neurotic Iraqi wife

A few more hours and I'll be on that plane, off to sunny egypt. Havent packed my bag yet, everytime I throw in a top I say "Its time for that cigarette break" and the break turns out to be more of an hour or so.....So here Im writing my post during my break,lol...

Im in a huge dillema. I have no clue what to get HUBBY for our first anniversary. Wanted something naughty and silly but there's no such thing here. I ended up buying one of those sarcastic cards but thats as far as it went. I searched on the net and found that the first year wedding anniversary gift should be paper, so great atleast I wont go wrong with the card,hehe.

Am looking forward to seeing HUBBY again. Its been a month and a half since I last saw him, which aint bad. Last year it was real difficult for me, each month that passed was more like a year, but now am getting used to it. Am not sure if this is a good sign or not, but I guess its all part of the growing process, and I also believe that knowing Ill be joining him in Iraq pretty soon makes me more relaxed. As far as Iraq is concerned the papers arent out yet. Bloody hell, if I had applied to the moon I probably woulda been there by now....

One thing Im kinda not looking forward to in Egypt is the airport and the passport control. When I went there last year with my sister, they made us wait 2 whole hours until they gave us our passports back. Bear in mind I hold a British passport but because the words "Born in Baghdad" is written down, they gave me hell. I dunno what to make of it. During Saddam's time we used to get hassled and during this time we still get hassled, when will "Born in Baghdad" be something good for other countries???

Its not only Egypt, its everywhere in the Middle East. Ironic no??? I woulda thought people would sympathise with us and be of better assistance for all the tyrant years we had endured. Instead they treat us like S***. Why??? Cuz their hero is sitting in a cell all alone....Thats the mentality we have to deal with. Whenever Im asked where I come from and the words Iraq pop out proudly from my lips, I hear gasps..."OOOOOOOOOH nooooooo, Iraq???What a tragedy thats happening in Iraq right now. Look at what the Americans are doing, its all a conspiracy, Saddam was a good man" and on they go idolising that idiot.

Hmm, these words just tear my insides to shreds and I just wanna gag. Usually I answer back with anger and fury but after a million times of trying to explain to them what really Saddam was like, I realised that no matter how much I talk, their small minds arent capable of grasping the truth so I just sit down relax, smile and say "Oh well, Im glad he's gone to history's trash can"

Well Im sad to say this, but my cigarette break is over, and I think its time for me to do that packing. Hope I'll find everyone well once I come back. As for now Im psyching myself up for those Mummies......The Mummies of Egypt....

Finally the trip is all planned and dealt with.....And who did all the bookings and research??? Oh it cant be HUBBY can it. NOOOOOOO, cuz HUBBY "doesnt have the time" Ugghhhhh. Instead it was I that DID EVERYTHING!!! Can someone please tell me what's a man's job in a marriage??? Umm apart from providing and you know what else, but is that it???

Three days from today marks a whole year since we got married. A whole year, a year filled with anxiety, worries, tears, anger, laughter, desire, naughtiness and most of all fear....I genuinely started this blog cuz I needed help. I needed help to get away from my fears. My fears, my fears of losing my lover. Yeah losing him, losing him to circumstances that no one can control. Not me, not you, not him, just God Almighty can.....

When we meet every 3 months, its like we are meeting for the first time. That longing embrace, those lingering kisses, those "I miss you" words that melt in your ears, then a few minutes later its like we've lived a whole life time together."Sweetie, can u do my back for me?darling can you give me a massage?Oh cutie pie, I need to check my email"!!!!. Huh??? check your email, NOW??? I thought you missed me???

Why parents never tell us whats it like to be married is just beyond me. Atleast a few words of warning, you know, like "its not gonna be all rosy, you will need to pack his bags, do the travel plans, pick his clothes from the floor, clean after him, count the coke cans he leaves everywhere, watch him eat countless meals during the day, oh and bare the freezing AC temperatures, theres ofcourse the nightly struggle of who gets more duvet" Apart from the obvious "men never flush, men never put the toilet seat down, men never dry the floors after the shower, men dont have the word "hang" in their dictionary, and last but not least men dont know the meaning of "NO"

Hmm, what can I say??? But non the less, I still love my HUBBY.He's learning, he learnt to flush,yaaaaaaay....lol. The distance was a killer, but what was worse was the not knowing. Not knowing if he escaped the mortars, not knowing if he survived the bombings. Not knowing if he is safe. Negative thoughts are always lingering behind in my mind. And it was those thoughts that I needed to control. Did I succeed??No, not yet. I still worry, its only natural. But I did stop crying myself to sleep. That definitely stopped unless I have a nightmare that is.....

