neurotic Iraqi wife
February 20, 2006
The Light of Hope......
There is one email that encouraged me to write this post. Its an email from a guy named Paul. Thanx Paul....Thanx for the encouragement and thanx for your advice....Its a pity that people do not want to hear the truth....I may have been "emotional" in my last post but not cynical...And no it doesnt suck to be me...whoever wrote that in the comments, you dont know me well, and you will never do....
But I want people to realise that this is still a war zone....Things are not back to normal...I did not deny the fact that no rebuilding is taking place...Cuz there is...and I have said it time and time again...I did not put blame on the US government..All I wanted to say was not everything you hear in the news is true....Things are NOT ROSY here....There are programs that have been a success...Like the schools for example...But hospitals, health clinics, other projects that have been handled by big shot contractors have been shameful...
I wish I can disclose more...I have signed a confidentiality letter...I wish I can say the names of those huge money making contractors who are the reaosn behind this failure..But I cant...You can either take my word or not..Its your choice..I just write what I know and what I see...The US leads that have come here in the organisation that Im working with have been ever so helpful...On the contrary they try to find solutions but at the end of the day its who you know and where....Decisions cannot be made just like that...
Am I disappointed???sure I am...but do I have hope??? Sure I do.....I do have hope that things will get better...When???I havent got the faintest idea...I wish I knew...but I dont...And yes it is time for HUBBY and I to leave....Thats exactly what we are planning to do....We both are worn out...we both are drained....I hope he sticks to the plan....I can see pain in his eyes when I remind him that our time is up here...He tells me "If I leave, that means I have failed"...Thats how he sees it...That statement shuts me up...but I try to tell him that he has done as much as he can...He cannot do more simply because his BOSS took over...His BOSS is a one man show and had sidelined him in everything....The program he worked so hard to manage...to achieve to make a success has been taken over by his BOSS who makes unlateral decisions that backfired on the whole program....And without saying more, that project is the only subject that the Generals around here rate their success...One General is quoted to have said "if these xxx do not get finished, then this reconstruction is a failure" ....
So yes put yourself in my shoes...Come here, a newly wed bride...with no where to go...but work and the tiny room...No one to talk to except a HUBBY who is so engrossed in his work....No privacy except when you are in the tiny cubicle of a bathroom..no appreciation for all the work hours you put in until the early mornings...No good news from Iraqi colleagues who everyday have a story to share about a kidnapping or some death in the family...Put yourself in my shoes and tell me how happy will you be????? Atleast Im known to be the most person that smiles around here...The person with the bubbly personality....Its strange cuz I dont see myself that way but thats how people preceive me here...I guess its my way of trying to make the best out of the situation....So no dont tell me Im a cynical person cuz I aint...All what Im trying to do and have been trying to do is survive, survive like evryone else here...And I dont mean survive physically, I mean survive mentally and emotionally...
My marriage was on the brink of ending....There was no one to complain to...no one to seek advice from except my amazing brother and sister who were miles and miles away...Couldnt tell parents as not to burden them.....Wrote my heart out here in theis blog....opened myself up like I havent to anyone...Yet I got critisized....But I aint a quitter...I will keep on writing cuz tahts my life line, without it Im empty....
Just yesterday a colleague's sister got injured in a suiced attack...4 of our maintenance workers survived the blast...Everyday you hear stories....you cant just ignore it and say "yay things are great here" This is a WAR ZONE.....You guys live in the comfort of your homes and make judgements about surviving....Remember the time when electricity went off in the whole of NY city, people started panicing???well people here have that everyday...I used to moan and whine if we dont get water for a few hours when I was at home....People here make do with everything that have...People here are survivors....
I tell you one thing...The problem is not only with those contractors but also with the ministries here....The ones who are supposed to accept the projects and sign for turnover...Their expectations are so high, when really it shouldnt be...they keep asking for more and more things...They think that since the States came here to rebuild the country then they should accept all the demands...which is funny and sad at the same time....So you see, its not just outsiders its people here...And not all ministries are like that...Just a few...It takes 2 to tango....
