neurotic Iraqi wife

The cries of that lady startled me. I so wanted to go and talk to her. Talk to her and tell her all is gonna be ok. All is gonna be fine, but I just couldnt. I couldnt move. I was stuck. Stuck on that hard bed wired to that heavy IV drip. I couldnt muster the energy. I looked around me and I too began to cry. I was lying there immobile, in that morbid place, ALONE. Separating us was a curtain. A dull patterned curtain. Everything in that place smelt sterile, felt sterile. How many cries did these walls witness. How many whimpers did these curtains see.

I touched my belly ever so softly, "tell me youre gonna be just fine" I whispered. I repeated the words but this time with urgency, "Please tell me youre gonna be fine" I begged. But I know theyre fighters. Theyre my fighters. Theyre fighters just like their mom. I prayed for I dont know how long until I guess I dozed off. Then the mobile rang. I woke up with a jolt, Its HUBBY. Oh how I wished he was here with me, with us.

I wanted time to pass. I wanted to get out of there. Whenever they brought in those food trays I just pushed it away. I didnt feel like eating. But then I remembered. Its not just me now. I have 2 more mouths to feed. Theyve probably been traumatized as well. So I picked on those boiled carrots and shoved them in my mouth. Then I took a bite from that piece of broiled fish. I wanted to spit it out so badly, but I chewed it so fast and gulped it down. Its not just me now. I have two more mouths to feed, I reminded myself.

They day I was released was like a dream. Wow, I can actually see the daylight. I can see the sun. No more pale dull curtains isolating me from the world. No more painful IV tubes stuck in my veins. No more lonely cries. The relief, the relief I tell you is beyond any I have known. At the same time, the worry is still there. "You have a high risk pregnancy" Words that keep resonating in my ears. "You can lose them anytime" Ughhh I so despise these words. I so despise the constant fear Im in. But again, I know. I know theyre fighters. I know that God is watching over them. God is guarding them.

And no this isnt just a story Im telling, nor a dream. Nor is it a nightmare that my subconsious mind has made up. This is a reality. Here I am sitting typing this post, and looking at my cute rounded belly. And yes it is cute, for I never thought EVER after all these years of dreaming, of hoping, that I will finally have my own children. My own beautiful kids. And yes, inside there is not just one, but two. Two little munchkins waiting for their time to come to be released into this world, into my arms. And my arms are so ready to have them, to hold them, to embrace them.

Im no longer just a wife. The Neurotic Iraqi Wife. Im now a Mom. The Neurotic Iraqi Mom....

Wow, its been ages hasn’t it!!! I do apologize to all my loyal readers, never thought I’d find so many comments, cant even catch up. Did not think I would be missed, its nice to know, thank you! Don’t worry I havent died yet, lol.

Well I did get my eye back, and managed to squirm away from an operation that the Dr wanted to carry out on me. There was no way in hell I would allow a scalpel near my eye. I know Im crazy, but umm not THAT crazy. So here I am disobeying doctor’s orders and wearing my lenses again. I think the infection or whatever I had subsided and I no longer have the valkyrie eye, yaaaaaaaaaaay.

So what happened in the last 2 months. Lets see, nothing too interesting. People mentioned the octo mum, and actually I was enthralled with that story. Not sure how I feel about it but I was shocked to see how she was attacked by the public. Cmon, if someone wants a big family then let it be. Whats the big deal? I have read so much about IVF, and the chances of all embryos implanted turning into babies is really slim, she took the chance, and she was lucky enough to have what she wanted. So don’t give her slack.

I don’t remember anyone giving our forefathers slack when they had 10 or 11 kids. Almost all the old families in Iraq had over 10 or 11 children, never once did I hear my mom tell me that authorities got involved with them, or people were angered, so why this? Is it because much of the money will come from tax payers money? Hell, its better to pay for new lives, than paying for all the darn wars and the millions of children that got killed in them, don’t you agree? That’s just my 2 pence on this.

As for my own personal life, going to Doctors has become the norm. Having blood tests done and check ups became part of my daily life, isn’t it fun? Ofcourse everytime I go in to have my blood drawn, I have my cliché words ready “Hi, Im scared from needles, can you please be gentle and use the butterfly needle” One guy, just didn’t seem to understand these words, he simply threw the needle like a dart right in my vein. OH MY GOD. I was soooooooo going to kill him. I still remember his name, marlow. Thank god HUBBY was with me, or else I would have stuck that needle in his eye! I felt my eyes welling up, the a******. Ughhhh

Apart from my medical issues which aren’t really life threatening, Im doing fine. Needed to take a break from many things including blogging. I felt I was sounding like an old broken record with all my ailments taking place, infact I sounded like an old hag and Im only 34!!! As for Iraqi news, I stopped watching it and reading about it. Ever since I saw the result of the elections which were so predictable, I gave up. I dislike the govt, and will never change my mind. But a new phenomena is taking place due to the improved security.

