neurotic Iraqi wife
June 22, 2007
My True Sanity...
G, an American guy in his late 50's, a resident of California, has helped quite a few Iraqis while he's been here. He is one of those few that kept a quiet profile, yet did alot. He is not about words, he is about actions. Although I never really got close to him, but because I sit across from him, I see and hear the way he treats my Iraqi coworkers. Whatever they want, whatever they wish for, he is ready to lend a helping hand. G is a sicilian originally, and you can catch that by his strong accent, which reminds me so much of the God father movies.
Although he can be a pain in the butt, and annoys the hell outta me when he clips his nails in the office, with the sound resonating in my ears, eeeewwww, I still believe he is much better than many of the Iraqi expats around. He even was able to get an Iraqi woman and her son out of the country. He paid for their tickets, and gave her some money. And no, he had no ulterior motives. He just is someone who came here to truly make a difference. G was always critical of his government and their policies. He came here hoping to take part in what he thought was the largest recon program in the history of the world, but was shocked to see and find out the truth. So instead, he spent all his efforts in lending a helping hand, literally.
G is not alone. But there arent enough of G's around. Its funny, he actually got demoted because of the time he spent helping people instead of doing his work. That was G... Now to someone who touched my heart. LTC T. He was one of those AF guys, who at first came in all enthusiastic and ready to work. A few weeks into it, and he began his doughnut countdown. That cracked me up. He would say hey Neurotica come check out the doughnut. And I would see the red bits becoming smaller and smaller.
He too became critical of things here, he hated how the so called data controlled us. I remember the first thing he said when he had to do this presentation to one of the Generals, he said, no probs, I will just do a PDA. Both Col B and I stared at him and said LTC T whats a PDA??? His face broke into a smile and said Pause..... act Dumb..... then, Answer. Lol. LTC T, was fun. His mom would send him cookies and he made it a point to share it with the Iraqis so they can have a taste of the outside world. He always tried to encourage them with his kind words, and even helped them with special visa immigration forms. LTC T, is surely one of those guys that left a mark here, just by being here.
The list goes on and on, and I will write more posts in future regarding the different characters that have come and gone. Working here does change you though. It definitely changed me in many different ways.
The scorching heat is beginning to get to me. I never complained about the heat before, but now, I cant take it any longer. I feel cranky, moody and extremely frustrated. Yeah maybe it has to do with that time of the month, but lately Ive been pmsing almost all the time. I tried denying the fact that something is really wrong with me until the day my nice boss came and asked me to prepare something for him. Mind you, I never say no to that boss, cuz he is one of the best we had and the sweetest. So Col B, comes along to my area, and says Neurotica can you please prepare something for me. As I was sitting crouched up in my chair, I looked at him and without even thinking I said No, thats not my job. The nerve of me. But he took it so well, that he said the words "pretty please". Imagine a Col telling you pretty please. I mean damn, If I was working for me, I woulda fired myself a long long time ago.
So saying no to my boss, kinda woke me up from the trance I had. THIS PLACE HAS REALLY GOTTEN TO ME. The moodiness and the bad attitude is beyond my description. How did I become like this and why? Im not gonna blame anyone for it, for there is no one to blame except myself. I have become a victim, a victim of my own hidden vices. I look at myself in the mirror and I dont see me anymore. I see this drabby, sad, tired looking person frowning back at me. Where did me go? What happened to her? Has she taken a short vacation? Will she ever be back? These thoughts have dominated my mind for awhile now. Maybe its the stories I hear that put me down, or the helpnessness I feel. Maybe its the twalls and the robotic life that Im leading.
Two years back I was able to close my eyes and see a future, my future, and I was content. I try to do that now. I try to lie down, close my eyes and imagine the future. I dont see anything. I dont see anything at all. Its dark and hazy. But I did see something one day and I havent told anyone about it. It was exactly 3 weeks ago, HUBBY was with me at the time. But we were arguing about a many things. And it was weird, cuz in the 3 years of our marriage, we realized that, that day, our roles got reversed. Instead of having me nagging him and complaining, it was him doing exactly that while I just laid there in bed and told him that I was tired and needed to sleep. Exactly what he used to do to me when I wanted immediate resolution. But I did sleep. I slept so soundly even though my mind was occupied with our arguements. And only then did I see a vision.
