neurotic Iraqi wife

Cease Fire....The words...The words the whole world was waiting for...After what??? After todays massacre in Qana??? After the corpses of children being taken out from the rubble??? Israel are bombing places that Hizbollah militias are in.....Aha...yup....so true....these kids, 4 yr olds, 6 yr olds....they are all hizbollah militias....they carried weapons...yessss Israel....You are so right!!! so right in your evaluations!!!.....

You say we want to extinguish all terrorists....do people do that by bombing shelters??? bombing shelters filled with handicapped children and women??? CHILDREN FOR GODS SAKE...CHILDRENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! can you hear my screams????? You think by doing that you will elliminate terrorism??? What you are doing triggers more hatred...more violence...more deaths...

People are now gonna be more violent...will you blame them???will you blame a mother who has lost her children....lost those she carried in her womb if she becomes a suicide bomber to take her revenge???Will you???Will you blame the 6 yr old kid who didnt know the meaning of hatred until today....until he saw in his own eyes all his family members disintegrate under the rubble??? Will you blame him if he joins the militias to take revenge for his siblings that were lost....lost forever????

Terrorists are those that target innocent civilians!!!Terrorists are bin ladens/saddamists/zarqawis/militias...and now ISRAEL!!!Terrorists are not CHILDRENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN....This is so cowardly....Such a weak act...you wanna elliminate Hizbollah, then go after them and not after the innocent!!!

I am so distraught....Theres a demonstration here...but whats the point...who is gonna hear us??? After almost 3 weeks of bloodshed...Rice just now said Cease fire....She uttered these words...after what??? After what...tell me.....after these kids losing their lives in this murderous act???? After what???...tell me.... The Israeli representative at the UN summit said today "Sorry"... SORRY????? OMG....theres an arabic expression which goes like this "He kills his victim and walks in his funeral"

Well Ms Rice...Let ME tell you something...these kids died with their index fingers pointing to their god, saying their last submission (Shahada)...These kids that you killed...Yes you and every single person that kept quiet...kept quiet and just watched the massacre....Merciless people...I have no more words...For words dont mean a thing no more...Words lost their meaning...lost their lustre...I look up in the sky and I see the crescent...The crescent that usually lights up the dark skies....but today....today even the crescent has lost its lustre...

Well done Israel...Well Done Arabs...Well Done US....Well Done the WORLD....Its time for a Standing Ovation....Come on everyone lets all stand up and clap...Clap for the courageous people that spoke out now and said "Cease Fire"...Bravo...Bravo...Bravo...The world has become such a safe place now that these kids have been martyred....So Safe...Wowwww....I can barely recognize it....Bravo...Im impressed....This is exactly what democracy means...Lets teach our children the new meaning of democracy....

Child: Mom, what does democracy mean???
Mother: Well Child, democracy is when you try to protect your self by killing children and women...This is the new found Democracy...

Im tired, Im angry and frustrated...Been watching the news the whole day...Watching the images of these kids being pulled out of the rubble...gruesome footage...I cant take it anymore...Maybe I should go back to my unphased state...Cuz this is driving me insane...I switch channels, all I see are bodies...Dead bodies...Dead bodies everywhere...be it Iraq...Be it Lebanon...Be it Palestine...Its like watching a horror movie...But this aint a movie...This is real...This is the reality of the world we live in...The Doomed World.....

Pause....Play....Fastforward...Rewind...Oh wait…Pause again...hmm…Play...How easy things will be if life was controlled with a click of a button on a remote control....Just like the movie Click...

Things at home got really bad…And when I say bad I mean really really bad....HUBBY and I reached a point of no return...In a moment of anger and frustration we both decided it was best for us to go separate ways...As I sat there in silence, my life with HUBBY flashed infront of me....a movie strip...a movie strip of memories... I remembered the first day in our room in Baghdad...We heard a mortar and he jumped over me to protect me...I remembered another day, when I was smoking outside infront of our office building, 3 loud explosions took place across the river, he ran so fast and pushed me inside the bunker and hugged me... PAUSE...

