neurotic Iraqi wife

Remember the time when I wrote about how one US company was making millions and it built nothing...Now that it is published, I can speak about it...Im reading an article right now about that same company in the LA Times. Its funny how the contractors blame the Gov and vice versa....In all honesty and truth, and I should know cuz I know people who worked on this project, Parsons are the ones to blame for the massive failure. The project managers who were overseeing Parson's progress, predicted that the program will never finish in Dec of 2005. Parsons promised to deliver 142 Primary health care clinics (PHCs) by end of Dec, the project managers predicted only a few will be completed by then. But the upper managemet believed who else but Parsons, in hope that they might be saying the truth....Umm yeah sure...

Parsons took millions, millions of Tax payers money and did nothing, nada, zilch...even the ones they completed in some instances were of such poor quality that the Iraqi ministries refused to sign the accpetance letters....Had they given the contracts to Iraqi contractors who would do the work themselves then this job ould have been completed by now, with half the money spent...I dont wanna linger on that subject, but all I wanna say is that it WAS NOT the US government's fault that this program failed....It was the upper management of the organisation that gave their own employees the deaf ear whoch brought this whole thing on....The only fault the gov committed in my opinion is giving such contracts to US companies....Instead of encouraging Iraqi construction firms, and contractors, and benefiting them, they chose the hugely beauraucratic money grabbing firms....And i aint gonna say no more about the subject...

I have completely blocked the news surrounding me ... dont wanna know whats goin on...I just read the news articles and make no judgement nor form an opinion, for Ive had enough of the S*** that is going on...Its becoming like a broken record...same thing everyday, killings, shoot outs, kidnappings, suicide bombers...I dont want to even know if the gov is formed or not...I stopped caring, well not entirely but for the time being....I cannot handle the bad news....I wanna take a few days off, just a few days....

Another guy, an Iraqi British, was given the boot today...It is just hilarious how the firm is targetting Iraqi expats..I mean give me a break....it became a laughing matter...so far there are 4 remaining....And we joke and make bets who will be next on the list...All the other non iraqi expats are staying, infact they are bringing more people in....I certainly dont care but HUBBY started getting on my nerves....He keeps saying, I iwll fight it, I will show them...Im gonna come back...Umm huh???come back where HUBBY??? I will come back here if I dont find any jobs in 3 months...You will see, I have loads of opportunites here...I mean just him saying that infuriates me...Cuz here I am, resigning from a job I enjoy doing, kinda looking forward to living a normal married life, when I get him saying every now and then, I will be back...sounds just like whats his name, umm, Arnie....So again I stopped commenting...I keep telling him to get over it, but he doesnt listen...this guy is gonna give me a heart attack one day...

On to some other stuff....I have to start packing my things, and i have no clue where to start...Im keeping my shoes last...but umm...I have so much clothes here, and Ive only worn a quarter of those in the past year....I dunno what to do, where to start and what to give away...I absolutely hate packing, although when I pack, I have to admit, I pack meticulously, but its just sitting down and deciding what needs to be out and what needs to be in...hmm, I think I will leave the packing till later...Now my packing wil be much much easier than HUBBY's...OMG...the amount of stuff he has is just unbelievable...I mean I think I should take a pic of my cabinet and his to compare....He is worse than a woman....he has like over 30 pairs of pants, over 30 shirts, and most of them are stuff that umm cant be even worn to a grocery shop....

I still remember 2 years ago, before he came here, during our 3 day honeymoon, how he asked me to take him to the cheapest stores there are...Umm needless to say I didnt know any except for an Indian market that no longer exists...He fell in love with it and bought god knows how many clothes with such little money...I think he enjoyed the haggling part more than the clothes themselves...I tend to shy away from such stuff...really bad at bargaining, except here where I use my Iraqiness as a TRUMP card...The stalls here in Baghdad, tend to sell stuff double, three times, even four times the price to the Americans...Once I talk to them in Iraqi, they give me lower than half price...lol...but I pay them the full amount in any case, just proving a point to myself that hey I can do it too....lol...So in anycase, HUBBY fell in love with that Indian Market, I mean utterly in love....I guess he felt somehow smart by bargaining...