The US Gov is trying to find other ways, other options to please the ministries...Maybe find other contracting avenues, like Giving a specific amount of money to the ministries for the projects they want to construct and let them do it themselves...This might cause some problems in some ministries cuz of the corruption thats around...But so far that option has proved a better success than the ones the US contractors handled here...
Im writing this during my lunch break and its almost over...We are finally going on vacation...Out in the civilized world...Time to breath and time to live...Just for a short while but I aint complaining... I will be saying GoodBye to this place in a few months if my plan works....Many of the people that made life here easier have gone...And I guess that also played a major part in the bleak office atmosphere....
I better go back to work....But remember Im trying to be as hopeful as can be, for the stars are shining here everynight, shining up on me with their light...The Light of Hope.....
But I want people to realise that this is still a war zone....Things are not back to normal...I did not deny the fact that no rebuilding is taking place...Cuz there is...and I have said it time and time again...I did not put blame on the US government..All I wanted to say was not everything you hear in the news is true....Things are NOT ROSY here....There are programs that have been a success...Like the schools for example...But hospitals, health clinics, other projects that have been handled by big shot contractors have been shameful...
I wish I can disclose more...I have signed a confidentiality letter...I wish I can say the names of those huge money making contractors who are the reaosn behind this failure..But I cant...You can either take my word or not..Its your choice..I just write what I know and what I see...The US leads that have come here in the organisation that Im working with have been ever so helpful...On the contrary they try to find solutions but at the end of the day its who you know and where....Decisions cannot be made just like that...
Am I disappointed???sure I am...but do I have hope??? Sure I do.....I do have hope that things will get better...When???I havent got the faintest idea...I wish I knew...but I dont...And yes it is time for HUBBY and I to leave....Thats exactly what we are planning to do....We both are worn out...we both are drained....I hope he sticks to the plan....I can see pain in his eyes when I remind him that our time is up here...He tells me "If I leave, that means I have failed"...Thats how he sees it...That statement shuts me up...but I try to tell him that he has done as much as he can...He cannot do more simply because his BOSS took over...His BOSS is a one man show and had sidelined him in everything....The program he worked so hard to manage...to achieve to make a success has been taken over by his BOSS who makes unlateral decisions that backfired on the whole program....And without saying more, that project is the only subject that the Generals around here rate their success...One General is quoted to have said "if these xxx do not get finished, then this reconstruction is a failure" ....
So yes put yourself in my shoes...Come here, a newly wed bride...with no where to go...but work and the tiny room...No one to talk to except a HUBBY who is so engrossed in his work....No privacy except when you are in the tiny cubicle of a bathroom..no appreciation for all the work hours you put in until the early mornings...No good news from Iraqi colleagues who everyday have a story to share about a kidnapping or some death in the family...Put yourself in my shoes and tell me how happy will you be????? Atleast Im known to be the most person that smiles around here...The person with the bubbly personality....Its strange cuz I dont see myself that way but thats how people preceive me here...I guess its my way of trying to make the best out of the situation....So no dont tell me Im a cynical person cuz I aint...All what Im trying to do and have been trying to do is survive, survive like evryone else here...And I dont mean survive physically, I mean survive mentally and emotionally...
My marriage was on the brink of ending....There was no one to complain to...no one to seek advice from except my amazing brother and sister who were miles and miles away...Couldnt tell parents as not to burden them.....Wrote my heart out here in theis blog....opened myself up like I havent to anyone...Yet I got critisized....But I aint a quitter...I will keep on writing cuz tahts my life line, without it Im empty....
Just yesterday a colleague's sister got injured in a suiced attack...4 of our maintenance workers survived the blast...Everyday you hear stories....you cant just ignore it and say "yay things are great here" This is a WAR ZONE.....You guys live in the comfort of your homes and make judgements about surviving....Remember the time when electricity went off in the whole of NY city, people started panicing???well people here have that everyday...I used to moan and whine if we dont get water for a few hours when I was at home....People here make do with everything that have...People here are survivors....
