neurotic Iraqi wife
August 16, 2006
My Dark Depression...
In 10 days time, its gonna be 2 years since I started this blog...Yet I feel Im back to square one...Remember how I used to come up with ideas to lure HUBBY back to me...Well it seems that I will have to try harder this time...HUBBY is going back....YUP, back to Baghdad...Back to Baghdad and this time alone...Forget Kuwait, forget the world, its back to my war torn country...AGAIN...I just cant get over it...Im extremely upset and disappointed...Everytime he opens the subject I just place my fingers in my ears and tell him I aint listening...
The other day we were watching some sitcom and this lady was wearing boxer shorts...HUBBY said "hmm, she looks sexy"... A light bulb flashed in my mind...I slowly tiptoed to his chest of drawers, rummaged through his boxers, found a nice green striped one(green my favourate colour) , as I was trying to put it on....Heard HUBBY's footsteps,....I glid through it so fast and saw him standing there..."What you doing" he asked....Umm, trying to look sexy I answered with my hand holding the boxers from falling and a slight smile on my face...You like??? Will you change your mind about Baghdad now???
Well, needless to say my trick didnt work...He still is going...Maybe I should do some real cooking...I bought a few cookbooks in hope of luring HUBBY...Needed to brush on my culinary habbits...They say The way to a mans heart is through his stomach...Hmm, another light bulb is flashing...Maybe I should cook this calamari dish he has been asking for and sedate him....YES YES YES...Then do as my mom instructed me....Hide his passport...LMAO...I really hope HUBBY aint reading this or else he wont eat a thing I would prepare....And the hopes of hiding his passport will condensate into thin air....
I mean to go back to that time of my life, worrying, stressing, freaking out is no fun...I really cant believe it...What is it I have achieved??? NOTHING...A big fat NOTHING...And the darn problem is he aint listening...Granted he still wants to help out, but give me a break...People are leaving... only the insane are going back...Besides what kind of rebuilding is taking place...we were there....we saw the reality of projects...A school that was in shambles, was renovated by painting the walls pink....pink walls WILL NOT enhance the education of the Iraqi kids!!! Where are the kids in the first place???Almost many of the parents have refrained from sending their children to the schools because of the security situation...Most of the teachers have fled...either in hiding or left the country for good....WOW great rebuilding!!!
Take hospitals, whats the point of putting some new medical equipment, or painting the maternity rooms orange when the doctors have become a prime target for kidnappers and terrorists...You go there and theres no one to look after you...Nurses and doctors decided to seek a better life in Jordan, Syria or the UAE....Your only salvation is maybe the newly painted orange wall staring back at you...aha great efforts...
The roads and bridges that were renovated, are prime targets for bombs and highway bandits...I mean cmon...Rebuilding...yes its there...The money has been spent...More money is gonne be spent, but for what....and for who...HUBBY has seen how things work there, and yet he still wants to go...To achieve what??? Says its the principle...What principle HUBBY??? Im really really teed off...I mean really...2 years on and its the same darn conversation...the same darn arguements...
We have received an email from a friend of ours who was working with us in Baghdad...He is an Iraqi with US citizenship...Went back to the States for 2 months and now he is in Baghdad with another organisation...HUBBY immediately said "See, even H went back" Yeah HUBBY H went back but I aint his wife, so I cant say anything except he is crazy...
I was also disappointed and hence didnt blog for awhile, cuz I sent a few emails to some US newspapers inorder to work as a columnist or a freelancer...None of them wrote back...Not a single one...Which made me rethink about my writing ability...I think Ive lost that lustre...It was always a dream...a dream to write a book...to write a story...But now, this dream is gone...shattered...Always wanted my voice to be heard...Always wanted to lend a helping hand...But...it seems...I dont stand a chance...And now that HUBBY will leave me yet AGAIN, I can feel myself slipping into my depression...My Dark Depression...
The other day we were watching some sitcom and this lady was wearing boxer shorts...HUBBY said "hmm, she looks sexy"... A light bulb flashed in my mind...I slowly tiptoed to his chest of drawers, rummaged through his boxers, found a nice green striped one(green my favourate colour) , as I was trying to put it on....Heard HUBBY's footsteps,....I glid through it so fast and saw him standing there..."What you doing" he asked....Umm, trying to look sexy I answered with my hand holding the boxers from falling and a slight smile on my face...You like??? Will you change your mind about Baghdad now???
