neurotic Iraqi wife

Shrouded in Black....

2011-07-11T11:55:00.003+03:00

A few days ago I was searching on Google about souls and I somehow ended up on my blog. I started reading the words that I have written long ago and for some odd reason I couldnt seem to remember any of it. But reading it made me crave writing again. Something I havent done for almost a year. I do write, but its all in my mind. I can see words floating around whenever I close my eyes. But I guess I was too scared to put them on paper, too scared that my words wont make any sense. Wont make any sense to me.

But today, today I am writing. I am writing for selfish reasons. Today Im writing because I feel alone. I feel alone and I need someone, something to soothe me. Today Im writing because just 3 weeks ago, I lost my mother. I lost my mom 22 months after losing my dad. Today Im writing because Im in pain. A pain that doesnt seem to want to go away. A pain that is so so deep, even time wont be able to heal it. My parents werent that old. No. Not at all. My parents were so energetic and fun. So loving and caring. My parents were so beautiful. Beautiful and young at heart. But now, now they are both gone. Gone, leaving behind them four children that are in utter and utmost shock.

My mom fought like no one I knew or will ever know. My mom fought because in her own words when she was asked whether she was scared to die, she said no. No Im not scared to die, but Im scared for my children. My children who are still suffering from their dad's passing. I dont want my children to suffer she said. I dont want my children to suffer for me. Yet she suffered. Suffered for us. She tried so hard. So hard to stay alive. She was poked, poked and prodded until her body became like a canvas of blackness. I never wanted to be there when she was leaving but good thing I was. Good thing we all were.

As the angel of death was taking her soul away, she looked at each and everyone of us. She looked at us for one last time. The very last time...Aaaaakh ya mama. Aaaaakh Ishgad mishtaqatlich. I miss you. I miss you so much. People dont know what to say to us anymore. They tell us that their words wont make a difference. They tell us that we have to go on with our lives. Surely we will, but it wont be the same. Wont be the same without you both.

Yes Im writing. Im writing today because there are no more tears left in me. No more tears to soothe my pain. Im writing today because there is nothing left. Nothing left but words. Words that are shrouded. Shrouded in Black....

Que sera sera...

2010-09-14T08:45:00.007+03:00

There was always this nagging feeling deep within me that Im on this earth for a reason. God put me here to do something, to be someone. And no,Im not talking about fame, nor fortune. I had so many questions, asked him everynight. Why? Why am I here God? Why bring me into this foresaken world?Night after night for so many years I asked him. Yet he never replied. Or maybe he did and I never heard. Or maybe I heard but I didnt want to listen.

Today after all these years I stopped asking. I stopped asking not because I gave up but because I now know what the answer is. I finally got to listen. I finally managed to make sense of it all. Sense from all the non sense around me. I always thought that Id be a writer. A writer with a voice. A voice for the people. The Iraqi people. Unfortunately though, I failed. And failed miserably. Though my voice was loud, it wasnt loud enough. My words may have been strong but not strong enough. And just like I did, people may have heard me, they heard me but chose not to listen. Now my calling is beyond any love. Any love for one's country, beyond any love for one's people. Now my calling is more than Love. Its way way more than that. And my voice will be louder. Much louder than it ever was. Because this time, this time its about survival, survival of the closest being to my heart.

My journey as a wife has come to an end. Im still a wife, but more importantly I have begun a new life. A new life as a mother. A mother of 2 beautiful creatures. This time though, the journey will be long. Long and rough. It started already on board of a long haul flight. A long haul flight thats taking me to places Ive never seen. Places Ive never heard of.

And so my friends, I want to thank you. Thank you for all your words. Thank you for all the support Ive had throughout these years. I want to thank you for being there for me when HUBBY abandoned me for our country. I want to thank you for being there for me when I was bombarded by rockets. I want to thank you for sharing with me my dreams, my hopes, my sadness. Each and everyone that read and posted on my blog, be it good or bad you were and will always remain a part of that initial journey. A part of neurotic iraqi wife's life. A part of my past laughters and past cries. So thank you. Thank you for every word you have written to me...

Right now though I have landed to my first destination. Its a far far away place, but if you know me well enough, and still want to accompany me on this long haul turbulent flight, there is no doubt you will be able to find me. I will not publicize my new place/blog for I did that mistake before. So for now, this journey has come to an end. A Bitter Sweet end. And just like my dad used to always sing to us, Que sera sera whatever will be, will be...The Future is not ours to see. What will be will be...Que sera sera....

THE END...

Waiting...

2010-08-15T12:20:00.004+03:00

In less than a week, a year would have been passed. 365 days Baba. 365 Days without seeing you, without hearing you, without touching you. 365 days of utter and utmost heart break. I have prayed for you every night, talked to you every day. Remembered you every second. Yesterday I shed tears for the umpteenth time. HUBBY and I were walking with one of the boys in the streets of London, and there, right infront of my eyes I saw your favourite place. OUR favourite Place. Foyles. Foyles the bookshop. I stopped in my tracks and forgot all about the rain. HUBBY looked at me while he was pushing the stroller and said cmon Neurotica, wake up, yella move.

My tears kept flowing and he knew somethng was up. This is Baba's place I said. This is our special time. Every Saturday when he'd visit London he would take me to Foyles ever since I was a child. We would spend hours upon hours reading and buying books. He instilled in me the love for learning, the love for reading. After we are done with our purchases, he would take me to the Fish and Chips place next door. Aaaaaaaakh ya baba Aaaaaaaaaaakh. Aaaaaaaaakh the pain doesnt want to go away. I miss you, miss you sooooo sooooo much. I truly wish you were here.

I dont really have much good news Baba. One of the boys isnt feeling too well unfortunately. We had to pack our bags and leave in a night to come here. I lost all hope in Dr's in AD. I hate them, and hate them with a vengeance. They took you away from me, and now they were about to take my son. They wouldnt listen to me when I tell them I know something is up. They kept telling me I worry too much. But a mothers instinct is far too strong. I refused their misdiagnosis and am taking him to the best doctors here. Ilhamdilla, things are beginning to brighten up again. He is doing much better. I had to leave my other son with D, we had no choice, but I will be going to get him very soon. And Baba, I know youre not gonna like this, but we are most probably moving to the States for good. Yes I know, I know Baba you always wanted me to stay to be with the family, bes I cant. I cant risk my boys health anymore. I really cant, and Im sure had you been here, you yourself will tell me to go. Im doing this for them and them only.

Yes its gonna be a nightmare with no help, no family, no friends, absolutely no one. Im going to be a total wreck. But if its for my childrens sake, then who cares about me. I give them my life and not see them suffer. I had plans baba. Big plans for their first birthday. We all knew if you were still with us, you would throw them the biggest party ever. And based upon that, I was planning something big, something special BUT. But with one of them sick, and us not going to be in AD anymore, we will probably just get them a small cake, a small candle, and wait for you to visit so we can all blow the candles together. Please do come and visit, even for just a few minutes. I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you Baba. Waiting...

The Blissful Eternal Journey...

2010-03-07T20:46:00.000+02:00

To the Star that lit my skies

To the breeze that cooled me down

To my dearest beautiful Baba

As I walked on that desert sand passing by the numbers, the numbers that identify those who left this world, I saw you. I saw your name on that plaque, and the tears streamed down my cheeks. I couldnt help it baba. I really couldnt. How can it be, "Il marhoom ......"The words sent chills down my spine. I sat down on the bench, staring at your resting place. Read the Fat ha on your soul, and out of the blue a sudden serenity overcame me. I began to smile. Smile for I remembered a joke we shared together. Maybe it was you talking to me, telling me not to despair. Yes I finally managed to get away from my boys to get to see you. Im sorry I havent visited you in so so long, I hope you can forgive me.

Baba, the day you have been looking forward to finally came. The elections were today. And yes I know you are going to be upset with me, for I refused to go. Im sorry, but there is no one that I believe can bring a better life to the Iraqis. All the promises that these people claim to bring to Iraq are false. They entered the election race to satisfy their own egos. Their own egos and their own needs. I gave my voice a few years ago, but it was never heard. I lifted my purpe finger with pride, but it got broken. I had hopes, and big dreams, but now, now I no longer dream of a better Iraq. I may hope for a better Iraq, not for my sake, but for the Iraqi people's sake, but to dream it?No. I cant.

Yes Baba, I know you dont agree with me. I know that you always had hope. BIG hope. And thats what makes you a great man. You never give up. Even on your hospital bed, a few days before you were gone, you were so upset and angry by the bombings that took place in Baghdad. I was shocked. There we were, worried about you, and yet, you werent worried about yourself, but worried about your countrymen instead. Baba, there is no honest man out there, believe me. Their words stopped meaning anything to me. For I know, I know that the Iraq you have known will never come back. Not now, not in my children's lifetime, not ever. And no, Im not being a pessimist as you used to call me, but a realist.

Many people are calling this a historical moment. What history? Are we gonna call every election a historical moment?Thats something I dont understand. What kind of history are they making. What will my little ones read when they grow up?Iraq, the Shattered Dream? Hundreds of thousands of people are risking their lives because of Hope. And maybe Hope is the only thing they have right now. But for me this is nothing but a repeat of a definite failure. Sorry Baba, I dont want to upset you, but you always told us to speak our minds, and this is exactly whats on my mind.

I spent my day instead sniffing my boys' sweet feet, an addiction that I cant get enough of, for they have such yummy feet Baba. Speaking of the boys, they are growing so fast. I can tell already that they will be cheeky little munchkins. And Baba they are total opposites of each other in every way possible. From looks to behaviour to habbits, it just amazes me how can these two come from the same two people. There is one thing and one thing only they have in common though.

One day as I was playing with one of them, I could tell he was mesmerised by something. I look, and out of all the photos on that table, he was staring at yours. Staring and smiling. The exact same thing happened with his brother.Yes, can you believe it?It took me by a total surprise. So now, whenever they look at you, I say yes, yes this is your Jiddo, your amazing Jiddo. I dont want their first words to be mama or baba or even dada. No, I want their first word to be Jiddo. What do you say?

Offffffff ya baba, how much I miss you. Yella come back, come back, your grandsons are waiting for you. Your grandsons are waiting to hear that deep laughter of yours, are waiting for their Jiddo to play with them. Yella come on, this trip of yours is taking too long. Way too long. Nevertheless I hope youre enjoying the Journey. The Blissful Eternal Journey...

My Guardian Angel....

2010-02-25T03:07:00.001+02:00

To the sun that brightened my days

To the moon that calmed my nights

To my dearest beloved Baba

I do apologize for not writing to you in so long, I know, I know that I have promised to write everyday, but everytime I hold that pen and flip that page, I realize that I have so much to tell you, yet the words never come out. Its been a tough six months Baba, very tough. Since you left life has just become so bitter, bitter and dull. All of us became like robots, trying to go on with our daily lives, but in reality a huge chunk of our hearts died with you.

Im not sure where to start Baba. What do I tell you about my life?Your grandsons were born on the 1st of Oct, just six weeks after you were gone. Aaaaakh if only you waited. If only god gave you a few more weeks, but what can I say. For I have been very angry with God, so angry that at times I just felt faithless. He took away the one person in this world that truly loved me, the one person in this world that truly cared for me, so why should I love him back? Why should I be that faithful slave, WHY? But then again Im far too weak to stay faithless, for God did bless me with you and my 2 beautiful boys.

You cant believe Baba how one of them is such a photocopy of you. He has your sparkling blue eyes (the only grandchild who managed it), he has your fair skin. He even has that smile of yours, and you know what, we actually named him after you. Yes I know, I had another name for him, but once you passed, I did not hesitate one bit that one of my boys will have your name. And he was the lucky one. Oh Baba, if only you can see them. There are times where I imagine you sitting with me in the room while I play with them, and you'd be talking to them, scaring them with your deep voice like you used to with the other grandkids. Id start laughing so much until my tears become that of sadness. Oh how I wish you were here.

You will be proud of me Baba, very proud. I have endured situations where I would never have thought I can. But I did. Everytime I want to give up, I feel that light pat on my shoulder, the one that tells me, all will be ok, just be patient. And aaaaah what patience do I really have. Im sure if it was someone else in my place, they would have definitely given up a long long time ago. Two weeks after I delivered, Mama discovered she was very ill and had to leave for treatment. Once my siblings and I found out the news, we just went numb. How could this happen?First you, and now Mama. Now you see why I was faithless for awhile. Can you blame me Baba?

The slight happiness that my boys brought to our lives was again gone. But Il hamdilla, things are ok now, as you already know. For you came in my dream to welcome Mama back home. I loved seeing you and felt your extreme relief for her return to her own place. I wonder, do my kids see you when they sleep? Is it you that make them giggle uncontrollably and once you wave goodbye they start crying inconsolably?Im sure its you, It must be you.

