neurotic Iraqi wife
June 12, 2006
Tiny Tears in the Dead Sea...
I received an email last night from a former colleague of mine in Iraq...She said that our sector got a letter of "Non Performance" and that the Program manager took the responsibility and was given the boot...Am I surprised, Nope not at all...I knew they were gonna get rid of him soon cuz he was useless...Dont get me wrong, as a person, he was a nice guy, easy going and took alot of blows with patience...But it was him that kept ignoring HUBBY's and the other Iraqi Expats' opinion on how things should be done...He failed us, He failed the program and most importantly he failed the Iraqi people by not making the right decisions...
I called HUBBY (He is in the States right now) and told him the news...He immediately said Im gonna write him an email and say "what goes around, comes around" I told HUBBY thats not nice, even if he wasnt a great manager, I think its bad to gloat...I guess HUBBY still has this anger inside of him, I dont blame him, I know its difficult to let go, especially when he took his work too personally because he was doing it for his people...But things were bound to go wrong...
There were no plans from the start...They got the IRRF funding, obligated the money, gave the projects to US corporations and didnt even look at the details...Whose fault is it??? Its everybody's fault...The US government for starters, the organisations that were given the money to find the contractors, and the contractors themselves...Bad management from the start...But the government leads that came later on, realised this, tried to rectify it as much as they can...One disadvantage though was the 4 month rotation..They were in the Air Force, so every 4 months someone new has to come...
By the time the Government leads understood the problems, work so hard to solve the issues, it was time for them to leave and so on...I say this again, the last 2 terms of Airforce were simply the best...This current one though, I cant really make a judgement...I only worked with them for 3 weeks, and in those 3 weeks, I didnt see the same hard work or commitment their predecessors showed... Anyhow, I think I should just detach myself from the whole thing, its too exhausting...
As for Pandora's box, dont think I can put a lock on it...No matter how much I try, I will always wanna open it, always wanna take a peek inside, always wanna live the moments...I realised if I choose not to, then I will be fooling myself... But as one of the commenters said "Imagine what the soldiers go through" Yes true, this is probably nothing compared to what the soldiers go through everyday...Scenes of dead corpses, scenes of their own friends being drenched in blood...What must their mind go through at such moments...What does their mind go through when they pull that trigger...They pull the trigger for the first time in their lives, killing someone not because they want to, but inorder to defend themselves???Ive seen them, some are barely 18 yrs of age...How does their life change???
Infact what Im going through is nothing compared to what the Iraqis see everyday...The children, the children who one minute were sitting peacfully with their families having dinner and the next minute they are staring at bits and pieces of flesh scattered all around them, flesh of their dad, their mom...The only people that promised to protect them from the unknown, the only people they trusted, the only people they thought will always be there, but are gone...And it happens....everyday...We dont hear much about it in the media, the media that is too busy with playing the blame game...But believe me it happens...What do you think the future holds for these children??? These children who in a matter of seconds become Orphans...What kind of dreams would they have??? Or actually what kind of nightmares...Waking up at night drenched in sweat screaming "mama, baba, please dont go away, please dont leave me...I will be a good girl now, I will not fight with my brother anymore"...how will they carry on with their lives???
How about the mothers...The mothers who carried their babies in their wombs for 9 months, who never thought that they will outlive their children, who always tried their best to protect their kids from any harm...What about them??? How do they live their lives and carry on when their only hope has been stolen from them....How much guilt would they be going through???No wailing, no screaming will bring back their little children, their babies...Their flesh and blood Stolen from them in a matter of minutes...
So Yes I might be going through a bad time...But when I sit and think about the stories I was told, the realities that people tend to ignore cuz all they care about is whether Bush was right or wrong...Then No, my feelings are nothing, my feelings are just tiny drops in the Ocean, Tiny Tears...Tiny Tears in the Dead Sea...
I called HUBBY (He is in the States right now) and told him the news...He immediately said Im gonna write him an email and say "what goes around, comes around" I told HUBBY thats not nice, even if he wasnt a great manager, I think its bad to gloat...I guess HUBBY still has this anger inside of him, I dont blame him, I know its difficult to let go, especially when he took his work too personally because he was doing it for his people...But things were bound to go wrong...
There were no plans from the start...They got the IRRF funding, obligated the money, gave the projects to US corporations and didnt even look at the details...Whose fault is it??? Its everybody's fault...The US government for starters, the organisations that were given the money to find the contractors, and the contractors themselves...Bad management from the start...But the government leads that came later on, realised this, tried to rectify it as much as they can...One disadvantage though was the 4 month rotation..They were in the Air Force, so every 4 months someone new has to come...
By the time the Government leads understood the problems, work so hard to solve the issues, it was time for them to leave and so on...I say this again, the last 2 terms of Airforce were simply the best...This current one though, I cant really make a judgement...I only worked with them for 3 weeks, and in those 3 weeks, I didnt see the same hard work or commitment their predecessors showed... Anyhow, I think I should just detach myself from the whole thing, its too exhausting...
As for Pandora's box, dont think I can put a lock on it...No matter how much I try, I will always wanna open it, always wanna take a peek inside, always wanna live the moments...I realised if I choose not to, then I will be fooling myself... But as one of the commenters said "Imagine what the soldiers go through" Yes true, this is probably nothing compared to what the soldiers go through everyday...Scenes of dead corpses, scenes of their own friends being drenched in blood...What must their mind go through at such moments...What does their mind go through when they pull that trigger...They pull the trigger for the first time in their lives, killing someone not because they want to, but inorder to defend themselves???Ive seen them, some are barely 18 yrs of age...How does their life change???