Well, needless to say my trick didnt work...He still is going...Maybe I should do some real cooking...I bought a few cookbooks in hope of luring HUBBY...Needed to brush on my culinary habbits...They say The way to a mans heart is through his stomach...Hmm, another light bulb is flashing...Maybe I should cook this calamari dish he has been asking for and sedate him....YES YES YES...Then do as my mom instructed me....Hide his passport...LMAO...I really hope HUBBY aint reading this or else he wont eat a thing I would prepare....And the hopes of hiding his passport will condensate into thin air....
I mean to go back to that time of my life, worrying, stressing, freaking out is no fun...I really cant believe it...What is it I have achieved??? NOTHING...A big fat NOTHING...And the darn problem is he aint listening...Granted he still wants to help out, but give me a break...People are leaving... only the insane are going back...Besides what kind of rebuilding is taking place...we were there....we saw the reality of projects...A school that was in shambles, was renovated by painting the walls pink....pink walls WILL NOT enhance the education of the Iraqi kids!!! Where are the kids in the first place???Almost many of the parents have refrained from sending their children to the schools because of the security situation...Most of the teachers have fled...either in hiding or left the country for good....WOW great rebuilding!!!
Take hospitals, whats the point of putting some new medical equipment, or painting the maternity rooms orange when the doctors have become a prime target for kidnappers and terrorists...You go there and theres no one to look after you...Nurses and doctors decided to seek a better life in Jordan, Syria or the UAE....Your only salvation is maybe the newly painted orange wall staring back at you...aha great efforts...
The roads and bridges that were renovated, are prime targets for bombs and highway bandits...I mean cmon...Rebuilding...yes its there...The money has been spent...More money is gonne be spent, but for what....and for who...HUBBY has seen how things work there, and yet he still wants to go...To achieve what??? Says its the principle...What principle HUBBY??? Im really really teed off...I mean really...2 years on and its the same darn conversation...the same darn arguements...
We have received an email from a friend of ours who was working with us in Baghdad...He is an Iraqi with US citizenship...Went back to the States for 2 months and now he is in Baghdad with another organisation...HUBBY immediately said "See, even H went back" Yeah HUBBY H went back but I aint his wife, so I cant say anything except he is crazy...
I was also disappointed and hence didnt blog for awhile, cuz I sent a few emails to some US newspapers inorder to work as a columnist or a freelancer...None of them wrote back...Not a single one...Which made me rethink about my writing ability...I think Ive lost that lustre...It was always a dream...a dream to write a book...to write a story...But now, this dream is gone...shattered...Always wanted my voice to be heard...Always wanted to lend a helping hand...But...it seems...I dont stand a chance...And now that HUBBY will leave me yet AGAIN, I can feel myself slipping into my depression...My Dark Depression...
20 Comments:
Seems as though it was only yesterday,
you were setting a trap for dear
o'hubby with your favorite perfume, but no, he wanted a different perfume.
Life sometimes stinks.
Good Luck.
Don From Dallas
i felt your pain as i read this. I remember how desperately you wanted to be with him. how come he is no longer headign to kuwait? Dont worry, just believe that God has something great in store for the both of you. I pray for his safety as he returns to iraq. Do you plan to join him there?
Also, don't give up on writting... you're awesome at it..
We are here for you friend.
Neurotica, make him open a blog...make him.
Infantry Training Brigade Graduation Speech by LTC Randolph C. White Jr.
https://www.infantry.army.mil/videos/video22/index.htm
A democracy is a government made by the people for the people. It's time Iraqis started working hand in hand to rebuild their country. They can't rely upon the US to do everything for them.
I suppose the outcome of anything will be exactly as you project it. If you expect failure, you will achieve failure, however, if you expect success, you will most certainly achieve success. Just as you asked for your husband's support a number of weeks ago regarding your blog and your writing, it is your turn to support him. He believes in the future of Iraq and his ability to contribute towards that success. Help him project success.
