger...They pull the trigger for the first time in their lives, killing someone not because they want to, but inorder to defend themselves???Ive seen them, some are barely 18 yrs of age...How does their life change???
Infact what Im going through is nothing compared to what the Iraqis see everyday...The children, the children who one minute were sitting peacfully with their families having dinner and the next minute they are staring at bits and pieces of flesh scattered all around them, flesh of their dad, their mom...The only people that promised to protect them from the unknown, the only people they trusted, the only people they thought will always be there, but are gone...And it happens....everyday...We dont hear much about it in the media, the media that is too busy with playing the blame game...But believe me it happens...What do you think the future holds for these children??? These children who in a matter of seconds become Orphans...What kind of dreams would they have??? Or actually what kind of nightmares...Waking up at night drenched in sweat screaming "mama, baba, please dont go away, please dont leave me...I will be a good girl now, I will not fight with my brother anymore"...how will they carry on with their lives???
How about the mothers...The mothers who carried their babies in their wombs for 9 months, who never thought that they will outlive their children, who always tried their best to protect their kids from any harm...What about them??? How do they live their lives and carry on when their only hope has been stolen from them....How much guilt would they be going through???No wailing, no screaming will bring back their little children, their babies...Their flesh and blood Stolen from them in a matter of minutes...
So Yes I might be going through a bad time...But when I sit and think about the stories I was told, the realities that people tend to ignore cuz all they care about is whether Bush was right or wrong...Then No, my feelings are nothing, my feelings are just tiny drops in the Ocean, Tiny Tears...Tiny Tears in the Dead Sea...
I called HUBBY (He is in the States right now) and told him the news...He immediately said Im gonna write him an email and say "what goes around, comes around" I told HUBBY thats not nice, even if he wasnt a great manager, I think its bad to gloat...I guess HUBBY still has this anger inside of him, I dont blame him, I know its difficult to let go, especially when he took his work too personally because he was doing it for his people...But things were bound to go wrong...
There were no plans from the start...They got the IRRF funding, obligated the money, gave the projects to US corporations and didnt even look at the details...Whose fault is it??? Its everybody's fault...The US government for starters, the organisations that were given the money to find the contractors, and the contractors themselves...Bad management from the start...But the government leads that came later on, realised this, tried to rectify it as much as they can...One disadvantage though was the 4 month rotation..They were in the Air Force, so every 4 months someone new has to come...
By the time the Government leads understood the problems, work so hard to solve the issues, it was time for them to leave and so on...I say this again, the last 2 terms of Airforce were simply the best...This current one though, I cant really make a judgement...I only worked with them for 3 weeks, and in those 3 weeks, I didnt see the same hard work or commitment their predecessors showed... Anyhow, I think I should just detach myself from the whole thing, its too exhausting...
As for Pandora's box, dont think I can put a lock on it...No matter how much I try, I will always wanna open it, always wanna take a peek inside, always wanna live the moments...I realised if I choose not to, then I will be fooling myself... But as one of the commenters said "Imagine what the soldiers go through" Yes true, this is probably nothing compared to what the soldiers go through everyday...Scenes of dead corpses, scenes of their own friends being drenched in blood...What must their mind go through at such moments...What does their mind go through when they pull that trigger...They pull the trigger for the first time in their lives, killing someone not because they want to, but inorder to defend themselves???Ive seen them, some are barely 18 yrs of age...How does their life change???
Infact what Im going through is nothing compared to what the Iraqis see everyday...The children, the children who one minute were sitting peacfully with their families having dinner and the next minute they are staring at bits and pieces of flesh scattered all around them, flesh of their dad, their mom...The only people that promised to protect them from the unknown, the only people they trusted, the only people they thought will always be there, but are gone...And it happens....everyday...We dont hear much about it in the media, the media that is too busy with playing the blame game...But believe me it happens...What do you think the future holds for these children??? These children who in a matter of seconds become Orphans...What kind of dreams would they have??? Or actually what kind of nightmares...Waking up at night drenched in sweat screaming "mama, baba, please dont go away, please dont leave me...I will be a good girl now, I will not fight with my brother anymore"...how will they carry on with their lives???
How about the mothers...The mothers who carried their babies in their wombs for 9 months, who never thought that they will outlive their children, who always tried their best to protect their kids from any harm...What about them??? How do they live their lives and carry on when their only hope has been stolen from them....How much guilt would they be going through???No wailing, no screaming will bring back their little children, their babies...Their flesh and blood Stolen from them in a matter of minutes...
So Yes I might be going through a bad time...But when I sit and think about the stories I was told, the realities that people tend to ignore cuz all they care about is whether Bush was right or wrong...Then No, my feelings are nothing, my feelings are just tiny drops in the Ocean, Tiny Tears...Tiny Tears in the Dead Sea...
June 11, 2006
Pandora's Box...