I tell you one thing...The problem is not only with those contractors but also with the ministries here....The ones who are supposed to accept the projects and sign for turnover...Their expectations are so high, when really it shouldnt be...they keep asking for more and more things...They think that since the States came here to rebuild the country then they should accept all the demands...which is funny and sad at the same time....So you see, its not just outsiders its people here...And not all ministries are like that...Just a few...It takes 2 to tango....
The US Gov is trying to find other ways, other options to please the ministries...Maybe find other contracting avenues, like Giving a specific amount of money to the ministries for the projects they want to construct and let them do it themselves...This might cause some problems in some ministries cuz of the corruption thats around...But so far that option has proved a better success than the ones the US contractors handled here...
Im writing this during my lunch break and its almost over...We are finally going on vacation...Out in the civilized world...Time to breath and time to live...Just for a short while but I aint complaining... I will be saying GoodBye to this place in a few months if my plan works....Many of the people that made life here easier have gone...And I guess that also played a major part in the bleak office atmosphere....
I better go back to work....But remember Im trying to be as hopeful as can be, for the stars are shining here everynight, shining up on me with their light...The Light of Hope.....
21 Comments:
I have to agree with Paul, tell it like it is!
All we see about the recontstruction here in the States, is what our media provides us, so having a variety of inside opinions from bloggers currently there is what we need. Each person is affected differently by the different things going on that they witness and I think that what you, and others, write, gives a comprehensive overview.
In re: to the personal side of your blog I think that it is YOUR blog so if you want to be upset and vent your frustration here, that is what you should do!!!
If someone writes a nasty criticism of what you have written, tell them where to stick it. If they have enough time to run around being nasty to other bloggers, then they aren't doing enough to help the word.
I love your Blog, don't change a thing about what you write.
God bless you, Lady.
Your blog would be diminished if you are not honest in your posts. I can understand your frustration, but I do feel hope for Iraq as well. I just wish you could sit at my kitchen table over a cup of coffee for a while. May the situation improve -- AND SOON. There are too many good people in your country for the corruption to continue. Just remember - you have friends here.
NIW,
I like your honest comments. I believe you! In fact, I believe you have given the most honest assessment that I have seen of the American reconstruction program.
The media tend to focus exclusively on failures of reconstruction and never seem to get around to pointing out any successes. Some Iraqi bloggers tend to make absolutely ludicrous blanket statements like "NO RECONSTRUCTION HAS OCCURRED." The US government public affairs operations tend to give truthful accounts of successful projects (but stay silent on any bad things).
The Section 2207 reports and the inspector general reports on reconstruction seem to be the most detailed public information.
Also, I think one big problem is that the initial plans for reconstruction were based on EXPECTED peaceful postwar conditions! Thus, when the media reports that only 45% of electric projects are completed (or whatever), it is a terribly unfair measure.
It would be like holding New Orleans Mayor accountable for a city growth program he outlined before the hurricanes!
Anyway, I can totally understand that you would be mentally and physically worn out from such living and working conditions. I am glad you and your husband worked on the reconstruction project. We (the American citizens) needed good and dedicated people like you guys!
Good luck to you, your work, your marriage, and in whatever you do. I visit here occasionally, and appreciate your contributions.
-Memphis, TN
Hang in. There is light at the end of the tunnel. This experience will make you stronger and believe it or not you and hubby will look back on this with a whole new perspective later on. There a many of us who stand shoulder to shoulder with you in spirit though we may not always know exactly what to say.
Hi NIW,
Because I believe I know your person, I've made a point of not communicating with you across this media in the past, for fear of discouraging you from writing freely. Today, however, having read your last two entries I can't hold back anymore. So here goes:
Iraq needs dedicated people like your good self and your husband. And those of us who are unable, for whatever reason, to participate at this crucial juncture in the history of Iraq can only salute you for your courage and perseverance.
