neurotic Iraqi wife
June 22, 2007
My True Sanity...
When goodbyes become painful. Apart from the havoc that is taking place in the outside and in, there is still a human side to the life in the GZ. In the two years I have been here, Ive seen many people, come. And Go. There are some you wouldnt even bother yourself with remembering, but there are others, who really make an impact on one's life. And Im not talking about my life alone, but all the others who work with me.
G, an American guy in his late 50's, a resident of California, has helped quite a few Iraqis while he's been here. He is one of those few that kept a quiet profile, yet did alot. He is not about words, he is about actions. Although I never really got close to him, but because I sit across from him, I see and hear the way he treats my Iraqi coworkers. Whatever they want, whatever they wish for, he is ready to lend a helping hand. G is a sicilian originally, and you can catch that by his strong accent, which reminds me so much of the God father movies.
Although he can be a pain in the butt, and annoys the hell outta me when he clips his nails in the office, with the sound resonating in my ears, eeeewwww, I still believe he is much better than many of the Iraqi expats around. He even was able to get an Iraqi woman and her son out of the country. He paid for their tickets, and gave her some money. And no, he had no ulterior motives. He just is someone who came here to truly make a difference. G was always critical of his government and their policies. He came here hoping to take part in what he thought was the largest recon program in the history of the world, but was shocked to see and find out the truth. So instead, he spent all his efforts in lending a helping hand, literally.
G is not alone. But there arent enough of G's around. Its funny, he actually got demoted because of the time he spent helping people instead of doing his work. That was G... Now to someone who touched my heart. LTC T. He was one of those AF guys, who at first came in all enthusiastic and ready to work. A few weeks into it, and he began his doughnut countdown. That cracked me up. He would say hey Neurotica come check out the doughnut. And I would see the red bits becoming smaller and smaller.
He too became critical of things here, he hated how the so called data controlled us. I remember the first thing he said when he had to do this presentation to one of the Generals, he said, no probs, I will just do a PDA. Both Col B and I stared at him and said LTC T whats a PDA??? His face broke into a smile and said Pause..... act Dumb..... then, Answer. Lol. LTC T, was fun. His mom would send him cookies and he made it a point to share it with the Iraqis so they can have a taste of the outside world. He always tried to encourage them with his kind words, and even helped them with special visa immigration forms. LTC T, is surely one of those guys that left a mark here, just by being here.
The list goes on and on, and I will write more posts in future regarding the different characters that have come and gone. Working here does change you though. It definitely changed me in many different ways.
The scorching heat is beginning to get to me. I never complained about the heat before, but now, I cant take it any longer. I feel cranky, moody and extremely frustrated. Yeah maybe it has to do with that time of the month, but lately Ive been pmsing almost all the time. I tried denying the fact that something is really wrong with me until the day my nice boss came and asked me to prepare something for him. Mind you, I never say no to that boss, cuz he is one of the best we had and the sweetest. So Col B, comes along to my area, and says Neurotica can you please prepare something for me. As I was sitting crouched up in my chair, I looked at him and without even thinking I said No, thats not my job. The nerve of me. But he took it so well, that he said the words "pretty please". Imagine a Col telling you pretty please. I mean damn, If I was working for me, I woulda fired myself a long long time ago.
So saying no to my boss, kinda woke me up from the trance I had. THIS PLACE HAS REALLY GOTTEN TO ME. The moodiness and the bad attitude is beyond my description. How did I become like this and why? Im not gonna blame anyone for it, for there is no one to blame except myself. I have become a victim, a victim of my own hidden vices. I look at myself in the mirror and I dont see me anymore. I see this drabby, sad, tired looking person frowning back at me. Where did me go? What happened to her? Has she taken a short vacation? Will she ever be back? These thoughts have dominated my mind for awhile now. Maybe its the stories I hear that put me down, or the helpnessness I feel. Maybe its the twalls and the robotic life that Im leading.
Two years back I was able to close my eyes and see a future, my future, and I was content. I try to do that now. I try to lie down, close my eyes and imagine the future. I dont see anything. I dont see anything at all. Its dark and hazy. But I did see something one day and I havent told anyone about it. It was exactly 3 weeks ago, HUBBY was with me at the time. But we were arguing about a many things. And it was weird, cuz in the 3 years of our marriage, we realized that, that day, our roles got reversed. Instead of having me nagging him and complaining, it was him doing exactly that while I just laid there in bed and told him that I was tired and needed to sleep. Exactly what he used to do to me when I wanted immediate resolution. But I did sleep. I slept so soundly even though my mind was occupied with our arguements. And only then did I see a vision.
