neurotic Iraqi wife

I tried not to spend time on blogging as I still havent done with packing...I know I know..I take ages...If you only you could see the size of our rooms here, you wouldnt blame me...I can barely move in it, let along pack the stuff I have gathered for the past year....

I went to work late today, and as I was saying hello to Dr A, HUBBY told me that Dr A was about to get blown up because of us...I was shocked and said how???Apparantely Dr A wanted to get an Iraqi sweet called Min Il Sima (literally translates into from the sky)...Its a very well known sweet here and very yummy...The best known place that sells it is a shop called Al Khasaki...which unfortunately got blown up....Why did it get blown up, nobody knows...The so called insurgents target everything that is successful, everything that brings joy to the Iraqis....They know no mercy...They want Iraq to fail....They blow up water pipes, they blow up generators...For Gods Sake they started putting bombs in dead bodies and detonate them...They are criminals and I pray that they will burn in hell....

As today is my last day here, Im trying to capture every moment, every word before leaving this place...Im really leaving with a heavy heart...I know HUBBY feels the same, yet I wanna be held close, I wanna be hugged and be told that things will be ok...But HUBBY is dealing with it on his own, leaving me all alone with my thoughts and my feelings....

I got many hugs today from my colleagues and believe me I had trained to keep my tears inside...I told myself I must be strong, I must not give in to my emotions...As I walked for one last time, from the office towards my room, my tears started flowing uncontrollably....I couldnt wait to get into the confinement of my room so I can let it all out....Im heartbroken...Literally heartbroken...Im gonna miss this place...I really will...

I wanna share a few emails with you that really uplifted my spirits and showed me that what we have done here will not be forgotten....

This is my email that I sent out to my colleagues....

Well, The time has come for us to leave…But this aint Goodbye..This is a “See You Soon”, For Goodbyes are painful, and goodbyes mean that we will never meet….

I wanna thank everyone I worked with, for all their hard work, and their patience with me and my moods…I wanna thank especially my fellow Iraqis, who risk their lives everyday by coming into work…I want to tell you that you are the future of this country, do not give up…I know life is hard outside in the Red Zone…I know that you have suffered and will suffer, but please do not give up…Iraq needs you…

In the past year I have seen you grow and become leaders…Do not let anyone tell you otherwise…Do not let anyone put you down because you are “Passionate and emotional” about your work…Stand up for your right, Don’t be shy, don’t fear anyone…Learn as much as you can, while you can…This is an opportunity for all of you…I know I sound like an old preacher, but believe me, I AM PROUD to be an IRAQI and to have been given the opportunity to come here and work with all of you…

To my fellow Expats, I wish you all the success after here, and may our paths cross again, sometime…someplace…Thank you to all of you…

The time here was spent like a rollercoaster…One day up, the next down…I have cried, I have smiled, I met great and kind people…I saw people come and I saw people go…It was hard for me at times to say Goodbye …But I know that one day we will meet again…

And this is some of their emails to me:
This is from R
I’m happy that I met you 1 day , but Unfortunately it was for short time After I recognized how nice & stable personality you have !
Really when I read your sentences about us my eyes were full of tears cause I knew that you really feel that not just words .
XXXX you are great & lovely person , I really wish you all the best from all my heart .
This is from S
Being the passionate and emotional person that you know….I couldn’t read your beautiful words without having my eyes full of tears…you touched my soul with your kind words…we are all proud to be Iraqis…and we are all proud of you…you are a very lovable persons….I can’t tell you how much we are going to miss you!
This from another S
My tears are already coming on my checks while I am reading your message, even though I always try not to cry when somebody is leaving but not this time.
I am sure you will have much better quality family time together and a brighter future insha’allah.
My best time is when my beautiful and clever girl was sitting next to me at the back under the clock! Now this clock is ticking. Thank you for the good time
This is from O
Neither my words nor my emotions can help me tell how much it was wonderful knowing you, when I think of an honest, brave and faithful friends, my mind will always think of those nice husband and wife that changed all the people around into one group of friends and all the hard time into a smile. I never hesitated ones asking for help or favor from my old brother and his wonderful wife as their hands and hearts were welcoming all the people around. Now and since I definately don't need to let this all go away, I would like to ask you indeed to stay in touch and to visit my house, be our guests once you decide to be with your family and fellow Iraqis one day. My heart, home and family will be honoured to have you with us in one of the beautiful real Iraqi nights.
Wish you a nice and safe trip. Iraq will miss you
Thank you so much for all of your noble feelings and pleasentful time

It is words like these that make my heart full of joy...It is words like these that make me love every moment that I had spent here...It is words like these, that makes all the hardship worthwhile....As I write this, my tears are already flowing...I cant help it...Im sorry, for words cant describe what Im feeling right now...This is the end of the Chapter...The end of Chapter Baghdad...The end of Chapter Green Zone...The end of an Amazing Chapter...

Ive waved goodbye to the beautiful date trees...Ive waved goodbye to my friend the Moon...The Moon that was forever my friend, my shadow when I used to walk the road alone...This is my last post...My last post from Baghdad...And Im feeling like a Stranger...A Stranger in the Night....

Just abit more than 24 hours left for us here...How do I feel??? I dunno...very mixed feelings, but Im kinda overwhelmed from what we did yesterday...Yesterday for the first time ever during the whole year I have spent here and almost 16 years from the last time I was here on vacation, I ventured out into the RED Zone....Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...I didnt think we were gonna pull it off, but after nagging HUBBY for a long long time, he finally gave in...I guess he felt guilty that he's seen it and I havent...

Its an amazing feeling, gives you a different perspective...I have finally seen my country...I can now leave comfortably...I have finally seen Baghdad...Yesterday was one of those really hot days...We were given a vacation to mark memorial day, but I still went to the office to get some files and save my emails on a hard drive...you never know what might happen...HUBBY told me that there may be a chance of us going out with one of our colleagues..I didnt really believe him so I didnt have any expectations...When W called us and said he was waiting outside..my heart jumped...I grabbed one of my shawls incase I need to cover up...We walked until we reached the check point next to the planning ministry...HUBBY had to escort W in with his car...Then off we went from Mua'laq bridge out...out into the red zone...










We went to Karrada, Jadriya and Arasat..All the while I was sitting in the back seat sticking my head to the window...trying to capture everything in my own eyes...I jump like a little kid everytime I see something...Like a simple sign...Names of restaurants...Fruits stalls...Cars waiting in line for petrol..And wow what a line it was...cars upon cars waiting to get fuel...In this sweltering heat....