Letting go...Letting go aint easy, not for me that is...Letting go of people, letting go of emotions, letting go of stuff...Never was easy, and I dont think it ever will be...There are certain memories that I cant seem to forget, and forgetting them would make my life much easier, much simpler...And a warning this is just a venting post, so if youre sick and tired of my whining then a piece of advice from me, stop reading here...
Memories of people, good ones, bad ones, are in my mind, and since all I wanna do is just be alone and contemplate, Ive been having loads of flashbacks...I mean loads of them...Memories that I buried deep inside and was surprised they surfaced back again...Today I had to go and visit one of my bestfriends, she's moving, and I havent seen her for quite some time now..She asked me about Iraq, and my experience...I told her about the people I met, the places Ive been, I told her about my work...I explained to her how people live, live just for the moment...They live without really experiencing life...Souless souls roaming around...Thinking that any second their lives may be gone, may disappear from the face of the world...Then I remembered H...H was a guy who worked closely with HUBBY...He was kidnapped a month after I got to Baghdad, and till now he wasnt found, nothing...not a corpse...and not alive...He has 5 kids...And i also remembered the last conversation I had with him, a day before he disappeared...
We were talking about life in general...I was complaining then, complaining about HUBBY and about WOB...He said "you know, life is too short, you should enjoy it while you can...Forget negativity, forget pessimism" He continued "I believe in God, and I believe that if he chooses to take my life now, then Im comfortable..." These were his last words to me, to me personally...Just telling the story to my friend brought tears to my eyes...I remembered something I have buried deep down, I remembered a memory that at the time caused me to have a nervous breakdown...It was July of last year...Wow, and he's gone...
Its difficult to let go of such things, and yet at the same time its difficult to continiously remember...Right now, my heart feels constricted...I dont feel too good...I guess yet again its a syndrome of being in Iraq...But I shouldnt feel this way..I mean I wasnt in the army, nor in the front lines, so I cant say I have seen corpses, I have seen dead people, I have been traumatized... I cant have PTSD...Must be something else...After H's story I went to another and another and another...It was like Pandora's box...All sad, depressing stuff, that probably made my friend feel uncomfortable...But I continued, and then I realised that the room has become silent...I immediately said sorry, didnt mean to depress you guys, just wanted you to know how things are over there...Then another person asked "is their reconstruction taking place???"
Sure I answered, definitely there is reconstruction taking place...but slowly very slowly...Eyebrows were raised, and I said hey, I worked there, so I know...I then felt extremely claustrophobic and just wanted to leave...I looked at my watch (hasnt been working since Baghdad) just a gesture to show them Im late for something...infact I had nothing lined up...Wanted to get out of there and come back home to be alone...To sit here and write...write about how Im feeling...Just let it out...Cuz I know that in a few hours I have to pretend that all is Ok...I have to flash my smile infront of my family while im breaking inside...So again I ask, is this normal???
I know I wont get any answers, I rarely do...Another flashback, another memory...I feel like a video tape is being played right now in my mind...One that was laid on one of many empty shelves, one that has accumulated dust and thought would never be played again...But it is...especially today...I look at the screen of my mind, and I try to reach these memories...Im trying so hard to touch them, to feel them again..Maybe I wanna live them again...But I know thats impossible...I try to press pause...to capture the moment, but the control of my brain is stuck, stuck on play...And that feeling, the feeling of emptiness is overpowering...
Maybe its time...Time to put a lock on Pandora...Pandora's Box...
Memories of people, good ones, bad ones, are in my mind, and since all I wanna do is just be alone and contemplate, Ive been having loads of flashbacks...I mean loads of them...Memories that I buried deep inside and was surprised they surfaced back again...Today I had to go and visit one of my bestfriends, she's moving, and I havent seen her for quite some time now..She asked me about Iraq, and my experience...I told her about the people I met, the places Ive been, I told her about my work...I explained to her how people live, live just for the moment...They live without really experiencing life...Souless souls roaming around...Thinking that any second their lives may be gone, may disappear from the face of the world...Then I remembered H...H was a guy who worked closely with HUBBY...He was kidnapped a month after I got to Baghdad, and till now he wasnt found, nothing...not a corpse...and not alive...He has 5 kids...And i also remembered the last conversation I had with him, a day before he disappeared...
We were talking about life in general...I was complaining then, complaining about HUBBY and about WOB...He said "you know, life is too short, you should enjoy it while you can...Forget negativity, forget pessimism" He continued "I believe in God, and I believe that if he chooses to take my life now, then Im comfortable..." These were his last words to me, to me personally...Just telling the story to my friend brought tears to my eyes...I remembered something I have buried deep down, I remembered a memory that at the time caused me to have a nervous breakdown...It was July of last year...Wow, and he's gone...