HUBBY: How much are these pants
Indian seller: Sir they are 150
HUBBY: A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!!!! (his eyes popping out)
IS:No sir no, 150 dirhams (shaking his head from side to side)
HUBBY: A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DIRHAMS!!! WHY???I can get much cheaper in America (accent turning slightly to match that of the IS)
IS: But sir, this good quality, this is pure cotton sir, look at the quality sir...(taking the pants on his hands and turning them inside out)
IS: LOOK sir, look, this is TOP, TOP quality...u no find anywhere in market same same...
HUBBY(looks at me, and Im just staring into space, indicating I dont wanna be part of this)
HUBBY: Ok look I buy 5, i give you 150...(HUBBY starts taking the cash out)
IS: No sir, no, cannot, is good quality sir, see hand made...
HUBBY: ok i buy 4 i give you 100...(Im laughing my ass off here)
IS: Oh noooo sir (the shaking of the head becomes vigourous) NO, what you do is haram...I have baba(father), mama(mom) mal ana(all of a sudden the indian seller turns speaking broken arabic) fee old, very old people...have to give food, no money...
HUBBY: Ok I no buy..too much money this..BYE...

AS we walk away...The IS shouts, ok sir ok, for you i give 100, HUBBY tells me under his breath to continue walking and not look back...but im really feeling sorry for the IS now...we continue walking...The IS's screams become louder...SIR SIR I GIVE YOU 90...HUBBY again tells me to continue walking....The screams becomes begging and we hear running footsteps...The IS is behind us..OK sir he says...his eyes twitching..ok sir, what u want to pay???HUBBY tries to act cool and says I changed my mind...IS contniues...Ok sir I give you this look good quality 100% cotton, 50, only 50..HUBBY rolls his eyes, and shakes his head...IS then said ok sir, take (pushes the pants onto HUBBY) and tells him give me 20....OMG im thinking..OMG...from 150 to 20!!!! WTH.....yet i felt soooooooo bad for the guy, I mean i know they probably make good money, but still...HUBBY took out the cash and without hesitating paid him the 20...I nudged him and said give him extra khatiya(poor guy)...HUBBY said watch and learn from the expert with a cute smirky smile covering his entire face...Umm needless to say this scenario was repeated quite alot of times, until HUBBY ended up with 2 suitcases filled with 100% hand made cotton pants, 100% hand made cotton shirts, 100% hand made cotton shorts, oh and forgot to mention 100% hand made cotton socks!!!!LOL...

So umm Im gonna give packing HUBBY's stuff a miss, and settle for doing my own stuff only....Sorry HUBBY, I no give you 100% hand made perfect quality wife...

I was in dire need of chocolate...I mean all i could think of the whole day is one of those yummy cadbury milk chocolate fruit and raisin bars...I am already salvating....In order to get decent chocolate here you have to go to the PX. And umm going to the PX, you need a car....Needing a car you have to go to sector managers and ask them if the cars are free...They give you a blank look and say we dont know...check out the sign out sheet...ok fine...I check out the sign out sheet and almost everyday for the coming days all the cars are booked...one of them is booked the whole week by WOB...Yup she is back....She never left in the first place...but I just had other stuff to write about I guess.....So anyways...my pride doesnt really allow me to ask her if i can use the car...so I forget about the car, the PX and subsequently the chocolate...And besides I wouldnt find Cadbury's at the PX.....sigh....

