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neurotic Iraqi wife

July 11, 2011

Shrouded in Black....

A few days ago I was searching on Google about souls and I somehow ended up on my blog. I started reading the words that I have written long ago and for some odd reason I couldnt seem to remember any of it. But reading it made me crave writing again. Something I havent done for almost a year. I do write, but its all in my mind. I can see words floating around whenever I close my eyes. But I guess I was too scared to put them on paper, too scared that my words wont make any sense. Wont make any sense to me.

But today, today I am writing. I am writing for selfish reasons. Today Im writing because I feel alone. I feel alone and I need someone, something to soothe me. Today Im writing because just 3 weeks ago, I lost my mother. I lost my mom 22 months after losing my dad. Today Im writing because Im in pain. A pain that doesnt seem to want to go away. A pain that is so so deep, even time wont be able to heal it. My parents werent that old. No. Not at all. My parents were so energetic and fun. So loving and caring. My parents were so beautiful. Beautiful and young at heart. But now, now they are both gone. Gone, leaving behind them four children that are in utter and utmost shock.

My mom fought like no one I knew or will ever know. My mom fought because in her own words when she was asked whether she was scared to die, she said no. No Im not scared to die, but Im scared for my children. My children who are still suffering from their dad's passing. I dont want my children to suffer she said. I dont want my children to suffer for me. Yet she suffered. Suffered for us. She tried so hard. So hard to stay alive. She was poked, poked and prodded until her body became like a canvas of blackness. I never wanted to be there when she was leaving but good thing I was. Good thing we all were.

As the angel of death was taking her soul away, she looked at each and everyone of us. She looked at us for one last time. The very last time...Aaaaakh ya mama. Aaaaakh Ishgad mishtaqatlich. I miss you. I miss you so much. People dont know what to say to us anymore. They tell us that their words wont make a difference. They tell us that we have to go on with our lives. Surely we will, but it wont be the same. Wont be the same without you both.

Yes Im writing. Im writing today because there are no more tears left in me. No more tears to soothe my pain. Im writing today because there is nothing left. Nothing left but words. Words that are shrouded. Shrouded in Black....
posted by neurotic_wife at 11:55 AM 52 comments

September 14, 2010

Que sera sera...

There was always this nagging feeling deep within me that Im on this earth for a reason. God put me here to do something, to be someone. And no,Im not talking about fame, nor fortune. I had so many questions, asked him everynight. Why? Why am I here God? Why bring me into this foresaken world?Night after night for so many years I asked him. Yet he never replied. Or maybe he did and I never heard. Or maybe I heard but I didnt want to listen.

Today after all these years I stopped asking. I stopped asking not because I gave up but because I now know what the answer is. I finally got to listen. I finally managed to make sense of it all. Sense from all the non sense around me. I always thought that Id be a writer. A writer with a voice. A voice for the people. The Iraqi people. Unfortunately though, I failed. And failed miserably. Though my voice was loud, it wasnt loud enough. My words may have been strong but not strong enough. And just like I did, people may have heard me, they heard me but chose not to listen. Now my calling is beyond any love. Any love for one's country, beyond any love for one's people. Now my calling is more than Love. Its way way more than that. And my voice will be louder. Much louder than it ever was. Because this time, this time its about survival, survival of the closest being to my heart.

My journey as a wife has come to an end. Im still a wife, but more importantly I have begun a new life. A new life as a mother. A mother of 2 beautiful creatures. This time though, the journey will be long. Long and rough. It started already on board of a long haul flight. A long haul flight thats taking me to places Ive never seen. Places Ive never heard of.

And so my friends, I want to thank you. Thank you for all your words. Thank you for all the support Ive had throughout these years. I want to thank you for being there for me when HUBBY abandoned me for our country. I want to thank you for being there for me when I was bombarded by rockets. I want to thank you for sharing with me my dreams, my hopes, my sadness. Each and everyone that read and posted on my blog, be it good or bad you were and will always remain a part of that initial journey. A part of neurotic iraqi wife's life. A part of my past laughters and past cries. So thank you. Thank you for every word you have written to me...

