neurotic Iraqi wife
December 08, 2006
A Wish of A Lifetime...
Another 5 or 4 more hours and I will be waving goodbye to yet another year of life. Yup, tomorrow is my bday, and I have been trying to do some thinking. At times you just wanna sit alone and reflect, but here in the GZ there is no time for that. No time to reflect, no time for soul searching. I dont wanna sound like a pessimist but Im not really looking forward to tomorrow. I just wanna lie in bed and sleep, for I dont wanna admit that yet another year has passed without accomplishing any of the things I have put on my "To do list" of life. Another year spent here in Baghdad, and with each passing hour, no, with each passing minute, a little piece of me gets lost, gets lost in all the mayhem thats taking place outside.
My brother called me up last night asking me how life is treating me here. I laughed and said what life? I barely see my husband, who is far too busy with his new job. I barely talk to anyone, except for that one time I let go of my inhibitions and talked to my colleague S about the normal things in life. I barely get enough sleep even though Im so exhausted by the time I get into my room, and my body aches, I just keep tossing and turning and just as I get comfortable my darn mobile phone alarm goes off. I wake up everyday to see a reflection of my older self in the mirror. Dark circles under the eyes that has seen better days in its youth. No Im not complaining Im just stating some facts, facts about life that we all take for granted. Its like Im on a train, a fast non stopping train. A train that has taken me to extremes I never imagined I would visit. What Life I ask again, and he says the life YOU chose to have.
I laughed again. Oh brother of mine, if only you know what I go through everyday, if only you can feel my pain, if only you can see the sadness in my eyes, you wouldnt have asked that question. You wouldnt have dared to ask... Yes pain and suffering is all relative. My pain could be nothing to what my Iraqi colleagues feel everyday. My suffering maybe zilch compared to what my Iraqi colleagues go through everyday. But Im only human. And right now, right now Im feeling homesick. Homesick and lonely. I sit here craving for my father's lectures, and my mothers soprano screeches, the ones she gives out when she is mad at me (aha, thats how bad Im missing them)
Bush says "We will prevail". Bush finally admits "Situation is Bad". I dont care anymore what Bush says, I dont care anymore what anybody says for that matter. Annan says its worse than Saddam's time. Oh really??? Did anything hit you on the head, and wake you up from the comma??? The comma that seems to have hit everyone like a plague. M the 20 something year old guy with cute dimples, stopped smiling. He really did. I saw him today, sweeping the floor, and my heart broke. I said hey M, whats wrong? You ok? M laughed the same way I did when my brother asked me how life is. He looked at me in a weird way, and said why do you ask. I dunno, you stopped smiling, he immediately forced one, but you can tell its not genuine, not coming from the heart. I nudged him and said, cmon, whats wrong? I miss that smile of yours, where did it go?
M continued sweeping, then stopped and looked directly into my eyes, and said, Neurotica, this may be my last day here. I frowned, why M? Where are you going? Did you find a better job? Tell me, I wanna know. He shook his head and said, no, no, its not that. Then what is it M??? He put his sweeping brush aside and said, its getting bad out there. Really bad. I dunno if I will getto live another day. My heart literally broke into pieces. These words coming from the guy who dreams of sky scrapers and cars, these words coming from the guy that keeps saying "Allah Il hafudh" God is our protector, was a slap to the reality I live in. Yes I know its bad, I know its deterioting, I know people come here risking their lives on a daily basis. I know all that, but to hear the words "I dunno if I will be alive tomorrow" is hard to digest. Yes everyone tells me the same statement "We dont know if we will be alive tomorrow", but they say it in such a bytheway kind of thing followed by "Allah Kareem". M on the otherhand said it with a true sadness, a true fear, a true cry for help.
Its M and many others like M, young and hungry for life that makes mine seem so trivial, so insignificant. Thats why I say, with every passing minute a little piece of me gets lost, lost in the mayhem outside. While the rest of the world, walk by beautifully decorated christmas trees, bright lights on window displays, listening to christmas carols, Iraqis walk dark haunted streets stumbling on dead bodies with sounds of mortars and gunfire. Iraqis just like M who truely genuinely are scared for their life. Yeah tomorrow Im gonna be older (not sure about the wiser part), but will I ever get to see M smile again??? Thats the question. Im gonna blow a candle (If I find one) and make a wish. A Wish of a Lifetime...