People kept soothing me, time is the best healer they said. Funny enough, as the days pass, the yearning for you becomes even more and more. And who told those people I want to be healed?I never want to be healed from your pain.How dare they even suggest a thing like that. I dont want time to pass by, no I dont. I convinced myself that you are on a very long business trip and that you will be coming back any time. Any time now, you will open that door and come and say hi to me and the kids. You will love them for sure. For they are such smart cookies Baba. But oh what a handful. Im exhausted, Im exhausted and drained both physically and mentally.

One of the boys (surprisingly the one named after you) has so many problems. One of them is reflux, and a few times he actually choked to the point he turned blue and stopped breathing. Baba, I thought I was gonna lose him, lose him for good. You cant imagine the fear I was living in, and still live in for that guy. I just wish that this is just a short phase he is going through.

I have so much more to tell you, but I think I will keep it for another day. And Baba, before I leave you in peace, I want to let you know, that I truly love you and miss you and want you back. I want you back so badly, you were my backbone, you were the only person in this whole universe that I could rely on and you were the only person in this whole universe that understood me. Im sorry, very sorry for all the pain I have caused you, and all the heartache that my immature self had bestowed on you many many years back...Baba you are my angel. My Guardian Angel...

A Heavenly Peace...

2009-09-12T11:35:00.003+03:00

Yes its been long. Very long. But tragedy has hit home. When I was in my twenties, I had vowed to never go to a funeral or a gathering of women mourning. NEVER. My heart couldnt take it after witnessing my fifty year old cousin pass away. Yet 3 weeks ago I see myself in the middle of it all. Three weeks ago, I was the one wailing. The one pulling my hair. Three weeks ago, I was the one falling to the ground begging people to bring my father back. Back to me. On the 21st of Aug my father passed. Passed to the other world.

As I write these words, my heart wrenches for him. My heart aches for him. Aches for his touch, for his beautiful luminous smile. Aches for his soothing words. My heart aches for his eyes, his deep blue sea eyes. The love of my life is gone. GONE. Yet my mind still doesnt want to believe it. I honestly dont believe that I will never see him again. I dont believe that his index finger will never circle my swelling belly again. I dont believe that he will never hug me, will never squish me between his arms. I dont believe that he wont meet my babies. The babies that he was so eager to meet, to hold, to touch, to play with. My dad left us but I know he fought really hard to stay for us.

Till this day we dont know what exactly happened. He was diagnosed with advanced cancer back in late June. And in less than 2 months he was gone. Some doctors said he was doing very well, others said he only had a few weeks. A FEW WEEKS starting from end of Aug. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FEW WEEKS!!!WHERE??? We know something went wrong somewhere. We know it in our hearts. They did a mistake, and my dad was the victim. I have so much anger inside, so much hatred towards these ignorant doctors. But whats the point. It will never bring my father back. It will never heal our bleeding hearts. NEVER.

Yes I vowed a long time ago, yet here I am, in the middle of all of this, wailing, begging strangers to bring my dad back. We visited him a few times, and every time I go, I cant believe how can such a strong man end up under the ground, under the ground with the scorching sun above him, and the ants crawling all over. HOW?How and Why?It was his birthday on the 9th. We took a cake, sang for him Happy Birthday, but as I started to say the words Happy, my voice cracked and my tears kept flowing over the dirt. I couldnt continue. I just couldnt. I so wanted my dad to be the one singing with us, I so wanted him to blow his own candles.

At night I stay awake thinking, if only he waited. If only he waited a few more weeks. If only he waited to see my babies. My babies that are due soon. If Only...Who is gonna pamper them now? Who is gonna tease them? Oh how much I miss my dad. How much I crave for his tenderness. For his vision. His vision of a better Iraq. A unified Iraq. As we were going through his papers, we found so many charities he was giving to, so many donations he had made, yet he never ever uttered a word. So many families he helped, so many children he fed and paid for their education. How can we live upto such a man. How can we be like him? But I know that its our duty to continue his legacy. Its our responsibility to continue in his footsteps.

Dad, you are always here, here with us. Here in our hearts, our hearts and minds. I know you will be there smiling over me, smiling over me, when Im having your grandsons. I know you will bless them with your kindness. Yes dad, I will be waiting for you. Waiting for your scent to pass by me, by us just like it did the other day. I know you are here. And I know you are in heaven. Rest in Peace...A Heavenly Peace...

The Neurotic Iraqi Mom...

2009-05-08T14:40:00.005+03:00

The cries of that lady startled me. I so wanted to go and talk to her. Talk to her and tell her all is gonna be ok. All is gonna be fine, but I just couldnt. I couldnt move. I was stuck. Stuck on that hard bed wired to that heavy IV drip. I couldnt muster the energy. I looked around me and I too began to cry. I was lying there immobile, in that morbid place, ALONE. Separating us was a curtain. A dull patterned curtain. Everything in that place smelt sterile, felt sterile. How many cries did these walls witness. How many whimpers did these curtains see.

I touched my belly ever so softly, "tell me youre gonna be just fine" I whispered. I repeated the words but this time with urgency, "Please tell me youre gonna be fine" I begged. But I know theyre fighters. Theyre my fighters. Theyre fighters just like their mom. I prayed for I dont know how long until I guess I dozed off. Then the mobile rang. I woke up with a jolt, Its HUBBY. Oh how I wished he was here with me, with us.

I wanted time to pass. I wanted to get out of there. Whenever they brought in those food trays I just pushed it away. I didnt feel like eating. But then I remembered. Its not just me now. I have 2 more mouths to feed. Theyve probably been traumatized as well. So I picked on those boiled carrots and shoved them in my mouth. Then I took a bite from that piece of broiled fish. I wanted to spit it out so badly, but I chewed it so fast and gulped it down. Its not just me now. I have two more mouths to feed, I reminded myself.

They day I was released was like a dream. Wow, I can actually see the daylight. I can see the sun. No more pale dull curtains isolating me from the world. No more painful IV tubes stuck in my veins. No more lonely cries. The relief, the relief I tell you is beyond any I have known. At the same time, the worry is still there. "You have a high risk pregnancy" Words that keep resonating in my ears. "You can lose them anytime" Ughhh I so despise these words. I so despise the constant fear Im in. But again, I know. I know theyre fighters. I know that God is watching over them. God is guarding them.

And no this isnt just a story Im telling, nor a dream. Nor is it a nightmare that my subconsious mind has made up. This is a reality. Here I am sitting typing this post, and looking at my cute rounded belly. And yes it is cute, for I never thought EVER after all these years of dreaming, of hoping, that I will finally have my own children. My own beautiful kids. And yes, inside there is not just one, but two. Two little munchkins waiting for their time to come to be released into this world, into my arms. And my arms are so ready to have them, to hold them, to embrace them.

Im no longer just a wife. The Neurotic Iraqi Wife. Im now a Mom. The Neurotic Iraqi Mom....

The Best All Around Soldier...

2009-03-26T16:02:00.003+02:00

Wow, its been ages hasn’t it!!! I do apologize to all my loyal readers, never thought I’d find so many comments, cant even catch up. Did not think I would be missed, its nice to know, thank you! Don’t worry I havent died yet, lol.

Well I did get my eye back, and managed to squirm away from an operation that the Dr wanted to carry out on me. There was no way in hell I would allow a scalpel near my eye. I know Im crazy, but umm not THAT crazy. So here I am disobeying doctor’s orders and wearing my lenses again. I think the infection or whatever I had subsided and I no longer have the valkyrie eye, yaaaaaaaaaaay.

So what happened in the last 2 months. Lets see, nothing too interesting. People mentioned the octo mum, and actually I was enthralled with that story. Not sure how I feel about it but I was shocked to see how she was attacked by the public. Cmon, if someone wants a big family then let it be. Whats the big deal? I have read so much about IVF, and the chances of all embryos implanted turning into babies is really slim, she took the chance, and she was lucky enough to have what she wanted. So don’t give her slack.

I don’t remember anyone giving our forefathers slack when they had 10 or 11 kids. Almost all the old families in Iraq had over 10 or 11 children, never once did I hear my mom tell me that authorities got involved with them, or people were angered, so why this? Is it because much of the money will come from tax payers money? Hell, its better to pay for new lives, than paying for all the darn wars and the millions of children that got killed in them, don’t you agree? That’s just my 2 pence on this.

As for my own personal life, going to Doctors has become the norm. Having blood tests done and check ups became part of my daily life, isn’t it fun? Ofcourse everytime I go in to have my blood drawn, I have my cliché words ready “Hi, Im scared from needles, can you please be gentle and use the butterfly needle” One guy, just didn’t seem to understand these words, he simply threw the needle like a dart right in my vein. OH MY GOD. I was soooooooo going to kill him. I still remember his name, marlow. Thank god HUBBY was with me, or else I would have stuck that needle in his eye! I felt my eyes welling up, the a******. Ughhhh

Apart from my medical issues which aren’t really life threatening, Im doing fine. Needed to take a break from many things including blogging. I felt I was sounding like an old broken record with all my ailments taking place, infact I sounded like an old hag and Im only 34!!! As for Iraqi news, I stopped watching it and reading about it. Ever since I saw the result of the elections which were so predictable, I gave up. I dislike the govt, and will never change my mind. But a new phenomena is taking place due to the improved security.

Many Iraqis from all over the world, who havent been to Iraq yet, have started this strange exodus back. I don’t mean moving back there, but just going and visiting. A few relatives of mine have gone back and thought Baghdad was just amazing. They loved every minute of their 2 week stay. A woman who lived in California for almost all her life visited Najaf and called it the Paris of the Middle east. Umm, not sure how can Najaf one of the holiest cities in the world be compared to Paris, but those were her own words. How can women in abbayas be compared to women in mini joup? Maybe too much excitement just disillusioned her.

Many of those who are going back have been suffering from the horrid economical crisis and are there to sell off whatever they have there. You can still get millions of dollars for land and properties, so it’s a good savior if you are in desperate need. My own father refuses to sell anything. He says he wants to keep his ties in his country. Umm, what ties dad? We barely have anyone left there. But I guess for my dad it’s a different story. His land was inherited from his own father, and I think by selling he feels he is betraying that trust.

The economic crisis has finally hit AD. Ofcourse no media is allowed to mention it, and the govt keeps calming people down by telling them everything is ok. Everything is NOT ok. In Dubai they already have let go of so many expats, and from what my friend tells me, the streets aren’t as busy as they used to be. The malls are empty and real estate prices have gone so low, people who have cash to play with are taking the opportunity, while those who were caught up with the buying fever last year, are stuck with no means of repaying back and have no choice but to sell real low or just wait it out. Others have left long ago, leaving behind their newly purchased cars that they cant payback at the airport parking. Its so so sad.

As for AD, its catching up. Many are being let go and are waiting for the schools to end so they can leave. Property prices are still high in AD, and everyone is waiting for the summer, rumour has it rents will also go down drastically so everyone is waiting for that moment. I thank god that I still have my job. My boss did me an amazing favour, and I am ever so grateful.

I did get an email from one of my bosses in Baghdad asking me to go over there for a few weeks, but I refused. Maybe if this was back in Dec or Jan I would have gone, but now things have changed, and with all my medical mishaps Id rather be in a place where they can tend to me, there is no way Im taking that chance. What a pity though, would have loved to go back and see my friends and coworkers for I still do miss a few of them. But major changes are also taking place over there.

The buildings we are in which are based in the GZ are now going back to the Iraqi Govt. Everyone needs to be evacuated and gone to some base by the next coming months. I got an email saying that many will be forced to stay in trailers shared with 2 others, plus there isn’t going to be the luxury of having ones bathroom, instead its going to be a communal one. YUCK. Thank god I left when I did. First off, there is no way Id share a room with anyone, secondly, there is no way in hell Id use a bathroom that’s been used by 30 or 50 others. NO WAY! Yeah call me spoilt, but that’s just me.

On a final note, do you guys remember the “vibrator” girl I once wrote about? (Sorry have to find the link of that post) Well, she has been in the States for over a year now after getting her special immigration visa. I got an email from a frined of mine that said : Hey guys...remember L??? She has joined the Army and will be going back to Iraq as an interpreter. I heard she graduated from Advanced Individual Training at Ft. Jackson, SC and was awarded as "The Best All Around Soldier."

Wow, isn’t that great news? She used to be one of those lost souls who just couldn’t feel free in her own country. Was harassed by her countrymen and threatened by the militia. Her family boycotted her because she was working in the GZ, yet harassed her with phonecalls to pay them money. Ughhh. Im so happy for her. Here’s to L, L, The Best All Around Soldier!