It was a beautiful and peaceful vision. Just thinking about it now and writing about it, gives me that peace of mind again. It was a dream, a dream of a baby girl. A baby girl sleeping soundly, wrapped in white. I can see her beautiful pure face so clearly, I can even feel her peacefulness right this second. I woke up that day with a weird sensation, but I didnt want to think too much about it for if I did I was afraid the vision would get distorted. I didnt even tell HUBBY while he continued his raves and rants. I wanted it to be mine and mine alone. I dressed and went to work. I never thought of it or saw the vision again until yesterday. I dunno what its supposed to tell me, I dont even know what it symbolizes, but all I can say that with all the craziness around me, and all the anger I have within me, that baby girl's vision soothes my soul. Soothes my being.
Im going on a small vacation soon. Im going alone. I need to go alone. I need time for me. I need time to find me again....I need my sanity back. My True Sanity...
June 19, 2007
A disastrous Nightmare...
The military keep talking about OPSEC BS, they even barred us from using personal pics on our desktops for the sake of the so called OPSEC, yet they allow the TV channels to say it all and show it all. Yeah great planning. I can go on, but Im gonna keep my mouth shut for now.
As for the positive effect, is the article that shows the world the truth. The truth yet it aggravated the hell outta me. This is how I reacted when I first read it while I was still at work, Im not gonna edit the post I wrote earlier but please be warned I kinda cursed alot:
I am in total shock, no, thats not the word. I am speechless and close to tears. I am so sick to my stomach right now and sooooooooooo angry. I was taking a small break from the busy day I had. Reading news, checking out the latest bombing that took place, which I later found out was in the sinak area. Until I came to see the headline which read:
Iraqi Orphanage Nightmare (Read the full story here) I will just put in a few lines:
On a daytime patrol in central Baghdad just over than a week ago, a U.S. military advisory team and Iraqi soldiers happened to look over a wall and found something horrific.
"They saw multiple bodies laying on the floor of the facility," Staff Sgt. Mitchell Gibson of the 82nd Airborne Division told CBS News chief foreign correspondent Lara Logan. "They thought they were all dead, so they threw a basketball (to) try and get some attention, and actually one of the kids lifted up their head, tilted it over and just looked and then went back down. And they said, 'oh, they're alive' and so they went into the building."
Inside the building, a government-run orphanage for special needs children, the soldiers found more emaciated little bodies tied to the cribs. They had been kept this way for more than a month, according to the soldiers called in to rescue the 24 boys.
"I saw children that you could see literally every bone in their body that were so skinny, they had no energy to move whatsoever, no expression on their face," Staff Sgt. Michael Beale said. "The kids were tied up, naked, covered in their own waste — feces — and there were three people that were cooking themselves food, but nothing for the kids," Lt. Stephen Duperre said.
I clicked on it, and I wish I never had. I wish I never had to see these images. Look at this, Look at these pictures and tell me, who in this FUCKING WORLD CAN DO THIS!!!! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS ATROCIOUS CRIME!!!THESE ARE CHILDREN!!!CHILDREN FOR GOD'S SAKE. Kids that have been orphaned. Loook at them, look at them and tell me, is this fair. IS THIS FUCKING FAIR??? I swear Im still shaking from anger. I hear atrocities taking place, I hear horrible stories, but nothing, nothing can ever prepare me for this. No way. Whoever did this are definitely not humans. No, no way. Where are you people of the world???? Where are your voices???? Where is the damn united nations and human rights???
Look at them, barely children, left starving after being sexually abused. Orphans, with no one to look after. SHAME ON YOU IRAQIS, SHAME ON YOU!!!FUCK THIS GOVERNMENT THAT ALLOWS THIS TO HAPPEN!!! I am so angry, I am fuming. Maliki, WHERE ARE YOU MALIKI???? How can you accept this to happen. A government owned orphanage, this is indeed the present of Iraq. The present that has created low life people. The present that wiped away all the values, all the beliefs. EVERYTHING. This is the NEW DEMOCRATIC IRAQ!!!