Many Iraqis from all over the world, who havent been to Iraq yet, have started this strange exodus back. I don’t mean moving back there, but just going and visiting. A few relatives of mine have gone back and thought Baghdad was just amazing. They loved every minute of their 2 week stay. A woman who lived in California for almost all her life visited Najaf and called it the Paris of the Middle east. Umm, not sure how can Najaf one of the holiest cities in the world be compared to Paris, but those were her own words. How can women in abbayas be compared to women in mini joup? Maybe too much excitement just disillusioned her.

Many of those who are going back have been suffering from the horrid economical crisis and are there to sell off whatever they have there. You can still get millions of dollars for land and properties, so it’s a good savior if you are in desperate need. My own father refuses to sell anything. He says he wants to keep his ties in his country. Umm, what ties dad? We barely have anyone left there. But I guess for my dad it’s a different story. His land was inherited from his own father, and I think by selling he feels he is betraying that trust.

The economic crisis has finally hit AD. Ofcourse no media is allowed to mention it, and the govt keeps calming people down by telling them everything is ok. Everything is NOT ok. In Dubai they already have let go of so many expats, and from what my friend tells me, the streets aren’t as busy as they used to be. The malls are empty and real estate prices have gone so low, people who have cash to play with are taking the opportunity, while those who were caught up with the buying fever last year, are stuck with no means of repaying back and have no choice but to sell real low or just wait it out. Others have left long ago, leaving behind their newly purchased cars that they cant payback at the airport parking. Its so so sad.

As for AD, its catching up. Many are being let go and are waiting for the schools to end so they can leave. Property prices are still high in AD, and everyone is waiting for the summer, rumour has it rents will also go down drastically so everyone is waiting for that moment. I thank god that I still have my job. My boss did me an amazing favour, and I am ever so grateful.

I did get an email from one of my bosses in Baghdad asking me to go over there for a few weeks, but I refused. Maybe if this was back in Dec or Jan I would have gone, but now things have changed, and with all my medical mishaps Id rather be in a place where they can tend to me, there is no way Im taking that chance. What a pity though, would have loved to go back and see my friends and coworkers for I still do miss a few of them. But major changes are also taking place over there.

The buildings we are in which are based in the GZ are now going back to the Iraqi Govt. Everyone needs to be evacuated and gone to some base by the next coming months. I got an email saying that many will be forced to stay in trailers shared with 2 others, plus there isn’t going to be the luxury of having ones bathroom, instead its going to be a communal one. YUCK. Thank god I left when I did. First off, there is no way Id share a room with anyone, secondly, there is no way in hell Id use a bathroom that’s been used by 30 or 50 others. NO WAY! Yeah call me spoilt, but that’s just me.

On a final note, do you guys remember the “vibrator” girl I once wrote about? (Sorry have to find the link of that post) Well, she has been in the States for over a year now after getting her special immigration visa. I got an email from a frined of mine that said : Hey guys...remember L??? She has joined the Army and will be going back to Iraq as an interpreter. I heard she graduated from Advanced Individual Training at Ft. Jackson, SC and was awarded as "The Best All Around Soldier."

Wow, isn’t that great news? She used to be one of those lost souls who just couldn’t feel free in her own country. Was harassed by her countrymen and threatened by the militia. Her family boycotted her because she was working in the GZ, yet harassed her with phonecalls to pay them money. Ughhh. Im so happy for her. Here’s to L, L, The Best All Around Soldier!

Im taking a break from politics, hence look elsewhere for juicy stuff. Right now Im typing and reading with one eye. Yup one eye. I feel like Im taking Tom Cruise’s part in his latest movie Valkyrie sans the black eye patch. I still don’t know what the optician called it, but umm the minute he stared at my eyes through his machine, the first words he uttered were “OH SHIT” I mean how professional can one be.

I sat there with my chin sticking out flickering my eyes. “What is it Dr? Is it THAT bad?” He didn’t even bother replying, instead he ushered my HUBBY and asked him to take a look. Hmmm, is this some kinda male conspiracy? HELLOOOOO this is my eye youre staring at, and I need to know. My HUBBY was far more polite and instead of the “Oh shit” he was like “Oh wow”. Ok great, thanks for making me feel at ease.

