neurotic Iraqi wife
September 12, 2009
A Heavenly Peace...
Yes its been long. Very long. But tragedy has hit home. When I was in my twenties, I had vowed to never go to a funeral or a gathering of women mourning. NEVER. My heart couldnt take it after witnessing my fifty year old cousin pass away. Yet 3 weeks ago I see myself in the middle of it all. Three weeks ago, I was the one wailing. The one pulling my hair. Three weeks ago, I was the one falling to the ground begging people to bring my father back. Back to me. On the 21st of Aug my father passed. Passed to the other world.
As I write these words, my heart wrenches for him. My heart aches for him. Aches for his touch, for his beautiful luminous smile. Aches for his soothing words. My heart aches for his eyes, his deep blue sea eyes. The love of my life is gone. GONE. Yet my mind still doesnt want to believe it. I honestly dont believe that I will never see him again. I dont believe that his index finger will never circle my swelling belly again. I dont believe that he will never hug me, will never squish me between his arms. I dont believe that he wont meet my babies. The babies that he was so eager to meet, to hold, to touch, to play with. My dad left us but I know he fought really hard to stay for us.
Till this day we dont know what exactly happened. He was diagnosed with advanced cancer back in late June. And in less than 2 months he was gone. Some doctors said he was doing very well, others said he only had a few weeks. A FEW WEEKS starting from end of Aug. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FEW WEEKS!!!WHERE??? We know something went wrong somewhere. We know it in our hearts. They did a mistake, and my dad was the victim. I have so much anger inside, so much hatred towards these ignorant doctors. But whats the point. It will never bring my father back. It will never heal our bleeding hearts. NEVER.
Yes I vowed a long time ago, yet here I am, in the middle of all of this, wailing, begging strangers to bring my dad back. We visited him a few times, and every time I go, I cant believe how can such a strong man end up under the ground, under the ground with the scorching sun above him, and the ants crawling all over. HOW?How and Why?It was his birthday on the 9th. We took a cake, sang for him Happy Birthday, but as I started to say the words Happy, my voice cracked and my tears kept flowing over the dirt. I couldnt continue. I just couldnt. I so wanted my dad to be the one singing with us, I so wanted him to blow his own candles.
At night I stay awake thinking, if only he waited. If only he waited a few more weeks. If only he waited to see my babies. My babies that are due soon. If Only...Who is gonna pamper them now? Who is gonna tease them? Oh how much I miss my dad. How much I crave for his tenderness. For his vision. His vision of a better Iraq. A unified Iraq. As we were going through his papers, we found so many charities he was giving to, so many donations he had made, yet he never ever uttered a word. So many families he helped, so many children he fed and paid for their education. How can we live upto such a man. How can we be like him? But I know that its our duty to continue his legacy. Its our responsibility to continue in his footsteps.
Dad, you are always here, here with us. Here in our hearts, our hearts and minds. I know you will be there smiling over me, smiling over me, when Im having your grandsons. I know you will bless them with your kindness. Yes dad, I will be waiting for you. Waiting for your scent to pass by me, by us just like it did the other day. I know you are here. And I know you are in heaven. Rest in Peace...A Heavenly Peace...
As I write these words, my heart wrenches for him. My heart aches for him. Aches for his touch, for his beautiful luminous smile. Aches for his soothing words. My heart aches for his eyes, his deep blue sea eyes. The love of my life is gone. GONE. Yet my mind still doesnt want to believe it. I honestly dont believe that I will never see him again. I dont believe that his index finger will never circle my swelling belly again. I dont believe that he will never hug me, will never squish me between his arms. I dont believe that he wont meet my babies. The babies that he was so eager to meet, to hold, to touch, to play with. My dad left us but I know he fought really hard to stay for us.