Infact what Im going through is nothing compared to what the Iraqis see everyday...The children, the children who one minute were sitting peacfully with their families having dinner and the next minute they are staring at bits and pieces of flesh scattered all around them, flesh of their dad, their mom...The only people that promised to protect them from the unknown, the only people they trusted, the only people they thought will always be there, but are gone...And it happens....everyday...We dont hear much about it in the media, the media that is too busy with playing the blame game...But believe me it happens...What do you think the future holds for these children??? These children who in a matter of seconds become Orphans...What kind of dreams would they have??? Or actually what kind of nightmares...Waking up at night drenched in sweat screaming "mama, baba, please dont go away, please dont leave me...I will be a good girl now, I will not fight with my brother anymore"...how will they carry on with their lives???
How about the mothers...The mothers who carried their babies in their wombs for 9 months, who never thought that they will outlive their children, who always tried their best to protect their kids from any harm...What about them??? How do they live their lives and carry on when their only hope has been stolen from them....How much guilt would they be going through???No wailing, no screaming will bring back their little children, their babies...Their flesh and blood Stolen from them in a matter of minutes...
So Yes I might be going through a bad time...But when I sit and think about the stories I was told, the realities that people tend to ignore cuz all they care about is whether Bush was right or wrong...Then No, my feelings are nothing, my feelings are just tiny drops in the Ocean, Tiny Tears...Tiny Tears in the Dead Sea...
8 Comments:
NW, it is bad idea for your husband to write nasty email to this guy. In this world you don't know when you might be working with or even for this guy again and it is not good idea to burn you rbridges this way.
I'm a young American who reads your posts everyday. The two things I would like to say are one that you convey your feelings through your writing very well. I almost can see the pain you describe when I read your posts. I also wanted to say you're so right about the media and the focus on whether the government/Bush was wrong or right. Because the only 'right' answer now is that it doesn't matter. I hope and pray for the suffering in Iraq to stop. Thank you for giving people like me a snapshot of what it is like over there. -MB
You are right in thinking that 4 months is not enough time for the Air Force units to be there. That's why Army units are there for a year. My husband also oversees building projects. But because he's there for a year, he has time to get to know the area and the people, make needed changes, and see the implementation of his changes. In four months you are just starting to settle in.
I'm hoping for so much more for Iraq.
Your posts, especially the ones about the Iraqi people, are gettiing better and better and better and ...
This one was a killer. Totally.
Iraqi children are scarred for the next many years. How they will raise children of their own remains to be seen.
The most noble work any of us can do is for the children of Iraq as the children of any conflict.
Re: Reconstruction
From what you say, it sounds like awful conditions (insurgency, violence) and bad management (too high of turnover, failure to listen to advice, etc) were the main problems you saw--not immorality or corruption. However, if you did see Americans engaging in corruption or illegal acts, I sure would appreciate it if you would tell the guys at http://www.sigir.mil/
My only interest in this is that people who enriched themselves at Iraqis and Americans expense be punished. I just hate corruption. The only way we keep it from getting out of hand in this country is to punish people who do it--about 1100 people per year are prosecuted for official corruption in the USA.
And, if you have trouble sleeping, they have a full array of audit reports on Iraq reconstruction, with exciting titles like "Interim Audit on the Review of the Equipment Purchased for the Primary Healthcare Centers Associated with Parsons Global Services, Contract Number W914NS-05-D-0006"
Anon, I know...And I think he knows better...Just like you said, its not a good idea to burn bridges...Its just that, he feels hurt...
MB, thanx again for your kind words...Yes the media...And their darn lies...I only try to give a perspective of what I hear and see from my former colleagues...Im trying to bring more attention to the people who succumbed to their destiny unfairly...And also I have a selfish reason behind writing...For me writing is a form of therapy...It relieves me from my stressful state....
Sighsofmylife..Yes the army has a rotation of one year, which in effect is far more productive...4 months policy, I never understood the policy behind it...When I asked some of the AF guys, they just said these are the rules from the start..Doesnt seem logical to me...
gbaikie, hmmm, yes maybe true, Sadr witnessed the murder of his family right infront of his eyes...But I hope the children, the Iraqi children will NOT end up loonies like him...I pray to god that that will never happen...
TAI, this post is a result of frustrations and anger that people have to know about...People that are sitting comfortably in their homes, watching news and making judgements, unfair judgements on Iraqis...
Jeff,I dont wanna disappoint you...But I was one of the first people that read the sigir reports when I was in baghdad...was one of my many tasks since the PHC's and the medical equipment was part of the sector I was working in...Although I know the inspector general is doing his job...but instead of taking sides...he should have been more neutral and unbiased, and not siding with parsons all the way...most of the time....
You have been through a lot and
your feelings do count and your
Mother should be more understanding of what you have
been through.
Millions of people have been
scared by the events in Iraq.
And I assure all of the soldiers who later find out that they killed
an innocent at a checkpoint ...or
called in an airstrike on the wrong house have very very deep scars.
Many American soldiers who fought
in Vietnam have gone back to visit the land in order to help
reconcile what they have running through their minds even after many many years ....
Someday you will be able to return to a new Baghdad and walk the streets and you will able to take solace in the fact that you
made a contribution.
adjust
Anon, I dont think I should blame my mom...I mean poor thing she is trying to help out as much as she can....But I guess Im the one who needs to be understanding that their lives havent changed...That they continued in their usual ways...Its taking time...but I will get there....
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