neurotic Iraqi wife
October 02, 2006
Emptiness of the Heart...UPDATED
This sleeping the whole day business is getting on my nerves. For the past 2 days I get into bed at around 5 am, clutch my duvet cover and try to get some sleep. Two minutes later my eyes are wide open. I stare at the ceiling, hoping that maybe out of boredom I will fall asleep. Nope, Wrong. Eyes still wide open. Day before yesterday I grab the bag of books I bought a week ago and took out a book called Burned Alive. A true story of a Palestinian lady that was burned alive. I was so gripped by the very first page, that I continued to read until I actually managed to finish the story. Its nothing, around 200 pages. I looked at my watch and it was 730 AM. Darn, Im still not sleepy. I get out of bed, look outside the window, and for the first time ever since Ramadan started I can actually see daylight...
I walked to the living room, and there I see my ashtray, still filled with the cig butts that I have consumed earlier. If only I can have one cig, just one, I think to myself. But then I would break my fast. So I sit in my favourate corner and just keep staring at the ashtray. I started looking around. Looking around at everything. The floor, the walls, the curtains, the couches, the pictures, the shades, the scented candles. The african statues that I absolutely adore. The Indian cushions we got from Malaysia. And it hit me. All the hard work Ive put in this place is for nothing. Nothing at all. The nest that I once dreamed of having and failed. A small tear trickled down my cheeks. Im gonna miss this place. I really am. I walk into the kitchen and there it is. The infamous Ice dispenser fridge. I opened it and immediately forgot my sorrow, for all the fridge has are the coke cans that HUBBY bought before he left. I laughed to myself. This is sad, really sad.
Theres this Egyptian saying "gat il hazeena tifrah, mali2atshi matrah" which basically means the sad woman became happy but she couldnt find a place for her happiness. I think this time Im extremely anxious in going back to Baghdad. Not fear from mortars or rockets. No, but to leave my family behind yet again. Im gonna worry about them. Im the worrier, maybe thats why Im always stressed out. Right now Im looking at this empty frame. A frame that I was hoping to fill with pictures. Pictures of me, HUBBY and our new Life. Our New Life that I pictured so clearly in my mind. Wish I was gifted as an artist, I think I would have drawn awesome pictures. I guess the picture frame has to wait. Has to wait and bare the emptiness for awhile. The Emptiness of the Heart...
*NEWS FLASH* Its bloody 900am and I AM STILL AWAKE!!! Please god Help me, I have become an Insomniac... So again, I come here and sit on my favourate chair. Actually I dont really sit, umm I perch up. And I started browsing through my photo albums. Im fasting mind you...
Pic 1: This is what we call a typical Iraqi Breakfast (Gaymar oo samoon) Yummmm.
Right now, Im drooling...
Pic 2: My favourate Iraqi Dish (Masgoof) Its fish Grilled the IRAQI Way. Its like no other fish you have ever tried
I think my saliva has reached my neck...Hold on, lemme wipe it...eeeewwww
Pic 3: Yup, Ice cream made in Iraq...wowwwww... Umm, can I break my fast now???
If only I can eat as much as my eyes, then I wouldnt weigh 41 Kilos. And I wouldnt have my parents talk to me about my food intake. My mom called me anorexic today, or was it lastnight??? Oh, Yeah I forgot its morning the next day now...I lost all the kilos I gained in the US, and as far as Ramadan in concerned, Im just having soup...I think Im anxious sub consciously.
Pic 4: Im still staring at my ashtray and my expired Cigs...
Hmm, another 9 more hours to go until I can have my coffee, and my much needed poison. I better go and do something useful with myself. I decided that I will stay up, instead of sleeping so late, umm sorry meant early. Its 930am, so that means if I do get to sleep, I will only wake up with the Maghrib Prayers (Breaking the fast time). Which will mean yet another day wasted. So no, Im gonna do like the cartoons, and get those matches and keep my eye lids open. I guess by the time its 10 pm, I will be so dead, that I will go and sleep like normal people!!! Right now, Im just gonna take a walk through the blogosphere then do something more useful like get ready for my Iraq trip that is gonna be in a few more days...
I walked to the living room, and there I see my ashtray, still filled with the cig butts that I have consumed earlier. If only I can have one cig, just one, I think to myself. But then I would break my fast. So I sit in my favourate corner and just keep staring at the ashtray. I started looking around. Looking around at everything. The floor, the walls, the curtains, the couches, the pictures, the shades, the scented candles. The african statues that I absolutely adore. The Indian cushions we got from Malaysia. And it hit me. All the hard work Ive put in this place is for nothing. Nothing at all. The nest that I once dreamed of having and failed. A small tear trickled down my cheeks. Im gonna miss this place. I really am. I walk into the kitchen and there it is. The infamous Ice dispenser fridge. I opened it and immediately forgot my sorrow, for all the fridge has are the coke cans that HUBBY bought before he left. I laughed to myself. This is sad, really sad.
