Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape neurotic Iraqi wife: A Dream of Martyrdom.....

neurotic Iraqi wife

May 10, 2005

A Dream of Martyrdom.....

Have I gone mad??? Or am I just being Me??? I woke up with a jolt, am not sure if I dreamt I killed Zarqawi, or was it one of those ideas that lurk behind my brains. Its kinda vague, but I guess I have it all planned out.

Im depressed, Im feeling low, HUBBY is ignoring me, I say to hell with it, Im gonna run away. Run away from home, run away from reality, I have nothing to lose. I wait until everyone is asleep, I tiptoe to the door, I take one last look at the house I grew in, I begin to cry silently and I whisper the words "Goodbye" I leave and never turn back. I take refuge in a mosque. Im frightened yet determined. I sit there in a corner, reading the Quran, hoping that God will forgive my sins and will give me the strength for what Im gonna do.

For two days am in that mosque, then a man approaches me. I tell him I want all my sins to be forgiven, can he help me??? Is there a way which will ensure my soul to paradise??? The man has a long scruffy beard, his dishdash is so short Iguess he must be one of those Wahabis that believe Sunnis and Shia's are non believers, and killing one will secure him a place in Paradise. I wince at that thought, but Im on a mission, and he is probably the right person for me now.

His eyes scavenges me over and over then he says "Do you really want your sins to be erased???Do you want to meet God in Heaven???" Yes I say, who doesnt want to???. I try not to meet his eyes, for Idont want my secret to be revealed. Im shaking inside, yet a voice tells me to go on. He whispers "you've come tothe right person, Im gonna help you". "What faith are you???" I answer, am Muslim. No he says, what's your Math' hab??? I lie and say I dont know. He smiles, revealing dirty black teeth.

"Do you know how your brothers and sisters are suffering in Iraq??? Those American infidels and everyone who assists them are criminals, they are the non believers and God has told us to fight them, wherever they may be. Our brothers in Iraq need our help, and we are obliged to assist them, this is gonna be your passage to heaven, your passage to the almighty.Come with me little one, you are going to Heaven soon"

I shudder, I think of my parents, I think of HUBBY, they must be going crazy with my disappearance,but I have to do this, I GOTTO. I follow the man in the dark dark night, all thoughts pass through me. What if Ill get raped???What if they find out am a Shia??? We keep walking in the darkness, until we reach a small house. The man stops, he knocks ever so slightly, its some kind of a weird knock, for it had a special rythm, Hmm maybe its a code they use amongst themselves. The door cracks open slowly, a young man appears "Al Salamu Alaykum" The old man says. "Wa Alaykum il Salam, wa rahmatu allahu wa baraktoo, please come in our Sheikh" the young guy says. He eyes me up and down, and I thank God that I purchased a face veil the last minute. He can only see my eyes popping at him.

A lady was called, she came and took me to the kitchen."Hungry???" she asked. I shake my head"No thank you, Im just thristy" She then pours me some water and I gulp it all. The Old man comes in, says "You have to eat, for the journey ahead of you is long, and you need all your strength.Eat little one, and in afew hours you will be on your way to paradise" Oh God, I say to myself, I pray to him, the almighty, the power higher than anything, help me do this, give me strength and guide me through.

A few hours later, just before the first light colours the sky, me and the young man, begin our journey. We go into a nissan car, pretty old, and worn out. Bismilah he says, and along we went through the desert. He drove and drove, and in the background, a tape of some man encouraging all muslims to fight the Holly war in Iraq. To do "Jihad" and kill all infidels, this is our duty he says as muslim brothers and sisters. America is the devil, the devil defied God, and its our duty to kill him. You will go to the firdos he says,you will meet your hoorees there, yoou will have wine and it will never run out. 72 hooriyat for each one of you" I sit and think, hmm, men get hooriyat(virgin women) what do we women get??? Virgin men???