Its difficult to let go of such things, and yet at the same time its difficult to continiously remember...Right now, my heart feels constricted...I dont feel too good...I guess yet again its a syndrome of being in Iraq...But I shouldnt feel this way..I mean I wasnt in the army, nor in the front lines, so I cant say I have seen corpses, I have seen dead people, I have been traumatized... I cant have PTSD...Must be something else...After H's story I went to another and another and another...It was like Pandora's box...All sad, depressing stuff, that probably made my friend feel uncomfortable...But I continued, and then I realised that the room has become silent...I immediately said sorry, didnt mean to depress you guys, just wanted you to know how things are over there...Then another person asked "is their reconstruction taking place???"
Sure I answered, definitely there is reconstruction taking place...but slowly very slowly...Eyebrows were raised, and I said hey, I worked there, so I know...I then felt extremely claustrophobic and just wanted to leave...I looked at my watch (hasnt been working since Baghdad) just a gesture to show them Im late for something...infact I had nothing lined up...Wanted to get out of there and come back home to be alone...To sit here and write...write about how Im feeling...Just let it out...Cuz I know that in a few hours I have to pretend that all is Ok...I have to flash my smile infront of my family while im breaking inside...So again I ask, is this normal???
I know I wont get any answers, I rarely do...Another flashback, another memory...I feel like a video tape is being played right now in my mind...One that was laid on one of many empty shelves, one that has accumulated dust and thought would never be played again...But it is...especially today...I look at the screen of my mind, and I try to reach these memories...Im trying so hard to touch them, to feel them again..Maybe I wanna live them again...But I know thats impossible...I try to press pause...to capture the moment, but the control of my brain is stuck, stuck on play...And that feeling, the feeling of emptiness is overpowering...
Maybe its time...Time to put a lock on Pandora...Pandora's Box...
Chocolate Indulgence...
Ok, can someone please tell me that this is just a short phase im going through, that its normal to feel abnormal after Iraq??? I mean, first off, Im angry all the time...secondly, Im extremely finicky and panicky...thirdly, I just wanna be alone...Fourthly Im not into shoes, can you believe it???ME passing by a shoe store without even wanting to go inside??? Something is terribly wrong..I mean terribly wrong...I got into the car with my mom today, and uttered the words "be careful mom", "Watch out Mom", "Youre gonna hit that car Mom" maybe a million times, something she used to do to ME when I would be driving, a thing that used to get on my nerves and drive me mad...Am I turning into my mom??? OMG...
Then I get into a brush fight, yup a hairbrush fight...I had to go and colour my hair roots...The brown colour looked extremely odd with my caramel highlights...So went to the hairdressers, as I sat down, the assistant came to brush my hair...Now, Im the type of person that never brushes her hair except in the shower...I dunno, I just dont like to...I prefer the messy just out of bed look...So needless to say my hair was full of knots...The lady began to brush and realised that its gonna be a challenge, so she thought that by combing it vigorously it will solve the problem...I could see my head in the mirror moving forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards,(my cig kept goin left, righ, left, right always missing my lips) and the pain, the pain was just so unbearable...So i look at her in the mirror, and tell her nicely, please can I have the brush...she says "no maam, I will do it"...Umm I repeated, PLease give me the brush, she looked at me and said "NO MAAM"..I was like WTH...So I grabbed the brush from her hands, "But Ma.." she started to say, I shouted "IT IS MY HAIR AND I WILL BRUSH IT THE WAY I WANT TO, sheeeeesh" She ducked her head down and disappeared...I felt bad but I mean cmon, with every stroke she took, I could feel my hairs literally being removed from my head...it was OUCH....
Then Off I went to the mall, to check out a few beds...My younger sister was with me...She's a shopaholic...I warned her "Look D, Im only going in one store only to check out the beds, Im not here to shop and go around Ok???" Innocently she replied "I only need a few things wont be long" Little did I know....We spent 3 hours!!! 3 darn hours, with me following her from shop to shop....She felt bad and said to me "You know, You dont have to frown and complain, you can leave me here, I will take a cab back home" Umm yeah right as if I will let her do that....Then after nagging her she said "You know, you have become an old bore, you need to chill out!!!" Hmm, maybe she is right...I think I do need to chill out...but how and when...and where???
Ok, I have received emails from my former colleagues in Baghdad, and this is what they had to say about Zarqawi's death:
This is from W
We all good in here and there is nothing good happened in Iraq since zarqawi death but we hope it will be better
S said:
Mabrook alena kulna(Congrats to all of us) the death of this kalb ibn elkalb(this is an Iraqi expression which simply means dog, son of a dog, used in same way as Jackass)....I really hope things will get better, but I'm not very optimistic about that...but we shall see what's gonna happen.
So basically its the same sentiment...We are all extremely glad that he is gone, but from what we have seen already, people have lost faith abit but can only hope that things will improve after... what counts though is the fact that there is still that tiny glimmer of hope...