After seeing these images, and reading the story, I came to realise that my mom was right after all. She is right by saying that Iraq and Iraqis are no longer the same. She is right in saying "I wipe my hand from this new Iraq". I used to always get mad at her and tell her how wrong she is. But today, today I definitely relate to her words. She would always tell HUBBY and I that we are wasting our time. That theres no point, because Iraq is no longer Iraq. No matter how much we tried to convince her, and tell her stories about our coworkers, she always shook her head and said she wasnt interested in hearing stories anymore. It pained her immensely and I think part of her denial is for her not to feel the pain of nostalgia. Today, after reading and seeing these images, I too decided that Iraq is no longer. I will still though speak the truth and bring the true Iraqi voices out. I will try my best to do that. Even if they are words, for now, this is all I have to offer.
So my question to you, people of the world, will you accept these atrocities taking place in your own country??? Will you stay silent??? Look at them, can you see your own sons and daughters being treated like that??? I have no kids of my own, but by god, the minute I saw these images my womb hurt, it literally did. And on top of all that, the caretakers, some were women!!! WOMEN!!! They would go and cook for themselves yet leave these kids starving. FEED THEIR OWN DAMN STOMACHS, MAY THEY BURN IN HELL AND IN THIS LIFE. UGHHHH the hatred I have inside of me, the anger. I dunno what else to say or write.
Yes this is the new Iraq. Yes this is the God damned new Iraq. How many more of these places exist that we dont know about???How many more atrocities against hundreds, maybe thousands of young kids that have no one, absolutely no one to love them or care for them is taking place??? These kids orphaned, orphaned either from the bullets of war or the daily explosions of insurgents, or the deadly militia snipers. Oh yes, the devil is having a mighty good time here. A very mighty good time.
When will these children see the light? Does anyone know? Is there a light??? I definitely dont see it anymore. No, I dont see it anymore, and definitely not after today. Iraqis, Iraqis doing this to their own people. If I know who is responsible I will tear them apart, I will tie them to beds just like they did and not only starve them, oh nooooooo, I will burn them, burn them alive for this is the least they deserve those B*****. Those ignorant selfish non humans. God, Im still fuming!!! This is truly a nightmare. A disastrous Nightmare!!!
June 15, 2007
A Deadly War of The Devils...
At about 10 am wednesday, W came to me and asked if I had heard the news. I just shook my head while continuing the work I had up on my screen. Then W said, they bombed the Askari shrines in Sammara again. I froze in my place then slowly looked at him. I have never seen W's face so ashen with fear, except maybe for the day he found out that his wife had a miscarriage. He said "Allah il Satir, Neurotica" (God only knows what will happen). I immediately went to yahoo news and read the disaster that took place. Ofcourse by then, clusters of Iraqi groups got together, talking and discussing the consequences of such an event.
As you walked by, you could see the worry on their faces. The despair. With all that was happening before, this definitely means more bloodshed, and more loss of lives. At about 1330pm, I went out for a smoke, there I saw E and W, trying to make phonecalls to their families, but to no avail. The Iraqna network just froze. E then said, well although Im a Shia, Im not worried, cuz I live in a mixed neighbourhood. But Im afraid that the Shia militias will retaliate and end up killing me instead, she ended sarcastically. W immediately jumped in and said, well I live in a Shia neighbourhood but Im a sunni (W is one of those people that got displaced because his mom and his wife are both Shia's), so Im safe I guess. Then he laughed, laughed quietly as if within himself, and said OMG, look at us Neurotica, did you hear what we just said? Did you hear the sectarian comments we have just made, yet we profess that we aint into that at all??? I laughed too, because no matter how unbiased we say we are, there is not a single truth in that.
Im biased. Yes I am biased, but not towards my sect nor towards the other sect, nor towards any other sect that they have come up with. I am biased towards the innocent Iraqis. I absolutely loathe the government, the militias, and the so called insurgents, and although as a muslim I shouldnt wish death upon anyone, I do wish death to all those parties that have ruined this once historic and divine place. Its God's wrath on us, for look what the Iraqis did to the monarchy? They slaughtered them, hung them from posts, while Iraqis clapped and cheered. What goes around sure does come around. But at the end of the day the victim is no other than the Iraqi that believes in peace.