After convincing myself that its time to forget about chocolate and move onto other stuff...I have already gone through a bag of skittles, a bag of starbust sweets and a few lollies (short for lollipops)....all of which where bought like a month ago....but atleast it satisfied my sweet tooth cravings....So I sit there staring at the two monitors I have...yup I have not one but two, side by side....I acquired the second one from the leftovers of LTC Perfect...Infact I grabbed it before anyone changed their mind and wanted it...It kinda gives you that intelligent, hardworking look..two screens, 2 spreadsheets filled with utter non sense...but hey I aint complaining....Oh and ofcourse I use it as a cover up to read emails and news...The emails I minimise so much that I can barely see the words, and same with news...Usually after completing all my tasks, I surf the net and check out whats happenin around me...A few days ago I received an email to check this Lebanese site..Its actually a tv station in Lebanon running a reality tv show...Yup the Arab world has also been hit by the reality fever ...From star academy (Pop Idol), to survivor, to who wants to be a millionaire, to etc etc etc....

I guess its a way of entertainment, away from all the violence, all the bad news surrounding us..and people do enjoy it...Although Fatwa's were issued regarding these shows telling people how corrupt and that its against our beliefs and religeon....Um in anycase, so I check out the site and its a reality TV show called missionfashion....Where a group of designers and models join the house for I dont know how many weeks, and it follows the usual rules of being nominated each week and the one with greater votes gets to stay....I was told by my friend that a young aspiring Iraqi fashion designer is on that show...hence my interest...What an amazing thing to have with all this violence, all this upheaval, some hope, hope that youngsters like her can have and aim high and get somewhere in this world....Although from what I know she has lived all her life outside, but she has strong roots here....

This is what I like to see....this is exactly what I want to see for the future of Iraq...Aspiring youngsters who want to do something with their lives..build themselves and have a career. Fashion Designer Iraq, was nominated to leave the house along with Fashion Designer Kuwait..One of them had to get the most votes inorder to be able to continue with the competition...Iraqi vs Kuwaiti...Wow what a combination....I was sure that the Kuwaiti guy would get to stay, not for his talents cuz I believe from what I have seen, he has no taste in clothes but from the amount of supporters he may have from the Gulf countries...I was praying for FD Iraq to win....Really praying...And....SHE DID....she got 80,000 votes vs 13,000 votes...I mean wowwwwwww...what a relief..what an utter relief....FD Iraq is gonna shine and show the world that Iraqis are talented...The visions you see on TV, paint a really wrong picture of Iraqis...This is some of her work while she was at college














We are known to have the most talented engineers in the region...The most talented scientists, the most intelligent Doctors...Hell we even were the first to know mathematics...We ARE the mother of all civilizations...And we will stay this way...I get insulted when someone stops me and asks where Im from and when I tell them Iraq, they would have their mouth drop and say but you speak perfect english...Umm yeah, why??? Do you have a problem with that???I mean why do people think we are illiterate or stupid???or incapable???

Iraqis are strong willed people...if they put their minds on something they will exel in it...But umm we do have exceptions...And I aint gonna talk about that now cuz Im blocking all the bad news for the time being....So you see...This FD Iraqi is the perfect example for all those young Iraqis who are watching....I really hope she gets to win the competition and live her dream in becoming a worldwide international Designer....Inshallah (God Willing)....She will be joining a long list of talented Iraqis all over the world....Take for example Zaha Hadid or the long list of Iraqi artists and many many more that have beautiful minds and magical hands....

This is just a small peek, a small peek through the window, The Window of Iraqi Talent....

Im kinda bummed out....Not cuz we are leaving, on the contrary, as I said that it is something we wanted to do...Im bummed out at the attitude we are getting from the management of the organisation...They lied to HUBBY apparantely and told him that it was the Government's (US) decision for wanting him out...OMG...When our Col found out that this was said, he went upto HUBBY and told him, that the Gov Leads do not ever interfere with the Organisation's staffing policies, and that he never had a problem with HUBBY...He said that he will be sending his complaints to the leadership back in the US...Cuz apparantely this is not the first time that this organisation used the Gov's name in ending someone's assignment...I was glad the Col had a talk with HUBBY...that really meant alot to us...LTC Nice Guy (Im gonna give them nicknames to hide their identities) also had really nice words for me...I had snapped at him in the morning(yup I snap at Gov and Civ, Im known to have a fiery personality) without meaning to...so I apologised to him later by sending him an email and explaining to him why I was in a bad mood....He was very understanding and extremely caring....And I must admit, that this group of Gov leads we had in the past 4 months were by far the best...oh and all of them are Air Force...