Back to my Trip from Hell...AFter having sweated my glands out in the C130, we arrived in Kuwait around 8pm their time...KBR bus came and took us from the plane to the designated area of passport/DOD cards control...I felt like Im part of a herd of sheep....Our turn comes, and HUBBY tells the lady at the counter that he lost the visa sticker he got when he first entered Kuwait 2 years ago...She looks at him, then says "Sorry sir, you have to wait to get a new visa, come back between 2am and 4am" I look at HUBBY and say no freakin way...Then I said isnt there any other way, we really are exhausted...No Maam, she says, this is the Kuwaiti government, he cant leave the gates without the visa...
Then my turn and I proudly presented her my CAC card with my visa sticker on and a huge smile covering my face (trying to show off, that hey Im not irresponsible, I actually kept the sticker)...She says "Maam, Im sorry but we have to confiscate your CAC card cuz its expired and you too have to wait for a visa to be issued" OMG...I said why????I have the visa!!! "Sorry Maam, we have to get you a new one..." Hmm, I look at HUBBY and say "Ok this is where all the fun begins, we have like 6 hours to kill in this desert, where do u fancy to have dinner tonight???" HUBBY gives me his usual shrug...Theres this young man called Issa or something who also helps out with the visas, he saw that we looked really lost and needed some help...He said, listen, theres a 24 hr Mcdonalds, and a coffee shop, why dont you just make yourself comfortable and relax...
So in six hours, I showed HUBBY that I can play table tennis, darts, and run faster than him...It was fun, I have to admit...At 2 am sharp we were in the office, the lady gave us our passports back, but told us that the next bus out to the hotel is at 5...There is no way I was gonna wait till 5...Im tired, Im dirty, and I just want to go to bed....So she says well you have to find a ride with someone...There was a Major, standing there, she asked him if he was going downtown..He said that he was...I looked at him with my innocent eyes, and said Can we join you, we need to get to our hotel...He then told me to ask the driver taking him..I asked, and made sure to show the driver our luggage so he wont get the shock of his life when we get into the car...
He was really nice and said no probs...That was around 215am...We get into the back seat, finally able to relax...There was another guy with us apart from the Major...30 mins into the drive...HUBBY and I realised that the guy driving has no clue where he's goin...Apparantely he turned out to be new to the country..Hmm, this is just great, just our luck...They were looking for a certain hotel...We kept going round, and round and round...Until HUBBY suggested that it might help if they stop somewhere and ask someone...So they asked him if he can do it in Arabic...HUBBY was more than happy...
We stopped at a compound and asked the security "do u know hotel so and so???" man replies yes "how do we get to it please???" You see this road, you go straight, you come to a traffic light, you turn right, you then continue straight and the hotel will be on your right" Then the man adds "once you get there, just ask someone"...We do exactly what he said but no hotel on the right, nor on the left...We stop yet again and ask someone who gives us same BS, then adds, when you get there, ask someone(why the hell cant they just say NO, we dont know the place, why do they have to give some utter bs directions, that made me dizzy and wanna throw up, then adds ask someone there, I really dont get it)...We just kept goin on and on in circles, passing the same darn building a zillion times...I looked at my watch and it was nearly 4am...One more hour and we coulda gotten the bus....grrrrrrr
It was three hours later, without any exxageration, from the moment we got in the car, to the moment we reached our hotel...By that time, I literally was a zombie...didnt care where I slept...I just needed a bed...It appeared that the Villas KBR rent out in the hotel in Kuwait aint mixed ofcourse, so HUBBY and I had to sleep in different in villas...At that time, I didnt have any energy to complain, I just need a darn bed and a shower please if you dont mind....But we couldnt sleep much cuz at 8am we had to do a medical...
Met HUBBY did the medical that was just a bunch of 8 sheets which we had to read and answer, simple, easy peasy, we came all the way to Kuwait to answer whether we were traumatised by any way, or feel strange in any way...I mean fine decent questions, but hey, I just wanted to go home...Thank God, we gave in our gear at the airport, but we had to get a receipt...The guy was so rude that I couldnt contain myself from saying "Hey, it helps alot if you chill out abit and smile" I think I shocked him with my words and he nervously said "Im sorry but I have an ear infection and I' m not in a good mood"...Oh well...I guess many of us need to chill out...Im certainly one of them...I know, maybe its time for Chocolate...Chocolate Indulgence...
Then I get into a brush fight, yup a hairbrush fight...I had to go and colour my hair roots...The brown colour looked extremely odd with my caramel highlights...So went to the hairdressers, as I sat down, the assistant came to brush my hair...Now, Im the type of person that never brushes her hair except in the shower...I dunno, I just dont like to...I prefer the messy just out of bed look...So needless to say my hair was full of knots...The lady began to brush and realised that its gonna be a challenge, so she thought that by combing it vigorously it will solve the problem...I could see my head in the mirror moving forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards,(my cig kept goin left, righ, left, right always missing my lips) and the pain, the pain was just so unbearable...So i look at her in the mirror, and tell her nicely, please can I have the brush...she says "no maam, I will do it"...Umm I repeated, PLease give me the brush, she looked at me and said "NO MAAM"..I was like WTH...So I grabbed the brush from her hands, "But Ma.." she started to say, I shouted "IT IS MY HAIR AND I WILL BRUSH IT THE WAY I WANT TO, sheeeeesh" She ducked her head down and disappeared...I felt bad but I mean cmon, with every stroke she took, I could feel my hairs literally being removed from my head...it was OUCH....