It was a beautiful and peaceful vision. Just thinking about it now and writing about it, gives me that peace of mind again. It was a dream, a dream of a baby girl. A baby girl sleeping soundly, wrapped in white. I can see her beautiful pure face so clearly, I can even feel her peacefulness right this second. I woke up that day with a weird sensation, but I didnt want to think too much about it for if I did I was afraid the vision would get distorted. I didnt even tell HUBBY while he continued his raves and rants. I wanted it to be mine and mine alone. I dressed and went to work. I never thought of it or saw the vision again until yesterday. I dunno what its supposed to tell me, I dont even know what it symbolizes, but all I can say that with all the craziness around me, and all the anger I have within me, that baby girl's vision soothes my soul. Soothes my being.
Im going on a small vacation soon. Im going alone. I need to go alone. I need time for me. I need time to find me again....I need my sanity back. My True Sanity...
G, an American guy in his late 50's, a resident of California, has helped quite a few Iraqis while he's been here. He is one of those few that kept a quiet profile, yet did alot. He is not about words, he is about actions. Although I never really got close to him, but because I sit across from him, I see and hear the way he treats my Iraqi coworkers. Whatever they want, whatever they wish for, he is ready to lend a helping hand. G is a sicilian originally, and you can catch that by his strong accent, which reminds me so much of the God father movies.
Although he can be a pain in the butt, and annoys the hell outta me when he clips his nails in the office, with the sound resonating in my ears, eeeewwww, I still believe he is much better than many of the Iraqi expats around. He even was able to get an Iraqi woman and her son out of the country. He paid for their tickets, and gave her some money. And no, he had no ulterior motives. He just is someone who came here to truly make a difference. G was always critical of his government and their policies. He came here hoping to take part in what he thought was the largest recon program in the history of the world, but was shocked to see and find out the truth. So instead, he spent all his efforts in lending a helping hand, literally.
G is not alone. But there arent enough of G's around. Its funny, he actually got demoted because of the time he spent helping people instead of doing his work. That was G... Now to someone who touched my heart. LTC T. He was one of those AF guys, who at first came in all enthusiastic and ready to work. A few weeks into it, and he began his doughnut countdown. That cracked me up. He would say hey Neurotica come check out the doughnut. And I would see the red bits becoming smaller and smaller.
He too became critical of things here, he hated how the so called data controlled us. I remember the first thing he said when he had to do this presentation to one of the Generals, he said, no probs, I will just do a PDA. Both Col B and I stared at him and said LTC T whats a PDA??? His face broke into a smile and said Pause..... act Dumb..... then, Answer. Lol. LTC T, was fun. His mom would send him cookies and he made it a point to share it with the Iraqis so they can have a taste of the outside world. He always tried to encourage them with his kind words, and even helped them with special visa immigration forms. LTC T, is surely one of those guys that left a mark here, just by being here.
The list goes on and on, and I will write more posts in future regarding the different characters that have come and gone. Working here does change you though. It definitely changed me in many different ways.
The scorching heat is beginning to get to me. I never complained about the heat before, but now, I cant take it any longer. I feel cranky, moody and extremely frustrated. Yeah maybe it has to do with that time of the month, but lately Ive been pmsing almost all the time. I tried denying the fact that something is really wrong with me until the day my nice boss came and asked me to prepare something for him. Mind you, I never say no to that boss, cuz he is one of the best we had and the sweetest. So Col B, comes along to my area, and says Neurotica can you please prepare something for me. As I was sitting crouched up in my chair, I looked at him and without even thinking I said No, thats not my job. The nerve of me. But he took it so well, that he said the words "pretty please". Imagine a Col telling you pretty please. I mean damn, If I was working for me, I woulda fired myself a long long time ago.