The Valkyrie Eye…

2009-01-26T15:18:00.002+02:00

Im taking a break from politics, hence look elsewhere for juicy stuff. Right now Im typing and reading with one eye. Yup one eye. I feel like Im taking Tom Cruise’s part in his latest movie Valkyrie sans the black eye patch. I still don’t know what the optician called it, but umm the minute he stared at my eyes through his machine, the first words he uttered were “OH SHIT” I mean how professional can one be.

I sat there with my chin sticking out flickering my eyes. “What is it Dr? Is it THAT bad?” He didn’t even bother replying, instead he ushered my HUBBY and asked him to take a look. Hmmm, is this some kinda male conspiracy? HELLOOOOO this is my eye youre staring at, and I need to know. My HUBBY was far more polite and instead of the “Oh shit” he was like “Oh wow”. Ok great, thanks for making me feel at ease.

After that fiasco I was told that I had an extreme phase of some kinda contact lens infection, had I waited one more day, I woulda gone blind (Doctor’s exact words). Hmmm, that’s extremely re-assuring Dr. That’s what I love about Middle Eastern Doctors, they have such a way with words, it truly amazes me.

So yeah right now Im on killer antibiotics and some weird gel that I have to stick in my eye every five hours. Wooohoooo. Oh and to top it all off, I cant wear my contacts for weeks to come, thank god I have trendy glasses on. All this got me thinking. Ever since I left Baghdad things have gone down hill. Hmmm, maybe I should think of going back. Actually there’s something that is kinda worrying me, and relaying it here will probably make people think Im crazy. Did I say Crazy? Whats new, I am Neurotic after all. So here goes.

Ever since I was young and even now, everytime I had my coffee cup read, I was told I had evil eyes (il 3ain) on me. Hence my obsession with wearing the evil eye to ward off any evil. I wear a bunch of bracelates with cute coloured eye crystals, I wear a choker like necklace that my eldest sister gave me on my birthday, I have a blue stone along with the word Allah dangling from my watch, everything I can find with the eye on it, I just use it. On our last trip to Turkey, I bought a cute ceramic fridge magnet, yup an eye. It lasted on the fridge four months, UNTIL. Until the day before I traveled to Amman. Out of the blue without even touching the fridge, the eye fell and broke in two halves!!! Can you believe this shit? I just stood there, my mouth agape, staring at the broken pieces in disbelief.

I freaked out. Freaked out big time and called both my mom and my sister. You see, evil eyes and envy is written in our Quran and some hadiths and I really do believe in it. My mom and sis freaked out as well, lol. Didn’t really make things easier on me, as I wanted them to say positive stuff. My mom, the pious woman she is, asked me to recite a specific verse many times and hope for the best. This is exactly what I did and I forgot about the whole thing.

But with all the mis-haps that’s taking place with me right now, my operation (long story, some other time), my blasting headaches, my eye infection, my hair going all weird on me, all within a month from the eye breaking, I do believe that someone, somewhere is casting the evil eye spell on me. My question is, why? Why me? Theres nothing to envy me about. Nothing to be jealous from. A BIG FAT NOTHING. Ughhhhh

Sorry, just needed to vent as HUBBY doesn’t believe in this stuff. He thinks Im crazy and that I take things into extremes. Umm HUBBY, Im sorry, but an eye breaking out of the blue is no joke. I did google it though second it happened (Don’t you just love Google). Some articles said that an eye breaking means it did all it can do to ward off the evil. Oh great. What about the rest of the evil? Now what?

Oh well, evil or no evil, for now, I just have one functioning eye :(, The Valkyrie Eye…

An Obama Day...

2009-01-20T21:29:00.003+02:00

Yes, Im watching it. Isnt it amazing. I was bummed out when he stammered on his oath. Funny enough just before he started repeating the oath, I turned to HUBBY and said, watch how perfect he will say the words, he probably trained for this day a million times. Ummm, I guess I was wrong and HUBBY just rolled his eyes... :)

The speech though was just amazing. I liked it and dont really care what others might think. Im sure today many Americans are really proud to be Americans. About time too. On my personal facebook, many of my Iraqi ex-Coworkers who got their special Immigration Visas and have long been settled in the US, set their statuses a few days ago by thanking Bush for the life changing opportunity. Others though had "Hoping Obama will bring sunshine back to Iraq" on theirs.

Yeah I guess many are hopeful while others arent too optimistic. Im just keeping my fingers crossed. Lets see what he will bring on. I chatted with a few of my work colleagues back in Iraq. I was told many changes are taking place at work, and there are plans for many to leave and work on reachback just like me with one exception, they will have an office to work from and not imprisoned in a flat 24/7. Im not so sure how long they will keep me doing what Im doing. I think my time will be up pretty soon. Are the changes a direct result of Obama winning?

Oh and me being the financial analyst that I am, decided to give HUBBY some advice and said, "hey HUBBY, why dont you buy some shares, I bet you on inaugaration day everything will go green" Umm, just an hour ago he told me he is down big time. Oooooops, hehe. I guess I may have to take my masters degree again. Atleast he was smiling when he said it, someone else would have probably strangled me. But it did seem logical for shares to go up wonder why it didnt...Does anyone know?

I better get going, I dont feel like writing a long post today. I wanna continue watching Obama and just enjoy the scenes afore me. Today is a nice day. An Obama Day...

Children of Shoes...

2009-01-12T11:12:00.004+02:00

HUBBY has gone back to Iraq. I asked him about the sentiments there of whats going on in Gaza. “The Iraqis here can care less” He said. Although I did see on the news some protests were held there due to the Israeli offensive, I doubt that the average Iraqi is moved by all this. They have their own problems to deal with.

A few days ago I had to attend some family lunch that my parents were hosting. I wasn’t really up to it but I had to go. As we sat down chitchatting, a few mobile phones beeped simultaneously. “Please donate to Gaza at such and such banks” One of the ladies read the message out loud. She then threw her phone in dismay at the table. “Why should I care about Gaza” She said “While my own country is suffering. What did the Palestinians do for us Iraqis when my people were getting killed by the hundreds” She continued. “Let them go to hell”

I was in shock. “But Khala (Aunti), these are humans dying, not animals. Surely you can be more compassionate” She had a very hard look on her face. She took out a cigarette, lit it, inhaled, then exhaled and shook her head and said “Neurotica, Iraqis are humans too. Do you know what they (Palestinians) did in Iraq? Do you know how the preyed on us when Saddam was in power. I don’t give a damn about these people. They elected their government so let them suffer the consequences”

Another woman joined in and said “She is right Neurotica. You know where the money is going? Its not going to the victims, it will end up in Hamas’s hands, and surely Hamas will buy weapons. All this is propaganda. No, not a single penny from MY own hard earned money is going there, Id rather spend it on the Orphans of Iraq. Half the millionaires in the Emirates are Palestinians, why don’t THEY help their OWN people?” Then she said, “Hamas don’t even care about their own people, theyre sitting comfortably in Syria and Lebanon while their people burn”

As I was about to voice my own opinion another lady said “You forgot what they did to our country Neurotica? To our People? They sent suicide bombers, they joined so called “Jihad” groups and killed hundreds even thousands of our people. They backed Zarqawi, that criminal man” Again as I tried to say something, a few teenage girls (daughters of another woman) announced they were leaving to join the protests. “What protests?” we asked. “There is a protest here in AD” They answered while they fixed their Palestinian scarves around their necks. The women rolled their eyes and shot the girls’ mother an evil look.

“How can you let them go?” The mother shrugged and said, its their choice, and I wont stop them. I just got up and left the table for I knew that the poor mom was going to be lectured. The conversation was already draining me. I went into the kitchen instead and stole a few of the yummy spring rolls my mom prepared and munched away.

To be honest the Palestinian cause was never something of a priority to me or my family. Ever since I was a child I knew of their war, of their suffering, but it was Iraq that I yearned for and not Palestine. Afterall it is Iraq that I was born in. Its Iraqi blood that I have running through my veins. And umm I dont believe in the so called "Arab Nationalism" shit. Anyone who says THEY are, are to me nothing but a bunch of hypocrites and liars.

Nonetheless, I dislike violence. I still think that the massacres in Gaza must stop. And stop NOW. This is probably going to be the last post I write on this subject. On another note, what happened to Iraq? The media has completely forgotten about Iraq. Maybe we should call back Al Zaidi to organize a shoe marathon. That will probably get their attention once again. Aaaaaah yes, atfal il hijara (children of stones) will soon be substituted by a completely different phenomena. A different group of children. Children of Shoes…

The 21st Century Murderers...

2009-01-05T21:50:00.003+02:00

I just found out about the death of a school friend of mine in Gaza. This post is for everyone who thinks the Gaza massacre is justifiable. This is for everyone who believes human life, especially the Arab human life is cheap. CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP.

NO, human life is NOT cheap. The Gazans have every right to live. Every right to live just like you and me. Had the situation been reversed and it was Israelis that were bombarded with rockets, with images of Israeli childrens’ brains gutted out on the TV, WILL YOU THINK THE SAME??? Will you fucking say that this war is fucking justified??? I don’t think so. Every human life is as valuable as the other. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Be it an Arab, a Muslim, a Christian A Jew. Be it Palestinian, be it Iraqi, be it Israeli. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Millions of people all over the world have been protesting the massacres in Gaza. Are all these people WRONG? They have gone out of their way, in blistery cold weather to make their voices heard, are these people wrong??? You, whoever you are, YOU, yes YOU who think all people in Gaza are Hamas, should go there and see who is it being killed, Who is it being slaughtered. Who is it being murdered!!!

The images I see day in day out is not part of a sci fi movie. Oh no. I wish it was. I swear to god I wish it was just a movie. I wish the brains that was splattered on that hospital bed was just some playdo stuck on a dummy’s head for special effects. BUT GOD DAMN IT IT ISNT. OK!!! IT ISNT.

Im not saying Hamas is right. Im not a supporter of Hamas or any organization that deals with violence. But at the same time THIS SHOULD STOP. IT SHOULD STOP NOW. What did my school friend do? What was his fault? Why did he die? He died as a result of this inhumane war. BOTH SIDES ARE WRONG.

I don’t give a damn why this war started in the first place. Nothing, nothing whatsoever justifies kids dying. NOTHING. This post is for every single ignorant person who supports Israel’s current actions. And then you sit and wonder why do people hate us? Why do people dislike us. This is exactly why. You sit and wonder why people want to kill us? All these kids, the kids that have been orphaned, the kids who woke up having no family around will grow up thinking of ways to take revenge. And you wonder why suicide bombers do what they do in your part of the world. Bloody hell even people in other countries are asking to go fight in Gaza...This is exactly what happens as a result of unjustifiable violence.

The images that the Arab world are watching on their TV will move every single person to do something. I doubt you see what we are watching, so stop wondering why this hatred. Why this anger.

Im sorry, but violence can only give birth to more hatred. More violence. More innocent lives gone. Gone just like that. Even my belief in Obama has disappeared. I cant believe he continued playing god damn golf, so calmly, when the rest of the world was boiling with anger. When women and children were being bombarded and getting killed. Yeah I know he isn’t officially the president yet. But why didn’t he atleast comment. Atleast condemn the actions. Ok forget condemning, why didn’t he say he atleast “feels bad” with whats going on in Gaza???????But no, Scoring that hole was by far more important.

Shame on you. Shame on everyone who thinks this is right. Everyone who thinks Israel or any country can do this and get away with it. Whats funny is I know that Israel will get away with it. Like they always do. They have proved to be as bad as all these extremists who don’t believe in human life. Who don’t believe in the right of others to live. They might as well kill us all and have the world to themselves. Right now, to me they are as bad as Hamas as bad as Muqtada, as bad as Al Qaeda.

They say this is to protect them from further aggression from Hamas. Alas, that’s what I used to hear in Baghdad. Muqtada firing mortars and rockets to protect Iraqis from Americans, when in reality nearly a million Iraqis were killed in the war. Al Qaeda said and did the same. They wanted to get the so called occupier out, yet they bombed street markets, and schools. Yeah to me, theyre all the same. ALL are MURDERERS! The 21st Century Murderers!!!

Chaotic Mayhem of the Middle East...

2008-12-31T15:35:00.003+02:00

We have been travelling hence the lack of posts. Our travel coincided with the atrocities in Gaza. As we got into the cab from the airport to our way to the hotel, we heard the news on the radio that was blasted so high with the latest news. I only realized how bad things were in Gaza when I immediately switched the TV on in our room. WOW.

The images only reminded me of Iraq. Of Lebanon. The graphic pictures of bloodied corpses of children shrouded in white being paraded in the streets made my tears stream down my cheeks. I am not a mother, yet I could feel their pain. I could feel their outrage. WHY, WHY I kept asking. Why do this. Im definitely not a Hamas supporter, but why this. Why innocent people?