Then Off I went to the mall, to check out a few beds...My younger sister was with me...She's a shopaholic...I warned her "Look D, Im only going in one store only to check out the beds, Im not here to shop and go around Ok???" Innocently she replied "I only need a few things wont be long" Little did I know....We spent 3 hours!!! 3 darn hours, with me following her from shop to shop....She felt bad and said to me "You know, You dont have to frown and complain, you can leave me here, I will take a cab back home" Umm yeah right as if I will let her do that....Then after nagging her she said "You know, you have become an old bore, you need to chill out!!!" Hmm, maybe she is right...I think I do need to chill out...but how and when...and where???
Ok, I have received emails from my former colleagues in Baghdad, and this is what they had to say about Zarqawi's death:
This is from W
We all good in here and there is nothing good happened in Iraq since zarqawi death but we hope it will be better
S said:
Mabrook alena kulna(Congrats to all of us) the death of this kalb ibn elkalb(this is an Iraqi expression which simply means dog, son of a dog, used in same way as Jackass)....I really hope things will get better, but I'm not very optimistic about that...but we shall see what's gonna happen.
So basically its the same sentiment...We are all extremely glad that he is gone, but from what we have seen already, people have lost faith abit but can only hope that things will improve after... what counts though is the fact that there is still that tiny glimmer of hope...
Back to my Trip from Hell...AFter having sweated my glands out in the C130, we arrived in Kuwait around 8pm their time...KBR bus came and took us from the plane to the designated area of passport/DOD cards control...I felt like Im part of a herd of sheep....Our turn comes, and HUBBY tells the lady at the counter that he lost the visa sticker he got when he first entered Kuwait 2 years ago...She looks at him, then says "Sorry sir, you have to wait to get a new visa, come back between 2am and 4am" I look at HUBBY and say no freakin way...Then I said isnt there any other way, we really are exhausted...No Maam, she says, this is the Kuwaiti government, he cant leave the gates without the visa...
Then my turn and I proudly presented her my CAC card with my visa sticker on and a huge smile covering my face (trying to show off, that hey Im not irresponsible, I actually kept the sticker)...She says "Maam, Im sorry but we have to confiscate your CAC card cuz its expired and you too have to wait for a visa to be issued" OMG...I said why????I have the visa!!! "Sorry Maam, we have to get you a new one..." Hmm, I look at HUBBY and say "Ok this is where all the fun begins, we have like 6 hours to kill in this desert, where do u fancy to have dinner tonight???" HUBBY gives me his usual shrug...Theres this young man called Issa or something who also helps out with the visas, he saw that we looked really lost and needed some help...He said, listen, theres a 24 hr Mcdonalds, and a coffee shop, why dont you just make yourself comfortable and relax...
So in six hours, I showed HUBBY that I can play table tennis, darts, and run faster than him...It was fun, I have to admit...At 2 am sharp we were in the office, the lady gave us our passports back, but told us that the next bus out to the hotel is at 5...There is no way I was gonna wait till 5...Im tired, Im dirty, and I just want to go to bed....So she says well you have to find a ride with someone...There was a Major, standing there, she asked him if he was going downtown..He said that he was...I looked at him with my innocent eyes, and said Can we join you, we need to get to our hotel...He then told me to ask the driver taking him..I asked, and made sure to show the driver our luggage so he wont get the shock of his life when we get into the car...
He was really nice and said no probs...That was around 215am...We get into the back seat, finally able to relax...There was another guy with us apart from the Major...30 mins into the drive...HUBBY and I realised that the guy driving has no clue where he's goin...Apparantely he turned out to be new to the country..Hmm, this is just great, just our luck...They were looking for a certain hotel...We kept going round, and round and round...Until HUBBY suggested that it might help if they stop somewhere and ask someone...So they asked him if he can do it in Arabic...HUBBY was more than happy...
We stopped at a compound and asked the security "do u know hotel so and so???" man replies yes "how do we get to it please???" You see this road, you go straight, you come to a traffic light, you turn right, you then continue straight and the hotel will be on your right" Then the man adds "once you get there, just ask someone"...We do exactly what he said but no hotel on the right, nor on the left...We stop yet again and ask someone who gives us same BS, then adds, when you get there, ask someone(why the hell cant they just say NO, we dont know the place, why do they have to give some utter bs directions, that made me dizzy and wanna throw up, then adds ask someone there, I really dont get it)...We just kept goin on and on in circles, passing the same darn building a zillion times...I looked at my watch and it was nearly 4am...One more hour and we coulda gotten the bus....grrrrrrr
It was three hours later, without any exxageration, from the moment we got in the car, to the moment we reached our hotel...By that time, I literally was a zombie...didnt care where I slept...I just needed a bed...It appeared that the Villas KBR rent out in the hotel in Kuwait aint mixed ofcourse, so HUBBY and I had to sleep in different in villas...At that time, I didnt have any energy to complain, I just need a darn bed and a shower please if you dont mind....But we couldnt sleep much cuz at 8am we had to do a medical...
