neurotic Iraqi wife

Did I say we were leaving??? Umm it doesnt seem like it...We wanna leave yet we havent put our hearts to it...And it is hearts mind you and not minds...Although almost everyone we know from our office is either resigning or their contracts didnt get renewed...I wanna go, but memories of this place is just pulling me back...Im not sure if im making sense...I had good times here, as well as bad....I made friends that I will never forget...I met people who left such an impact on me....I guess I dont want to turn the final page of the novel yet...Im taking as much time as I can holding onto it....Dont wanna read the last sentence of the book...You know what I mean???

So I keep avoiding the subject when HUBBY tries to open it with me....Its funny how the table turned around...It was always me nagging the poor guy to get outta here, yet this neurotic wife has turned into her old ways....In a weeks time its gonna be our second year anniversary....Two years would have passed since we got married....One of them spent apart and the other spent together...Spent together in a place I once called home...Things are different now....I cant see this as home anymore....Although I will never give up my roots, but theres no way I can say Im home...Cause home is where the heart is....The heart is unfortunately not here...Not in this country that is seeing too much of a bloodshed....

I dont want this post to be depressing as all my other past posts have been...I realised that the minute I came here to Iraq, my writing has become gloomy...overshadowed by the events that are taking place....I dont like that one bit....It aint me....but I only write what I see/hear and feel...Everytime I wanna blog, I just close the page...it will all be about the useless government that we have.....the people that are dying for no particular cause....the kidnappings that are still taking place...the criminal suicide bombers who target innocents....the colleagues that risk their lives everyday just to come to work...I seem to be drowned in those events that are surrounding me....

Yesterday I was asking after a colleague of mine who hasnt showed up to work for a few days now...I was told that A's neighbour has been kidnapped and when released the neighbour told A that the kidnappers had asked about him....That just scared the hell out of A so now he stopped coming to work.....He is one amazing guy...the most quiet, the most hardworking guy you can ever meet...He is one of those harmless people who just smiles and tries to joke about everything...So as my other colleagues were telling me A's story, I ended the conversation with "well you guys take care ok....be very careful when coming into here". One of them gave me an evil smile and said sarcastically "why dont you come out and see how we are living, see how the real Iraqis are surviving" he said it with such contempt that really hurt me...I didnt know what to tell him...I said I want to go out of this place and see the real Baghdad, but Im not allowed to...He then replied again with that sarcastic voice "come and stay just for one day without electricity, come and stay and feel the fear we have everyday from getting killed for no reason whatsoever..." I stared at him...and said the only thing we all say here "Allah Kareem" (God is generous" or Inshallah (God willing) things will get better...But yet I felt so lame....

There I am coming from the "outside"' trying to make them feel better...Who am I to talk, and thats what this guy was trying to tell me...Who are you to tell us to take care...Look at you, youre living in the fortified Green Zone, you have electricity all the time...you have security 24/7...Who are you to tell us be careful....

And this is exactly what puts me down....But he is just one guy...one guy out of the 10's who dont see things that way...and do not differntiate...

Right now Im at a point of a crossroad in my life....You know the feeling when you have just graduated recently yet you have no clue what you wanna do...This is exactly where Im at...I can close my eyes and see my future, the future I have always drawn in my mind...but its not as clear as it used to be...its more like a mosaic of broken pictures....Im trying to put everything together up here, in my mind...but something is stopping me and Im not sure what it is...My mom freaked out when I spoke to her on the phone and told her that it seems Im not coming sooner...You know how moms are...She started giving me lessons on what a wife should be bla bla bla...I just put the cell phone as far as I can from my ears and yet I still could hear her crescendo voice coming through that teeny weeny bit of a speaker...Then she went on talking about how my life is going away just like that...the years are passing me by..Umm the "years"???Ive only been here one year..what is she on about???? I guess what she meant was starting a family....which thinking about it was the first plan I ever had to get HUBBY back to me when he was alone here....Those were the days huh.....Seems like ages....

So I just finished that conversation with the only way I know...OK Mom, ok...we will see....and that was that.....I dunno things may change soon....Im starting to apply for jobs elsewhere, and if I do get something no doubt I will leave....In Hindsight, my mom is right...its time to live my life normally....

On a last note...if you think a civil war is taking place here then you are wrong...Iraq has become a huge terrorist pocket....Sunni's, Shia's, kids, elderly, women, men, working with coalition forces,working with Iraqis, makes no difference anymore....Its you and your luck...Its you and your time...Its one of those "in the wrong place at the wrong time"....thats how it is....This is the reality of things....Wrong Place....Wrong Time....