neurotic Iraqi wife

Yesterday for the third time in a row, I refused to go out, and stayed yet again in the vicinity of my room...Infact I was just furious with the man who is supposed to tell us about the other flat...Instead of him saying "tomorrow" I will find out, he now said by Saturday I will know...That just freaked me out and made me lose my temper big time... I charged back to my room and slammed its door.... I think I used to do that when I was 10, but now??? A women in her early thirties crying and slamming doors??? OMG, what have I become into....

It doesnt stop there, I immediately called HUBBY, who thankfully was done shopping for suits...I just exploded in his face, crying my eyes out... As if it is the end of the world....With his calmness, and his words, my erratic crying turned into slight whimpers... He then tried to ask if there was something else bothering me apart from the flat... I couldnt tell him...No way!!! How can I tell him that I miss Baghdad...How can I tell him that I miss my work... I mean I was the one who kept nagging him to leave....Convincing him of a better life.... Little did I know...But HUBBY knows me better, he said in an ever slight sarcastic tone "Do you wanna go back???" Uhoh I thought to myself, and immediately answered "Are you kidding me???, theres no way I wanna go back to that hell hole" Hmmm, what else could I have said....

After hanging up, I made my way back to the TV room, were my parents were sitting....As I came near the door, I overheard them talking about me...I dont usually eavesdrop but when my name came up I was curious to hear the conversation...I tiptoed, and stuck my head as close as I can to the wall...

Mom: Your daughter has become erratic, losing her temper on the slightest thing...
Dad: She is just under pressure in trying to get everything done before her husband comes here
Mom: What can we do to help her??? She is not going out, she is not eating...
Dad: I guess she needs some time...

Then I banged my head when I heard footsteps coming near...I ran tiptoing back to my room, and sat on my bed acting as if Im reading my book....My dad started calling my name with his roaring voice(he has one of those distinct voices, that if you talk to him once, you will definitely remember him the second time)....I immediately got up and ran to him...

Dad: Have you calmed down yet???
Me: No, I hate this place...Im not used to waiting...When I was in Baghdad I used to get my answers from people in a second...And if I didnt, I would try and find out myself, and not just sit waiting like an idiot...
Dad: Well this is not Baghdad, and you have to learn to become patient
As soon as he said that word I splurted out the coffee I was drinking, and started coughing berserkely... I think it went through my lungs...
Me: I said patience??? What patience...The guy keeps saying Tomorrow...
Dad: Well he is trying his best, he keeps saying he wants to please us
ME: Look dad, I dont care, he wants to please us, or he doesnt..these things dont count for me...He eithers knows the flat is occupied or not...Bloody hell, I think I will go to the darn building, and ask for myself...
Dad: I think you need to calm down...Its not the end of the world...You always take rash decisions then regret them....Just relax, dont think about it...

Oh well, I guess so...I do need to relax...BIG TIME!!! I think working continious hours in Baghdad, having no time to even address my social behaviour, is taking its toll on me... I get phonecalls from my siblings asking if Im ok...Yup I am... Why dont u come over???No thanx I wanna be alone...Why??? Cuz I dont wanna talk...Why??? Ughhhh, cant I choose not to talk??? Well yes but this is not healthy...Yesssssss I know...So why dont you come over, we can order in...Im not hungry...You havent eaten for the past few days...(Hmm, now where did they find this out...I think my mom called them up one by one and told them about my behaviour)...Yes I havent eaten, cuz I aint hungry...Can I hang up now???And so my story continues

Come today, and my aunt came over...I havent seen her for ages... As I went to say hello, she gave me the pinching cheeks treatment..."Oh look at you...(oooohing and aaahing while pulling one side of my cheeks to its infinity) I flashed her one of my smiles, and said its nice to see you too...I like this auntie, infact I like all my mom's sisters...They all have an easy going air about them.... This aunt of mine was married when she was just 14...Yup thats how things were then...I think she is in her late 70's now...I cant imagine anyone getting married at that age ...eeewwww...14, barely a kid.... But I do know that some tribes in Iraq still do marry off their girls young, just after she gets her period, she is considered to be of marital age....