Since working closely with LTC Perfect (He left awhile back) I acquired a soft spot for all AF personnel...I mean the class, the demeanour they have...the way the want to accomplish tasks and perfect them is just amazing....The energy, the positive energy they have, wowwww, I mean they did a great job for the Program...LTC Perfect used to stay up all night long working...he used to go on and on and on....only few hours of sleep(always questioned him about how he can do that).....such a determined personality..and because he wanted people to do their job properly, he wasnt liked by certain people, but he definitely was respected...and feared....lol...I aint saying the rest of the Military are bad...On the contrary, everyone I met so far wanted the job done and for Iraq to prosper...Every single one of them....

Its the organisation's management that messed up , (and when I say organisation I mean the company that opened a branch here to over look projects) ...All they cared about was the darn award fee and they never took care of their own staff, nor do they have the experience in managing such high profile programs..What a shame....I heard 2 more people quit already....the place is gonna be a ghost town...I had so many colleagues of mine come to me after finding out we are leaving, and they expressed their sadness....thats one thing im gonna miss...The people I met and formed friendships with...

Yesterday was kinda relaxing day...our second anniversary and HUBBY showered me with kisses and hugs all day long....felt good, but had the worst migraine ever....lasted well through the night and so wasnt in the mood for what HUBBY had in mind...ahem ahem ...and inorder for him to umm get off my back...I pulled up my trouser legs and said look HUBBY arent my legs nice???with a cheeky smile on my face...Well didnt get a chance to wax them in over umm lets say I will keep it hushed for now...The look on his face was priceless...he has never seen me this way...I mean in broad day light....lol...well hellooooo I work like a horse and come back dead, when do u expect me to sit and maintain myself....Besides it takes so much time and energy, and I havent gotten any...so needless to say...the idea he had earlier evaporated pretty quick i must admit....it was the pewfect anniversary confession....he he

Now that I will be going back to a normal life, I will have no excuse....but I must admit, there are women here who look like theyve been to the beauty salons everyday...how do they manage I have no clue...the high heels, the short skirts, the hair all fixed and coloured to perfection...You look at me and umm, you think what is a school girl doing here...My long hair lacks style and lustre with the roots showing...my clothes are always the same...since I dont really consider this place as a fashion runway...and heels...umm, what are those again??? I prance with my lovely collection of sneakers...Oh and ofcourse I have my cardigan on 24/7...Im freezing all the time even in this hot weather...I sit in the sun whenever I go smoke, yet my cardigan is on...and people start teasin me about it...Well what can I do...thats how Im made biologically...

Tomorrow we will start clearing stuff away...giving away stuff...I need to find out if I can ship my baggage to where im going....cuz it aint gonna be to the States...I have so much to do and think about....I saw Zarqawi's video....I hope those who had conspiracy theories about him being an invention would wake up and smell the roses....I do not understand what sort of a muslim person he is to encourage the killing and slaughtering of innocent people...He is trying to wage a civil war...Im a Shia, HUBBY is a Sunni, but we never ever differntiate...we consider ourselves Iraqi....we do though go into heated conversations, but we dont have the animosity that everyone thinks there is between the sects...And it is sad to see sunnis blaming shias, and shia's blaming sunni's.....it is those invisible dirty hands like Zarqawi, bin laden, Iran, Saddam loyalists that are behind all this...

I definitely do not agree with death squads, nor militias...I do not agree with loyalty to a different country other than Iraq...I see these people as the worst leaders anyone can have....Whe will we stand unified against the enemy I have no clue...When will the leaders bypass the chair for once and think of their people, I have no idea....But lets see how this new government will do...Maybe just maybe they will find a solution to the mayhem thats going around....Oh and I forgot to mention that the Green Zone has stopped being a 24/7 electricity....GZ residents are now themselves suffering from power outages.....Our compound still has 24/7 but outside the compound has been tied to the grid in the Red Zone as I have been told....

