neurotic Iraqi wife
September 15, 2006
My Mental Tranquility...
In a few days I will be leaving the States. I have to admit, apart from the terrible incident I had at the airport, I kinda liked it here. What draws me to the place is the simplicity...The down to earth aura...You are you here, and not what people want you to be or expect you to be... Maybe thats the way I see it cuz I dont know anyone here except for HUBBY ofcourse and his friends...Back home, as in Abu Dhabi, its very different...You have to dress a certain way cuz of who you are, or who your parents are...Kinda like keeping up appearances...And I had to do the same back in London...But now, lets say 2 years back, I just got over that stuff, and found my own individuality...My parents never approved of my sense of dressing... Even as a teenager, they kept critisizing my jeans and tshirt outfits...I even told my mom on my wedding day "Mom, can I wear jeans when the Sheikh comes and marries us???" The horror on her face, I tell you was indescribable...Makes me laugh everytime I remember how her face contours just changed...
I guess hitting 30 made me realise that I am me, and made my family realise that I am ME...The awful spending that I did during my years in London and shopping for stuff I never needed is really beyond me...Now that I think about it, what a waste...Fastforward to the present time, Im as simple as can be...Discovered the joys of trainers 2 years ago and cant seem to leave them... The high heeled stilettos that are hanging on my new rails that I guess I will never get to enjoy are probably going to be inherited by my daughter, since you know how the fashion keeps repeating itself...Good for her... I also remembered the horror look on my mom's face when I was on my way to the airport recently... When she asked whether I was ready to go, I nodded and said yes am ready...Her cute face of hers gave me that typical look of horror and said " you're going to the airport like this???" Umm I looked at myself (white tshirt, tiny sweater, my jeans that are falling apart and my pink trainers that look like they have been living in a swamp for like a year) Umm yeah mom, why??? Ok atleast give me your trainers let me clean it for you... The horror face now became mine and I said "Huh!!! You must be kidding me mom...Thats the look now, the ragged look, I need to blend in" Ofcourse I was just teasing her, but I couldnt be bothered to take them off and do the laces again...thats how lazy I was that day....
But here, everything goes...I mean everything... And the demeanour...Its just so different....I cant actually believe Im saying this, cuz I never thought I would ever like living here, or even the prospect of living here...My home has always been where my parents are... ALWAYS...Not Iraq, since I never really lived there, nor London since that was just one of the stopovers of my journey of life...Home is definetly where my parents are...Be it anywhere, even in Timbuktoo... We are a very close knitted family... Our bond is extremely strong, and whenever one if us has a problem, the whole family gathers up and tries to come up with concotions of a solution, not always wise I tell you, but we always stick together... I dont even know where Im goin with this...
Oh I remember, the States...Well, I like it here...This place relaxes me... Just by sitting in the yard and looking over the lake, makes my erratic beahviour, lets say less erratic...Its similar to a massage, but instead of having one physically, Im having one mentally... The slight wind blows through my hair as I sit on the swing and smoke my cigarrette...The birds chirping above me, the trees swaying its branches slowly...The smell of fresh grass finding its way to my nostrils... The sun warming my body... its so tranquil, so quiet... No machines...No loud noises...No bad traffic...Its just me and the lake...Me and the lake having a quiet conversation...A telepathic conversation... With no squabbles, no quarrels... No mortars, no gun fire... Its just me and the lake...
Ive had an arguemnt today with HUBBY regarding me going back to Iraq... He is definitely going now, so my ultimate dream of settling down is on hold at the moment, or infact its a dream thats is lasting more than it should... But Im living with the fact that I cant change HUBBY's mind and so I decided to join him in his endeavour... After I signed the contract, HUBBY says "Dont go, I dont want you to go" Hmm, why HUBBY, I thought thats what we both wanted, besides why is it ok for you and not ok for me??? You will be alone there this time....I wont be with you, I probably wont even be in the GZ...Yeah and so??? What do you mean so??? You wont be with your husband...Umm, yeah and you wont be with your wife???
HUBBY just got at mad me, and thats just HUBBY...Imagine what Im gonna go through when I tell my mom....OMG, the horror mask again and the shrieking voice...Especially if she finds out that HUBBY wont be with me...Wow, I think I will have colourful fireworks going on then...Not something Im looking forward to... I cant blame her, but at the same time, Im old enough to make my own decisions...N'est pas???
I guess HUBBY's plan is to work in Baghdad for whatever time then come and settle here...His house is here, his friends are here...He lived half his life here...He hated Abu Dhabi...I believe its just a state of mind...Anyone who can withstand the trailers, the warehouse and the tiny cubicles of rooms that we had in Baghdad, would see anywhere as a luxury...Anyone who actually adapted to Baghdad with all the stress that accompanied it can withstand anything and anyplace... But HUBBY hated Abu Dhabi... I think its more of the way of life that he hated...The same as me, the keeping up with appearances... Although everyone got over mine and saw beyond the torn jeans and the swampy trainers... I think he should get over the idea of being restricted and just do as he pleases...wear his shorts and his sebagos... This look is very hip nowadays... Wow they probably think we are fashion addicts....eeeewwww....can never get over that either...How people purchase something just because its in all the magazines, when infact it looks horrible on them...Like those huge sunglasses...I mean I abhore them...All my face gets hidden if I wear one...Thank God for the Kids size shades I have...
