neurotic Iraqi wife
August 31, 2006
Heavenly Chocolate....
I think Ive caught a disease...a disease thats called writing phobia...Yup...I have a phobia from writing...Ive been trying to post something for the past week...Everytime I do...I start a few lines then I stop...I stop and cant continue anymore...Its the worst feeling ever...The worst feeling cuz writing is my only salvation...
For the past 2 weeks I have been trying to convince HUBBY not to go back to Baghdad...But it seems that he has made his mind up already... In the end I had to give him an ultimatum....I know I musnt but that was the only way to do it...I said either me or Iraq HUBBY....either me or Iraq...He didnt answer for a few minutes...Then he said, ofcourse you...Yeah right, ofcourse me yet he is still going back... I started to wander....wander about marriage and what it really means...For me marriage is commitment...marriage is settling down...marriage is about compromise and understanding....Yet I dont really see that happening or maybe Im just blind to see it...
Everyone is been telling me "do your own thing"...I cant do my own thing when I dunno where HUBBY will be...I thought being married is staying together...I thought being married is about sharing the remaining years of your life with someone...with someone you love and care about...HUBBY says whats a year or two...A year or 2 of living like a nomad...At first I was pretty upset... Then I tried to weigh things out...If he goes to Iraq, Im planning to go with him...Infact I contacted my ex boss and asked if there was a possibility of me resuming my job there...At first he wrote back saying that they arent hiring any more people...fair enough...I left it at that...But a few days later, I received another email from him asking me to make a decision so he can start the procedures...Hmm...Apparantely he was waiting to talk it out with the front office in the States... He got the OK and asked me to give him an answer....
I didnt really tell HUBBY about it at first...I knew the minute I tell him, he will be more encouraged to go back... I stayed quiet for sometime...Hoping....praying that something might come up here...But no...nothing...In the end I had to tell him...He said go for it....keep your options open...I wrote back to R and said tell me what I need to do to go back... Ofcourse all this is done without my parents knowing... my father wont be a problem, its my mom... She already was pretty upset when I hinted that HUBBY was planning to go back to Iraq....Infact, after I uttered the words HUBBY and Iraq, umm, my ear drums kinda aquired a hole....Then she stopped talking to me for a few days... I guess like all mothers, she just wants to see me settled down with a career and kids....As for kids, I mentioned that Im not ready at the moment....And that is a true statement...She was shocked and gave me the "years are passing you by and you will miss the train" kinda lecture... I used HUBBY's statement and said "whats a year or 2"....
There is no way I will bring a human being to this world without being able to provide a safe and stable home... To imagine dragging the poor kid every few months is definitely a no no... And thats really a great pity...I used to always crave for the love of a child...Always...But I have to use my brains for now and not give in to emotions...I think thats what marriage taught me...I used to always be someone that uses emotions as my guideline...emotions got me no where...infact my emotions just stressed me out more... Using my head was the best solution...And thats what I have been doing for the past month or so... hence my lack of writing ability....
Right now HUBBY has gone to the States...I was supposed to travel with him but decided to stay a few more days to spend more time with my family...Im actually heading there tomorrow... not really looking forward to the whole journey with all the security hassles... Im glad that they have become more rigid but its the questioning part and the delay that Im kinda dreading...Although Im a british citizen, I am afterall an Iraqi...Last time I had to wait 3 hours in miami airport until they let me go...Three darn hours!!! When I asked them what the problem was, they just said "this is a standard procedure for all those born in specific countries"... Yup wherever we go the word "Iraq" becomes a hazard....its like a flashing sign "BEWARE AN IRAQI IS HERE"... Funny cuz you woulda thought that people might try to be more sympathetic, but noooooo....An Iraqi is a threat to the world's safety....I with a British passport will wait 3 hours, I wander how many gruelling hours would an Iraqi with an Iraqi passport would withstand...Although, truth to be told, the officer was extremely nice to me and apologetic...Unlike some Arab countries where they treat you like shit and talk down to you... Thats the West for you I guess...
So yup, I will be packing my bag and off I go...Im looking forward to some relaxation...Although thats all I have been doing here, but I am in need of a change of scenery... Just somewhere different...Somewhere where I can get real chocolate pancakes!!! Just like Ihop...yummm...Ive been sleeping alone in our little nest... First few days felt strange...I cleaned the house inside out and for the first time, it stayed that way...CLEAN....There were no coke cans lying around...or cig ashes on the floor... The smell of flash and dettol dominating the entrance...Wow some freshness... I also was busy doing DIY stuff...Infact thats one of my greatest achievements....This place lacks storage...I mean there were no closets etc...except for the kitchen...
We custom made our cupboards, but that was just enough for our clothes...Nothing for shoes and towels etc...I went to home center, a place similar to home depot...although home depot is all DIY this place has just a few DIY things and the rest is ready made ready to deliver...I got shoe rails and began my journey with DIY... It took me an hour to put it all together...At first I didnt know which nail went where....but by the time I was done, I had the biggest smile ever...I know its stupid to be happy about doing something like that, but it felt good... After completing the rails, I immediately filled it with my shoes...Umm I got 60 pocket holes and yet I still had more shoes outside...As I filled all the shoe pockets, I took one last look and left the room....A few hours later, I took a peek and needless to say, the rail collapsed....LOL....I just couldnt believe it...After all the work Ive put in...
