neurotic Iraqi wife
January 25, 2015
Chasing the Unchaseable...
Sometimes when the tough gets going the going gets tough. After many many years of trying, trying to chase something only to discover that it's merely a mirage, you tend to stop, stop to take a deep breath and change direction. Change direction forever. That's exactly what I have learnt from the past ten years. And now, now it's time. It's time to change direction. There's no better time than the "now". Yes, yes this NOW.
The step I took a few months back may not be agreeable to many, but to me, to me it's the best decision I have ever made. As tough as it was and as emotional, I had to, for my own sanity, to let go. Let go of all things negative. Of all things draining. We only live once, and for that, I will not waste any more time. No. I won't waste any more time chasing. Chasing the unchaseable...
posted by neurotic_wife at 11:08 PM
July 08, 2014
The Vanishing Empathy
I don't know what to think anymore. What is going on in this world? Have people really lost it? Or has it always been like this but I was away from it all for too long. Crazy criminals in Iraq. Vicious killings by Israelis and by Palestinians. Parents locking up children in hot cars. Parents leaving kids on the subway. People being punched and kicked in broad day light. I mean what the hell is going on? This week has been awful.
Maybe I should go back to concentrating on my own life. The only reason I'm so appalled by all the news is the fact that it seems to me we are losing all emotions of empathy. The one thing that I am trying so hard to teach my own kids. And yet, yet this world is becoming void of that trait. The human life is no longer seen as important. No. Not anymore.
In Iraq for instance. Everyone thinks it's about the Shia Sunni divide. But it's not. It's far more deeper. Far more dangerous. The Shia Sunni divide is just an excuse. An excuse to kill. An excuse to use religeon to kill. An excuse to use one's own interpretation of the religeon to kill.
Bringing back the Caliphate? Are they serious? Are they even for real? How much brainwashed are they to "believe" that the god THEY praise allows rape, torture, killing innocent people, is the same god that I believe in that encourages us to love, respect and sympathise? Where did they read that it's ok to carry out all those heinous crimes? Not my Quran. That's for sure.
But to me what's even worse than all this are the people. The people who stand and watch all that and film it. Film it so callously. How can someone watch a woman being bludgeoned by an officer and not do anything? Not do anything but film it on camera?!?! HOW?What is happening to us? Where is our god damned Empathy? The Vanishing Empathy...
posted by neurotic_wife at 9:30 PM
July 02, 2014
Certain circumstances in my personal life which I won't divulge into at this moment, changed my outlook on life. It made me realize that not everything is so black and white. It made me realize that life is truly precious. Not just life but the moments we share with our loved ones, those small moments. It can be anything. Anything like sitting in the backyard with my boys and looking up at the clouds and falling in love with the vast imagination that one of them has. Simple moments, but precious.
And just as I was listening to my boy's imaginary characters popping up in the sky, I couldn't help but wonder, how many Iraqi mothers at that same moment, had that same precious feeling? How many? And that's when my smile started to fade and my son's words became a muffled noise in the background. I doubt if there was one Iraqi mother. And that to me says it all. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that instead of enjoying life, those mothers are trying to "survive" life. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the government made promises only to find out that these promises have ended up just like the imaginary characters up in the clouds. But those clouds are different. Those clouds are black. Black and gloomy. Yes, yes I'm sorry.
ISIS is now governing these black clouds. ISIS and all those who support them. I'm not sure if I have hope anymore. Some people say there's still hope left, maybe I should discard my old plain glasses and look through a kaleidoscope instead because to me, to me there are no white fluffy clouds on the horizon there. Or Rainbows. Or even a Royal poinciana like the one I have. Like the one my kids love to play under. And it's under that tree that I hold most of my precious memories. Under that Royal, Royal Poinciana...
posted by neurotic_wife at 6:19 PM
June 26, 2014
The Land of the Savages
Its been so long since I've written on this blog. Ever since my dad passed away I stopped watching the news. And ever since my mom passed, I lost my passion for words. I didn't see any point. Everything so dear to me was just gone. Plus I had my boys to focus on. My beautiful beautiful boys. Today though, today I decided to come back. This blog is still going to be about me, my hubby who by the way is still "trying" to rebuild his country and my boys.