So yeah, the States is definitely a place I wanna be in... particularly where Im at at the moment....very serene... very homey... very simple... away from pretentious people...away from gossip and who did what and what number is her current husband... I would like to live in a small house, on the lake with palm trees surrounding me and the suns rays warming me...It sounds like Baghdad, but with whats happening at the moment, I love my future children too much to force them to live in a society where hatred and killing is predominant...Its with great pain I say it, but Baghdad has no future, not now and not in 10 years...Maybe in 15 or 20, even then I have my doubts...I will leave it upto my children to decide their future and if Iraq is really a free and democractic nation then sans the militias and the sectarian differences, I will be the one to encourage them to go...But now, all I want is the lake and the serenity....The lake and the Tranquility...My Mental Tranquility.....
I guess hitting 30 made me realise that I am me, and made my family realise that I am ME...The awful spending that I did during my years in London and shopping for stuff I never needed is really beyond me...Now that I think about it, what a waste...Fastforward to the present time, Im as simple as can be...Discovered the joys of trainers 2 years ago and cant seem to leave them... The high heeled stilettos that are hanging on my new rails that I guess I will never get to enjoy are probably going to be inherited by my daughter, since you know how the fashion keeps repeating itself...Good for her... I also remembered the horror look on my mom's face when I was on my way to the airport recently... When she asked whether I was ready to go, I nodded and said yes am ready...Her cute face of hers gave me that typical look of horror and said " you're going to the airport like this???" Umm I looked at myself (white tshirt, tiny sweater, my jeans that are falling apart and my pink trainers that look like they have been living in a swamp for like a year) Umm yeah mom, why??? Ok atleast give me your trainers let me clean it for you... The horror face now became mine and I said "Huh!!! You must be kidding me mom...Thats the look now, the ragged look, I need to blend in" Ofcourse I was just teasing her, but I couldnt be bothered to take them off and do the laces again...thats how lazy I was that day....
But here, everything goes...I mean everything... And the demeanour...Its just so different....I cant actually believe Im saying this, cuz I never thought I would ever like living here, or even the prospect of living here...My home has always been where my parents are... ALWAYS...Not Iraq, since I never really lived there, nor London since that was just one of the stopovers of my journey of life...Home is definetly where my parents are...Be it anywhere, even in Timbuktoo... We are a very close knitted family... Our bond is extremely strong, and whenever one if us has a problem, the whole family gathers up and tries to come up with concotions of a solution, not always wise I tell you, but we always stick together... I dont even know where Im goin with this...
Oh I remember, the States...Well, I like it here...This place relaxes me... Just by sitting in the yard and looking over the lake, makes my erratic beahviour, lets say less erratic...Its similar to a massage, but instead of having one physically, Im having one mentally... The slight wind blows through my hair as I sit on the swing and smoke my cigarrette...The birds chirping above me, the trees swaying its branches slowly...The smell of fresh grass finding its way to my nostrils... The sun warming my body... its so tranquil, so quiet... No machines...No loud noises...No bad traffic...Its just me and the lake...Me and the lake having a quiet conversation...A telepathic conversation... With no squabbles, no quarrels... No mortars, no gun fire... Its just me and the lake...
Ive had an arguemnt today with HUBBY regarding me going back to Iraq... He is definitely going now, so my ultimate dream of settling down is on hold at the moment, or infact its a dream thats is lasting more than it should... But Im living with the fact that I cant change HUBBY's mind and so I decided to join him in his endeavour... After I signed the contract, HUBBY says "Dont go, I dont want you to go" Hmm, why HUBBY, I thought thats what we both wanted, besides why is it ok for you and not ok for me??? You will be alone there this time....I wont be with you, I probably wont even be in the GZ...Yeah and so??? What do you mean so??? You wont be with your husband...Umm, yeah and you wont be with your wife???
HUBBY just got at mad me, and thats just HUBBY...Imagine what Im gonna go through when I tell my mom....OMG, the horror mask again and the shrieking voice...Especially if she finds out that HUBBY wont be with me...Wow, I think I will have colourful fireworks going on then...Not something Im looking forward to... I cant blame her, but at the same time, Im old enough to make my own decisions...N'est pas???