At around 1400 word on the street was that a curfew was put out which starts at three. All my colleagues scrambled about and rushed to get out of here. You should have seen their faces. Then all of a sudden Mr Chair, stops them and tells them not to go anywhere because there was no official word from the US govt about the curfew!!! The US Govt????? What DO THEY HAVE TO DO WITH IT??? I just couldnt believe my ears. I was so ready to go upto him and just kick him in the face. How dare he, how dare he say that and not give a damn about the safety of the people that risk their lives everyday to come here. HOW DARE HE!!! Thankfully, a security announcement was made just in time making everyone aware of the curfew. People like him, get no respect from me whatsoever, nothing, zilch. I dunno whats happening to the world. I really dont.
As Im writing this, I get a phonecall from H a colleague of mine who lives in Karrada. He called in to see if everything is ok with us in the GZ. I said H, dont worry about us, we are fine, but you guys should take care of yourselves. I asked how is everything in the red zone. He said that all the streets are extremely quiet and seem haunted. Now thats scary. When its too quiet, you know that the bad guys are planning something disastrous. Although all the religeous people, including Sistani have asked both sides to be calm, but knowing the high emotions that everyone is going through right now, there is no calmness about anything anymore. Revenge already started. A few Sunni mosques were burnt down and destroyed.
I am absolutely sickened by all this. They say they are patriots, they say they are nationalists, they say they are muslims and are fighting the enemy for the sake of Iraq. The only people they are infact ruining are the Iraqis themselves. I hope to god, with all the faith that I have left in me, for even that is dimming, that one day, one day pretty soon, these criminals will get what they deserve. Hell. Hell on earth and hell on judgement day.
Mr Moqtada, that great spiritual leader who everyone should look upto because he is a genius of his time, blamed the US forces for the bombing of the shrines. Umm yeah Moqtada, sure, I mean who can argue with you??? You ARE mr know it all after all!!! WHAT BS!!! The reason Iraq is not advancing, is because we have mutakhalifeen (illiterate) people that believe everything this guy says and follow him blindly. I refuse to even watch him on TV, his eyes creep me out. They are like the devils eyes that burn right through you. His followers, not long ago were Saddam loyalists (Fidaee Saddam), who would give up their lives to protect Saddam. And now, They would bomb their own people just to make this lunatic happy. Do I blame them? No, you know why? Because thats exactly the illness that we Iraqis suffer from. I dont care if the Iraqis reading this will disagree with me, but Iraqis always, looking back at history, they always drop their loyalties just like that and go with who would give them more. Not more safety, not more knowledge, but give them more FEAR. The only solution to the mayhem we are in is to appoint someone who is fearless, ruthless yet fair, and has no allegiance, I mean no allegiance, to any party, group, sect or religeon. A man that rules with his fist to fight for the people, and in the name of the people. Not someone who sticks to his damn F****** chair because of prestige and promises words, words that mean nothing, nothing without any action.
What has the current government done so far for the Iraqis??? Did they provide the much needed lifeline of security and stability??? Did they provide them with electricity??? Talking of which, F, a colleague of mine who deals with the Ministry of Electricity was telling me how the governer of Diyala chose to shut off the main switch off in Diyala, because the Mr, didnt like the fact that some other province, had a better share. I mean for God's sake!!!You turn off the damn switch on the whole province robbing your own people from electricity in this scorching heat because of your stubborness???? And you wander why some people are uprising against the government.
As for the sunni tribal leaders who just woke up from their dream realising that protecting Al Qaeda insurgents is no longer an option, I salute you. Its about time. Its about time that you take sides with the Iraqis. I wander when will the Shia's wake up from their own dream and fight the right people, instead of their own Iraqi women, men, children and elderly??? If only they can unite against the real enemy, if only they can put their differences aside for once, and direct their hatred towards Al Qaeda and Iran and all those outside forces. I know its wishful thinking, but my god would things just become a little better and improve.
This war, this war is not about the Americans, nor about the multi national forces. This war is about Iraqis themselves. This war is about destroying Iraq and everything it represents. The so called friendly neighbours, who keep promising to help out are themselves the criminals. They are supplying the militias and the gangs with deadly weapons. Not one of them wants Iraq to be stable, not one of them wants Iraq to prosper. This war is no longer about the occupation. This war is a deadly war, A Deadly War of the Devils....
Update: D called and said there is sporadic fighting, together with some shooting going around. Situation isnt too good outside, not good at all...