Anyways, I think Ive talked enough for today....I am ready to go to bed, snuggle next to HUBBY and oh thank god theres no star trek DVD's no more, he has finished the series....Yaaaaay... I can choose whatever channel to watch tonight....finally....And tomorrow is yet Another Ground Hog Day.....

My resignation is in...thats it...We are leaving end of May....Isnt it funny how just a few days ago I was saying we havent decided yet...well they have done the thinking for us...HUBBY and I werent talking to each other for a few days now hence the vast amount of blogging i was able to do...actually it was him who stopped talking to me for a very stupid reason...needless to say I had no idea what was going on until a colleague of mine asked me why was my husband cranky...I gave her a blank look and said I have no clue...She said is it true he was leaving??? I said leaving??where???I guess she realised that she probably said something she shouldnt and said umm oh i dunno...i guess things got twisted and they just meant you guys were going on R&R...hmm, my heart sank but I didnt wanna show her that we aint talkin to each other.....

I couldnt wait for long until I approached him...I asked if he was gonna stay not talkin to me for long...he said now is not the time....I said look, you better talk to me cuz I hate it when you do this...you are 45 yrs old...its childish for you to act this way...so he immediately said, they laid me off..Im leaving end of May...OMG I thought to myself...the B******....how could they do that to him....but again i pretended that its ok, that things will be better...that its about time we left....and that eventually they will know what they have lost...

He went on by saying...you dont have to leave..I will look for something else here...Huh HUBBY over my dead body...literally...I mean if we leave this place then we leave this country full stop...there is no half way....so I went ahead and submitted a resignation via email...I do have mixed feelings...but at the end of the day, thats what we wanted....to leave....And I hope the organization will realise that they have made big mistakes by taking out Iraqi Expats...We were around 12, now we are 7, and end of May they will have 2..Only 2 cuz the rest are leaving as well...We were supposed to be the bridge...the bridge between the Iraqi ministries and the organisation....but this bridge was smashed to pieces...And I have no regrets...HUBBY is upset out of principle....but theres a verse in the Quran "Wa Asa an takrahu shay'un wahuwa khayrun lakom" Which simply means, you may hate something that is best for you....

We will have to start clearing stuff away...giving clothes out...but mind you I will never depart with my shoes...I havent counted how many pairs of sneakers I have...all the colours you can ask for....these will definitely come with me...some I bought in Hongkong...fake Puma's, i have orange, pink and lime green...I also own a few pairs of converse...not one will be given away...they are my treasure....

So now the real test will begin....the test of marriage...we had no responsibilities, no house to take care of...no chores to do...no food to be cooked...everything was there set for us...So umm, I will have to brush on all that again...maybe buy a few cook books...and start my trials once we settle down..Until now we have no idea what so ever what we will be doing...plan is we go to where my parents are...look for an appartment and ofcourse jobs...Then I iwll have to start worrying about a family...I keep askin myself, I have been with HUBBY almost one year now, living together..how come we never got pregnant??? Mabye theres something wrong with me...or with him...So after settling I guess we will have to investigate into that....And no, we never used protection, I hate that kinda stuff...nor pills either....tried them once and they had a bad effect on me...so I stopped...

Many things to think about ha...wont be easy but hey nothing is easy in life...So this is it...I will keep on blogging until we leave...and now I will start taking pics....tomorrow is our second year anniversary and Wow what 2 yrs they have been...I tell you...marriage is really hard work....its not a bad thing but umm...needs loads of patience and comprimising...I can do the latter at times but Patience...God I cant even stand that word..not me at all...I have a short fuse...nothing im proud of...but im working on it...especially when HUBBY is the total opposite...infact we ARE total opposites in everything...