So saying no to my boss, kinda woke me up from the trance I had. THIS PLACE HAS REALLY GOTTEN TO ME. The moodiness and the bad attitude is beyond my description. How did I become like this and why? Im not gonna blame anyone for it, for there is no one to blame except myself. I have become a victim, a victim of my own hidden vices. I look at myself in the mirror and I dont see me anymore. I see this drabby, sad, tired looking person frowning back at me. Where did me go? What happened to her? Has she taken a short vacation? Will she ever be back? These thoughts have dominated my mind for awhile now. Maybe its the stories I hear that put me down, or the helpnessness I feel. Maybe its the twalls and the robotic life that Im leading.
Two years back I was able to close my eyes and see a future, my future, and I was content. I try to do that now. I try to lie down, close my eyes and imagine the future. I dont see anything. I dont see anything at all. Its dark and hazy. But I did see something one day and I havent told anyone about it. It was exactly 3 weeks ago, HUBBY was with me at the time. But we were arguing about a many things. And it was weird, cuz in the 3 years of our marriage, we realized that, that day, our roles got reversed. Instead of having me nagging him and complaining, it was him doing exactly that while I just laid there in bed and told him that I was tired and needed to sleep. Exactly what he used to do to me when I wanted immediate resolution. But I did sleep. I slept so soundly even though my mind was occupied with our arguements. And only then did I see a vision.
It was a beautiful and peaceful vision. Just thinking about it now and writing about it, gives me that peace of mind again. It was a dream, a dream of a baby girl. A baby girl sleeping soundly, wrapped in white. I can see her beautiful pure face so clearly, I can even feel her peacefulness right this second. I woke up that day with a weird sensation, but I didnt want to think too much about it for if I did I was afraid the vision would get distorted. I didnt even tell HUBBY while he continued his raves and rants. I wanted it to be mine and mine alone. I dressed and went to work. I never thought of it or saw the vision again until yesterday. I dunno what its supposed to tell me, I dont even know what it symbolizes, but all I can say that with all the craziness around me, and all the anger I have within me, that baby girl's vision soothes my soul. Soothes my being.
Im going on a small vacation soon. Im going alone. I need to go alone. I need time for me. I need time to find me again....I need my sanity back. My True Sanity...
37 Comments:
Cranky, needing time alone, visions of the baby girl. are you officially pregnant finally or are you yearning to being your family and know you can't while you are in Iraq.
Enjoy your time, find yourself and return and find a new purpose while you are there...
Thank you N:
Look in thr mirror and say...
"Thank you very much"
Thank you.
Peace, Calm and Hugs from,
X Y Z
Just thinking about it now and writing about it, gives me that peace of mind again. It was a dream, a dream of a baby girl. A baby girl sleeping soundly, wrapped in white.
Maybe your subconscious had created this image of peace for you? I had an image of a place I a saw in a dream once (when I was under a lot of stress) and it always made me feel calm and relaxed when I would just clear my head and think about it. It stopped working a long time ago, though :(
Either that, or you just want a daughter, maybe?
Lovely to hear of G and LTL T.. My last boss (an Englishman) actually worked in Iraq (pre-2003) and has an Iraqi wife and (pretends to) speak Arabic.. but he's a great guy.. and although he always kinda supports his government, he is there to lend a hand to any Iraqi close to him.
He has the finesse of an army general, but inside he's got a great heart, and people like that are those that will make a difference. Mind you, he won't set foot in Iraq now, as he prefers it under an Iraqi's rule rather than under his own country-men's rule.
I also cannot forget the support he's given me both with my career and as a father figure. Which shows, that if you scratch beneath the surface you can find good in almost anyone, but you have to be prepared to look.
I just think you're fed up with Iraq and the failed reconstruction. You came to help save it and all you've gotten is rejection. As if you've been let down and abandoned by your country.
PS: Maybe the dream symbolizes what you're wishing things could be: Peaceful and innocent.
BuJ,
Lovely to hear of G and LTL T.. My last boss (an Englishman) actually worked in Iraq (pre-2003) and has an Iraqi wife and (pretends to) speak Arabic.. but he's a great guy.. and although he always kinda supports his government, he is there to lend a hand to any Iraqi close to him.
Pre-2003? You mean under Saddam? An Englishman lived and worked in Iraq, during the 1990s? Under sanctions? And under Saddam? Doing what?
Married to an Iraqi woman? He converted to Islam? Or did he marry an Iraqi Christian?
He has the finesse of an army general, but inside he's got a great heart, and people like that are those that will make a difference. Mind you, he won't set foot in Iraq now, as he prefers it under an Iraqi's rule rather than under his own country-men's rule.
