neurotic Iraqi wife
July 11, 2011
Shrouded in Black....
September 14, 2010
Que sera sera...
August 15, 2010
My tears kept flowing and he knew somethng was up. This is Baba's place I said. This is our special time. Every Saturday when he'd visit London he would take me to Foyles ever since I was a child. We would spend hours upon hours reading and buying books. He instilled in me the love for learning, the love for reading. After we are done with our purchases, he would take me to the Fish and Chips place next door. Aaaaaaaakh ya baba Aaaaaaaaaaakh. Aaaaaaaaakh the pain doesnt want to go away. I miss you, miss you sooooo sooooo much. I truly wish you were here.
I dont really have much good news Baba. One of the boys isnt feeling too well unfortunately. We had to pack our bags and leave in a night to come here. I lost all hope in Dr's in AD. I hate them, and hate them with a vengeance. They took you away from me, and now they were about to take my son. They wouldnt listen to me when I tell them I know something is up. They kept telling me I worry too much. But a mothers instinct is far too strong. I refused their misdiagnosis and am taking him to the best doctors here. Ilhamdilla, things are beginning to brighten up again. He is doing much better. I had to leave my other son with D, we had no choice, but I will be going to get him very soon. And Baba, I know youre not gonna like this, but we are most probably moving to the States for good. Yes I know, I know Baba you always wanted me to stay to be with the family, bes I cant. I cant risk my boys health anymore. I really cant, and Im sure had you been here, you yourself will tell me to go. Im doing this for them and them only.
Yes its gonna be a nightmare with no help, no family, no friends, absolutely no one. Im going to be a total wreck. But if its for my childrens sake, then who cares about me. I give them my life and not see them suffer. I had plans baba. Big plans for their first birthday. We all knew if you were still with us, you would throw them the biggest party ever. And based upon that, I was planning something big, something special BUT. But with one of them sick, and us not going to be in AD anymore, we will probably just get them a small cake, a small candle, and wait for you to visit so we can all blow the candles together. Please do come and visit, even for just a few minutes. I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you Baba. Waiting...
March 07, 2010
The Blissful Eternal Journey...
To the breeze that cooled me down
To my dearest beautiful Baba
As I walked on that desert sand passing by the numbers, the numbers that identify those who left this world, I saw you. I saw your name on that plaque, and the tears streamed down my cheeks. I couldnt help it baba. I really couldnt. How can it be, "Il marhoom ......"The words sent chills down my spine. I sat down on the bench, staring at your resting place. Read the Fat ha on your soul, and out of the blue a sudden serenity overcame me. I began to smile. Smile for I remembered a joke we shared together. Maybe it was you talking to me, telling me not to despair. Yes I finally managed to get away from my boys to get to see you. Im sorry I havent visited you in so so long, I hope you can forgive me.
Baba, the day you have been looking forward to finally came. The elections were today. And yes I know you are going to be upset with me, for I refused to go. Im sorry, but there is no one that I believe can bring a better life to the Iraqis. All the promises that these people claim to bring to Iraq are false. They entered the election race to satisfy their own egos. Their own egos and their own needs. I gave my voice a few years ago, but it was never heard. I lifted my purpe finger with pride, but it got broken. I had hopes, and big dreams, but now, now I no longer dream of a better Iraq. I may hope for a better Iraq, not for my sake, but for the Iraqi people's sake, but to dream it?No. I cant.
Yes Baba, I know you dont agree with me. I know that you always had hope. BIG hope. And thats what makes you a great man. You never give up. Even on your hospital bed, a few days before you were gone, you were so upset and angry by the bombings that took place in Baghdad. I was shocked. There we were, worried about you, and yet, you werent worried about yourself, but worried about your countrymen instead. Baba, there is no honest man out there, believe me. Their words stopped meaning anything to me. For I know, I know that the Iraq you have known will never come back. Not now, not in my children's lifetime, not ever. And no, Im not being a pessimist as you used to call me, but a realist.
Many people are calling this a historical moment. What history? Are we gonna call every election a historical moment?Thats something I dont understand. What kind of history are they making. What will my little ones read when they grow up?Iraq, the Shattered Dream? Hundreds of thousands of people are risking their lives because of Hope. And maybe Hope is the only thing they have right now. But for me this is nothing but a repeat of a definite failure. Sorry Baba, I dont want to upset you, but you always told us to speak our minds, and this is exactly whats on my mind.
I spent my day instead sniffing my boys' sweet feet, an addiction that I cant get enough of, for they have such yummy feet Baba. Speaking of the boys, they are growing so fast. I can tell already that they will be cheeky little munchkins. And Baba they are total opposites of each other in every way possible. From looks to behaviour to habbits, it just amazes me how can these two come from the same two people. There is one thing and one thing only they have in common though.
One day as I was playing with one of them, I could tell he was mesmerised by something. I look, and out of all the photos on that table, he was staring at yours. Staring and smiling. The exact same thing happened with his brother.Yes, can you believe it?It took me by a total surprise. So now, whenever they look at you, I say yes, yes this is your Jiddo, your amazing Jiddo. I dont want their first words to be mama or baba or even dada. No, I want their first word to be Jiddo. What do you say?