Oh and ofcourse I was forced by HUBBY to wear my shawl over my head, as to not stand out...How can I stand out if im sitting in the car???We stopped at a place thats known for its icecream, placed called (Faqma)...had the yummiest icecream ever(ofcourse I wasnt allowed to get out of the car)...
Could not believe that I can have such icecream here, here in Baghdad...Similiar to a banana split but instead with sliced bananas and a cocktail of icecream flavours....

This is the Ice cream place...Streets look normal dont they...



Then went to dinner to a place called Saysaban(finally I was able to get out of the car but had to stay covered up, and good thing I was, since all women I saw out had head scarves on)...Everything seemed almost like normal...You cannot tell this is a country torn by war...Families and their kids were having dinner....men smoking hubbly bubblies...I did hear in my own ears children's laughter as they played in the garden...


This is Saysaban...A beautiful place...You can smell the freshness of the grass...It also has fountains...their sound so soothing to the ears...what a contrast to the noise of helicopters we are used to hearing every single day...what a contrast to the noise of mortars, rockets and car explosions...



I asked W, how can the country be so unsafe when I noticed the vast amount of police roaming the streets...W said, this only proves to you that they do nothing all day long except drive their cars around, and holding their guns as if they are some kind of mafia...No one here believes in the police force...Almost everyone complains that the police dont really do anything to protect the Iraqi citizens...Its a shame really...

Between the wrecked and old shabby buildings, I also saw beautifully renovated ones, with modern shops underneath...All of them were closed though. I asked W why were they closed??? He said that this area was at one time the In place to be, but it has been targetted by insurgents and mobs of kidnappers, so everyone either abandoned the shops or moved to some other location....For a second and only one second I was able to imagine what Baghdad can look like if its given the chance to be a normal place...For a second and only one second, I was able to envision the streets, the shops, the cafes, just like in my previous post....People were out and about, but what you see on their faces is exhaustion...Sadness....Hopelessness...But nevertheless Resilience...

Although our trip was very limited, I enjoyed it alot, tried to take as many photos as I can all within the confinement of the car....HUBBY said that Im only seeing the good parts in Baghdad, the rest will make my heartbreak....During the trip, I saw many Huge sign posts of AL Hakeem...I also saw many black signs along walls with the name of the martyrs...It is true Baghdad is filled with those...Each and every family here has lost loved ones...be it now, be it during the Iraq Iran War..be it in the first GUlf war...Iraq has paid quite alot of lives and still there is no peace...I wander how many more will die, how many more will suffer....

I am leaving here with very little hope, close to none, but its there...Maybe more of a dream than hope...This is probably my last post ever from Baghdad...Im gonna miss it, miss everyone I met...But I know that one day I will be able to tell my kids and my grandkids all about this place...And maybe just maybe they will get to see the Baghdad, the Iraq we all envision...

It was a long day...Im still asking the question why...Im still wandering...But for now...Im satisfied..satisifed that I finally smelt the real Baghdad air, saw the real Baghdad streets...Yesterday for the first time I was a Tourist...A Tourist in Baghdad...

Im reaching the end of the chapter, the end of my journey, this may or may not be the last post I write before I leave, for there are many thoughts in my head that are fighting their way out, but dunno which should come out first..Im rambling I know...Bare with me...

I have always believed in God, always, ever since I was a child, I knew and felt his presensce...I would sit in bed and talk to him, just like my imaginery friend LTC H...But as I grew up, and accumulated more knowledge, I realised that its not only talkin and askin, you should do, but givingthanx and praying...And the more I learnt things about my God, the more I loved him, thanked him, and prayed to him...and believe it or not, the more comfortable with myself and the people around me I became...I was more serene then...more accepting...

Fast forward and Im here, Im scared to say it but im losing that faith...Losing it cuz of what I see and hear around me...I cannot continue saying this is God's will, cuz its not God's will for unborn babies to die...It is not Gods will for 5 year olds to get shot, it is not God's will for women to get raped and murdered..No, for if that was God's will, then that is no God....As Im writing this my heart is pounding for I know its wrong to question, but at the same time, I need these answers desperately...I need these answers to rest my so called exhausted soul...They say life is a test...You are here cuz you are being tested...At the same time they say God knows everything, sees everything before you even do it, so how can we be tested if the results are already known...There are 2 roads, we either take the good one or the bad one...but the end result is known...you either go to heaven or you go to hell...

My Logic is fighting its way, and Im scared that it will win the race...I see good people around me, pure and chaste, yet they are living in the worst circumstances ever...Is this God's will??? Answer me, is it??? I dunno anymore, I think Im losing it...Losing it big time...and you know what, Im scared...

Im scared for this nation, for it has bled until no more blood can be shed...Im scared for the people, for they stayed strong until their strength is waning...Im scared if tomorrow ever comes and there wont be an Iraq...I am scared...I truely am...These feelings are intensifying...intensifying day after day...the hopes have become fears, and the fears have become a reality...I ask God, why??? Why this??? Why???

I get no answers, I get silence...A deafening silence into a vast space....I hear the echo of my WHY's in my mind, repeating itself over and over again....I put my hand over my ears...Wanna shut the echo out, I press so hard until my ears ache, but to no avail..The echo is stuck right here in my mind....I try to sing a little song, try to imagine a peaceful place, try to see gardens and kids running around...filling the air with their beautiful laughter....I try to imagine the sky so clear, and couples having a stroll hand in hand with the icecream wagon passing by...I try to imagine the chirping of the birds while they fly away...I try to imagine cafe's and restaurants lining up the streets filled with happy families, socialising together, eating, having fun...I try to imagine street vendors filling up their stalls, waiting for people to search through their produce and joke around...I try to imagine women strolling down an avenue entering into boutiques buying sexy lingerie to have fun when they are with husbands....I try, Im trying trying so hard to imagine but the darn echo is still there.....

And when I close my eyes, I dont see gardens, Instead I see barren earth, void of life....When I close my eyes, I dont hear children's laughter, Instead I hear womens' wailing, wailing for their kids deaths....When I close my eyes, I dont see a clear sky, Instead I see one filled with emergency helicopters filled up with wounded soldiers and lifeless corpses...When I close my eyes, I dont see couples hand in hand, Instead I see dead men, dead women...laying there in the garbage, like some unwanted product...When I close my eyes, I dont see cafe's and restaurants, Instead I see burnt buildings, filled not with happy families, but with families that have no homes, yet their only haven is a burnt building that is half standing....When I close my eyes I dont see street vendors, Instead I see stalls covered with blood, human blood, scattered parts, body parts...When I close my eyes, I dont see women strolling in avenues, Instead, I see women getting kidnapped, raped...

I ask why...And I will keep asking why...It is bleak, you dont believe me, you dont believe the others, that is your choice...but I ask you why??? God said theres only one set of Foot prints in the Sand.....A poem, that I lived by ever since I was a child...