Every cab we got into, the popular Quranic verses were substituted by the news. Every shop we entered had the TV's on with the same images over and over again. I came here to try and relax, yet I feel my blood boiling. HUBBY wanted to go to some Iraqi place to celebrate the New Years, we had already gotten the tickets, but to be honest I wasnt really upto going anywhere. I just wanted to stay in the room, watch TV and sleep.

As we were sitting in the Lobby killing some time, an American reporter asked if it was ok to interview us. "I saw you guys reading an English Newspaper, can I ask you a few questions about the New Years?" She asked. HUBBY was reluctant, he doesnt like to do the talking. As for me, I didnt mind one bit. And so when asked what we thought about celebrations being cancelled here because of the Gaza news, I immediately answered that its only appropriate. How can people especially here in the Middle East feel happy when their fellow Arabs are suffering. When their fellow Arabs are being slaughtered in daylight. No, definitely its not a time to be joyous.

Coincidently as we were talking to her, the restaurant we were supposed to go to, called us and said the New Years do was cancelled. Yes thats the best way. The mood is somber everywhere. Even in the malls, all you hear people talk about is whats going on in Gaza. Many have the Palestinian scarves wrapped around them showing solidarity. We even witnessed some protests, but to me protests mean nothing. Nothing at all. Ive seen it before the Iraq war almost 6 years ago. I was one of them. Yet what did it achieve? It achieved nothing. Nothing at all.

Im not gonna say Im disgusted with the Arab governments response, or the lack of it. For Im not surprised. Not surprised at all. As one cab driver put it, Arabs are traitors, and rightly so. Arab jarab. Really. They stopped caring long time ago. Why cant people live in peace? Why cant they just move on. Why keep battling over a piece of land, kill hundreds of thousands of people, devastate families when both can live together on it. Im not even gonna play the blame game. Both sides are wrong. Violence will only harbour more violence, more deaths. More corpses.

Im gonna keep it at that for Im sick. Sick and tired of the Middle East. The Chaotic Mayhem of the Middle East...

The SuShi Stomach...

2008-12-22T15:48:00.003+02:00

One of the very first questions HUBBY asked me before we even got married was “Do you know how to cook Neurotica?” Sure I do was my answer. And I wasn’t lying either. He didn’t specify what he meant by “cooking” nor did I, Lol.

This past Eid had a different flavour to it. It coincided with my birthday and so HUBBY decided to fly from Iraq and spend it with me. Every morning he wakes up and says “so what you cooking for me today?” I just go all frantic and say “Umm we are actually going to my parents” hehe. For I later discovered that frying an egg, or slapping a few frozen burgers on the grill or even boiling pasta does NOT count as “cooking” from his perspective. To cook for him is to do everything from scratch. Yup, EVERYTHING. Unfortunately the parents trick didnt last for long :(

I used to be a vegetarian for over 7 years, and the only thing I cooked while I lived in London, was this vegetarian lasagna dish which I learnt from one of the many cook books I had bought. But umm vegetarian and HUBBY do not go along. HUBBY wants REAL cooking. Real Iraqi food. Food that his mom used to prepare for him.

My own mom was a fussy cook (Still is), she never allowed us in the kitchen (Sounds too familiar, eh) hence we never were able to learn anything from her. Come today, and if HUBBY craves for anything, I just get it over the net, or ask my mom for it. Now mind you, even though Iraqi food is all the same, every house hold differs in the way they cook things. And theres a huge difference between Shia cooking and Sunni cooking (depending on the area). Yup, some have their broths in red sauce, others have it mostly in a whitish sauce. Some look brown, others look green. And that’s where my dilemma starts. Im a Shia and HUBBY is a Sunni…

So pleasing HUBBY’s palate has become a major challenge and the source of our daily conversations. “Neurotica, that’s not the way my mom used to do it” He would say after I have attempted following my OWN mother’s way. “HUBBY, sweety, Im NOT your mom, besides that’s how MY mom does it and that’s the taste Im used to since I was a kid” And the war of the Sunni Shia debates begins, lol.

I have to admit, its like a learning curve for me and HUBBY is my little guinea pig. I have discovered amazing recipe websites, mimicooks.com. The website really helped especially its video part. So now, whenever HUBBY asks me for a specific dish, I tell him “Hold on, lemme check it on Mimi’s” So far I have succeeded in 2 dishes., thanks Mimi!!! Another website that I absolutely love is this Desert Candy It taught me how to prepare a typical wintery neutral (not Shiaa, not Sunni ie SuShi in my own terms) Iraqi dish (Shalgham) And wow, for the first time, HUBBY’s belly was extremely pleased. Pleased with me and the Sunni/Shia debate was forgotten. Yaaaaaaaaaaay.

So yeah, as you can see I have been extremely busy. Juggling between work and learning to cook. Three successful dishes is not bad for someone who has been married for almost 5 years and still feels like a new bride ;) I guess this is all preparation for whats yet to come, IF HUBBY ever decides to leave Iraq and live with me that is. In the meantime, Im gonna try and learn more “SuShi” recipes, hoping, maybe just maybe he will have a change of heart. Its true what they say, the way to a Man’s Heart is through his stomach. And in this instance its through HUBBY’s stomach. The SuShi Stomach…

Their Days of Fear...

2008-12-18T09:35:00.003+02:00

Lets forget about shoes for now, cause honestly I have really Od’d on the whole shoe throwing subject. Now on to something completely different. I received an email from an ex colleague of mine, she is a little ol lady from South Carolina that used to work with me in Baghdad 2 years ago. We always kept intouch, and she always used to send me emails checking up on my safety when the whooshes galore were taking place earlier this year in the GZ. There wasn’t a single day that she didn’t send an email requiring a short reply of “Im ok, Im alive”

She left our previous employer because of the whole bureaucracy issue. She just couldn’t handle it, and now she is back in the States. M is 65 and reminded me so much of the character in the Arabic cartoon I used to watch as a kid, Mrs Spoon (sayyida mil3a8a). And because of her age, no matter how much she used to curse, and God, did that woman curse, no one really got upset, LOL.

A little excerpt from her email:
"Now...on to good news. X is coming to my house tonight for dinner and an overnight....than my husband and I will put him on a plane to go home to California. He is now in the US Army as a language interpreter! He has not told his family for their safety, so keep this info between you and hubby.

Y is also in the same program. She has had a rough time of it so I am especially proud of her for coming through all of this and working hard. She told me that you left the previous employer because you defended one of the Iraqi kids and how they were being treated so badly. Thanks for doing that. I should have been stronger and stayed to try to help. I am glad you are out of there, and readjusting. Wish I was coming to AD."

Many of the Iraqis who left on the Special immigration visa program to the States, were highly educated engineers. And for them to end up as interpreters for the Army is just too sad. Im not belittling interpreter’s jobs, on the contrary, I think they are true heroes for taking that kind of responsibility and putting themselves in grave danger. I raise my hat to them. But I would have rather seen those who left learn new fresh skills, instead of using the ones they already have. I can safely say about 90% of them ended up in that program as a last resort after losing all hope in finding a job that can feed their families.

Im not knowledgeable enough about the perks and the benefits they’d get as interpreters in the Army, hopefully its well worth it. Because honestly leaving behind everything, everything from families, to houses, to friends, and most importantly ones own country is NOT something you do so easily. But they had to leave. They had to, for their own survival and their own sanity.

I hooked up with many of them on facebook. And wow, the transformations were just amazing especially among the single young guys. Id sit for hours on end browsing their photos, and their new found life. Some even look more American than Americans themselves which makes me chuckle. Chuckle in a good way. Finally, finally gone are the days. Their Days of Fear...

The Flying Iraqi Shoes...

2008-12-15T17:36:00.003+02:00

I was gonna post something completely different but after the news, I have to write about this. Yup with freedom comes shoes. I didn’t even know of the incident until my sister called me up this afternoon and told me “you saw what happened last night” I was clueless, I had no idea what she was on about. “WHAT” I kept on asking. “What happened, tell me” She said “Neurotica, you must be joking. I cant believe you don’t know. Bush was hurled with shoes from a journalist” WTH!!! At first the words didn’t register.

“Please repeat what you just said sis, Bush who?” “Whats wrong with you Neurotica? Bush, Bush was in Iraq and was hurled with shoes” OMG. I couldn’t believe my ears. I ran to the TV and switched to al Jazeera. Lo and behold, the scenes were repeated infront of my eyes! OH MY GOD. I was in total shock. Darn, I slept early last night and missed out…

To say I wasn’t amused would be a total lie. For I was. That guy has balls. HUBBY on the other hand, yup he is here, wasn’t amused by the whole thing. He took it personally and said, “that journalist just tainted all Iraqis. He is stupid and low. He could have done it in another way, like maybe embarrass Bush with questions etc, but NOT hurl shoes at him”. Im sorry HUBBY but I think its funny. Im not laughing at Bush nor at the icy cold Maliki but am laughing at the whole situation. For never ever in the history of Iraq, did this happen to a world leader. NEVER. Good ducking reaction though I have to admit. But for Bush to say this is just proof of freedom makes me laugh even more. Yup with freedom comes shoes…

This immediately took me down to memory lane back to when I was a child. Although I wasn’t really one of those loud kids, but I dunno why my play time ALWAYS started the minute my dad steps into his bedroom for his afternoon siesta. This was way back when we were still living in Baghdad. I was about 4 or 5 and believe me I remember these incidents as if it were yesterday.

Every afternoon, the minute my father goes in that bedroom of his, I decide to jump and run in the corridor and ofcourse scream my lungs off pretending to chase some bad evil witches (watched too many cartoons I think). And out of the blue I would see flying slippers hurled at me by my mom, LOL. Oh and I tell you these slippers NEVER missed no matter how hard I tried to duck down. My mom had really good eyes :)

Yes those were the days. Im smiling now while Im writing this, for I dunno why almost all of us Iraqis have memories that involve slippers or shoes being hurled at us. I guess it’s an Iraqi tradition, and so for Bush’s farewell, he was bestowed with one of a kind tradition. The Shoes. The Flying Iraqi Shoes…

My Own Body Of Lies...

2008-12-05T12:49:00.005+02:00

Everyone was raving about the movie “Body of Lies”, so I decided to go watch it last week. Great movie I have to admit. After we finished, I told my younger sister that Id rather go home in a taxi than her dropping me. So there I was standing in the Taxi line outside the mall, with about 20 people infront of me. This is just great I thought to myself. With the rate the taxis are coming in (One every 20 mins), I will probably reach home at 1 or 2 am. This was about midnight.

As I was standing there, an excruciating pain jolted me. It felt like a knife carving out my insides. I didn’t know what to do. I hugged myself with my right arm trying to put pressure on the pain so it stops. But that didn’t work. I couldn’t go and sit on the bench cause then my turn will go, so I just stood there praying to god for the pain to disappear. Ripples of sweat started forming on my forehead, I looked behind me, and there were about 30 more people standing. God. I tried calling HUBBY, thinking maybe if I talk to him I will feel fine. But the lines wouldn’t go through. Damn those Iraq phones.

All of a sudden I felt my pressure going lower. Uhoh. Not here Neurotica. Not here. As I turned to warn the guy behind me, it was too late. I fell unconscious right then and there. When I regained my consciousness I found myself on the bench with women holding me up at each side. What happened I asked. You fainted one woman answered. I was gasping for breath. I thought I was gonna die. Call my brother I kept whispering. Call my brother.

As they took my phone out, I could hear them saying “we don’t know how to operate this” Shit. Its my darn iphone. I heard another calling the ambulance. No, no don’t call them I kept saying. Please don’t call them. Some American man was standing there, I could see the panic on his face. Are you ok? He kept asking. Are you ok? Yes, I nodded. But I need oxygen. Please help me, please, I pleaded. He ran and got me some water. The women behind me kept massaging my back.

There I was, all alone, surrounded with complete strangers who left their taxi line just to help me. Wow. I was shocked. Those good Samaritans. Really. Im ever so grateful to them. I dunno why but I kept thanking them and apologizing. I felt like a kid who just committed something naughty. I finally managed to unlock my iphone and dial my brother’s mobile. Poor thing he was in a deep sleep. This was about quarter to 1 in the morning. Imagine your sister on the other end of the phone, gasping for breath asking for help. Wouldn’t that give you a heart attack? I really felt bad but he was my only choice. The one person I trust with my life. The American guy took the phone from me and told my brother where I was and that the ambulance is on its way.