Theres this Egyptian saying "gat il hazeena tifrah, mali2atshi matrah" which basically means the sad woman became happy but she couldnt find a place for her happiness. I think this time Im extremely anxious in going back to Baghdad. Not fear from mortars or rockets. No, but to leave my family behind yet again. Im gonna worry about them. Im the worrier, maybe thats why Im always stressed out. Right now Im looking at this empty frame. A frame that I was hoping to fill with pictures. Pictures of me, HUBBY and our new Life. Our New Life that I pictured so clearly in my mind. Wish I was gifted as an artist, I think I would have drawn awesome pictures. I guess the picture frame has to wait. Has to wait and bare the emptiness for awhile. The Emptiness of the Heart...
*NEWS FLASH* Its bloody 900am and I AM STILL AWAKE!!! Please god Help me, I have become an Insomniac... So again, I come here and sit on my favourate chair. Actually I dont really sit, umm I perch up. And I started browsing through my photo albums. Im fasting mind you...
Pic 1: This is what we call a typical Iraqi Breakfast (Gaymar oo samoon) Yummmm.
Right now, Im drooling...
Pic 2: My favourate Iraqi Dish (Masgoof) Its fish Grilled the IRAQI Way. Its like no other fish you have ever tried
I think my saliva has reached my neck...Hold on, lemme wipe it...eeeewwww
Pic 3: Yup, Ice cream made in Iraq...wowwwww... Umm, can I break my fast now???
If only I can eat as much as my eyes, then I wouldnt weigh 41 Kilos. And I wouldnt have my parents talk to me about my food intake. My mom called me anorexic today, or was it lastnight??? Oh, Yeah I forgot its morning the next day now...I lost all the kilos I gained in the US, and as far as Ramadan in concerned, Im just having soup...I think Im anxious sub consciously.
Pic 4: Im still staring at my ashtray and my expired Cigs...
Hmm, another 9 more hours to go until I can have my coffee, and my much needed poison. I better go and do something useful with myself. I decided that I will stay up, instead of sleeping so late, umm sorry meant early. Its 930am, so that means if I do get to sleep, I will only wake up with the Maghrib Prayers (Breaking the fast time). Which will mean yet another day wasted. So no, Im gonna do like the cartoons, and get those matches and keep my eye lids open. I guess by the time its 10 pm, I will be so dead, that I will go and sleep like normal people!!! Right now, Im just gonna take a walk through the blogosphere then do something more useful like get ready for my Iraq trip that is gonna be in a few more days...
9 Comments:
Fear of the expected, especially with preparation to travel, again!. Another reason, emptiness because of this whole instability in your life, and Ramadan of course, all this making you SOOOO awake.
Why you become angry quickly when you are fasting???
What brand do you smoke again?
If we didn't talk, good luck with your trip, be safe and looking forward to more of your writings
NIW,
Allahhh, Shaheteeni 3al masgooof.
My dad is so profissional making masgoof, we have that each Friday...I am inviting you to come to our house on any Friday that you pick, you will enjoy that, my sister make the Khalta it consists of fried onion, parsely, noomi basrah and cary...I cook the rice, my dad buy Iraqi bread, all you have to do is to ring the bell and you are good to go :)
Your story is touching. Are you going back to Iraq for good? Do you want to go back?
As for the food, it looks delicious, I’ve never tried Iraqi food and I’ve never seen an Iraqi restaurant in the states or in Tunisia. It’s always Moroccan or Lebanese :(
Marshmallow26, it is the typical iraqi breakfast in the picture that made me soooo feeling hungry lol
That's beside the cigarettes in the ashtray
Neurotic Iraqi Wife tortured us with these photos lol
Neurotic wife...what does that breakfast consist of? I've never heard of it...is it salty or sweet?
Looks good whatever it is...I'm not fasting and that made me hungry :)
All the food looked delicious. Even more so if you were fasting. lol! What do you season the fish with?
My prescription for gaining weight is one nice thick chocolate shake a day. That should do it! :)
But, you should try to give up the cigarettes, though. Not good for you at all! ;)
MixMode, I know, this instability is driving me crazy I think. But Im trying to deal with it as best as I can...
MM, Ok, deal. Wallah Im serious. Now that HUBBY wont be with me, I can go anywhere, hehe...We also had a masgoof ritual every firday when we were in Baghdad. There was a small restaurant called the Green Zone cafe, its basically a tent. We used to go every friday and have masgoof, the highlight of our weekend. But then ever since jaafari took over they closed down the restaurant and we waved goodbye to masgoof. ;-(
Hey Leilouta, welcome to my blog. I thoroughly enjoy yours. You make me laugh all the time. As for Baghdad, well both HUBBY and I got job offers there. I didnt really wanna go, but didnt wanna leave HUBBY alone. Iraqi restaurants, hmm, im not sure but I heard there are a few in detroit, since theres a large Iraqi community there.
MixMax, la3ad anee shagool...I was dying here...
DS, the breakfeast basically consists of cream, something similar to clotted dream. You eat it with the bread and date syrup (dibis)....Yummm...its a sweet thing.
Lynette, I know tell me abt it...I was literally drooling. I have no clue what the seasoning is. (Im an amateur in Iraqi cooking) But I think MM described the seasoning. Im not sure what noomi basra is in english...Sry cant help u there...But all I can say, its the most delicious fish dish ever!!!
Salamtik NIW, and I am sure that you are doing your best.
Wish you all happiness
you go girl...i just wanted to say that as a casual reader of your blog. your wonderful writing continually restores my hope in the future. may God be with you.
-an american soldier
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