There's also the fear of losing him to someone else. Now that too was bad. Infact, I had so much to worry about I didnt know where to start. He didnt help either. He loves teasing me, knows he can work me up. One time, as we were talking on the phone

he said" Oh btw, I forgot to mention theres a new girl here in the Green Zone"
me: Aha, and??? (gritting my teeth)
HUBBY: she's soooooooo cute, you cant imagine. Everyone has fallen in love with her and I mean everyone
ME: Oh really???(my heart starts pounding and my face turns red)
HUBBY: yeah, God you should see the way she talks, the way she moves, she's just a darling
ME: WHO IS SHE (control goes out the door, and anger seeps in)
HUBBY: She wears this tight pink tracksuit with pink trainers and
ME: OMG, is she a child???
HUBBY then cracks up and says I got you didnt I? It aint funny you know, I said as a matter of factly, and besides I knew it right from the start. (Yeah right) hehe

Ups and downs thats marriage. A never ending rollercoaster, and you know what, Its fun. Kept me on my toes for the past year. Yet sometimes it used to get confusing. Who shall I be today, the wife??? the friend??? or simply the person??? They all are different. The wife needs love, tenderness and care and is expected to succumb to her husband's needs. The friend is someone who listens without judgement, someone who understands. The person is just plain old me, my person demands honesty, loyalty and openness....

Hmm this was supposed to be a short post, but I got carried away. Oh and I forgot to mention that it aint gonna be Greece we'll be going to, its actually the pyramids. Yup we're going to Egypt. I love Egypt, been to Cairo and Alexandria, but never been to Sharm El Sheikh. Thats where we are heading.....As for my trip to Iraq, well, still am waiting for the papers to get issued. Packed my clothes though, plain tshirts in batches of black, white, khaki and baby pink.....

I guess Im gonna stop here for now, and before I hit that publish button, I wanna say Im so glad that a favourate poet of mine has started his blog. Chris, a very warm welcome from me to you.

This past year has been so unique, been the Wife, the Friend and the Person.I wander whats it gonna be this coming year, who will I be??? I guess Ill just be ME, ME and more ME.....Neurotica(thanx Tilli for the nickname,I love it), The Neurotic Iraqi Wife......

Havent been in the mood to blog. I've got many things on my mind before I travel. HUBBY on the other hand wants to celebrate our 1st Year Anniversary under the Greek Ruins. Yup, HUBBY wants to pack his bags yet again and go to Greece. Godddddddddd, I never thought that the day will come where Ill be saying "Enough travelling please, Ive had enough". But the day did come, and quite sooner than I thought.

I tried to get out of it, but No, HUBBY wants to see Greece. HUBBY, I plead, please, Ive got many things to do and a pretty long and tiring trip ahead of me, Please HUBBY, lets do Greece some other time. Do men listen????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.Do men care???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. UUUGHHHHHHH. Im gonna strangle someone soon. So here I am back to the bloody searching business for flights from here to Athens, and from Athens toDC and ofcourse from Amman to Athens...

The prices I got were unbelievably high. Tried to tell HUBBY that spending about $5000 for 5 days aint worth it, but he's adamant. Suit himself. I aint gonna look for anything, HE wants to go, HE should BOOK. Im gonna sit here and do my last minute stuff. As for the DC trip apparantely Im only gonna be there for 2 days. Cant say much about the details, but 2 days wont be enough for me to see anything, especially when Ill be busy with briefings etc....

So many things on my mind and so little time. Im stressed out BIG TIME, and am freaking out. A couple of funny things happened a few days ago, but am real sorry, dont have the strength to type no more. Maybe once my mind is clear, Ill say all....

So for now, its Hiatus Time....