The weather is hot, the sun is scorching, I feel the sweat on my forehead, I wanna take this damn veil off, I wanna breathe. But I cant. I need the loo, I look at the young man,and say can we stop somewhere???I need the umm bathroom. I look around its all desert. He stops the car, and points at a bush. There he says, go there, do it quick, do it fast. Can I have some tissues I ask??? He throws the box in my face and says sternly "bring it back" Go now, you are delaying us". When you are desperate you dont even think about whats wrong and whats right, you just do it. I hurry to the bush, I hear sounds, animal sounds my heart beats so fast, but I dontcare, I just pee, and hurry back to the car. I feel dirty, havent showered in so many days. But I dont care Im on a mission, a mission to paradise....

We cross the desert, into Saudi, check points all over. The young man shows ID's, and we are inside. I dont even wander what ID theyve given me. I just sitback in the seat dreaming of Iraq. We stop at a house. Again, its that same rythmical knock. Another young man opens the door. His dishdash is even shorter than that of the old mans. Another Wahabi..... He takes us in, a young woman takes me to the kitchen and the whole scenario repeats itself. But this time we sleep. My eyes wouldnt close, not for a nano second. I twist and turn and I pretend to be in a deep sleep, but infact Im shivering. Lying down on the mattress I can see the stars in the sky through the small window. I imagine the stars watching over me, smiling, I smile back....

At dawn we wake up for the prayers. I stand with my hands on my sides, then I realise with a start that this is a give away for being a shia, I hoped they didnt see that, and I assumed the position of placing both my hands ontop of each other down infront of me. I resumed praying and with tears going down my cheeks. I pray for forgiveness, I pray for strength. I pray for my worried parents, I pray for Iraq....

Then we huddle up again into a different car, this time more young men join us. We are like 5 inthe car with me being the only female. Their voices are loud, they talk about heaven, they talk about their virgins, they talk about becoming "Ameers" in the land of the Euphrates.(Ameer is a prince,you gain the title if you kill 10 Iraqis). I shudder with fear. You assoles I think to myself, you are killing my people, Im gonna kill you all, very soon.

I guess we arrive into Syria, then into Iraq. Fifteen years, fifteen long years have passed since I laid my eyes on Iraq. I inhaled the air so deeply. My God, look at it. Iraq Im here finally, Im here and am gonna rescue you. I think of HUBBY. If only he knows, if only he knows we are breathing the same air, we are looking at the same sky....If only...

We arrive at a house. Dont really know the town. I hear Iraqi together with different Arab dialects. We enter. Im taken to a familiar looking man. I hear the words"She wants to join the mujahideen, she wants to be a martyr, she wants to kill the infidels." The familiar face looks at me, looks through my eyes. Im shaking but I say nothing. He says" are you ready for the mission?" I nod my head. "Do you want togo toheaven???" I nod my head fiercely this time. "Tawakalna ala allah" he says (we depend on God).

Two days of vigourous training, two days of watching videos they have taken of explosions and suicide missions. Then they show me videos of slaughter, this will be your fate if you con us. We will cut your throat like an animal and let you bleed to death. This is what happens to infidels. I nod my head and say "Allah is great, Im gonna be a martyr".

The day has come. I havent slept in many days now. I havent washed myself except for abolution, yet I feel energetic, clean, strong....They take me inside a room and explain my mission. Im going to go in a crowded market, filled with children. Im gonna pretend to buy something and when I feel Im surrounded by many people, Ill detonate myself. They put a belt around me, with every explosive device, and tell me "May God Grant your wish of martyrdom, May we see you in heaven"

Off I go just outside the house with another man waiting for me in the car. I look at him, then I shout wait I forgot to say something to our leader.I walk back slowly, Im stopped by the guards, I say please let me in, I forgot to get blessed by the Leader, they look at me suspiciously but they let me in. As I see his face, I say my "Shahada" (There is no deity except God and Muhammad is the Messenger of God) then I push that button and BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. I am gone, they are all gone, those criminals, those animals, those barbarians, and their emperor, ZARQAWI......

