neurotic Iraqi wife
February 25, 2010
My Guardian Angel....
To the sun that brightened my days
To the moon that calmed my nights
To my dearest beloved Baba
I do apologize for not writing to you in so long, I know, I know that I have promised to write everyday, but everytime I hold that pen and flip that page, I realize that I have so much to tell you, yet the words never come out. Its been a tough six months Baba, very tough. Since you left life has just become so bitter, bitter and dull. All of us became like robots, trying to go on with our daily lives, but in reality a huge chunk of our hearts died with you.
Im not sure where to start Baba. What do I tell you about my life?Your grandsons were born on the 1st of Oct, just six weeks after you were gone. Aaaaakh if only you waited. If only god gave you a few more weeks, but what can I say. For I have been very angry with God, so angry that at times I just felt faithless. He took away the one person in this world that truly loved me, the one person in this world that truly cared for me, so why should I love him back? Why should I be that faithful slave, WHY? But then again Im far too weak to stay faithless, for God did bless me with you and my 2 beautiful boys.
You cant believe Baba how one of them is such a photocopy of you. He has your sparkling blue eyes (the only grandchild who managed it), he has your fair skin. He even has that smile of yours, and you know what, we actually named him after you. Yes I know, I had another name for him, but once you passed, I did not hesitate one bit that one of my boys will have your name. And he was the lucky one. Oh Baba, if only you can see them. There are times where I imagine you sitting with me in the room while I play with them, and you'd be talking to them, scaring them with your deep voice like you used to with the other grandkids. Id start laughing so much until my tears become that of sadness. Oh how I wish you were here.
You will be proud of me Baba, very proud. I have endured situations where I would never have thought I can. But I did. Everytime I want to give up, I feel that light pat on my shoulder, the one that tells me, all will be ok, just be patient. And aaaaah what patience do I really have. Im sure if it was someone else in my place, they would have definitely given up a long long time ago. Two weeks after I delivered, Mama discovered she was very ill and had to leave for treatment. Once my siblings and I found out the news, we just went numb. How could this happen?First you, and now Mama. Now you see why I was faithless for awhile. Can you blame me Baba?
The slight happiness that my boys brought to our lives was again gone. But Il hamdilla, things are ok now, as you already know. For you came in my dream to welcome Mama back home. I loved seeing you and felt your extreme relief for her return to her own place. I wonder, do my kids see you when they sleep? Is it you that make them giggle uncontrollably and once you wave goodbye they start crying inconsolably?Im sure its you, It must be you.
People kept soothing me, time is the best healer they said. Funny enough, as the days pass, the yearning for you becomes even more and more. And who told those people I want to be healed?I never want to be healed from your pain.How dare they even suggest a thing like that. I dont want time to pass by, no I dont. I convinced myself that you are on a very long business trip and that you will be coming back any time. Any time now, you will open that door and come and say hi to me and the kids. You will love them for sure. For they are such smart cookies Baba. But oh what a handful. Im exhausted, Im exhausted and drained both physically and mentally.
One of the boys (surprisingly the one named after you) has so many problems. One of them is reflux, and a few times he actually choked to the point he turned blue and stopped breathing. Baba, I thought I was gonna lose him, lose him for good. You cant imagine the fear I was living in, and still live in for that guy. I just wish that this is just a short phase he is going through.
I have so much more to tell you, but I think I will keep it for another day. And Baba, before I leave you in peace, I want to let you know, that I truly love you and miss you and want you back. I want you back so badly, you were my backbone, you were the only person in this whole universe that I could rely on and you were the only person in this whole universe that understood me. Im sorry, very sorry for all the pain I have caused you, and all the heartache that my immature self had bestowed on you many many years back...Baba you are my angel. My Guardian Angel...
73 Comments:
I'm sorry to hear how much you've been struggling, Neurotica. I'm glad you posted to update us though, especially about your babies! :)
Beautiful.
Thanks PC.It has been a long time since I have written, but as my post indicated, I still cant seem to find the right words for anything. Mentally Im not even functioning properly, but I will try I will try to write more often for my beautiful dad...Before, I used to write to get my word out, now I want to write so I can relieve my soul from some of the burden that its carrying...
Honeybell, thanks...
Don't worry, right now your dad is the proudest grampa in heaven.
Dear NIW,
Your post made me cry. I will keep you in my prayers!
NIW,
I am so moved to tears with this post. Perhaps this would be a good thing, to write to your beloved father in your posts like you did here?
Your boys are absolutely precious and beautiful! Congratulations! I am sure you are completely exhausted. One at a time was tiring for me, but I can't imagine two at a time! You're amazing :)
Always,
Melanie
Congratulations on your beautiful boys! I am so glad you posted. Have been so worried about you. Hang in there. It's going to be OK...