Another day, another memory....I was crying cuz I was exhausted from working so late... An ex boss who couldnt make his mind up on what to write in a certain report drove me up the wall... I got so angry and from frustration I started crying..crying so hard....HUBBY came over....sat next to me...calmed me down...smiled at me and said "Hey, look theres nothing worth these tears, I will help you"...and he did.... PAUSE...

Many memories....many moments...As I sat there remembering, I began to cry...I went to the room, sat in the corner and questioned God...Why??? Why God???Why???Im not a bad person...I never harmed anyone...Why??? I even said "I know youre busy listening to the cries of those in war...I know you dont have time for me, but Why God???Why???All I wanted was to live a normal happy life...Thats all...I never asked for anything more...Never wanted more...WHY GOD???

Angry and disappointed, I cried until my body started aching...I was screaming at God...Screaming at him so hard but in silence....I got up, went back to the living room and sat there...HUBBY just seemed oblivious...After a few minutes, I said "help me, this is too painful...please help me".... He gestured with his hands and said "come here, come here next to me" ...PAUSE...

We talked, talked about everything...talked about what we both wanted...talked about his bad mood...talked and talked and talked...We realised that we both wanted this to work...That we werent ready to give up...Not so easily...He explained his attitude towards the blog, and so we made a pact...He will stop reading, and I should be more lenient...hmm...Yes I admit, I was harsh, but thats only because I didnt know why he was behaving the way he was....I needed to vent...So HUBBY is back to his normal self, and even better...Its funny how I thought he never thought of me when he would go and get some food for himself...He would just sit there and eat...When infact, his pride never allowed him to tell me, that in that extra bag is some for me too...

Marriage is a learning process...nothing is easy...especially when this is the first time we are together....together in normal circumstances...I think we needed to reach the end, before we start living the beginning...

As for my sister, she has been back from Lebanon...She told me, that almost all her Lebanese friends in the North, blame Hezbollah for all this... They dont want him...They blame him for the deaths and destruction...She described to me the Syrian border and how thousands of families were trying to flee...Some who were Palestinians living in Lebanon, were refused entry because of lack of papers...etc...But she said all in all, Syrian officers were really helpful, giving out water and trying their best to assist people... But ofcourse nothing comes free...She told me how she saw a couple of people sliding some money into officer's hands etc...

The situation everywhere is dire...In Lebanon, hundreds of people died...As Im sitting writing this, theres a program on TV....a telecon program organised by the Emirates for donations from all over the world to help lebanon (incase anyone wants to help, the number is 009714 3670011)...So far it has reached 30M dirhams...The program is also showing some of those injured...Their stories...Children whose parents were lost in the bombings...A girl not older than 8...her eyes are covered...her face filled with shrapnel...crying...crying for her mom...Click...rewind...Pause...

Another scene, its Beirut, men carrying a coffin...a coffin of a guy...a guy who was supposed to get married...Yet his life was cut short....cut short so soon...such is life...Click...rewind...Pause...

A woman in hospital...her child died....her knees couldnt carry her...she falls....couldnt take the news...Cant believe the news...Click...rewind...Pause...

The world is just watching as these children die...The world is just watching...DELETE...DELETE...DELETE....

And lets not forget my beloved country...my beloved country Iraq...Iraq that is still bleeding...Iraq that was bleeding during Saddam's time, and is bleeding more even now...I wish I can control all this...Pause...rewind...DELETE...

Imagine...Imagine a hollow soul....a hollow soul walking aimlessly in the streets...A hollow soul that lost its sight and its head is hanging loosely to its side...It walks and walks amongst the rubble...keeps tripping and falling...Yet with every fall, it gets up, gets up stronger... stronger than before...determined...determined to find the way... The way that leads to its spirit...The spirit that has been far gone...The spirit that with time just waned away...waned and disappeared...disappeared into the darkness...disappeared without any warning...disappeared and left behind a hollow soul...A hollow soul finding its way through the darkness...