This is gonna be a quick one (writing it during my lunch break btw)...But worth a mention...Lets call it a journalistic scoop...Today on the 25th of May 2006, the first of the 142 Primary Healthcare clinics(the one I have mentioned a few posts ago) have opened its doors in Sadr city...Finally one good news story out of this morbid city...I will post pics as soon as I get them, hopefully by this evening... (since Im leaving I dont care if they will kick me out, hehe, hope I aint breaking any rules...But atleast I had first hand experience in this one success story)

This post is dedicated to the one person who presevered for two years here, and finally he got to see one, got to see the fruit of his labour, got to see one of his 142 babies born, although 6 months late but better late than never....The failed program that cost the US government millions of dollars, has one tiny success story...Way to go....After all those arguments and sleepless nights, after all the complaining you have done and getting ignored, youve made it...You ve made it, Congrats to you and to the Iraqis....

I always liked my name...Its different and not very common...I was told it was my aunt's choice...Thanx Aunti L...Although I have to admit that last week, I did hate my name..infact loathed it...My Boss R, kept calling it like literally 10 times in 3 minutes, until I exploded in his face (poor guy, he has taken so much sh.. from me lately) I said you know R, I always loved my name but today, you made me swear at my aunt for choosing it for me...UGHHHHH)Almost all Arabic names have meanings (I googled the site so please dont give me BS cuz its a shia site) unlike the west...Or are after certain historical people...So whats in a name???...

You know you are in Iraq when ...
your name is the sole reason behind your death...

Yup thats the truth...If your name is Ali, Omar, Hussein, Othman say goodbye to your life....Isnt that just amazing??? Look at the (takhaluf) backwardness these criminals live in...

HUBBY told me a story about an aquaintance who often goes and visits the Ministry of Health. This ministry is a Sadr supporter...But Omar being the smart guy he is, always told them that his name was Ali, or Abu shihab....A few days ago as he was going in, an old neighbour of his saw him and being Iraqis we always tend to greet each other in a way that makes the whole street hear it...The man runs along...hugs Omar, ooops I mean Ali and shouts to him "Hey Omar, where have you been, havent seen you in a long long time" Omar just stopped in his tracks (uhoh he thought to himself) as he realised the guards at the door started staring at him, staring at him with murder in their eyes.....He didnt know what to say...or do...Shall he tell his neighbour that he's mistaken and that he aint Omar???(the neighbour would probably make a scene and insist that he aint blind)Or just give up and forget about ever entering the ministry...One of the guards, asked him with venom in his voice "I thought you told us your name is Ali???" Omar began to stutter..."Umm, yeah bu..." the guard then shouted "Get out of here and if I ever see you around I will literally cut your legs off" Omar just scrammed outta there waving goodbye forever to visiting the ministry....Story is kinda funny but in reality Iraqi people's fates are really dependent on what their name is....Sad but true...

You know you are in Iraq when...
You cant wear a cross in public...

I found out yesterday that one of the maintenance guys working here got murdered while driving back home in his car...He was a christian...It is believed that he got killed because of his faith...The mass media tends to concentrate on just the two sects (Sunni's, Shia's) forgetting that Iraq is also made up from Christians, Yazeedi's, Turkmen, and ofcourse Kurds.... But it is also the Christians that are targets, targets of death....

You know what..Im just gonna go into my unphased mood again because the stories Im hearing here everyday drains you out...it literally does...You hear them, you wanna do something to make things better but you know that no matter what you do or say the situation will not change...So I always, always end my conversation with "Allah Kareem" (God is generous or hopefully things will get better)...Again the feeling of being lame overcomes me....

I have been thinking quite alot about trying to help the colleagues here...If you have any suggestions please do tell me or email me, cuz Im running out of ideas...The question of Visas, does anyone know of any country that gives visas to Iraqis easily??? Dubai used to be at ease with Iraqis but now after the kidnapping of their guy here, dont think that will be the case...There are people here who havent sat in a plane...Who get mesmerised just by looking at photos on the net and ask me "does this place really exist?"...."Is it true that there is a hotel made from ice???"..."Is it true that you can find jacuzzi's in hotel rooms"...I listen to them with my heart breaking...Literally breaking...They have this hunger...this hunger to see the world...to experience life...To live...So Im gonna make it a priority to find out how I can help in any way...Please anyone out there reading, do pitch in with ideas...

A colleague of mine, in her late thirties, early forties has been living for the past 18 years with her disabled sister....Both her parents have died long time ago...each of her siblings got married and left after the first Gulf war, leaving her alone taking care of her sister A....She said she tried everything she can, taking her sister's medical papers to consulates/embassies but to no avail...No one is willing to help...Although she is one of the strongest women I have met, when it comes to the topic regarding her sister you can see the hurt, the pain in her eyes...I would have never guessed the circumstances she is living in...Never...When I suggest putting her sister in some kind of clinic, she laughs sarcastically and tells me "Where???here???you are not serious, are you???" Again horrible Miss Lame knocks my door...

I have taken part in the reconstruction efforts, thinking at first what a historical moment Im living in...but in reality there is no history with all the mayhem taking place outside my so called GZ prison... I was a witness to some failed projects, and millions of dollars lost....I was also a witness to seeing smiles on children's faces when their schools got renovated (pictures only mind you)...You ask anyone who works here..anyone who has come here to really help out...ask them whats the most rewarding thing...they will answer the smile, the smile of the Iraqis...Although I havent stepped out of those horrible T walls, I did experience the smile factor a few times...

We are into single digits now...in a few more days we will be outta here...It hit me last night when I finally started packing...It also hit me today when I gave a few things away...I got hugs and thank you's and please dont forget us...Think of us for we will really miss you...Yes I will too, I will miss the Smile...The Iraqi Smile...

Last night was pretty heavy...Heard about 6 or 7 explosions outside the GZ...They were quite loud ones...As I was reading emails and surfing the net, I heard a weird noise, like some kind of metal landed on the floor behind my room in the vacuum....Then the security told us we are under lockdown because of some small arms fire...It hit me...It was a stray bullet...Wow...I wasnt really shaken but all I can say this isnt the first time the GZ is targeted nor is it the first time a stray bullet or a rocket lands within the area...