Met HUBBY did the medical that was just a bunch of 8 sheets which we had to read and answer, simple, easy peasy, we came all the way to Kuwait to answer whether we were traumatised by any way, or feel strange in any way...I mean fine decent questions, but hey, I just wanted to go home...Thank God, we gave in our gear at the airport, but we had to get a receipt...The guy was so rude that I couldnt contain myself from saying "Hey, it helps alot if you chill out abit and smile" I think I shocked him with my words and he nervously said "Im sorry but I have an ear infection and I' m not in a good mood"...Oh well...I guess many of us need to chill out...Im certainly one of them...I know, maybe its time for Chocolate...Chocolate Indulgence...
June 09, 2006
Another Trip from Hell....
After having slept almost 10 hours, Im in my full mental capabality...I realised that its been ages since I have slept this long...Wowwww...and it feels so good, believe me...I still woke up with an aching back though...I think Im in need of major TLC...Ever since we left Iraq, theres this strange nagging feeling...HUBBY said the day we left, that he left a piece of himself there...He actually pointed to his heart when he said it...And Im thinking umm, yeah and Im some kind of blood clot in your system....But it is true, it does feel strange being away...infact I myself at times Im not sure if it was a dream or reality that I was truely there in person...
I refuse to watch the news cuz I have OD'd on Zarqawi's death....All I can say is good riddance and hope he and his followers burn in hell...I wander, are all the martyrs that have been murdered on his bloody hands smiling right now through the windows of heaven??? They better be...I also hope that God is beginning to smile on us too...I really hope so...Its a little boost to Iraq's morale, and I pray many operations like this will take place so we can have an Iraq thats free from low life roaches that feed on Innocent blood....
Back to my personal life, Ive started unpacking (the story of my life, packing, unpacking...will it ever end...)...Everytime I get something out, I hold it close and remember moments, moments only I cherish, moments only I know of...Moments that are ever engraved in my mind...Its funny how time is different here in the normal world...A day there seemed like a month anywhere else...Time was always a major concern..Time was always a constraint...Time...
Last day we were in the GZ was a heart wrenching experience...The tears, the goodbyes, the hugs...I was almost choking with tears, especially when I got in the car on our way to BIAP...The security guy kept asking me if I was ok...And I just nodded my head, with tears flowing down my cheeks...I felt like a little girl not wanting to let go...but I had to...It was time...The next day was our C130 flight into Kuwait...We showed up in camp stryker around early afternoon...In the scorching heat of the desert...The departure time kept on changing...We sat in one of the airconditioned tents (thankgod for those)...HUBBY tried to sleep, and I began reading the book "a million little pieces" while listening to my IPOD...Every half an hour I would go and take a smoke outside...After a few hours of waiting they finally told us that the C130 will depart mid evening...So we decided to take a stroll in the desert towards the PX and have something to eat from Subway...I tell you, the sun made me feel so faint that HUBBY got me snapple drink, cuz he saw my face has turned white...
After taking our time, we went back to the tent and as I was on my way to the ladies, I decided to doublecheck on the time of C130...I reach there, ask the guy about the time, he looks at me scornfully, and says where have you been, the passengers have left already, if you run, you probably can catch up with them...OMG...No F****** way...I run to HUBBY, urge of peeing has disappeared miraculously from the shock...HUBBY is standing far away with a smile on his face...Im gesturing with my hands cmon, cmon quick, theyre leaving...He continues to smile...I began to frantically point at the gates and scream cmon dont just stand there, the plane is leaving...He shakes his head trying to figure out why his wife is acting neurotic in the middle of the desert...I swear, where he gets his calm I have no clue...
I started jumping up and down, pointing vigourously towards the darn gates (imagine, me, a petite person, carrying a backpack that is half my size, and my laptop bag jumping...not a nice sight)...He finally gets the point, runs to get our gear, gives me his huge laptop bag and we run...We reach the gate and its locked...I shout and scream at the guy who is leading the group towards the C130..Helloooo, Hellooooo excuse me, we are leaving too...He runs, opens the gate for us and says angrilly, Ive been looking for you all over...All I could say was sorry, I know...Ofcourse I looked like the hunchback of notredamn...Carrying stuff that weigh almost like me...I look behind me and HUBBY is struggling with the gear, I couldnt stop myself from laughing...I look at the people infront of me getting onto the C130 and see them running inside..Im like whats wrong with them, why do they have to run, the plane aint goin anywhere...
