neurotic Iraqi wife
June 05, 2008
This Black Static Transit...
Woke up this morning and was too afraid to look in the mirror. My face looked ashen and my eyes swollen. I had no energy what so ever. I wrapped an ice cold bottle of water with towel paper and put it against my eyes for 10 minutes. I opened my wardrobe and just stared at the stack of clothes I had. From the myriad of tops and jeans, I chose Black. Yes that’s what I feel like today. A woman in Black.
Wasn’t a surprise when almost everyone started asking “Whats with the black?” “Why Black Neurotica? Something happened? Are you mourning?” “Yeah, Im mourning my own death, my own slow death here”. Was my answer. A very morbid answer, I know. After yesterday’s mood, and after talking to HUBBY about it, we have decided that it’s TIME. A month or two at the max, Im still debating with him and the TIME may be even sooner than that. Im sure this decision will make many people at work extremely happy.
Yesterday’s “sane moment” came as a no surprise. Ever since I got back from my R&R I have been feeling real down. Im 33 and in 6 months I will be 34. I feel I am stuck in transit. In bloody static transit for the past four years. Im not after pity nor do I like to victimize myself or become far too “melodramatic” and fall into the same pit as many of my fellow Iraqi bloggers have gone into lately (no insults intended). (And If you’re reading this and you are from the male species then I advise you to stop right here because this will get gooey)
Yesterday’s outburst was triggered by something that scared the shit outta me. (Again, I have to reiterate, if you’re a man and still reading this, then please stop) My monthly cycle is on average very precise plus or minus a few days. Ever since it started (back in the good old days), I would suffer excruciating pain and would live on ibuprofen galore. Lately, I’ve been getting major migraine attacks along with it, and I mean major ones. It hits half of my face and travels down my spine. Migraine runs in our family, hence not a real concern, but what I really am scared of is the length of my cycle.
Going from one week of bleeding, to just 2 days scared me. (See, I warned you not to read this if you are male). Yes it is a blessing, but why is it happening? Why now? What does it mean? Am I starting to menopause at this age??? I know its possible. And that’s when my menopausal phobia started to kick in. I haven’t seen a gynecologist in years. The last time Ive been to one was probably just after I got married, but that was that. And to be honest, in all of my 33 years, Ive only been to one, three or four times max. Yup, that’s the truth. And have only done a pap smear once in my life and that was way back when I was 18. I know, I know, that’s not right, but as I mentioned I hate going to doctors unless its really a life or death situation.
Lately, the “starting a family” neon has been flashing in my head constantly. All I ever do, whether Im smoking outside, lying in bed, having a shower, or even sitting in a meeting is just think about children. And to think that Im on my way to menopause at this age freaks me out. Im probably over reacting.
There are some who can care less whether they have children or not. But for me, that’s not the case. I wanna have them. Time wasn’t right at first. But now, after wasting, yes wasting four years of my life, I think its high time to have HUBBY’s priorities as well as mine changed, actually CORRECTED.
HUBBY keeps mentioning he wants children, but he usually says it as a “hey, by the way”. I don’t feel it coming out as a sense of urgency from him. And that by itself was mentally tiring for me. We both should have the same list of priorities, atleast for now. So yesterday, after work, we spoke. And I spilled my guts out to him. I seriously feel that time is passing me by very quickly. Im mentally drained.
At times, HUBBY doesn’t take my concerns too seriously. He tries to calm me down at that specific moment and hope that the issues will disappear magically. But all he really does is YES calm me down and he is really good at it, but then all the issues get accumulated over time until I explode without any warning. And when I say explode, it can take many forms. May be anger, may be a mind block, may be a serious depression.
From my conversation with him yesterday though, I felt he genuinely meant it when he said that “starting a family” is a good enough reason to leave all this. Wow, it took him four years, four bloody years to finally agree with me. I still doubt he believed me when I told him Im scared that it may be too late. But I hope that whatever hormonal changes Im going through right now is just temporary.
Im raving and ranting, and I know Im being selfish. I know there are people who have far more worse problems than mine, hell Im surrounded by these people day in day out. But today, today I feel the need to spill my guts out cuz I am scared. I dunno I may have endometriosis, or ovarian cysts. Who knows. I may even have a blocked fallopian tube for all I know. Or maybe, HUBBY has something. I dunno. And having to worry about these things ALL the time, has drained me out. I don’t think Im asking for a lot and I don’t think Im greedy either. or Am I? Has the urge and need for “normalcy” become so difficult to attain these days? Wow if only I knew then what I know now.
So yes, Black is my mood today. And will be for a very very long time. Until that is I get out of this Transit. This Black Static Transit...
Wasn’t a surprise when almost everyone started asking “Whats with the black?” “Why Black Neurotica? Something happened? Are you mourning?” “Yeah, Im mourning my own death, my own slow death here”. Was my answer. A very morbid answer, I know. After yesterday’s mood, and after talking to HUBBY about it, we have decided that it’s TIME. A month or two at the max, Im still debating with him and the TIME may be even sooner than that. Im sure this decision will make many people at work extremely happy.