Imagine...A spirit...A lively spirit...A lively spirit that loved life....loved life and embraced it...embraced it so hard it wouldnt let go...One day that spirit decided to take a ride...a ride on a rollercoaster...for the spirit always loved the adrelanin rush...Always seeked fun ...This rollercoaster in paricular was pretty long...Long and you can never see its end...The ups were high...the downs were, well downs...But the spirit with its eagerness to embrace life and enjoy it, forgot to read the fine print before queuing up...The fine print said "Beware, the downs are far more longer and more dangerous than the ups...Be prepared...this ride is only for the strong willed"...

At first the spirit was excited...didnt mind the downs...piece of cake...as the ride went deeper...the downs became steeper...steeper and more difficult...steeper and treacherous...Hours and hours passed...The spirit began to lose its grip...Began to lose the excitement...The adrelanin rush became more of a nausious sensation...The smile...the spirit's smile began to slowly diminish...The spirit prayed for the rollercoaster to come to an end...But again with the spirits eagerness to embrace life and enjoy it forgot to read the fine print before queuing up....The fine print said "Beware...this rollercoaster has no end"...

Darkness fell...the rollercoaster went on and on...The spirits smile disappeared...It fought itself and kept holding on to the rails...Slowly.....the grip.... was gone .....Gone forever...For the spirit is only human...Human with no superpowers...Human...the spirit for a selfish moment of joy lost its self...Lost its self for good...Lost it amid the chaos...the chaos of the rollercoaster...The rollercaoster of life... But the Soul...The hollow soul is determined...determined to find its spirit...For the spirit is the one that kept it alive...The spirit is the one thing that gave the soul Hope... The spirit is the one thing that gave the soul Love... This is all Im gonna write today...For the world has lost its unity...Has lost its spirit....Pause...Rewind...DELETE....CLICK....

PS: I was gonna quit blogging, but with every comment I got, every email I received, I became stronger...Thank you...Thanx to everyone...I was in shock...in shock to see the amount of people who really are interested in what I have to say...I never knew my words were of that importance...I never thought that my silly ramblings were heard...Im so grateful...ever so grateful...THANK YOU...Thank you for your support...

Although I never intended this blog to be of political nature, I cant seem to stop thinking about whats happening in our world today...The Israeli offensive is still going on with hundreds of people dying....The pictures on TV are gruesome....Then we have the daily bombings and eradication of the Iraqi people....This is ATROCIOUS!!! Yesterday, over 50 people were killed, actually murdered in a busy market...Just like that....one day theyre living the next they lay down drowned in their own blood...WHY??? Because they chose to carry on with their life...Because they chose not to give up to those animal terrorists...Because for a few short minutes they believed, they believed and hoped... that for once that yesterday will be different....But they were wrong....Utterly wrong...

Today another bombing in Kufa, where hundreds were lined up to find jobs....Simple labourers whose only hope is to get some small change to be able to feed their families....Simple labourers who chose to go look for jobs, instead of joining the militias or the gangs....Simple labourers who chose to do something instead of sitting useless at home...Simple labourers who believed, believed and hoped...that for once today will be different...But they were wrong...Utterly wrong...

The endless bloodshed, the endless injustice....the endless deaths...The endless wiping out of Iraqis, when will this all end???Will it ever??? In a survey by some Iraqi local firm, 80% of the casualties so far are in universities...Professors and students...Then came the health sector, were doctors have also been a main target...Bin Ladens/Zarqawists/Saddamists/Terrorists all have one goal...One goal of erradicating the once a hub for highly educated people into a zoo...A zoo not filled with animals for animals are too nice to be kept there...No a zoo for criminals, a zoo for murderers...A zoo for militias...Iraq, Ladies and gentlemen is soon becoming a major port for all terrorists...Ooops sorry I forgot, it has already become one....

This is just like Hitler and Germany...Hitler had a plan...His Nazi plan...Kill all those who werent blue eyed, blondes...Kill all those who were of Jewish descent....This is exactly whats happening in Iraq...Dont you think its strange that since the mayhem in Lebanon, there hasnt been any Bin Laden appearance stating the unision with Muslim forces??? Hmm, he is a so called Muslim Jihadist who fights in the name of God...Who fights for Islam....Who sides with his so called muslim brothers to fight the injustice of the non believers...Yup, thats Bin Laden, the hero....Bin Laden the Hero, who views Shia's as enemies of God...Bin Laden the Hero who views a Shia has no right to live or breathe....Bin Laden the Hero....The Hero of all those Hell goers!!!

