neurotic Iraqi wife

Today marks my 6 months anniversary. The 26th of October 2004. Hmm, so Im a house wife with no house and a wife by correspondence, isnt that exciting..... 6 months have passed and I have spent 13 days with HUBBY in total, I doubt im in an enviable situation.

Apart from complaining for the past 6 months, and shouting down the phone, I have become one insecure lass. And insecurity was never a trait that I had before nor was it something I knew I was capable of being. So what makes me insecure, when supposedly I have a lovely HUBBY, who at times or actually most of the time hates confrontation and goes for the "anyways, I need to go back to work" excuse. What makes me insecure is not the distance, the thousands of miles that separates us but the circumstances which might lead to unwanted consequences.

I was reading a blog which I wont name, since I dont think its wise, but its about this lady, who infact I admire for her resilience, and her posts are very funny and interesting, who is now serving in Iraq, and she talks about how she is so much looking forward to the holiday time she is gonna spend with her husband soon, but at the same time, she cant wait to get back to the friends she made while being deployed. When I read that sentence my heart sank, sank quite deep. For I fear that instead of HUBBY looking forward to his R&R he will be counting the days to going back to the new founded friendships he had made in Iraq.

Can I blame him for having such emotions???When in reality he has spent more time with these people than with his own WIFE??? He ate with them, he worked with them, he had fun with them, he survived with them, he walked with them, he ducked from mortars with them, he had conversations with them for almost 6 months now, while he only did the above(except for the mortars) with me for 13 days. So who has the stronger hold, me, or them???They were his first choice when he wanted to try out the new Iraqi Airways, they seem to be his first choice to share his jokes with.....

So Who am I really for my own HUBBY???What do I represent??? A family??? Well we had no time to make any. A wife with the true meaning of the word???Again we had no time for me to show him what a wife is or can be. Who am I. This is what I keep asking myself. And this is where my insecurities start to have a party with baloons and tidbits. They come in crashing my personal space, pushing me over with their heavy bodies. I fall, and end up next to their bulky shoes, I grab their clothes to help myself up, but the minute I reach their knees, they kick me so hard in the stomach that I fall back again, and this time in pain. I lie down on the floor, staring at their ugly faces, one hand holding my tummy, the other hand covering my heart for I dont want them to ever go near that organ. They dance all night long to stupid songs and their loud voices hovering over my sensitive ears. Once they feel satisfied that they have trashed the place, they leave their dirty footprints on my pure clean space. And where am I???Im still lying down, holding my stomach for the pain hasnt lessened and my other hand on my heart for the thumping has gotten worse.

Can I blame HUBBY if he harbours such feelings???Ofcourse I cant, logic tells me I cant but emotions tell me I definitely can. So which is it gonna be??? Even if I will end up blaming him, I will lose, and if I dont blame him, I will yet again be on the losing side, hmm, its a no win situation.

So Who am I???The love of his life??? No that cant be true, cuz he has lived for 43 years and 13 days out of these years were spent with me(ofcourse thats not counting the whole year we spent getting to know each other). And Im sure that there were many others before me that occupied some kind of affection within his soul. He can be the most caring man on this earth, and at the same time he can be the coldest one alive with his priorities ranging from "rebuilding" Iraq, settling down there, getting a car, finding a house, going on vacation to God knows where(he hasnt settled his mind yet whether its gonna be amsterdam or the moon). Yuhooooo helloooooo and ME???Umm me your WIFE, I tap him on the shoulder to remind him of my existence. As I mentioned before I come in number 6, yaaaaaaaaay, an even number which I still havent gotten used to.

Who is HE???He can be the nicest guys on this earth when he wants to be. He holds doors open for me,(any door you can think of, even the passenger seat just like the black and white movies, aaaaaaah what a gentleman), he carries the groceries or the shopping bags and doesnt let me lay a hand on them for he says "no sweetie, leave them to me, they are quite heavy". He force feeds me, cuz he doesnt want to hug "skin and bones" in bed. He actually waited for me at the hairdressers for one whole hour when I was having my hair styled, he attempted to correct my cooking by adding all the spices that existed in the cupboard and still said I was the "best cook", he keeps holding my hand while doing a u turn or going on a round about. He took me to Orlando cuz I wanted "to relive my childhood dreams". He bought me candy floss on our last day cuz I had mentioned how much I miss eating it. He sat for hours on end in the sun cuz I "wanted to have a sun tan" knowing that his skin is ultra sensitive to the burning rays of the sun. He took me to a casino, cuz I told him how much I love playing Black Jack when he really hates gambling. (Not that we did anything cuz the hotel he took me to had no Black jack tables, only poker which I have no clue how to play) and yes I know its forbidden in my religeon to gamble, but I do it just for the fun. This is my HUBBY the most caring, unselfish(most of the time) guy....

Then he blows all this and tells me he wants to stay in Iraq to contribute in the "rebuilding" process. At first it was a 6 month thing, then it progressed into a one year thing and now its indefinte cuz as he keeps saying "things will will be clearer in the next few months", a sentence which I heard since he first went there.....and one which I tend to finish for him whenever he utters the word "things"

So Who am I to HUBBY??? Now thats the question......