I walk into the darkness and hear them cry
Random voices but there’s no one around
Amid the forest, everything seems so dry
Queues upon queues, leaves lay on the ground

I kick the leaves and stumble on a stone
Rummaged through the trees with my hands and knees
Aching were my bones, but I continued alone
Quiet became the night, with a slightly cold breeze

I hear those cries yet again
Rain began to pour on the dry plain earth
Amid the soil, hands reached out in pain
Quickly I dig, Its a woman giving birth

I dig some more trying to help
Reeking was the place, reeking was the air
A hand, a leg, a mother crying for help
Queasy became my self, I reached down in despair

I felt the blood and the lifeless corpses
Rows upon rows of rotting humans
As they lay there, dead without causes
Questions I ask, where they Shia’s, Sunni’s, Kurds or Christians

Iraq was a place once ruled by the devil
Rivers he dried, money he stole
A million and more were left to shrivel
Quickly they were buried alive in a hole

It’s the mass graves everywhere you see
Running, are the spirits away from He
An unborn child couldn’t even flee
Quiet were the wombs, how else would they be….

Im sorry if this is a feeble attempt of poetry but Im just angry and pissed off at the moment.It boggles my mind when people still wander whether getting rid of Saddam was worth it. It angers me more when I hear "Human Right" activists complain about the way insurgents are being treated on TV. Give me a F****** break will you!!!! Where were your voices when Saddam and his men took people in the middle of the night from their homes, from their beds, and tortured them??? Where were your voices when bodies were cut up and thrown infront of houses for their families to claim???Where were your voices when his sons raped and murdered girls???

Tell me where were your voices when unborn children were buried in the earth. Thousands upon thousands just disappeared. Where were your voices when the massacre of Halabcha took place, or the massacre of the March uprising in the South???

Your reports didnt save them, and now you come and say that its against human rights for those criminals to be shown on TV??? My God!!! Dont give me text book words, and talk about principles. Do these "suicide" bombers have principles by killing hundreds of innocent people inorder to get a few hundred dollars??? Are these the principles we want to teach the new Iraqi generation????

These are videos of Saddam's men torturing people. I couldnt even continue watching, too disturbing too real. Be warned these videos are really DISTURBING and GRAPHIC. If you can watch them, watch them and then come to me and tell me that it wasnt worth it removing Saddam and his tyrant regime. Watch them and then come to me and tell me that these criminals on tv are being unjustifyingly slapped around.

Torture Video one (Beatings)
Torture Video two (Beheadings)

In my opinion, even if this show is a "hoax" which is what most Saddam die hards say, its giving people the courage to come forward and help catch those low life criminals. Id rather see one criminal tortured rather than hundreds of innocent people walking by minding their own business being shred to pieces by suicide bombs!!!

If that doesnt satisfy you, then look at the mass graves. The mass graves that until this day they are still discovering more and more of them. So umm yeah those were the days where people were safe,huh??? Those were the days were everyone was happy, yeah???Those were the days were people sang and dance,aha..... Yup Those Were The Days......

I have finally gotten my itiniery. Ill be leaving to DC on the 1st of May then a week later I'll be in Baghdad. Im getting abit agitated as its taking a real long time. Ive been to Washington 10 years ago. And to be honest I didnt like it that much. It was 1995 when my parents decided to take me and my younger sister to the States.

It was the first time for all of us to visit the USA. I was so damn excited. My Dad planned to take us all over. It was one of the most fun vacations I ever had. We went to California, and I just had a blast in Disney Land. I remember how before I took my sister(6yrs younger) there, I lectured her, that once I say its time to leave, we LEAVE. No crying, no pleading. And guess who stayed longer than expected in that fairy land,lol, non other than myself. It was like reliving my childhood dreams of Mickey and Minnie, Goofy and Donald Duck.

There I was a 20 year old skipping with utter happiness trying to get from one rollercoaster to another. While my sister just follows me in bewilderment. That was LA. Then we were off to Las Vegas where we took a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon. Wowwwwwww, the view was stunning. Although I wasnt in good shape since helicopter rides make me queazy, I still enjoyed the beautiful scenery. We also went to the Big Apple. Strangely enough I cant remember much about NY except maybe the shopping. After that off to Washington. Hmm, wasnt impressed much. The buildings reminded me so much of London. I hope this time, 10 years later, 10 years older, 10 years wiser, Ill see it in a different light.

