neurotic Iraqi wife
June 13, 2006
Silence is Golden....
Im newsed out, depressed out and decided to become unphased yet again...Ever since that day at the mall, I'm feeling too exhausted to leave the house...Stayed in yesterday, stayed in today, and shooed goodbye to my plans of furnishing my flat...Yup...The whole excitement has gone out the door...One major contributing reason is my depression, the scond reason is the fact that the flat I got didnt feel right the second time I saw it...I mean theres something about it...The colours, or actually the mismatch of colours...I go into the bathroom, and my eyes gaze upon, a light green bath tub, a pink toilet with bidet, and a white wash basin!!!! I mean hellooooo, why??? Ofcourse there are more things that I didnt like, and the fact that HUBBY wants a fridge with an icemaker, doesnt make things easier...I measured fridge, then went and measured space of kitchen...I started laughing hysterically...If that fridge goes in, I will have to choose between 2 options....
First option, place myself in one of those pancake makers, so I can be as thin as a crepe (with my current weight I dont think I can go any thinner, or else I will disappear)...or second option invent a device that will do the cooking, the cleaning and the washing with me controlling it from the comforts of my bedroom...I think second option fits me best...After having conveyed my thoughts to HUBBY who is miles away in the US, he asked me to look for somewhere else...If fridge doesnt fit he says, then I dont want flat...Hmmm...I never thought that an object will be the decision maker here...He then adds sympathetically and if you dont feel comfortable in it honey, why stress yourself, go find somehere else...
So there I go, searching for another nest...With my mom's help, I found somewhere close by...Immaculately done and clean...A kitchen that can, fit me, the fridge and three robots if I chose...But problem is flat not available... guy who is supposed to give us an answer, keeps promising tomorrow he will find out...when tomorrow comes, he gives an excuse, and says tomorrow I will know for sure etc...So I have been sitting on my ass for the past few days waiting and waiting and waiting for that tomorrow...Oh and ofcourse having a go at HUBBY who keeps telling me I should cheer up cuz this is supposed to be a fun experience...Umm yeah HUBBY...Although I have been notoriously known for my impatience and short temeperedness, I think after Baghdad, it has become even more so... Extremely snappy and irritable...
Then there is my sense of smell...I always had a strong sense of smell... always...I mean one time...Long time ago... I was out for dinner at this 5 star restaurant when I recognized a smell I terribly hate...Dunno the exact name in english but in Iraqi its called "Zafara" eeewwwww...Its that smell when you dont wash the dishes with dettol after having eggs...Just writing about it now makes me queazy...Anyhow, so I start sniffing my plate...it had it...asked waiter to change plate...smell still lingered.. sniffed my dad's plate, asked waiter to change it... sniffed mom's plate, asked waiter to change it..Then I got up in the middle of restaurant (I kid you not) and started sniffing the whole table...In the end, I asked waiter to change everything(we couldnt change tables since the place was overbooked) ...Needless to say by then my appetite disappeared and I sat there sulking... now, after coming back from Baghdad, my sense of smell has become even more sensitive...I have no idea what perfumes my mom and sister put on, but I tell you...I can smell them miles away, I immediately develop a severe headache and start my bout of complaining...I too use perfume, but not as pungent...
When I told Mom what a horrible perfume she was using she became all defensive and said "ever since you came back, you are different...You have no taste anymore...you probably got used to the smell of burning trash, you're clothes are those of a pauper, you look like a thin rake and your moods have become worse" I wanted to say "Bravo, bravo" followed by a set of clapping...Wowwww they finally realised that I aint the same person...Took them what??? A week??? Hmm, not bad....But OUCH on the sense of dressing...