As I get closer, OMG, the heat, no heat is an understatement, the hell that opened its doors blowing a furnace in my face was unbearable..ontop of all that there was this strong wind blowing me backwards...I looked extremely funny, just like the movies...Im running so fast to get away from the heat and the wind is acting like my enemy...by the time I reached the inside, I knew why people were running....I felt my face melting..literally without any exxageration...I was awashed with sweat...I mean non stop sweating...The more I wiped it, the more it flowed...I never in my life thought that my body was capable of this much sweating...eeeewwww, I know...
A marine was sitting opposite me, and I felt kinda sorry for him, he looked really young, so I offered him one of the napkins that I was holding...I had to mouth to him that its clean...I think he cared less, anything will do at that moment...Half an hour into the flight and my sweat glands decided to finally take a break... I was sitting comfortably (yes comfortably believe it or not) in the C130 on the way to Kuwait....On the way to yet Another trip from Hell....
(to be continued...)
I refuse to watch the news cuz I have OD'd on Zarqawi's death....All I can say is good riddance and hope he and his followers burn in hell...I wander, are all the martyrs that have been murdered on his bloody hands smiling right now through the windows of heaven??? They better be...I also hope that God is beginning to smile on us too...I really hope so...Its a little boost to Iraq's morale, and I pray many operations like this will take place so we can have an Iraq thats free from low life roaches that feed on Innocent blood....
Back to my personal life, Ive started unpacking (the story of my life, packing, unpacking...will it ever end...)...Everytime I get something out, I hold it close and remember moments, moments only I cherish, moments only I know of...Moments that are ever engraved in my mind...Its funny how time is different here in the normal world...A day there seemed like a month anywhere else...Time was always a major concern..Time was always a constraint...Time...
Last day we were in the GZ was a heart wrenching experience...The tears, the goodbyes, the hugs...I was almost choking with tears, especially when I got in the car on our way to BIAP...The security guy kept asking me if I was ok...And I just nodded my head, with tears flowing down my cheeks...I felt like a little girl not wanting to let go...but I had to...It was time...The next day was our C130 flight into Kuwait...We showed up in camp stryker around early afternoon...In the scorching heat of the desert...The departure time kept on changing...We sat in one of the airconditioned tents (thankgod for those)...HUBBY tried to sleep, and I began reading the book "a million little pieces" while listening to my IPOD...Every half an hour I would go and take a smoke outside...After a few hours of waiting they finally told us that the C130 will depart mid evening...So we decided to take a stroll in the desert towards the PX and have something to eat from Subway...I tell you, the sun made me feel so faint that HUBBY got me snapple drink, cuz he saw my face has turned white...
After taking our time, we went back to the tent and as I was on my way to the ladies, I decided to doublecheck on the time of C130...I reach there, ask the guy about the time, he looks at me scornfully, and says where have you been, the passengers have left already, if you run, you probably can catch up with them...OMG...No F****** way...I run to HUBBY, urge of peeing has disappeared miraculously from the shock...HUBBY is standing far away with a smile on his face...Im gesturing with my hands cmon, cmon quick, theyre leaving...He continues to smile...I began to frantically point at the gates and scream cmon dont just stand there, the plane is leaving...He shakes his head trying to figure out why his wife is acting neurotic in the middle of the desert...I swear, where he gets his calm I have no clue...
I started jumping up and down, pointing vigourously towards the darn gates (imagine, me, a petite person, carrying a backpack that is half my size, and my laptop bag jumping...not a nice sight)...He finally gets the point, runs to get our gear, gives me his huge laptop bag and we run...We reach the gate and its locked...I shout and scream at the guy who is leading the group towards the C130..Helloooo, Hellooooo excuse me, we are leaving too...He runs, opens the gate for us and says angrilly, Ive been looking for you all over...All I could say was sorry, I know...Ofcourse I looked like the hunchback of notredamn...Carrying stuff that weigh almost like me...I look behind me and HUBBY is struggling with the gear, I couldnt stop myself from laughing...I look at the people infront of me getting onto the C130 and see them running inside..Im like whats wrong with them, why do they have to run, the plane aint goin anywhere...
As I get closer, OMG, the heat, no heat is an understatement, the hell that opened its doors blowing a furnace in my face was unbearable..ontop of all that there was this strong wind blowing me backwards...I looked extremely funny, just like the movies...Im running so fast to get away from the heat and the wind is acting like my enemy...by the time I reached the inside, I knew why people were running....I felt my face melting..literally without any exxageration...I was awashed with sweat...I mean non stop sweating...The more I wiped it, the more it flowed...I never in my life thought that my body was capable of this much sweating...eeeewwww, I know...
A marine was sitting opposite me, and I felt kinda sorry for him, he looked really young, so I offered him one of the napkins that I was holding...I had to mouth to him that its clean...I think he cared less, anything will do at that moment...Half an hour into the flight and my sweat glands decided to finally take a break... I was sitting comfortably (yes comfortably believe it or not) in the C130 on the way to Kuwait....On the way to yet Another trip from Hell....
