neurotic Iraqi wife

Wow, just as I logged onto blogger I realised that its been one whole year since I started blogging. Isnt it amazing how in one year things could really change. A year ago, I was in a desperate need to get HUBBY out of Iraq. I was scheming and planning, depressed and angry. Here I am, one year later, myself in Iraq. Wowwww, I never ever thought that the day will come for me to see my country after all these years, nor did I ever imagine that I will be joining HUBBY.

Right now we are actually on R&R, and Im really glad that Im outta there. I think I reached a point where I needed to get out of the prison Im in. The GZ is a prison, believe it or not. Cant go anywhere beyong the T walls, cant do anything besides work and then back to your room. I stopped over in the Emirates to see my family, and God what a relief that was. It was so good to see them after 3 months. Just being with my family gives me a great pleasure and a sense of stability....

As for my last post, well I got alot of emails asking me to be more positive of the situation in Iraq. All I can say is Im sorry to have disappointed you, but Im not bringing anything from myself since you know extremely well I dont go out of the GZ. What I say here is merely what I see and hear from the Iraqis that work with me. You wanna hear good news, how can I write good news if the average Iraqi isnt happy??? You want me to say that everything is rosy and people are dying from happiness, how can I write that when a friend of mine cries almost everyday because of the situation???

I will tell you something though. Construction is taking place. Im right in the middle of it and I know for a fact that hospitals, clinics, schools, police stations, roads, ministries all over Iraq are being renovated or constructed. Yes I cannot deny it, cause I see the pictures at work everyday. But ask the average Iraqi, how do these things play in his everyday life, he will tell you its meaningless. The average Iraqi wants safety, wants electricity, wants water. The average Iraqi wants a government that cares, that does something for the people and not just sit and argue about federalism, name of country, etc....

Believe me, I see young guys at work, in their early twenties desperate to leave. They ask me or HUBBY, please get us out of here, please arent there opportunities where you live. At their age, guys in other countries go out, have fun, have dreams, have hopes, have ambitions. All you see in Iraq is sadness. They work their asses off inorder to support their families. They come into work everyday risking their lives just to provide for their parents or siblings. Do not tell me you want to hear good news, cuz from an Iraqi perspective there isnt any. Someone also accused me of saying Saddam days were better. No matter how bad things get, no matter how horrible the situation is, I will NEVER EVER say that Saddam days were better.

You see, some Iraqis actually did tell us that. They said we thought Saddam Days were bad, but this is worse. I immediately told them that its human nature how we tend to forget easily how things were then. People lived in fear, people disappeared, people got tortured, and as I write this down, I realised that its exactly the same now, but at that time, you knew exactly who was doing it. There was only one murderer, Saddam's regime. Now, you dont even know who to point the finger at, Bin laden people, Saddam loyalists, Iranians, Syrians, Sudanese, Wahabies, Zarqawi, the list is never ending. As omeone recently told me, the only thing thats actually so organised in Iraq, is Organised Crime....

I see TV and people are still aruing about the constitution, infact it became such a joke among Iraqis, they dont even care anymore. These are everyday realities that you have to know. Am I hopefull??? I dunno really, I cant really say anymore. Will things get better, well they are bound to but not now, not yet. When???I havent got a clue. But eventually things will get better, thats what we all say, Inshallah, God willingly......

As for now, Im not even sure how much I have left in Iraq. HUBBY wants to stay, but the Organisation we work with is winding down, trying to get rid of many people as they can. So I aint sure whats gonna happen in a few months time, I will just have to wait and see. Do I wanna stay there???Hmmm, if HUBBY stays then YES I wanna stick it out. Dunno if its feasible, so again Ill just have to wait and see. As for the WOB, well, she aint stopping from conspiring against people who she thinks are a threat to her. She tries to get HUBBY involved but he is much smarter than to listen to somone's immaturity. God she never gives up, and the only bloody reason they keep her there is because of her damn connections, which in reality is worthless.