Apart from the travel itiniery, I also received instructions on "what not to wear" in Baghdad,lol. Since three quarters of my closet is a NO NO, I had to go shopping. And I sure did shop until I dropped. Though I wasnt successful in finding my pants size. I'm a size 4 in the UK, which is a zero(I presume) in the US. I can never ever find my size here, which is why I never go shopping. I just end up depressed and instead of buying clothes I end up buying what else other than my favourate, SHOESSSSSSSSSSSS. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay...

So am hoping after the briefings in DC Ill have the time to do some shopping and find appropriate pants. One thing Im kind of anxious about is meeting my mother in law. You see I have never met my HUBBY's family. Non of them were able to attend our wedding ceremony, which was decided the last minute. Besides, it was only a sheikh wedding, no party.

Ive spoken to them on the phone, but never met them in person. I wanna meet them yet Im kinda scared. HUBBY told me that if his mom knows Im going to be in DC she will force me to stay with them. Umm, not something I wanna do. I can never stay at other people's houses. I enjoy staying at hotels, having my own space, my own bathroom. I can smoke whenever I want to, I can go for a walk whenever I please. So I guess Ill be calling them a day before I leave DC and if the opportunity arises Ill go and meet the "folkers".....

HUBBY and I havent been talking for a few days now. He got upset about something so silly which kinda surprised me, cuz HUBBY NEVER gets upset, nor does he like arguing. I smell a rat here, not sure why he's acting the way he is. I called him 10 times that night, he ignored my calls. I tried to chat with him on yahoo, he did not respond. At first I was pretty upset but now Im just sad. Sad that its always me who runs after him. Always me who tries to make up. Therefore I decided to leave him alone.

You reach a point where you say ENOUGH. A point where self pride kicks in. I know there shouldnt be any between a couple, but in this instance there is. There are limits to what you are prepared to do, I did all that I can but instead I got silence. Fair enough, Silence it's gonna be. Cant be bothered anymore.....

It really is true, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I just cant wait for HUBBY to come out from that darn Cave. That Cave is freezing, its cold, its lonely. The outside is warm, sunny and lively.... I take a small peek inside and a chilly breeze swooshes against my cheeks, for a second it makes me shiver, a musty aroma whiffs inside my nostrils, I hold my breath. I let out a small "hello" and instead I hear the echo HELLOLLOLLOLLOLLOOOO stinging my ears. I back out scared, and am standing outside waiting, waiting for HUBBY to leave that darn Cave. For its freezing, its cold and its a Lonely Lonely Cave......

London, April 9 2003

Woke up in a rush, my whole body aching, have only been sleeping 3 hours a day for the past 3 weeks. I didnt want to miss the infamous information minister's comic appearance. Switched on the TV and settled on Sky News. It was the only channel that I kinda liked and believed.

There he was my favourate reporter, David Chater, wearing his protective gear. Explaining to us whats exactly happening. I crouched down on the floor to take a good look. Then I heard the words "They are here, The Americans are here". OMG I thought to myself. So fast, so quick. You can see the rest of the reporters staring in amazement. The information minister was no where to be seen. All those Baathis criminals disappeared into thin air like little mice looking for a hole in the ground to protect their dirty skins.

Then the inevitable happened, I sat watching unbelievingly as the troops made way in to "Firdos" Square. Is this really happening, I said to myself. I was all alone in that appartment, watching as Baghdad begins a new era. Then, the banging started. Bang Bang Bang. The troops were trying to crush the statue with their tanks. They kept banging and banging. I had to call my parents, I had to call my brother, Oh God I wander how my elder sister is taking this.

I call my parents, and I can hear the excitement in their voices. The disbelief, after all these years, the years they spent outside their country. The years that were only filled with bittersweet memories of their lives in Baghdad. Mom used to always say "I will die and I will never see the end of that criminal, he will outlive us all" Little did she know. I called my brother who was so pro the war, something we always argued about. He was jubilent, over the moon. He said "Im finally going to see Iraq, Im finally going back to my country" My next phonecall was the most dreaded one. It was to my elder sister who lived in Iraq more than all of us, and has these patriotic ideoligies.

Her phone rang, the images on the tv are still showing the troops trying to get the statue down. Men have climbed up. She answered, sobbing. Sobbing so hard it broke my heart. Isaid" cmon, cheer up, dont do this to yourself, this is a new era, you gotto be happy, Saddam is gone, there's no more fear, no more tyranny". The only words that came out from her "Baghdad is gone" She couldnt take it, and hung up on me. Oh well I thought to myself, she will calm down later.

