neurotic Iraqi wife

Five years ago, I had to go and see a psyciatrist. I had to go and see him cuz I was worried about a certain individual's behaviour and wanted to know if he would ever be cured. That certain individual, lets call him D, D for the DEVIL, cuz he sure was one. D was Iraqi with a pretty bad temper.

D seemed charming to everyone, but when caught in a BAD mood, D would batter you up, literally. I suffered pretty badly from D's abuse. For some time I had suffered both mentally and physically. D was pretty clever not to kick with his caterpillar boots in obvious places, instead D would kick you in the thigh, on your back, on the back of your head, in your stomach. One kick wasnt enough, oh no, there were many kicks in one burst of anger. And believe me those bursts werent sporadic. Then the kickin was upgraded to banging. Yup banging your head on the tiles of the floor, banging your head on the walls, banging your head against the radiator, and if you are lucky enough, the banging will be accompanied by glass throwing on your face. Yup that was D, DEVIL D.

So there I was in the middle of a dull room facing the Dr. I had seen many movies where the patient lies down, and talks about their memories and childhood dreams, but I was there not as a patient, I was there on a mission, on a mission to find out why was D like this, and how can D change. It took only 5 minutes for the Dr to tell me the inevitable, that D will never change, cuz simply "a leopard never changes his spots". Hmm pretty reassuring isnt it... I sat there stunned. But why cant D change. how can I help him change??? The Dr simply replied sorry, you cant, no one can. Then with a twist of events the Dr managed to make me, ME, talk about myself. Dunno how he managed to do that, but he's a psyciatrist after all.

I began telling him about me, there I was sitting on a chair, talking to a stranger, telling him everything about myself, my fears, my dreams, my nightmares, and most importantly my hatred of life. I started to cry, when I told him how at times I hated Life, and wanted to just die. Hmm, pretty sad I know.I was ofcourse diagnosed with manic depression. As he took out a piece of paper to write down a prescription for me, I stopped him, and told him"No, I dont want pills, pills wont solve my problems, I need help, please HELP ME".

He looked at me with eyes filled with sadness, bowed his head and said" Sorry dearest, there's nothing I can do or anyone can do, its all in YOUR hands, the key to your happiness is found only with YOU". I cried even more, and sat there like an idiot, not knowing what my next step would be. He asked me if he can relay this session to my father, since my father was pretty worried about me. I immediately refused and said,please dont, you are a Dr and bound by ethics, whatever that has been said here will remain between us and those 4 walls. He nodded and waved me goodbye.

I left the clinic feeling worse than I had entered it. D was incurable, and I was a manic depressive. That was 5 years ago. It took a huge big blow to find the KEY of my soul again. It took quite some kickin, bangin, and glass throwin' for me to choose to save myself and leave D behind. Good riddance to the DEVIL, hope he suffers as much as he made everyone else suffer. That was D, exit D and enter HUBBY. The sweetest guy on this earth. HUBBY my angel. HUBBY who made me realise that I still am able to give love. HUBBY who made me rediscover the feelings of happiness and affection.

You see, when I talk about my insecurities, theres a good reason for that. The reason being, is the fear of losing that KEY. The KEY to my soul, to my spirit. HUBBY has the KEY now, and thats why, I want him, no, I NEED him to use this KEY with great care and affection. With great love and understanding. I want him to know that this KEY is pretty fragile, and needs to be taken care of.

That is why Im so in love and so attached to HUBBY, cuz HUBBY, not always, but most of the time, knows how to use the KEY, how to make me soar up in the sky, and never look back. He knows how to hold the KEY correctly and open the windows to my soul. And ofcourse there are times when he uses the KEY so indifferently, and keeps turning it around but not able to open those darn windows, why???Cuz he aint holding the KEY with care and kindness, he aint holding the KEY to my soul with love and affection.

Yet again, I am writing about things, I probably shouldnt, please excuse me, and I do apologize, but today for some reason I need the KEY so badly, and cant find it. I sure am hoping that in 3 days I will, I will find the KEY....The KEY To My Soul.....