A colleague of mine, came to work today looking really distressed...We asked her what was the matter, she said, my cousin...my cousin got killed last night...He was shot...I didnt know what to say except, how???where??? She said in the Shaab area...He works with some Japanese company there..A group of armed men hurled in and shot everyone...Just like that...Then someone who knows my cousin went and called my uncle...who rushed to the scene to make sure it is my cousin and if it is to take his body...As my uncle tried to carry my cousin...A car exploded and now my uncle's leg has to get amputated....HUBBY and I just sat silent..All I was able to come out with was Wow...Felt really stupid...but what can you say in such a situation...."Im sorry to hear that"??? Well hell yeah I am sorry but what will that do...It was actually strange for her to come into work since in our culture when there is death in the family, there is a period of mourning...I guess she just wanted to get out of that atmosphere...atmosphere of death...

A few hours later...Another colleague of mine received a phonecall from her daughter who lives in Amriyah...Telling her that there are now groups of militias who would stop any woman in the street not wearing a scarf over her head and would shave her hair off...My colleagues sister was one of the victims....Fatwas have also been issued...No men are allowed to wear jeans..No men are allowed to have a goatie...No Women are allowed to wear trousers....Can you believe this SHIT??? And where is the darn government???The government is deciding who takes the Defense ministry and who takes the Interior one....Wowwww!!!! People are getting killed left center and right all under the eyes of the government!!!

Iraq is now being ruled by militias..Badr militia...Mahdi militia...Zarqawi's criminals...Bin Laden's merceneries...Saddam Loyalists....I have to raise my hat for the amazing job that the government who were elected last december are doing...Yup...A really good job men!!!Keep it up...Keep it up and let the Innocent people get killed...Keep it up and let your nation die slowly....Isnt that what everyone wants???

Kidnappings...deaths on a daily basis..daily...close your eyes for a few minutes and imagine yourself in a lawless society...No law governs...Streets are filled with sewage and garbage...Air is filled with the smell of death...You have a child...your only child...He asks you please mom, I wanna go and play football with my friends...Please mom, I have finished my homework and I wanna play...Reluctantly you say yes....He is only gonna be next to the house....You let him go...he desreves to have fun...you peek from the window...smiling to yourself...Realising how much he has grown...then...A car...a black car screeches...for no reason men pull the windows down and start shooting haphazardly....You see the children fall to the ground one by one....just like that...right infront of your own eyes....the car continues to the next set of victims...Youve lost your child....your only child....

Close your eyes for a few minutes and imagine yourself in a lawless society...No law governs...You have just been married....Waiting anxiously for your husband to come home...He is working long hours to be able to provide for you and for his own direct family...He is working so hard to save some money...So that maybe just maybe an opportunity arises for travel and another new bright future somewhere far far away...He is late...You start to worry...You call his mobile phone...You get the "either switched off or outside the coverage area" You dial again and again and again but to no avail....The dinner on the table becomes cold...you call your family...they tell you its ok....maybe he had to go somewhere....you know something doesnt feel right....you start to have images in your head...You dont know what to do...You start shaking...crying...then night over comes and you get a phonecall...Your husband was next to a car when it exploded ...He is Gone...His body is charred...Youve lost your mate..your soul mate....

Close your eyes for a few minutes and imagine yourself in a lawless society...No Law governs...Your wife and daughter had to go to the local store to get some fruits....As they cross the road a group of men stop the car....pull your wife and daughter in...and take them to an unknown destination...Then you get a phonecall...Your daughter and wife's bodies will be on your doorstep tomorrow...They hang up...They play with your mind....They scare you...They know you will become desperate...No phonecalls for the next few days...You havent slept in a long long time...then you get that phonecall again...asking for money...Money you cannot afford...Money you must get to have your family back...You call your relatives...you call your friends...you collect the money...You try to negotiate as much as you can...I do not have that much...I cannot afford this...They are callous...they are criminals....They do not care...They might bargain...they might not...its you and your luck on who the kidnappers are....You get the money...you give it to them...and then you wait...a day...2 days...3....a week....2 bodies are found shot in the head in the garbage...Its your lovely wife and beautiful daughter.....Youve lost your family....Youve lost your hope.....

More and more stories like this happen everyday....More and more killings...More and more kidnappings...This is the plight of the Iraqis...But no one hears them...No one hears the sound of their suffering...No one....There is nothing you and me can do...

One way to solve this is get rid of this government whose loyalty is not Iraq, but some other agenda...Get rid of the militia...Bring someone with an Iron fist...Yes someone who will kill and get rid of all the criminals...shoot them just like they do...get rid of them one by one...No law will take care of this..cuz this is a lawless society...Talk to them in their language...The only language they know...I am sorry to say this...Me the educated, me the open minded....I now came to realise that the only way to get rid of these roaches and barbarians is by the same acts they commit...

Either that or divide Iraq...South, center, north and let each one govern the way they want to....Which is something I doubt anyone wants....This current government is hopeless...As long as there are fanatic religeous people governing and having great popularity then forget it....As long as there are bin laden loyalists...Zarqawi criminals...Militias...so called mujahideen....There will no longer be Iraq....this place has literally become a hell hole....The victims are and will always be the Innocent Iraqis who just want to live...live not in fear...live not in the stench of death...but live normally...First it was Saddam and his clan...now its a mixture, a cocktail of criminals, mobs and gangs....The innocent Iraqis are nothing but Pawns, Pawns in a Chess Game...

As I sit here and begin to write, memories flash by just like a movie strip flicking, flicking through my yesterdays...all the yesterdays that passed...I remember the agony, the anguish I used to suffer being away from HUBBY..I remember the sleepless nights I kept tossing and turning worrying..thinking...I remember the phonecalls, the emails...the arguements...the laughter...I remember the tears I shed when I dont hear from him...I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember how a year ago I got the news of coming here...I remember how my tears of joy flowed down my face in utter exhiliration..I remember the days of arguing with my mother who was so against the idea...I remember how I would scream and shout and say "its my life and I need to live it"...I remember those days...My Yesterdays....

As I sit here and begin to write I remember the flight into Kuwait...I remember how I arrived into the airport not expecting HUBBY to be there cuz he said "This is your trip, your experience, you have to do it alone" I remember how i saw a camera flash in my face...I remember seeing the smile, the smile of HUBBY as he picked me up and hugged me so hard...I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the heat I endured in Ali Al Salem waiting for the C130...I remember the excitement, the excitement of getting into one of those...I remember how heavy the armoured vest I had to wear and the silly helmet that almost covered my eyes...I remember the net and the complicated seatbelt I had to lock...I remember the minute we approached Baghdad...I remember how I tried to see through that tiny window...to see a glimpse of my country...the country I left long long time ago...I remember my heartbeats...I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the ground I stepped onto....I remember the tears of disbelief...I remember saying...Am I really here, here in Baghdad??? I remember HUBBY's hands squeezing mine...I remember pulling my bags and walking next to Burger King in camp stryker...I remember the shock I was in when I say army personnel...never seen so many all in one place...I remember seeing the tanks and asking HUBBY..Is this normal??? I remember how I stood next to the trailer bathrooms and took pictures...I remember sitting on the benches waiting for the bus...I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the rino ride from the camp to the green zone...I remember the ride to the palace...I remember how poor HUBBY had to drag 2 suitcases wearing his silly helmet and his vest...I remember prancing infront of him, smoking and dragging his carry on...I remember taking pictures and laughing my ass off at him...I remember how sweat poured all over his face, yet he didnt utter one word of complaint...I remember the sand bags and the sight of the trailers...I remember walking into the trailer for the first time...and just slept right there and then...I remember those days...My Yesterdays....