Right now though I have landed to my first destination. Its a far far away place, but if you know me well enough, and still want to accompany me on this long haul turbulent flight, there is no doubt you will be able to find me. I will not publicize my new place/blog for I did that mistake before. So for now, this journey has come to an end. A Bitter Sweet end. And just like my dad used to always sing to us, Que sera sera whatever will be, will be...The Future is not ours to see. What will be will be...Que sera sera....

THE END...
posted by neurotic_wife at 8:45 AM 75 comments

August 15, 2010

Waiting...

In less than a week, a year would have been passed. 365 days Baba. 365 Days without seeing you, without hearing you, without touching you. 365 days of utter and utmost heart break. I have prayed for you every night, talked to you every day. Remembered you every second. Yesterday I shed tears for the umpteenth time. HUBBY and I were walking with one of the boys in the streets of London, and there, right infront of my eyes I saw your favourite place. OUR favourite Place. Foyles. Foyles the bookshop. I stopped in my tracks and forgot all about the rain. HUBBY looked at me while he was pushing the stroller and said cmon Neurotica, wake up, yella move.

My tears kept flowing and he knew somethng was up. This is Baba's place I said. This is our special time. Every Saturday when he'd visit London he would take me to Foyles ever since I was a child. We would spend hours upon hours reading and buying books. He instilled in me the love for learning, the love for reading. After we are done with our purchases, he would take me to the Fish and Chips place next door. Aaaaaaaakh ya baba Aaaaaaaaaaakh. Aaaaaaaaakh the pain doesnt want to go away. I miss you, miss you sooooo sooooo much. I truly wish you were here.

I dont really have much good news Baba. One of the boys isnt feeling too well unfortunately. We had to pack our bags and leave in a night to come here. I lost all hope in Dr's in AD. I hate them, and hate them with a vengeance. They took you away from me, and now they were about to take my son. They wouldnt listen to me when I tell them I know something is up. They kept telling me I worry too much. But a mothers instinct is far too strong. I refused their misdiagnosis and am taking him to the best doctors here. Ilhamdilla, things are beginning to brighten up again. He is doing much better. I had to leave my other son with D, we had no choice, but I will be going to get him very soon. And Baba, I know youre not gonna like this, but we are most probably moving to the States for good. Yes I know, I know Baba you always wanted me to stay to be with the family, bes I cant. I cant risk my boys health anymore. I really cant, and Im sure had you been here, you yourself will tell me to go. Im doing this for them and them only.

Yes its gonna be a nightmare with no help, no family, no friends, absolutely no one. Im going to be a total wreck. But if its for my childrens sake, then who cares about me. I give them my life and not see them suffer. I had plans baba. Big plans for their first birthday. We all knew if you were still with us, you would throw them the biggest party ever. And based upon that, I was planning something big, something special BUT. But with one of them sick, and us not going to be in AD anymore, we will probably just get them a small cake, a small candle, and wait for you to visit so we can all blow the candles together. Please do come and visit, even for just a few minutes. I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you Baba. Waiting...
posted by neurotic_wife at 12:20 PM 70 comments

March 07, 2010

The Blissful Eternal Journey...

To the Star that lit my skies


To the breeze that cooled me down

To my dearest beautiful Baba

As I walked on that desert sand passing by the numbers, the numbers that identify those who left this world, I saw you. I saw your name on that plaque, and the tears streamed down my cheeks. I couldnt help it baba. I really couldnt. How can it be, "Il marhoom ......"The words sent chills down my spine. I sat down on the bench, staring at your resting place. Read the Fat ha on your soul, and out of the blue a sudden serenity overcame me. I began to smile. Smile for I remembered a joke we shared together. Maybe it was you talking to me, telling me not to despair. Yes I finally managed to get away from my boys to get to see you. Im sorry I havent visited you in so so long, I hope you can forgive me.