So, he preferred Iraq - under Saddam's rule? Saddam = good leadership?
I also cannot forget the support he's given me both with my career and as a father figure. Which shows, that if you scratch beneath the surface you can find good in almost anyone, but you have to be prepared to look.
So, it's pretty hard for you to ind anything to like about the English, but if a man abandons his own faith and converts to Islam, takes and Arab wife, learns to speak Arabic, lives in an Arab country by choice (instead of his own) for decades, and praises Arab dictatorships while condemning democracy, he might be alright with BuJ. But BuJ has to willing to be open-minded to see this man's good points. Because, after all, he is an Englishman.
Does that about sum it up, BuJ?
Your little comment told us a lot about BuJ. BuJ isn't a nice guy. BuJ is an asshole.
The English guy is a Protestant, and the wife is an Assyrian Christian :-)
And, I do like English people, and Welsh people, especially given how long they have had me in their country :-)
With love,
Just another asshole.
xxx
Jeeze procrammer craig (not a typo),
You assume WAY too much, too much of the time. You constantly prove your ignorance and condescending attitude here.
I pity you.
I don't assume too much about BuJ. I'm fairly familiar with him and his lying racist ways. He probably made that whole story up. I don't think he realized how bigoted it sounded until my comment. Notice how fast he backtracked? :P
And by the way, "anonymous" - if you don't have the guts to even make up a name for yourself, or identify yourself by whatever your regular blog name is, then kindly shut the fuck up. Your opinions are meaningless, because you have chosen to identify yourself as a non-entity, with no context, and no history.
USA TODAY had several articles about the amazing developments happening in Dubai in the UAE. Huge new projects of every type and description. People flocking to the country for tourism and business. Enormous wealth being created. Tremendous energy and optimism toward the future.
I thought to myself: that is what Iraq should have been. Iraq was granted a golden opportunity to follow a path to peace and prosperity like Dubai. But look what happened. Chaos, poverty, sewage, garbage, oppressive heat with no electricity, corruption, civil war, beheadings, 100 murders a day, torture. Unbelievable. There has never been a larger missed opportunity in the history of the world.
Iraq is the number world's leading of suicide bombers. The number one producer of remotely detonated explosives -- designed to kill the very people who would have loved to help Iraqis get that Dubai-liked future.
There is the old saying "People deserve the government they have."
PC,
Typical reply from a character such as yourself. I could've written it myself. You humor me.
Sincerely,
Your chicken-feathered anonymous conscious you never had
bigoted and racist, you talking about yourself procrammer_craig ? and don't start telling us about your ex-wife and best Arab friend you liar.
As for history with a history like yours I don't see how you can complain you have such a nerve
Don't you find it embarrassing when a "foul-mouthed, racist" Arab such as myself corrects you in your native tongue?
I merely clarified the position about my ex-boss in response to your question. That is not the same as backtracking. Actually, that's going forward.
Before starting to insult other anonymous people, why don't you open your blog to everyone first?
Why can't you be honest about all of this? Probably, there is bad history between you and some Arab, and you take it out on me and on others on this blog.
7ilwa buj heheeh
3ash lsanak :D
The war being waged in Iraq must end not only to allow you to live your lives in relative peace, but to unite as humanity and stand up against those who use war and politics for financial gain and power.
We need to SHOW the strength of opposition to the war, to show that regardless of race, religion, politics or location – that we want this war to be brought to an end now. In the media, Iraqis are shown divided and violent – but we know that media is not accurate and that it is often used by those in power to manipulate public sentiment.
If you as an individual, as an Iraqi, as a member of any race, want an end to this war, please join visibly with others from all religions, politics, races and places, by wearing a home-made, white fabric armband to show your agreement with just one statement “I want an end to the war in Iraq”.
I realise that in this harsh and complex world, that simple symbolisms of unity seem small – but with this easily available and free symbol, we can show our numbers, our opposition to the situation and our desire to stand against the violence and abuse.
After I started the ARMS AGAINST WAR campaign (www.armsagainstwar.info), I came across a quote that perfectly reflects it:
[Two thousand years ago, a Roman Senator suggested that all slaves
wear white armbands to better identify them.
"No," said a wiser Senator.
