neurotic Iraqi wife
July 03, 2006
A Woman's Place is with her Husband...
Well, its been almost 2 weeks since I have written...We still dont have internet connection at our new home so Im using the one at my parents...Things havent been that rosy...Yup...I know youre gonna have some whining and venting out yet again....story of my life...
HUBBY is being really difficult...My patience and believe me I do have patience when it comes to him, is gonna run out pretty soon...He was in the States for 2 weeks after Iraq, then he came here...to supposedly settle down and look for a job...No one forced him to come here, certainly I didnt...I made sure after knowing that we are leaving Iraq to ask him and discuss the future plans...I even offered him, if he wanted, I would compromise and move back to the States if thats what he really wants to do..."No" He said..."I dont wanna go back to the States...I dont want a 9-5 job anymore" Hmm you sure HUBBY??? Are you 100% sure??? I mean I really am willing to go if thats where you want to be..."Yes honey, Im sure"
Two months later and all he talks about is "What a mistake this has been"..."What a boring life this is"..."Id rather be in the States"... "I cant live here"...."We have to either go back to Iraq or to the States" Hmm...pretty nice comments that I get everyday....Oh but fortunately I get these comments in the 3 or 4 hours that he is actually awake in...All he has been doing is eating and sleeping...oh...and complaining...Im just so angry right now, so my post is gonna be a harsh one... For me I dont mind the lazing about as long as there is no complaining involved...I mean he came here to supposedly settle down...Look for a job and maybe start a family...
Settling down comes with 100% certainty that you are comfortable in the place and 200% convinced that this is where you wanna be...It certainly doesnt come with complaining all the time...Getting a job is never easy anywhere...Be it here, be it in the States, be it in Timbuktoo...You want a job, you go after it...You want a job, you start applying, start contacting companies, start networking...Start sending CV's to recruitment companies...Get active...You dont get a job by sleeping and complaining that this place has no work going on...MY GOD...I mean the amount of construction projects taking place here is unbelievable...So much is happening yet he is blinded by his desire of wanting to return to Baghdad...
HUBBY is a very smart guy...Very talented and very hardworking, but only when he wants to be...He thinks a job will walk right into his lap...Wake up HUBBY things dont work like that...You want something, you want something badly, you try your best to get it...But HUBBY thinks that its a better idea if we go back to Baghdad...And that is why he is being like that...This attachment he has is far greater than his attachment and his commitment to me...Yes I felt the same way when I first came back...I remember the nostalgia and the depression I went through...It hasnt been so long ago..But Im taking this phase in my life as a challenge...And for the first time I can say with confidence that if I start applying for jobs, which I havent done cuz I have been busy with finishing up the apartment, I definitely will get one and get one soon...I know so because I have the right attitude...I'm in the correct mental state...I AM READY...
I mean I wake up everyday, with HUBBY still sleeping till 2 or 3 in the afternoon...I prepare lunch, which was fun at first, since I havent really cooked anything for HUBBY in a long long time...I mean I really enjoyed my wifely duties...The cooking, the washing up...the cleaning...Seriously I really really enjoyed it...but then I kinda lost the feeling since I wasnt getting any feedback...He first wakes up at 6 in the morning...has something to eat then goes back to sleep until 2 or 3pm(says its jet lag...fine I can relate to that...but not for 2 weeks, or is that normal???)....wakes up hungry...has lunch...we watch tv(mostly Iraqi news and the world cup)...we sometimes go out to the mall to finish up the remainder of our home stuff...we come back...he eats...watches tv then goes to sleep...