Till this day we dont know what exactly happened. He was diagnosed with advanced cancer back in late June. And in less than 2 months he was gone. Some doctors said he was doing very well, others said he only had a few weeks. A FEW WEEKS starting from end of Aug. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FEW WEEKS!!!WHERE??? We know something went wrong somewhere. We know it in our hearts. They did a mistake, and my dad was the victim. I have so much anger inside, so much hatred towards these ignorant doctors. But whats the point. It will never bring my father back. It will never heal our bleeding hearts. NEVER.
Yes I vowed a long time ago, yet here I am, in the middle of all of this, wailing, begging strangers to bring my dad back. We visited him a few times, and every time I go, I cant believe how can such a strong man end up under the ground, under the ground with the scorching sun above him, and the ants crawling all over. HOW?How and Why?It was his birthday on the 9th. We took a cake, sang for him Happy Birthday, but as I started to say the words Happy, my voice cracked and my tears kept flowing over the dirt. I couldnt continue. I just couldnt. I so wanted my dad to be the one singing with us, I so wanted him to blow his own candles.
At night I stay awake thinking, if only he waited. If only he waited a few more weeks. If only he waited to see my babies. My babies that are due soon. If Only...Who is gonna pamper them now? Who is gonna tease them? Oh how much I miss my dad. How much I crave for his tenderness. For his vision. His vision of a better Iraq. A unified Iraq. As we were going through his papers, we found so many charities he was giving to, so many donations he had made, yet he never ever uttered a word. So many families he helped, so many children he fed and paid for their education. How can we live upto such a man. How can we be like him? But I know that its our duty to continue his legacy. Its our responsibility to continue in his footsteps.
Dad, you are always here, here with us. Here in our hearts, our hearts and minds. I know you will be there smiling over me, smiling over me, when Im having your grandsons. I know you will bless them with your kindness. Yes dad, I will be waiting for you. Waiting for your scent to pass by me, by us just like it did the other day. I know you are here. And I know you are in heaven. Rest in Peace...A Heavenly Peace...
63 Comments:
I am soooo sorry about your dad. My grandpa was really sick in June, and I booked a ticket to go see him one last time, but he died two days before I flew. That was hard. I also asked, "Why couldn't he have waited?" but I'm glad he doesn't have anymore pain, and I'm looking forward to seeing him again after this life, though that seems like such a long time . . .
Sometimes in my prayers I ask God to say hi to my grandpa from me. I'm positive he gets those messages.
Dear Nerotic Iraqi Wife,
I would like to express my sincere condolences and my deepest sympathies to yourself and your family on the recent passing of your father.
May Allah accept him in His Mercy and let him in Heaven.
وجعلها الله خاتمة الاحزان والهمكم الصبر والسلوان وانا لله وانا اليه راجعون
It makes me cry, yes, cry for these minutes, and maybe for the rest of the day.
We all will die, sooner or later, and that moment we'll be able to realize the truth, just like how we may think of it today, and fear it, fear the following..
Madam!!
I hope you feel better now, i love my dad, love him to death, as much as i am ready ot lose everything, EVERYTHING for him. i can feel of your feelings madam, can, at least can feel and imagine. its so hard, so HARD!.
But i trust your ability to damage the pain. its important, as you have already said, your dad is alive, alive with his deeds, kindness and peace.. surely , he's enjoying the lasting peace these days, and will do forever..
Stay safe..
My condolences. Cancer took my father the same way, in a matter of months.
Yes, your father will always be there in your heart. So sorry for your loss.
My Dear NIW,
Your post made me cry and I am so sorry to hear such news. May God rest his soul in peace.
And yes your dad's soul will be there when your babies will come to this world.
My mom died by cancer as well when I was 17. It is very hard to lose our parents but God has given us patience to go on.
God bless you and your family.
Marsho
When Bloglines notified me that there was a new post on your blog, I was eagerly awaiting some good news about your babies...But I am so sorry to hear about your loss.
Allah yirhamou ya rabb... I know it's hard (I lost a parent a long time ago and this is not something you ever recover from), but you need to believe that he is a better place now, a place with no pain...And you need to take care of yourself and your babies.
