neurotic Iraqi wife

PTSD....Since Ive been getting emails and comments that I might have PTSD, I was curious to find out if I did...Did a google search and this is what I got:

1- re-experiencing the trauma: flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive memories and exaggerated emotional and physical reactions to triggers that remind the person of the trauma. The only time I can say was traumatic for me was when H got kidnapped, but that was a year ago...
2- emotional numbing: feeling detached, lack of emotions (especially positive ones), loss of interest in activities. Hmm feeling detached??? maybe...Lack of emotions, doubt it, Im extremely emotional...Loss of interest in activities, yup for sure, but thats just a phase...
3- avoidance: avoiding activities, people, or places that remind the person of the trauma. Well I aint in Baghdad to avoid places or people that remind me...Infact all I do think about are the memories of Baghdad....
4- increased arousal: difficulty sleeping and concentrating, irritability, hypervigilance (being on guard), and exaggerated startle response. Difficulty sleeping, yes most definitely but thats because my mind is thinking 24 hours a day...Concentrating...Hmm, I aint doing anything that requires concentration, so thats a no..Irritability, oh yessssss, I think my mom will vouch for that...Hypervigilance, nope....Startled response, nothing to be startled about, no mortars or rockets, even then I never was startled....

Conclusion, I aint suffering from PTSD...So rest assured cuz I also did a google search on depression

Symptoms:
Feeling sad or blue: Definitely
Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities: YES
Significant weight loss or weight gain: Hmm, lemme go weigh myself...well, first day I arrived here, I was 44 Kgs(10 days ago)...Now Im 43...That aint significant
Inability to sleep or excessive sleeping: Definitely
Agitation or irritability: YES YES YES
Fatigue or loss of energy: No energy what so ever....
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt: Hmm, I dont feel worthless... guilt, yes, but not extreme...
Thoughts of death or suicide: DEFINITELY NOT!!!

Conclusion: Minor bout of depression...

Besides I did go out today...Yes finally I saw the light...No, not the light of wisdom but the sun light...A few friends of mine from last year's election days, called me up and asked to get together...I havent seen them for quite some time now, so I decided to give it a go and join them for a coffee...After I showered, I decided to once again take a look at myself in the mirror...Maybe by some magical power, I developed cheeks, darn bags disappeared and those nasty crow wrinkles diminished in less than 24 hours...Umm, Fat chance...The mirror laughed back...But who cares...I aint gonna fret about it...As for my clothes, I automatically put on my worn out jeans, and yes you guessed it...my white tshirt(dont worry I have like 7 white tshirts that look exactly the same), and my infamous pink sneakers....Grabbed my make up bag, bronzer...check..blusher..check...lipstick...check..lipgloss...check....and hey presto I was ready to go...

As I was heading out, my parents stood there looking at me with utter shock....I smiled and said, hello...Bye....Dad asked where I was going...I answered very briefly, meeting my friends...Mom looked exuberant, probably thinkin that her daughter has managed to get half her brain back...And into the lift I disappeared...

I have to admit, It felt awkward at first seeing the bright light of the sun..I stood for a few seconds infront of the building attempting to inhale some of the fresh air...The minute I took that long breath I broke out with a fit of coughing...I coughed until I thought my lungs were gonna jump out...It totally skipped my mind the vast humadity that infested me...My shades fogged up in a matter of seconds and I felt my hair sticking to my forehead..Oh well...Made my way towards the car..I wouldnt have recognized if it wasnt for its odd orange colour...Umm yeah, its orange...its not really my car, its my dad's office car that no one really uses...The dust it accumulated in the past 5 days is just unbelievable...But who cares...As long as I can see the road...

In 5 minutes I was in the cafe, saying my hello's to my friends...S said OMG, you lost so much weight...Look at you...I just rolled my eyes up and said please dont start...H said I looked the same which was a relief...We sat down and chatted like no tomorrow...It was fun and Im glad I went...It was only towarsd the end that I was asked about Baghdad...And thats what I liked about this outing...The whole time we were talking about different stuff...events and news...Gossip and people...I felt normal...And my laughter filled the air....it Felt really good to laugh...Pandora's box did open, but this time it was opened very slightly...and with care...

I cant wait for tomorrow to come...Saturday is the day when the guy will give us the answer about the flat I liked...I think Ive pretty calmed down now...In the phase of "whatever happens, happens for the best" The mantra I use when all else fails...I havent watched the news for 2 or 3 days now...But I did read on yahoo news that a Shia mosque has been targetted today...Many were killed and many more were injured...The daily saga in Iraq...The never ending Saga in Iraq...Operation forward or Operation backward wont make that much a difference...Although it is just the beginning and probably we should give them time...Maybe just maybe those terrorist cells will be erased from the face of the earth, just like Zarqawi's destiny...But I rather have that happen sooner than later....Without any more innocent people dying....Ok I better shut up before I become emotional...

For now, Im just gonna wait for tomorrow....Tomorrow's Sun Shine...The rays that I so much miss...The Rays of Yet Another Day...