Baba, the day you have been looking forward to finally came. The elections were today. And yes I know you are going to be upset with me, for I refused to go. Im sorry, but there is no one that I believe can bring a better life to the Iraqis. All the promises that these people claim to bring to Iraq are false. They entered the election race to satisfy their own egos. Their own egos and their own needs. I gave my voice a few years ago, but it was never heard. I lifted my purpe finger with pride, but it got broken. I had hopes, and big dreams, but now, now I no longer dream of a better Iraq. I may hope for a better Iraq, not for my sake, but for the Iraqi people's sake, but to dream it?No. I cant.

Yes Baba, I know you dont agree with me. I know that you always had hope. BIG hope. And thats what makes you a great man. You never give up. Even on your hospital bed, a few days before you were gone, you were so upset and angry by the bombings that took place in Baghdad. I was shocked. There we were, worried about you, and yet, you werent worried about yourself, but worried about your countrymen instead. Baba, there is no honest man out there, believe me. Their words stopped meaning anything to me. For I know, I know that the Iraq you have known will never come back. Not now, not in my children's lifetime, not ever. And no, Im not being a pessimist as you used to call me, but a realist.

Many people are calling this a historical moment. What history? Are we gonna call every election a historical moment?Thats something I dont understand. What kind of history are they making. What will my little ones read when they grow up?Iraq, the Shattered Dream? Hundreds of thousands of people are risking their lives because of Hope. And maybe Hope is the only thing they have right now. But for me this is nothing but a repeat of a definite failure. Sorry Baba, I dont want to upset you, but you always told us to speak our minds, and this is exactly whats on my mind.

I spent my day instead sniffing my boys' sweet feet, an addiction that I cant get enough of, for they have such yummy feet Baba. Speaking of the boys, they are growing so fast. I can tell already that they will be cheeky little munchkins. And Baba they are total opposites of each other in every way possible. From looks to behaviour to habbits, it just amazes me how can these two come from the same two people. There is one thing and one thing only they have in common though.

One day as I was playing with one of them, I could tell he was mesmerised by something. I look, and out of all the photos on that table, he was staring at yours. Staring and smiling. The exact same thing happened with his brother.Yes, can you believe it?It took me by a total surprise. So now, whenever they look at you, I say yes, yes this is your Jiddo, your amazing Jiddo. I dont want their first words to be mama or baba or even dada. No, I want their first word to be Jiddo. What do you say?

Offffffff ya baba, how much I miss you. Yella come back, come back, your grandsons are waiting for you. Your grandsons are waiting to hear that deep laughter of yours, are waiting for their Jiddo to play with them. Yella come on, this trip of yours is taking too long. Way too long. Nevertheless I hope youre enjoying the Journey. The Blissful Eternal Journey...
posted by neurotic_wife at 8:46 PM 75 comments

February 25, 2010

My Guardian Angel....

To the sun that brightened my days

To the moon that calmed my nights

To my dearest beloved Baba

I do apologize for not writing to you in so long, I know, I know that I have promised to write everyday, but everytime I hold that pen and flip that page, I realize that I have so much to tell you, yet the words never come out. Its been a tough six months Baba, very tough. Since you left life has just become so bitter, bitter and dull. All of us became like robots, trying to go on with our daily lives, but in reality a huge chunk of our hearts died with you.

Im not sure where to start Baba. What do I tell you about my life?Your grandsons were born on the 1st of Oct, just six weeks after you were gone. Aaaaakh if only you waited. If only god gave you a few more weeks, but what can I say. For I have been very angry with God, so angry that at times I just felt faithless. He took away the one person in this world that truly loved me, the one person in this world that truly cared for me, so why should I love him back? Why should I be that faithful slave, WHY? But then again Im far too weak to stay faithless, for God did bless me with you and my 2 beautiful boys.

You cant believe Baba how one of them is such a photocopy of you. He has your sparkling blue eyes (the only grandchild who managed it), he has your fair skin. He even has that smile of yours, and you know what, we actually named him after you. Yes I know, I had another name for him, but once you passed, I did not hesitate one bit that one of my boys will have your name. And he was the lucky one. Oh Baba, if only you can see them. There are times where I imagine you sitting with me in the room while I play with them, and you'd be talking to them, scaring them with your deep voice like you used to with the other grandkids. Id start laughing so much until my tears become that of sadness. Oh how I wish you were here.