I guess HUBBY's plan is to work in Baghdad for whatever time then come and settle here...His house is here, his friends are here...He lived half his life here...He hated Abu Dhabi...I believe its just a state of mind...Anyone who can withstand the trailers, the warehouse and the tiny cubicles of rooms that we had in Baghdad, would see anywhere as a luxury...Anyone who actually adapted to Baghdad with all the stress that accompanied it can withstand anything and anyplace... But HUBBY hated Abu Dhabi... I think its more of the way of life that he hated...The same as me, the keeping up with appearances... Although everyone got over mine and saw beyond the torn jeans and the swampy trainers... I think he should get over the idea of being restricted and just do as he pleases...wear his shorts and his sebagos... This look is very hip nowadays... Wow they probably think we are fashion addicts....eeeewwww....can never get over that either...How people purchase something just because its in all the magazines, when infact it looks horrible on them...Like those huge sunglasses...I mean I abhore them...All my face gets hidden if I wear one...Thank God for the Kids size shades I have...
So yeah, the States is definitely a place I wanna be in... particularly where Im at at the moment....very serene... very homey... very simple... away from pretentious people...away from gossip and who did what and what number is her current husband... I would like to live in a small house, on the lake with palm trees surrounding me and the suns rays warming me...It sounds like Baghdad, but with whats happening at the moment, I love my future children too much to force them to live in a society where hatred and killing is predominant...Its with great pain I say it, but Baghdad has no future, not now and not in 10 years...Maybe in 15 or 20, even then I have my doubts...I will leave it upto my children to decide their future and if Iraq is really a free and democractic nation then sans the militias and the sectarian differences, I will be the one to encourage them to go...But now, all I want is the lake and the serenity....The lake and the Tranquility...My Mental Tranquility.....
7 Comments:
Hello NIW,
Your post is very true as what they call it: bread-and-butter.
I can feel every thing you are going through...
You are totally right that you want to stay near the lake and listening to the birds chirp.
Try this time and without hesitation to do what your mind and heart tell you...try to stay away from HUBBY for a while, and I am sure that he will call for you and say" I wancha here with me" LOL :)
Let him go to Baghdad and wait....JUST BE PATIENCE dear.
Oops!! I meant Patient*
Greetings NIW,
Glad to read you are enjoying your stay in the United States. Oregon doesn't have native palm trees, yet many people still claim Oregon to be God's country here on earth. Perhaps one day you will have an opportunity to rest, relax, and rejuvenate on holiday in this beautiful state, and should that come to pass . . . our home is your home. And I would be honored to show you and HUBBY around.
Best wishes as it seems a new chapter in your life is about to reveal itself.
Humbly,
Roger
16 Sep '06 @ 22:10 PDT
Go to Canada, maybe colder, but much more free and dimensional society. Canada is viewed, globaly, as the little brother. But as an American, I see Canada as the USA's progressive half. Don't go to Iraq where people are blowing themselves up left and right, where US soldiers can commit any atrocity they feel like, especially when a new war is about to be waged on Iran that will blow Iraq out of the water. If you want to actually change things, go somewhere your work will be represented. You are a fool if you go back to Iraq. Don't. This is YOUR life, not hubby's. Fuck war and being a part of the military complexe. Make something better of your life! The great thing about western culture is that women don't need a man to create something worthy of influence. Hubby may want what he wants, but so what!, you've proved yourself allready!
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE???
To be honest, I think you are more in-tune, more "with-it" more insightful, may I dare say, more intelligent than HUBBY.
Again I ask:
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE???
Hi Neuro-Wife,
Glad you're enjoying the States. It's an incredible country. A free country. I must disagree with the anonymous blowhard who commented earlier. He/She can't see the forest for the trees. He/She has the right to say what He/She wants because our military has fought bravely for our freedom, our liberty. Your anonymous commenter hides behind his monicker, not wanting anyone to know who he is because he doesn't share the same views as the majority of the people here in the states. Our innocence was stolen from us on 9/11, but unfortunately the commenter probably blames our President and believes the conspiracy theorists.
I, on the other hand, am proud to be an American. I don't sugar-coat anything. Sure, there are always some bad apples in the bunch. That goes without saying. If you think that removing a dictator from power is committing atrocities, you're a moron.
Sorry about the hard time you had at the airport. We're just trying to protect ourselves and we've got a long way to go. Hell, we still "pat-down" little grandmothers who have lived here for their entire lives. Unfortunately, the people we have working the gates are underpaid and undereducated. Forgive us...we're new at this.
Hey NIW,
I think you deserve to slow down, sit on your back patio/porch with your daughter and let a few balmy breezes waft through your hair. HUBBY sounds like a Peter Pan who has mistaken his boyish yen for adventure with high ideals. This man/child needs to recognize that he is MARRIED, and that as HIS WIFE, your happiness should be his first priority! I applaud your commitment to HUBBY, but his devotion to you is very suspect.
As for ANON, I think it’s ironic that you praise Canada for being so ‘progressive’, yet in the next breath, you practically push NIW to leave her HUBBY in pursuit of individualistic goals. Sounds like Canadian society, NIW’s HUBBY and you have the same warped notion of what is involved with commitment.
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