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the first day at work...I remember the faces..the eyes that looked me up and down...I remember the stunned looks when HUBBY introduced me...I remember how I felt...felt so out of place...I remember how everyone spoke to me in english thinking Im american...I remember the wow's and aahs when I said Im Iraqi...I remember the WOB and her eyes scouring all over me...I remember HR lady giving me lessons in punctuality and work hours...I remember how I sat there clueless...staring at a monitor...thinking to myself is this it??? I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the first mortar I heard...I remember how I ran out trying to see where it happened and what it was...I remember how it became a habbit to sleep with these sounds and wake up with these sounds...I remember entering the palace...Saddams palace...I remember thinking, wow...here I am touching the chairs...walking the marble floors...while you Saddam are in a cell...who woulda thought...I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the nights, the masgoof (Iraqi Fish) nights...I remember the green zone cafe...I remember its green and red colour....I remember the boys and how friendly they were...I remember the yummy kababs and the fresh lamb tikkas...I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the day our colleague was kidnapped...I remember the tears...I remember the sorrow...I remember the look of guilt in HUBBY's eyes...I remember how HUBBY said it was his fault for he assigned him to work here...I remember the sleepless nights...the sorrowful days that followed...I remember the anger I felt...The hopelessness...I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the stories..the untold stories...I remember the summer heat and the conversations...I remember star trek nights and the arguements...I remember the small gatherings we used to have and chat...I remember HUBBY complaining how his program is failing...I remember WOB trying to scheme and plan inorder to get people out...I remember the disbelief at how such a woman exsited...I remember the fights I had with HUBBY becuase of her....I remember the tears I shed for I felt neglected..I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the days I worked with Col M and LTC Perfect...I remember the nights we stayed up to solve issues...I remember the jokes, the laughter...I remember how nice it felt to be appreciated...I remember how great it felt to be responsible...I remember how wonderful it felt to coach the Iraqis...I remember the anxiousness they felt when giving their first presentation...I remember the stuttering and the thumbs up when they were done...I remember those days....My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the long hours I put into my work...I remember the days where I had no time to even wash my hair...I remember the days when I would only sleep for a few hours because I couldnt wait to go back to work...I remember the days I was suffering from IWS (Ignored Wife Syndrome) and took that opportunity to melt deep into my job...I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the day I tried to run away...I remember the crazy Idea of venturing out...I remember how I walked and walked trying to get to the bridge...the bridge that leads to the real Baghdad....I remember how I got lost and started crying...I remember how cars used to stop and beep their horns..I remember sitting next to a mosque listening to the prayers...I remember how silly I was to get lost in the darn green zone...I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember the laughter, I remember the tears...I remember the Farewells, and the goodbyes...I remember the Great people that made a difference in my life...I remember the resilience of my iraqi colleagues that come into work everyday...I remember their sufferings in their daily stories...I remember those days...My Yesterdays....

As I sit here and begin to write, I remember Col K's famous words..."This job is hard enough without people making it harder" I remember Col K's emotions overtaking his farewell speach..I remember his words to my Iraqi colleagues "You to me are my heroes...You will face challenges but you are the most resilient people I have ever met in my life and Iraq will one day flourish with your help and perseverence"... I remember those days...My Yesterdays...

Yes these are MY Yesterdays...The Yesterdays that passed me by...The Yesterdays that will ever be engraved in my heart...These are the Yesterdays...The Memories that are filled with love...The memories of the nights, the Baghdad nights with its beautiful dark skies and the ever shining moon...These are My Yesterdays...

Believe it or not, I actually cant wait to leave...Ironic isnt it...Atmosphere at work has become kinda morbid...Im counting the days now....Havent packed yet but did the " I want this shirt, I dont want this top" kinda thing....Still didnt find out whether I can ship directly to where Im heading to....Oh and listen to this...I call the guy who is responsible for packages and stuff, and asked him whats the procedure for a british citizen to mail stuff..."Oh sorry ma'am, if you dont hold a US citizenship, you cant..." Huh!!! What do you mean??? I ask in total shock...my jaws drop down...Well these are the rules ma'am...Where are you shipping your stuff to???I say the Emirates (had the urge to say Emigrates, since thats what LTC nice guy used to call it,lol)

Say that again the guy mumbles...The Emirates..The UAE...Oh wheres that the guys asks...hmm, now what am I supposed to tell this man, who first tells me I have to be US then tells me he has no clue of where the Emirates is...pointless conversation I mumble to myself...Then an idea came to me...Ok but HUBBY is a US citizen I say..."Heyyyyyy thats great" he said with total jubilation...as if i just said Im married to the president....hmm ok..its either me or this guy is nuts....So I say ok, but how will this solve my problem of shipping to the Emigrates...where??? he asks on the other end of the phone...I mean the Emirates...sorry....

Oh Maam..I dunno...what are you doing at 12??? maybe you can pass by and discuss the problem...Well needless to say I did infact go and see Mr Mailman who for some odd reason or another was quite excited when I told him Im the Brit who aint allowed to ship my stuff...He didnt really add much to the conversation we had earlier, except he was given a geography lesson on where the Emirates is....Oh well, atleast someone benefited...So less than 3 weeks to go and I have no clue how to get my stuff mailed....Im kinda bummed out...

A strange phenomena with this US citizenship as well...CAC cards or DOD cards as theyre called, now mine has expired 5 months ago..I was since told that they are still valid until March...Come March and I was told that I can fill out a form and request another one...filled the form, waited a week, then went to the palace to get my supposedly new badge...Ofcourse since I was kicked out of the palace the first week I arrived here (long story)...I did not possess an EMbassy Badge to get into the palace...so naturally i had to be escorted in...with my mobile phone, thumb drive confiscated at the door...got searched by a young Iraqi girl and then my escort was told not to leave me wandering about alone..AS IF...geez....

anyways we enter the palace...which as everyone knows used to be one of Saddam's lavish palaces, that is now being used as offices and what have you...I wait in line for the badging person to see me...After a wait of 45 mins...My turn comes...I go in...give her my last name...she gets the file out and tells me, oh sorry miss, but you cant have one...Why??? I ask...Cuz you aint a US citizen....UGGGHHHHHH...I was ready to explode...I said I know I aint a US citizen but Im a British citizen...Which in part should give me the same darn privilages you have since we got into this war as coalition forces....I was fuming at that time...Sorry miss but these are the rules...We got orders that we cannot issue CAC/DOD cards to non US citizens....