As the ambulance came and took me on a stretcher I was falling back into oblivion. The Dr kept asking me questions to keep me awake. Whats your name he asked. Where are you from? Minute I mustered the words Iraqi he started talking to me in Arabic. How is Iraq he asked. WTH? Here I am lying on a stretcher fighting for life and this guy is asking me about Iraq? OH MY DEAR GOD. Stay with me he kept saying. Stay with me. So how is Iraq. Cmon, don’t go away. Keep your eyes open. He kept insisting.

By the time we reached the emergency ward, I was ok. Infact, I remember apologizing to them too. My brother on the other hand looked like someone from a horror movie. His face was paler than mine. You scared the shit out of me Neurotica. I just lost 30 years of my life, he said. Poor brother. Well I guess that’s the price you pay for having a sister like me.

I have no idea why I fainted. I really don’t. I was stressed out, yes. But that isn’t an enough excuse for my body to give up on me. I have been through worse and I never fainted before. Never, except ofcourse a few weeks ago at the Dr’s office. And no Im not pregnant.

After that incident Im just too scared to go out. Now, whenever I do leave the house, I say a little prayer “Please god, let this day be not it”. Im scared that it will happen out of the blue. Imagine it happens while I drive. God what an eerie feeling. So I decided to create an instructions paper and keep it with me at all times incase it happens again:

Hi, Im prone to fainting so don’t be scared. Get my iphone out. Press the lower button, place your thumb and move to right to unlock. Go to contacts icon, find the words BROTHER, and call. Don’t panic, I will be fine.

As I recalled the events to HUBBY he was horrified. I will be coming soon Neurotica, he said. I will never let this happen to you again. I will also buy you a new phone, he added jokingly. Lol. Umm yeah HUBBY. My body will just wait for you. I guess its ironic to have watched the movie Body of Lies that day. Right now Im pissed off at my OWN Body. My Own Body of Lies…

The HUBBY Countdown...

2008-11-25T09:36:00.002+02:00

Wow, didn’t realize its been that long since I have last posted. I guess when you’re having so much fun, you don’t really take note of the time. It was so wonderful having HUBBY around. I loved every minute of it. I finally tasted the real meaning of being a wife. A real wife. For 2 weeks I was no longer a single wife. No longer lonely.

I cooked, washed, cleaned. And loved every second. I felt like a real couple, doing real things together. Before he actually came here, I wasn’t feeling well. I had passed out in the Doctor’s office after having been subjected to routine blood tests 2 days consecutively. I guess being petite and already possessing a phobia from needles, played a big role. I remember waking up finding myself drenched in water. I looked and saw worried faces staring at me. I didn’t know what had happened until the nurse told me.

I was shaken. I cant even remember the last time I fainted. I tried getting up from the bed, but my knees felt shaky and I couldn’t move. I waited for about half an hour until I was able to get up. I just wanted to leave that place. Leave and never see it AGAIN. I HATE NEEDLES! I don’t even know how I ended up in my parents house. I didn’t want them to know what happened, so I just pretended all is good. But the minute I left them, I cried. I cried like no tomorrow. I was scared. Scared that my body gave up on me. Scared that there was a part of me I actually couldn’t control. I felt weak.

I called HUBBY who was in Iraq at the time and he calmed me down and told me that everything is ok, and that I shouldn’t really get worried. People faint, it happens. Especially people who don’t eat much and are scared from needles, like me. I felt much better after our conversation. A few days later, he was right by my side. And this time it wasn’t just for a few hours. This time it was longer, much longer. Although it wasn’t as long as I desired, it was still great.

We had worked a routine so we can both work AND have fun. We would wake up early every day, work for a few hours, cook lunch, go back to work, then go out in the afternoon. It was relaxing. Relaxing and mellow. We both respected each other’s time. Shockingly, I didn’t nag much. I was surprised at my own behavior. What happened? What happened to the neurotic wife that I was? Where did she go? Id enter the study and see empty coke cans upon coke cans littering the table, together with ashtrays filled to the top with cig butts. If this was me before, Id be uncontrollable with me complaining and nagging him to clean up. But now, now it was simple. I would just toss everything in the trash myself, without uttering a word.

If he wanted to cook or assist me, I never said no. Previously, I would have panic attacks the minute he enters the kitchen. LOL. Simply because I knew that the shiny clean kitchen would end up something like a scene from a war zone. But this time, this time I didn’t care. I just wanted HUBBY to be happy. Happy being with me.

I cant stand wet floors. Infact I go crazy if the bathroom floor is drenched with water. Or maybe I should say, I USED to go crazy. Im a very precise washer. I pull the shower curtains so tight so as not to have a single water drop on the floor. HUBBY on the other hand, doesn’t really care. “It’s the bathroom, it has to get wet”, he usually says when I used to nag him. But now, now I don’t complain. You know why? Cause by some miracle, he became careful and made sure the curtain is pulled well. LOL.

I guess learning each other’s perks comes with time, time and actually living together. Yeah time did pass by fast. It usually does when you are having so much fun. And fun, it definitely was. But now, now he is gone again. Gone back to his mistress. The mistress that I’d love to hate. And Im back. Back to being a single wife :(

As for the political situation in Iraq, Im not moved by it at all. The SOFA is going to be passed in parliament whether the Sadrists are against it or not. But Muqtada’s threats should be taken seriously. Maliki should put a stop to this crazy man. Just yesterday another poor disabled woman was strapped with explosives infront of the GZ gate. This probably is Al Qaeda’s doing. Using humans like that is just beyond me. Hell is definitely their destiny. I seriously cannot fathom how can these people utter Allah’s name on their tongues. I seriously cant. Disgusted is an understatement. That’s all Im gonna say on that subject, because honestly, I don’t want to fume. Not right now, anyways.

Did I ever mention that I finally received pictures of my orphans? I was so over the moon when Generation Iraq sent me an email with photos of the children. Although my heart did get constricted for a few seconds. How many more are out there? How many more have no homes and are left fending for themselves? Even though I never gave birth to these kids, I love them as my own. Maybe one day I will get to meet them in person. As for now, I have started my countdown again, Yaaaaaaaaaaay. The HUBBY countdown...

The Obama Change Glow...

2008-11-07T11:10:00.007+02:00

Reading what the guys at IBC wrote about me, does not really make a difference to my thoughts, nor my joy at Obama winning. Infact it added a small smile to my face this Friday morning. Thank you!!!

I just don’t understand though, the dismay of many people to Obama being elected president. I don’t understand why so many people are angry. IBC, it was YOUR people that voted for him, not I. It was YOUR people that came out in large numbers and selected him, umm not I. It was YOUR people that partied in the streets with joy, not I. So maybe, you should write a post about how the American people were soo sooo wrong in your opinion.

Those millions who voted for Obama must have seen something worthwhile in him to want a change, don’t you think? Or am I just too delusional? It wasn’t the American people who voted. Oh I get it, it was some fleet of aliens that landed secretly on American soil and casted their votes. Yeah that’s it. Those hungry for change people weren’t people afterall.

Its shameful to see educated people like yourselves denounce your new government. Oh and please correct your post, it was just I who wanted Obama, HUBBY, who if you recall from my posts “the males in my family wanted McCain” wanted McCain. So please take him out of the equation since he isn’t here to read the BS. As for the Pay cheques you so eloquently put it, yes I did get paid. Like any hardworking person who does their job in the best of their ability. But umm, let me remind you something, the money that all of us in Iraq got paid, including the Americans who were getting four to three times more than I was, was NOT from Bush’s pocket. Correct me if Im wrong, did Bush himself pay our cheques? Was it his hard earned money? Hmmm, maybe I’M REALLY DELUSIONAL NOW.

All the money that was spent in Iraq or Afghanistan, came from YOUR pockets. The Tax Payers pockets. The same tax payers that voted for Obama. And if you weren’t as superficial as you turned out to be, you should have read my posts and UNDERSTOOD them. My choice for Obama is solely for a selfish reason. Like any Iraqi, I want a solution to the mayhem in my country. Had you read my previous posts, Blatant Neurotic Iraqi Truth you would know that I don’t blame the Americans anymore, I infact put the chaos to what Iraq has become on the shoulders of the Iraqi government. So again get YOUR facts straight.

And yes I still go for Obama. I read a few posts about what a bad choice Obama is for Iraq, especially knowing what Biden suggested awhile back for dividing Iraq. YES AND SO? If that’s the only solution that will save Iraq from further bloodshed, then be it. Iraq is already divided if you havent noticed. What kind of country has replicas of ministries and ministers governing? You did know that right?

Im sure you are so knowledgeable about my country that you know in the Northern part they have their own ministries. They make their own decisions. Umm, not sure what you call that? A beautiful cooperation? As for the South, now that’s a different story. Although there are no ministries, but they have representative offices. Which is fine right? Only natural. BUT its not so NATURAL, if the individual that manages these offices makes his own decisions, backed NOT by the government, but by his own PARTY. So umm, again I dunno what you call this. In hindsight Iraq IS divided.

The Bush administration had given so much to the Iraqi govt on a gold plate. And Im sure you will not argue with me on this point. And I hope you will agree with me, that the Iraqi govt didn’t do much. I will give you a simple example. Something that although shocked me, but didn’t surprise me. A few days ago, I was chatting with HUBBY. I felt something was wrong. I asked him why the bad mood. He said: Neurotica you wont believe this. We did the site check, and the final walk through, for the project to be handed over. The DG, Director General, refused to sign the handover papers”

A few days later, that same DG, came to my HUBBY and said, I will only sign this paper, if you give me money. WHAT THE HELL!!! HUBBY ofcourse replied as calmly as he can and said “Listen, this millions of dollars project is FOR YOU. FOR YOUR PEOPLE. For YOUR COUNTRY. If you don’t want to sign for it, then be it, but don’t expect one dime” And he left it at that. But while HUBBY was recalling the story to me, he was fuming. No, fuming is an understatement. He was appalled and disgusted and vowed that he will bring this man down.

I tried calming him down, and told him, to let it go, and NOT do anything stupid. Afterall he is in a country that’s governed by the law of the jungle. If he does try doing anything and telling anyone, that DG, will definitely try and harm him. But HUBBY wouldn’t have it. He went on by saying how hard people work to try and lend a hand to these people, yet in the end, they get ungrateful grunts. He finally is reaching the point that I have reached. He finally is realizing, that the dream of “Taking part in Iraq’s reconstruction” does no longer have a sweet taste. Infact, it leaves bitterness in your mouth.

Had McCain won, that same comfort cushion would have still been there for the ignorant govt we have. Don’t you see it? But I guess since you are too blinded by the hatred you have towards change, you will be too blind to see what a catastrophe McCain would have been for Iraq. Im gonna keep it at that. And hey thanks again for adding a smile to my face this Friday morning. Oh and by the way, since you are soooooo interested in my shoe state, I bought a whole new shoe rack. Thanks for asking. And Im so chuffed that you have dedicated one whole post on me. :)

Anyhow, I still have that after glow. That amazing after glow, from the results of YOUR people voting. Yeah my face is glowing believe it or not. Its glowing that glow. The Obama Change Glow…

The Obama Era...

2008-11-05T07:26:00.005+02:00

OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!woooohooooo. Wow!!! I just watched the speech!!!OMG. America, History has just been made! I dunno what to say really, Im over the moon. Its as if he is MY president. As an Iraqi I have my hopes on this man.

Change, change, change. Change is on its way. Change to the vicious Bush administration. The Bush administration that lied, tricked, conned the world, and most of all conned the Iraqis.

Today is a different day. A brighter day. A brighter day for everyone who wanted and believed in change. For me, this is not just about history, this is about someone who was able to bring down the very people that broke my country. It’s a great punch to the very people that destroyed the individual Iraqi. And that to me is an enough victory.

I will only have to say to Mr Obama, don’t let us down. You came thus far, and as an Iraqi Im depending on you. Don’t let dirty politics break your promises. There are a few Iraqis who I have asked whether they’re happy at the outcome. Surprisingly, I heard tones filled with fear, fear and confusion. “Whats gonna happen to us, Neurotica?” They asked. “Will America leave us? What will happen to Iraq”

I didn’t really reply, all I said was “Change is on its way”. “Bad change or good change?” They asked. “Inshallah a good one” I said and left it at that. As for the males in my family, too bad your man didn’t win! Although its strange, its strange because we all want peace for Iraq, we all want the same end, a happy ending, yet the means is different. And for me Obama is the means. The perfect Means that justifies the end. Yes this time it does justify the end.

I learnt a few lessons in life, and that is to never ever over expect things from individuals, but in this instance I am. I am expecting many things from Obama. And disappointment is NOT one of them. As for all the red neck extremists out there, for all you people who cannot fathom how a black American can be your president, Tough luck. Live with it.

