neurotic Iraqi wife

I just discovered this site MEMRI TV. Please check it out. It has subtitles in English. This site shows many of those terrorists that have been captured in Iraq and are being interrogated. They are bloodless criminals who have no intention of repenting. Those Bastards killing my people, slaughtering them, kidnapping them, raping them, then throwing them away like some trash. Im so damn angry and disgusted. Yet so pleased that they are being captured.

Im against capital punishment and hangings, but these barbarians deserve to be tortured and HUNG infront of all the people. They do not deserve to live one day on this earth.....If you go to search you can search more video clips about Iraq. It will also show you one clip (very heart breaking) about mothers facing the criminals that slaughtered their sons.

May all the Martyrs who gave their lives away to be part of this New Iraq rest in peace, and be delivered to the highest degree in paradise. Amen.....

Im scared, Im nervous, Im excited and I have butterflies flying a marathon in my tummy. Scared cuz Im afraid that I wont be accepted in the community I so much wanna help. Nervous cuz Im going into the unknown, and excited cuz its something I have been trying so hard to get and I got it. As for the butterflies well they have a life of their own...

I just received the offer yesterday. Finally after waiting and getting frustrated for not hearing anything in 12 days. I know it doesnt sound that long but for me every day that passed seemed like a year. I emailed HUBBY told him the good news and forwarded the email I got from HR. HUBBY wasnt pleased, said that they are taking me for a ride....Hmm, is it just me or is HUBBY having second thoughts??? WHO CARES IF THEY ARE TAKING ME FOR A RIDE. I WANT THAT RIDE!!!! I just wanna be there. I wanna be there so I can take part in this rebuilding process. I wanna be there so I can lend a helping hand. I wanna be there so I can be with my HUBBY.

But HUBBY tells me to wait. Hmm, wait for what exactly??? He says wait, dont sign anything yet, just wait. One thing I really hate is WAITING. But here I am "waiting" for whatever it is HUBBY wants to do. Though the contract says 18th April, Our first Wedding Anniversary is the 26th. Wow, its been One whole year!!! woooohooooo. Well not exactly. Out of those 365 days I had spent 51 with HUBBY,not bad for starters!!!! HUBBY wanted to take me somewhere "nice" but I said what better place to celebrate than be in "Baghdad"....Hope I wont regret these words one day....

As for my parents, told ya that they werent acting in accordance to the "house rules" Im used to. Mom FREAKED out when I mentioned the offer. Umm FREAKED out is an understatement, infact I believe she tore one of my ear drums from her ever so loud soprano shouting. Yup Im gonna go to Baghdad deaf. Maybe its a blessing from Mom so I wont have to hear the round of mortars or the sniper shootings, Thanx Mom.....

She completely denied the fact that I had mentioned working in Baghdad. I reminded her of her valuable words "If you do get kidnapped,let your husband pay the ransom". She couldnt deny that could she??? After I completed the last word, she began her rantings on poor HUBBY. She went on and on and on, while I just sat there, mesmerised by the email I got from HR with a teeny weeny smile on my face thinking "Oh Mom, if you only knew that it was HUBBY who applied on my behalf" But I shooed that thought out of my mind so fast just incase my tongue betrays me and utters it.....

For half an hour I sat there listening about what a failed marriage this is, what an irresponsible wife I am, how I should be telling HUBBY that its about time to come back here and start a family and how I shouldnt be even sitting on my ass, smiling away...lol. Her last words before she stormed out of my room "I'll tell your father about this nonsense and he will put a stop to it.LMAO!!!! Little did she know that Dad was somehow backing me on this...or was he???

I printed the email out and handed it to Dad, who disappeared in the room and came back 15 minutes later to place the papers neatly on the coffee table. Did not utter a word infront of Mom, nor did I. After what seemed like eternity, and while my Mom was in the Kitchen, I asked Dad about any comments..He just said "There's nothing to say". Hmm, now what's that supposed to mean?? Is it a yes you can go ahead with it, or a No, dont even think about it.... I tell you, I shoulda majored in psychology rather than finance to know what goes on inside people's minds....

On a lighter note, for the past 10 days I have subjected my hair to loads of experiments. After the first call I got from the HR person, I decided to go for "easy hair" since I know I wont have the time of day to worry about it while in Baghdad. No high lights, No colour and no ages trying to blow dry the ever so long Shakira hair....