Remember the person I talked about in my last post, the friend that got kidnapped. The minute HUBBY told her the news, she immediately said "My so and so can catch those people, he will get him out of there in no time" Two months on and we havent heard anything yet. Although I still cant talk about the circumstances that the man disappeared in, all I can say is that we still pray for his safety and his life.....

In the past few weeks, we said goodbye to quite a number of people who left Iraq to rejoin their families back in the US. It was extremely sad to see them go, cuz believe it or not many of them really did make a difference. They really did believe in the cause and they worked really hard to achieve a few things for the Iraqi people before going back. People do care, they may be getting paid really well, but at the end of the day, they cared and they did their best. I wish all of them the best of luck for they really were good people.

Well I better go now, I need to take a long hot bath, and enjoy the freedom that both HUBBY and I miss ever so much.....And its One Year On......


PS: I wanna thank everyone who sent me emails, and left comments, you dont understand how these things really help when you are in a war zone and feeling down. Even if some were negative, I still dont mind, it just puts a smile to my face when I really really need it....Thank you all......

Its been over a month since I have last written, today I had that urge, the urge to write, the urge to say everything I have burried inside. I hate to say what Im about to say but I gotto do it to let it out of my system, so please do bare with me, for I have no one to talk to, no one to give me a shoulder to cry on....

So many things have happened during the past month and to be honest Im not a happy Bunny anymore. I dont like being here, infact I cant stand it anymore. These words are very difficult to utter even to myself cuz its a sign of weakness, its a sign of hopelessness, but it is the truth and the only truth that I came to realize. Im disappointed in myself for feeling that way but there you go I ve said it.

Now all I can think about is going away, leaving, packing my bags and never coming back. But Im afraid, Im afraid if I do that I will lose my HUBBY, lose him for good. I had hopes and dreams when I came here, I had a different picture in my mind and Im really disappointed and disgusted at the same time. HUBBY and I lost someone we got to know. Someone extremely kind, extremely funny, extremely spiritual. I cant say more about how we lost him for he aint found yet, and theres that little tiny voice that says keep the faith, he might be still here, breathing the same air, looking at the same stars. But the news came as huge shock to all of us and somehow changed something deep inside.

I ve lost hope in the future of Iraq. I know many of you will find this distrubing but this is generally my own views and what I came to realize by being here. Im sorry, but the free democratic Iraq we all are hoping for wont take place, not now, not in 5 years not even in 10 years unless we get a real government who cares sincerely about the Iraqi people. Iraq needs someone who is honest yet firm, someone who is caring, yet strong. Someone who really is serious in building a country and reviving the people.

People here have no faith in anyone anymore. All the dreams they had during the elections have evaporated, all the hopes have gone and now they live their day just to survive the moment. Some people might think Im painting a very dark picture, Im sorry, but the picture I see from where Im at is dark, extremely dark. Yes you see schools being rehabilitated, yes you see hospitals getting renovated , yes you see construction taking place, bridges, roads, airports, but what does all this mean if people cant enjoy what they see. What do newly painted schools mean, when children get kidnapped???

What does this whole reconstruction mean when you cant even go out and enjoy it. I look at peoples eyes and theres no lustre, its filled with sadness and hopelessness, even me, when I used to see that before, I would try to make them feel better by saying things will change, just give it time, now I dont even dare say these words, for I dont believe in them myself. And whoever says things will change is a dreamer. People are still living in dire circumstances. Electricity is barely there, do you know how that feels when you are in this scorching heat??? Water is not continious. Corruption is everywhere. What kind of a life is this??? Yet Im amazed at how Iraqis are so resilient, they really are survivors, they really have the spirit of Life.

As for my personal life, well, what can I say.....There are good days and there are really bad ones. The Witch of Babylon (WOB) was bothering the hell out of me. For the past 2 months, HUBBY and I would have once a week bad arguement because of her. I cant stand looking at her let alone talking to her. I think I have mentioned in my previous post how she would stick to us like hell, well now she doesnt, thank god for that. She is a very mean person, and no one really likes her except HUBBY I guess. She has devious ways in making people gang up on each other. She aint here to rebuild her country, she is here for a chair. A chair in the organisation. She did the impossible to take away that position from another Iraqi, and that itself disgusted me.