My brother called me up last night asking me how life is treating me here. I laughed and said what life? I barely see my husband, who is far too busy with his new job. I barely talk to anyone, except for that one time I let go of my inhibitions and talked to my colleague S about the normal things in life. I barely get enough sleep even though Im so exhausted by the time I get into my room, and my body aches, I just keep tossing and turning and just as I get comfortable my darn mobile phone alarm goes off. I wake up everyday to see a reflection of my older self in the mirror. Dark circles under the eyes that has seen better days in its youth. No Im not complaining Im just stating some facts, facts about life that we all take for granted. Its like Im on a train, a fast non stopping train. A train that has taken me to extremes I never imagined I would visit. What Life I ask again, and he says the life YOU chose to have.
I laughed again. Oh brother of mine, if only you know what I go through everyday, if only you can feel my pain, if only you can see the sadness in my eyes, you wouldnt have asked that question. You wouldnt have dared to ask... Yes pain and suffering is all relative. My pain could be nothing to what my Iraqi colleagues feel everyday. My suffering maybe zilch compared to what my Iraqi colleagues go through everyday. But Im only human. And right now, right now Im feeling homesick. Homesick and lonely. I sit here craving for my father's lectures, and my mothers soprano screeches, the ones she gives out when she is mad at me (aha, thats how bad Im missing them)
Bush says "We will prevail". Bush finally admits "Situation is Bad". I dont care anymore what Bush says, I dont care anymore what anybody says for that matter. Annan says its worse than Saddam's time. Oh really??? Did anything hit you on the head, and wake you up from the comma??? The comma that seems to have hit everyone like a plague. M the 20 something year old guy with cute dimples, stopped smiling. He really did. I saw him today, sweeping the floor, and my heart broke. I said hey M, whats wrong? You ok? M laughed the same way I did when my brother asked me how life is. He looked at me in a weird way, and said why do you ask. I dunno, you stopped smiling, he immediately forced one, but you can tell its not genuine, not coming from the heart. I nudged him and said, cmon, whats wrong? I miss that smile of yours, where did it go?
M continued sweeping, then stopped and looked directly into my eyes, and said, Neurotica, this may be my last day here. I frowned, why M? Where are you going? Did you find a better job? Tell me, I wanna know. He shook his head and said, no, no, its not that. Then what is it M??? He put his sweeping brush aside and said, its getting bad out there. Really bad. I dunno if I will getto live another day. My heart literally broke into pieces. These words coming from the guy who dreams of sky scrapers and cars, these words coming from the guy that keeps saying "Allah Il hafudh" God is our protector, was a slap to the reality I live in. Yes I know its bad, I know its deterioting, I know people come here risking their lives on a daily basis. I know all that, but to hear the words "I dunno if I will be alive tomorrow" is hard to digest. Yes everyone tells me the same statement "We dont know if we will be alive tomorrow", but they say it in such a bytheway kind of thing followed by "Allah Kareem". M on the otherhand said it with a true sadness, a true fear, a true cry for help.
Its M and many others like M, young and hungry for life that makes mine seem so trivial, so insignificant. Thats why I say, with every passing minute a little piece of me gets lost, lost in the mayhem outside. While the rest of the world, walk by beautifully decorated christmas trees, bright lights on window displays, listening to christmas carols, Iraqis walk dark haunted streets stumbling on dead bodies with sounds of mortars and gunfire. Iraqis just like M who truely genuinely are scared for their life. Yeah tomorrow Im gonna be older (not sure about the wiser part), but will I ever get to see M smile again??? Thats the question. Im gonna blow a candle (If I find one) and make a wish. A Wish of a Lifetime...
21 Comments:
In South Korea after the Korean War, all of South Korea was devastated. People were dying of disease, landmines, thugs both from insurgents and the government, US military, and God knows what else. What the Korean people did in general was to work for the future of their children because they saw no future for themselves personally and instill that same goal in their children. Through all the dictators, false starts in democracy and devastation, the central goal of making life better for their children was always there. Maybe that is all that is left for Iraqis as well. Maybe there is no hope for the current lives of many Iraqis. If so, they should work to make their children's lives better. This single goal can have surprising effects on the long term success of a country because without hope for the future, there is no attempt to work towards it now.
Happy Birthday... we feel your pain even among the christmas trees & materialistic heavan.
Happy Happy Birthday,
thanks for the visit and comments
and for sharing my pain.
May your birthday be special for you and your loved ones
Happy Hapy birthday for you and your loved ones, thanks for coming by and your comments were beautiful.
Happy Hapy birthday for you and your loved ones, thanks for coming by and your comments were beautiful.
