neurotic Iraqi wife

Im gonna write about some of the comments I got on the last post, instead of answering each one individually, I d rather do a post on it. It reminds me so much of my situation here. I AM Iraqi, yet from Iraqi people points of view Im a Brit, and from the expats I work with, Im an Iraqi. Its a lose lose situation. Although some of my Iraqi colleagues tell me that they are shocked at my Iraqiness and how well I speak the language considering the fact that I havent been living here for the past 25 years. I get the same comment from my western colleagues about how well I speak the english language and how shocked they are to know that I am infact an Iraqi. Hmmm...

The comments I got on my "Endless Eternity" Post, is mind boggling. I have Iraqis calling me a traitor because Im working with the Americans, and I have Americans calling me something in the line of a "radical" Iraqi or an ungrateful Iraqi. I am saying the same thing. I mean its one post that I wrote, and yet Im viewed differently by different people. Make your minds up. Not that I really care how people view me because I KNOW who and what I AM. But its for your sake that you should know what you are talkin about. So am I collaborator? Me and the thousands of Iraqis, those Iraqis who withstood Saddam's wrath? Or am I an ungrateful Iraqi radical, who is trying to tell the truth and write about what I see and hear? Is it because the truth usually is far more damning than fiction that people cant accept it? or is it because truely you dont see it that way?

Let me start my first argument. I AM A COLLABORATOR. Wowwwww, I kinda like that word. Infact, it makes me smile and does nothing for my self esteem. It doesnt put me down contrary to what people think or want to think. I, like many thousands of Iraqis, was glad Saddam was gone, but was devastated when the war broke out. So devastated, that in my state of mind at the time, I was going to enroll and join the so called "human shields" that went on a bus from London. I tried to find ways and contacted people, but my family who were thousands of miles away, stopped me. They thought I was losing it, and I think I was. The images of rockets and bombs falling on Baghdad, was making me sick to my stomach. I wouldnt go out of the house, I wouldnt take any phonecalls. I WAS depressed.

Naturally, after getting married, and while HUBBY got to fulfill his own dream of seeing his country again after 25 years of yearning, he managed to fulfill mine by getting me a job with him. So yes, I was ecstatic to go back to the home I only knew and heard about from stories told by my elder siblings and parents. I was finally going to see and live those memories again, live it for them. I had no clue, no idea, that I will be stuck here in the GZ. I had no idea what to expect, infact I was kinda scared about how my own countrymen will view me, those who I was going to work with. I think I wrote about my fears back in March or April of 05. But Im here now, and I have learnt alot. Am I traitor for wanting to help all my life? I guess I am by your own definition. Am I traitor for wanting to give the people of this country a life? I guess I am by your definition. Am I a traitor because I hate Saddam and loathe the main reason we are where we are today? I guess I am by your definition. Am I traitor because I say the truth in trying to tell the world that if the troops leave, Iraq will no longer exist??? I guess I am by your definition. Am I a traitor because I talk to tens of Iraqis here that work with me and find out how they manage to survive this nutty situation??? I guess I am by your definition!!! But by MY own definition I see that YOU ARE THE TRAITORS, oh yes YOU ARE THE COLLABORATORS for wanting to sell your own blood, your own kids to terrorists!!! Yes YOU ARE THE ONES. Infact, YOU are worse than that. You are criminals, criminals for allowing terrorists blow your country apart and at the same time blow YOUR OWN children to pieces. YOU, are lower than the low. And if it takes me to be called a traitor and collaborator because I disagree with you, then be it.


As for the second arguement, that Im always blaming the American government, that is true as well. But as I always say, I dont only blame them for the poor post war tactics if any existed, but I also blame us for allowing a government, like the one now to take over. Dont tell me that Bush didnt make any mistakes. Because he did. He made fatal mistakes. Mistakes that cost the Iraqi people hundreds of thousands of lives. He relied on people that lived most of their life outside Iraq. He planned for the shock and awe, but didnt plan for after that. No Im not a Saddam supporter. Never was and never will be. So when I do critisize Bush's ideas and beliefs oh and lets not forget his lies, I dont think that makes me a Saddam loyalist. Bush had alot of chances to fix what he broke. Infact he had a gazillion and one chances. He had people here on the ground who supposedly are monitoring the situation and the results. Did they lie to him??? Did they tell him that everything is going according to plans????