I again use the trump card I have..ok how about if my husband is US...will that make me eligible???No maam, but are you a resident of the US...No I splurt out...So no maam she shakes her head, Im sorry...GRRRRRRRR.....I walk back into the hallway...ask my escort to give me her phone...I call my supervisor and started shouting at him...YUP i had totally lost it....They probably cant wait to see me go....My supervisor tells me to calm down and that he will see into it...hmm..yeah right...see into what...I get escorted...i get searched...i have my phone and memory stick confiscated..I waste 45 mins of my time waiting and you tell me i will look into it...

I go back to the office pouting...I then get an email..actually an all hands email from my supervisor telling us that "TCN's (Third country nationals) are now not eligible for CAC cards...TCNs????OMG OMG OMG....lol...He sits right behind me...so once I got the email and read these words...I couldnt resist but say hey you know...Next time you guys think of a war somewhere in this world...I will make sure my TCN prime minister wont agree to it...so hence my nickname "the TCN"....oh well...Now I know how it feels for the Iraqis to be searched and probed when they come to work everyday....they must really hate us(Iraqi expats) to just pass the line without waiting...They cant have take outs from the DFAC...They cant carry drinks...Darn they cant do anything in their own country...no wander sometimes I feel they look at us with envy....

Oh well...So now HUBBY teases me all the time for being a TCN...and tells me "See I told you lets work on your green card application...but you refused...now you are just a TCN..." I think I need to strangle someone....ggrrrrr....So LTC H...Neurotic Iraqi Wife has become a TCN...Why did the Brits get into this unplanned war again???Can someone please remind me....I think Id rather be an Iraqi Associate than a TCN if u ask me...At first Iraqis were called Local Nationals, then for some reason or another, someone found that offensive so it got changed to Iraqi Associates…Im Iraqi, who lived in the Emigrates for sometime..then moved to London for more time…Got a British citizenship….Got married to a US who is also an Iraqi..What does that make me???An Alien roaming the Green Zone…

Well LTC H, yesterday was a sad day in Hotel Neurotica. The Gov Leads that I gotto know, left...Went back to their families and friends, leaving behind a great legacy and I mean it when I say a great legacy....Had you got to know them, or spent the time we have spent with them you woulda known exactly what I mean....Col K, was one of the greatest people I have ever encountered..And believe me, I have encountered many personalities....In his farewell speech, that great, solid man, became emotional when talking about the Iraqis who worked with us...he became so emotional, that he had to stay silent for a few seconds inorder for his tears not to show....It was an amazing moment, a moment that gave all of us a sense of gratitude to that great man...a sense of gratitude to what he had done to this program...And you know why he was loved by all, because he was doing it from here....from the heart...He truely believed in the cause...The cause of the Iraqi people....

You see LTC H, I have been here almost a year...In this past 12 months, I would have worked with 4 Gov sector leads. The first one, I can barely remember....Col B, the quietest personality ever....Didnt really deal with him much so cant judge....After that came Col M...Now he was a character...I personally liked him, but the minute he came to Iraq, he hated the place...The minute he came to Iraq, he just wanted to leave...But I have to admit, he did set the rules of letting the Iraqis shine...If it wasnt for him, none of the Iraqis that work with us would be giving presentations infront of generals...None of the Iraqis would have taken responsibility of their programs... He set the guidelines, but in his heart he was after all a military guy...Shouting orders all the time..wanting things to be done right this second, I want this and I want it yesterday...His deputy, LTC perfect, was for me perfection....He too wasnt that popular....but he was the one that discovered the mismanagement of this organisation and tried to rectify it...

LTC perfect taught me so much...taught me things about myself I didnt know I had in me...taught me how to love my job...taught me how to achieve the goals i set for myself...Encouraged me to shine...Oh and taught me how to make american coffee....lol...Then came the greatest team this organisation will ever see....Col K, and his deputy LTC nice guy...Wow...they worked hand in hand with us...They saw the way the program was in the pits because of the bad management we have and they tried their best to revive it...and believe it or not they did....We had lost hope after the failure of some of our prgrams....but with their guidance...with their genuine concern...they brought that hope back to the program...And most importantly they interacted with the Iraqis...They too wanted them to shine and be leaders...They encouraged them every step of the way....Anyone who had a problem, was not shy to ask for help....And they got it...

Oh and I dont want to forget to mention LTC Lively...Man this guy was a character of his own....All his telephone conversations with his wife would be heard throughout the sector..His laughter would fill the ever morbid atmosphere...I have never seen someone who got so many packages filled with chocolates, bubble gum, lollies, starbucks coffee, candy....you name it he gets it...I mean the whole sector put on weight because of him....Even me...the person who tried so hard to put on weight in the past and was never successful, managed a few pounds in his presence...God...those days...memories...nice ones...

The new gov leads on the other hand...I dunno...cant really judge them from one day...but I can tell....they aint LTC perfect, they aint Col K, they aint LTC nice guy...and they definitely aint LTC Lively....We are leaving soon, and Im ever so grateful to have met people from all walks of life...To have met people that touched my heart...touched my soul....The battle of winning hearts and minds may have failed in the war zone...but for the Iraqis here, the Iraqis who work with us, their hearts and minds were won over by the great Col K....And they got to see a glimpse of what may have been a success if there were poeple out there just like him....Including the Iraqi Government....

I mean if just 1% of the current Iraqi government had 1% of this guy's heart this guy's genuinity...This Iraq, this broken, wounded Iraq woulda been in a great shape....But all is not lost, because he gave my Iraqi colleagues the encouragement, the memories, the perseverence in contninuing what theyre doing...He gave them hope...He showed them that there are people out there who truely care, care for them...And he did, he did touch their Heart...Touch their Soul...

Ok Im now in my "Blocking the News" phase....Yup as my mom always tells me, Im the moody type...One day up and the next down...So one day pissed off, and the next just unphased...Im in my unphased mood...I know things are bad, but first off my opinion doesnt really count...Secondly, actions speak far more than words, and thirdly...the broken record is ending up in tatters...so why bother??? But knowing me, dont think this mood will last, depends on what I hear, see and read...so stay tuned...