Unfortunately Iraq seems to have fallen apart. It's been almost six years since I have left and nothing seemed to have changed except the situation has gone from bad to worse. When will this bloodshed end? And when will Maliki decide that the chair, the chair is no longer his. When? It seems that the chair has become more valuable than the people's lives. More valuable than the Iraqi land. The land that was once known as the land between the two rivers. That same land, has now become the land, the Land of the Savages.
posted by neurotic_wife at 1:07 AM
July 11, 2011
Shrouded in Black....
A few days ago I was searching on Google about souls and I somehow ended up on my blog. I started reading the words that I have written long ago and for some odd reason I couldnt seem to remember any of it. But reading it made me crave writing again. Something I havent done for almost a year. I do write, but its all in my mind. I can see words floating around whenever I close my eyes. But I guess I was too scared to put them on paper, too scared that my words wont make any sense. Wont make any sense to me.
But today, today I am writing. I am writing for selfish reasons. Today Im writing because I feel alone. I feel alone and I need someone, something to soothe me. Today Im writing because just 3 weeks ago, I lost my mother. I lost my mom 22 months after losing my dad. Today Im writing because Im in pain. A pain that doesnt seem to want to go away. A pain that is so so deep, even time wont be able to heal it. My parents werent that old. No. Not at all. My parents were so energetic and fun. So loving and caring. My parents were so beautiful. Beautiful and young at heart. But now, now they are both gone. Gone, leaving behind them four children that are in utter and utmost shock.
My mom fought like no one I knew or will ever know. My mom fought because in her own words when she was asked whether she was scared to die, she said no. No Im not scared to die, but Im scared for my children. My children who are still suffering from their dad's passing. I dont want my children to suffer she said. I dont want my children to suffer for me. Yet she suffered. Suffered for us. She tried so hard. So hard to stay alive. She was poked, poked and prodded until her body became like a canvas of blackness. I never wanted to be there when she was leaving but good thing I was. Good thing we all were.
As the angel of death was taking her soul away, she looked at each and everyone of us. She looked at us for one last time. The very last time...Aaaaakh ya mama. Aaaaakh Ishgad mishtaqatlich. I miss you. I miss you so much. People dont know what to say to us anymore. They tell us that their words wont make a difference. They tell us that we have to go on with our lives. Surely we will, but it wont be the same. Wont be the same without you both.
Yes Im writing. Im writing today because there are no more tears left in me. No more tears to soothe my pain. Im writing today because there is nothing left. Nothing left but words. Words that are shrouded. Shrouded in Black....
posted by neurotic_wife at 11:55 AM
September 14, 2010
Que sera sera...
There was always this nagging feeling deep within me that Im on this earth for a reason. God put me here to do something, to be someone. And no,Im not talking about fame, nor fortune. I had so many questions, asked him everynight. Why? Why am I here God? Why bring me into this foresaken world?Night after night for so many years I asked him. Yet he never replied. Or maybe he did and I never heard. Or maybe I heard but I didnt want to listen.
Today after all these years I stopped asking. I stopped asking not because I gave up but because I now know what the answer is. I finally got to listen. I finally managed to make sense of it all. Sense from all the non sense around me. I always thought that Id be a writer. A writer with a voice. A voice for the people. The Iraqi people. Unfortunately though, I failed. And failed miserably. Though my voice was loud, it wasnt loud enough. My words may have been strong but not strong enough. And just like I did, people may have heard me, they heard me but chose not to listen. Now my calling is beyond any love. Any love for one's country, beyond any love for one's people. Now my calling is more than Love. Its way way more than that. And my voice will be louder. Much louder than it ever was. Because this time, this time its about survival, survival of the closest being to my heart.