I had a very interesting conversation the other day with my friend D. And D, the only reason Im writing about that particular conversation because it has alot to do with this post Im writing. D and I were talking about how much I hate going to the Palace aka the american embassy here. D thought that I dont like going there because it reminds me of Saddam. I negated that and said no, the fact I hate going there is because it reminds me of what could have been without having the Americans trample all over that place.

D got kinda defensive and said that infact it wasnt the Americans that looted everything else, it wasnt the Americans that stole antiquities and things from ministries because they thought that it was their "right". I agree, it was idiotic Iraqis who thought that freedom meant looting everything that Saddam and his clans owned. I didnt see it that way, infact I was stunned when I saw these images on TV. I was absolutely shocked. But at the same time, the troops that were there watching, should have been able to stop them and not contrary to what we saw on tv, encourage them to loot. I mean the images are still in my head, you have a group of soldiers, just watching and laughing as people carry things, anything. Yes we were in a state of anarchy, but hellloooooooo, you came here, you got rid of the whole army, you got rid of the border army, you got rid of the police force. You got rid of everything that meant "law and order" here. Whose fault is that??? Dont tell me its the Iraqi people??? Because at that time, Iraqis had no power. At that time, we didnt even have a government. Then some genius by the name of Bremer, decided that the Shia's and the Kurds should have the biggest piece of the cake since they were the ones greatly oppressed by Saddam. Im a shia, and I dont deny that, but for god's sake, YOU DO NOT and I mean DO NOT choose a government, people who are supposed to lead this place by their ethnic background. You have to study their competance, their strategy, their views.

So yes, the American government was wrong, the American government failed and failed miserably. I talk to people here, and like one anonymous who wrote that he was many of thousands and probably millions that were looking forward to this freedom, they were let down. Let down in an absolute horrendous way. We reached a point where the unwanted happened. People yearning for Saddam's times. Thats whats happening right now. Am I lying to you??? I know Im not. Am I being realistic, hell yes. With borders being open to every terrorist scum who wanted to enjoy "breakfast" with my prophet pbuh, by blowing up children and people could have been STOPPED by the original Iraqi army.

The Abu GHraib saga, wasnt that a crime??? Wasnt that an ugly crime against the Iraqi people??? The rape of women and girls by some of the troops, is that also part of the post war planning???And no, Im not denying that the current militias and insurgents arent doing the same barbaric acts, but my question is WHO STARTED IT??? WHO ALLOWED IT??? So am I an ungrateful Iraqi for saying that Bush made mistakes??? Again I guess I am by your definition. Am I an ungrateful Iraqi for trying to find a solution by having the troops stay and fix what they broke??? I guess I am by your definition. Am I an ungrateful Iraqi because I blame Bush for what has happened during and after March 03??? I guess I am by your definition. Am I an ungrateful Iraqi for wanting my people to live a safe and secure life??? I guess I am by your definition.

But you know what, you in the States are the ones ignorant for not wanting to see or hear the truth. You are the ones that hate reading the Iraqi blogs who talk about suffering, daily suffering caused by the mayhem we are in. You are the radicals for thinking that Bush is a god and what he did was something every single Iraqi should be grateful for the rest of their lives. Yup, we should all kneel down and hail the mr every waking hour. So really its an interesting insight. A lose lose situation, whatever I say and whatever I do, people from both ends of the globe see me as one, a traitor and two, an ungrateful saddam loyalist. I like that. But still confuses the hell outta me. So make your minds up. Should I allow the children of my own country be blown up and used as pawns just because YOU want the militias and insurgents rule??? Or should I allow the blood of my own countrymen flow because the Americans believe that its high time their troops withdraw and its now Iraqi people's problem to solve???

Look at yesterday's events. While Maliki and Moon were having their conference when suddenly BOOM, an explosion takes place. Moon ducks down and is scared to his wits. Imagine that every day and every night, the average Iraqi, the kids, the babies, listen to these bombs. They live with these sounds. The sad part is, they became so immune to it. Maliki didnt even flinch. Even funnier was when he was stating how well the Baghdad security plan is going. What bullshit. Even the media, the media keeps comparing the number of deaths. Umm, if the plan was so successful, why should they find bodies scattered in the streets in the first place. No the plan isnt working because they gave the militias ample time to leave. They left, and they will be back. Those cowards.

