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neurotic Iraqi wife

July 28, 2006

DELETE...CLICK...

Pause....Play....Fastforward...Rewind...Oh wait…Pause again...hmm…Play...How easy things will be if life was controlled with a click of a button on a remote control....Just like the movie Click...

Things at home got really bad…And when I say bad I mean really really bad....HUBBY and I reached a point of no return...In a moment of anger and frustration we both decided it was best for us to go separate ways...As I sat there in silence, my life with HUBBY flashed infront of me....a movie strip...a movie strip of memories... I remembered the first day in our room in Baghdad...We heard a mortar and he jumped over me to protect me...I remembered another day, when I was smoking outside infront of our office building, 3 loud explosions took place across the river, he ran so fast and pushed me inside the bunker and hugged me... PAUSE...

Another day, another memory....I was crying cuz I was exhausted from working so late... An ex boss who couldnt make his mind up on what to write in a certain report drove me up the wall... I got so angry and from frustration I started crying..crying so hard....HUBBY came over....sat next to me...calmed me down...smiled at me and said "Hey, look theres nothing worth these tears, I will help you"...and he did.... PAUSE...

Many memories....many moments...As I sat there remembering, I began to cry...I went to the room, sat in the corner and questioned God...Why??? Why God???Why???Im not a bad person...I never harmed anyone...Why??? I even said "I know youre busy listening to the cries of those in war...I know you dont have time for me, but Why God???Why???All I wanted was to live a normal happy life...Thats all...I never asked for anything more...Never wanted more...WHY GOD???

Angry and disappointed, I cried until my body started aching...I was screaming at God...Screaming at him so hard but in silence....I got up, went back to the living room and sat there...HUBBY just seemed oblivious...After a few minutes, I said "help me, this is too painful...please help me".... He gestured with his hands and said "come here, come here next to me" ...PAUSE...

We talked, talked about everything...talked about what we both wanted...talked about his bad mood...talked and talked and talked...We realised that we both wanted this to work...That we werent ready to give up...Not so easily...He explained his attitude towards the blog, and so we made a pact...He will stop reading, and I should be more lenient...hmm...Yes I admit, I was harsh, but thats only because I didnt know why he was behaving the way he was....I needed to vent...So HUBBY is back to his normal self, and even better...Its funny how I thought he never thought of me when he would go and get some food for himself...He would just sit there and eat...When infact, his pride never allowed him to tell me, that in that extra bag is some for me too...

Marriage is a learning process...nothing is easy...especially when this is the first time we are together....together in normal circumstances...I think we needed to reach the end, before we start living the beginning...

As for my sister, she has been back from Lebanon...She told me, that almost all her Lebanese friends in the North, blame Hezbollah for all this... They dont want him...They blame him for the deaths and destruction...She described to me the Syrian border and how thousands of families were trying to flee...Some who were Palestinians living in Lebanon, were refused entry because of lack of papers...etc...But she said all in all, Syrian officers were really helpful, giving out water and trying their best to assist people... But ofcourse nothing comes free...She told me how she saw a couple of people sliding some money into officer's hands etc...

The situation everywhere is dire...In Lebanon, hundreds of people died...As Im sitting writing this, theres a program on TV....a telecon program organised by the Emirates for donations from all over the world to help lebanon (incase anyone wants to help, the number is 009714 3670011)...So far it has reached 30M dirhams...The program is also showing some of those injured...Their stories...Children whose parents were lost in the bombings...A girl not older than 8...her eyes are covered...her face filled with shrapnel...crying...crying for her mom...Click...rewind...Pause...

Another scene, its Beirut, men carrying a coffin...a coffin of a guy...a guy who was supposed to get married...Yet his life was cut short....cut short so soon...such is life...Click...rewind...Pause...

A woman in hospital...her child died....her knees couldnt carry her...she falls....couldnt take the news...Cant believe the news...Click...rewind...Pause...

The world is just watching as these children die...The world is just watching...DELETE...DELETE...DELETE....

And lets not forget my beloved country...my beloved country Iraq...Iraq that is still bleeding...Iraq that was bleeding during Saddam's time, and is bleeding more even now...I wish I can control all this...Pause...rewind...DELETE...

Imagine...Imagine a hollow soul....a hollow soul walking aimlessly in the streets...A hollow soul that lost its sight and its head is hanging loosely to its side...It walks and walks amongst the rubble...keeps tripping and falling...Yet with every fall, it gets up, gets up stronger... stronger than before...determined...determined to find the way... The way that leads to its spirit...The spirit that has been far gone...The spirit that with time just waned away...waned and disappeared...disappeared into the darkness...disappeared without any warning...disappeared and left behind a hollow soul...A hollow soul finding its way through the darkness...

Imagine...A spirit...A lively spirit...A lively spirit that loved life....loved life and embraced it...embraced it so hard it wouldnt let go...One day that spirit decided to take a ride...a ride on a rollercoaster...for the spirit always loved the adrelanin rush...Always seeked fun ...This rollercoaster in paricular was pretty long...Long and you can never see its end...The ups were high...the downs were, well downs...But the spirit with its eagerness to embrace life and enjoy it, forgot to read the fine print before queuing up...The fine print said "Beware, the downs are far more longer and more dangerous than the ups...Be prepared...this ride is only for the strong willed"...