As for my sister, we are hoping she would be leaving Lebanon in a few days time with an aquaintence...We have been speaking to her, but phone lines are proving to be somehow difficult... Her and her friend are keeping themselves busy by watching news...She says theres nothing else they can do...

As for my own private life...Well, what can I say??? No comment...HUBBY got pretty upset about the last few posts I have written about him...I didnt even know he checks my blog, unless he sees me writing something....Out of all the 192 posts I had written, he concentrated on the last 2...He ignored all the rest, the ones I started from the begiining about the missing, the planning, the Love...He ignored all the rest, the ones about Baghdad and our life...He ignored everything and decided to judge me on the last 2 posts...He may have the right to be upset, but....

I believe that it is my right to write about anything I want and anything that comes to mind as long as Im not harming anyone or belittling anyone...And HUBBY (incase youre reading this) if you have read my posts from day 1, you wouldnt have reacted the way you did...I find it unfair that I stop... Writing is in my veins, and this blog is the only place I have to vent out, the only freedom I have...I was brought up to be open and honest about my feelings...I was brought up to talk and do my best to solve problems that face me...If I just bottle everything up then I will definitely explode...explode and lose myself...And I will never ever lose myself again, for I did once, and it took me quite a while to have it back....

Its yet another day...Another day of howling news, another day of deaths, another day of blood....Its yet another day of cruelty, another day of injustice, another day of terrorism...In My Own Life....Its Yet another Day...Another Day of Silence...

PS: Maybe I should do a vote, Should I quit blogging???

Its 330 am, and I find my eyes stuck on the TV screen...Im watching a channel that has live pics of southern Beirut and just now a large bombing took place...BOOM...Brings back very hurtful memories..Watching the black smoke in the red skies....This is like March 2003 over again...This is like the days I spent mourning my own country....I wander how many kids have died in this particular bombing???I wander how many innocent people lost their lives because of the selfishness of politicians....The inhumane thinking...I wander...Are you wandering too???Or is it just normal for this to happen...Is this what we have become...

I dunno why but this song just came into my mind this second while I was wandering what has become of the World....

Round Like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnival balloon Like a carousel thats turning Running rings around the moon
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping Past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind
Like a tunnel that you follow To a tunnel of its own Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone Like a door that keeps revolving In a half-forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble Someone tosses in a stream
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping Past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an appleWhirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind
Keys that jingle in your pocketWords that jangle in your headWhy did summer go so quickly? Was it something that you said? Lovers walk along a shore
And leave their footprints in the sand
Is the sound of distant drummingJust the fingers of your hand?
Pictures hanging in a hallway And the fragment of a song Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong? When you knew that it was over You were suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning To the colour of her hair Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel Never ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwindLike the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind

ALL I WANT IS MY SISTER TO BE BACK HOME SAFE AND SOUND!!!

My younger sister is stuck in Lebanon...She went there to visit a friend of hers there and now she is stranded...I spoke to her today and she said they moved to her friends house in the mountains...She seemed really exhausted...Said she heard a few bombs on Beirut today when they went down to get their belongings...I asked her if she was scared since my sister has never been in a war zone before...She ofcourse said no...Actually she had a nice philosophy...She said and I quote "I dont get why people are freaking out, look at Iraq, people go on living their lives each day while mortars hail down on them, and here, the place is haunted"...Little does she know and I dont blame her...

Apparantely, on the first day when all this started, my sis had a hair cut appointment, being always prompt on time, she actually went to her appointment to find that the beauty salon was empty, all the clients have cancelled and all the hairdressers didnt bother coming in, except for the manager, who was shocked to see my sister actually making it to the appointment...He was so surprised that apparentely he gave her a voucher for a spa treatment for her bravery...I was in shock when I found out she actually went amid this mayhem...She said "I didnt think things were serious and I didnt wanna miss the appointment"... My naive little sister....