Yes I confess, I still wear my Khakis that I have killed in the past year in Baghdad, my plain white tshirt and my pink sneakers...I mean cmon whats wrong with that??? I do vary from white tshirt to a black one if need be...But a pauper??? Ok fine, the pants are a bit shabby at the bottom, cuz they're long and I tend to shuffle when I walk..But who cares...I wear what makes me comfy and not what other people wanna see...Im quite sure she will have a nightmare if I would put on my best pair of jeans (which I also killed in Baghdad)...They tore at both knees...lol...I dont think I will hear the end of it...Then adding insult to injury she tears my ear drums with her advice "Forget about Baghdad and live your life...You are young, you should be out and about right now...This is your time...This is..." And here I disappear, retreating slowly back to my room....regretting that I opened my big mouth and complained about the darn perfume...sorry mom...
While Im here living in my Khakis, HUBBY is busy shopping for suits...I thought shopping therapy is just for women??? Have things changed while I was away???Apparantely he doesnt want to stand out when living here...Abu dhabi (capital of the UAE) is somehow a fake environment...But definitely by far low key than Dubai...In Dubai, if you dont own a Merc or BMW you are considered a nothing...I hate Dubai, and can never see myself living or working there, although job opportunities are more ample than here...Abu Dhabi on the other hand is more of a family oriented kinda place, more subtle, more relaxed...But you still have to live up to poeple's standards...And I being myself, absolutely loathe that philosophy...I may have accepted it in my 20's when I infact was one of those high heeled chicks that always had to look good even when going to the local store to buy some gum, sheesh...The things we do when young...But now, I dont care....I dont care what car I have as long as it takes me from A to B...I dont care what pants I wear, as long as im comfortable...I dont care what shoes I have on as long as I can walk in them...
I cant blame HUBBY for having a sudden obsession with suits..I mean every male I know that lives here with the exception of locals, goes to work in a suit...Which gave HUBBY a culture shock when he first visited my parents to get to know them before we get married...There he was, the only male, with pleated chino's, a polo tshirt and a pair of brown Sebagos...My kinda guy sans the pleats...But I guess he figured it pretty fast...Who you are, here, is what you wear...Fat chance I will be getting any interviews...I think the GZ suited me perfectly for its simplicity...Hmm...maybe it was a bad idea to leave...Its gonna be quite a challenge to get used to many things around here...The strong perfume...The unsolicited advice...The dinners, the lunches, the obligations...Oh and keeping my tongue in tow...I cant say I have changed much in that department...I mean I have always been known for my bold tongue (in Iraqi the expression is "ilsanee tuweel")...Oh and not forgetting the Tomorrow that everyone promises...and never comes...
I just found out a few hours ago that Bush is in Iraq...wander what wheeling and dealing is taking place with Maliki...Oooops, sorry Im in my unphased mood...Better start practising to give my tongue to the cat...Maybe then, instead of getting the "You should get out more, eat more, dress like a woman...bla bla bla" lectures, I will get the "Did the Cat Get Your Tongue???" As the saying goes...Silence, Silence is Golden...
First option, place myself in one of those pancake makers, so I can be as thin as a crepe (with my current weight I dont think I can go any thinner, or else I will disappear)...or second option invent a device that will do the cooking, the cleaning and the washing with me controlling it from the comforts of my bedroom...I think second option fits me best...After having conveyed my thoughts to HUBBY who is miles away in the US, he asked me to look for somewhere else...If fridge doesnt fit he says, then I dont want flat...Hmmm...I never thought that an object will be the decision maker here...He then adds sympathetically and if you dont feel comfortable in it honey, why stress yourself, go find somehere else...
So there I go, searching for another nest...With my mom's help, I found somewhere close by...Immaculately done and clean...A kitchen that can, fit me, the fridge and three robots if I chose...But problem is flat not available... guy who is supposed to give us an answer, keeps promising tomorrow he will find out...when tomorrow comes, he gives an excuse, and says tomorrow I will know for sure etc...So I have been sitting on my ass for the past few days waiting and waiting and waiting for that tomorrow...Oh and ofcourse having a go at HUBBY who keeps telling me I should cheer up cuz this is supposed to be a fun experience...Umm yeah HUBBY...Although I have been notoriously known for my impatience and short temeperedness, I think after Baghdad, it has become even more so... Extremely snappy and irritable...