At first the spirit was excited...didnt mind the downs...piece of cake...as the ride went deeper...the downs became steeper...steeper and more difficult...steeper and treacherous...Hours and hours passed...The spirit began to lose its grip...Began to lose the excitement...The adrelanin rush became more of a nausious sensation...The smile...the spirit's smile began to slowly diminish...The spirit prayed for the rollercoaster to come to an end...But again with the spirits eagerness to embrace life and enjoy it forgot to read the fine print before queuing up....The fine print said "Beware...this rollercoaster has no end"...

Darkness fell...the rollercoaster went on and on...The spirits smile disappeared...It fought itself and kept holding on to the rails...Slowly.....the grip.... was gone .....Gone forever...For the spirit is only human...Human with no superpowers...Human...the spirit for a selfish moment of joy lost its self...Lost its self for good...Lost it amid the chaos...the chaos of the rollercoaster...The rollercaoster of life... But the Soul...The hollow soul is determined...determined to find its spirit...For the spirit is the one that kept it alive...The spirit is the one thing that gave the soul Hope... The spirit is the one thing that gave the soul Love... This is all Im gonna write today...For the world has lost its unity...Has lost its spirit....Pause...Rewind...DELETE....CLICK....

PS: I was gonna quit blogging, but with every comment I got, every email I received, I became stronger...Thank you...Thanx to everyone...I was in shock...in shock to see the amount of people who really are interested in what I have to say...I never knew my words were of that importance...I never thought that my silly ramblings were heard...Im so grateful...ever so grateful...THANK YOU...Thank you for your support...
posted by neurotic_wife at 6:49 PM

15 Comments:

Hooray! She's Back! I must say NIW you gave me a bit of a scare. I thought this blog was over and done with. How sad I thought, HUBBY has won the day and we out here have lost our view of the human story. 'Is this how it is in Arab marraiges? What HUBBY says goes regardless of the cost to the wife?' Ah, but you both give me hope. Thank HUBBY for us for allowing you to express yourself, you have an amazing gift as a writer.

July 28, 2006 at 9:25 PM  

NIW, two things that help keep my marriage strong: 1) Talk. Say what is in your heart and mind - without anger. 2) I always remind him that I love him and I am on his side. Just because we disagree doesn't mean I don't love him.

July 28, 2006 at 10:42 PM  

I knew a resolution would be found and your broadcasts would continue. Best wishes to the both of you.

July 28, 2006 at 11:10 PM  

So glad you and hubby passed through this ordeal by opening your hearts to each other in meaningful conversation! This won't be the last disruption in your marriage, and it may not be the worst. But, it's always better to go THROUGH the problems (prayers do help), instead of going around the problems or running from them. With every obstacle you overcome together, you're sowing a seed for your future harvest as a couple.

I enjoyed reading your roller coaster analogy. Your perspectives are always interesting and unique. BTW, did hubby read the comments you received? If he did, he must know he has a lot of support from your readers.

Victoria offered some very good advise. Remember, there's a difference between a person's "who" and their "do". You can love someone deeply, without liking everything they do.

July 28, 2006 at 11:30 PM  

Welcome back

July 28, 2006 at 11:46 PM  

I am happy you are back.

I would have felt like I had lost a friend.

Welcome home!

July 29, 2006 at 12:04 AM  

Where will you be in 5 years?

That should be your top priorety.

July 29, 2006 at 5:47 AM  

YOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND EMOTIONS DO MATTER TO ALOT OF PEOPLE.WHEN I READ SOMETHING THAT BRINGS ME TO TEARS THEN YES IT DOES MATTER. YOUR VOICE NEEDS TO BE HEARD THROUGH OUT THE WORLD. MAY GOD BLESS US ALL.

July 29, 2006 at 5:55 AM  

I'm glad you are okay. And it's important to have a place to express yourself. And it's very important to communicate, too. Which I guess you know.

Hang in there.

July 29, 2006 at 9:58 AM  

LOOKING FOR A NEUROTIC WIFE? ONLY THE BEST ONES IN MY WEBZINE

http://www.strudeltimes.it/sex_and_electricity.htm

gIVE A LOOK FIND SOMEBODY YOU KNOW ... strudel

July 30, 2006 at 12:23 AM  

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 30, 2006 at 11:31 AM  

Thank you for your bravery and honesty. So glad you were able to come to a compromise....and so good to have you blogging again. Your word pictures touch my heart. So easy for us to hit that DELETE button. Blessings to you and yours.

July 30, 2006 at 1:31 PM  

Hey thanx all...Im trying my best...Marriage is difficult...and yes I do agree and believe that communication is key...but I guess it differs from one person to another on how to "communicate"...

As for writing...I cant do without it...

Thanx again to all of you...Btw, I always keep migraine tablets handy for all of you that get headaches after reading me...just buzz me and I will DHL them.... :-)

July 31, 2006 at 12:44 AM  

I am so very happy that you have chosen to continue blogging. I look forward to hearing what is going on in your life and in your country. What a gift you have been to many. Thank you.

August 1, 2006 at 6:20 PM  

Hi I am Gopal from India...just came across your thoughts. Remember that all right minded people are with you and all of your country..its so sad to read what is happening..may god be with you

August 3, 2006 at 7:39 PM  

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