I am fairly successful at what I do, but I will tell you I did not achieve my level of success on the first attempt, or in some instances, in the first five attempts. Don't give up writing, keep fighting the fight and you will get there. You keep many people coming back to your blog daily just for a dose of your writing. There's a reason we keep returning and it's not because of your recipes. (Smile)
Good luck to you and your hubby. I hope you BOTH achieve your goals!
This relationship sounds like a failure.
Can you share something happy and positive to give insight as to what's good about it?
I see nothing but negativity.
Have you and Hubby considered taking jobs in the States as interpreters or translators? My understanding is that trustworthy interpreters are paid very well. You should be able to find the niche which you feel would most benefit Iraq.
Although you can't disclose the particulars about what you learn, it seems like the knowledge would provide you with an abundance of background for your writing. The job could also be beneficial in regard to paid travel.
I am heartbroken with you NW. How do you come to terms with this? I guess the only answer is ..slowly. I can fully sense your desperation and wish to keep him with you. But we cannot keep our men from fulfilling their destiny .....if we do they only come to resent us too. Your writing style is compelling and so honest. I know I have only come to your blog recently but you continue to draw me back. Blessings on you and your hubby, we will join you in prayers for his safety.
NIW,
My country is 230 years old and we are still trying to get it right. We still have crime, racism, corruption, etc. Don't give up on Iraq.
I hear your voice. Don't stop.
Melanie from New Mexico, USA
There is nothing left to come back to.
Cheers
I'm finally convinced men are alike all around the world. Don't give up, keep writing.
You have my sentiments! I have tried my best to of diverting my hubby's attention from his "work". I've exerted all okay not really all my resources. But to no avail! Sometimes I feel disgusted of myself. Who am I fooling? Of course, I fooled myself!
Thanks for posting about the truth of the projects, the imaginary projects done by the PCO in Iraq.
NIW,
Quit your sniffeling, and accept the situation. When I heard HUBBY was headed for Iraq I said to myself - YES! Finally SOMEBODY is willing to stand and face this evil in the eye and do something positive about it, besides run away and complain. Iraqi's seem so ready to melt into the background or run like crazy from the problems, including many bloggers, and do nothing but complain about how bad everything is without doing anything constructive to remedy the situation. No one seems willing to stand up for what is right. To rout out the bad guys and bring them to justice. The Americans are at least TRYING to do something positive by building clinics and schools. If Iraqis want to criticize how it's done at least provide some constructive ideas and how to do it better or how the money can be spent more effectively, so we can improve our efforts. So paint does not improve education? What will? If the teachers flee ......?! If only some would have the courage to stay and have the courage to teach those students who have the courage to learn.
Iraq reminds me of a story in the slums of NYC. A Lady loved flowers and planted some outside her door. Gangs would tear up the beds but after each time she would replant it with more flowers. Many time the flowers were ripped out and destroyed, but her determination and vision for creatin a small of beauty won out in the end. Neighbors enjoyed those flowers and over time the destruction petered out and others had the courage to plant their own gardens and create beautiful spaces. They learned how to overcome destruction and create a community. It's much harder to build something good and beautiful than it is to destroy it. If only Iraqis could learn to stand up together for what is right and quit running from what is wrong.
It is about the principal. NIW if you don;t stand with HUBBY and learn to listen to him and accept his ambitions and in a three legged race, you will both be frustrated. I'm asking you to stand behind him.
Besides Iraq has all the elements of a good story. Adventure, action, conflict, courage, human interest stories, good and evil, and with you and HUBBY there perhaps a little romance as well:)
Hi NIW
I have a friend who is in the same dilemma. A husband who cannot come back from Iraq.
The problem is no job in the world will pay the same salary he is getting! So everytime he decides to go back to (Australia in my friend's case) he became restless and decides to move back to the Green zone!
I hope things will settle for you soon. Take care
"KATHY said"... all that...
And it is all bullshiz. Bullshiz to the 10th power.
Hope you are doing ok NIW :D
NIW,
I am from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and arrived at your blog doing a search on Iraqi blogs. Tomorrow, 31 August, is the Blog Day (www.blogday.org), the day where bloggers from all over the world will recommend five blogs, mainly different from their own culture. I would really like to recommend yours, may I? Please drop me a line at ana.calabresi@gmail.com.
I am here, also praying for peace in the world. It's just so sad to read the news these days.
