neurotic Iraqi wife
May 26, 2006
Footprints in the Sand....
Im reaching the end of the chapter, the end of my journey, this may or may not be the last post I write before I leave, for there are many thoughts in my head that are fighting their way out, but dunno which should come out first..Im rambling I know...Bare with me...
I have always believed in God, always, ever since I was a child, I knew and felt his presensce...I would sit in bed and talk to him, just like my imaginery friend LTC H...But as I grew up, and accumulated more knowledge, I realised that its not only talkin and askin, you should do, but givingthanx and praying...And the more I learnt things about my God, the more I loved him, thanked him, and prayed to him...and believe it or not, the more comfortable with myself and the people around me I became...I was more serene then...more accepting...
Fast forward and Im here, Im scared to say it but im losing that faith...Losing it cuz of what I see and hear around me...I cannot continue saying this is God's will, cuz its not God's will for unborn babies to die...It is not Gods will for 5 year olds to get shot, it is not God's will for women to get raped and murdered..No, for if that was God's will, then that is no God....As Im writing this my heart is pounding for I know its wrong to question, but at the same time, I need these answers desperately...I need these answers to rest my so called exhausted soul...They say life is a test...You are here cuz you are being tested...At the same time they say God knows everything, sees everything before you even do it, so how can we be tested if the results are already known...There are 2 roads, we either take the good one or the bad one...but the end result is known...you either go to heaven or you go to hell...
My Logic is fighting its way, and Im scared that it will win the race...I see good people around me, pure and chaste, yet they are living in the worst circumstances ever...Is this God's will??? Answer me, is it??? I dunno anymore, I think Im losing it...Losing it big time...and you know what, Im scared...
Im scared for this nation, for it has bled until no more blood can be shed...Im scared for the people, for they stayed strong until their strength is waning...Im scared if tomorrow ever comes and there wont be an Iraq...I am scared...I truely am...These feelings are intensifying...intensifying day after day...the hopes have become fears, and the fears have become a reality...I ask God, why??? Why this??? Why???
I get no answers, I get silence...A deafening silence into a vast space....I hear the echo of my WHY's in my mind, repeating itself over and over again....I put my hand over my ears...Wanna shut the echo out, I press so hard until my ears ache, but to no avail..The echo is stuck right here in my mind....I try to sing a little song, try to imagine a peaceful place, try to see gardens and kids running around...filling the air with their beautiful laughter....I try to imagine the sky so clear, and couples having a stroll hand in hand with the icecream wagon passing by...I try to imagine the chirping of the birds while they fly away...I try to imagine cafe's and restaurants lining up the streets filled with happy families, socialising together, eating, having fun...I try to imagine street vendors filling up their stalls, waiting for people to search through their produce and joke around...I try to imagine women strolling down an avenue entering into boutiques buying sexy lingerie to have fun when they are with husbands....I try, Im trying trying so hard to imagine but the darn echo is still there.....
And when I close my eyes, I dont see gardens, Instead I see barren earth, void of life....When I close my eyes, I dont hear children's laughter, Instead I hear womens' wailing, wailing for their kids deaths....When I close my eyes, I dont see a clear sky, Instead I see one filled with emergency helicopters filled up with wounded soldiers and lifeless corpses...When I close my eyes, I dont see couples hand in hand, Instead I see dead men, dead women...laying there in the garbage, like some unwanted product...When I close my eyes, I dont see cafe's and restaurants, Instead I see burnt buildings, filled not with happy families, but with families that have no homes, yet their only haven is a burnt building that is half standing....When I close my eyes I dont see street vendors, Instead I see stalls covered with blood, human blood, scattered parts, body parts...When I close my eyes, I dont see women strolling in avenues, Instead, I see women getting kidnapped, raped...
I ask why...And I will keep asking why...It is bleak, you dont believe me, you dont believe the others, that is your choice...but I ask you why??? God said theres only one set of Foot prints in the Sand.....A poem, that I lived by ever since I was a child...
One night a man had a dream.
I have always believed in God, always, ever since I was a child, I knew and felt his presensce...I would sit in bed and talk to him, just like my imaginery friend LTC H...But as I grew up, and accumulated more knowledge, I realised that its not only talkin and askin, you should do, but givingthanx and praying...And the more I learnt things about my God, the more I loved him, thanked him, and prayed to him...and believe it or not, the more comfortable with myself and the people around me I became...I was more serene then...more accepting...
Fast forward and Im here, Im scared to say it but im losing that faith...Losing it cuz of what I see and hear around me...I cannot continue saying this is God's will, cuz its not God's will for unborn babies to die...It is not Gods will for 5 year olds to get shot, it is not God's will for women to get raped and murdered..No, for if that was God's will, then that is no God....As Im writing this my heart is pounding for I know its wrong to question, but at the same time, I need these answers desperately...I need these answers to rest my so called exhausted soul...They say life is a test...You are here cuz you are being tested...At the same time they say God knows everything, sees everything before you even do it, so how can we be tested if the results are already known...There are 2 roads, we either take the good one or the bad one...but the end result is known...you either go to heaven or you go to hell...
My Logic is fighting its way, and Im scared that it will win the race...I see good people around me, pure and chaste, yet they are living in the worst circumstances ever...Is this God's will??? Answer me, is it??? I dunno anymore, I think Im losing it...Losing it big time...and you know what, Im scared...
Im scared for this nation, for it has bled until no more blood can be shed...Im scared for the people, for they stayed strong until their strength is waning...Im scared if tomorrow ever comes and there wont be an Iraq...I am scared...I truely am...These feelings are intensifying...intensifying day after day...the hopes have become fears, and the fears have become a reality...I ask God, why??? Why this??? Why???