We are trying to figure a way for her and her friend to get out, but now I think its too late, the Israelis have bombed the road to Syria...This is outrageous...Im not sure who to blame, but first and foremost, I believe that Israel has no right what so ever to bomb Lebanon because of the 2 Israeli soldiers...This really is atrocious... This is against all human rights... Not that Im surprised... At the same time I blame Hezballah for not taking any consideration the safety of their people...Didnt Nasrallah know what his action will trigger??? And the Arab leaders are just watching, they met at an emergency summit, saying that they are not happy about the situation...Is that all??? Not happy??? Words...WORDS...WORDS...Big Deal, you aint happy do something about it...Intervene, be the peacekeeper...Dont just sit there and play the blame game ...Try and put out the fire that has errupted...The damn thing happened...People are getting killed... someone must do something about it...King Abdullah of Jordan and Mobarak of Egypt are blaming Nasrallah...yeah and so??? Arent you gonna intervene???The BS of politicians is really beyond me...

Now my only fear is my sister's safety...My mom is in panic and as time goes by, and as we watch whats happening on the news, the whole family is getting worried...A friend of my mom's was on her way to chtoora when bombs were dropped on the way and she freaked out, crying...She usually is one strong woman...This aint easy for people who have been living somewhere other than a war zone...I also cannot fathom how Bush is defending Israel's position...Yet I aint surprised nor shocked... I never understood that special relationship between Israel and the US....TWO soldiers, TWO soldiers were kidnapped and a whole country gets bombed...

Why did they bomb the airport??? Why bomb bridges and roads...How can people get away...There are tens of thousands of tourists...What kind of tactic is this??? Did the airport have terrorists too??? or the roads???or the bridges??? Is this fair??? Oh I forgot Life aint fair nor is politics...

Im not sure if people in Europe and the States have the same exposure of news that we get here, are you guys watching the corpses that are being pulled out from the rubble??? The innocent children that are being injured for the sake of two soldiers who are held in captivity...Couldnt Israel make a deal with Hezballah for the exchange of these soldiers than wage a war on a whole country...on a whole nation...Is the Arab blood that cheap??? This is the New Age...The New Age Democracy....

We finally got internet access at home...Things have improved just abit on the homefront...HUBBY still sleeps most of the time, which kinda bugs the hell outta me...Apparantely since the last post, we realised that him taking valium to adjust his sleeping habbits had made him go into depression...He stopped taking it and for one day only HUBBY became normal, then he resumed his not wanting to go out or doing anything for that matter...I have been trying my best to find activities for him...Geez, I feel like a mom trying to find activities for her child to keep him occupied (I raise my hat to you moms out there)...And honestly theres really nothing much happening in Abu Dhabi...He finally got convinced that maybe a trip to the gym will do him good, so we applied for one and waiting for approval...

Im the homey kind, so if I dont go out, or if theres nothing to do, I dont mind...I just grab a book and go into my la la land...HUBBY on the other hand doesnt read....instead he either complains that he is bored, or he goes to sleep...I find myself many times sitting alone on the sofa, watching TV...Not really my idea of a married life...I see couples out and about and wish that maybe I will be like that one day...Maybe just maybe I will get appreciated one day...It gets stressful at times cuz I keep thinkin maybe theres something wrong with me that he doesnt find appealing...I dunno...A woman's mind can play games and in the end gets very negative...All I want is a normal life...Dunno if what Im asking for is alot...Am I???Im trying my best here, lets see...

Al Maliki was here 10 days ago...I didnt get to go but my brother and brother in law went and heard him speak...They liked him, and said that he sounded very serious about taking actions against whats happening in Iraq right now...I myself dont believe that things will get better...Im fed up of politicians talking and not doing anything...Words stopped doing it for me long time ago...Words, promises are nothing, are worthless if there is no action...We have been hearing the same BS over and over without seeing any improvements...Infact all I see is a nation that is struggling to live, struggling to survive...And the darn politicians are busy exerting all their energy in empty words...What a shame...