Yesterday’s “sane moment” came as a no surprise. Ever since I got back from my R&R I have been feeling real down. Im 33 and in 6 months I will be 34. I feel I am stuck in transit. In bloody static transit for the past four years. Im not after pity nor do I like to victimize myself or become far too “melodramatic” and fall into the same pit as many of my fellow Iraqi bloggers have gone into lately (no insults intended). (And If you’re reading this and you are from the male species then I advise you to stop right here because this will get gooey)
Yesterday’s outburst was triggered by something that scared the shit outta me. (Again, I have to reiterate, if you’re a man and still reading this, then please stop) My monthly cycle is on average very precise plus or minus a few days. Ever since it started (back in the good old days), I would suffer excruciating pain and would live on ibuprofen galore. Lately, I’ve been getting major migraine attacks along with it, and I mean major ones. It hits half of my face and travels down my spine. Migraine runs in our family, hence not a real concern, but what I really am scared of is the length of my cycle.
Going from one week of bleeding, to just 2 days scared me. (See, I warned you not to read this if you are male). Yes it is a blessing, but why is it happening? Why now? What does it mean? Am I starting to menopause at this age??? I know its possible. And that’s when my menopausal phobia started to kick in. I haven’t seen a gynecologist in years. The last time Ive been to one was probably just after I got married, but that was that. And to be honest, in all of my 33 years, Ive only been to one, three or four times max. Yup, that’s the truth. And have only done a pap smear once in my life and that was way back when I was 18. I know, I know, that’s not right, but as I mentioned I hate going to doctors unless its really a life or death situation.
Lately, the “starting a family” neon has been flashing in my head constantly. All I ever do, whether Im smoking outside, lying in bed, having a shower, or even sitting in a meeting is just think about children. And to think that Im on my way to menopause at this age freaks me out. Im probably over reacting.
There are some who can care less whether they have children or not. But for me, that’s not the case. I wanna have them. Time wasn’t right at first. But now, after wasting, yes wasting four years of my life, I think its high time to have HUBBY’s priorities as well as mine changed, actually CORRECTED.
HUBBY keeps mentioning he wants children, but he usually says it as a “hey, by the way”. I don’t feel it coming out as a sense of urgency from him. And that by itself was mentally tiring for me. We both should have the same list of priorities, atleast for now. So yesterday, after work, we spoke. And I spilled my guts out to him. I seriously feel that time is passing me by very quickly. Im mentally drained.
At times, HUBBY doesn’t take my concerns too seriously. He tries to calm me down at that specific moment and hope that the issues will disappear magically. But all he really does is YES calm me down and he is really good at it, but then all the issues get accumulated over time until I explode without any warning. And when I say explode, it can take many forms. May be anger, may be a mind block, may be a serious depression.
From my conversation with him yesterday though, I felt he genuinely meant it when he said that “starting a family” is a good enough reason to leave all this. Wow, it took him four years, four bloody years to finally agree with me. I still doubt he believed me when I told him Im scared that it may be too late. But I hope that whatever hormonal changes Im going through right now is just temporary.
Im raving and ranting, and I know Im being selfish. I know there are people who have far more worse problems than mine, hell Im surrounded by these people day in day out. But today, today I feel the need to spill my guts out cuz I am scared. I dunno I may have endometriosis, or ovarian cysts. Who knows. I may even have a blocked fallopian tube for all I know. Or maybe, HUBBY has something. I dunno. And having to worry about these things ALL the time, has drained me out. I don’t think Im asking for a lot and I don’t think Im greedy either. or Am I? Has the urge and need for “normalcy” become so difficult to attain these days? Wow if only I knew then what I know now.
So yes, Black is my mood today. And will be for a very very long time. Until that is I get out of this Transit. This Black Static Transit...
13 Comments:
GO TO THE DOCTOR
NIW,
Being a woman, and the small amount of knowledge I have gained from nursing school, sounds like stress is your number one factor here. Also, if I remember correctly, you mentioned your weight is under what it should be? These two issues are running neck and neck for first place in your concerns. Pregnancy can usually fix endometriosis. I do know what you mean though about shorter cycles. I for one, am done having children. (I have 3). So as far as I'm concerned, leave me my ovaries and take the rest!
As a nursing student, I am terrible about taking care of myself. Scared of what goes on, yet scared even more about what it all might mean? You're preaching to the choir!
At this point, if you are truly considering starting a family, you owe it to you and hubby and your future children to get a complete physical to know exactly where you stand. Take care Neurotica, and I do mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Always,
Melanie
I think once your out of Iraq, and living in the World of normal (if it exists) you will find alot of things turn normal. Stress has extreme effects on peoples bodies. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, could be the hope you had for Iraq is having to deal with the reality of it.