He likes: vanilla ice cream...I hate vanilla, I love choc ice cream
He likes: shade, I worship the sun
He likes: Pool and an umbrella, I hate pool, I love beach, sand and sun
He hates reading books: I live on books.....
He throws everything on the floor...umm I throw everything on the chair....
He loves ice cold drinks...I love warm drinks...
He sleeps early...Im a night person...
He watches star trek every night....I love to watch a movie every now and then...
He loves the AC to be extremely cold....naturally I freeze to death...
He hates salads and fruits...I can live on salads if I want to
I love walking..He is a lazy bum...
He hates appartments in high rises, I love high rises
He loves SUVs, I love tiny cars...
If you tell HUBBY something, and you dont want anyone to know, you have to make sure to repeat "do not tell anyone, do not tell anyone, do not tell anyone" maybe 10 times for him not to open his big mouth...Tell me something once...and it stays there like a well ....never leaves my lips...

Hmm, I can go on and on and on..One thing we totally agree on though and that is SMOKING...yeah I know...bad habbit, will kill us and poison our lungs...but its somehing we both do..so I can live with all the above....So umm you see, its gonna be one helluva tough adjusting to do...but we will get there...hopefully....

This neurotic wife I think will be more neurotic than ever in the next few coming months...uhoh...Poor HUBBY....Oh well...Time will only tell...any tips or advice are certainly welcome....I got a few from my family, not that i acted upon them....maybe i should start taking yoga classes....hmm now thats a thought...

I will save my goodbyes till later..for now..this is it...the countdown has begun...The Final Countdown...

As I was walking back to my room, I saw this young girl sitting on the pavement...staring at the sky....the orange sky, for today we had a semi sandstorm....everything looked orange for awhile....I wandered what a young girl her age is doing sitting there in such bad weather.....I was intrigued and suddenly i find myself right next to her...its like something gravitated me towards her, just like a magnet.....she seemed so vulnerable...so alone....

I kneeled infront of her...took out a cigarette and lit it...while i puffed, i said "hey, hello there, whats your name??? she replied in such a lovely low voice "my name is wa'ad"...(Wa'ad means promise)...Wow nice name i said..what are you doing here in this weather....she didnt answer....i looked at her..she had the most beautiful deep green eyes....I started studying her face...a tiny aristocratic nose, full pink lips....short black hair swiped behind her ears...her arms so skinny...her legs i can see are long....

She began to cough ever so slightly...i immediately put my cig out...and said sorry Wa'ad...and repeated, why are you sitting here, where is your family???Do you live here??? She shrugged and said yeah i live around....wheres your family??? she looked at me with those eyes of hers and said I have none...hmm, i thought to myself...I couldnt leave her.....something about her, about her vulnerability...I said ok sweetie, what do u mean u dont have none?? where are they??

They left me a long time ago....but they promised me they promised me they will come back and get me....and I promised them, i promised them that I will be waiting..waiting for them....

Where did they go

I dont know....they disappeared one day and left me all alone...but they promised they will come back they will come back and get me and I believe them....i believe them cuz they promised...

Ok, what about brothers, sisters, relatives???where are they???

They abandoned me...We were one huge family...kids everywhere, playing and laughing...but that was a long long time ago...I had neighbours...many of them...they used to come and have tea with us in our beautiful garden...but they abandoned me too...

Why I asked

I dont know she said with tears starting to flow down her cheeks....I dont know why....after my family left me, I went and knocked on my neighbour's house...once they saw me...they shut the door on me..I dont know why...but i promised...i promised i will come back....

Wa'ad..you cant be alone...youre not making any sense....are you sick Wa'ad???

She looked angrily at me...with her tears still flowing...and her shoulders began to shudder...Im not sick....they promised me...they promised they will come and get me....and i believe them...everytime i try to get up something pulls me back....I cant walk....

Why cant you walk Wa'ad??? is your leg hurting you???did someone hurt you???are you in pain...

She said the pain is here...and she pointed at her heart...

I was astonished at such wisdom....such wisdom from such a young girl....I couldnt leave her...I just couldnt...

everyone I love abandons me...she looked right at me...i can feel her piercing eyes...their unbelievable power...

everyone i love abandons me...she repeated...but im here...here to stay cuz i promised...i promised that i will be waiting...waiting for them...waiting for them to get me...waiting for them to save me....my name is Wa'ad...and I did promise....and i will keep my part...they too promised and i believe them...