After that fiasco I was told that I had an extreme phase of some kinda contact lens infection, had I waited one more day, I woulda gone blind (Doctor’s exact words). Hmmm, that’s extremely re-assuring Dr. That’s what I love about Middle Eastern Doctors, they have such a way with words, it truly amazes me.

So yeah right now Im on killer antibiotics and some weird gel that I have to stick in my eye every five hours. Wooohoooo. Oh and to top it all off, I cant wear my contacts for weeks to come, thank god I have trendy glasses on. All this got me thinking. Ever since I left Baghdad things have gone down hill. Hmmm, maybe I should think of going back. Actually there’s something that is kinda worrying me, and relaying it here will probably make people think Im crazy. Did I say Crazy? Whats new, I am Neurotic after all. So here goes.

Ever since I was young and even now, everytime I had my coffee cup read, I was told I had evil eyes (il 3ain) on me. Hence my obsession with wearing the evil eye to ward off any evil. I wear a bunch of bracelates with cute coloured eye crystals, I wear a choker like necklace that my eldest sister gave me on my birthday, I have a blue stone along with the word Allah dangling from my watch, everything I can find with the eye on it, I just use it. On our last trip to Turkey, I bought a cute ceramic fridge magnet, yup an eye. It lasted on the fridge four months, UNTIL. Until the day before I traveled to Amman. Out of the blue without even touching the fridge, the eye fell and broke in two halves!!! Can you believe this shit? I just stood there, my mouth agape, staring at the broken pieces in disbelief.

I freaked out. Freaked out big time and called both my mom and my sister. You see, evil eyes and envy is written in our Quran and some hadiths and I really do believe in it. My mom and sis freaked out as well, lol. Didn’t really make things easier on me, as I wanted them to say positive stuff. My mom, the pious woman she is, asked me to recite a specific verse many times and hope for the best. This is exactly what I did and I forgot about the whole thing.

But with all the mis-haps that’s taking place with me right now, my operation (long story, some other time), my blasting headaches, my eye infection, my hair going all weird on me, all within a month from the eye breaking, I do believe that someone, somewhere is casting the evil eye spell on me. My question is, why? Why me? Theres nothing to envy me about. Nothing to be jealous from. A BIG FAT NOTHING. Ughhhhh

Sorry, just needed to vent as HUBBY doesn’t believe in this stuff. He thinks Im crazy and that I take things into extremes. Umm HUBBY, Im sorry, but an eye breaking out of the blue is no joke. I did google it though second it happened (Don’t you just love Google). Some articles said that an eye breaking means it did all it can do to ward off the evil. Oh great. What about the rest of the evil? Now what?

Oh well, evil or no evil, for now, I just have one functioning eye :(, The Valkyrie Eye…

Yes, Im watching it. Isnt it amazing. I was bummed out when he stammered on his oath. Funny enough just before he started repeating the oath, I turned to HUBBY and said, watch how perfect he will say the words, he probably trained for this day a million times. Ummm, I guess I was wrong and HUBBY just rolled his eyes... :)

The speech though was just amazing. I liked it and dont really care what others might think. Im sure today many Americans are really proud to be Americans. About time too. On my personal facebook, many of my Iraqi ex-Coworkers who got their special Immigration Visas and have long been settled in the US, set their statuses a few days ago by thanking Bush for the life changing opportunity. Others though had "Hoping Obama will bring sunshine back to Iraq" on theirs.

Yeah I guess many are hopeful while others arent too optimistic. Im just keeping my fingers crossed. Lets see what he will bring on. I chatted with a few of my work colleagues back in Iraq. I was told many changes are taking place at work, and there are plans for many to leave and work on reachback just like me with one exception, they will have an office to work from and not imprisoned in a flat 24/7. Im not so sure how long they will keep me doing what Im doing. I think my time will be up pretty soon. Are the changes a direct result of Obama winning?

Oh and me being the financial analyst that I am, decided to give HUBBY some advice and said, "hey HUBBY, why dont you buy some shares, I bet you on inaugaration day everything will go green" Umm, just an hour ago he told me he is down big time. Oooooops, hehe. I guess I may have to take my masters degree again. Atleast he was smiling when he said it, someone else would have probably strangled me. But it did seem logical for shares to go up wonder why it didnt...Does anyone know?

I better get going, I dont feel like writing a long post today. I wanna continue watching Obama and just enjoy the scenes afore me. Today is a nice day. An Obama Day...

HUBBY has gone back to Iraq. I asked him about the sentiments there of whats going on in Gaza. “The Iraqis here can care less” He said. Although I did see on the news some protests were held there due to the Israeli offensive, I doubt that the average Iraqi is moved by all this. They have their own problems to deal with.