My thoughts are with you
My dad passed away from cancer several months ago. It was very sudden. One day he was healthy, 53, making knafeh, and a month later he was gone.
It is the first time since he passed away that I dare talk about it, not even to myself. But your post is making my heart ache and my tears fall, for both my father and yours.
It is very hard to believe and to understand how evil this world is. How its best people are always the ones first gone.
I won't give you my condolences, I know that words mean nothing and have no power.
But stay strong, for your babies, which I'm sure would make 3amo proud.
May all the good people rest in peace.
NIW, I am really sorry for ur lost, I used to read ur blog since 3 years ago but I never left a comment, but I just wanna tell u, that u helped me going through alot of bad situations through ur writings, u made me a stronger person, so I wish u could be strong for ur coming children and for ur family, u will never forget ur dad and u will always have the pain of his lost inside u, but u can't change what happened, in return he will always look for u from up there. so u can keep his legacy and u can make ur children loving him by telling them about him and making them follow his steps. I wish u the best and wish this will be the end of all the sad things in ur life. Gor rest his soul.
Iraqi girl88
I'm so very sorry for your loss. You are going to have a hard way to go for a while. I hope those babies will help you get through the hard times.
NIW,
Tears fell as I read your blog. My prayers are with you and your family as you mourn the loss of your father. In faith, be assured that you will see him again in perfect glory.
Dear NIW,
I'm very sorry for your loss...انا لله وانا اليه راجعون
I had the same experience as Dubai Sunshine.. but I really hope to read some good news soon, about the babies :)
Roba, i'm very sorry for your loss too. That's just way too sudden. However you're a stronger person now and both your fathers are in a better place!
Al baqa2 li Allah
Wow.....a lot has been happening in your life. I pray you have the strength to keep a good attitude and find joy in the birth of those twins! - Dennis
So sorry to hear the news my dear. Allah yir7ama weghamid roo7a il janna. 3adham allah ajerkom....Please try to stay strong for your babies, your Mother and the rest of the family and try to rest assured that he has passed on to a better place.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
M.A.
It's very sad to hear about your father, like many others he was a true Iraqi- something you don't see many of nowadays and now that angel has gone to Heaven Inshallah. Inna lil Allah wa ina Illlahi Rajaoon.
Like many others said, your children will get to know your father by the amazing legacy he left behind Mashallah.
My prayers are with you sweet one. Your father will always be with you. Stay strong and know that the memories will never fade.
Oh my dear sweet friend. I wish I could give you a huge hug. We lost my husband's father in January. Trust me, you will see him again in the eyes of your children and your children's children. They will have a way of reminding you of little things your father used to do, like a certain smile, look or laugh. It will hurt, but you will find yourself smiling through your tears. I promise.
Always,
Melanie
...
ah, Neurotic this is such sad news.
With love and prayers, NIW.
Tenderly...
may time ease your sorrow,
Gently...
may God ease your pain,
Softly...
may peace replace heartache,
and the loving memories remain.
In deepest sympathy,
Bamboo
Dear NIW, it was a shock to read the blog. at first i felt happy to see that you are blogging again, but when i read it the feeling totally changed.
Please accept my deepest sympathies, and i hope that god may give you the strength to pass these difficult times.
NIW,
I'm sorry you had to come back on such a bad note! I am sure your father is in a better place! I am so sorry! I'll keep you in my prayers!
NIW
My heart hurts for you. It took my quite a while to comment after reading your blog, searching for the words to take your pain away.
I lost both my Mother and Father when I was nineteen years of age. Someone asked me once if the pain ever really goes away and I had to be honest and tell them that it hurts the same as if it was yesterday. Although, it has been now over twenty years.
However, I have learned to move on with my life and no longer think about that pain everyday. I've also learned that my parents have never really left me. I see them in my childrens' eyes, in the manerisms and I look down at my long fingers as I type and see my mother's hands.
Their bodies are gone, but the spirit and all the love they gave to me has been enough to carry me through the worst of times.