You will be proud of me Baba, very proud. I have endured situations where I would never have thought I can. But I did. Everytime I want to give up, I feel that light pat on my shoulder, the one that tells me, all will be ok, just be patient. And aaaaah what patience do I really have. Im sure if it was someone else in my place, they would have definitely given up a long long time ago. Two weeks after I delivered, Mama discovered she was very ill and had to leave for treatment. Once my siblings and I found out the news, we just went numb. How could this happen?First you, and now Mama. Now you see why I was faithless for awhile. Can you blame me Baba?
The slight happiness that my boys brought to our lives was again gone. But Il hamdilla, things are ok now, as you already know. For you came in my dream to welcome Mama back home. I loved seeing you and felt your extreme relief for her return to her own place. I wonder, do my kids see you when they sleep? Is it you that make them giggle uncontrollably and once you wave goodbye they start crying inconsolably?Im sure its you, It must be you.

People kept soothing me, time is the best healer they said. Funny enough, as the days pass, the yearning for you becomes even more and more. And who told those people I want to be healed?I never want to be healed from your pain.How dare they even suggest a thing like that. I dont want time to pass by, no I dont. I convinced myself that you are on a very long business trip and that you will be coming back any time. Any time now, you will open that door and come and say hi to me and the kids. You will love them for sure. For they are such smart cookies Baba. But oh what a handful. Im exhausted, Im exhausted and drained both physically and mentally.

One of the boys (surprisingly the one named after you) has so many problems. One of them is reflux, and a few times he actually choked to the point he turned blue and stopped breathing. Baba, I thought I was gonna lose him, lose him for good. You cant imagine the fear I was living in, and still live in for that guy. I just wish that this is just a short phase he is going through.
I have so much more to tell you, but I think I will keep it for another day. And Baba, before I leave you in peace, I want to let you know, that I truly love you and miss you and want you back. I want you back so badly, you were my backbone, you were the only person in this whole universe that I could rely on and you were the only person in this whole universe that understood me. Im sorry, very sorry for all the pain I have caused you, and all the heartache that my immature self had bestowed on you many many years back...Baba you are my angel. My Guardian Angel...
posted by neurotic_wife at 3:07 AM 75 comments

September 12, 2009

A Heavenly Peace...

Yes its been long. Very long. But tragedy has hit home. When I was in my twenties, I had vowed to never go to a funeral or a gathering of women mourning. NEVER. My heart couldnt take it after witnessing my fifty year old cousin pass away. Yet 3 weeks ago I see myself in the middle of it all. Three weeks ago, I was the one wailing. The one pulling my hair. Three weeks ago, I was the one falling to the ground begging people to bring my father back. Back to me. On the 21st of Aug my father passed. Passed to the other world.

As I write these words, my heart wrenches for him. My heart aches for him. Aches for his touch, for his beautiful luminous smile. Aches for his soothing words. My heart aches for his eyes, his deep blue sea eyes. The love of my life is gone. GONE. Yet my mind still doesnt want to believe it. I honestly dont believe that I will never see him again. I dont believe that his index finger will never circle my swelling belly again. I dont believe that he will never hug me, will never squish me between his arms. I dont believe that he wont meet my babies. The babies that he was so eager to meet, to hold, to touch, to play with. My dad left us but I know he fought really hard to stay for us.

Till this day we dont know what exactly happened. He was diagnosed with advanced cancer back in late June. And in less than 2 months he was gone. Some doctors said he was doing very well, others said he only had a few weeks. A FEW WEEKS starting from end of Aug. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FEW WEEKS!!!WHERE??? We know something went wrong somewhere. We know it in our hearts. They did a mistake, and my dad was the victim. I have so much anger inside, so much hatred towards these ignorant doctors. But whats the point. It will never bring my father back. It will never heal our bleeding hearts. NEVER.