A few days ago I had to attend some family lunch that my parents were hosting. I wasn’t really up to it but I had to go. As we sat down chitchatting, a few mobile phones beeped simultaneously. “Please donate to Gaza at such and such banks” One of the ladies read the message out loud. She then threw her phone in dismay at the table. “Why should I care about Gaza” She said “While my own country is suffering. What did the Palestinians do for us Iraqis when my people were getting killed by the hundreds” She continued. “Let them go to hell”

I was in shock. “But Khala (Aunti), these are humans dying, not animals. Surely you can be more compassionate” She had a very hard look on her face. She took out a cigarette, lit it, inhaled, then exhaled and shook her head and said “Neurotica, Iraqis are humans too. Do you know what they (Palestinians) did in Iraq? Do you know how the preyed on us when Saddam was in power. I don’t give a damn about these people. They elected their government so let them suffer the consequences”

Another woman joined in and said “She is right Neurotica. You know where the money is going? Its not going to the victims, it will end up in Hamas’s hands, and surely Hamas will buy weapons. All this is propaganda. No, not a single penny from MY own hard earned money is going there, Id rather spend it on the Orphans of Iraq. Half the millionaires in the Emirates are Palestinians, why don’t THEY help their OWN people?” Then she said, “Hamas don’t even care about their own people, theyre sitting comfortably in Syria and Lebanon while their people burn”

As I was about to voice my own opinion another lady said “You forgot what they did to our country Neurotica? To our People? They sent suicide bombers, they joined so called “Jihad” groups and killed hundreds even thousands of our people. They backed Zarqawi, that criminal man” Again as I tried to say something, a few teenage girls (daughters of another woman) announced they were leaving to join the protests. “What protests?” we asked. “There is a protest here in AD” They answered while they fixed their Palestinian scarves around their necks. The women rolled their eyes and shot the girls’ mother an evil look.

“How can you let them go?” The mother shrugged and said, its their choice, and I wont stop them. I just got up and left the table for I knew that the poor mom was going to be lectured. The conversation was already draining me. I went into the kitchen instead and stole a few of the yummy spring rolls my mom prepared and munched away.

To be honest the Palestinian cause was never something of a priority to me or my family. Ever since I was a child I knew of their war, of their suffering, but it was Iraq that I yearned for and not Palestine. Afterall it is Iraq that I was born in. Its Iraqi blood that I have running through my veins. And umm I dont believe in the so called "Arab Nationalism" shit. Anyone who says THEY are, are to me nothing but a bunch of hypocrites and liars.

Nonetheless, I dislike violence. I still think that the massacres in Gaza must stop. And stop NOW. This is probably going to be the last post I write on this subject. On another note, what happened to Iraq? The media has completely forgotten about Iraq. Maybe we should call back Al Zaidi to organize a shoe marathon. That will probably get their attention once again. Aaaaaah yes, atfal il hijara (children of stones) will soon be substituted by a completely different phenomena. A different group of children. Children of Shoes…

I just found out about the death of a school friend of mine in Gaza. This post is for everyone who thinks the Gaza massacre is justifiable. This is for everyone who believes human life, especially the Arab human life is cheap. CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP.

NO, human life is NOT cheap. The Gazans have every right to live. Every right to live just like you and me. Had the situation been reversed and it was Israelis that were bombarded with rockets, with images of Israeli childrens’ brains gutted out on the TV, WILL YOU THINK THE SAME??? Will you fucking say that this war is fucking justified??? I don’t think so. Every human life is as valuable as the other. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Be it an Arab, a Muslim, a Christian A Jew. Be it Palestinian, be it Iraqi, be it Israeli. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Millions of people all over the world have been protesting the massacres in Gaza. Are all these people WRONG? They have gone out of their way, in blistery cold weather to make their voices heard, are these people wrong??? You, whoever you are, YOU, yes YOU who think all people in Gaza are Hamas, should go there and see who is it being killed, Who is it being slaughtered. Who is it being murdered!!!

The images I see day in day out is not part of a sci fi movie. Oh no. I wish it was. I swear to god I wish it was just a movie. I wish the brains that was splattered on that hospital bed was just some playdo stuck on a dummy’s head for special effects. BUT GOD DAMN IT IT ISNT. OK!!! IT ISNT.

Im not saying Hamas is right. Im not a supporter of Hamas or any organization that deals with violence. But at the same time THIS SHOULD STOP. IT SHOULD STOP NOW. What did my school friend do? What was his fault? Why did he die? He died as a result of this inhumane war. BOTH SIDES ARE WRONG.

