neurotic Iraqi wife

In just a few days and I will be back in that miserable prison again. Its funny how with every R&R it becomes even more difficult to head back. I remember an image that is stuck with me while I was in NY. I was in Madison Avenue just standing there, and everyone is walking by me so fast, I felt just like the movies, where I was static and everything else around me is on the move. I immediately felt time is passing me by. Yes, Time is passing me by and I have achieved nothing, nothing at all. A heavy feeling that burdens my ever so sore shoulders.

I have stopped trying to get HUBBY to quit. I think I have stopped ever since we got back last October. I stopped the nagging, I stopped the moaning. After using every trick in the book, from the seductions to the cooking to everything a man would possibly want, I quit. I guess I didnt have energy left in me, for everything I tried went down the drains. He was adamant in fulfilling his dream. His dream of being that one noble guy who tried everything inorder to help his own people. To help his own people, neglecting his own life. His own life and his own wife. I became extremely neutral. Hmm, maybe neutral isnt the right word here, numb is probably more like it. I decided that I should go with his plans and see where will that lead, hence I stopped being me, I stopped being a nag. A relief to him, no???

He decided to relocate and be closer to his project. HUBBY is no longer in the GZ. And it was only a few days ago that I got to see him after 2 months!!! He is on R&R too but this time the first thing he said when we were having "our chat" was, "Neurotica, Im quitting!". Wow, although I have heard these words before when he gets angry and disappointed, this time he seems more serious, his words more serious. My numbness remained, for I had no words except, Ok, if thats what you want, then do it. Two years back I would have probably jumped up and down, infact a yr back I would have jumped up and down, but now, I dunno. The words didnt move me much. I guess cuz Ive heard them before and so I wont believe it until I see it, or maybe cuz I believe my time isnt up yet. I dunno. Im in such a state of confusion.

I do wanna leave, I wanna leave so badly, yet I dont think its time. At the same time, I have this little voice flashing me that image in NY, and my shoulders just slump. Yesterday, out of the blue I began to cry. I was just sitting there on the sofa with my tears trickling down, I tried to hide my face for I didnt want HUBBY to notice, but my gulps became louder and he saw the tears. Whats wrong, he asked. What happened? I didnt know what to answer, for I myself didnt know what was wrong. Maybe that strong image that I keep portraying to the world is waning away. But last night I was in so much need of a hug. He motioned me to come closer with his hands and he put his arms around me, yet I continued crying. I wanted to be that small little girl again sitting on her fathers lap.

I remember how when I was younger, and I would have nightmares, how easy it was to slip into my parents bed quietly and snuggle between them. The feeling of safety and security was amazing. Yet its a pity how fast I wanted to grow up. Had I had that crystal ball, I would have stayed a child and not opt for leaving my parents so early. In a few more days and I will be back to that emotionless place, Ughhhhhh...Back to the horrible robotic life. Work, eat and sleep. Maybe I will take HUBBY on his offer, maybe I will wake up one day and decide that Ive had had enough. When I asked him what he wanted to do after quitting, he said "I dont wanna do anything, I dont wanna work for anyone anymore, Ive had enough. I just wanna do my own thing". Hmmm, I dont think I can sit and do nothing. Infact just the thought of being stuck at home scares the hell outta me. After working for 2 years, almost 7 days a week, 12 hrs a day, I feel awkward not doing anything. I CANT NOT WORK, NO WAY!!!

So yes, HUBBY is quitting, or so he says. I will just have to wait and see. Its a pity they gave him a hard time. I have never met anyone, anyone in my life, so dedicated to doing his job like him. And no, not because he is HUBBY that Im saying this, for Im always critical of his actions, but its true that HUBBY is probably the one person who really wants his project to work. Almost everyone I know is there for the money, even if there is a small percentage that do believe in the cause, but they dont get emotional if things dont work out. They probably would shudder their shoulders and say "oh well, it didnt work, atleast Im getting my paycheque". But HUBBY has been critisized by his own company for being "emotional" and "too involved". I mean what the hell!!! What do you expect??? Emotional has really become a taboo word. Is being passionate about ones work so bad??? I dont understand. I really dont.

Companies are there to make a killing, HUBBY is there to make a difference. But they killed even that. I remember how I was sitting the other day watching him. He was staring blankly at the TV. I said "Hey, what u lookin at?" He didnt respond. I shouted the words out, he shook his head and said huh? I said what u lookin at? He replied "Nothing, Im just thinking". Thinking thats all he has been doing. You know about what? About his damn project and the people he is trying to help. Im sure Im gonna get comments like "your husband is a collaborator, traitor, etc" Well, I guess I dont mind, since his so called "collaboration" is for his own people. Mind you I say his own people, and not his country, for I dont believe in the country anymore.

I better leave it at that, for I have packing to do. Yeah the story of my life, packing and unpacking, did I ever mention that I have become a professional packer??? For anyone who needs tips on how to pack so efficiently drop me a line and I will be happy to assist you ;-) But for now, its goodbye freedom and hello prison. Goodbye yummy latte's and hello yucky coffee. Goodbye fresh food, hello dfac food. Goodbye king bed and hello tiny bed. Goodbye huge bathroom, hello hole in the wall. Goodbye family and hello lonliness. Goodbye Freedom and Hello Prison...The Green Zone Prison....