Happy Hapy birthday for you and your loved ones, thanks for coming by and your comments were beautiful.
Happy Hapy birthday for you and your loved ones, thanks for coming by and your comments were beautiful.
I wish you well on your birthday, Iraqi wife. I realize it cannot be a happy one.
Happy Birthday Iraqi wife.may all yur wishes come true.
Wishing you a Happy Birthday and a better future I.W. Sang J. Moon is right about the future. One step at a time and eyes on the horizon. If I could give you one gift today, it would be optimism. I am sending you a big ol' grin :-) Pass it on.
I have always enjoyed reading your posts but lately I can feel your sadness and despair. Do not despair Neurotic Wife. Life is too short. I pray for our troops and the Iraqi people every day. May they see light at the end of the tunnel. Have a happy day, you deserve nothing but the best.
Carol, Louisiana
So how many candles did you blow today and did HUBBY get you anything? Did you have Iraqi cake?
MML
Happy B-day NIW. Hope you had a good one. One question, why doesnt M leave?
Happy Birthday and hope your wishes come true.
Even amongst the christmas trees and mince pies, I want you to know that you and many other Iraqis are being thought of and prayed for. In the midst of all these chaos, please be optimistic, have hope cos without hope for the future, there is nothing to live for.
Hsppy Birthday, hope your wishes really do come true.
im not going to say i know what you are going through becuase i dont think i do, but i will say this, as a muslim i will pray for you and my Iraqi brothers and sisters.
Sana 7ilwa ya gameel...
Dearest NIW, from all of my heart I wish you a very safe birthday.
Hopefully this year brings peace to you and to Iraqis.
>>>>>>>iiiiiiiiiiiiii<<<<<<
The best I can do for a birthday cake for you NIW! And I didn't dare count the candles! I hope Hubby comes by bearing good gifts and lifts your spirits for a little time. I pray that next year you will find things much better in your dear Iraq. That M will find his smile again and his dreams. There has to be an end to all of this. There has to be.
Happy birthday NIW. I hope you get to spend some time with your Hubby on your birthday.
Take care,
Sang J, Thats an amazing analogy. But and a big but, people here wanna leave inorder to save their kids lives. 100's die every day for no reason, especially children. And so, everyone here think of one thing, one thing only and thats to save their kids. No body has the energy to think about the 3 rd or 4th generation from now. But I liked the idea thou..
Anon,Thanx, pray for the Iraqis. Pray for them and think of them.
Cyber, thanx for your 1 no 2 no 5 birthday wishes,lol...Thanx again for your support...
OJ, thanx, but I have to say, it was a teeny weeny happy one...
Thanx anon..
Thanx Solo, I think it worked!!!
Carol, thanx. Situation outside the Twalls makes me despair, maybe one day, one day they will see the light.
Lol MML, yeah read my new post. And yup HUBBY surprised me with a yummy Iraqi cake from one of the most famous shops in Baghdad called Tahoona (The mills). As for how many candles, umm, lets say I havent reached 40 yet ;-)
Curious, M cant leave cuz he cant afford to. Many Iraqis are working right now just to save. Leaving your home isnt easy. He has a huge family, how can he pay for all of them???
Moodycrab, I know. I know that without hope its difficult to survive. There are people who are still hopeful, but the majority are just living for the day. BTW, I like mince pies...When you have one, think of me, ok...
Thanx Anon...The more people pray, the more we might get heard!!!
Lol Howie, cool, so now everytime your little sister celebrates her birthday, you will remember mine. No excuses from now on!!! What kind of sambusak???Lamb???yumm..
Sam, my intention is never to depress anyone. Im sorry if thats what my posts are doing. Im just trying to tell the truth, and be neutral as much as I can. I cant act like some of the other bloggers that say every thing is rosy. I say it as it is. Should you lose hope? I dunno, should YOU??? Things are bad, very bad, without any exxageration. But life does go on just like what S told me.
Thanx MM!!!I share the same buruj as your sis. Saggitirians are the best moo???Lol
Beams, watch it, you were just abt to go over board with the candles there!!!Lol...HUBBY did infact lift my spirit up when I really needed some lifting. And yes there has to be an end, but the question is how and when???
CMM, WELCOME BACK!!!Im gonna check your site right now...
Fayrous habeebti, thank you.
Happy Birthday NIW...May the next year see your beloved Iraq become peaceful again, may you be re-united with Hubby, and may your next birthday be spent closer to your loved ones.
Take care and keep up your beautiful writing.
Thanks for the post, really effective info.
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