Waved good bye to my long locks and good bye to those blonde hairs. Went back home, to be greeted by faces that looked like they have just seen a ghost...I tell you, it was THAT BAD. I looked pretty AWFUL..... The next day went back and decided to go for a lighter shade. Hmm still looked awful, and my fringe just doesnt seem to stay down. Yup that short.No wax, no spray can tame it. Darn what have I done. Decided to go back to blonde, looks better now, but I still am having a hard time with those darn short hairs. Hmm, I thought I said I wanted easy hair????

Anyhow, am still waiting for the Green Light from HUBBY while I sit here and wander which butterfly is winning the race... Thank God Im spending my time reading books or else I woulda gone insane. I just finished reading one by Asne Seierstad. I had already read her book about Afghanistan :The Bookseller of Kabul. It was a great read. This time I finished her "A Hundred and One days" All about being in Baghdad before, during and just after the war. Cant describe my feelings while reading it. I did cry though, if you ever read it you will know why.....

As for now, I just have to wait for the Green Light to flash, my ear drum to heal, And the Butterfly Marathon to End.....

Havent posted cuz havent been feeling well. And no, I havent fallen into the dreaded depression. I guess its that time of month that makes me feel so groggy,and UGHHHHH.....

Im sure most of you are just wandering how did the confrontation go with my family.Well, here goes....

It was last Friday that I decided to break the news to my father, and my father alone, since I knew had I just mentioned the word Baghdad to my mom, she would have probably shrieked. Apart from that Dad and I, usually share secrets together, something we used to do since I was a small kid. I chose the moment were he was sitting quietly reading the newspaper in the living room, and said:

ME: Umm Dad, there's something I need to tell you.
(No reaction except for the words "aha"
ME gritting my teeth: You know how I always wanted to go to Baghdad, and help the people?
(Still No reaction and the page of the newspaper was turned, I barely can see his face)
ME continuing as if talkingto myself loudly: Well Dad, and you know very well that Ihave been trying real hard to find a job there.
(Hmm still no darn bloody reaction)
ME clearing my voice and made it a hint louder: I GOT A JOB IN BAGHDAD, THE LADY CALLED ME YESTERDAY
(immediately the newspaper was folded and put down on the table and there they were dad's blue eyes peering at me through his glasses)I guess Ihad his full undivided attention.

DAD: What?Can you repeat what you just said
ME: dad, I got a job in Baghdad in finance and umm, am just waiting for the written offer
DAD: with who? and how long for?
ME: With HUBBY's company and I still dont have any details.
DAD: Well, once you get the offer we can discuss it further...(And just like that, he picked the newspaper and begain to read where he left off)

(Now, I just sat there staring at my father with my mouth fully agape. I couldnt believe his cool mannerism. Is that it????I thought to myself, but I guess I said it out loudly cuz then dad said "we will talk once you know more, and yes that is it:

Hmmm, I couldnt believe my luck. Then my brother passed by and decided to tell him the news, since I knew my brother was known to be more on the strict side, and was always overprotective over me. After telling brother the whole shebang, he just said "Good luck to you, try it out and see, its an experience for you, though I dont advice you to do it, but go along and check it out for yourself"

Ok, I wasnt really sure if they understood what I just said, but I repeated myself a few more times incase they missed something there and I made sure to tell them that this is no joke, this is real. Brother wished me luck, Dad nodded and said we will see. I sat there dumbfounded, for I had prepared a long lecture had anyone opposed, sadly or actually fortunately I didnt need to use what I had prepared......

A few days back, out of the blue, my mom was talking about the situation in Iraq and how whoever goes back now has lost their minds. I jumped in, and decided to take the plunge by telling her my secret."Mom, am going to Baghdad, Igot a job" Mom smiled and said" Good luck to you, and if you ever get kidnapped, dont presume we have the money to pay your ransom". Umm Mom, am serious, am going soon.Mom replied " and am serious too, let your HUBBY pay for the ransom" And off she went.... OMG, is that all??? I really couldnt believe myself. Infact I couldnt believe that they took it with a pinch of salt.....

As I relayed the conversations I had back to HUBBY, I could feel his smile shine through my mobile, dunno if its a smile of relief, or was it one of those cheeky smiles. Then he said "maybe they are not saying NO cuz they know you are crazy, and that you will flip" Hmm,thanx for being so reassuring HUBBY.... But that was that. No one uttered a word,and unfortunately I havent heard anything back from the HR person back in Baghdad. She said the offer will be emailed to me, but that was almost 5 days ago, so now I just have to sit and wait.