I watched, my mouth wide open, my eyes in disbelief, his statue has finally been pulled down. Then, whats this??? The American flag???(no disrespect but I wouldnt have minded if both flags were up at the same time) What???Why??? My shock was turning into anger, then there it was the Iraqi flag, High and Mighty rifraffing in the air. Believe me if I tell you that at the time, my feelings were mixed. I was all for the removal of Saddam and his tyrant regime, but I somehow foresaw the chaos that would take place later. Friends and relatives called to go out and celebrate in the many "hip" London restaurants. I refused.

I couldnt go out, not because I wasnt happy, I was, but I didnt have the heart to go out and be joyful when I knew that the war wasnt over yet. When I knew that people were still suffering. I just couldnt. I watched that man holding Saddam's poster and slamming it with his slippers and swearing. I began to smile. Good for you I said. You are finally FREE. Then the looting began and I sat there still bewildered at the events of that HISTORIC Day.


Emirates, April 9 2005

I sit and watch the tv, its the same square, but this time, no statue, no American tanks. Just hundreds of people protesting. Protesting for what exactly??? Protesting for the "occupiers" to leave. Who are the occupiers??? I thought we are a Sovereign State. I thought we had elections???I thought there's the National Assembly???I thought we had a New President??? Where are the occupiers??? Who are the occupiers???

The so called occupiers are non other than those CRIMINALS, those so called "JIHADISTS". Those THIEVES, those HEAD SLAYERS. The so called occupiers are those that KILL and KIDNAP. SLAUGHTER and SHOOT. These are the occupiers. These are the ones tainting Iraq. They are the ones that should be kicked out.

The multi national forces are leaving, be it now, be it later. But they ARE gonna go. The question here is, will the CRIMINALS leave??? Will the THIEVES leave??? Will the HEAD SLAYERS leave??? That is the question. I am sick and tired of protests. I am sick and tired listening to those ignorant sheikhs calling for Jihad in mosques. A place of worship, a place for reflecting, a place for PEACE. I am sick and tired of sleazy individuals appearing on TV claiming that "we will free Iraq, we will free Palestine from those infidels" What do you know about Iraq???

Iraq, the cradle of civilization. Who are YOU, to determine its future??? Yes things arent great, sure, how can it be??? Its not magic!!! A country that was abused, mentally, physically for 3 decades by a bloodless regime, wont be able to regain its strength in 2 years with a wand!!!
Its not gonna change because of the forces there. It will change when the Iraqi people allow it to. The change will come from within. The change will come when Iraqis UNITE. Thats when the real change will happen. When there wont be these are Sunni's, Shia's,Kurds, Turkmen, Chaldeans. There will only be these are IRAQIS.....

Mistakes happened, YES. Post war tactics were weak, YES. Some of the multi national forces committed crimes, YES. Some Iraqis are committing crimes, YES. Neighbouring countries are having their "jihad" war in Iraq, YES. Ministries are still corrupt, YES. Theres no safety, YES. People are still suffering, YES. But its gonna take years of perseverence, years of hard work, years of sacrificing until WE get it RIGHT. And we WILL get it RIGHT. There's no other way....


Baghdad, April 9 2033

Wow what an image, "Firdos" square in its utter beauty. Firdos meaning paradise and sure thing it looks like one. The sun is shining, the skies are clear. Its a public holiday, celebrating the 30th anniversary of the rebirth of Baghdad. Children playing in the fountains.Their jubilant screams fill the air. Their Families gather around watching them proudly. Lovers walking hand in hand. HUBBY and I choose an empty bench. We take a seat. We are tired, we are old. HUBBY places his walking stick aside, and takes my hand in his.

There are no protesters, there are no occupiers, and most importantly there are no CRIMINALS, no HEAD SLAYERS, no "JIHADISTS". The place is pure, its pure and shining....

We sit there smiling at the beautiful view. The water from the fountains look like crystal drops in the sunlight. Tears roll down my cheeks, and I begin to sniff. HUBBY tightens his grip, as to say "I know, I know its hard to believe". But we are here, we are alive, Alive In BAGHDAD........

Was walking in the mall the other day when I heard a kid shouting to his mom"I AM GOING TO TAKE THIS BAG,I WANT TO TAKE THE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG"his screams deafened my ears and made all passers by stare at his poor mother,but this was like deja vu. My mind went way back to when I was a 5 year old child living in Baghdad. Dont ask me how a child of 5 can remember these things, I know I do......