Then there is my sense of smell...I always had a strong sense of smell... always...I mean one time...Long time ago... I was out for dinner at this 5 star restaurant when I recognized a smell I terribly hate...Dunno the exact name in english but in Iraqi its called "Zafara" eeewwwww...Its that smell when you dont wash the dishes with dettol after having eggs...Just writing about it now makes me queazy...Anyhow, so I start sniffing my plate...it had it...asked waiter to change plate...smell still lingered.. sniffed my dad's plate, asked waiter to change it... sniffed mom's plate, asked waiter to change it..Then I got up in the middle of restaurant (I kid you not) and started sniffing the whole table...In the end, I asked waiter to change everything(we couldnt change tables since the place was overbooked) ...Needless to say by then my appetite disappeared and I sat there sulking... now, after coming back from Baghdad, my sense of smell has become even more sensitive...I have no idea what perfumes my mom and sister put on, but I tell you...I can smell them miles away, I immediately develop a severe headache and start my bout of complaining...I too use perfume, but not as pungent...
When I told Mom what a horrible perfume she was using she became all defensive and said "ever since you came back, you are different...You have no taste anymore...you probably got used to the smell of burning trash, you're clothes are those of a pauper, you look like a thin rake and your moods have become worse" I wanted to say "Bravo, bravo" followed by a set of clapping...Wowwww they finally realised that I aint the same person...Took them what??? A week??? Hmm, not bad....But OUCH on the sense of dressing...
Yes I confess, I still wear my Khakis that I have killed in the past year in Baghdad, my plain white tshirt and my pink sneakers...I mean cmon whats wrong with that??? I do vary from white tshirt to a black one if need be...But a pauper??? Ok fine, the pants are a bit shabby at the bottom, cuz they're long and I tend to shuffle when I walk..But who cares...I wear what makes me comfy and not what other people wanna see...Im quite sure she will have a nightmare if I would put on my best pair of jeans (which I also killed in Baghdad)...They tore at both knees...lol...I dont think I will hear the end of it...Then adding insult to injury she tears my ear drums with her advice "Forget about Baghdad and live your life...You are young, you should be out and about right now...This is your time...This is..." And here I disappear, retreating slowly back to my room....regretting that I opened my big mouth and complained about the darn perfume...sorry mom...
While Im here living in my Khakis, HUBBY is busy shopping for suits...I thought shopping therapy is just for women??? Have things changed while I was away???Apparantely he doesnt want to stand out when living here...Abu dhabi (capital of the UAE) is somehow a fake environment...But definitely by far low key than Dubai...In Dubai, if you dont own a Merc or BMW you are considered a nothing...I hate Dubai, and can never see myself living or working there, although job opportunities are more ample than here...Abu Dhabi on the other hand is more of a family oriented kinda place, more subtle, more relaxed...But you still have to live up to poeple's standards...And I being myself, absolutely loathe that philosophy...I may have accepted it in my 20's when I infact was one of those high heeled chicks that always had to look good even when going to the local store to buy some gum, sheesh...The things we do when young...But now, I dont care....I dont care what car I have as long as it takes me from A to B...I dont care what pants I wear, as long as im comfortable...I dont care what shoes I have on as long as I can walk in them...
I cant blame HUBBY for having a sudden obsession with suits..I mean every male I know that lives here with the exception of locals, goes to work in a suit...Which gave HUBBY a culture shock when he first visited my parents to get to know them before we get married...There he was, the only male, with pleated chino's, a polo tshirt and a pair of brown Sebagos...My kinda guy sans the pleats...But I guess he figured it pretty fast...Who you are, here, is what you wear...Fat chance I will be getting any interviews...I think the GZ suited me perfectly for its simplicity...Hmm...maybe it was a bad idea to leave...Its gonna be quite a challenge to get used to many things around here...The strong perfume...The unsolicited advice...The dinners, the lunches, the obligations...Oh and keeping my tongue in tow...I cant say I have changed much in that department...I mean I have always been known for my bold tongue (in Iraqi the expression is "ilsanee tuweel")...Oh and not forgetting the Tomorrow that everyone promises...and never comes...