You know how kids make up imaginery friends in their minds???they talk to them, play with them, tell them secrets...Well once upon a lifetime ago, I had one too...Used to play teacher with my IF...Dunno why teacher, but at the time I was inlove with the idea of becoming one...I guess cuz teachers get to shout at kids...I dunno...But definitely not because of the patience I have in teaching things...nope...not me...

Well surprisingly enough, after 30 odd years, I have realised that Im in need of an imaginery friend...Needless to say, its a HE, and umm he is a LTC from where else but the AF....hehe.... So from now on Im gonna refer to my IF as LTC Harvest (I truely hope there isnt a real LTC named Harvest, and if there is , I do apologize in advance)... Harvest is the name of the power bar that I got accustomed to eating here....So LTC Harvest has been born...today...Which means he's a Taurus.... Strong headed and stubborn...ok that suits me, atleast he will be a good friend, someone who listens, and gives me his true opinion.

LTC H, welcome to hotel Neurotica (wanted to rhyme with california)...Hotel Neurotica, has a variety of rooms, each one is individually designed with a different theme...And everyday, you will get to sleep in one...Dont worry about your luggage, We have special little urchins who carry them for you and neatly puts them in the cupboard...All you need to do iS just relax and enjoy the hotel amenities....

Since its not long before HUBBY and I leave this place, I wanna share a few things with you....I have been trying to capture some moments, moments on my camera...Ive been taking pics of colleagues, of food, of my desk, of everything I can think of...HUBBY says he doesnt need pics to remember people, thats true, nor do I, but its nice, from time to time to look at pics and be nostalgic...I wanna share some pics I have taken...

This one is a sandstorm that took place today...Was a sudden one...everything was clear but in just a matter of a few seconds the sky changed, everything became dusty...I grabbed my cam, ran out and went on the roof top.....








Dont worry LTC H, Hotel Neurotica is situated in a place where no sandstorms take place...The hotel is infact made out of glass...Kinda cylinderical looking...(Since Im architecturally ignorant, not sure if that is feasible, lets just pretend, ok) But One of the many things it has in common with my beloved country, the Date trees.... Yup, you will see those scattered all over the hotel...Date trees with real dates on them hanging from the branches...whenever you feel hungry, you can just have some, at no extra charge...compliments of Hotel Neurotica....

After work being so hectic last week, and without even realising...my desk looked like it needed severe cleaning...Just a note of caution...Hotel Neurotica, tends to become chaotic from time to time so dont be surprised if the rooms may end up looking like my desk....But dont panic...the chaos will be cleared some time.....

Umm, Hotel Neurotica guarantees you good quality, and cleanliness but does not really state the period of time...It just says in really fine print, "will be cleaned whenever" So just beware of that situation when it arises....Im just being honest here with you.... Since I didnt really have much work to do today, I sat staring at the 2 screens infront of me, reminising the times I had here...Infact I have come to realise that Im taking back with me a bag filled with knowledge..Yes thats right...Knowledge...And thats one thing Hotel Neurotica guarantees to give you too....

I have learnt to live in an environment that resembles a prison...a luxurious prison...But nevertheless a prison...A prison guarded by T walls...Guarded by gherkas, fijians, Iraqis, Americans, East Europeans...A prison, that gets visitors from the outside everyday...visitors that see it as their only way of freedom...Isnt that amusing...Visitors who risk their lives everyday passt these checkpoints, just to be inside...inside this prison....

I see it as a prison, cuz I wanna see the outside...wanna see the real Baghdad..wanna see the kindergarden I attended...Wanna see my house I once lived in...Wanna see the streets, the shops, the clubs (clubs as in clubs, not the places of dance)...Wanna live the memories that my parents used to talk about...Yet I cant....

The visitors on the otherhand wanna come inside this prison, just to get away from the reality of it all...This prison for them is a gateway to their own freedom. They can talk, critisize, they can walk without having to look over their shoulder a million times....This prison, is a place of luxury...Electricity, Air conditioning that blows cold air onto their tired, exhausted bodies....And most importantly LTC H, they fear no one inside the walls of this prison...They laugh, they smile, they talk, they gossip....They complain, they whine, and they know that people do listen in this prison....They forget whats waiting for them outside, just for a few hours, before they have to make that journey, the journey outside the prison to their lifeless lives...

So you see LTC H, see how things are all set in relativity....Everything is relative...Everything is realtive in Hotel Neurotica...Visitors come and go...But Hotel Neurotica never forgets a face...Never....The prison Im in right now...this luxurious prison which I will be leaving soon...For the people beyond its bars, is nothing but Freedom, Freedom in a Prison...

Democracy???Democracy my A**!!! Right now, im so angry...so pissed off...so infuriated at what happened in Basrah...The cheering of those Iraqis...supposedly my fellow Iraqi people...Cheering because of the helicopter crash!!! My God!!! No wander God's wrath is on this nation...Im so sick and tired...so sick and tired of people complaining...complaining that things aint working out when we US...The Iraqi people cannot clean our nation from such imbecile, ignorant, low life cheering for the dead!!! I do not care what people will say about this post..But believe me this nation will never know the meaning of democracy if we have leaders who support such acts!!!Who encourage such acts!!! Instead of cleaning other people's mess...I think its time to clean our own mess first.....

And you know who is falling victim to all this??? The innocent Iraqis who just want peace...who just want to live...who just want to know the taste of what real freedom is...these are the victims...they are the ones who are getting killed. WAKE UP IRAQ.....WAKE UP!!!! Im so sick and tired of conspiracy theories...Im sick and tired of the blame game...YES mistakes happened how many times do u wanna hear this...they did happen...but we have to take control of the situation... We are letting the wrong people win...We are letting the wrong people to take over this country...our country!!!!We are letting bin laden and his clans laugh...laugh at us...we are allowing the criminals crawl among us and kill our children one by one...IT IS WE that we do that...IT IS WE who must stop this!!!!

I am fed up...Fed up of militias killing left center and right...I am fed up with Iran's influence, blemishing all the shia's...I am fed up of all the wahabism that now Sunnis are branded with....I am fed up of no one..Not one single person standing up saying ENOUGH....Where are the so called politicians???where are you???Are you still busy giving out chairs??? Look at your people, look at whats happening to them...And now we are gonna be called cruel for cheering deaths!!!My God, what has happened to the great nation of Iraq...The great nation of civilization...Where is that darn civilization???Have we lost it all??? Where has it disappeared to???

We were angered at the shame and hurt that was caused in Abu Ghraib prison...and we have every right to...but the cheering??? And this is not the first time, nor the second time...nor the third...It just proves to the world that this place is not worth it..After all the men and women that died...all the children that were killed, killed for the cause of keeping Iraq one...Has gone to no avail???? All the blood that was lost...is lost for nothing??? My God do we forget so fast...so fast ...how people lived in fear a few yrs ago....