Auntie I, who unlike the rest of my relatives, continued living in Baghdad until her husband died 2 years ago...There was nothing wrong with him, he was old... yes, but quite healthy...Rumours have it, he died from depression....After his death, she tried to continue staying in Baghdad but things got really bad, and so she opted to leave and travel between here, Amman and Spain where her kids reside....

Just before lunch, I was asked the dreaded question(well one of them anyway) :How is Baghdad??? Uhoh...here we go again...Pandora's box opening yet again??? Umm Baghdad is fine, you know the same...Nothing new really, car bombings, kidnappings, killings....She nods, yeah I know...her son in law is a very well known Dr. over there...He got so many threat letters, that he moved his whole family to Amman...All Dr's, Professors, Teachers have been targeted...what a shame....

Then the next dreaded question....infact not a question but a factual statement...She goes "Well, its good you are here now, settling down, and making babies" MAKING BABIES!!! OMG....Umm Auntie I, I dont think thats on my mind right now...Her face got all contoured up and said with a slight shock in her voice "why ever not???Its time...You are not young" Hmm, Im only 31, I said...Yes 31, thats old, your womb will rott....eeewww just the thought....Umm Aunti I, Havent you heard about the 70 yr old woman in England who gave birth??? The look on her face was priceless "WHAT???You say 70???" Yup I answer very calmly...Seven Zero...I continued "The medical field is so advanced now, that you can have kids whenever you want, at whatever age..." I wanted to continue and add "And this stone age, backward thinking of having kids just after gettting married because its what the social scene demands of you, IS NOT MY THING..." But I thought better not....Its a good time to practise swallowing my tongue....

Just before she left, she touched my hair and said "You look awful...youve lost weight, you have no cheeks no more, and you have bags underneath your eyes...you should eat" Hmm, isnt it just lovely to listen to these words every waking hour of my day...Oh but she didnt stop there, she continues "If it wasnt for your hair, people wouldnt even look at you" OMG, LMAO....OUCH...Thats exactly what I love about my family...Their straight forwardedness....But did I really look that bad????

I couldnt wait for her to leave and I scrammed to my bathroom mirror... I looked at myself and I was horrified at the person staring back at me...OMG, my aunt is right...I look ghastly... Dark circles below my eyes (havent been sleeping well)...White ashen face (havent seen the sun in days)....Collar bones portruding and I dont think they can go any further.... Hmm, I faked a smile just to check my crow wrinkles...Shit....they have worsened....Oh well...C'est la vie...I think I need to look for a job ASAP...

One of the presentations that I used to prepare is due today... I sent an email to my supervisor, R, and asked him about it...I cant let go...darn...He sent me back saying:
We miss you immensely. Have not filled your position yet,even though we're trying. We will eventually fill the space, but never the spirit that you exuded.I would normally have responded later when I could send a complete e-mail. But knowing your interest in the presentation, which is this afternoon at 1530, thought I'd give you a heads up in the event you feel a chill around that time (whatever your time zone), you'll know the cause.
Lol, I think I did feel a chill...Last night, I spent the whole time looking at photos...Photos from then...Photos of friends....Photos of good times...Shit it seems like a long long time ago...Who woulda known, a month ago.. like this time, I was sitting at my messy desk...working numbers and looking at spreadsheets!!!

Oh and BTW, I cant help but comment on Bush's unannounced visit...I know I shouldnt really talk about that stuff cuz it exhausts me..But I mean cmon, Atleast Al Maliki should have been told a day before hand...Not like 30 minutes or an hour prior to visit...There are protocols to follow...I think the unannounced visit gave a really bad signal to the Iraqi population...I mean OK, for security reasons, granted...but atleast give some respect to the supposedly sovereign country...Im sorry but thats just my opinion...

I think I better go now... (If you need some painkillers for the headache I gave you from my nonsense blabbing then please dont hesitate to ask, I have plenty of those)...Im gonna go and continue reading my novel....Maybe just maybe my mind will drift away...Away into La La Land....