(to be continued...)
An Eye for an Eye...
I was at the traffic light, in my car on the way to the furniture store....Lit a cigarette and was listening to radio Sawa, when the the first headline was "Zarqawi was killed in Iraq"...OMG... The cig magically slipped through my fingers onto the car's floor...Shit Shit shit...the cab driver behind me started beeping, the lights have turned green and my head is down trying to find where the darn cig fell.....by the time i found it, a crescendo of beeping began and the lights turned red...hehe...This time, I got my mobile phone out and called my brother to see if the news I just heard was true...You never know these days, I dont trust news agencies no more...So I needed another person to tell me if my ears didnt mock me...And YES YES YES, that low life criminal is gone....gone from the face of the earth...Gone from Iraq....
For a few minutes I was really over the moon....but then a few seconds later....I realised this is just like Saddam...I thought by capturing him, things will get better, but then tens of thousands of other Saddams appeared...The same with this low life scum...Many others will come out...And believe it or not, some tv channels have already made him a martyr.....I just wanted to throw my shoes and break the darn tv but the whole family was sitting there, so instead I went to my room and began poisoning my lungs....
One good news, coming out from Iraq...Finally....Again for a few seconds my mind wandered...wandered to how my Iraqi colleagues are reacting to this news...wandered about how I myself would have reacted had I been there now...My whole family was jubilent...we even got a few phonecalls of congratulations...But is it too early to start having hopes again...I dunno...shouldnt let pessimism conquer my thoughts...
Ive been outta Iraq over a week now...We had the trip from hell which I will write about in a later post...Nevertheless, I kinda feel free, yet weird at the same time...I see everything trivial...When I hear people complain about something, anything, I wanna shout and say hey, I was in Iraq and Ive seen people who really have a bad and hard life, so stop complaining...but ofcourse you cant just say these things...We spent a few days in London before coming here, and I kinda felt strange...Saw everything so decadent, so fake...Abnormal thinking, I know...Im sure I will go back to normal again...Or I hope I will go back to normal again soon...
Thats all from me for today...Its 2 am my time and Im exhausted..Havent been sleeping well...Will probably post something later on...Im in the process of furnishing our appartment...So have been going out and about, looking for stuff...No time to relax, no time to reflect on my thoughts...But there is this little time to be happy, slightly happy that the death of Zarqawi may be a good start...A Good start for the new Iraq...Now Its the time for dismantling the militia's and killing all the terrorists, be it Iraqi or not, anyone who is a member of any organisation that is responsible for murdering Iraqis has to get killed...This is it...Its either a hard fist or nothing...And to those who are mourning now the death of their Hero, I can only say...Shame on you...Your Hero has now joined Satan and his clan in God's Hell...May their torture be that of the utmost level...I hope you will join them in hell too....As the saying goes...An Eye for an Eye...
For a few minutes I was really over the moon....but then a few seconds later....I realised this is just like Saddam...I thought by capturing him, things will get better, but then tens of thousands of other Saddams appeared...The same with this low life scum...Many others will come out...And believe it or not, some tv channels have already made him a martyr.....I just wanted to throw my shoes and break the darn tv but the whole family was sitting there, so instead I went to my room and began poisoning my lungs....
One good news, coming out from Iraq...Finally....Again for a few seconds my mind wandered...wandered to how my Iraqi colleagues are reacting to this news...wandered about how I myself would have reacted had I been there now...My whole family was jubilent...we even got a few phonecalls of congratulations...But is it too early to start having hopes again...I dunno...shouldnt let pessimism conquer my thoughts...
Ive been outta Iraq over a week now...We had the trip from hell which I will write about in a later post...Nevertheless, I kinda feel free, yet weird at the same time...I see everything trivial...When I hear people complain about something, anything, I wanna shout and say hey, I was in Iraq and Ive seen people who really have a bad and hard life, so stop complaining...but ofcourse you cant just say these things...We spent a few days in London before coming here, and I kinda felt strange...Saw everything so decadent, so fake...Abnormal thinking, I know...Im sure I will go back to normal again...Or I hope I will go back to normal again soon...
Thats all from me for today...Its 2 am my time and Im exhausted..Havent been sleeping well...Will probably post something later on...Im in the process of furnishing our appartment...So have been going out and about, looking for stuff...No time to relax, no time to reflect on my thoughts...But there is this little time to be happy, slightly happy that the death of Zarqawi may be a good start...A Good start for the new Iraq...Now Its the time for dismantling the militia's and killing all the terrorists, be it Iraqi or not, anyone who is a member of any organisation that is responsible for murdering Iraqis has to get killed...This is it...Its either a hard fist or nothing...And to those who are mourning now the death of their Hero, I can only say...Shame on you...Your Hero has now joined Satan and his clan in God's Hell...May their torture be that of the utmost level...I hope you will join them in hell too....As the saying goes...An Eye for an Eye...