As for the current situation, well things have really heated up and I believe we are in the middle of a civil war...Yup thats exactly whats happening...Remember that day, I think it was a few days ago when it was reported that bogus check points were set up in Hay Al Jihad in Baghdad, well, my cousin (a shia'), who headed out to the Dora District for some meeting, in the morning, was lucky enough to miss a number of fake checkpoints that apparantely were set later on that day in Dora...He was called up by some colleagues of his who told him they were stopped by these checkpoints that were targetting Shia's ...They presented them with fake ID's and survived...He escaped this time and he vowed that he will be making plans very soon to take his family out of the country... Shias killing Sunni's and Vise Versa...This is what has become of a nation that used to live happily together...Not caring what sect or religeon was the next door neighbour...Its people like Al Qaeda, actually they are not people but criminals, that started all this...Insects that came crawling in, spreading their poison...Their fatal poison...

My aunt on the otherhand, who lives in Adhamiya is already making plans to come over here with her family...Things are getting outta hand over there...Even those who had some kind of optimistic views lost it...Remember W, a former colleague of mine???Well he sent me an email telling me that he is trying to get a visa to come here and asked me to tell HUBBY not to even consider visiting Baghdad...Another former colleague of mine, Y, managed to get a visa to Dubai around a month ago...She arrived in Dubai, loved it, was extremely fortunate and got a job...I spoke to her on the phone a few weeks ago and she kept talking about what a difference Dubai is to Baghdad...

Y could not believe her eyes when they were set on the high rise buildings and the huge developments taking place...She laughed and said, there we were risking our lives going to the green zone everyday in the effort of rebuilding the country by fixing some railways, or renovating schools, and we were so emotional about it..Look at this place...This is the place I want to live in...This is the place where I can bring my children up without even thinking twice if they wanna go out the house...She made me laugh when she said that she even put on her tightest jeans and a tight tshirt and decided to go out for a walk...Just for the heck of it...Was curious to see what would happen to her...I laughed big time...But I couldnt blame her...She said this is what I call Freedom...Y is waiting for her children and husband to join her end of the month...Thats it she said...No more Baghdad for me...It has become a hell...Literally a hell...Y is like many hundreds or even thousands that are moving to the Emirates...

I was watching a program the other day on an Iraqi channel, showing us the exodus of families leaving...The bus operator said that only in Salhiya in Baghdad 10,000 people daily are travelling to Syria, and thats only busses...Imagine the private hired taxis, and the planes...Wowww...I cant seem to imagine how Baghdad or Iraq is going to be in a few months time...Its gonna be like an empty shell...An empty shell filled with thugs and militias...And those who cant afford to get out are gonna be the victims...Victims of the State...The State of Terror...

Well, its been almost 2 weeks since I have written...We still dont have internet connection at our new home so Im using the one at my parents...Things havent been that rosy...Yup...I know youre gonna have some whining and venting out yet again....story of my life...

HUBBY is being really difficult...My patience and believe me I do have patience when it comes to him, is gonna run out pretty soon...He was in the States for 2 weeks after Iraq, then he came here...to supposedly settle down and look for a job...No one forced him to come here, certainly I didnt...I made sure after knowing that we are leaving Iraq to ask him and discuss the future plans...I even offered him, if he wanted, I would compromise and move back to the States if thats what he really wants to do..."No" He said..."I dont wanna go back to the States...I dont want a 9-5 job anymore" Hmm you sure HUBBY??? Are you 100% sure??? I mean I really am willing to go if thats where you want to be..."Yes honey, Im sure"

Two months later and all he talks about is "What a mistake this has been"..."What a boring life this is"..."Id rather be in the States"... "I cant live here"...."We have to either go back to Iraq or to the States" Hmm...pretty nice comments that I get everyday....Oh but fortunately I get these comments in the 3 or 4 hours that he is actually awake in...All he has been doing is eating and sleeping...oh...and complaining...Im just so angry right now, so my post is gonna be a harsh one... For me I dont mind the lazing about as long as there is no complaining involved...I mean he came here to supposedly settle down...Look for a job and maybe start a family...

