To the moon that calmed my nights
To my dearest beloved Baba
I do apologize for not writing to you in so long, I know, I know that I have promised to write everyday, but everytime I hold that pen and flip that page, I realize that I have so much to tell you, yet the words never come out. Its been a tough six months Baba, very tough. Since you left life has just become so bitter, bitter and dull. All of us became like robots, trying to go on with our daily lives, but in reality a huge chunk of our hearts died with you.
Im not sure where to start Baba. What do I tell you about my life?Your grandsons were born on the 1st of Oct, just six weeks after you were gone. Aaaaakh if only you waited. If only god gave you a few more weeks, but what can I say. For I have been very angry with God, so angry that at times I just felt faithless. He took away the one person in this world that truly loved me, the one person in this world that truly cared for me, so why should I love him back? Why should I be that faithful slave, WHY? But then again Im far too weak to stay faithless, for God did bless me with you and my 2 beautiful boys.
You cant believe Baba how one of them is such a photocopy of you. He has your sparkling blue eyes (the only grandchild who managed it), he has your fair skin. He even has that smile of yours, and you know what, we actually named him after you. Yes I know, I had another name for him, but once you passed, I did not hesitate one bit that one of my boys will have your name. And he was the lucky one. Oh Baba, if only you can see them. There are times where I imagine you sitting with me in the room while I play with them, and you'd be talking to them, scaring them with your deep voice like you used to with the other grandkids. Id start laughing so much until my tears become that of sadness. Oh how I wish you were here.
You will be proud of me Baba, very proud. I have endured situations where I would never have thought I can. But I did. Everytime I want to give up, I feel that light pat on my shoulder, the one that tells me, all will be ok, just be patient. And aaaaah what patience do I really have. Im sure if it was someone else in my place, they would have definitely given up a long long time ago. Two weeks after I delivered, Mama discovered she was very ill and had to leave for treatment. Once my siblings and I found out the news, we just went numb. How could this happen?First you, and now Mama. Now you see why I was faithless for awhile. Can you blame me Baba?
The slight happiness that my boys brought to our lives was again gone. But Il hamdilla, things are ok now, as you already know. For you came in my dream to welcome Mama back home. I loved seeing you and felt your extreme relief for her return to her own place. I wonder, do my kids see you when they sleep? Is it you that make them giggle uncontrollably and once you wave goodbye they start crying inconsolably?Im sure its you, It must be you.
People kept soothing me, time is the best healer they said. Funny enough, as the days pass, the yearning for you becomes even more and more. And who told those people I want to be healed?I never want to be healed from your pain.How dare they even suggest a thing like that. I dont want time to pass by, no I dont. I convinced myself that you are on a very long business trip and that you will be coming back any time. Any time now, you will open that door and come and say hi to me and the kids. You will love them for sure. For they are such smart cookies Baba. But oh what a handful. Im exhausted, Im exhausted and drained both physically and mentally.
One of the boys (surprisingly the one named after you) has so many problems. One of them is reflux, and a few times he actually choked to the point he turned blue and stopped breathing. Baba, I thought I was gonna lose him, lose him for good. You cant imagine the fear I was living in, and still live in for that guy. I just wish that this is just a short phase he is going through.
I have so much more to tell you, but I think I will keep it for another day. And Baba, before I leave you in peace, I want to let you know, that I truly love you and miss you and want you back. I want you back so badly, you were my backbone, you were the only person in this whole universe that I could rely on and you were the only person in this whole universe that understood me. Im sorry, very sorry for all the pain I have caused you, and all the heartache that my immature self had bestowed on you many many years back...Baba you are my angel. My Guardian Angel...