neurotic Iraqi wife

There is one email that encouraged me to write this post. Its an email from a guy named Paul. Thanx Paul....Thanx for the encouragement and thanx for your advice....Its a pity that people do not want to hear the truth....I may have been "emotional" in my last post but not cynical...And no it doesnt suck to be me...whoever wrote that in the comments, you dont know me well, and you will never do....

But I want people to realise that this is still a war zone....Things are not back to normal...I did not deny the fact that no rebuilding is taking place...Cuz there is...and I have said it time and time again...I did not put blame on the US government..All I wanted to say was not everything you hear in the news is true....Things are NOT ROSY here....There are programs that have been a success...Like the schools for example...But hospitals, health clinics, other projects that have been handled by big shot contractors have been shameful...

I wish I can disclose more...I have signed a confidentiality letter...I wish I can say the names of those huge money making contractors who are the reaosn behind this failure..But I cant...You can either take my word or not..Its your choice..I just write what I know and what I see...The US leads that have come here in the organisation that Im working with have been ever so helpful...On the contrary they try to find solutions but at the end of the day its who you know and where....Decisions cannot be made just like that...

Am I disappointed???sure I am...but do I have hope??? Sure I do.....I do have hope that things will get better...When???I havent got the faintest idea...I wish I knew...but I dont...And yes it is time for HUBBY and I to leave....Thats exactly what we are planning to do....We both are worn out...we both are drained....I hope he sticks to the plan....I can see pain in his eyes when I remind him that our time is up here...He tells me "If I leave, that means I have failed"...Thats how he sees it...That statement shuts me up...but I try to tell him that he has done as much as he can...He cannot do more simply because his BOSS took over...His BOSS is a one man show and had sidelined him in everything....The program he worked so hard to manage...to achieve to make a success has been taken over by his BOSS who makes unlateral decisions that backfired on the whole program....And without saying more, that project is the only subject that the Generals around here rate their success...One General is quoted to have said "if these xxx do not get finished, then this reconstruction is a failure" ....

So yes put yourself in my shoes...Come here, a newly wed bride...with no where to go...but work and the tiny room...No one to talk to except a HUBBY who is so engrossed in his work....No privacy except when you are in the tiny cubicle of a bathroom..no appreciation for all the work hours you put in until the early mornings...No good news from Iraqi colleagues who everyday have a story to share about a kidnapping or some death in the family...Put yourself in my shoes and tell me how happy will you be????? Atleast Im known to be the most person that smiles around here...The person with the bubbly personality....Its strange cuz I dont see myself that way but thats how people preceive me here...I guess its my way of trying to make the best out of the situation....So no dont tell me Im a cynical person cuz I aint...All what Im trying to do and have been trying to do is survive, survive like evryone else here...And I dont mean survive physically, I mean survive mentally and emotionally...

My marriage was on the brink of ending....There was no one to complain to...no one to seek advice from except my amazing brother and sister who were miles and miles away...Couldnt tell parents as not to burden them.....Wrote my heart out here in theis blog....opened myself up like I havent to anyone...Yet I got critisized....But I aint a quitter...I will keep on writing cuz tahts my life line, without it Im empty....

Just yesterday a colleague's sister got injured in a suiced attack...4 of our maintenance workers survived the blast...Everyday you hear stories....you cant just ignore it and say "yay things are great here" This is a WAR ZONE.....You guys live in the comfort of your homes and make judgements about surviving....Remember the time when electricity went off in the whole of NY city, people started panicing???well people here have that everyday...I used to moan and whine if we dont get water for a few hours when I was at home....People here make do with everything that have...People here are survivors....

I tell you one thing...The problem is not only with those contractors but also with the ministries here....The ones who are supposed to accept the projects and sign for turnover...Their expectations are so high, when really it shouldnt be...they keep asking for more and more things...They think that since the States came here to rebuild the country then they should accept all the demands...which is funny and sad at the same time....So you see, its not just outsiders its people here...And not all ministries are like that...Just a few...It takes 2 to tango....

The US Gov is trying to find other ways, other options to please the ministries...Maybe find other contracting avenues, like Giving a specific amount of money to the ministries for the projects they want to construct and let them do it themselves...This might cause some problems in some ministries cuz of the corruption thats around...But so far that option has proved a better success than the ones the US contractors handled here...

Im writing this during my lunch break and its almost over...We are finally going on vacation...Out in the civilized world...Time to breath and time to live...Just for a short while but I aint complaining... I will be saying GoodBye to this place in a few months if my plan works....Many of the people that made life here easier have gone...And I guess that also played a major part in the bleak office atmosphere....

I better go back to work....But remember Im trying to be as hopeful as can be, for the stars are shining here everynight, shining up on me with their light...The Light of Hope.....