So anyhow, although I hate talking about the past and pointing fingers, instead of finding solutions, I had to get it out of my system. Im just a normal Iraqi, trying to make a difference. Whether its working or not, atleast I know that after I leave this place I tried my best. And I really am trying my best. Im trying my best in my own special way. I may not be an engineer, building things, but I am a human, who at the end of the day, believes in human life. The Precious Iraqi Human Life...

Four years on, but at times it seems like an eternity and at others it seems like only yesterday. It was only yesterday that I sat watching in horror the so called shock and awe blasting my beloved Baghdad. It was only yesterday that I sat there shocked to my core. It was only yesterday that I heard my cousin's voice on the phone asking me to pray for them. "Pray for us Neurotica, please pray for us" he pleaded.

But it also seems like an eternity. An eternity that took so many lives. An eternity that drove people apart. An eternity that broke so many hopes so many dreams. This war hardened people up, this war made some cruel, made others savages. This war brought a new found democracy. A Democracy of crime and corruption. A democracy of lawlessness and lifelessness. Yes this is the democracy that people were hoping for. A democracy invaded by rapists and criminals. A democracy invaded by kidnappers and animals. Fours years on...

This war brought a new found freedom. Oh yes, a freedom that frees the predator and captures the prey. A freedom that awards the rapist and ignores the victim. This is the new found freedom. A freedom that strangles the innocent and lets go of the barbarian. Four years on...

Four years on and children are still being orphaned and wives widowed. Four years on, and you see tears, tears of fathers, tears of mothers flowing slowly down their cheeks mourning their children, mourning their one and only. Yeah four years on...

Four years on and while the world listen to their Ipods, Ipods filled with their favourate music, Iraqis listen to daily mortars, explosions, bombings and helicopters. Four years on while the children of the world play their Wii's, Iraqi children sleep the nights in fear. Will I live or will I die they think to themselves. Will the Americans come and get me or will the Iraqi baddies take me away. Yes Four years on...

Four years on and its your sect, name or tribe that controls your life. Controls your livelihood. YOU have no control anymore. You shove your planner in the trash and wait. Wait for tomorrow. If tomorrow ever comes. He says it wont take weeks but months. MONTHS??? Its been FOUR bloody years and you're saying MONTHS???? How many more months? How many more years can this go on? How many more black banners will it take??? How many??? But no, no I dont blame you. I blame us. I blame that purple ink that gave these people the power. I blame us for paving the road to these criminals.

There were rallies, rallies against the war, rallies to get the troops out. The war and it happened, so I dont really see the point of rallying against something that took place already, a waste of time, a waste of energy. Rallying for troop pull out, now thats a crime. A crime against humanity. Too easy. Easy for you to rally against the troops. You dont understand the meaning of that. You cant understand the meaning of that. If you're rallying for the Iraqi people then you are wrong. Very wrong. The media, CNN, Sky News and the rest that bring on people and zoom the screen on them while they say " we want the americans out, we want the troops out" are committing even more of a heinious crime. People talk, but they dont know what they are saying and what consequences this will bring. Do you really believe that Iraqis will live in peace and harmony if the troops leave just like that??? Do you???

This is what will take place, if the troops pull out very soon, with the current useless, divided, corrupt government still in place, the militias will fight each other, stuggling for the chair, the arab jihadists will fight for their so called "Islamic" state. The Iraqi christians will perish, the thousands upon thousands of Iraqis that worked with the coalition forces will be butchered. The normal Iraqis will be tortured and killed. It will be the utmost struggle for power. The Iranians will intervene and hakeem will give them the south on a plate of gold. The turks will try and get the Kurds. The central piece will be fought over by all parties. You will have burqa women roaming the streets, that is if they even can do that. You will see children being taught how to fight with guns and kill. Iraq will no longer be the land between the two rivers. Oh no, it wont be. The bloody Iraq today will even be more bloodier. More deadly.