You will see she said...you will see, they will come and save me...for ive never hurt anyone...I opened my arms to everyone...i used to hug my mom and dad everyday...told them i loved them...but that was a long time ago....i used to take care of my brothers and sisters and see to their every need....but that was a long time ago...i used to serve tea to the neighbours and they would smile at me...but that was a long time ago.....All i gave was love....thats all i knew...i only knew how to love...yet they abandoned me...but they promised...they promised they will come back and get me...and i believe them....

And I promised that I will be here...i will always be here waiting, waiting for them...for im Wa'ad...I am Iraq's Wa'ad...Iraq's Wa'ad that will never give up...Iraq's Wa'ad that was abandoned by my family...my family that I loved....Iraq's Wa'ad that was abandoned by my brothers and sisters...my brothers and sisters that I cared for...Iraq's Wa'ad that was stabbed by my neighbours...my neighbours that stabbed me not once, not twice...but a million times....but i promised...i promised i will be back...for Im Wa'ad...Iraq's Wa'ad... Iraq's Promise....

They are still fighting on who becomes PM of Iraq.....I cannot fathom, that after over 4 months, we still do not have a government!!! I cannot fathom, how these useless so called politicians cannot sit on a darn table and make a decision....Do they care about their people one bit??? Do they??? Its that darn chair again...Al Jaafari stepped down but do you think any of those nominated are better??? I didnt think he did a good job but will the others be able to stop the uncontrollable killings???

We need someone with an iron fist...Someone who would put their foot down and save the Iraqis.....shoulda happened the minute Saddam was toppled....but whats the point of shoulda, coulda, woulda...the damage has been done....Gangs upon gangs are operating right now in Iraq...its a country of mobs...you dont know who is who anymore.....Mahdi militia, badr army, al qaeda, saddam loyalists, so called neighbouring arabs...oh and ofcourse those who kill just for the money....

Im so sick and tired of this...literally sick and tired....I ask myself when will things get better...when will Iraq be normal again??? Is there such hope....Can you tell me what hope looks like cuz I think Ive forgotten....And btw, thats just me talkin, someone who lives within the green zone...someone who has the luxury of 24 electricity, clean water, a somehow safe environment...This is me talkin like that, what about those who are living the reality of all this....Im not living in Iraq...I see the beautiful blue sky, I breathe the same air, Im surrounded by the Date trees, but thats as far as I get to be in Iraq....

That guy at work, the one who was sarcastic really upset me, but do I blame him for feeling this way...No way, I cant....He is right...I wander if I havent left Iraq when I was 5 how would things be...Would I still be the me that I am today....would I still be alive....I wander....Questions, questions, questions but no answers....

I just came back from the only decent restaurant in the GZ...HUBBY looked at me while waiting for our food, and said wow this seems almost like normal..dont you think??? Umm yeah it does...People having dinner in the garden...cats roaming about, mosquitos flying by....aroma of grilled food filling the nostrils...no helicopters hovering over us....no mortar sounds....Slight music coming from inside the place....the smell of the hubbly bubbly filling the air....yeah HUBBY, you know what, it does feel somehow normal....but I wander whats happening outside...Outside in the place that has been dubbed as the Red Zone.....The Red Zone that truely has become Red....Red the Colour of Blood...

Did I say we were leaving??? Umm it doesnt seem like it...We wanna leave yet we havent put our hearts to it...And it is hearts mind you and not minds...Although almost everyone we know from our office is either resigning or their contracts didnt get renewed...I wanna go, but memories of this place is just pulling me back...Im not sure if im making sense...I had good times here, as well as bad....I made friends that I will never forget...I met people who left such an impact on me....I guess I dont want to turn the final page of the novel yet...Im taking as much time as I can holding onto it....Dont wanna read the last sentence of the book...You know what I mean???