I wonder how the Iraqi government reacted to the news. Must be a blow to them. A great blow. Yaaaaaaaaaaay. Yeah about time. About time, for five years they got what they wanted. They got what they wanted on the Iraqi individual’s account. They preyed on my people. They tore them apart. For five years they slept soundly knowing that Bush is there. Bush is there to protect these vultures. But change is on its way. I pray to god, I pray that Obama will have the balls to say NO to them. NO and ENOUGH.

It’s a beautiful clear sky today. A BLUE sky. The start of a new era. The Obama Era…

Invisible Tranquility...

2008-11-03T20:18:00.002+02:00

Just a few hours left and hopefully, history will be made. Although many people said they don’t really care who the next president of the US is going to be, and I was one of them, NOW they should. I have read so many articles, watched too many shows, and although Im one of those pessimists who think neither will really make a difference, at the end of the day I do want Obama to win for the explanations I have given in previous posts. So Best of luck to you Mr Obama. I know many Iraqis share my views.

As for those who still think and believe in the red, then Im sorry to say, that even though red is the colour of fire, the colour of vibrancy, hell I even painted my own study room red, all it actually symbolizes in reality is BLOOD. So enough red. We have had enough of BLOOD. And lets give a chance to the blue. Yeah I like blue. It symbolizes tranquility. It symbolizes, PEACE.

Like with any issue, even as a family, my family, there are different opinions, different outlooks. If I look at it from a statistic point of view, all of us females are with Obama. And that’s a fact that I have just realized while writing this post. As for the males in the family, majority are with McCain. Strange isn’t it? I guess its because us women think more with our emotions. And emotions kinda takes precedence right now.

Wonder what will it be? Red for more BLOOD and delusional Dreams? or Blue for TRANQUILITY? Invisible Tranquility…

La vie d'une femme névrotique...

2008-11-01T10:54:00.004+02:00

After Thursday’s fiasco with the accident, I wasn’t really upto doing anything. I felt like a zombie with all energy drained from me. I was even more upset because of HUBBY’s lack of empathy. I skyped him and told him what happened, thinking he would atleast call me. But no, he never did. All he typed on skype was, "its ok habeebty, don’t get upset, these things happen. If I was there, I would have taught that guy a lesson". But no phonecall to calm me down, which added to my disdain.

Woke up next morning about noon. Its Friday, not much work going on in Baghdad. I checked a few emails then went and slouched down on the sofa. I saw a missed call from HUBBY, called him back, and as usual, his reply was “Cant talk to you right now, Im in the middle of a site check”. Oh but ofcourse, why aren’t I surprised. His mistress always takes precedence over me. I hung up feeling more down than ever. I continued searching for something worthwhile to watch on TV until I came upon an old Arabic Movie. I love old movies, the hero always ended up with his heroine. Yeah very la la landish kinda thing.

As I immersed myself in the movie, I realized I was extremely hungry. But as lazy as I was, I didn’t even want to make the few steps to the kitchen. I looked around and saw a bag of crisps I had opened the night before. I took it and started munching the remaining contents.

After about 30 minutes, I hear a key being turned in the front door. I didn’t move one bit. I just sat there. Hmmm, who can it be? My mom and my brother are the only ones who have the keys to my place. Why would they come here without telling me? But again I didn’t even flinch. I just sat there waiting. The door made that squeaky sound and was opened. A few seconds later, I see someone who resembled HUBBY standing right there infront of me!!! OMG!!!

I jumped with joy. I ran to him then I realized, shit, my legs havent been waxed for ages!!!I immediately covered myself with a blanket and looked at him sheepishly. "HUBBBBBBBBBBBBY!!!", I screamed. What a nice sight for sore eyes. I hugged him so hard I nearly strangled him. He tried to unwrap the blankie, and I tried to keep it on. It was like a competition, who would succeed in keeping the blanket. “What are you hiding?” he kept asking. “Umm nothing, Im not hiding anything” Take it off he said. No No, please HUBBY. I didn’t know you were coming. He eyed me suspiciously and said “Hmm, ok, shall I leave?” he was turning towards the door. "Nooo Noooo, I just didn’t expect you. I was angry with you".

“Its all part of the surprise” He said smiling, happy with himself that his plan succeeded. Show me Neurotica, show me what you are hiding, he insisted. And why didn’t you come and see who is at the door? What if it was a thief? And why havent you locked the door? You usually do. HUBBY, I was upset. I didn’t bother doing anything yesterday after the accident. I just got into the apartment, threw my bag and keys on the floor and just zombied out.

Come here, give me a kiss he says. I smiled. Wow, I missed him so much. But there are things to be taken care of first. I need to go I said. Where? He asked surprised. Umm I need to take a shower. I have to take a shower. You don’t want to kiss a dirty woman do you? He smiled and said “Oh I don’t care, come here you” I wriggled from his embrace, tucking really hard on my blankie and ran.

I ran to the bathroom, and although I hate shaving, I had no other choice. I shaved my legs in no time and appeared infront of HUBBY nice and clean. WHATS THAT he shouted with a look of horror on his face. I looked down and I can see blood seeping from my ankle. Ooooops, my secret is out. I laughed so much and said, Umm I guess I cut myself shaving. The cat is out of its bag. Theres nothing I can do.

My happiness didn’t really last though. He got a phone call from Iraq asking him to be back immediately. I couldn’t believe it, nor did he. But he had to go. His mistress is going through a major milestone and he had to be there. He tried postponing, but it was now or never. So you can imagine us rushing trying to find flights out. Its Friday and not a single agent is open. I made a few phone calls, he made a few calls, my dad made some too and so did my brother. It took us the whole afternoon and evening trying to figure a way to Iraq. Until my dad managed to speak to someone who said that HUBBY should be in Dubai airport by 5 am.

And that my friends was the sour end to my Friday. HUBBY took a cab at 330am to Dubai and off he went to be on his mistress’s side in her hour of need. Shaving or no shaving, it didn’t make a difference :( Yeah this is the famous life of me. Im not gonna complain, I atleast managed to see him for a few hours and that to me just made my day. “How come you aren’t upset that I have to leave? How come you aren’t being bitchy with me?” He asked shocked at my calm demeanor. I smiled and said “HUBBY, why spoil the short time we have together? Besides, me being bitchy wont change the fact that work is work”. Yeah I too was taken aback with my calm attitude. But c’est la vie. La vie d'une femme névrotique...

The Fading Pearl of the Emirates...

2008-10-30T18:10:00.003+03:00

I was gonna write about Iraq, but I changed my mind after today’s car accident. Yes I was in one, and no, no one was injured. But I need the world to know how contradictory this place is. Advertising freedom and democracy to the whole world. Advertising equality and humanity. Its all Bull. I have many Emarati friends, and I hope they don’t get offended but the truth has to be told because this is getting way out of hand.

I will start with today’s incident. My sister was dropping me off since I refuse taking my car out of the parking space. A four wheel drive car was behind us, RIGHT behind us. I mean stuck to my sister’s car. The whole way she was driving, they didnt keep a distance, and started flashing the headlights, and mind you she wasn’t even on the fast lane. She took a turn, right next to my place, the guy kept flashing her with the headlights. She cant move forward cuz there are cars infront. People usually flash the lights for intimidation, and easily enough, my sister lost her cool and was intimidated. As she was waiting for the car infront of her to move, the 4 wheeler drive passed on her side, skidded, dented her car on the side and moved away! I couldn’t believe it. SHE couldn’t believe it!

I ran out of the car chasing after it, if they think they can get away with it then theyre wrong. I scream at the top of my lungs for him to stop. I called the 999 police number and reported the accident. I approached the car, knocked on the window, not knowing what or who to expect. A young local, in his 20’s, pulls down the window. Looks at me with disgust. I said, why did you do that? Why did you harass us all the way, and then hit the car? He got out of his car, pointed his finger at me and started saying profanities. Every curse word he knows I guess.

Just because he is a local does NOT give him the right! He continued by saying things like, I will smash your face with a rope, I will smash your face to pulp, etc. I stood there shocked. Then I went off “Who the hell you think you are? Just because you are Emarati doesn’t give you the right to treat people like animals. Do you know who you are talking to?” I don’t even know why I said the last statement, but I was angry.

Police arrived, meanwhile I called my bro, cuz sometimes they take advantage if they see women alone. And ofcourse the whole neighbourhood was standing out watching. Atleast we have witnesses. But that wasn’t needed, as it was obvious it was his fault. I could see the police were sniggering with the guys at us. Aaaaaaah how much I wanted to scream, scream and punch their faces! Thank God his insurance will pay for the damages he incurred on my poor sister’s new car. Its her first one, and she always took care of it. It’s the only thing she owns, and worked hard to get.

The Emirates, the land of the free. Yeah right. No one is free unless you are an Emarati. I have seen incidents were Indians were mal treated. Pushed at, insulted, slapped, just because he is an Indian. Spoken down to, just because he is an Indian. There are no human rights here. No one has rights unless you are an Emarati. Im sorry, I do apologize for all the friends that I have, but you have to wake up. Wake up and educate your people. Other people’s lives are not worthless. Be it an Indian, an Iraqi, a Brit, etc.

We are all humans and you have to respect us. You cant just go on like that. Even if this is your land, it’s the Indians, the Pakistanis, the Filipinos, the Palestinians, the Iraqis, the Lebanese, the Brits, the Americans, etc who made it what it is today. Yes your money, but their effort. Even animals have more rights than us here.

No this cant go on. I don’t care anymore. Im fed up. This was considered my home away from home. I grew up here, I went to school here. But now, now I don’t know if I wanna call this home anymore. I dunno if it fits to be my home.

Just 2 days ago I witnessed 2 men fighting for a parking space. One got out and strangled the other. One was Arab and the other a Pakistani. He literally strangled him and punched him! People gathered and tried breaking them out. I saw it from my window and I started screaming. I should have taken a video, but was too worried about the victim. No, this definitely isn’t the place it says it is. Yes it may be paradise relative to other places, but how can you live if you have no rights. How can you survive, if you know, that one day, any day, you can get in trouble with the law because you pissed off a local.

No I will not keep my mouth shut. Not anymore. I know that none of the media here will not talk about anything that happens in this place. I know that the media keeps everything hushhush, because they don’t have the guts, but no I will not be silent. I cant be silent. Im disappointed. Disappointed in the country I grew to love. I grew to admire. I used to use the Emirates as the dream that I want Iraq to be one day. That’s how much I loved it. Its with Sheikh Zayed’s (May he rest in peace) vision and ambition that this place became the pearl of the gulf. I loved that man. I mourned him for weeks upon weeks. And it is unfortunate that his Pearl, my pearl is fading. The Fading Pearl of the Emirates...

Inspector General Report

2008-10-28T22:04:00.001+03:00

This is a public report by SIGIR about the reconstruction of Iraq. Please read so we can discuss further...

http://www.sigir.mil/reports/pdf/audits/09-004.pdf

The Thundery Baghdadi Weather...

2008-10-25T23:24:00.003+03:00

The weather in Baghdad reflected my mood today. Apparently it was thundery and very rainy. Exactly how I felt when I first woke up. It infact surprised me when I received emails from five different people telling me all about it. I found myself laughing, for each one of them had a different style in telling me all about the rain and thunder. Some, just hated it, and only one loved it. It was funny, funny to me, and added a little smile to my somewhat moody attitude.

I havent read much news in the past few days. Ok, Im lying, yes I read and watched news on tv and this security deal is bugging the hell out of me. I was also conversing with HUBBY on skype. Looks like Obama will win, he said. What do you think Neurotica? Wow, I was actually impressed he asked my opinion, for in the past few days he has been pretty sick and not really conversive. I wish Obama wins, I typed. I wish he wins and withdraws all the troops by end of the year. HUBBY was shocked at my answer. How come Neurotica? If the US leaves there will be chaos and Iran will jump in. We cant let that happen.

I Lol’ed so much, for Iran is ALREADY in. The government of Iraq is nothing but Iran’s puppet. “Neighbouring countries should respect the sovereignty of Iraq” is ALL BS. I really really want the troops to leave, and Im serious. Ive said it before. And Im repeating it again. I think the max they should stay if any is beginning of next year. That’s the ultimate maximum.

I want chaos to break. YES. I DO. This is the only solution. The only solution to the current Iraqi govt. They are useless, and will continue to be so because even though they say they want the forces to leave, they know it wont happen, and so every night when they go to bed, they're confident that a soft cushion awaits their empty heads. They depend on the forces. I get really angry when I talk about this subject. I get really upset, that such a rich, resourceful country has ended up in such filthy hands. Filthy, corrupt and no loyalty. No loyalty to the earth they are walking on. I want them to suffer.

Yes chaos will break from all directions. Qaeda will come back. Mahdi Militias will restart their hideous murders, awakening members will start their revenge killings on the militias, and the government. WOW. And best of all Iran will just take over. I want to see how the hell will the so called “sovereign” Iraqi govt take control? I really wanna see it.

