neurotic Iraqi wife
June 11, 2006
Pandora's Box...
Letting go...Letting go aint easy, not for me that is...Letting go of people, letting go of emotions, letting go of stuff...Never was easy, and I dont think it ever will be...There are certain memories that I cant seem to forget, and forgetting them would make my life much easier, much simpler...And a warning this is just a venting post, so if youre sick and tired of my whining then a piece of advice from me, stop reading here...
Memories of people, good ones, bad ones, are in my mind, and since all I wanna do is just be alone and contemplate, Ive been having loads of flashbacks...I mean loads of them...Memories that I buried deep inside and was surprised they surfaced back again...Today I had to go and visit one of my bestfriends, she's moving, and I havent seen her for quite some time now..She asked me about Iraq, and my experience...I told her about the people I met, the places Ive been, I told her about my work...I explained to her how people live, live just for the moment...They live without really experiencing life...Souless souls roaming around...Thinking that any second their lives may be gone, may disappear from the face of the world...Then I remembered H...H was a guy who worked closely with HUBBY...He was kidnapped a month after I got to Baghdad, and till now he wasnt found, nothing...not a corpse...and not alive...He has 5 kids...And i also remembered the last conversation I had with him, a day before he disappeared...
We were talking about life in general...I was complaining then, complaining about HUBBY and about WOB...He said "you know, life is too short, you should enjoy it while you can...Forget negativity, forget pessimism" He continued "I believe in God, and I believe that if he chooses to take my life now, then Im comfortable..." These were his last words to me, to me personally...Just telling the story to my friend brought tears to my eyes...I remembered something I have buried deep down, I remembered a memory that at the time caused me to have a nervous breakdown...It was July of last year...Wow, and he's gone...
Its difficult to let go of such things, and yet at the same time its difficult to continiously remember...Right now, my heart feels constricted...I dont feel too good...I guess yet again its a syndrome of being in Iraq...But I shouldnt feel this way..I mean I wasnt in the army, nor in the front lines, so I cant say I have seen corpses, I have seen dead people, I have been traumatized... I cant have PTSD...Must be something else...After H's story I went to another and another and another...It was like Pandora's box...All sad, depressing stuff, that probably made my friend feel uncomfortable...But I continued, and then I realised that the room has become silent...I immediately said sorry, didnt mean to depress you guys, just wanted you to know how things are over there...Then another person asked "is their reconstruction taking place???"
Sure I answered, definitely there is reconstruction taking place...but slowly very slowly...Eyebrows were raised, and I said hey, I worked there, so I know...I then felt extremely claustrophobic and just wanted to leave...I looked at my watch (hasnt been working since Baghdad) just a gesture to show them Im late for something...infact I had nothing lined up...Wanted to get out of there and come back home to be alone...To sit here and write...write about how Im feeling...Just let it out...Cuz I know that in a few hours I have to pretend that all is Ok...I have to flash my smile infront of my family while im breaking inside...So again I ask, is this normal???
I know I wont get any answers, I rarely do...Another flashback, another memory...I feel like a video tape is being played right now in my mind...One that was laid on one of many empty shelves, one that has accumulated dust and thought would never be played again...But it is...especially today...I look at the screen of my mind, and I try to reach these memories...Im trying so hard to touch them, to feel them again..Maybe I wanna live them again...But I know thats impossible...I try to press pause...to capture the moment, but the control of my brain is stuck, stuck on play...And that feeling, the feeling of emptiness is overpowering...
Maybe its time...Time to put a lock on Pandora...Pandora's Box...
Memories of people, good ones, bad ones, are in my mind, and since all I wanna do is just be alone and contemplate, Ive been having loads of flashbacks...I mean loads of them...Memories that I buried deep inside and was surprised they surfaced back again...Today I had to go and visit one of my bestfriends, she's moving, and I havent seen her for quite some time now..She asked me about Iraq, and my experience...I told her about the people I met, the places Ive been, I told her about my work...I explained to her how people live, live just for the moment...They live without really experiencing life...Souless souls roaming around...Thinking that any second their lives may be gone, may disappear from the face of the world...Then I remembered H...H was a guy who worked closely with HUBBY...He was kidnapped a month after I got to Baghdad, and till now he wasnt found, nothing...not a corpse...and not alive...He has 5 kids...And i also remembered the last conversation I had with him, a day before he disappeared...
We were talking about life in general...I was complaining then, complaining about HUBBY and about WOB...He said "you know, life is too short, you should enjoy it while you can...Forget negativity, forget pessimism" He continued "I believe in God, and I believe that if he chooses to take my life now, then Im comfortable..." These were his last words to me, to me personally...Just telling the story to my friend brought tears to my eyes...I remembered something I have buried deep down, I remembered a memory that at the time caused me to have a nervous breakdown...It was July of last year...Wow, and he's gone...