Construction efforts in Iraq: Your frustration is understandable. However, "Rome was not built in a day". And post conflict reconstruction is invariably fraught with corruption and abuse. But with the (more often than not thankless) efforts of more and more people like you the situation will improve. Not at the pace that we would all like, but will improve nonetheless.
Malicious or inconsiderate criticism: I went through most of your readers' comments and I am not sure which one offended you. It may be useful to remember the Iraqi adage that goes something like this: "He whose hand is in the fire is not like one whose hand is in water".
Finally, with reference to your emotional state of mind: You guys are definitely due for a good holiday. Normally, I would recommend Nepal or Sri Lanka, but knowing you guys I suggest either Venice or Barcelona. Wherever you go may it be your best holiday yet.
PS: Did you hear of Mam Jalal's retort to hecklers in the newly elected Iraqi parliament: "Iliy beata min hajar lay shummur jamm."
"Iliy beata min hajar lay shummur jamm."
English?
Don't give up! Write anonymous letters to newspapers, radio, TV, politicians, anyone who will listen.
Write, write, write, write, write! Then write some more. Name names. Give figures where you can. Don't say anything that gives away your identity.
Transparency is the only way things will get better. These corrupt roaches flee the light. You can be that light.
NIW,
Unless there's some monumental change in the situation, it's time for you and hubby to move on. Be thankful you contributed as best as you could under the circumstances and that you lived through it. Discuss with hubby all your options of places to go. You could both search for jobs on the Internet and send out resumes to locations you would like to live. Find out which areas offer the most potential for the next phase of your life. The two of you can go anywhere now. It will be harder when you have a family.
You didn't fail your country. You gave it your best until the point of burn out. No one expects you to sacrifice any more. Go where you can have a normal life and refresh yourselves and your relationship. Although you are both loyal to Iraq, God created the whole world. He can work through you in other places, too. Pray for Him to direct you to where He wants you to go. Maybe God will lead you back to Iraq in the future.
I am hoping that all is well. Get it out kiddo!
Feb 25th
Neurotica,
Wishing you and Hubby and everyone stay safe.
Wishing you all the best in whatever you do, wherever you go.
When you wish upon a star...
Much love to you, little sister.
-- Tilli
:)))))))
"Iliy beata min hajar lay shummur jamm."
is a lampoon on "Illiy beta min jamm lay shummur hijar"
a reverse-lampoon actually.
the last one means in anglais:
he who has a glass house should not throw stones.
but since mam jalal (our el-presidente) is kurdish (poor guys who have a bad rep as being thick. think: kurdish joke = irish joke)
so, since he is kurdish, he said: he who has a house of stone should not throw glass.
ha ha.
i know bored you to death and not funny, in anglais that is, in arabic its a side-splitter!
a perk of being arab. perhaps the only one, is to understand arab jokes!
that was too harsh. sorry!
NIW, hope you are your hubby get a break soon, and are able to do as you both chose to do...return or not. As one of the brave ones to try and help, you owe no one an explanation, but I certainly appreciate you writing about it here.
Anarki13, love your explanation, it works the same way here in Canada
We affectionately tease the Newfies (Newfoundlanders). And some of the best 'newfie' jokes are from them!
And the backwards 'thing' is a common theme as well.
Bet it's the same way all over the world.
LOL on the joke! Thanks for explaining it.
Do not for ONE MINUTE, wife, think that you are a failure - or your husband does not need to think this.
Both of you have shown dedication to rebuilding your country and in spades! What a job - a tough, tough job. Duty and honor. You have done for your country and have the right to be proud.
I am sorry that it is so hard. You need a break - both of you. No one can continue like this for very long. That is why there are others.
Take care and be safe, y'hear?!
(PS - I haven't seen ONE THING about reconstruction in Iraq in our press. We are grateful for the glimpses we get from Iraqi bloggers - thank you.)