"If they see how many of them there are, they may revolt."]
Please give this campaign your consideration, no money, no other agenda, just an easily agreed single statement that unites a divided world in one act of unity, one step to choosing our more peaceful future and one step to self empowerment.
Thanks for reading and I sincerely wish you well.
Namaste,
Tina Louise
www.armsagainstwar.info
NIW,
So good to see you writing again. I must admit I am quite selfish in missing your posts :)
But more so, I am glad to see you are still with us. The new format is absolutely beautiful.
Tina, what an awesome idea. The quote is so accurate it gave me goosebumps. Sadly, with any desire for such a massive change, I fear the armbands will simply provide clear targets for those who do not want peace. However, I too believe it can work.
I have truly missed you NIW and I am happy to be reading your posts again. I hope to meet you someday in person, perhaps at your first book signing?
Always,
Melanie
Hello Melanie,
Thank you for your lovely words...I too worry that the armbands would turn those seeking unity, into targets. Such a fearful thought and how awful that in our lives these thought even occur!
I often wish we could synchronise so that we would all of a sudden, ALL be wearing the armbands at once - then we would reach our goal of power as individuals, united. But, we can't...so I don't know. On the one hand I hate the thought that any who wear the armband, empower themselves and stand up for what they want - being attacked or worse. But on the other hand, if we do not do something, where will this lead? Where will those in power take us next and how many more will suffer and die?
I see this situation not as sect against sect, country against country...but as power against humanity and NOW is the time for humanity to draw itself up and face power down.
Best wishes Melanie.
Namaste,
Tina Louise
www.armsagainstwar.info
BuJ,
Don't you find it embarrassing when a "foul-mouthed, racist" Arab such as myself corrects you in your native tongue?
Apparently, you did such a good job with the "corrections" that I didn't even notice them! Pretty subtle :D
I merely clarified the position about my ex-boss in response to your question. That is not the same as backtracking. Actually, that's going forward.
You tried to make it sound like you didn't actually only like Englishmen who'd been Arabized. That's backtracking :P
Before starting to insult other anonymous people, why don't you open your blog to everyone first?
Why would I do that? The purpose of private blogs is to keep unwanted assholes and their stupid opinions from ruining it.
Why can't you be honest about all of this? Probably, there is bad history between you and some Arab, and you take it out on me and on others on this blog.
There is bad history between me and a lot of Arabs, BuJ. Arabs murdered friends of mine. I don't take it out on everyone, though. Only the the people who deserve it. People who support the very violence that cost my friends their lives. People like you. And people like "Truth about Iraqis" - you see, I don't think you have any automatic right to live, BuJ. Let alone, an automatic right to be heard.
And I didn't ask you to try to add to Neurotic Iraqi Wife's legitimate straight presentation of some of the people she works with, with your stupid story about the one Englishman you have met in all the years you lived in Britain that you found to be acceptable, and the reasons why he was OK with you. I'm not particularly fond of the British myself, even though I'm English by ancestry... but I would never come up with a list of criteria that would make an Englishman "acceptable" to me. Every person is different, and you either like somebody, or you don't. That's it.
PS to BuJ,
Why can't you be honest about all of this? Probably, there is bad history between you and some Arab, and you take it out on me and on others on this blog.
Two of the people on that blog you want access to, are Arabs :O
And, oddly enough, they both actually live in the Middle East. Unlike you.
NIW,
I haven't visited your blog in a while. I like the new background! I must say this post was very touching. Through the blogs and the 'net, you get a small (albeit microscopic) view into the lives of the people that live this event the news calls Iraq. It's helpful to me to remember that there are people on the other side of the news, as I often fear that I forget that with the day-in day-out numbness of news here locally and around the world. Take all the time off you need and I hope you feel better. Best wishes.
Buj and programmer craig
You both are a bunch of fruit cakes that have been half eaten and tossed to dogs that have taken away your common since. Your ability to think and understand of what is happening in the world has been clouded by your stupidly and lack of respect for others. You both think that your better then each other, but what you don’t realize is that you’re two piss ants that are ready to be stepped on by higher forms of life.
programmer craig you are most likely one of the “fruits and nuts” from California. I don’t know if everyone realizes it, but people from “California” don’t like anyone. They always think that they are better that everyone else; I don’t even think that they like each other. It is proven that there is more fagots’, queers’ and homosexuals in California then anywhere else. So for all you people out there thinking that California is the place you should be, think about it. Programmer craig, what category do you call into?