Its difficult to let go of such things, and yet at the same time its difficult to continiously remember...Right now, my heart feels constricted...I dont feel too good...I guess yet again its a syndrome of being in Iraq...But I shouldnt feel this way..I mean I wasnt in the army, nor in the front lines, so I cant say I have seen corpses, I have seen dead people, I have been traumatized... I cant have PTSD...Must be something else...After H's story I went to another and another and another...It was like Pandora's box...All sad, depressing stuff, that probably made my friend feel uncomfortable...But I continued, and then I realised that the room has become silent...I immediately said sorry, didnt mean to depress you guys, just wanted you to know how things are over there...Then another person asked "is their reconstruction taking place???"
Sure I answered, definitely there is reconstruction taking place...but slowly very slowly...Eyebrows were raised, and I said hey, I worked there, so I know...I then felt extremely claustrophobic and just wanted to leave...I looked at my watch (hasnt been working since Baghdad) just a gesture to show them Im late for something...infact I had nothing lined up...Wanted to get out of there and come back home to be alone...To sit here and write...write about how Im feeling...Just let it out...Cuz I know that in a few hours I have to pretend that all is Ok...I have to flash my smile infront of my family while im breaking inside...So again I ask, is this normal???
I know I wont get any answers, I rarely do...Another flashback, another memory...I feel like a video tape is being played right now in my mind...One that was laid on one of many empty shelves, one that has accumulated dust and thought would never be played again...But it is...especially today...I look at the screen of my mind, and I try to reach these memories...Im trying so hard to touch them, to feel them again..Maybe I wanna live them again...But I know thats impossible...I try to press pause...to capture the moment, but the control of my brain is stuck, stuck on play...And that feeling, the feeling of emptiness is overpowering...
Maybe its time...Time to put a lock on Pandora...Pandora's Box...
4 Comments:
NIW,
You do have PTSD. I don't know how anyone could serve a year in Iraq under the current conditions and not suffer.
One of my comments is that people who have never been to war can never understand it. They can think they understand. They can imagine what its like. But they're only fooling themselves and irritating others. They will truly never know. I think they're the lucky ones.
It's important to keep talking to hubby. He has to let you know what he's feeling and know what you're feeling. I've seen too many marriages fail when that communication stops and the stress builds.
When I came back, I was off in my own world. I didn't care about much. If no one was going to die, then who cares? My family didn't understand. It took a while for me to re-engage and luckily my wife was very understanding.
You're not alone.
R1
What you are going through is perfectly normal ... by all means
it is better to talk about it with your friends then to keep it burried.
I would like to point out in addition can you imagine how
The US Soldiers feel who are on patrol every day ... and some who are in
Iraq for the third time ...
How their memories will haunt them
when they are finally home??
I assure you that all people involved will have a great deal
of bad memories and difficult periods in their lives for quite a few years .... So continue to Blog and speak with your friends
and family you are not alone many many others are going through the same thing.
I apologize for kind of just "barging in", so to speak. I don't comment on stranger's blogs very often.
I'm an old VN vet. What we used to call a "grunt". I have no idea what infantry soldiers are called now. From my perspective, what you're going through is a form of PTSD and should be considered more the norm for persons just out of a combat situation. Re-connecting is very hard and time helps most, but not all. Please keep talking to someone that can actually understand what you have lived through. You may or may not be more comfortable talking to a professional instead of close family. Its up to you. You've held together very, very well and stood up to a lot. There's no shame in it taking a toll on you. It takes a toll on all that have encountered similar things. It just manifests itself differently in different people.
Do not clam up. I speak from bitter experience on that. you can't keep it inside forever. Won't work. you need an outlet and preferably with someone that understands.
Hey R1, No seriously I dont think I have PTSD and Im not in denial, its just that I guess its a slight depression accompanied with some guilt...Seeing how everyone lives, carrying on with their lives when I know that where I have been people are dying...Im trying to get it out of my system by writing...It will take time...
Anon, yes very true...I think there are people who are worse...Hence my feelings are nothing compared to these men and women...Im talking here abt both the Iraqis and the MNF (multi national forces incl US)
Michael, Pls dont use the word barging in...Everyone is welcome to read my posts if they want to...And Im glad to know I aint the only one...Although it saddens me to know that there are people, and im sure plenty who served in war torn countries that go through difficult times trying to adjust back again to living normal lives...It is difficult, and my only salvation to get out of it is I guess write abt it...I hate talking to people, cuz at times I feel that they might not understand...and that I will be burdening them...I know its a phase...I just cant wait for it to be over...And hey thanx for your words, and thanx for reading my post...You take care now...
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