Yes I vowed a long time ago, yet here I am, in the middle of all of this, wailing, begging strangers to bring my dad back. We visited him a few times, and every time I go, I cant believe how can such a strong man end up under the ground, under the ground with the scorching sun above him, and the ants crawling all over. HOW?How and Why?It was his birthday on the 9th. We took a cake, sang for him Happy Birthday, but as I started to say the words Happy, my voice cracked and my tears kept flowing over the dirt. I couldnt continue. I just couldnt. I so wanted my dad to be the one singing with us, I so wanted him to blow his own candles.

At night I stay awake thinking, if only he waited. If only he waited a few more weeks. If only he waited to see my babies. My babies that are due soon. If Only...Who is gonna pamper them now? Who is gonna tease them? Oh how much I miss my dad. How much I crave for his tenderness. For his vision. His vision of a better Iraq. A unified Iraq. As we were going through his papers, we found so many charities he was giving to, so many donations he had made, yet he never ever uttered a word. So many families he helped, so many children he fed and paid for their education. How can we live upto such a man. How can we be like him? But I know that its our duty to continue his legacy. Its our responsibility to continue in his footsteps.

Dad, you are always here, here with us. Here in our hearts, our hearts and minds. I know you will be there smiling over me, smiling over me, when Im having your grandsons. I know you will bless them with your kindness. Yes dad, I will be waiting for you. Waiting for your scent to pass by me, by us just like it did the other day. I know you are here. And I know you are in heaven. Rest in Peace...A Heavenly Peace...
posted by neurotic_wife at 11:35 AM 71 comments

May 08, 2009

The Neurotic Iraqi Mom...

The cries of that lady startled me. I so wanted to go and talk to her. Talk to her and tell her all is gonna be ok. All is gonna be fine, but I just couldnt. I couldnt move. I was stuck. Stuck on that hard bed wired to that heavy IV drip. I couldnt muster the energy. I looked around me and I too began to cry. I was lying there immobile, in that morbid place, ALONE. Separating us was a curtain. A dull patterned curtain. Everything in that place smelt sterile, felt sterile. How many cries did these walls witness. How many whimpers did these curtains see.

I touched my belly ever so softly, "tell me youre gonna be just fine" I whispered. I repeated the words but this time with urgency, "Please tell me youre gonna be fine" I begged. But I know theyre fighters. Theyre my fighters. Theyre fighters just like their mom. I prayed for I dont know how long until I guess I dozed off. Then the mobile rang. I woke up with a jolt, Its HUBBY. Oh how I wished he was here with me, with us.

I wanted time to pass. I wanted to get out of there. Whenever they brought in those food trays I just pushed it away. I didnt feel like eating. But then I remembered. Its not just me now. I have 2 more mouths to feed. Theyve probably been traumatized as well. So I picked on those boiled carrots and shoved them in my mouth. Then I took a bite from that piece of broiled fish. I wanted to spit it out so badly, but I chewed it so fast and gulped it down. Its not just me now. I have two more mouths to feed, I reminded myself.

They day I was released was like a dream. Wow, I can actually see the daylight. I can see the sun. No more pale dull curtains isolating me from the world. No more painful IV tubes stuck in my veins. No more lonely cries. The relief, the relief I tell you is beyond any I have known. At the same time, the worry is still there. "You have a high risk pregnancy" Words that keep resonating in my ears. "You can lose them anytime" Ughhh I so despise these words. I so despise the constant fear Im in. But again, I know. I know theyre fighters. I know that God is watching over them. God is guarding them.

And no this isnt just a story Im telling, nor a dream. Nor is it a nightmare that my subconsious mind has made up. This is a reality. Here I am sitting typing this post, and looking at my cute rounded belly. And yes it is cute, for I never thought EVER after all these years of dreaming, of hoping, that I will finally have my own children. My own beautiful kids. And yes, inside there is not just one, but two. Two little munchkins waiting for their time to come to be released into this world, into my arms. And my arms are so ready to have them, to hold them, to embrace them.

Im no longer just a wife. The Neurotic Iraqi Wife. Im now a Mom. The Neurotic Iraqi Mom....
posted by neurotic_wife at 2:40 PM 77 comments