Youre gonna tell me but it’s the average Iraqi that will become the victim. YES. Unfortunately its always been the average Iraqi. All those who were able to leave, left. And that BS of refugees coming back to their country is just that, BULSHIT!

You know why they’re going back? They are going back Because they ran out of money. Theyre living in the most dire conditions. They have been treated like trash. They have BECOME trash everywhere. Oh where are you from? People ask with a smile. When you say Iraq, they immediately frown and have that distinctive disgusted look on their faces. You know why these people are going back? Theyre going back because they have no other choice. Their bloody govt failed them! They didn’t aid them. And if they did, its peanuts compared to what they could have done. Westerners are more EMPATHETIC than the so called SOVEREIGN GOVERNMENT! GOD!!! It just pisses me off. I swear it does.

Yes, Obama, please win. Win and withdraw the troops. Personally I believe the US is wasting its time. Its time, money and effort. Try and save the fallen economy instead with the money you will be wasting on Iraq. Iraq has enough money. Iraq is rich. Unfortunately the wealth is going into Ammar al Hakeem’s pockets, and his repulsive likes. Do you know that he bought properties here in the Emirates worth millions of dollars? No you don’t know that fact. He spends millions while the children of Iraq die of starvation, cholera, typhoid, abuse, rape and torture. WELL DONE Ammar!!! Lets see what happens to you when the forces leave? I want to see you torn apart, exactly the same way a lion preys on his victim. Is what Im saying vicious? I really hope so.

I hope the security deal wont be signed, and I hope the US will carry out their threats. Its wishful thinking I know.But its good to hope. Its healthy. Right? My mood is just like a candle. A candle flickering with the weather. The Thundery Baghdadi Weather…

My Rundown Hurriya Visitor...

2008-10-22T23:35:00.002+03:00

Woke up pretty early to catch my ride to Dubai. We didn’t wanna be stuck in their horrible morning rush hour. The trip took me back to when HUBBY and I used to travel through Dubai back to Baghdad. I looked outside the window and saw all those skyscrapers one after the other. Then I smiled. I smiled for I also remembered Mohannad.

Mohannad is a simple 20 something year old guy living in the rundown Hurriya district. He is one of those that I miss very much cause his stories never bored me.

Neurotica, is it true there are those really tall buildings, that you can even see clouds through its windows? He once asked. I remember that day so well. As always I was sitting in the courtyard smoking, while he kept me company. Ofcourse I said with a soft smile. So all these things we see on TV are real, right? He asked for confirmation. I nodded my head. Aha Mohannad. Yes.

Do you have them in London and Abu Dhabi as well? No, not really in London, and not in Abu Dhabi but in Dubai yes. You see a lot of them. Have you ever been in one? He asked. Yes. Did you ever open the window and feel the clouds? Wow that question took me aback. Made me think, have I ever been in one and did that? What a pity I thought to myself. You always take the things you have for granted. I laughed, No Mohannad, I was never smart enough like you to think of doing it. But I promise, next time Im in one, I will try and touch the clouds and will make sure to tell you all about it.

For that hour and 20 minutes, I wished Mohannad was sitting right next to me. I could easily imagine the amazed look on his face. I could easily see his goofy smile lighten his features while he probably stared in shock at the images afore me. I could easily feel his happiness coming through his dark brown eyes and his bushy eyebrows raised up with excitement.

What have these people seen in their lives? Really now. Millions of them have never been on a plane. Millions of them don’t even know whats going on in the rest of the world. Yet here we are, the rest of the so called civilization waking up every day, going about our business as if its normal. Is it really normal? Whats normal? Our life or theirs? No Im not gonna allow myself to fall into that trap. That horrid depression trap. But seriously what have the Iraqis seen in their lives. What have they gained?

I sit here now, this moment, writing these words, and my heart is truly filled with sadness. Yet Im smiling at the same time, for I remembered his words. You know Neurotica, once the Americans leave, I would have saved a fair amount of money. You know what I will do with this money Neurotica? I said, open a bakery? He shook his head. I said, Ummm open a car repair shop? For in Iraq, its either a bakery or a car repair shop, Lol. He shook his head again. What are you gonna do Mohannad? I asked curiously

Im going to get myself a passport and travel. Travel the world. I want to be just like those people I see on TV. Those people who go from one place to the other, carrying bags behind their backs, just like school children and hop on and off planes, trains, cars, busses. This is what I wanna do Neurotica. And ofcourse, I want to go to one of those tall buildings and touch the clouds. Touch them with my own hands, feel them with my fingers and he gestured high up with his rugged rough hands.

Yes I thought to myself. Inshallah you will. You definitely will Mohannad. One day. The car then suddenly took a swerve and I woke up from my sad, yet lovely daydream. We finally reached our destination. And yes, it was great seeing Mike, and meeting up with him in a so called "normal place" after nearly a month of leaving them. I only hope, that Mohannad, that 20 something year old guy will also be a visitor. My Visitor. My rundown Hurriya Visitor...

HUBBY's Iraqi Mistress Project...

2008-10-20T22:27:00.000+03:00

I cant make my mind up on what to write anymore. I have so much to talk about, but don’t know where to start. Shall I write about my outrage on the Iraqi govt’s slow reaction to what happened to my fellow Iraqi Christians in Mosul? Shall I write about life in Abu Dhabi as a single Wife? Or maybe complain about the soaring prices? How about my anxiety attacks that I keep getting whenever I go out? Hmmm or maybe I should talk about my insomnia? I dunno.

Im still trying to adjust to the “real” world. Im getting much better though. I have yet to train myself to be abit more patient and understanding. Baghdad spoiled me. Spoiled me BIG TIME.

I gave up the idea of finding a bigger place and stuck to the one Im renting at the moment. I was shocked at how much everything costs here. It wasn’t like this a year ago. Or even 6 months ago. Everyone is complaining, and I joined that statistic. Then comes the parking dilemma. OH MY GOD. That by itself is a huge factor of me staying at home. I did the mistake one night and stayed out late at my parents. It took me an hour and a half, LITERALLY to be able to find parking, and it wasn’t even a legal spot! It was a challenge and I didn’t care if it took me to the early hours of the morning to find a darn place to park!!!!

I am also realizing the sexist attitude men have towards a woman! Its either “Aaaaaaah, it’s a woman” and he drools, or “Oh, it’s a woman” and he curses! I asked one of the mirror shops to send over someone to take measurements so I can put some mirrors up. They sent this young guy. It was going fine UNTIL, until he asked me to hold the measure to help him out. This was in the bedroom mind you. He closed the door so he can measure the whole wall. I didn’t think much of it, although I did feel uncomfortable. He made me hold the measure, then all of a sudden, he came closer and friggin BRUSHED my body with his hand!!!!It took a few seconds for me to register what happened.

I immediately let go of the measure tape and stepped back! I would have thrown him out, but with his kind you never know what would have happened. Needless to say I started cursing HUBBY for not being here with me. Infact its becoming part of my daily ritual to curse, especially when I end up working on things HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING! UGHHHHH

Then ofcourse there’s the rude man. I was driving to go to the bank. All of a sudden the car infront stops. The man gets out, locks his door and goes into the building right then and there. I couldn’t believe it! He left me stranded in the middle of the road!!! I beeped and beeped. He came back, looked at me and started ushering angrily to leave. Roohee he kept saying. Roohee. (Go in Arabic)

LEAVE??? How the hell can I move my car? I gestured with my hand. I couldn’t bloody reverse because there were cars behind me! I couldn’t go forward because he was blocking me! He cursed me out, and went back inside!!! OH……MY….GOD….I sooooooooooo wanted to get out of the car and beat the shit out of him. But I needed to catch the bank before it closed! I managed to find a small space between 2 parked cars were I was able to squeeze through.To my shock, I see a police car with a police man in it witnessing the whole scene without doing ANYTHING!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR….

Yeah welcome to the real world I keep saying to myself. I infact laugh, laugh and shake my head. How did civilization change so much? Or maybe it was like that all the time but its only now that Im taking note of it? I dunno. Many things keep me up till the early hours of the morning. And when I cant sleep, I just go and move furniture around. Sofas that are triple my size! I guess its my way of therapy.

In 2 days a coworker of mine is stopping over on his way to his R&R, and I cant wait to meet up with him and the other Baghdadi friends. It would be fun and strange at the same time to be united in a place other than Baghdad. To be able to sit in a normal place void of any Twalls and stupid regulations. To be able to gossip about everything and everyone without having to look over our shoulder ten times incase someone close by is eavesdropping and turns the whispers into meaningless rumours!!! A few other friends are also planning to stop by in the coming months, which is great. Im so looking forward to seeing everyone again.

Infact, HUBBY suggested I go visit him some time soon. Im really contemplating the idea. It would be interesting to also squeeze a little trip on my way, to visit work and surprise everyone. At the same time I would love to go and meet HUBBY’s mistress. The mistress project he chose over me. HUBBY's Iraqi Mistress Project...

My Baghdadi Trance...

2008-10-06T11:46:00.003+03:00

I don’t wanna leave, I told HUBBY. Then don’t leave Neurotica. I don’t even know why you took that decision in the first place. I stared at him real hard, and shook my head. HUBBBBBBBBBBY, you are supposed to tell me LEAVE. Youre supposed to make it easier on me. Then it was his turn to shake his head. “Neurotica”, he said with a sigh, “I know you, you will never be satisfied with any answer I give you. Just do what YOU, feel is right for you.”

I made my way to the Big Boss to bid him farewell, “Umm, if I decide not to leave, will you be ok with it?” He laughed, which is a rare thing, and said, “Neurotica, all of us wanted you to stay, but its your choice, and your choice alone. I cant force you”

Next morning, I climbed into the car and waved goodbye to my beloved Iraq. I managed to pull off the quiet exit I always wanted. I cant describe the rush of emotions I had at that moment. All I can say that my heart ached. Literally ached. And just like a kid, I kept waving to the outside. Waving to houses. Waving goodbye to the beautiful palm trees. I even waved good bye to those ugly Twalls!!!

I spent a few days in Amman with HUBBY (that by itself will require a post on its own, never ever Amman AGAIN), before he returned back to Iraq and I made my way to AD. To say that I have been relaxing ever since then will be a huge LIE. I resumed work the minute we arrived in Amman. And ever since then its been just work work work. Worse than when I was actually in Baghdad. Some of you did comment that it’s a bad idea : ) I guess now I agree with you.

Although I havent spent much time with my family, I did see them a few times. They ofcourse started complaining about my “hermit” status. “You left Baghdad didn’t you? Why are you stuck in the flat?” My dad even called me yesterday and asked me in a sarcastic way “Neurotica, where are you? Still stuck in the Baghdad Trance?” LOL. Yup I guess I need to organize myself in a better way. Besides, Im working more than the 40 hours Im supposed to be putting in. So, definitely a re organization of priorities is in need. Not only for my sanity, if any is left, but for my health. My smoke intake has tripled!!! I go through three packs a day EASSSSSY!!!

Talking of which, yesterday I was having lunch at my parents, with only my sister and mom, my dad was invited out. And what a better way to end lunch than lighting a cig with my coffee. There I was smoking away enjoying every breath UNTIL. Until my dad appeared out of the blue amidst the smoky air. OH MY GOD. To say I wanted the floor to open up and devour me, is an understatement!!! I didn’t even bother turning towards him. It was sufficient to look at my sisters ashen face, LOL. I threw the cig in the sink, tossed my pack on the floor, stood up, and smiled. An uneasy smile, that of a kid who had just spilled milk all over the place.

Naturally, the smile wasn’t reciprocated back : ) I know my dad is aware of us smoking, but in our family its extremely rude and unheard of to smoke or even smell of smoke when our father is around. My sister keeps a bottle of perfume handy just for that occasion, lol. My mom ofcourse loved every minute of it, she sat there sniggering at me, cause she hates us smoking with a vengeance. Not funny MOM!!! Oh well, an episode I definitely will not repeat AGAIN.

I better get back to work and back to my trance. My Baghdadi Trance…

The Painful Present...

2008-09-23T21:16:00.002+03:00

I absolutely hate it when people come to work when theyre terribly sick. Why spread the germs???Im NOT catching a cold NOW!!! I repeat, I AM NOT!!! Ughhh...Almost all the office is sick, and Im about to leave in less than a week! To top it all off, I have this nasty cruel zit that just popped up on my chin yesterday. Out of all places, its right there in everyones face! Things like that happen to me all the time especially around the time I travel. I blame it on stress.

Work has been especially hectic. One report after the other, and its non stop. I guess its all because of the new General. Its funny, every time a new Gen takes command, reports have to be done to explain every single reconstruction effort from 2003 upto now. Then ofcourse you have to brief them of the problem childs and the path forward. With every new person, they have a new vision.