Where anon? Here in the green zone?
Melanie, as a nurse, do u think its possible i can go thru menopause at this age? Shit i swear Im scared...I dont wanna be barren. I dont wanna live rest of my life like this!!!Im going crazy. And yes stress I think is playing a major part as well. But the migraines are getting worse each time!And Melanie, although I dont know you in person, I can feel your words seep right through me. Thank you...
WH, hmmm, u still read my post even though I said not for the male's ears...Hope I didnt gore you out...And you know what, yes, I agree with u abit there. The hope I had when I first came here is does no longer exist. And that is why, if I wanna leave today, I can. Im mentally ready, unlike last time where I thought I still can do more. But even at work, Ive reached a point where I learnt everything there is. Im not going anywhere, Im not learning anything new. Instead Im just exerting energy in teaching stuff to people and repeating myself for zillions of times. At times I feel Im talking to some concrete wall.
lol...yah I read it, I raised 4 daughters and have heard it all, plus some. To show you God has a sense of humor, I was raised by a single Dad, with 7 brothers on the wrong side of the tracks. God thought it good, I should spend time in the estrogen zone I guess.
You broke my heart, and I think If I was you I would feel just like you do right now.
You're abit younger than me (months) and the two times I had short periods was enough for me to make me think the same.
I am a doctor, and once its my or my familys health, logic goes out of the window.
A simple hormonal test will tell you all.
The question about menopause...when did your mother reach menopause, you would reach it the same age or slightly earlier.
At 34 menopause is generally not common, unless it is genetic or due to hormonal problems.
I agree with the above commentors regarding stress and how it effects our body, that was exactly what was going on with me when I had the two odd short periods. Too much stress causes high cortisone levels which means more male hormone production which results in screwed up periods (to put it simply).
Feel free to email me
the.mind.spa@gmail.com
Focal patterning within the immediacy of those surviving within your incrementing Biological resonance? It starts with a dignified waste receptacle and a clean physique. Then you put the lid down and tell the lid inspector, "You did it!" Rinse, wash repeat. Being honest sounds like your balancing with getting a new small toilet or watching someone else's performance. Either, Or, talk about the lid.
Hi NIW, you already made the decision. Long overdue if you ask me but I'm sure you will walk out of this experience a much wiser person. Thanks for sharing it with us and the details of your 3 years long journey. Please let us know when you will actually pull the plug. I'm sure you have a date in mind. All the best to you and your hubby and I'm sure you will keep in touch with your fans once you're through with the transition to "normal" life outside the GZ. Cheers!
look neurotica, what you need is to seriouly define a deadline to start the life you want, with hubby or without hubby. once you do that, certainly most of your symptoms will vanish. and i don't mean "ok, probably in a month". i mean july 1, 2008. or june 15, 2008.
and as a man, i'll tell you something. we love the single lifestyle. most of us get marry to get another mom and continue living as a single. so we need a very strong "incentive" to grow up.
for your hubby i'd say: dude, talk to a doctor and ask him about the risks that a woman face having the first child after 33 and a half years old.
Oh, my dear, you really broke my heart:(
1.Check yourself as fast as possible(PLEASE)
2.Talk to your hubby and go out from there.
3.Try to relax and eliminate the stress.
GO OUT FROM THAT PLACE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE, TOGETHER AND HAPPY!!!!!!!!
I send you a Big Hug and all the best wishes for both of you :-)))))
WH, thats funny. And it happens.
hlh, I need to ask my mom. Not so sure when she started. And the first thing on my list after leaving this place is to make all the necessary tests, cuz as I said. Im scared. Thanks for your genuine concern.
Hey Usama, ishgad 3aib, you read my post!!!Im blushing right now! :) Yeah we set the date, but I have my suspicions that my husband will change his mind. That by itself will just destroy me. Not sure if I can handle more disappointments!!!
Aaaah Tib, you too read my post! Sorry for its goeiness!!!I warned you though. And no, I dont think men get married to their moms. Definitely not HUBBY. When I care too much or worry too much, he tells me I dont want you to be like my mother. But I cant help it, its human nature. And yes, we did set a date. Let me see if he sticks to it...
Thanx Anca!!!I need a hug, a big one too!!!I miss my family, for I know they'd understand what Im going through, and they'd be there to give me all their support!!!How I wish Im with them right now...
My dear neurotica, please don't make my eyes wet anymore:) Please be strong, look at me, I just sent my princess for 3 month back to my parents(in holiday), can you imagine what's in my heart? But I'm a good actrice, and I'm playing strong. I don't ask you to play, I ask you to look forward and to dream deeper and deeper till you'll get the chance to LIVE YOUR DREAMS!!! OK?
And now I'll send you a HUGE HUG WITH A LOT OF POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
hey niw,
one question on your way to motherhood: when are you going to quit smoking? It interferes with (ttc) trying to conceive. :)
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