Thanks for updating us on how you are doing. I've been a lurker for about 2 yrs already. You're posts are always so wonderful. This one made me cry. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, and at the same time congratulations to new life. I pray you feel better soon. I'm sure your father would be sad to see you like this. Your new beautiful babies should be a reminder that life does go on, no matter how hard it is. They need you to be strong for them.
Lot's of Dua to you :-)
please don't lose your faith in Allah because Allah is always guarding us and every thing in this world is faithful for Allah. pray for your dad to be in heaven instead of being mean with your self and don't forget that Allah never forget anyone and every thing is قسمة ونصيب
I love you and so glad you are posting again.. What a wonderful surprise for me today.
Hiya tib, thanks for your kind words. I really hope he is.
BP, thank you. Please pray for my baba, he was such a wonderful man, the kindest I have ever known.
Melanie!!!How are you???Its been long. Yes its been exhausting, extremely exhausting. My sanity is hanging by a very fine thread. I hope it gets easier. The boys are growing and are a joy, but I still have so much pain from my dad's loss, and I know it will never go...
take3, thank you. Yes pls I need all the duaa I can get, especially for my family
SW, eee kul shee qisma oo naseeb you are right. And god has his own big plans, he took my dad away, and gave me two beautiful boys. At first I thought it wasnt fair, it wasnt fair for them to miss on such an amazing person, but you know what?I see him through their eyes. I feel his presence...Maybe god is trying to telling me something, that dad's spirit is here, here with me...
Panic away, thank you. I need all the support I can get. Im actually shocked that there are people who still read me...So its a nice surprise for me too :)
NIW, I lost my mother in my mid thirties and I still yearn for her presence, advice, and guidance. I have never gotten over it but I know for sure she would not have wanted me miserable the rest of my life on her account.
I'm so sad she didn't get to see her granddaughter grow up and become the amazing person she is today.
So, I've cried the million tears, just like you. But I knew all too well that I would laugh as well in the years to come. And so, one day, will you, and your father in his place in heaven will laugh right along with you. May you and your new additions to your family have a million blessings.
Sincerely, a looong time reader of your blog.
PS: Please keep us up to date when you can. We understand. You will have many busy days!
Thank you anon. Im so sorry for your loss. It pains me to know anyone who lost a loved one, for now I know how it feels.Like I try to convince myself, your mother is on a long journey, or maybe we are the ones on a long journey that will come to an end and we will finally get to meet our loved ones again...
My dad was the person that encouraged me to read, read and write, ever since I was a child. During my summers in London he used to take me every saturday to a bookshop called Foyles. It used to be our special time together, and it continued until my twenties. So I decided that whenever my boys go to sleep, I will try and write letters to my father. Sometimes the letter takes a week to complete. Thats how busy the boys keep me. But I want to write, I want to write to let him know of my life. I may bore many people with my stories, but I doubt I can ever bore my dad :)
IT IS THE TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS OF THE HUMAN RACE & BEINGS ON THIS EARTH THAT PUTS US TO THE TEST & THE LOVES LOST SHAPING OUR EXPS.& FORMING OUR UNDERSTANDING AT THE DEPTH OF LOSS & COMING THROUGH IT TO FIND A MEANING IN LIFE & THE GRACE OF GOD ALMIGHTY.YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL BOYS WHO MAY PARTICIPATE IN REALISING BUILDING THE FUTURE OF YOUR OLD IRAQ YOUR FATHER;S PRE 50s IRAQ THE TRANSJORDANIAN IRAQI ROYAL HASHIMITE KINGDOME.SHALL ATTEMPT POSTING SOME OF MY VIEWS ON IRAQ THE ANGLO-ARABIAN PENNINSULA SIR T.E.LAWRENCE;S BOOK"THE7PILLARS OF WISDOM" BRITISH COMMONWEALTH CLOSE CULTURAL COOPERATION EXCHANGE OF EDUCATIONAL SPORTS & BUSINESS INTERACTION MY BLOG"BRITANNIA" STILL HERE IN THE ARABIAN GULF TILL AUTUMN CHEERS OLAFF:)
NIW,
I am sorry to hear of your struggle, I too am very close to my father and can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I was so happy to see that you have posted again though and your babies are absolutely beautiful.
Baba is baby,nice pic and writing post..
have a nice day,
wusthof-culinar-set
I still visit hoping to see a new post. I hope you and your babies are well. Wishing you the best.
I often visited your site this before also and I always enjoyed reading all your share as it's always refreshing and there is always something new to know here. Great job dude..
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