Buj you are most likely one of those Arab Emirates people what had his collage paid for either by your country or by a rich mommy and daddy. It’s funny how you can live in another country and say your’s is so great. I’m sorry but I don’t understand it, if your counties are so much better then where you’re at; Move back. You mostly went to collage and moved as far away from your country as you could. Because you know your country suck.
As for me I’m and American. The only country in the world that people are not wanting to leave. I’m a red neck American, I drive a Chevy truck and my wife has a Ford. I have a Jeep to play in the mud with and a boat to fish and drink beer in. Life is good.
NIW,
Is it possible to feel friendship with someone you've never met? Well, I read your blog(and many others) and it's an odd kind of communication but I enjoy it immensely. Please be safe and take some time for yourself. I myself am an American heading for Dubai for many of the same reasons(vacation) you have stated so eloquently. I am reading Naguib Mahfouz right now."The journey of Ibn Fattouma". I highly reccommend it to all NIW comment posters. Even PC and Buj. End this juvenile argument. Minfadlik. Salaam Neurotica
Craig! uhhhhh u are so exhausting person, always creating a problem out of nothing... I started to think you have some personal issues with BUJ...
Buj ignore him, he is just a lil spoiled brat who need attention, dont give it to him.
I have personal problems with BuJ - I don't like him :O
And besides that, he tells lies about me.
I got myself a T-Shirt with the words " I H8 MAXIMO "
:)
This comment has been removed by the author.
Everyone needs time for themselves. And you need it even if you are his wife. As said by someone above, it can mean that you might be pregnant, you may have a family someday, or you are yearning for one. I think its you wanting to settle down and live together with your hubby and hopefully you will earn this hope to be true in reality.
Let me know where you going off ;) We might catch up there if you want, hehehe, just kidding sweetie. Im sure you need your time alone, as I did...
Take care and hope to keep in touch (you are not forgotten)
From your Iraqi friend, called Sara/Baghdad/Bubzi... who has been absent from her friends like dearest neurotic iraqi wife and her blog at iraqiblogger.blogspot in order to seek her dreams in life.
Its good to be back!
I'll be praying for you N. I hope you'll be OK. I think you will. You're stronger inside than you think.
I have for the past 3 years resisted the temptation to comment on the blog and blogger. I think I will start doing that.
H
NIW, I can only hope your vision is one of the future. Saw Dubai mentioned. Wow what I place! Never been there, probably never will, but it sounds like it would be a nice place for you to get away for a bit. Dear Tina, do you really think an armband will stop the war? Do you think the al Qaeda types, the al Sadrs, all of that ilk would look at all the white armbands and think to themselves, "Hey, let's change our ways!" If it was that easy, I'd be the first to wear one. Coalition forces pulling out of Iraq and Afghanistan will not bring peace. I am not willing to tell the Iraqis and Afghans I have met on these blogs "You're on your own. We no longer care what happens to you."
If you find sanity somewhere out there, let us all know, so we can all have some too.
Take some time off and relax. Everyone has to eventually. I hope you get your spirit back so you can feel more like yourself. You deserve it!
I didn’t know that programmer craig was gay.
What is wrong with you programmer craig? Don’t you
know that the your little thingy is for chicks?
You disappoint me.
He's gay?
أكوول .. أخاف أنت حامل
أعصاب صايرة وتحلمين بالزعاطيط
روحي للدكتور و كوليله يسوي تحليل أدرار
بابا كافي شغل وكلاوات مال مستقبل
أذا حامل ألف مبروك وأنشالة خير
أذا ماكو شي حاولي تسوين شي ترة أذا تكبرين مو زين على الجهال وتندمين ندم ما يفيدج. ترة بعد ماكوا وكت الدنيا ترة ما راح تصير أحسن. وهسة أحسن من بعدين . والله ترة بعدين تكومين تبجين دم أذا كبرتي وطلع الطفل منكولي. لا تنسين روحج وردة أنت. والله كريم
Hey, there are times when everyone needs a break, time to be alone... be with your inner self. A strong mind and positive willpower can help you achieve a lot of things. sorry if i'm boring you. hope things get better with you. take care.
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