But it got me thinking, how come my parents were so relaxed about this whole thing. Maybe what HUBBY said was true, maybe they didnt want to say NO, cuz they know I would have made a scene and reacted in a bad way. Yeah yeah I know, I shouldnt be like that but my emotions seem to always jump before my teeny weeny brain does "sigh".... I remind myself of that kid in the ad where he grabs a bags of crisps and puts it in the trolley. The father then picks the bag and puts it back in the stall. The kid grabs the bag again and throws it angrily in the trolley, the father looks crossly at the kid, says NO and puts the bag back in its place. The kid then screams and screams then the screams turn into screaches and the kid decides to roll on the floor. Everyone just start giving the dad a look of disgust, when he finally decides to put the darn bag in the trolley and at the end of the ad a huge caption that says "USE CONDOMS". I absolutely love that ad, I find it sooooooooo cute(watched it while on vacation in amsterdam).

Oh well blabbed as usual, so now am just waiting....By the way, I wanna thank all of you who commented and suggested all those tips on how to approach the situation. I really appreciate it and am very grateful to all of you especially Ahmad ......Thank You for your words of support...

Hope once I get the offer, the situation will continue to be taken with A Pinch Of Salt........

What a day yesterday was. I was sitting surfing the net when I get a phonecall from one of HUBBY's relatives who lives here. She seemed very excited and asked the where abouts of HUBBY. We havent really told his relatives that he works in Baghdad since we didnt want to jeopardise his safety and so I was reluctant in answering her. Then she said"I need to talk to him urgently, there's a job opening in the company and they want HIM to take it" OMG. I couldnt believe my ears, HUBBY is finally coming here. Yaaaaaaaaaay. So I gave her his number and waited for his phonecall.

Half an hour later, HUBBY calls and tells me "They're gonna call you from Baghdad, you got a JOB here". SAY WHAT???? I said who's gonna call me??? and what the hell are you on about??? He said they saw your CV and since you are into finance, they wanna make you an offer!!! OMG, this aint happening. I asked but what about your relative??? Did she talk to you? HUBBY said "yes she did but there's nothing for sure, you know how she is, she keeps saying there's a job opening and we dont hear anything from her later" I just didnt know what to say. I asked about the job in Baghdad, and why he never mentioned to me that he gave my CV in. He simply said didnt wanna put your hopes high until I know for sure you will be accepted. OMG.

I sat there staring at the screen.Im finally going to Baghdad, Im finally gonna be with HUBBY, Im finally gonna be part of this rebuilding process, but then the balloon of excitement just fizzled down when I realised that there's my parents to break the news to. The phone rings yet again, and this time its the HR person in Baghdad. Thats when it hit me, HUBBY wasnt joking. She asked about the citizenship I hold and what sort of salary Im looking at. Then she said that I might need to go to Wshington to undergo health checks and security clearance inorder to get the paperwork. I kept nodding my head as if she is gonna see me through my mobile. At the end of the conversation she said "Please, at any time you feel nervous, and you dont think you are ready for this, please call me or drop me an email, I will understand" She continued "Its not a joke being here, its extremely dangerous" I gulped, not from fear but from the sudden adrelanin rush I got.

Now the task of explaining to my parents that I got my dream job is gonna be real difficult. I know for sure that my mom is gonna freak out and give me hell. As for my dad, well, I need to approach him with the utter most calm and practicality. Wish me luck, for today I truely need it. Its gonna be a long fight, a really long one and am sure that my tears will be accompanying me cuz me going to Iraq is a lost cause with my family. I still dont understand the mechanisms of why should I still take permission from my parents to do anything since Im married now and I have hit the big 30. I mean, I know they fear for me, I know they love me and care for me, but this is the chance that I have been waiting for, this is my chance to help my country.

They know how much this means to me, they know how hard I have been trying to look for a job there. They shouldnt stand against my dreams. Im really dreading today, Im dreading the conversation, Im dreading the confrontation, and most of all Im dreading the outcome. If they say No, which Im sure they will, Im gonna be devastated, and Ill fall back into my depression yet again. Darn.......

These are the major developments, any suggestions on how to approach them??? Is the dream gonna continue??? Or is it gonna be reality, the Reality of All My Aspirations........

