neurotic Iraqi wife
October 04, 2006
Our Trip Back to the Green Zone...
The plight of fighting my insomnia has failed. I tried using my smart tactic of doing all nighters, thinking that I still possess my university energetic character. Which in those days was really something. I mean the consumption of coffee together with prozac made wanders. Although you would find me shaking by the early hours of the afternoon, nontheless it served the purpose. But umm I guess, after hitting the dreaded 3 0, clinging to my twenties is proving to be a challenge. By 1pm, I hardly am able to keep my eyelids from shutting down on me. And the sight of my large bed seemed extremely enticing. So I talk myself into snuggling in bed, time the alarm to 1745 (30 mins before breaking the fast) and end up waking exactly when the Muathin calls the prayers.
I really tried but I failed miserably. I have no idea what Im gonna be doing when I will be back at work in less than a week. I decided that fasting in the Green Zone is a no go. I know Im gonna feel guilty for not being able to complete the month, I will just have to ask for forgiveness from God. HUBBY is still enjoying his single status back in the States. He sms'd me lastnight to tell me that he was having mussles in white garlic sauce for the appetizer and lamb chops with thai aoli for his main. I smiled for he knows how to tease me. I told him to enjoy and eat as much as he can cuz once he comes here it will either be a starvation diet or a daily visit to my parents house to consume all the yummy Ramadan food that my mom prepares, which by the way, I havent tasted any this time. I think Im going through some odd phase.
An ex-colleague of mine emailed me a few days ago, asking me to rethink my decision of going back. Her contract has come to an end and she decided that it was time for her to leave and go back to her life in the States. She is a fellow Brit who has been living for almost 20 years in the US. In her email She wrote:
"Are you sure you really want to do this? It's getting pretty 'hairy' here, and I am glad to be getting out. I know it's different for you, you and HUBBY can easily blend into the picture, whereas I could not. But all the same, think this through carefully, the money is not all there is, especially if you are not going to be with HUBBY. How long is your contact for? Seems that most ex-pats will be gone by March."
And in another email I received from another Ex-Colleage:
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND????
Just curious. Guess you know you cannot go to Prosperity to eat, have cable or other wise go anywhere. It is more, and more, like a gulag...but I have always said this.
The only good thing is the weather will be good. Keep me posted...and keep your teeny-tiny butt down.
These emails dont really make things easier for me. Im fretting the fact that HUBBY wont be with me. The notion of him not being in the Green Zone is scaring me like hell. Its a very nerve wrecking situation to be in, knowing that HUBBY is somewhere dangerous and Im not with him. Maybe thats why Im having insomnia and a loss of appetite. Although we havent left yet, my mind keeps thinking about the situation non stop. The first few days that I got back here from the States, I would wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares. The place is always dark, dark and claustrophobic. HUBBY and I would be running away. Running away from what and who I have no clue. Then the last scene of the nightmare is a knife. Always a knife. (Is there anyone out there who can interpret dreams?) I immediately wake up and turn to hold HUBBY but HUBBY aint there.
Oh well, I guess its all destiny. Although whenever my mom tells me to change my mind, and I tell her that I wont and that I can die tomorrow if God wants. Its all destiny. She replies, its destiny, yes, but God gave us a brain to think with. You are just willingly throwing yourselves in hell...(datshumroon nafiskum bil tahluka). Anyhow, thats it, a decision has been made, I just hope and pray, pray in this holy pure month, that HUBBY will be safe and that by some miracle he will end up being in the Green Zone. I dont actually care where will we be, I even suggested to him to take my cv and get me something with him. As long as we are together in the place I have no problem where that place is, even if its in the middle of the Red Zone. The real Baghdad. The place I yearn for, and have yearned for, for years and years.
This is definitely not my last post before we venture out again, as I still have a few more days to go. Im gonna be busy unpacking(believe it or not, I still have some clothes laying in the suitcase back from my US trip. Yeah yeah I know, dont even start) and packing... Packing for my trip. Our Trip. Our Trip Back to the Green Zone...
I really tried but I failed miserably. I have no idea what Im gonna be doing when I will be back at work in less than a week. I decided that fasting in the Green Zone is a no go. I know Im gonna feel guilty for not being able to complete the month, I will just have to ask for forgiveness from God. HUBBY is still enjoying his single status back in the States. He sms'd me lastnight to tell me that he was having mussles in white garlic sauce for the appetizer and lamb chops with thai aoli for his main. I smiled for he knows how to tease me. I told him to enjoy and eat as much as he can cuz once he comes here it will either be a starvation diet or a daily visit to my parents house to consume all the yummy Ramadan food that my mom prepares, which by the way, I havent tasted any this time. I think Im going through some odd phase.
An ex-colleague of mine emailed me a few days ago, asking me to rethink my decision of going back. Her contract has come to an end and she decided that it was time for her to leave and go back to her life in the States. She is a fellow Brit who has been living for almost 20 years in the US. In her email She wrote:
"Are you sure you really want to do this? It's getting pretty 'hairy' here, and I am glad to be getting out. I know it's different for you, you and HUBBY can easily blend into the picture, whereas I could not. But all the same, think this through carefully, the money is not all there is, especially if you are not going to be with HUBBY. How long is your contact for? Seems that most ex-pats will be gone by March."
And in another email I received from another Ex-Colleage:
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND????