I get no answers, I get silence...A deafening silence into a vast space....I hear the echo of my WHY's in my mind, repeating itself over and over again....I put my hand over my ears...Wanna shut the echo out, I press so hard until my ears ache, but to no avail..The echo is stuck right here in my mind....I try to sing a little song, try to imagine a peaceful place, try to see gardens and kids running around...filling the air with their beautiful laughter....I try to imagine the sky so clear, and couples having a stroll hand in hand with the icecream wagon passing by...I try to imagine the chirping of the birds while they fly away...I try to imagine cafe's and restaurants lining up the streets filled with happy families, socialising together, eating, having fun...I try to imagine street vendors filling up their stalls, waiting for people to search through their produce and joke around...I try to imagine women strolling down an avenue entering into boutiques buying sexy lingerie to have fun when they are with husbands....I try, Im trying trying so hard to imagine but the darn echo is still there.....
And when I close my eyes, I dont see gardens, Instead I see barren earth, void of life....When I close my eyes, I dont hear children's laughter, Instead I hear womens' wailing, wailing for their kids deaths....When I close my eyes, I dont see a clear sky, Instead I see one filled with emergency helicopters filled up with wounded soldiers and lifeless corpses...When I close my eyes, I dont see couples hand in hand, Instead I see dead men, dead women...laying there in the garbage, like some unwanted product...When I close my eyes, I dont see cafe's and restaurants, Instead I see burnt buildings, filled not with happy families, but with families that have no homes, yet their only haven is a burnt building that is half standing....When I close my eyes I dont see street vendors, Instead I see stalls covered with blood, human blood, scattered parts, body parts...When I close my eyes, I dont see women strolling in avenues, Instead, I see women getting kidnapped, raped...
I ask why...And I will keep asking why...It is bleak, you dont believe me, you dont believe the others, that is your choice...but I ask you why??? God said theres only one set of Foot prints in the Sand.....A poem, that I lived by ever since I was a child...
One night a man had a dream.He dreamt he was walking with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes of his life.
For each scene,he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;one belonged to him,and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it had happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered the man and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,there is only one set of footprints.I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."
The Lord replied,"My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that..... I carried you."
~~Author Unknown~~
~~Author Unknown~~
Am I seeing the one set of Footprints??? Footprints in the Sand....
5 Comments:
Please when you get out of Iraq pick up a copy of the practice of the presence of God by Brother Lawrence of the Resurrection- ICS publications institute of Carmelite studies Washington D.C.- a monk in the 1650's and he fought in wars and was wounded and had allot to say in a very few words about your questions. Yes Gods Loves all of us Good and Evil and in his Love we are allowed to make choices that may be good or bad Only God can know what the death of a child. I am a person of a much failed life I can say his Love has always carried me and that I without question believe that there are two worlds in existence ours and heaven on earth and very few have seen and lived in both
Brother L. was one of the rare mystics that did. He said that our life short or long is Gods desire to show us his Love and with out Gods Love the world would be a very evil terrible place since man is capable of so much evil. The good book says the angels desire to be as us so we must always look to Gods Great and unending Love; doubt as we all do we must strive for perfection keep God always in our hearts and remember that even when we can not feel his presence he is there.
God Bless
Dear Neurotic,
I don't know the answer either and I never got an answer to the question why? Mother Teressa helself confessed before her death that there were times when she didn't believe in God. Given the work that she did, who can blame her? I certainly don't
We share the same despair, "read my last post"
but once while i was imprisoned in a septic tank in sub zero weather neck high for three days back in 1995, i found out that i(we) can stand the most bitter of Cercumstancies ,rememeber a four thousand civilization can't ever be defeated, our marks will always remain.
The Iraqi people have been tested more than so many other nations, and there reward will be greater. Just think of it this way, if you pass the test of patience, you will be rewarded in the Hereafter more than one who has been sitting in a nice cold home, drinking and eating good food, and not worrying about bombs, death or murder.
That is what the Prophet, saaws, taught us, that the more God loves you, the more He tests you. Good luck.
Those of us who are Christian
believe that Gods most precious
gift to Humanity is free will.
And that God will judge us by
our behavior on earth when we die.
So Bush is going to be judged
Bib-Laden will be judged Zarqawi
and the suicide bombers will be Saddam will be judged and the Marines who for some reason entered those three homes will be judged as well as
every othe person on earth by the
actions we undertake while on Earth.
I believe Gods will is that people cooperate
and help one another ...perhaps
that is Gods test.
Western Governments try to put off
the judgement of others as we do not know Gods will.
For example homosexuality ...
Western nations do not fully understand it ... so it is behavior which has now become accepted as long as it does not hurt others ... Why should a human
judge another human who is not hurting others ... God will judge
homosexuals when they die ...
Now this linacy about killing barbers because of the way they cut hair ... killing people for wearing shorts ... young Muslim
men judging professional accomplished Muslim women by the way they dress ... This is why westeners are wary of Muslim extremists ...
Muslims/Chritians/Jews believe
in one all powerful God ...
and that ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL
UNDER GOD ... So I claim here in this blog that the Muslim who kills a man for wearing shorts
is the infidel ... the Muslim
who kills a barber for the way
a beard or hair is done is the infidel ...
Because the barber and the damn
insurgents are equal under God ...
and so if wearing a beard to short
or adopting a western hairstyle
is against Gods wishes then ONLY
God should judge these men when they die ....
The Taliban who prevented women
in Afghanistan will be judged by
God ... and they are infidels
because there is no words in any holy book which states that women
should not be educated ...
So I beg the young Muslims of the world to wake up ...
If you truly believe that there is only one God and Mohammed is his prophet then you must realize
the Bin-Laden Saddam and Zarqawi
and all those who pass judgement
on other men who are their equals
and kill those men who are not
hurting anyone then you must
believe they are all the
real infidels.
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