I just found out a few hours ago that Bush is in Iraq...wander what wheeling and dealing is taking place with Maliki...Oooops, sorry Im in my unphased mood...Better start practising to give my tongue to the cat...Maybe then, instead of getting the "You should get out more, eat more, dress like a woman...bla bla bla" lectures, I will get the "Did the Cat Get Your Tongue???" As the saying goes...Silence, Silence is Golden...
8 Comments:
NIW,
You do have PTSD. I'm sorry but I chuckled when I read your comments about depression. I wrote almost the exact words a year ago. I thought I had a mild depression, not PTSD.
When I got back, I felt flat. I was driving to work when I was nearly broadsided by a car that ran a red light. I didn't even blink; I felt like saying "So what?" There were occasional spurts of anger that even surprised me at times.
I hope to be able to return to Iraq someday when it's peaceful. I wish you could have seen the country outside of the GZ. Many of times I've looked out over the countryside and wondered at how many centuries have mankind walked on that soil. I briefly stopped in Babylon on my way back from An Najaf. The history before my eyes amazed me.
Consider seeking counseling.
R1
I think you may be pregnant. The intensified sense of smell is a big symptom along with the impatience etc. You may want to check if you you are not certain. Good Luck
best of luck with the move dear. i cant imagine how difficult it may all be
I'm curious .. how did Bush showing up in Bagdad with 5 minutes notice make you really feel? I mean, sheez, if i were a head of state of a new nation trying to find it's identity and some big wig just shows up unannounced for a photo op ... i would be pissed! How do unannounced guests showing up for their own adgendas at your home make you feel? .... good? But really, how did it make you feel?
NIW,
I don't know about the pregnant part, but the PTSD sure sounds accurate. Our tiny community experienced one event, a landslide that killed 10 of our friends and neighbors and seriously injured a few more, and I don't know any of the survivors who didn't suffer from PTSD. I know a couple of people, who are still in therapy a year and a half later. Everyone tries to act normal, but none of us are really the same as before the landslide.
You lost several people you cared about and lived under the CONSTANT threat of a fatal attack for a year. You're not going to just suddenly be all "happy go lucky" like that's not a significant event in your life. You are forever changed. But, if your reactions and behavior are not acceptable to you, or how you want to be, get some help in adjusting and working through the aftermath of your experience. Without it, you could end up being very unpleasant for you, or anyone else, to live with for years to come.
You've been traumatized. It's not a normal life event and it's unlikely that you have the necessary tools or training from your past to deal with it. Be kind to yourself. You've already suffered enough. Asking for help indicates wisdom, not weakness.
Breathe.
Give up your silly analysis and relax. Life is what you think it is.
Look at the psychobabblers naming diseases that you are attracting. Is that who you want to be? Have a great life, which also means have a great attitude. There is good right where you are and I know you know that. The magic is right here.
Raven, no I dont seriously...I probably got used to some other way of living and finding the "normal"way difficult to adapt to...Yes I wish I saw the rest of Iraq...I remember when I was a little kid we would visit Karbala and I would see the fields, they were amazing...I dont know about now...
Anon, Lol no, I doubt it very much Im pregnant, for obvious reasons...wont divulge into it here... ;-)
Ram, hey long time no hear...How r u??? I used to check your blog, but there were times when u stopped writing for a while..hope all is ok with u....
Seth, my answer to you is in my La La Land post...
Anon, Hmm...Maybe I should read more about this PTSD...ANd study the symptoms....But i wasnt under constant threat...Im one of those that fear thunderstorms over mortar attacks...Thats another story...But now Im curious..I wanna know if I have this PTSD...
Sol...Yes...I agree with you in a way...I am who I make myself to be...The saying goes..."smile and the world smiles back at you"...But I aint smiling now cuz theres nothing to smile at...I will try though...
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