neurotic Iraqi wife

Im feeling much better after the bout of depression I had the last 2 weeks. I felt myself slipping, slipping real fast in a world of seclusion and sadness. But there came a point where I said ENOUGH. Enough negativity, enough hopelessness. It was far too draining.

I decided no TV news from now on, cant bare it. Its a cowardly way of dealing with reality but for now, its a short time solution to gather my thoughts together. I cant bare looking at burnt corpses, or children's bodies scattered, drenched in their own blood. These graphic, disturbing images do nothing but scar you in a real bad way...

HUBBY too seems to be catching my depression virus. Says nothing is going right in Baghdad.This is the person I depended on to get my laughing medication. This is the person who used to always make me smile. This is the person who I always turned to when I was down. But changes are imminent, I knew it was only a matter of time....

Living in the Green Zone is no laughing matter. Im not talking about the daily mortars that drop in randomly, nor the sirens that go off every now and then.Even there you struggle to survive. Maybe not survive physically as much, but mentally you HAVE to stay sane. Mentally you are so fragile, so prone to breaking down. Men leaving their families behind, their wives, their kids, their Lives. Missing birthdays, missing the first "dada" words. Women leaving behind their love nests, their definition of ultimate security and stability... All this takes its toll even if you think you're made from stone for stones too have their breaking points....

"I need some privacy" were words that shocked me to my core. What do you mean, I asked??? I need time, time just for myself he said. But you ARE alone in Iraq, you have all the time in the world there, all the time without ME. No, he answered, Im never alone there, you can never be ALONE there,always surrounded by people by thoughts of survival. At work its colleagues, in the trailer its my mate,in the streets its mortars. I need time, ME time....

Me time, words that kept resonating in my ears. Being the emotional person that I am, took these words as insults, as a selfish behaviour from the one person who I thought was selfless...How can he say that??? How dare he!!!I looked at myself and felt pity,I mean there I was counting the hours, days, weeks, months so we can finally be together. So We can finally spend quality time "together" and then get this??? How can it be???

You dont love me anymore, I said. He smiled,took my hands in his,looked real deep into my eyes and said "how can someone not love you??? After all this time,how can you have the heart to say these words.If I could, I would give you my eyes, If I could, I would give you my soul. You dont give yourself much credit, you are too harsh on yourself". But you want ME time, how can you love me when you want ME time, I spat the words out.

A look of sadness swamped his sea blue eyes and he said, you will know what I mean when you come over. Its nothing personal against you, its something I NEED to do. I want to stay in bed and rot for a few days. I want to sleep like there's no tomorrow. I wanna get filthy and smell. I want to stay in the room and not see a single soul. I cant do that when you are around. I will feel selfish if I do that and leave you out and thats why I say ME time. At that moment I felt my heart ache, literally.

Here I was married to someone in his forties, someone strong, mature, fun, unbreakable, and yet I realised he is only HUMAN. How could I have been so selfish,how could I have been so blind, how could I have gotten it so wrong. He's only human and has his own weaknesses. He too has the right to be sad, down, miserable.....He afterall has the right to have his "ME" time. And so I gave it to him. Maybe not as long as he hoped for, but it was a start.

I left our hotel room, ventured out into the streets. I took a cab and went to a nearby mall. Spent 30 minutes window shopping, since I didnt really need anything to buy and the rest of the 90 minutes was spent in a cafe gulping down one latte after the other. I got people looking at me strangely, but I didnt care. I sat there waiting, wandering when is it time, looking at my watch every 10 minutes. Once I needed the bathroom after the OD of latte's I decided its time to leave...I went back to the hotel and found him lying down. Did you have enough "me" time I asked??? He smiled and said come here I missed you......

I wander, how many more people out there feel the same. How many more people out there are mentally exahusted. How many more people crave for their "ME" Time.....