When I ask him "Why are you sleeping all the time???" He answers with "Im jet lagged" or "Theres nothing else to do" OMG!!! Nothing else to do??? What about exerting abit of energy and sending CV's out....I dont get it...I really dont...He is acting as if its my fault he left Iraq...That its my fault he doesnt have a job and its my fault that he aint in his back garden in the States...I mean the minute he arrived here, he started talkin about going back to Iraq...He said "We should go back" WE??? Nope...Sorry...not me....Yes I would love to go back, definitely...But not now...I wanna give this place a chance...I have put so much energy in the apartment, that I actually fell in love with it...Remember how I hated it at first??? Im in love with it now...cuz I did it...I did it all by myself... fixed it all up...I gave it my all...And so easily for him, to come and say lets leave...No I aint leavin...And I said that to him a few times...which shocked him...I usually give in and say ok...but not this time...He says No we will go together...Nope...Sorry HUBBY....I need a break from all the stress I had back there....Yes I miss it...Yes I miss my colleagues...Hell I was depressed cuz we left...but now...Im here...Now...I want to have a teeny weeny normal way of life...And I think I deserve it....
So basically Im bummed out at the moment...Feeling guilty cuz HUBBY aint happy...Yes I am feeling guilty...Although I know its not my fault he is like this, but I just cant help it...Im trying my best to make him feel good, feel happy...suggesting stuff to do...giving him ideas...but I guess Im not coming through to him...He may not say it in so many words but the way he looks at me and his attitude...I know he is blaming me for whats going on with him at the moment...Can it be he is suffering from PTSD??? Shoot, that never even occured to me...Hmm...anything is possible...Or maybe its just a small hiccup...Maybe he doesnt think he stands a chance..I know he does and I believe in him and in his ability...I really do...If only he puts his mind to it...
Im still gonna try to be the good wife...Lets see where that leads to...You never know, maybe us going back to Iraq will after all be ever so close...I dunno...They say A Woman's Place...A Woman's Place is with her Husband...
HUBBY is being really difficult...My patience and believe me I do have patience when it comes to him, is gonna run out pretty soon...He was in the States for 2 weeks after Iraq, then he came here...to supposedly settle down and look for a job...No one forced him to come here, certainly I didnt...I made sure after knowing that we are leaving Iraq to ask him and discuss the future plans...I even offered him, if he wanted, I would compromise and move back to the States if thats what he really wants to do..."No" He said..."I dont wanna go back to the States...I dont want a 9-5 job anymore" Hmm you sure HUBBY??? Are you 100% sure??? I mean I really am willing to go if thats where you want to be..."Yes honey, Im sure"
Two months later and all he talks about is "What a mistake this has been"..."What a boring life this is"..."Id rather be in the States"... "I cant live here"...."We have to either go back to Iraq or to the States" Hmm...pretty nice comments that I get everyday....Oh but fortunately I get these comments in the 3 or 4 hours that he is actually awake in...All he has been doing is eating and sleeping...oh...and complaining...Im just so angry right now, so my post is gonna be a harsh one... For me I dont mind the lazing about as long as there is no complaining involved...I mean he came here to supposedly settle down...Look for a job and maybe start a family...
Settling down comes with 100% certainty that you are comfortable in the place and 200% convinced that this is where you wanna be...It certainly doesnt come with complaining all the time...Getting a job is never easy anywhere...Be it here, be it in the States, be it in Timbuktoo...You want a job, you go after it...You want a job, you start applying, start contacting companies, start networking...Start sending CV's to recruitment companies...Get active...You dont get a job by sleeping and complaining that this place has no work going on...MY GOD...I mean the amount of construction projects taking place here is unbelievable...So much is happening yet he is blinded by his desire of wanting to return to Baghdad...
HUBBY is a very smart guy...Very talented and very hardworking, but only when he wants to be...He thinks a job will walk right into his lap...Wake up HUBBY things dont work like that...You want something, you want something badly, you try your best to get it...But HUBBY thinks that its a better idea if we go back to Baghdad...And that is why he is being like that...This attachment he has is far greater than his attachment and his commitment to me...Yes I felt the same way when I first came back...I remember the nostalgia and the depression I went through...It hasnt been so long ago..But Im taking this phase in my life as a challenge...And for the first time I can say with confidence that if I start applying for jobs, which I havent done cuz I have been busy with finishing up the apartment, I definitely will get one and get one soon...I know so because I have the right attitude...I'm in the correct mental state...I AM READY...