Wow, its been long....I have many things to talk about...im at work at the moment but I need to vent out.....This place is wearing me out....or actually has worn me out...drained me of all the energy I used to have....of all the dreams I used to dream....This place is barren....void of all emotions that I thought I craved for.....I have been in Baghdad or actually in the GZ for almost 9 months now....Havent seen the real Baghdad at all only few short glimpses...dunno whats going on around me....I like most people get my news from the internet and from the TV....even those i stopped doing....I stopped asking my work colleagues how life really is outside....simply because I know what their answer is gonna be....

For the first time Im gonna break the rule I have put upon myself and talk about work....about the reconstruction effort that has gone into shambles...Yes it has....For all of you who think things are rosy then come here and see....This construction effort is the biggest failure in all history and I aint exxagerating....Im not saying that things arent being built...oh hell yeah Schools have been renovated....Hospitals as well....Border forts, police stations, fire stations...you name it, its getting either renovated or built....so where is the problem i hear you ask???? Where is the failure, you are wandering????

Well, I will tell you where.....The contractors, the huge American organisations, together with Iraqi subcontractor expats who have formed companies here, are building shambles!!!! they got the contracts yet now when the program is about to be over with, we are ending up with the most horrific scenes of reconstruction.....Shells of clinics scattered all over Iraq....Not even done yet these companies are asking for more money to have them finished...claiming that many security issues are costing them time....This is the Government's tax payers money supposedly....And yet people are adamant to keep these companies continue with the program....

Its all politics....And I stopped caring if I get kicked out from my company but I wanna be heard....The quality of work is so bad that the ministries here who are supposed to take them over are refusing to sign the turnover letters....Ive seen pictures, loads of them....Im telling you this whole thing is a joke.....The organisation is squirming for money.....trying to find more inorder to finish the program....Im sick and tired of people thinking that the rebuilding of Iraq has been a success....Come and see it for yourselves....

The only gainers in this big game are those contractors who took the work and the big shot Subs....The last tier in the sub level get peanuts for the work they are doing....if the contractor was paid $700, the actual sub doing the work gets $250 or even less.....You see the way things work here is whoever gets the bid, will reaward the contract...

Ive just had it.....9 Months ago I was filled with so many dreams for my country.....God I had a completely different idea....but all this is gone....I think I need to get outta here, and get out soon...HUBBY has been insulted, degraded, and put down by the Bosses here cuz he used to shout as loud as he can that its a bad idea to give the work to those companies...you should give it to direct Iraqi contractors...But noooo, no one listened until this happened...and who takes the credit???his immediate boss...who is now a favourate among the Generals....

The way I see it, if you are an Iraqi, you are nothing...If you are an Iraqi Expat you are nothing....Company has just a few Iraqi expats, and among the best engineers and prog managers...but who do they choose to put as Prog managers??? But inexperienced people....Oh and I forgot to mention People who are purely Foreigners....Dont care what their background is...dont care what their experience is, as long as you are not Iraqi, you will become a Manager....

Spoke to the Big Boss about whats happening, asked him why the sudden change in tactics???Thought there will be a transition period where all the Iraqis and I dont mean Iraqi expats but the Iraqis who have lived here all their lives will be trained and taught to run these programs after all of us are gone....The answer is as usual :WE ARE HERE TO SERVE THE IRAQI PEOPLE...I hate it when ppl say that cuz I dont see how???

The taboo words at work have become "emotional" and "Passionate". So now HUBBY is being called too emotional about his project and so are many other Iraqis hence they aint good enough to do their work...Being passionate about what you do now counts against you....Dont you think thats funny???? Actually the right word is ridiculus.......

Im sorry, Im not in a good mood....havent been for a while...I lost the zest...been slapped by reality quite a few times....How are things between HUBBY and I??? Well, they are better....I stopped concentrating on WOB's faults and attitude....The LTC that I used to work with has left....I dont care what others used to say about him, but I really liked the way he thought, the way he articulated things....Its a pity not many people got to see his good side...HUBBY still gets pissed off when I say that...but its the truth..I aint gonna lie....His replacement isnt bad, but very different....

Alot of backstabbing taking place in the workplace....Told HUBBY to have a plan cuz I have had it here....I wanna live a normal life..I aint getting younger....For once, and I dont know how, he listened to me....Said that we should start looking somewhere else...somewhere normal...but ofcourse he agreed with a condition and that if he doesnt find anything within 3 months outside Iraq he will come back...Personally, I dont mind...Cause I know that he will find something....and if he doesnt, oh well I guess thats just my luck...But Im not gonna stay here stressing myself out for something thats just a mirage....

Security situation from what I hear is getting better....Poeple are still not happy about the election results but I guess they stopped complaining....They just want to get on with their lives...Thats what matters...Life Matters....Not money, Not jobs....But Life....

Sorry if I blabbed along....sorry if you read things you didnt wanna read....I do apologize....But I really needed to say things aloud....My dreams have been shattered....I look at the moon everyday...search for it....at times its hidden beneath the clouds, and at others he smiles at me.....These are my nights here...searching for the Moon....The Hidden Moon....