Offffffff ya baba, how much I miss you. Yella come back, come back, your grandsons are waiting for you. Your grandsons are waiting to hear that deep laughter of yours, are waiting for their Jiddo to play with them. Yella come on, this trip of yours is taking too long. Way too long. Nevertheless I hope youre enjoying the Journey. The Blissful Eternal Journey...
February 25, 2010
My Guardian Angel....
September 12, 2009
A Heavenly Peace...
As I write these words, my heart wrenches for him. My heart aches for him. Aches for his touch, for his beautiful luminous smile. Aches for his soothing words. My heart aches for his eyes, his deep blue sea eyes. The love of my life is gone. GONE. Yet my mind still doesnt want to believe it. I honestly dont believe that I will never see him again. I dont believe that his index finger will never circle my swelling belly again. I dont believe that he will never hug me, will never squish me between his arms. I dont believe that he wont meet my babies. The babies that he was so eager to meet, to hold, to touch, to play with. My dad left us but I know he fought really hard to stay for us.
Till this day we dont know what exactly happened. He was diagnosed with advanced cancer back in late June. And in less than 2 months he was gone. Some doctors said he was doing very well, others said he only had a few weeks. A FEW WEEKS starting from end of Aug. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FEW WEEKS!!!WHERE??? We know something went wrong somewhere. We know it in our hearts. They did a mistake, and my dad was the victim. I have so much anger inside, so much hatred towards these ignorant doctors. But whats the point. It will never bring my father back. It will never heal our bleeding hearts. NEVER.
Yes I vowed a long time ago, yet here I am, in the middle of all of this, wailing, begging strangers to bring my dad back. We visited him a few times, and every time I go, I cant believe how can such a strong man end up under the ground, under the ground with the scorching sun above him, and the ants crawling all over. HOW?How and Why?It was his birthday on the 9th. We took a cake, sang for him Happy Birthday, but as I started to say the words Happy, my voice cracked and my tears kept flowing over the dirt. I couldnt continue. I just couldnt. I so wanted my dad to be the one singing with us, I so wanted him to blow his own candles.
At night I stay awake thinking, if only he waited. If only he waited a few more weeks. If only he waited to see my babies. My babies that are due soon. If Only...Who is gonna pamper them now? Who is gonna tease them? Oh how much I miss my dad. How much I crave for his tenderness. For his vision. His vision of a better Iraq. A unified Iraq. As we were going through his papers, we found so many charities he was giving to, so many donations he had made, yet he never ever uttered a word. So many families he helped, so many children he fed and paid for their education. How can we live upto such a man. How can we be like him? But I know that its our duty to continue his legacy. Its our responsibility to continue in his footsteps.
Dad, you are always here, here with us. Here in our hearts, our hearts and minds. I know you will be there smiling over me, smiling over me, when Im having your grandsons. I know you will bless them with your kindness. Yes dad, I will be waiting for you. Waiting for your scent to pass by me, by us just like it did the other day. I know you are here. And I know you are in heaven. Rest in Peace...A Heavenly Peace...
May 08, 2009
The Neurotic Iraqi Mom...
I touched my belly ever so softly, "tell me youre gonna be just fine" I whispered. I repeated the words but this time with urgency, "Please tell me youre gonna be fine" I begged. But I know theyre fighters. Theyre my fighters. Theyre fighters just like their mom. I prayed for I dont know how long until I guess I dozed off. Then the mobile rang. I woke up with a jolt, Its HUBBY. Oh how I wished he was here with me, with us.
I wanted time to pass. I wanted to get out of there. Whenever they brought in those food trays I just pushed it away. I didnt feel like eating. But then I remembered. Its not just me now. I have 2 more mouths to feed. Theyve probably been traumatized as well. So I picked on those boiled carrots and shoved them in my mouth. Then I took a bite from that piece of broiled fish. I wanted to spit it out so badly, but I chewed it so fast and gulped it down. Its not just me now. I have two more mouths to feed, I reminded myself.
They day I was released was like a dream. Wow, I can actually see the daylight. I can see the sun. No more pale dull curtains isolating me from the world. No more painful IV tubes stuck in my veins. No more lonely cries. The relief, the relief I tell you is beyond any I have known. At the same time, the worry is still there. "You have a high risk pregnancy" Words that keep resonating in my ears. "You can lose them anytime" Ughhh I so despise these words. I so despise the constant fear Im in. But again, I know. I know theyre fighters. I know that God is watching over them. God is guarding them.
And no this isnt just a story Im telling, nor a dream. Nor is it a nightmare that my subconsious mind has made up. This is a reality. Here I am sitting typing this post, and looking at my cute rounded belly. And yes it is cute, for I never thought EVER after all these years of dreaming, of hoping, that I will finally have my own children. My own beautiful kids. And yes, inside there is not just one, but two. Two little munchkins waiting for their time to come to be released into this world, into my arms. And my arms are so ready to have them, to hold them, to embrace them.
Im no longer just a wife. The Neurotic Iraqi Wife. Im now a Mom. The Neurotic Iraqi Mom....