I was in a Kinder Garden School called the Mickey Mouse in Baghdad, in Al Mansour district, I doubt it still exists, and I remember one day the teachers gathered us all together and told us that tomorrow is a special day, we have to wear our best outfits cuz we are about to meet someone "special" who will be giving us many gifts. Full of excitement I went home and told my mom.

Tossed and turned in bed, who might this special someone be. Woke up way too early, got into my very best frilly dress, and matched it with my very best frilly socks. Sat on my bed and waited for everyone else to wake up. It seemed forever, until I heard my parents door open, I rushed to mom and told her "C'mon I wanna go to school",I never was this excited to go to my school before. The thought of getting gifts was far more important than the person giving them out,to me that is.

I have this small canvas handbag that had Snoopy the dog's picture on. I loved that bag, took it with me everywhere, it was something my mom got me from London(for me, a 5 yr old kid the place called "London" seemed like a magical place filled with toys). I absolutely cherished it, even though it became so worn out, I still carried it with me and used it as a lunch box. So anyways we arrive at school, the headmistress lined us all up and told us to leave everything behind and hop on the bus so we can go on our SPECIAL excursion.

Me being me, I held on to my Snoopy bag and as I was climbing the steps of the bus, I see a hand pulling at the straps of my bag, it was the teacher, she said "where do you think you are going young lady give the bag to me, you cant take it with you", I looked at her in horror, and screamed "I AM GOING TO TAKE THIS BAG, I WANT TO TAKE THE BAAAAAAAAAAAAG " she looked at me through her bottle thick glasses which made her eyes look as big as a tennis ball and said through her teeth "YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS BAG!!!".

You can see her patience running out, me being me again, I clutched at my bag even harder and gave her a challenging look as in to say to her, so what are you gonna do about it, and continued ascending the steps. As if by some miracle she read my mind and said " if you keep on being stubborn, you will not go with your friends on this trip and you will not get any gifts".

At that moment I wanted to kick her and I wanted to cry so badly but I did not want to show her any defiance. So I tried for one last chance to continue with climbing the steps of the bus with my Snoopy bag. She snapped at me, pulled the strap off my shoulder which in the process tore it off, and shouted "Ok off the bus now, you undeserving child, you are making us all late, you will stay in school while we are away". What nerves that woman had, thinking about it now I feel sorry for her. So I stepped off the bus and stood there on the pavement waving goodbye to my friends with a smile on my face,who cares about the presents I said to myself, atleast I have my Snoopy bag.

I sat in the classroom all alone. Tears filled my eyes as I took the torn strap in my hands. How could she do this to me, the donkey, (donkey being the only bad word I knew then,lol). The cleaning lady came to me and looked so sympathetically at me. Istarted whimpering and the tears just rolled down my cheeks. I told her what had happened, and how I will never be able to carry my snoopy bag anymore. She just took one look and said "Oh sweety, it can be fixed, let your mom stich it back". Slowly my smile returned on my face, and I couldnt wait to go back home.

A couple of hours later the kids came back carrying boxes and boxes of nicely wrapped presents. You can see their smiles from far away, and hear their laughter filling out the whole school. I asked my bestfriend who was it they saw, she whispered in my ears "we saw the PRESIDENT, we saw Mr SADDAM HUSSEIN". I felt a tinge of jealousy for a second. Did I feel upset, maybe at the time I did.

I cant really remember what was my mom's reaction to all this, all I remember was that she took me to my grandparent's house after she picked me up. My eldest aunt was sitting in the TV room. The news was on, and there right infront of my eyes, I see my friends taking pictures with SATAN himself and my aunt an old lady saying to me, "did you see that, that could have been you, you are such a stubborn child. You are spoilt rotten. If I was your mother I would have thrown that stupid old bag away". I looked at her and thought to myself Thank god YOU ARENT my mother....

God does work in mysterious ways, imagine me going on that trip and having to sit on SATAN'S lap. How would have that made me feel now, almost 26 years later. Thank god I didn't go, thank god I didn't get any of those stupid presents which I am sure were bought with poor Iraqis' money. Thank god I didn't go and get patted on the head with the hands that got tainted with innocent people's blood.