Do you agree with Mister Ghost that I aint Neurotic??? Please dont say Yes, cmon do not disappoint me.....Check out the interview he made with me on Iraqi Bloggers Central. And MG thanx again for those lovely questions I really enjoyed answering them....

To Be Neurotic or Not To Be.......Hmm, very difficult to answer.....

Call me ignorant, call me politically illiterate, but why the hell is it taking ages for the members of the national assembly to AGREE??? Cmon people, try and put your differences aside for once, just for once, forego the arrogance in the air, and the high chairs on the ground. THINK and THINK ONLY OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE!!!!! Stop making demands and issuing ultimatums..... All the Iraqi people suffered during Saddam's regime, ALL of them did. Be it Shia's, Kurds, Sunni's, Christians, Jews etc....

I mean to use the amount of suffering as an excuse to get better chairs, or better positions or even cities is really beyond me. Im a Shia, my HUBBY is a Sunni, I have Kurdish relatives, and I know many others in the same situation, but we never ever use Saddam's torture against each other. For God's sake there are more important issues to be resolved at the moment in Iraq, other than who gets what in which Ministry. Suicide Bombers are still roaming the streets, Gangsters are still making deals, water is flooding the roads with a huge chance of diseases spreading, Sewage is everywhere, rubbish has been piling since God knows when, children and adults are being kidnapped, THERE IS NO SECURITY and we have members of the NA arguing whether Kirkuk is Kurdish or Arabic!!!!! For God's Sake its IRAQI......

Can someone just go and tap their shoulders and tell them "Hey Misters, Time out, learn to agree that you disagree, and do something for your OWN people FOR ONCE". Step down from your High Horses and UNITE, if not for your people then for your country IRAQ......

I swear we will never learn. We will stay selfish and arrogant...... I had big hopes, I guess bigger than reality itself. Im not gonna fall in the cynical category but Im gonna put a tick next to the box that says BEWILDERED and another one next to IGNORANT???? This is just me thinking loudly, maybe Louder than Should BE......

Hey maybe its time for them to let a woman speak, wouldnt that solve all the problems???Hmm I just wander..... Again this is just me thinking loudly, Maybe Louder than Should BE......

That was one helluva of a trip,I enjoyed it big time. Went to Amman to meet up with HUBBY(who was coming from Baghdad) then off to Amsterdam for 4 days, took a day trip via the train to Brussels and off to Stockholm for 5 days, then back to Amman for the dreaded farewell. What can I say, Im starting to understand HUBBY more and although I used to moan and complain for him not being around, I finally came to realise how important his work is. Darn I sound boring no???

Before I divulge into the subject of HUBBY, I would like to say Thanx Tilli for your tips about Amsterdam. We would go into the internet cafe there and check out our emails (since HUBBY cant go a day without checking his). And your tips were great. I really loved Amsterdam, infact I enjoyed it more than Stockholm. I think the weather played a big part. Our a**** literally froze in Sweden. I felt like a duck walking with all the layers of clothings and every hour we stop at a cafe to have my dosage of cafe latte to keep me warm while dearest HUBBY would have his dosage of Pepsi with alotta ice,hmmm, opposites do attract no?

Amsterdam was interesting except for the aroma of those "cigarettes" which after a while makes you dizzy. Umm and yes I did try it, and HATED IT. We entered into one of those coffee houses and before I even ask for my caffe late we were presented with a menu. Umm a menu for drugs???Geez,that was a first. HUBBY and I looked at each other and we both had cheeky smiles on our faces. Before we even reach Amsterdam, HUBBY had given me a huge lecture about drugs and how I shouldnt even dream of trying them out bla bla bla and that if I even think of it he will be very upset with me...Hmmm great lecture, but umm, didnt last for long,hehe. So there we were looking at the menues if it was some chinese code we are trying to break.

We didnt wanna seem unknowledgable but at the same time we didnt wanna kill ourselves. So we asked questions and told the waitress we are infact first timers and we just wanna try it out. She explained the many different types and told us that maybe its better if we buy the ready made one. Which we did. I opened the plastic wrap so carefully as if it was something of great value. Lit it up, took a drag while HUBBY is holding my hands. Didnt feel nothing. Infact the taste was yuck. Took a few more drags and I felt sick. HUBBY kept asking if I was ok, and that I shouldnt over do it. It was his turn, he took a few drags all at once and started coughing his head off. I swear we looked like 2 kids trying a cigarette for the first time behind our parents backs. Half an hour later I wanted to sleep, my head felt heavy and I felt nauseous. We went outside and there it was the uncontrollable laughter, Ijust couldnt stop myself. Then I began to cry thinking Shit Icant control myself. Then I laugh again, then I cry. It was AWFUL. Never again will I smoke that s**t. HUBBY was sooooooo worried he was dragging me like a child back to the hotel. God what an experience.