Just curious. Guess you know you cannot go to Prosperity to eat, have cable or other wise go anywhere. It is more, and more, like a gulag...but I have always said this.
The only good thing is the weather will be good. Keep me posted...and keep your teeny-tiny butt down.
These emails dont really make things easier for me. Im fretting the fact that HUBBY wont be with me. The notion of him not being in the Green Zone is scaring me like hell. Its a very nerve wrecking situation to be in, knowing that HUBBY is somewhere dangerous and Im not with him. Maybe thats why Im having insomnia and a loss of appetite. Although we havent left yet, my mind keeps thinking about the situation non stop. The first few days that I got back here from the States, I would wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares. The place is always dark, dark and claustrophobic. HUBBY and I would be running away. Running away from what and who I have no clue. Then the last scene of the nightmare is a knife. Always a knife. (Is there anyone out there who can interpret dreams?) I immediately wake up and turn to hold HUBBY but HUBBY aint there.
Oh well, I guess its all destiny. Although whenever my mom tells me to change my mind, and I tell her that I wont and that I can die tomorrow if God wants. Its all destiny. She replies, its destiny, yes, but God gave us a brain to think with. You are just willingly throwing yourselves in hell...(datshumroon nafiskum bil tahluka). Anyhow, thats it, a decision has been made, I just hope and pray, pray in this holy pure month, that HUBBY will be safe and that by some miracle he will end up being in the Green Zone. I dont actually care where will we be, I even suggested to him to take my cv and get me something with him. As long as we are together in the place I have no problem where that place is, even if its in the middle of the Red Zone. The real Baghdad. The place I yearn for, and have yearned for, for years and years.
This is definitely not my last post before we venture out again, as I still have a few more days to go. Im gonna be busy unpacking(believe it or not, I still have some clothes laying in the suitcase back from my US trip. Yeah yeah I know, dont even start) and packing... Packing for my trip. Our Trip. Our Trip Back to the Green Zone...
6 Comments:
I don't think you or your husband should go to Iraq now. Why not spend 1-3 years living a "normal life" in the USA or the UAE and then plan to go back to Iraq? It is not like Iraq is going to be fully reconstructed in the next 12 months and so you will miss your opportunity if you don't go right now!!! Iraq will have a need for good civil engineers forever (just like everywhere!)! In fact, I think when things calm down, the reconstruction and development of Iraq will be able to proceed a whole lot more smoothly, as I am sure you know.
really NIW, if things arnt lookin too great and your instincts are telling you that you shouldnt be there,then you shouldnt be there! arnt you two the stubborn lovers! get your iraqi butts outta there and be together for the month of ramadhan (somewhere safe and with family) so u can actually fast and have some peace and then you can think about whether you still wanna do this or not.plus, iraq and baghdad are not going anywhere so dont worry there will always be plenty of things to do there :)
"I'm Being Chased"
Chase dreams often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. The way we respond to anxiety and pressure in real life is typically manifested as a chase dream. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in our environment. Often in these dream scenarios, you are being pursued by some attacker, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. You are running away, hiding, or trying to outwit your pursuer. Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you and you may gain some understanding and insight on the source of your fears and pressure.
The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you.
One may be consumed by their own anger, jealousy, love, or self-destructive behavior. For example, you may be drinking too much or exhibiting open hostility toward others around you. You may subconsciously be threatened by these actions which have been jeopardizing your relationships and/or career. Your dreams are a way of calling attention to these self-destructive actions.
A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media. The violence that the media portrays magnifies our fears and how at risk we all are.
Knife
To dream that you are carrying a knife, signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of. Alternatively, the knife may be symbolic of something divisive in your life. You may be attempting to cut ties or sever some relationship.
To see a dull knife in your dream, denotes that your hard work is accompanied by little or no gain.
To dream that you are wounded by a knife, is symbolic of masculine or animalistic aggression.
To see an electric knife in your dream, indicates your power to get down to the truth of a situation quickly.
It may sound cheesy, but google dream interpretation and see what you get. I often dream of being chased. I hate it, absolutely hate it, but that's what I get for being a full time student, mother and wife. I think it's my assignment due dates quickly approaching that is killing me. :)
I agree with original_jeff.... Seems like you just got back from Iraq and barely got time to finally settle down in a place of your own (and deciding on a fridge!), and now you're leaving again. It's almost as if you are running away from a "normal" or "regular" life. Running away from routine, running away from a 9-5 job, running away from responsibilities... You guys are always on the go...
Maybe I'm wrong...but I have been reading your blog for a few months now, and that's the impression I get.
Jeff, I tried to convince HUBBY, but to no avail. I really did try. It was like adream when we came here, as if finally I was able to say Im settled down...Didnt last much did it now...I do agree, with the part that "the reconstruction and development of Iraq will be able to proceed a whole lot more smoothly". Tell that to my husband
Anon, I have a weird feeling abt it, but I still wanna do it. If I dont feel comfy then I can leave anytime.
To my dream interpretor, lol, thanx...the explanation seems abit ambigious. How can I face the pursuer when he is not even in the pic. as for the knife, Im not even sure what kind of a knife it is. Cant remember. So like you, I think its my life's downs chasing me down,lol....
DS: Actually this is EXACTLY what I told HUBBY. Word for word!!! I told him that he is running away from responsibility, but he denies that. Anyhow, lets see where his ideas will lead us. As I said before, it seems that my idea of settling down has turned into a distant dream...
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