I am stubborn, not something to be proud of, but sometimes opportunities missed that seemed great at the time will only be replaced by something better!!! Simply because God does work in Mysterious Ways.........

Its been pretty hectic the last week. Not hectic in the sense that Ive got many things to do, No,hectic in a way that my mind has been working overtime. As well as my emotions were kind of having a party of their own. And by the way, it wasnt a happy party, it was more like a morbid one.

I decided to go ahead and sign the papers regardless what HUBBY told me. The more I delay things the more edgy I become. I watched as those papers were fed into the fax machine and were gone one by one.This is it, my excitement cannot be described. After a few days, I was bombarded with a "to do" list. Check ups, immunisations, shots, tests.

I have been poked, injected, tested, X-rayed, and now Im kinda feeling sick. All those immunisations are having an effect on me. With all that Im actually proud of myself. Im known to faint just looking at a needle. I have a serious phobia from injections, especially when they take blood from me. I usually have the nurse poke me a couple of times until she finds what she's looking for. And that just kills me. They all say "you have no meat on you, and your veins are very hard to find" Yuck....

So by going alone, yesterday, It was more of a challenge. In normal times I would ask a friend to accompany me, but this time, I decided to take the plunge, just me, myself and I. The doctors were pretty cool. When they ask why do you need all this? I smile proudly and say "Am going to Iraq". They just sit and stare at me, unbelievingly. Their expressions, priceless, and I laugh to myself. Then they go on giving me lectures, and the check ups turn into one political debate. Whats more funny, is the fact that I completely forgot to mention that Ive got my HUBBY there,Lol.

I could have avoided most of these immunisations had I gotten my file from my GP in London. When I called up the clinic in London to ask whether I can have my papers sent to me, I had the lady reply "Oh gosh, we are a private clinic now, all your files have been trashed" Hmm, how very nice of them. I was on the National Health Service, but that doesnt mean they have the right to bin my health history. Oh well, cant go bin fishing in London now can I?

So basically, Im almost done with the medical side of things, except now am waiting for the TB results, which usually is revealed after 72 hours. I was told not to wash my arm for 3 days!!!! I guess am gonna have such a fun time in the shower. One thing that kinda confused me is the HIV test. That test was optional, I had thought HIV testing was essential. But no it wasnt required. I did it in anycase, I might as well, I had such incredible courage yesterday which I doubt would be repeated anytime soon in the future.

I havent been told when will I be travelling to DC yet. I presume it should be sometime next week or the week after. One thing though that really upset me, was the fact that HUBBY wants to go on his R&R despite the fact that Ill be going to Baghdad. Which was actually booked to celebrate our anniversary. I couldnt believe my ears. I was so upset, that I started crying on the phone. All the feelings of elation just evaporated. I couldnt believe how selfish he can be.

It felt like, the more I try to get closer to him, the more he slips away from me. (I havent vented for so long, so please allow me these couple of minutes to cry on your shoulders). I mean, fine, he wants to have a break, I really understand that, but to have a break while I'll be on my way to Baghdad??? It doesnt make sense. After crying my eyes out, and after giving him a piece of my mind, HUBBY starts laughing, and says"Oh sweety am teasing you, cmon QTpie, I wont leave you, Im just joking around". I told him that he chose the wrong moment to tease cuz my emotions havent been intact lately. I think he mentioned his R&R to test the waters. And believe you me, the waters were pretty huge waves banging at him..... Serves him right.....

My mother seems to have calmed down. The only thing she managed to say when she saw the vast number of band aids on my arms is "You're crazy, dont go". I guess she was pretty impressed to know that I had gone all by myself to do the tests and immunisations, and I presume that was when it hit her that Im pretty serious about this.

I still cant believe am going to see my country in less than a few weeks after all these years of yearning. Its weird when I think about it. Rose of Diary from Baghdad is leaving Iraq coming here to the Emirates, my cousin has taken his family out as well, and I know many others are leaving.

I guess for them its not a matter of patriotism anymore, cuz I know they all are patriotic but now its more of a survival game. They have responsibilities, they have helpless children depending on them. The risk of staying is far more destructive than rewarding. And I totally understand what they must be going through. It aint easy leaving one's house, one's memories, one's loved ones, but it has to be done. As for me, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain its just me and My Will To Survive.....