I have worked in many organisations, Iraqi, British, US, I have never ever seen someone like her. Just because she is well connected, it doesnt mean that she can act the way she does. One of her ways is going to people and asking them to write or sign reports about certain individuals who are in her way of getting a high a position, I swear it makes me laugh. Here we thought we got rid of Saddam's ways, when someone who supposedly lived in the US for some time still uses his evil methods. She even uses the same baathists expressions like "I will make my brother cut his legs in half" or "Let him wait and see what will happen to him". She is mean and evil and I want her to get out of my HUBBY's Life.....

Many times I would tell HUBBY to stop being friendly to her but he says its not in his nature to be mean. Men will never understand. I AINT ASKING HIM TO BE MEAN, All Im asking is to keep some limit between their realtionship. I have come to realise, that yes maybe HUBBY does love me, but he doesnt love me enough to even try and make me happy. I know I shouldnt be saying this but yet again this is what I have found out. It saddens me that he doesnt understand my point, and it saddens me even more that when he sees something is bothering me, he doesnt stop doing it. I have to admit though, he stopped asking her to come eat with us, or to go anywhere with us, which infact means quite something. Myabe its just me, maybe its just that I had other expectations, other expectations of what a marriage is supposed to be like.

I mean living here cocooned by T walls, makes you go nuts. Frustration also plays a great role. HUBBY is still adamant in staying here, he gets to leave the GZ and visit sites. Says that people are gratefull, people are happy, but I think that those people are just a small percentage of the whole society. What else can I say, for I know that It will be a long time before I can post again. Umm lets see.

Its something silly but my HAIR!!!!Oh MY God, my hair is a disaster. It hasnt been highlighted nor coloured and the roots are out. There is no place to go to and shopping on the net wont ship hair colour since it has a substance that might cuz an explosion????Huh?? But Im over it now. HUBBY tells me to ask some of female friends to get me somethng from outside, but I wouldnt dare ask anyone. How can I when their life is so difficult and they get someone like me asking them for hair colour, it really is the least of my problems. As for clothes, well the small number of tshirts I got here all got ruined in those damn washers. I really really cant wait to do some tshirt shopping when I go on R&R.

What else can I add???Work has been work from hell. Its been so exhaustig and mind tiring. I can barely do anything after work except take a shower, lay in bed and watch star trek. YESSSSSS, star trek, can you believe it????I used to hate the damn thing but now I cant wait to snuggle next to HUBBY and see whats the next story line. We are watching voyager at the moment, capt Jayne way, chekote, 7 of nine, and what have you. I guess it takes ur mind off things for a while....

As for explosions, we hear them everyday. It became part of life, our life. Kidnappings happen on a daily basis, you dont get to hear it in the news unless its a diplomat or some VIP. But ordinary Iraqis get kidnapped everyday. Ordinary Iraqis get killed everyday. Those men that line up everysingle day to get a job, know deep down that their life will end any minute, yet they still go, they still line up, they still have that courage.

The constitution is gonna be out soon. Now thats something to look forward to. Someone involved in writing up the constitution came by the other day and explained to us what points were disputed on among the committee. It was very interesting to hear what he had to say. From what I can remember some of the points were, federalism, Islam being the main source of reference, dual nationality, the name of the country of Iraq, the 25% share of women being permanent or rotating every 8 years, the name of the country of Iraq and about 4 other points which I cant remember. But it was a fun lecture and very mind opening.

I hope, even though Im quite disappointed now, but I hope I really do, that my people, the people of Iraq will get what they want at the end of day. And right now all they want is security, electricity and a sense of normality to their life. Security by getting rid of all the coackroaches that crawled into the country. Security by catching all those gangs those thieves, those criminals, those barbarians and giving them what they deserve. Security by providing jobs and removing all the corrupt people in high places. Electricity by fixing the damn grids, and giving people some light, a light to look forward to going on....But I will keep on saying this, Iraqis are survivors and they are driven, driven by the Spirit of Life.....