I don’t give a damn why this war started in the first place. Nothing, nothing whatsoever justifies kids dying. NOTHING. This post is for every single ignorant person who supports Israel’s current actions. And then you sit and wonder why do people hate us? Why do people dislike us. This is exactly why. You sit and wonder why people want to kill us? All these kids, the kids that have been orphaned, the kids who woke up having no family around will grow up thinking of ways to take revenge. And you wonder why suicide bombers do what they do in your part of the world. Bloody hell even people in other countries are asking to go fight in Gaza...This is exactly what happens as a result of unjustifiable violence.

The images that the Arab world are watching on their TV will move every single person to do something. I doubt you see what we are watching, so stop wondering why this hatred. Why this anger.

Im sorry, but violence can only give birth to more hatred. More violence. More innocent lives gone. Gone just like that. Even my belief in Obama has disappeared. I cant believe he continued playing god damn golf, so calmly, when the rest of the world was boiling with anger. When women and children were being bombarded and getting killed. Yeah I know he isn’t officially the president yet. But why didn’t he atleast comment. Atleast condemn the actions. Ok forget condemning, why didn’t he say he atleast “feels bad” with whats going on in Gaza???????But no, Scoring that hole was by far more important.

Shame on you. Shame on everyone who thinks this is right. Everyone who thinks Israel or any country can do this and get away with it. Whats funny is I know that Israel will get away with it. Like they always do. They have proved to be as bad as all these extremists who don’t believe in human life. Who don’t believe in the right of others to live. They might as well kill us all and have the world to themselves. Right now, to me they are as bad as Hamas as bad as Muqtada, as bad as Al Qaeda.

They say this is to protect them from further aggression from Hamas. Alas, that’s what I used to hear in Baghdad. Muqtada firing mortars and rockets to protect Iraqis from Americans, when in reality nearly a million Iraqis were killed in the war. Al Qaeda said and did the same. They wanted to get the so called occupier out, yet they bombed street markets, and schools. Yeah to me, theyre all the same. ALL are MURDERERS! The 21st Century Murderers!!!

We have been travelling hence the lack of posts. Our travel coincided with the atrocities in Gaza. As we got into the cab from the airport to our way to the hotel, we heard the news on the radio that was blasted so high with the latest news. I only realized how bad things were in Gaza when I immediately switched the TV on in our room. WOW.

The images only reminded me of Iraq. Of Lebanon. The graphic pictures of bloodied corpses of children shrouded in white being paraded in the streets made my tears stream down my cheeks. I am not a mother, yet I could feel their pain. I could feel their outrage. WHY, WHY I kept asking. Why do this. Im definitely not a Hamas supporter, but why this. Why innocent people?

Every cab we got into, the popular Quranic verses were substituted by the news. Every shop we entered had the TV's on with the same images over and over again. I came here to try and relax, yet I feel my blood boiling. HUBBY wanted to go to some Iraqi place to celebrate the New Years, we had already gotten the tickets, but to be honest I wasnt really upto going anywhere. I just wanted to stay in the room, watch TV and sleep.

As we were sitting in the Lobby killing some time, an American reporter asked if it was ok to interview us. "I saw you guys reading an English Newspaper, can I ask you a few questions about the New Years?" She asked. HUBBY was reluctant, he doesnt like to do the talking. As for me, I didnt mind one bit. And so when asked what we thought about celebrations being cancelled here because of the Gaza news, I immediately answered that its only appropriate. How can people especially here in the Middle East feel happy when their fellow Arabs are suffering. When their fellow Arabs are being slaughtered in daylight. No, definitely its not a time to be joyous.

Coincidently as we were talking to her, the restaurant we were supposed to go to, called us and said the New Years do was cancelled. Yes thats the best way. The mood is somber everywhere. Even in the malls, all you hear people talk about is whats going on in Gaza. Many have the Palestinian scarves wrapped around them showing solidarity. We even witnessed some protests, but to me protests mean nothing. Nothing at all. Ive seen it before the Iraq war almost 6 years ago. I was one of them. Yet what did it achieve? It achieved nothing. Nothing at all.

Im not gonna say Im disgusted with the Arab governments response, or the lack of it. For Im not surprised. Not surprised at all. As one cab driver put it, Arabs are traitors, and rightly so. Arab jarab. Really. They stopped caring long time ago. Why cant people live in peace? Why cant they just move on. Why keep battling over a piece of land, kill hundreds of thousands of people, devastate families when both can live together on it. Im not even gonna play the blame game. Both sides are wrong. Violence will only harbour more violence, more deaths. More corpses.

Im gonna keep it at that for Im sick. Sick and tired of the Middle East. The Chaotic Mayhem of the Middle East...