Your Father is with you now and you will see him in your babies eyes. Take Care of Yourself and those babies.
Many prayers and love sent your way.
NAW
I'm very sorry to hear about your father. May he rest in peace.
Blessed are those who leave wonderful memories in the hearts of their loved ones when they pass on. How wonderful that you were able to spend time with your father on Earth, and how special to have all the memories you made together!
Please do take plenty of time to recover from your grief. How ever long it takes. I lost my mother at 21 and did not allow myself the time to mourn properly, I really regret that now.
All my best to you NIW. May peace be upon you.
NIW
I have this sudden urge to Congratulate you. They are here. I can feel them. Crazy lady I am you know.
He came home. After 369 days of ignoring my emails and love letters and telling that I deserve so much more, he shows up at my work.........in full uniform, with flowers.... What a dream come true....What a heavenly Day.
When the dust and dirt blow away, love remains. There is no one or anything that can take that from us.
God Bless you and your babies.
NAW. (Thank you for carrying me through some of the toughest times in my life with your blog, with your thoughts and your spirit.)
Your baby boys have one hec of a Mama!!!
Love
NAW
So sorry for your loss NIW. Best wishes for you and your babies. they will help carry you through this difficult time...
I'm sorry for your loss, NIW. My mom fought cancer for several years and seamed to have it beat, then she didn't all of a sudden.
But, congratulations & best wishes for your gains!
Your blog is added to list of
IRAQI BLOG INDEX
http://iraqiblogindex.blogspot.com
iraqiblogindex@gmail.com
Allah Yer7amah. yet life goes on.
انا لله وانا اليه راجعون
I am so sorry. I am sure he is in a much better place free of his pains.
take care of yourself and your baby
Dear NIW,
How are you and how have you been? Have you given birth yet?
I hope you are doing well...
HI young lady, where have u been?, u got us worried about u, at least post a comment and tell us how u r doing ok dear NIW.
Dear NIW,
I know I've been a silent reader and when I read the post I cried and I couldn't utter a word or write a comment that might comfort you. But today I remembered you and the two little ones inside, are the three of you alright?
So sad to hear about this. May God give you the strength to pass through these difficult times..
NIW,
At the risk of sounding selfish, I miss you.
Always,
Melanie
i have been a silent reader for years, and i came to check in on you.
i pray your family has healing after this tragedy. God bless you all.
Hope all is well with you, and I can't wait to hear all about the babies.
I do wish you'd blog more often....
Great blog as for me. I'd like to read a bit more concerning this theme. Thanx for giving that material.
Joan Stepsen
Tech gadget
very..overwhelming, Please have a family!
Dear Neurotic Iraqi Wife,
I am sorry to hear about your father.. I have started to read your blog from the very beginning. I just cannot believe how much you and I have in common. I am a "neurotic wife" to an American Soldier. He joined the Army before "911" and never expected to go to war.
I am taking a class on Modern Middle East History and my teacher has assigned a "research paper" on blogs. I stumbled upon yours and fell in love. I have noticed you have not written since your fathers death. I hope everything is okay with you and your babies. I am hoping that you have become soo busy with your beautiful children that you have not found time to write.
I will be using your blog for my reserach paper i would like to send it to you if you would like.
Adriana De Lap
Hi,
Nice post! Your content is very valuable to me and just make it as my reference. Keep blogging with new post! Unique and useful to follower....
Cheers,
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I miss your posts. NAW
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Keep the faith, my Internet friend. You are a first-class writer and deserve to be heard.
Keep the faith, my Internet friend. You are a first-class writer and deserve to be heard.
Keep the faith, my Internet friend. You are a first-class writer and deserve to be heard.
Keep the faith, my Internet friend. You are a first-class writer and deserve to be heard.
Keep the faith, my Internet friend. You are a first-class writer and deserve to be heard.
Keep the faith, my Internet friend. You are a first-class writer and deserve to be heard.
Keep the faith, my Internet friend. You are a first-class writer and deserve to be heard.
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