If anything I blame us...I blame us for giving the power to those who care less about Iraq...I blame us for depending on others to clean our mess...I blame us for waiting for things to happen..I blame us for letting the violence errupt between the sects...I blame us for the corruption....I blame us for being selfish brats....Yes we are selfish brats....And people tell me hope???LOL, that is laughable...what hope is there for a nation that kill each other... What hope is there for a nation that cheer, clap and dance cuz people died....What hope is there for a nation that does nothing but complain because "America the greatest" did not provide them with electricity, with freedom???? What hope is that????

I am so so angry...you know what..we were scared that if the coalition forces would leave then chaos will take place..well...I think thats the best solution..Troops should leave now...Believe me...thats the best thing...cuz WE will never learn...and even if we do...there are people who follow their so called "idols" who if told to jump off of a bridge they will do it..This is the mentality you are dealing with...You get brainwashed by Wahabis...if you kill 10 shia's you will meet the prophet in heaven...you will become an Amir...an Amir my A**...You are nothing but the scum of the earth..And you will be kicked out...you will be kicked out not by americans..not brits...oh no...you will be kicked out by Iraqis....by real Iraqis who truely love this country...By the Iraqis who are loyal to this place...

Iraqis just like the people who risk their lives ever single day to come to work...Iraqis just like the people who risk their lives every single day to come to work because they want a bright future.....Iraqis just like the people who risk their lives every single day to come to work so they can feed their families....These are the Iraqis, who know that any second they may die...any second they may not see their beloved ones again....These Iraqis are the ones that will clean Iraq...Yes Cuz they are the real survivors...They are resilient...resilient to what is behind those check points...behind those gates....

The troops should leave and let the Iraqis solve their problems their way..an Iraqi expression "khalee narhum takul hatab hum" Let their fire eat their timber...I know that more killings will take place...I know...but whats the difference...killings here killings there..right????isnt that how people think...Then this Iraq will be sieved from those low life, ignorant savages...and maybe just maybe Hope will return... I hope all the Innocent people's blood havent gone in vain...And I hope that one day...one day...maybe just maybe life will be normal again...Life will be filled with children's laughter...Life will be filled with Hope..Hope...A word that is barely remembered here...HOPE....

Been extremely busy at work...especially the last few days...its like tasker after tasker...no time to rest...my work partner has gone on R&R and so almost everything is being done by me...As the days are getting closer for us to leaving this place, the desire of getting out of here sooner is getting more...I just wanna see myself out...Im tired, exhausted and drained out....and it is time to leave...I dunno how HUBBY managed 2 years here...I dunno how others managed 2 yrs here...god...Its crazy and unhealthy...

This environment tranforms you into a robot...literally you lead a robotic life....same thing everyday..wake up, go to work..have lunch...go to work...have dinner...go to work....go sleep...wake up....got to work...etc...etc..etc...I see some people keep themselves busy by going to Liberty Pool, or play basketball, or football...many go to the gym...I dont know how they do that...where do they get the energy from....I mean by the time I get back to my room, Im just knackered....


Nothing really special happening, except for saying goodbyes to people who are leaving in a few days time...Our gov leads have done their 4 month rotation, and its time for them to go back...We gave them a small farewell, with a special Iraqi cake (look at it, isnt it amazing??? with the palm trees...we all fell in love with it...we Iraqis are so artistic even in such difficult circumstances, and i have to admit it was really yummy)Im really sad to see them go...Its funny how you tend to get attached to people here...I guess its because you see them everyday, talk to them all the time...have some laughs from time to time....And they are most importantly good people...they touch you here... in the heart...Im definitely gonna keep intouch with them..I want to...such simple people...yet so powerful...so determined...and they are all Air force...Ive mentioned my awe about AF right??? yeah i did..im so in awe....sigh...

I havent packed yet..HUBBY on the otherhand has done all the packing by HIMSELF...unbelievable!!! I had no time....its either that or im just trying to avoid the darn thing....As for news from Baghdad, Im still blocking bad stuff...dont wanna think abt it for now...All I know is that Baghdad is suffering severly from electricity shortage...and summer has already arrived...darn mosquitos are everywhere...I got bitten a few times...there are also teeny weeny flying creatures and boy oh boy do they bite...I have no clue where they come from...You should see us at work, you see hands in the air all the time shooing flies away...its funny....

I ve been told by my family that they found an apartment for us already..Yaaaaay...was so excited...I already have images in my head about furnishing it...I cant wait...it will be the first real place HUBBY and I will live in together...I have convinced him to go for a short vacation back to the US while I go back and fix the apartment...Didnt really do that cuz I want him to relax, oh no...not me...did it so I can be free in choosing the furniture...Lol....it will be my little place...and just the way i like it....ive also decided to buy a dustbin on wheels...HUBBY, 45 yr old man, who does NOT know the benefits or the purpose of a trashbin...he tends to keep his ample coke cans lying on the table, floor, chair, bathroom and anywhere else he finds close...and mind you..the trash bag is just a few cm's away...so umm...I will be having the bin on wheels tied to him...oh together with a laundry basket...since that too he seems to ignore its benefits...Men....

In the past few days almost all our Iraqi colleagues have told us "please dont forget us, once you go and get a job, please try and find one for us" Its sad but true...everyone wants to leave...They say they have had enough of living like the dead...they say we are dead people walking...We have no life, and even if we have one, we dont look forward to waking up and seeing yet another day...Although You see them at work, so passionate in what they do...you can feel their hearts are in it...you can feel the love they have for their projects, yet no one appreciates the hard labour they put in...infact all their efforts are ignored...One colleague of mine who joined as a trainee a yr ago, has now become a project manager, she looked extremely upset the other day...not her usual smiling self...I asked what was the matter...she said, you know, we came to work here with dreams, dreams of becoming something...dreams of getting responsibility...but look at how they treat us...She said Im stuck here taking care of only one project..no chance of promotion, no chance of becoming more than what I am...whats the point she asks???whats the point we risk our lives everyday??? When you see the expats, getting promoted, becoming progam managers..why she asks me??? Dont they believe in us???

All I was able to say, look, dont worry, you are gaining an excellent experience here...dont look at it negatively..at the end of the day...all this is for you..you the Iraqi people...Yes this organisation has mismanaged people, and the program...but one day they will HAVE to give YOU the responsibility you all crave for...just be patient...so You see, this is the reality of things here, of people here....they see themselves as dead people walking...I see them as my heroes...the Heroes of Today...the Heroes of Tomorrow...