So I keep avoiding the subject when HUBBY tries to open it with me....Its funny how the table turned around...It was always me nagging the poor guy to get outta here, yet this neurotic wife has turned into her old ways....In a weeks time its gonna be our second year anniversary....Two years would have passed since we got married....One of them spent apart and the other spent together...Spent together in a place I once called home...Things are different now....I cant see this as home anymore....Although I will never give up my roots, but theres no way I can say Im home...Cause home is where the heart is....The heart is unfortunately not here...Not in this country that is seeing too much of a bloodshed....

I dont want this post to be depressing as all my other past posts have been...I realised that the minute I came here to Iraq, my writing has become gloomy...overshadowed by the events that are taking place....I dont like that one bit....It aint me....but I only write what I see/hear and feel...Everytime I wanna blog, I just close the page...it will all be about the useless government that we have.....the people that are dying for no particular cause....the kidnappings that are still taking place...the criminal suicide bombers who target innocents....the colleagues that risk their lives everyday just to come to work...I seem to be drowned in those events that are surrounding me....

Yesterday I was asking after a colleague of mine who hasnt showed up to work for a few days now...I was told that A's neighbour has been kidnapped and when released the neighbour told A that the kidnappers had asked about him....That just scared the hell out of A so now he stopped coming to work.....He is one amazing guy...the most quiet, the most hardworking guy you can ever meet...He is one of those harmless people who just smiles and tries to joke about everything...So as my other colleagues were telling me A's story, I ended the conversation with "well you guys take care ok....be very careful when coming into here". One of them gave me an evil smile and said sarcastically "why dont you come out and see how we are living, see how the real Iraqis are surviving" he said it with such contempt that really hurt me...I didnt know what to tell him...I said I want to go out of this place and see the real Baghdad, but Im not allowed to...He then replied again with that sarcastic voice "come and stay just for one day without electricity, come and stay and feel the fear we have everyday from getting killed for no reason whatsoever..." I stared at him...and said the only thing we all say here "Allah Kareem" (God is generous" or Inshallah (God willing) things will get better...But yet I felt so lame....

There I am coming from the "outside"' trying to make them feel better...Who am I to talk, and thats what this guy was trying to tell me...Who are you to tell us to take care...Look at you, youre living in the fortified Green Zone, you have electricity all the time...you have security 24/7...Who are you to tell us be careful....

And this is exactly what puts me down....But he is just one guy...one guy out of the 10's who dont see things that way...and do not differntiate...

Right now Im at a point of a crossroad in my life....You know the feeling when you have just graduated recently yet you have no clue what you wanna do...This is exactly where Im at...I can close my eyes and see my future, the future I have always drawn in my mind...but its not as clear as it used to be...its more like a mosaic of broken pictures....Im trying to put everything together up here, in my mind...but something is stopping me and Im not sure what it is...My mom freaked out when I spoke to her on the phone and told her that it seems Im not coming sooner...You know how moms are...She started giving me lessons on what a wife should be bla bla bla...I just put the cell phone as far as I can from my ears and yet I still could hear her crescendo voice coming through that teeny weeny bit of a speaker...Then she went on talking about how my life is going away just like that...the years are passing me by..Umm the "years"???Ive only been here one year..what is she on about???? I guess what she meant was starting a family....which thinking about it was the first plan I ever had to get HUBBY back to me when he was alone here....Those were the days huh.....Seems like ages....

So I just finished that conversation with the only way I know...OK Mom, ok...we will see....and that was that.....I dunno things may change soon....Im starting to apply for jobs elsewhere, and if I do get something no doubt I will leave....In Hindsight, my mom is right...its time to live my life normally....

On a last note...if you think a civil war is taking place here then you are wrong...Iraq has become a huge terrorist pocket....Sunni's, Shia's, kids, elderly, women, men, working with coalition forces,working with Iraqis, makes no difference anymore....Its you and your luck...Its you and your time...Its one of those "in the wrong place at the wrong time"....thats how it is....This is the reality of things....Wrong Place....Wrong Time....