I guess 60 pairs of shoes where kinda too heavy on that poor rail... Besides I stopped wearing all those high heeled stylish shoes...Eversince I went to Baghdad, Ive been sticking to trainers...Maybe I should give some of them away....Shoes....shoes my beloved addiction...actually my ex addiction.... you change somehow after Iraq...Or maybe thats just me... I did fix the rail yesterday but ever since then Iv been hearing popping sounds...Am too afraid to check on its state...dreading the sight that would be afore me....anyhow...I think Ive rambled enough for today... Not sure if I will be able to blog while Im away but if I do get the chance then I will definitely keep you updated on the yummy chocolate pancakes that I will be shoving down my throat...mmmm....Chocolate....Heavenly Chocolate....
PS: I cant believe its been 2 years since I started this Blog...Wow 2 years and its the same darn dilemma...Oh well...C'est la vie...
For the past 2 weeks I have been trying to convince HUBBY not to go back to Baghdad...But it seems that he has made his mind up already... In the end I had to give him an ultimatum....I know I musnt but that was the only way to do it...I said either me or Iraq HUBBY....either me or Iraq...He didnt answer for a few minutes...Then he said, ofcourse you...Yeah right, ofcourse me yet he is still going back... I started to wander....wander about marriage and what it really means...For me marriage is commitment...marriage is settling down...marriage is about compromise and understanding....Yet I dont really see that happening or maybe Im just blind to see it...
Everyone is been telling me "do your own thing"...I cant do my own thing when I dunno where HUBBY will be...I thought being married is staying together...I thought being married is about sharing the remaining years of your life with someone...with someone you love and care about...HUBBY says whats a year or two...A year or 2 of living like a nomad...At first I was pretty upset... Then I tried to weigh things out...If he goes to Iraq, Im planning to go with him...Infact I contacted my ex boss and asked if there was a possibility of me resuming my job there...At first he wrote back saying that they arent hiring any more people...fair enough...I left it at that...But a few days later, I received another email from him asking me to make a decision so he can start the procedures...Hmm...Apparantely he was waiting to talk it out with the front office in the States... He got the OK and asked me to give him an answer....
I didnt really tell HUBBY about it at first...I knew the minute I tell him, he will be more encouraged to go back... I stayed quiet for sometime...Hoping....praying that something might come up here...But no...nothing...In the end I had to tell him...He said go for it....keep your options open...I wrote back to R and said tell me what I need to do to go back... Ofcourse all this is done without my parents knowing... my father wont be a problem, its my mom... She already was pretty upset when I hinted that HUBBY was planning to go back to Iraq....Infact, after I uttered the words HUBBY and Iraq, umm, my ear drums kinda aquired a hole....Then she stopped talking to me for a few days... I guess like all mothers, she just wants to see me settled down with a career and kids....As for kids, I mentioned that Im not ready at the moment....And that is a true statement...She was shocked and gave me the "years are passing you by and you will miss the train" kinda lecture... I used HUBBY's statement and said "whats a year or 2"....
There is no way I will bring a human being to this world without being able to provide a safe and stable home... To imagine dragging the poor kid every few months is definitely a no no... And thats really a great pity...I used to always crave for the love of a child...Always...But I have to use my brains for now and not give in to emotions...I think thats what marriage taught me...I used to always be someone that uses emotions as my guideline...emotions got me no where...infact my emotions just stressed me out more... Using my head was the best solution...And thats what I have been doing for the past month or so... hence my lack of writing ability....
Right now HUBBY has gone to the States...I was supposed to travel with him but decided to stay a few more days to spend more time with my family...Im actually heading there tomorrow... not really looking forward to the whole journey with all the security hassles... Im glad that they have become more rigid but its the questioning part and the delay that Im kinda dreading...Although Im a british citizen, I am afterall an Iraqi...Last time I had to wait 3 hours in miami airport until they let me go...Three darn hours!!! When I asked them what the problem was, they just said "this is a standard procedure for all those born in specific countries"... Yup wherever we go the word "Iraq" becomes a hazard....its like a flashing sign "BEWARE AN IRAQI IS HERE"... Funny cuz you woulda thought that people might try to be more sympathetic, but noooooo....An Iraqi is a threat to the world's safety....I with a British passport will wait 3 hours, I wander how many gruelling hours would an Iraqi with an Iraqi passport would withstand...Although, truth to be told, the officer was extremely nice to me and apologetic...Unlike some Arab countries where they treat you like shit and talk down to you... Thats the West for you I guess...