Settling down comes with 100% certainty that you are comfortable in the place and 200% convinced that this is where you wanna be...It certainly doesnt come with complaining all the time...Getting a job is never easy anywhere...Be it here, be it in the States, be it in Timbuktoo...You want a job, you go after it...You want a job, you start applying, start contacting companies, start networking...Start sending CV's to recruitment companies...Get active...You dont get a job by sleeping and complaining that this place has no work going on...MY GOD...I mean the amount of construction projects taking place here is unbelievable...So much is happening yet he is blinded by his desire of wanting to return to Baghdad...

HUBBY is a very smart guy...Very talented and very hardworking, but only when he wants to be...He thinks a job will walk right into his lap...Wake up HUBBY things dont work like that...You want something, you want something badly, you try your best to get it...But HUBBY thinks that its a better idea if we go back to Baghdad...And that is why he is being like that...This attachment he has is far greater than his attachment and his commitment to me...Yes I felt the same way when I first came back...I remember the nostalgia and the depression I went through...It hasnt been so long ago..But Im taking this phase in my life as a challenge...And for the first time I can say with confidence that if I start applying for jobs, which I havent done cuz I have been busy with finishing up the apartment, I definitely will get one and get one soon...I know so because I have the right attitude...I'm in the correct mental state...I AM READY...

I mean I wake up everyday, with HUBBY still sleeping till 2 or 3 in the afternoon...I prepare lunch, which was fun at first, since I havent really cooked anything for HUBBY in a long long time...I mean I really enjoyed my wifely duties...The cooking, the washing up...the cleaning...Seriously I really really enjoyed it...but then I kinda lost the feeling since I wasnt getting any feedback...He first wakes up at 6 in the morning...has something to eat then goes back to sleep until 2 or 3pm(says its jet lag...fine I can relate to that...but not for 2 weeks, or is that normal???)....wakes up hungry...has lunch...we watch tv(mostly Iraqi news and the world cup)...we sometimes go out to the mall to finish up the remainder of our home stuff...we come back...he eats...watches tv then goes to sleep...

When I ask him "Why are you sleeping all the time???" He answers with "Im jet lagged" or "Theres nothing else to do" OMG!!! Nothing else to do??? What about exerting abit of energy and sending CV's out....I dont get it...I really dont...He is acting as if its my fault he left Iraq...That its my fault he doesnt have a job and its my fault that he aint in his back garden in the States...I mean the minute he arrived here, he started talkin about going back to Iraq...He said "We should go back" WE??? Nope...Sorry...not me....Yes I would love to go back, definitely...But not now...I wanna give this place a chance...I have put so much energy in the apartment, that I actually fell in love with it...Remember how I hated it at first??? Im in love with it now...cuz I did it...I did it all by myself... fixed it all up...I gave it my all...And so easily for him, to come and say lets leave...No I aint leavin...And I said that to him a few times...which shocked him...I usually give in and say ok...but not this time...He says No we will go together...Nope...Sorry HUBBY....I need a break from all the stress I had back there....Yes I miss it...Yes I miss my colleagues...Hell I was depressed cuz we left...but now...Im here...Now...I want to have a teeny weeny normal way of life...And I think I deserve it....

So basically Im bummed out at the moment...Feeling guilty cuz HUBBY aint happy...Yes I am feeling guilty...Although I know its not my fault he is like this, but I just cant help it...Im trying my best to make him feel good, feel happy...suggesting stuff to do...giving him ideas...but I guess Im not coming through to him...He may not say it in so many words but the way he looks at me and his attitude...I know he is blaming me for whats going on with him at the moment...Can it be he is suffering from PTSD??? Shoot, that never even occured to me...Hmm...anything is possible...Or maybe its just a small hiccup...Maybe he doesnt think he stands a chance..I know he does and I believe in him and in his ability...I really do...If only he puts his mind to it...

Im still gonna try to be the good wife...Lets see where that leads to...You never know, maybe us going back to Iraq will after all be ever so close...I dunno...They say A Woman's Place...A Woman's Place is with her Husband...