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neurotic Iraqi wife

January 01, 2006

Peace of the Soul......

What a way to embrace the New Years, but with gunfire and a few car bombs....Thats the way it is here, here in Baghdad....I watch the CNN, and see people all around the world celebrating and having a good time, getting together with loved ones, and counting down the seconds for the arrival of a new fresh year....People in Iraq though, sat cautiously at home, among family, having little hope that this coming year will be a better one....But what really counts is that hope, that little hope that everyone still has.....

I on the other hand slept away.....its the first new years i spend it with HUBBY as my HUBBY.....got woken up by him at midnight, didnt even know it until I woke up and he told me....Havent written in a while....everytime I attempt to write something, I become so discouraged and shut the darn thing off....Things were pretty difficult for me in the past few months....HUBBY and I were having a pretty bad time....Things became so bad between us that we both were considering of giving up on the relationship...I say it now in a normal tone, but believe me it wasnt normal at that time...

The past 6 months of us living together taught me many things, although this environment is not a typical one, nevertheless, if you survive a relationship, then I believe you can survive anything....It was a rollercoaster ride, one day up and 20 down....at one time, it had gotten so bad that i tried to venture out in the red zone, thinking hey what the heck, I lost my HUBBY, I might as well lose myself....funny enough, i got lost in the GZ couldnt find the way to the red zone (I really have a bad sense of direction) and had to call him to get me back....And no things didnt go back to normal then....

HUBBY says I have changed, says I aint the woman he fell in love with and married...there may be a slight percentage of truth in that statement....I think most of you who read my blog knew how madly in love I am with him, and when the opportunity for me to join him came up I was ecstatic....But I was shocked many times by his attitude, by his cold demeanour with me, by the way he treated me when he knew how i felt about the WOB.....and so there is only too much one can do and one can take....I guess thats what happenend with me.....I realised that I was loving him the wrong way.....or maybe not the wrong way, but my way....And so without realising, I became a little bit indifferent, indifferent is a harsh word, cant think of another one....He had hurt me too much and wounded my being to the point where it stopped hurting....

I began to pour all my energy in my work....Would stay in the office till 12 or 1 in the morning, working as hard as I can.....I guess I just wanted to get away from my reality....I began smiling and joking with everyone, until this one person showed up....A certain Leutenant Colonel....How things work here in Iraq, is you have an organisation that takes up the responsibility of rebuilding Iraq.....And overlooking that organisation is the US government. Every sector has a government lead and overall we have a Colonel and a Leutenant Colonel that are our Bosses in a way...or as they call them here, our clients....So in any case, I started working closely with the LTC, and HUBBY just went bonkers....Ever since then, things between us went downhill....For me its doing my job, for HUBBY who btw made it clear many times that he never gets jealous, was Im putting him down infront of everyone...Umm, how can I put him down infront of people by doing my job...I know my limits, I know where to draw the line....I kinda see it differently...He was like that with his WOB....laughing and joking.....telling me that I shouldnt interfere with his work, so why should he interfere with mine???Simple...cuz Im a woman....and he is sooooo wrong.....He couldnt fathom the fact that everyone cant stand this LTC, except me....Tells me that he is after only one thing....I hate that, I hate that kind of thinking.....

HUBBY hurt me a few times, neglected me, neglected my needs, my emotional needs....Closed his door on me and expected me to stay the same....I always tell him its the little things that count....a show of love out of the blue.....a kiss...a hug....appreciation....I dont care for material things, I dont even care for presents...my birthday came and went....and he did nothing, nothing at all to make me feel special...All my family called up....While HUBBY just sat there on that darn internet, cared less....and thats what hurts.....I think he needs some lessons on "how to make your wife special".....

We went on R&R, and things went downhill.....but right now, we are in process of trying to get back what we had, the feelings, the emotions, and most of all the Love. Im happy that things are starting to look better, starting to improve, for I do love HUBBY, and I dont want to ever lose him. I know that no one is perfect, for I myself im far from that, I know he loves me, I know he cares.....He goes through phases of "I think its better if we get a divorce" at times I feel he means it, and it hurts me so much I feel the excruciating pain, at other times I know he just says it to see my reaction....I dunno, maybe he is going through mid life crisis???doesnt it start in the 40's???

So basically my marital life overshadowed all the other stuff going around me...I did vote though...People are not happy about the results so far.... At work, my colleagues say that if the new government is the same as the last, which it is, then even that little hope they have will be gone....They are tired of living the way they do....They are tired of getting a government that just cares about its own agenda and not its own people....People are just tired and drained out, but they are survivors......

Im gonna leave it at that and say to all of you Happy New Years, and may this coming year, be a better one, a good one, filled with hope, filled with dreams, filled with sunshine and warmth, and most of all, filled with Peace, Peace of the minds, Peace of the Hearts and not forgetting the one Peace that everyone should have.....Peace of the Soul.......
posted by neurotic_wife at 3:42 PM 35 comments