I mean I wake up everyday, with HUBBY still sleeping till 2 or 3 in the afternoon...I prepare lunch, which was fun at first, since I havent really cooked anything for HUBBY in a long long time...I mean I really enjoyed my wifely duties...The cooking, the washing up...the cleaning...Seriously I really really enjoyed it...but then I kinda lost the feeling since I wasnt getting any feedback...He first wakes up at 6 in the morning...has something to eat then goes back to sleep until 2 or 3pm(says its jet lag...fine I can relate to that...but not for 2 weeks, or is that normal???)....wakes up hungry...has lunch...we watch tv(mostly Iraqi news and the world cup)...we sometimes go out to the mall to finish up the remainder of our home stuff...we come back...he eats...watches tv then goes to sleep...
When I ask him "Why are you sleeping all the time???" He answers with "Im jet lagged" or "Theres nothing else to do" OMG!!! Nothing else to do??? What about exerting abit of energy and sending CV's out....I dont get it...I really dont...He is acting as if its my fault he left Iraq...That its my fault he doesnt have a job and its my fault that he aint in his back garden in the States...I mean the minute he arrived here, he started talkin about going back to Iraq...He said "We should go back" WE??? Nope...Sorry...not me....Yes I would love to go back, definitely...But not now...I wanna give this place a chance...I have put so much energy in the apartment, that I actually fell in love with it...Remember how I hated it at first??? Im in love with it now...cuz I did it...I did it all by myself... fixed it all up...I gave it my all...And so easily for him, to come and say lets leave...No I aint leavin...And I said that to him a few times...which shocked him...I usually give in and say ok...but not this time...He says No we will go together...Nope...Sorry HUBBY....I need a break from all the stress I had back there....Yes I miss it...Yes I miss my colleagues...Hell I was depressed cuz we left...but now...Im here...Now...I want to have a teeny weeny normal way of life...And I think I deserve it....
So basically Im bummed out at the moment...Feeling guilty cuz HUBBY aint happy...Yes I am feeling guilty...Although I know its not my fault he is like this, but I just cant help it...Im trying my best to make him feel good, feel happy...suggesting stuff to do...giving him ideas...but I guess Im not coming through to him...He may not say it in so many words but the way he looks at me and his attitude...I know he is blaming me for whats going on with him at the moment...Can it be he is suffering from PTSD??? Shoot, that never even occured to me...Hmm...anything is possible...Or maybe its just a small hiccup...Maybe he doesnt think he stands a chance..I know he does and I believe in him and in his ability...I really do...If only he puts his mind to it...
Im still gonna try to be the good wife...Lets see where that leads to...You never know, maybe us going back to Iraq will after all be ever so close...I dunno...They say A Woman's Place...A Woman's Place is with her Husband...
17 Comments:
Oh sweetheart, that is just too damn scary. Especially this part,
"HUBBY is a very smart guy...Very talented and very hardworking, but only when he wants to be...He thinks a job will walk right into his lap..."
it could be my husband (who does have a job and is good at keeping one, but by God, I'm the one who found it for him)
Hey, does your husband read your blog??
Hi NIW,
How are you doing these days?
Sounds like your husband is pouting.
I do it myself.
It's a male thing.
Maybe, you should go to the
States, although will you feel
angry then, because you gave in to
your husband.
What do you realy want to do?
NIW,
Start looking for a job yourself. Nothing like wife out the door first thing in the morning to motivate a husband to move his behind.
I agree with ihath. Plus, do the wife thing, too. In other words, try being Superwoman - work, keep the house up, cook, go places on the weekends. Meet some new friends and have them over for dinner, or go out with them and hubby. It would be hard to work and do everything around the house, too. But, seeing you do all this (without complaining or being resentful) and remain loving (no disgusted looks or sighs), would have to guilt him out of his self pity party, if nothing else is working. It's almost impossible to not let his attitude effect you, but do your best. When he makes you feel disheartened and discouraged, force yourself to put on your happy face and vow to not respond by how you FEEL. React based on what you KNOW. You know your hubby is a good man. You know where you're living is not "your fault". You know the opportunities are out there. You know your husband is depressed or has PTSD right now. You know he is in need of a new direction to get enthusiastic again. You know if you pray for a solution, God will answer in His timing. It's so hard to remain optimistic when your spouse is being pessimistic! But, you can do it if you make your mind up to do it and ask God to help you.
sounds a lot like depression ... especially the sleeping ...