So yup, I will be packing my bag and off I go...Im looking forward to some relaxation...Although thats all I have been doing here, but I am in need of a change of scenery... Just somewhere different...Somewhere where I can get real chocolate pancakes!!! Just like Ihop...yummm...Ive been sleeping alone in our little nest... First few days felt strange...I cleaned the house inside out and for the first time, it stayed that way...CLEAN....There were no coke cans lying around...or cig ashes on the floor... The smell of flash and dettol dominating the entrance...Wow some freshness... I also was busy doing DIY stuff...Infact thats one of my greatest achievements....This place lacks storage...I mean there were no closets etc...except for the kitchen...
We custom made our cupboards, but that was just enough for our clothes...Nothing for shoes and towels etc...I went to home center, a place similar to home depot...although home depot is all DIY this place has just a few DIY things and the rest is ready made ready to deliver...I got shoe rails and began my journey with DIY... It took me an hour to put it all together...At first I didnt know which nail went where....but by the time I was done, I had the biggest smile ever...I know its stupid to be happy about doing something like that, but it felt good... After completing the rails, I immediately filled it with my shoes...Umm I got 60 pocket holes and yet I still had more shoes outside...As I filled all the shoe pockets, I took one last look and left the room....A few hours later, I took a peek and needless to say, the rail collapsed....LOL....I just couldnt believe it...After all the work Ive put in...
I guess 60 pairs of shoes where kinda too heavy on that poor rail... Besides I stopped wearing all those high heeled stylish shoes...Eversince I went to Baghdad, Ive been sticking to trainers...Maybe I should give some of them away....Shoes....shoes my beloved addiction...actually my ex addiction.... you change somehow after Iraq...Or maybe thats just me... I did fix the rail yesterday but ever since then Iv been hearing popping sounds...Am too afraid to check on its state...dreading the sight that would be afore me....anyhow...I think Ive rambled enough for today... Not sure if I will be able to blog while Im away but if I do get the chance then I will definitely keep you updated on the yummy chocolate pancakes that I will be shoving down my throat...mmmm....Chocolate....Heavenly Chocolate....
PS: I cant believe its been 2 years since I started this Blog...Wow 2 years and its the same darn dilemma...Oh well...C'est la vie...
8 Comments:
Dear NIW,
As you said this is the life!!
I recommend you when you reach to the States, have fun, enjoy your days there, and spend such a relaxing time with HUBBY. Don't be scared of the security checks just think of what is coming next...
Bye and God be with ya.
Hi
Happy Blog Day. I included a link to your blog from mine; http://blogs.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/food/2006/08/blog_day_2006_eat_it_up.html
Sarah
YES!! You're doing the right thing, NIW! Go with your Hubby, wherever he goes. Make your decisions based on what you KNOW in your mind, not on what you FEEL at any one moment. Feelings change constantly. Knowledge remains true.
You KNOW you love Hubby. You KNOW Hubby loves you. You KNOW you both got married to be together. You KNOW Hubby would protect you with his life. You KNOW Hubby is motivated to make a difference right now, instead of settling down in suburbia. You KNOW you have many years left to "settle down". He's leading you into an adventurous and risky life. But, isn't that one of the things that attracted you to him in the first place?
I don't blame your mom for not agreeing with you and Hubby going back to Iraq. But, she has to allow you to live your own life, follow your own hearts, make your own mistakes and achieve your own victories. Let go of the "ought to" and "shoulds" that are based on other peoples' expectations of you. Be confident in yourself, and your marriage.
My God women are so complicated! I pity your husband
You mention your frustration with travel delays because you are an Iraqi, but you fail to mention any frustration whatsoever with your own people blowing things up all the time. It is because of these extremists in Iraq and other neighboring countries that you have to wait so long in airports.
Hey, NIW. Sounds like you've had one of those days when you're feeling generally low. But like it was said before on this post, go with what you KNOW about your husband. My husband's father moved his family around an awful lot, but the kids -- which were always tottering after the parents all over the map -- seemed to grow up with a really great perspective about the world. All of my husband's brothers have an appreciation for foreign cities, are comfortable around people from different backgrounds, etc. It will be an enriching experience -- as long as at some point down the road, Hubby takes your needs into serious consideration, and it's not all about where he wants to fly off to next.
Ignore "Anonymous." His wife/girlfriend/favorite prostitute probably just dumped him. How's that for uncomplicated, you tin-hearted jerk?
Hey Marshmallow, I just love that name, whenever I see your name, I start salvating and dreaming of yummy marshmallows...My time here has been ok so far...Trying to make the best of it...
Anon, I dont think its a good idea to go back to Iraq now, but lets see what happens...As the saying goes...If you cant beat 'em, join 'em...
LoL Anon...We are complicated arent we...And I too pity my HUBBY...
Hmm Anon, Have you read my posts or did you just come back from a journey from outerspace...All my posts are against the killings of Innicent people...All my posts are against the terrorists...So please before you judge me...know more about my views...Oh and I dont mind the rigid security I just hate the way its done...Dont think any European or US would appreciate the humiliation...
Anon...HUBBY said thats what I get by marrying an engineer...Hmm, should have read the fine print...lol...I guess I always liked to plan ahead, but right now Im just living the moment...Wanted to settle to start a family...Maybe that has to wait for now...
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