Am not sure if this was something I dreamt while asleep, or something I made up before I slept. But its there, just like that. As for the virgin girls and wine, yes it is written in our Quran, but criminals like Zarqawi and the Wahabi's they brainwash the weak, and use God and the Quran as their tools. They translate words to their own liking and although am not religeously knowledgable, I do know that when God mentions Jihad in our holy Quran, he meant Jihad as the Struggle, the struggle of one's self. Thats what Jihad is.

Islam and the Quran is clear about killing innocent people. It does not encourage killing, on the contrary it encourages peace and kind heartedness. It is the criminals like Bin Laden and his followers that taint Islam. Its Al Dhari and his followers that encourage the killing of innocents. Be sure to know that the Quran and the words of God, DONT....Its the human or infact the inhumane brain that tarnishes Gods words......

This was my dream, A Dream of Martyrdom.....

Googled Articles about Wahhabis:
1- Wahhabism
2- Extremists in a Moderate Land
3- Wahabi Vs Wahabi
4- Who or What is a Wahabi
5- Wahabi
5- Some beliefs

A beautiful tribute on Mother's day from a Soldier's Mom to the Mothers of Iraq. Please be sure to pass it on to all the Iraqi women. My sincere thanx for your beautiful words.....
(Hat tip: Assumption of Command)
posted by neurotic_wife at 2:13 PM


and yet again...I find myself saying wow

your imagery and words are moving and many have done waht you have seen...if only one would see your dream and follow through....that would indeed be a true eliminate evil incarnate

May 10, 2005 at 4:00 PM  

That's quite a dream life you lead! It's fairly common to have "hero fantasies", but you really put a lot of "oomph" in yours, Neurotica.

I'm curious about whether your dream self felt it was doing Allah's will with the bombing of the bombers. Do you remember feeling that, or was it simple personal determination to rid the world of a monster?

May 10, 2005 at 4:30 PM  

Sweet Heart,

You are a dreamer. It's a part of you that is so fresh and special and compelling. We love you for it.

But you must also work very hard to exercise your mental strength. You must not be afraid to look at some things in the cold realistic light of day.

If you are going into a war-zone you have to make yourself more tough mentally.

To do this deliberately will not harden your heart, but protect you.

If we could we would wrap you in a little bubble and keep you safe from harm.

But you must learn to do this for yourself.

Love, Tilli

May 11, 2005 at 12:34 AM  

At least, that's what I think your dream means...

I'm not trying to turn you into an assassin or anything like that!

Love, T

May 11, 2005 at 1:02 AM  

You definitely are a crack-pot and that's why I like your blog so much. Some Muslims and Christians interpret the Quran and the Bible, respectively, to their own advantage and to their own sanctification of their evil ways - too bad for them!


May 11, 2005 at 8:00 AM  

She's not a crack-pot!

If any of us were watching our country go through what hers is, I wonder if we'd be as strong as she's been...even when she feels like she isn't.

Neurotica, you can definitely have that hug now.


And consider the meditation suggestion I made before; I've been sitting daily for about 8 months now and it's changed my life for the better. Perhaps you could find some Sufi Muslims and talk to them.

Either way, hang in there.

May 11, 2005 at 1:26 PM  

Hey, sis, cool dream! The terrorists will be defeated. I'm glad you won't have to get blown up for it to happen though. lol

Take care of yourself, okay? And tell hubby to stay safe.

May 11, 2005 at 4:52 PM  

Have you heard of the Hadith from the Prophet Muhammad that says if you face an evil and can change it, change it with your hand?

It goes on to say that if you cannot change it with your hand, change it with your mouth (words).

If this cannot be done change it in your mind (live in a state of protest).

You have added a useful branch to this advice---change it in your dreams, and then tell others.

Soon, may you have what you want.

May 11, 2005 at 11:43 PM  

j. francis lehman - you are a flake, give it a break. Don't made something out of nothing; and give yourself a hug, I think you need one too.


May 12, 2005 at 6:47 AM  


Ahhh, insults! You must be European, right?!

May 12, 2005 at 8:15 AM  

Very vivid, indeed. Inshallah, it means that the terrorists will be defeated! of course, you better still be around! :)

May 12, 2005 at 7:35 PM  


May 12, 2005 at 11:49 PM  

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