Don, yup...perfume, red nail varnish...Sexy lingerie, u name it...I guess my tactics got too old...
Hey faithful, Thanx alot for your support...Kuwait was out the equation ever since the Iraq thing popped up...Its funny, remember how I said Id rather go to Iraq than Kuwait??? Well maybe its god's will to test me on my words...Wish I had asked for something else...Oh well...Everything happens for a reason, no???
gbaikie...Its a principle that I can relate to but dont understand...To choose between one's country and ones life is something just beyond me...Im glad your hopeful, Ive lost that hope long time ago...Maybe the hope is there but it will take time to transpire, just like everything else....
Madtom, HUBBY cant stand reading books let alone writing...infact he started teasing me about starting his own blog "neurotic iraqi husband" I jumped with excitement and said yes pls do it do it...But I knew he was just pulling my leg...
Cristina, thanx for your encouragement...your words are very true, and I do agree with every statement of yours...but sometimes circumstances are far more powerful or probably I allow them to be...
Anon...lol...I guess thats my bad...Every marriage needs to be worked at...mine seems more negative than positive cuz of the expectations I had before...expectations that werent really met...But it takes alot of perseverence and patience for a marriage to work these days and thats what we both are trying to do...We do have good times, infact we have great times together, and maybe i dont write abt that too often when I should...I tend to write when Im upset...thats my fault...
Hey John...Heard so much abt Chicago...infact HUBBY lived there for awhile...its on my list of states to visit...As for working in the States, well I have suggested it to HUBBY but he wasnt too keen on the idea...Said that he will only go back once he is capable of starting his own business...I dont mind giving it a try...
Anon..Hmm translation isnt one of my strongest attributes...Especially the classical arabic...Translating is the last on my list...Infact heres a funny one for you...someone asked me to translate a legal document for him...From arabic to english...the results: A fairy tale story....he said your imagination just made things up...It ended being like a story instead....lol
Beamspage...yes resentment...thats what everyone tells me....but when can i put my foot down and say STOP, think of ME and not Iraq???Think of our Life and not Iraq???WHEN???
Melanie...Iraq is the size of California...Imagine having hundreds of people getting killed daily for no apparent reason...killed because of their sect or religeon...wouldnt be there an uproar in Cali??? Iraq is more complicated... militias arent helping nor the outside powers that are trying to take over...Iraq is like the cake that everyone wants a piece of...
Zappy...isnt that sad???but maybe theres that small hope, what do u think???
Jean, yup...men will always be men, no matter what country they are from...Infact dont they come from Mars??? ;-)
Tin...if u ever succeed could you pls tell me the secret..Here I am 2 years and still havent found it...Oh and btw, we are not the fools, I think THEY are....lol
Miraj...They arent imaginery, there are projects but bad tactics and worse management...Oh and dont forget the pink and orange walls!!!
Hmm Kathy...Well I guess thats just your opinion...Do u have a loved one in Iraq??? Do you know how it feels to not being able to sleep everynight worrying??? Do you know how it feels to be stressed about someone safety every waking hour??? The cause is noble, but not in such dire circumstances...As for telling the firms how to do things...Umm please I really want you to come to Iraq and see how things are done...They ignore the advice the Iraqis give them...Hence the failure of the Primary Health Care clinics....Do not tell me that Americans are the only ones who are trying to rebuild the country and Iraqis are complaining...Thats complete BS...excuse my french...You will only know what im talking about if you go there and see in your own eyes....
Hey anon...am trying....
Ana...thanx, Im really flattered...will send u an email...
Give up writing? No way, NIW!! There are several forms of good writing, and you’ve definitely got one of them down. Stephen King once said if someone buys one of your stories, then you’ve got talent. Well, I’ve been ‘buying’ you blog for a good nine months now, ever since I went online searching for something totally unrelated to Iraq, marriage, etc. Yet your heartfelt, funny and engaging stories always keep me coming back. Keep on writing. As for Hubby, I don’t know how old he is, but one well-known psychologist (Dr. Joyce Brothers) said that when men are in their 20s, 30s, they tend to define themselves by the work that they do. Your husband sounds like the adventurous type, and maybe he thinks rebuilding the country will be a noble and fun thing to do. Looks like if you want to keep this guy near you, then you are Iraq bound! Good luck. Chin up.
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