It was an easy life, and an easy death for Saddam, but its not gonna be an easy invasion and an easy retreat for the Forces. YOU broke it, YOU fix it. WE voted, WE TAKE THEM OUT. It has to be a joint effort. You have been putting your hands in the devils claws, for once Bush and Blair, just for once, before you leave your powerful chair, do something good, do something comendable. For once Bush and Blair, just this once, do something for the IRAQI PEOPLE, the Innocent Iraqi people. Support them in their times of need. HELP THEM. Give them a safe haven. Dont you think they deserve it? Dont you think that after all these years, these people's lives are worth saving???

Open the doors for them, give them hope. Give them a new life. YOU took it away, so YOU have to give it back. You cant just leave. You cant just leave without helping them. Allow them in your own countries, not as refugees, no, but as citizens, real citizens. Dont give chances to only a few, for no child managed to work as a translater, dont you think that an orphaned 5 yr old deserves to live???Give them an education, steer them away from all this mayhem. Until all this ends, until one day these children can go back to their country and help rebuild it. And when I say rebuild it, I dont mean painting walls, and putting tiles. I mean rebuild it in a true sense of the word.

I may be called a traitor, I may be called a collaborator, but I know, I know that Im helping those who I can help. Even in the smallest way, Im trying, IM trying my best. You broke a whole nation, you broke their hopes, you shattered their dreams. I think you owe them something, something big. You owe them their LIVES!!! You owe the world, you owe your own people a life. A safe life. Yes four years on...Four Years on, But sadly it has become an eternity. An Endless Eternity...

Yesterday, I decided to put my so called "journalistic" talent, (which I know I have none) to fruition. I was asked by a certain well known news agency to record a few things for them. They even suggested sending me an MP3 recorder here, but I decided while I was in Abu Dhabi, to get my own. Having been kinda depressed and not really in the mood, I only managed to take out the recorder from its box yesterday. I was so excited that I finally was gonna put it to use.

Waiting for me eagerly was N (aka as the carpenter). We went and sat in the courtyard, the place I usually smoke in, and started the interview. I asked him about life during Saddam, I asked him about life now. I asked him about his dreams and hopes. It was a good 20 minutes, during which a few people came and went. I didnt really think much of it. At one time, WOB came out for a smoke, then 5 minutes later she was accompanied by one of the big shots in our organisation. Again, I didnt think much of it, although I did catch them staring at us. As I was wrapping up the interview, WOB came out AGAIN and told me to see her afterwards. N got worried, and started panicing.

I went inside and asked her what the matter was, she said "Mr Big shot (BS) is asking what were you doing, since you arent a public affairs person, and you may be breaching the security protocol" Then she continued "BS doesnt want you to know that he is the one asking, but would like me to ask you and then tell him, he also mentioned that a week ago, a lady was caught interviewing someone and head of security came in the office, handcuffed her and then denied her entry to the GZ". Ofcourse while I was standing there listening to WOB, the image of me being handcuffed didnt really seem agreeable in my mind. Hmmm, I thought to myself, there is no way in hell Im gonna tell WOB that I have a blog, nor am I gonna let her play me. So I said well thanx for telling me, but Id rather talk to BS in person, I hate beating behind the bush. She freaked out and told me not to go directly. But I wouldnt have it, I mean why would HE not confront me. Out of all people why did he go to WOB!!!

I called my HUBBY, who incidently was in AD on a business trip and was having lunch at my parents. I told him the whole story, and he just asked me to stay calm. "Whats the worst thing they can do??? Send you home???"Umm yeah HUBBY, send me home in hand cuffs, NO THANX!!!The image of me being handcuffed kept popping in my mind. Besides I was also worried about N's job. Damn I said to myself, I thanked HUBBY for being such a great help and went to smoke my lungs out. Five minutes later, my brother calls me telling me exactly what to do. I was so impressed with my brother's quick thinking and I immediately went to N praying to God that he knows an Iraqi poem. For the love of God, he did. We recorded the poem, (which turned out to be an amazing one) deleted the amazing interview and I went an wrote an email to BS telling him that first, I didnt know I was breaking any laws since I was doing it out in the open, second I didnt know that recording a poem was in breach of security. By then, I felt more at ease, and calmed N down who seemed sick to his stomach.

