neurotic Iraqi wife

After reaching saturation point from watching news and getting miserable, I decided to take a trip down blog land. And OMG, I found myself forgetting everything around me, and became so indulged in what I was reading. Its amazing the stories out there, mainly the marriage ones. One of them got me laughing so much, its about this married guy who started the blog to vent out from his controlling wife. OMG,loooooooooooool, Im still laughing at the things he had said, cuz youve guessed it, the wife somehow reminded me of MYSELF!!!

I cant say Im a controlling person, but I do like to have HUBBY's attention. Yes that I admit to, I like it if he would call me out of the blue just to tell me I love you, or I miss you, or I cant wait to be with you. And its funny cuz the guy who is writing the blog is complaining how nerve wrecking it is to keep up with his attention seeking wife,LOL. Poor thing, is that how men feel when we whine about not being loved enough??? The blogs I read today took me to places that I really wanted to go.

What I mean by places, is experiences of other people, married people, talking about their relationships, their everyday fears, their everyday chores, basically their everyday LIFE. Something that I truely miss doing. Something that I look forward to and hope will be sometime very soon. To settle down, have a home, have a HUBBY that exists in person and who LIVES with me, not a HUBBY who is thousands of miles away, that has no plan for the future. No, that wont do it for me anymore. I have been living like this for the past 6 months, for many of you, this might be nothing, a very insignificant period, compared to the many women whose husbands are deployed and have been away for a year or so.

But dont forget Im newly married, not that I feel new anymore, infact I feel so old and grumpy, but the blogs I have been reading opened to me many issues that I used to question. Issues that if I do mention I will get comments like "OMG, you are a muslim you shouldnt be talking about this" or "OMG, you are an Arab how can you discuss these things". I absolutely hate to be confined especially when it comes down to my feelings. I dont wanna offend anyone, but there are many subjects that are superficially accounted as TABBOO when in reality they are being done hush hush in the most strict Arabic countries. SO lets not pretend that Arabs dont have sex, lets not pretend that some Arabs ARENT gay, lets not pretend that some Arabs, dont have affairs.

There was one subject that kept triggering at the back of my mind. Its an issue that I keep having with HUBBY, and at times it drives me nuts. HAVING AN AFFAIR. HUBBY being so far away, whats stopping him from having an affair??? Who is watching him, who would know??? Even when we were courting, since he was again so far away from me, I used to argue day in day out, on how would I know if he wasnt seeing anyone.... And Im saying the word I WOULD argue not we cuz simply HUBBY doesnt argue. At first I thought this was odd, I always presumed that men would argue back, but infact I came to realise that most men dont(naturally after reading some blogs), halleluja, Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy, HUBBY is normal.

So the isssue of HUBBY having an affair arises from, me becoming uncertain about how he feels towards me. Many men have affairs even though they still love their wives. I guess they do it cuz probably the relationship lacked some spice or excitement, or even because they wanted to challenge their egos, and see if they still are in the "market". As for me, these thoughts come into mind when I sit down with myself and think, think about "how come he doesnt plan for our future". "How come he doesnt give me a date by which he will be done with his mission in Iraq"." How come, he doesnt tell me that he is so much looking forward to starting a family". All these questions in my head trigger the negative thoughts. Then ofcourse being neurotic as I am, I tend to imagine what would it be like had HUBBY been involved with another woman.

How would I feel???How would I react??? Where would it leave me??? And I have answered all these questions. How would I feel???Hmm, lets see, I would feel cheated, I would feel demeaned, I would feel enraged, hurt, in pain. How would I react, Oh god, I would probably blow the roof. I had done it once before when I found out about the email he never mentioned to me(I posted about that long time ago). Imagine how one email account triggered such a bad reaction of me willing to let go of our marriage, then how about an affair, a real one. Yes I definitely would pack and go and would never look back.

Simply, because I know, and Im saying this not out of conceit, but I know that he would have lost the best wife he could have had. You know how people say that you have to love yourself before being able to love someone, well I never ever loved myself more than anyone, but I did save myself a couple of times in fear of losing it forever because of other individuals. And it took me quite sometime, to be where Im at now, to be comfortable with being me, to be comfortable with being around people, and most importantly to be comfortable getting married. I aint gonna go into that, cuz that was the past that I have buried, though I learnt so much from it, its been long burried and forgotten about.

When I confronted HUBBY about my fear he kept insisting he would never do such a thing, his main justification was he didnt need to. But thats not much of a satisfactory answer, for me that is. I needed more. Maybe I needed more reassurance, more loving words, more ATTENTION. We had agreed though right from the start to be honest with each other and to confide in each other. That is why I say distance is a killer, cuz there are times when I wanna tell him something and try to call but cant get through, and I end up feeling empty. But he swore to me, he never did see anyone while we were courting and while he is in Iraq. So relieved I am...

Ive blabbed so much, I know, I dunno why but I feel much more comfortable after writing the above. I know I probably didnt make sense but Wowww, I feel better. I did speak to HUBBY today, he is fine, looking forward to coming here. Four more days. But now the most horrible part is his trip to the airport from the Green Zone. The road that leads to the airport is nicknamed the "road of death" and its pretty scary to think that HUBBY would be travelling on it. I will keep being worried until he finally reaches here. God, I hope that by some miracle things will calm down in a couple of days, I really do.

Thats it for now, better go and hit the sack for Tomorrow is Another Day......