Thank you for sharing so honestly. You are absolutely right. There have been some reconstruction successes but the US private contractors have failed miserably overall. It is corruption and mishandling of funds, off shore accounts and not using the Iraqi people and Iraqi organizations and NGOs, the Iraqi corporate companies as true partners in rebuilding their own country. There is a big USAID contract up for bidding due March 6th. Focused Stabilization in Strategic Cities Initiative (FSSCI) http://www.usaid.gov/iraq/activities.html
It was "hidden" grant, until about 3 weeks ago when some of us complained. The same old “good old boy” US companies (I will not name names, but I am sure you know a few of them) are bidding and the primary bidders do not want Iraqi partners, they only want to use them as "resources", which is setting up this grant to fail from the very beginning. They take a large overhead leaving pennies for the “resources” and the work that needs to be completed.
This grant and what they are asking needs real team work of many different organizations and ministries and thus far, just in the bidding and proposal process, I see the same old, same old. The fact is, these US companies can not do this work on the ground in Iraq, it has to be accomplished by Iraqis, and until USAID and other organizations realize this and stop awarding the same US companies with poor track records in Iraq with these grants, it is money down the toilet. I will also say, some of these contractors have gone under full investigation, been exposed and then USAID gives them another grant.
Really, it is part of the system that is failing. To receive a 30 million dollar grant from USAID, first you must have at least ½ of that in the primaries bank account. USAID normally does not pay up front but relies on the contractor’s money and then pays in installments at time, so only a few organizations can be able to get this contract and they know it.
Second, it is perfectly legal to lobby with lobby payouts to get these contracts. So regular, nonprofits can not compete on equal footing. Well. Enough, my blood pressure is rising and I will stay anonymous.
God Bless you and your family and all others with good hearts, intentions and hardwork.
Ok NIW,
Time for another post! Tell us you are safe and sound at home now! I heard about the mortar shots! ITM talked about it today!
[My marriage was on the brink of ending]
[no one to seek advice from]
Come here to tio Nader for an advice esposita mia. Porque es asi tan triste? You want to change it to a more florid fashion then dump that pri…ess Hubby of yours and fly the coup with that gringo contractor. You guys only need to declare it ‘force majeure’ to take off on a GOLDEN retirement to a la la land to spend the rest of your lives romancing the shale.
It is with utmost regret and heartfelt condolences I write of the death of Christian Peacemaker Team member Tom Fox.
Fox loved the Iraqi people and lived in the same conditions as they did in the past few years and helped set up a Muslim Peacemaker Team.
He had a blog: http://waitinginthelight.blogspot.com/
We must all condemn the killing of brother Tom Fox, a crime that is equally against the Iraqi people as it against him, his family, and humanity.
Tom Fox was a friend to the Iraqi people. He had most recently been in Falluja bringing much relief and comfort to the people there after the condemnable US assault on the city.
Please read some of his own words on his blog which he maintained before his vile kidnapping to see what a compassionate human being he was.
God help and bless his loved ones.
Dear Neurotic iraqi Wife..i feel like i know u altho i probably dont..ur story matches the stories of all the friends i have in baghdad and around iraq..and the stories of my HUBBY who finally gave up on me fully..i think u work with in the same places he works and so i have heard all the details..who ever disagrees or says ur being too cynical dont know how it is in there,i've left just before the war and i cant imagin how it is in there, so how would someone who never lived the iraqi life ever be able to tell..i hope ur enjoying your well deserved holiday..God bless u .. i hope u guys jump out of the frying pan.back in september 2002 when i left, i cried like crazy everytime someone left, coz i felt home wont be home if everyone i know is out of it..now..priorities changed..i want them to be safe..and selfishly..i wana be able to wake up in the morning and not wonder if they're all stil alive or not....
i started a blog recently..pop in if u got time and mood..search "choo8i" and u'll find me..again God bless u and ur hubby..its very very hard and you are all heros..when i tell stories about my life back home people here wonder how the hell i lived them..i pause and wonder how the hell you guys are making it thru..for i dont think it was ever as bad..yet..we can at least keeps our hopes up..if nothing else..specially us..outside iraq..who can at least afford to do so..
choo8i
wish i had that many folks givin me a pep talk.. :)
you go girl and hang on to your family [in vivo and in vitro cyber]
anon
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