On my way back to my room, at night, I bumped into BS, who told me that he was trying to protect me, because a girl did get arrested etc...Out of no where my MP3 instruction manual fell on the floor, and I felt as if it was an act of God to save me. I said to BS, look I even have the manual because its the first time I use it, N and I were just playing around with it, we recorded a nice poem, you wanna hear it? Its in Iraqi. BS just smiled and said he trusted me. Man, that really was a close call. I mean really a close one. If it wasnt for my bro I dunno what I would have done. There was no way I would come up with any excuse at my moment of panic. So much for my journalistic dream and my MP3 recorder!!! I felt my privacy got violated. Its like the Big Brother watching your moves 24/7. When I say this is a prison, it really is. Im pretty sure they're probably monitoring my calls and my internet (infact I know they are since as I was trying to host the poem at webhosting site, I got a site that said your internet usage is monitored and logged!!!). Theyre probably even reading my blog this second while I write this. Yayyyyyyyyy...

Im gonna leave it at that, and lay low for a few days. Maybe will post something in a few days relating what was in that interview. I still am kicking myself for deleting it, but I didnt want to risk N's only income, incase they confiscated my MP3. Im sure WOB would have had a field day seeing me in handcuffs. She actually mentioned something about telling BS I may have a blog and that Im using the recording for that purpose. I had no clue that WOB knows anything about blogs, she doesnt really look the type. But you never know, she may even know about this one. God...Yeah Headline news, Neurotica detained handcuffed in the GZ. Oh well, so if you dont hear from me, then you probably should get worried.

Im gonna post the poem as I really loved it, it talks about a man falling inlove with a christian lady. The words are so beautiful, if I translate it in English it will lose its lustre. This is for you bro, for saving my A** for the umpteenth time...A Poem, A poem for you Bro...

Listen to The Poem

PS:I have no clue embedding it directly.If anyone knows please do tell me.

I do apologize for not writing and thanx to everyone who sent me emails and left comments asking about my well being. Im fine, dont worry about me. I guess my lack of words was caused by my aunt's death and everything else thats going around me. Ive been mourning her and mourning my old self as well by being silent. Complete and utter silence. I tried many times to write, I would start up blogger, write a few sentences then stop. I would stare at the screen for a long long time, then just switch my laptop off. My words, my words felt empty. I felt empty. Its like Im living a double life. One is struggling to deal with reality but silently, the other is pretending to deal with the cocoon enclave of the GZ. Im not even sure if Im making any sense right now.

When my brother broke the news of my aunt passing away a few weeks back, I went silent for a few seconds. I had to control all the emotions that were going through me at that moment. I didnt wanna break down and cry in the middle of the office. I didnt wanna show my tears to anyone. I kept it hidden deep down inside but the minute I reached my room, a few hours later, I let it all out. I let all my sadness, my anger my frustrations out. I locked the door and hid in the corner and cried. Cried like I havent cried before. I cried so hard that I choked on my tears. I couldnt stop. I guess I didnt wanna stop. I wanted it all out.

I came to realise that this place is unhealthy. Very unhealthy for one's mental health. No matter how much you try to hide it, no matter how much you pretend that you're dealing with the situation as well as anyone, there's a point in time where you just crack. My aunt's death was that small trigger my mind was waiting for, waiting for to break. My words, the words that Id type were empty. I realised that there's nothing I can do to bring back my aunt. There's nothing that I can do to bring back all the good people that lost their lives. Lost their lives because of Iraq. Yes my aunt lost her life because of this place. Had there been good enough doctors to detect the cancer, she wouldnt have ended the way she did. Had my other aunt gotten TB vaccination, she wouldnt have died because of an illness whose cure is widely available in the whole world except Iraq!!! Had my aunt's husband survived his depression of what was going on around him during the first gulf war, he wouldnt have chosen to give up. Yes everyone I ever loved, everyone I ever cherished, everyone who made my childhood memories of this place beautiful, disappeared. Disappeared because of this country. Gone because of Iraq.