Ofcourse checked out the "Red Light District". Hmm, what can I say? As a woman I probably should have found it vulgar, but I didnt. Infact I wasnt amused nor disgusted, just took it as it is. The only thing I loved were the red neon lights, that was all that I found cute in the whole experience. We took a sightseeing boat trip and I fell in love with one houseboat. As for the food, well, I guess its very touristic. HUBBY was yet again looking for Iraqi food there and his quest for real arabic food was disappointing.

Stockholm on the other hand was fffrrrreeeeezing. The lakes had turned into a skiing area, and the temperature was below zero, one night it actually reached -22 C. My hands and ears would turn numb after a while. HUBBY's moustache turned icy everytime we go out, he really looked funny. We would sit and dream of sandy beaches and warm weather,lol. But I still enjoyed it, enjoyed the snow, and had a few snow fights, just like the movies. It was fun. Most of the museums we wanted to go to were closed, so we ended up walking through the Old town and the shopping streets. The best Swedish food we had was in a restaurant called the Gondolen, were you sit and see a beautiful panorama of Stockholm. Although it was pretty expensive, it was well worth it. The Herring was yummy, and so was the Salmon. The waiters were extremely friendly and very helpful.

Its funny cuz whenever we were asked our nationalities and we would tell them Iraqis, you see a look of curiousity on their faces. Then the normal question "So how is it now? Is it really better after Saddam?". It was only in Brussels where one old man, a waiter, said that he believes Saddam was the only solution to Iraq and that the war was wrong. HUBBY and I both jumped at the statement, saying that its true that the post war was planned in a haste, but never do we see Saddam as a solution. Saddam was a tyrant and killed his own people. Yes the situation aint rosy now, but it never was rosy then either. He mumbled and said but Saddam kept a grip on those insurgents. I asked him and who do you think are the insurgents now???They are but Saddam loyalists and terrorists from neighbouring countries. They are people who dont wantto see a democratic Iraq. I left it at that since we were pretty starving and didnt want our food to have spit on it, eeewwww.

As for the Iraqis we encountered on our trip, they werent that many, but almost all of them believe that Iraq will improve yet they dont see themselves going back. Yes they do miss it, but they have gotten accustomed to their lives and they dont see how they can adapt. Everytime someone says that I nudge HUBBY and mouth to him "You see". But now, I guess I came to realise how much this is important for HUBBY. Yes I mean I always knew it was but my insecurities always used to kick in and I would presume HUBBY wants to stay there cuz he doesnt love me enough. I know I know, a childish way of looking at it, but as you already know I was newly married when he left, and I kinda wanted to live that dream of "married" life. But there are dreams, and there are other dreams.

Right at the start of the trip I started asking HUBBY questions, like the norm, when are we gonna settle, why is he being selfish, bla bla bla. I became upset when he told me that he would like to renew his contract, which was supposed to end this May. I freaked out, and I began to cry. Took it really personally, but then he took hold of my arms and took me where his laptop was. Told me "READ". I read his emails, hewould get 30 emails aday regarding work. I read and read and I came to the conclusion that HUBBY is really making a difference. He then told me that he wants me there with him. Something I never thought he wanted. My parents will probably give me hell, but Im still gonna try and apply for jobs in Iraq. Although I did get disappointed a few times when the requirements is a US citizenship, something I dont have. HUBBY keeps telling me to work on my green card application but I havent done anything about it yet. I guess we will have to wait and see.

Im back to my old routine now. I still am working on this orphanage project in Iraq. My other job has ended just before I left on vacation, and am back to my quest of finding something in Iraq. Maybe it will happen, maybe it wont, no one knows, but surely my countdown now is gonna be that day, the day where HUBBY will say "Here I am, Im all yours now" Another 9 months and that day will hopefully be here...... He promised and I believe him. So 9 months is where our life begins, My Life, His Life, Our Life.....

PS: I just wanna clarify something, unfortunately I aint pregnant YET. Would love to very much, but the time hasnt come, but Mike from Morrocco thanx for your concern. A great article I must admit.

Icy lake-Stockholm