How's his physical health? Has he recently seen a Dr. for a medical check-up? What about his diet? His blood pressure? His sugar?
Dwitt
Where in Iraq do you live? I gathered you left Baghdad. I wonder why your husband doesn't want to get up and work? You sound like you're motivated, at least. I hope things go better.
I'm with the others here who think depression is getting the best of your Hubby. That's something he's gonna have to take personal responsiblity for, either now or later. No point in letting him drag you down into the pit of darkness! Keep you chin up, keep doing what you need to do to make your life the best it can be. I, for one, am from the school of thought that a woman should Not have to stand behind her husband. Building a life of your own (freimds, hobbies, possibly a job) will encourage Hubby to do likewise. Good luck!
PS: When my husband is feeling blue, I like to buy him a gift certificate for a relaxing massage.
NIW,
If I was in your shoes ( they probably wouldn't fit, you look very petite) I'd get your hubby to a physician posthaste. He's exhibiting classic symptoms of depression which people tend to forget is a brain chemistry imbalance. Steady and unrelenting stress causes epinephrine and dopamine to be released and the subsequent depletion causes depression. Many people recover quickly on their own but some require help and are greatly aided by short term meds. He probably will pull out of it on his own eventually but why should you both suffer?
I said probably a year ago that he is not a good match for you- I never understand why great and talented women put up with men who treat them so poorly. You could do much better in life- you can't make anyone else happy and the sooner you realize that the better off you will be!!
I couldn't have said it any better Lieutenant Fishman. Why women stay with selfish men like that totally amaze me. You're young dear lady and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Enjoy it!
Your husband sounds depressed. That much sleeping is a sign something is wrong.
Maybe your husband is tired? I'm not depressed, but, I sleep as much as I can! Your commenters are quick to judge some man whom they know absolutely nothing about. You are newlyweds for cryin' out loud. You don't know all the nuances your husband possesses.
Let me tell you one thing about American men. Firstly, we are very selfish people. We want what we want when we want it. Trust me, I'm guilty. Secondly, we love gorgeous women. Sister, by the looks of half a face shot, you got it goin' on! Thirdly, you absolutely adore your husband. I can tell just by visiting your site maybe 2 months that you have absolutely nothing bad to say about "hubby" sans this post.
Lastly, You need to get rid of this blog, or, stop asking complete strangers for advice. We don't know the inner workings of your relationship. When you married, you took a vow...til death do us part. Marriage isn't easy. You and the Hub need to work at it. Starting today! I mean that, you knuckleheads.
Leila, lol...I hope not all men are like that...Myabe he is HUBBY's Double...hmm
Anon, I dunno if he does, I know he knows abt it and that is why Im restricted abit to what I can write...As there are many things I wanna talk about that might anger him...
MG, how am I doing???I feel lonely and lfet out...I feel that I didnt get married to end up on the sofa all alone...I dunno what I want, All I wanna be is happy and have a happy life...I dont mind going to the States, I dont mind going anywhere Im quite easy going...But I dont wanna go to any place and end up like now yet again...
Hmm, Ihath...I dont think its that easy with HUBBY...He may be laid back and everything but I cant seem to get through to him...And I have started applying for jobs...Its kinda slow here since its Summer, but Im hoping I will get something...
Anon, how much more can I do??? Infact, my faith has lessened, and probably thats where the problem lies..I have been thro alot in the past and I dont wanna sound like a victim, but I feel that God has put me down...It scares me...
Dwitt, he doesnt wanna go see a dr...I keep telling him to go for a general check up but he is stubborn...I feel like IM talkin to a child rather than an adult...And Im losing my patience...Cuz I really am trying hard...