One guy, H, said to me the other day, I wish I can belong. I wish I can belong to some other place. I wish I can belong. I looked at him confused, but You do belong. You belong here. He shook his head and said you know what I do every night? I ask god to make me belong. I got alot of critisicm because I say the truth in my blog. People cant stand this place anymore. Yet I get comments that what I write is Bullshit. I get comments that I shouldn't complain and instead find solutions. What solutions do I have to make this place a better place? I have already cited these. I cited them and then what?

I hold my head up high because Im Iraqi, but the question is, am I really one??? I wear my Iraqi map close to my heart, I wear a bracelet that has the word Iraq on it, I even wore a tshirt that has "Im Iraqi" in arabic on it. But why??? Why do I do that. Is it because Im trying to prove a point to all those who have given up??? How can I be giving hope when I myself have lost it. Or maybe because I myself am trying to belong. Im trying to belong to a place that got so fragmented, fragmented not only physically but mentally. Im trying to belong to a place that took many lives, dear lives because someone woke up one day and decided to break it.

Yes thats the truth. And you know whats even worse, whats worse is when you read idiotic comments on other sites coming from idiotic people, questioning the fact that Iraqis have a right to live, to live in other countries. How dare you talk about them as if theyre murderers!!! How dare you!!! Its easy for you to write petitions to your senators asking them not to bring Iraqis to the States, because as one put it, "they have seen hell back in their country, and so they will cause hell here, I don’t want a criminal as a neighbour!!!". Yeah this is the kind of attention Iraqis are seeking. This is the kind of kindness they are looking for. This is what Iraqis deserve. Doors getting slapped in their faces. Maybe H is right afterall. Maybe its better if he belongs somewhere else. But how can he, how can he when the word Iraq is written all over him. B, a colleague of mine said, the only baby thats doomed from the second it comes out of his mom's womb, is the Iraqi Baby. So true. Words that keep resonating in my ears. That small bundle of a miracle, is doomed before he even takes his first breath.

A few weeks back some guy committed suicide. All I can say he wasn’t Iraqi. I cant say if he was in the army or a contractor. But in a second of helplessness he took his life away. The life that people here, the Iraqi people, are trying to relinquish in any way or form. Ofcourse the incident was kept hush hush, why would they wanna tell anyone that this war is taking its toll on their own. Why would they want the world to know the truth? Because of that incident we had to take a mandatory class called "suicide prevention". Im glad I went to it. It was very informative and eye opening. Sometimes, people just let go. Let go and allow their weaknesses take over. Its not easy ending ones life. It really aint.

So yes this place takes its toll, but you wander, you wander how the Iraqi people endure all the destruction and mayhem yet their only desire in life is to go on living. You wander how these courageous people do it. Although their only goal is to live, you can see that the point of meltdown is nearing. I know they wont take their own lives, cuz I know they are resilient, but I do know, I do know from all those around me, depression is making its way to them. The consequences of their living circumstances is far more volatile than you think. I asked Dr A whats wrong and he plainly said Im depressed. I asked Z, whats wrong? and he immediately answered Im depressed. In a country were men are supposed to be strong and unbreakable, they are indeed losing their grip.

I think Ive rambled enough, I didnt get a chance to wave good bye to my beloved aunt, but I did get a chance to say adios to my old self. The smile that used to come so easily from the heart, now struggles. For even when Im smiling, deep down Im being torn apart. Torn apart while Im trying to belong. This place teaches you how to become an actor. A professional actor whose emotions are suppressed by silent desires. I just learnt that my father got ill. Got ill and nobody informed me. No one informed me because they know I will worry myself to death. Thats how I am. I still have that uneasy feeling, even when everyone assured me he is getting better, much better. But you see, it is my father who taught me to always be strong. He never showed us his sadness, he never showed us his stress. Behind that beautiful smile he always exhibited, lay tons of worries. Worries that he only knows of. When I spoke to him to give him my condolences for my aunt, the first thing I said, Dad, dad please, please let it all out. Let it all out and dont keep it inside. For I know what keeping it inside can do.

As for here, the Iraqi government decided to take Saddam's Swords down, the ones in the GZ. Although the action was suddenly stopped, yet it baffled me that they believe by taking monuments down, they will erase history. Oh how little do they know. History can never be erased. History is, was and always will be engraved. If not engraved in the minds, then engraved in the earth. The Iraqi earth...