My journey as a wife has come to an end. Im still a wife, but more importantly I have begun a new life. A new life as a mother. A mother of 2 beautiful creatures. This time though, the journey will be long. Long and rough. It started already on board of a long haul flight. A long haul flight thats taking me to places Ive never seen. Places Ive never heard of.
And so my friends, I want to thank you. Thank you for all your words. Thank you for all the support Ive had throughout these years. I want to thank you for being there for me when HUBBY abandoned me for our country. I want to thank you for being there for me when I was bombarded by rockets. I want to thank you for sharing with me my dreams, my hopes, my sadness. Each and everyone that read and posted on my blog, be it good or bad you were and will always remain a part of that initial journey. A part of neurotic iraqi wife's life. A part of my past laughters and past cries. So thank you. Thank you for every word you have written to me...
Right now though I have landed to my first destination. Its a far far away place, but if you know me well enough, and still want to accompany me on this long haul turbulent flight, there is no doubt you will be able to find me. I will not publicize my new place/blog for I did that mistake before. So for now, this journey has come to an end. A Bitter Sweet end. And just like my dad used to always sing to us, Que sera sera whatever will be, will be...The Future is not ours to see. What will be will be...Que sera sera....
posted by neurotic_wife at 8:45 AM
August 15, 2010
In less than a week, a year would have been passed. 365 days Baba. 365 Days without seeing you, without hearing you, without touching you. 365 days of utter and utmost heart break. I have prayed for you every night, talked to you every day. Remembered you every second. Yesterday I shed tears for the umpteenth time. HUBBY and I were walking with one of the boys in the streets of London, and there, right infront of my eyes I saw your favourite place. OUR favourite Place. Foyles. Foyles the bookshop. I stopped in my tracks and forgot all about the rain. HUBBY looked at me while he was pushing the stroller and said cmon Neurotica, wake up, yella move.
My tears kept flowing and he knew somethng was up. This is Baba's place I said. This is our special time. Every Saturday when he'd visit London he would take me to Foyles ever since I was a child. We would spend hours upon hours reading and buying books. He instilled in me the love for learning, the love for reading. After we are done with our purchases, he would take me to the Fish and Chips place next door. Aaaaaaaakh ya baba Aaaaaaaaaaakh. Aaaaaaaaakh the pain doesnt want to go away. I miss you, miss you sooooo sooooo much. I truly wish you were here.
I dont really have much good news Baba. One of the boys isnt feeling too well unfortunately. We had to pack our bags and leave in a night to come here. I lost all hope in Dr's in AD. I hate them, and hate them with a vengeance. They took you away from me, and now they were about to take my son. They wouldnt listen to me when I tell them I know something is up. They kept telling me I worry too much. But a mothers instinct is far too strong. I refused their misdiagnosis and am taking him to the best doctors here. Ilhamdilla, things are beginning to brighten up again. He is doing much better. I had to leave my other son with D, we had no choice, but I will be going to get him very soon. And Baba, I know youre not gonna like this, but we are most probably moving to the States for good. Yes I know, I know Baba you always wanted me to stay to be with the family, bes I cant. I cant risk my boys health anymore. I really cant, and Im sure had you been here, you yourself will tell me to go. Im doing this for them and them only.
Yes its gonna be a nightmare with no help, no family, no friends, absolutely no one. Im going to be a total wreck. But if its for my childrens sake, then who cares about me. I give them my life and not see them suffer. I had plans baba. Big plans for their first birthday. We all knew if you were still with us, you would throw them the biggest party ever. And based upon that, I was planning something big, something special BUT. But with one of them sick, and us not going to be in AD anymore, we will probably just get them a small cake, a small candle, and wait for you to visit so we can all blow the candles together. Please do come and visit, even for just a few minutes. I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you Baba. Waiting...
posted by neurotic_wife at 12:20 PM