Hey Matt, we were in the Green Zone..Yes we left and now HUBBY wants to go back...Where you there too???
Anon, hmm, in our culture a woman has to stand behind her husband...Although we differ alot in many views, I still believe that I should try the best I can to make it work...It gets tiring after a while..But im the type that doesnt give up easily...Thats a great idea abt the massage, he has been complaining lately about back and shoulder ache...Maybe I should find him a cute massuese???Lol...
2 cents, Im a shoe size 36.5 UK, not sure what in US maybe a 6...Lol...
Lt, thats a bit unfair..We do have our differences...yes, we are total opposites YES..but he is a nice guy...Im still trying to get to know him...And I do love him, in my own way...
Strong woman, I guess no one is perfect...I too may be selfish...Wanting him to be with me all the time...I dunno...Atleast thats what I thought marriage is all abt...building a life together...
Anon, yup...we found out that he was taking valiun to adjust his sleeping habbit..turned out it deressed him...thank god my sister told him to stop takin it...I also think that being in a new place where he knows no one is playing abig part in his attitude...its not easy, but me and my family are trying our best..if he doesnt adjust then he can easily move back to the States...I wouldnt mind...but he should make an effort in giving it his all before he decides that this place is bad...thats what bugs me...
Tony...I started this blog because I needed help and advice...I can never think of giving it up...I have also discovered that its better asking complete strangers cuz they wont be biased...I can never tell my family abt whats goin on or else they would go crazy...I have to always put a happy face...which in itself is tiring...As for selfishness...I believe that most men are selfish...be it of any nationality and Im discovering that now...I was hoping that maybe HUBBY will be an exception but I guess Im not that lucky...Oh well...no one is perfect...
NIW,
From my own experience, the responsibility for being the strong and supportive one in a marriage shifts as each individual deals with finding their own happiness through times of change or crisis. IIRC, your husband was in Iraq a year longer than you were. It seems reasonable that he would be showing more signs of PTSD, and now he sees you settling in to this new life that is familiar to you but not to him. All that could be triggering depression, which when severe, should be treated by a physician. Once he deals with the depression, he will be in a better mental state to decide if he has the desire to create a new life there (plan a) or if he would prefer to return to the states where he has some comfort zone to operate in (plan b). Those are the two choices you're happy and willing to support right? You should let him know that once he deals with the depression you are willing to do plan B if he choses, but plan c - returning to Iraq - is not on the table for now.
And, BTW, if you're working and he's not, the only fair division of work is that HE does the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning, etc. Bullshit to that superwoman comment. Depression and PTSD doesn't relieve him of having to contribute in ways he can.
Marriage may not be easy often enough, but passive-aggressive behavior on both of your parts, can not replace fair, honest communication. I know its not easy when your mate is grumpy or worse, you can be sympathetic to his feelings and still ask that he not take his frustrations out on you, and visa versa. You each do the best you can and you don't set up the other person for failure. Integrity and trust in each other is needed to get through the rough spots. You were adult enough to get married. Be adult enough to find the skills you need to make it work.
One more thought now that I see your comment back to others. You made one comment that convinces me you abolutely WILL be able to get through this.
You said that "I can never tell my family abt whats goin on or else they would go crazy...I have to always put a happy face..."
There was one piece of advice given to me when I got married that has never been wrong. We call it rule 49, but you can number it however you like. (There's so many rules in marriage and in life in general, that it seems like a long list at times). Anyway...
Rule 49 states that you never ever make your spouse appear bad in public. That especially means in front of all family and friends. (Internet is excluded only as long as you remain anonymous to those who know you). We actually try to make our spouse seem better than they actually when talking with family or friends. There's nothing worse than hearing your spouse make a derogatory comment about you to someone you know, and there's nothing at all enjoyable about listening to other couples insult each other in public.
The fact that you already know that rule tells me you're miles ahead of most people in figuring out how to get through the rough times.
BTW, IT DOES GET EASIER.
Good luck NIW.
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