They come here with big ideas, thinking that they will be able to fix everything, lol. We give them about a few weeks until they settle in and realize the sad reality. But in the meantime, its reports and information galore. I have also been offered to stay working for the same company, doing the same thing from home. It kinda took me aback when the Big Boss suggested it.

Im not complaining at all, but it sure will be a challenge simply because Im used to the fast pace here and I always tend to nag people to get the information I need. Whereas Im away, people will probably think they can get away, but I warned them, if I don’t get what I need on time, then I will be calling them up every 5 mins. Yeah HUBBY sorry, you will have to pay for these phone bills, hehe. I called my parents up to tell them of the good news and to warn them of any expectations they have of me once I get back.

But Umm dad, theres something I need to tell you
Dad: What is it?
Me: Ummm, well, although I will be coming back home, I just want to let you know, that I am NOT, and I repeat, I am NOT going to be attending any family obligations. No weddings, no funerals, no lunches, no dinners. NOTHING
(There was silence)
Me: Hello? Dad? You still there?
Dad: Yes, so tell me whats new? You never liked going out in the first place. You never do.
Me laughing: I know I know, but I just wanted to make sure and reiterate the point. I will spend time with YOU, my immediate family, but don’t expect me to see relatives, cousins etc. I am in no mood for small talk, or for smiling pretending to be happy all the time, its just not in me.
Dad: Just come here and don’t worry.

His words put a large smile on my face. Yes dad, I will come soon, I thought to myself. In fact you will probably get so fed up of me that you probably will pack my bags for me yourself and send me back here, hehe.

Although Im looking forward to going back to AD, Im certainly not happy that HUBBY will remain here. YES. Im leaving ALONE. He is staying!!!I know right? It doesn’t make sense. But I just cant hack it anymore. I really cant. Two days ago, I was clearing a few papers in my room, when it hit me. It hit me that I wont be here next week. Everyday now is my last day in Iraq. So I sat on my bed hopeless. I placed my hand under my chin and started thinking. Thinking of whether I can stay here until the end of the year. OMG. Just the thought, the thought itself felt like a huge Twall just dumped on my shoulder. Yup, THAT heavy. I just cant.

And I know, Im gonna go back to 4 years ago, when Id stress out about the whereabouts of HUBBY if I don’t hear from him. I cant imagine reliving those moments AGAIN!!! Thats what started this blog in the first place!!! At the same time, I don’t have any energy left in me to nag him. I seriously don’t. Im kinda fed up with this whole situation. And you know whats worse? Whats worse is he says he is fed up too, but he has to stay. Stay and see the end of his project. Im doing it for the people, Neurotica, You have to understand.

Yeah I guess I have to, but I never will. But, life goes on. That’s what I learnt. I refuse to live in the past, nor live in the future. But, I will live in the present. The Painful Present…

Generation Iraq

2008-09-20T21:11:00.002+03:00

I received the email below (I took the names out for security reasons) today from the rep in baghdad of Generation Iraq. Please, anyone who is willing to help and lend a hand, contact them. Once I go back to AD, I will make it my personal project to get as many people as I can interested in sponsoring these kids.

EMAIL:
Thanks for your sponsorship of the orphans, I'm sure all the seeds you plant will come fruits.
XXXX told me about you and my pleasure to know you and work with you to help the Iraqi Orphans. My name is xxx I'm the Director of G.I. ORG. Baghdad Office, Iraq

As you know the continuing wars & terrorism in Iraq have left deep and painful scars in the memory of the Iraqi People, there is not a body or soul untouched in Iraq, the wars made deep wounds that have been part of our soul, so they can never be forgotten and women, Children are the victims, we decided to help our people and our nation, through out helping the widows and the children.

I'm working with G.I. Org. in this program of sponsoring the orphans at the orphanges supported by G.I. Org. I'm working with 3 orphanges the first one is Bait Al-Toufil orphanage at Karada District we have 50 boys Ages from 7-up to 18 years old. The other orphanage for girls is St. Hanna Orphanage at Karada District we have 64 girls Ages from7-20, also we have Zafaraniya District we help the orphans and displaced widows immigrated from south of Iraq owing to the hard situation of Security and the sectarian wars they lost the parents, Families, homes and they were in bad situation, each widow have 6 or 7 kids without money and home. I.G.Org. works hard to support them.

Also G.I. Org. extending the assistance for ( Dar Annyah) Karada District, this house have 40 disabled ladies we providing them with medicial care, clothing, and other supplies. I hope our work will be avery positive and very helpful, I have 2 Orphans for you to sponsor:
The first Orphan: Ahmad 9- years old ( Bait Al-Toufil Orphanage) he had lost his parents in the explosion in Dora District last year and had 3 sisters : Zainab 6 years old, Fatima 12 years old and Maryam 8 years ol, She lives with her 2 sisters in the Garage very old and narrow with her grandmother at Abou Nawas Street and they have nothing, so I want you to sponser Maryam.

She asked me to take her with her sisters to St.Hanna Orphanage but the problem is with the grandmother she is very old and they connot leave her alone in the street, I'm planning to take Maryam to St.Hanna Orphanage, though it is very hard to seperate the girls. Maryam 8 years old she is nice with full smile on her face always she is happy.. and have hope for the future...!!
On the day of the explosion she was with her family and she survived and founded by the Iraqi Police she had serious burns on her legs & arms and she stayed one month at the hospital with her grandmother. Now she is in great need of help,

Thanks again for your assistance and may the Al-Mighty God bless you.

~End of Email~
So please make their life worthwhile. Let them taste the true meaning of the word. I dont want to ever see this image again.

We may not be able to alter the political situation, but at least, we can alter some lives. Maybe not all, but a few. This cause is very very close to my heart, I hope it is to yours. Please spread the word...

A Pure and Honest Honour...

2008-09-18T22:00:00.005+03:00

I didn’t want to over shadow my earlier post, but I want these words to be posted, so I can remember it forever, and remember today. As always I was out smoking, I came in, and I see our Director of Programs walking extremely fast. He then looked at me and said “where have you been hiding?” in a very serious voice. I was surprised for why is he asking me this? He doesn’t deal with me, he never had.

I continued walking and sat on my chair to do my work. I looked around, I see the CG (Commanding General) in our area, talking to our Sector Lead, like he always does. I didn’t think much of it. Two minutes later, I noticed a movement from the side of my eye. Again didn’t think much of it. UNTIL. Until they were all standing next to my desk. I looked up and saw the General with a serious frown and then he said “Has anyone read your rights to you young lady?” To say I was scared shitless, will be an understatement. In all my three years, and the one year under this General, these were his first words ever to me. My first thought was Oh Shit, they found out about my blog. I just stood up, and looked as confused as ever. Then the Director of Programs said “You have broken the law, you know you cant smoke here, don’t you?”

Hmm, at that point, although relieved cause its not about the blog, I knew something was fishy. So I simply looked straight at him and said “No, I don’t”. He then broke into smiles, and so did the General, and there, the General opened his hand, and handed me the Coin of Excellence. WOW. The General rarely does that for contractors, and he rarely comes to someone’s desk and hands them the coin. Thanks to the Big Boss, and my utmost thanks goes to MY Boss for asking to recognize my efforts (Thank you). I am ever so grateful for their belief in me.

But when the moment of truth came by, Me, Neurotic Iraqi Wife, the woman that can go on talking forever and give headaches to people all over the world, to her family and friends, and ofcourse her husband, at that moment, I was utterly SPEECHLESS! Not a single word that I have learnt since childhood came out of these lips except the words Thank You. Bloody hell.

You cannot understand how stupid I felt. Really Stupid. During all that, my mind was going “What IS WRONG WITH YOU, SAY SOMETHING ELSE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” And the words Thank you, just kept popping up. OH MY GOD. But then I finally managed to say how I really felt; that it was an honour for me to be here in my own country because I believe it’s the duty of every Iraqi to try and do something, as little as it may seem. Phew.

I seriously don’t think I deserve this coin, but instead, I believe that this coin should be dedicated to all those who lost their lives in the name of this country. First and foremost I dedicate it to all the innocent Iraqi martyrs whose blood is still running deep. Deep within these rivers. And ofcourse, I also dedicate it to the coalition forces and the multi national forces who may not have sacrificed their lives because they “love” us, but they sacrificed their lives in the name of their own country. And to me, to me all those who sacrificed their lives for THEIR country is the epitome of ones honour. A Pure and Honest Honour…

The Faces of Innocence...

2008-09-18T08:48:00.004+03:00

It seems Im on a rant week about the government. I cant stop myself. Even in normal conversations with coworkers, and over the phone with my family AND HUBBY I just go off and get angry about the whole situation simply because its frustrating the hell out of me, and I cannot do anything about it except type these words!!!

The other day, the govt’s spokesman, Ali Al Dabbagh, was on TV and had the nerve of saying “We don’t need America’s money to rebuild Iraq, we have enough Iraqi money” O…H….M….Y….G….O….D!!!! And although my shoes are so so dear to me, I couldn’t help but grab my trainers and threw it with all my might at his face!!!UGHHHHHHHH. Wish it was for real!

For the love of God, whose money is it that was spent the last five years? Planet Mars’s Money? We KNOW Iraq is a rich country, we don’t need someone like you to tell us. Funny how they say that so lightly yet many of the Iraqis live in poverty. So Mr Ali, can you show us the Money please? Or is it sewn so deep in your pockets that you cant reach it!!! Ok, don’t show us just use the friggin money to benefit the people. Your people that you so care about.

Im telling you, these people are in denial big time. They need to be institutionalized for mental and psychological problems. Either that, or they suffer from really bad amnesia! Maybe we need to get them some memory pills as a Eid present, will that do the trick? Or how about Microsoft or Sony (Im outta touch with the latest play station gadgets) come up with a game, or more like a movie, which shows the timelines and events that took place. Each govt personnel will sit in an isolated chamber with a headset, and one of those 3D glasses and watch what REALLY happened, and WHO spent all the money on the rebuilding! Seriously now, I mean COME ON!!!

I am so damn angry. Really! Apart from the news that keep getting on my nerves, I have also been following this Iraqi series called the “Pasha”. Yeah I was done with Nour (Turkish Soap Opera), and now its Nouri! It basically is a story about Nouri Al Saeed’s life and the British Occupation. It amazes me how 90 year old events are repeating themselves. Its true what they say, History really does repeat itself. The same dilemmas, the same mentality.

You would think after all the advancement the world has evolved into, Iraqis would learn. But NO. We cant learn from the past. It’s a sin to go for something new. It’s a sin to put the Iraqi people’s welfare above everything. How can we. It goes against all our principles! We just love to relive events time and time and time AGAIN. That’s the way we are, We suffer from OCD. Yeah that’s exactly it!!!

Maybe I should quit writing for awhile, because I feel I have become like a broken record. Either that, or maybe I should boycott the news. What do you think? Ofcourse frustration has to be followed by something even better! SUFFOCATION! Yaaaaaaay. We were inundated with a 3 day long dust storm. Certainly something I will NOT miss once I leave here. We barely were able to breathe! I wonder how my insides look if I go for a full check up?!? Doubt I wanna do that. My mom told me, that before I set foot in their house and give her a kiss on the cheeks, I should 1- go see a Dr to check my mental state (LOL) and 2- go to a full cleansing clinic that will spray me with antibacterial cleanser incase I acquired filthy diseases! She just makes me laugh. I love my mom.

Oh and to top all the above, you know how badly Im trying to avoid farewells etc. Well what to do you say when MY Boss, ORDERED me to be available for the monthly hail and farewell ceremony they hold for their employees. HE ORDERED ME!!! Its in a few days, so Im trying to come up with a very cheeky plan. Something along the lines of eating raw defrosted piece of fish which will guarantee me a bed in the clinic!!! With that I will be killing two birds with one stone. One, get poisoned and will not be available on THAT day, and TWO make my mom happy cause my insides will be cleansed out!!! Yaaaaaaaay. I knew I am smart…hehe. If anyone has better ideas, then please do share, I need all the help I can to get out of it!

One final note, its been a great struggle for me to find one good NGO, that I can trust so I can donate money which I KNOW and am SURE will benefit the Iraqis, especially the orphans in Iraq. A few weeks ago, we received a newsletter of this website, Generation Iraq, I immediately got intouch with one of the ladies who is based in the US, and she was extremely forthright and helpful. I can safely say, the money will go to a good cause because they have people HERE, here on the ground.

Please, if you feel you can give away $35 a month or even more to sponsor an Iraqi orphan then get intouch with them. It is for a good cause. I will never ever forget the images of these boys that were deprived of the basics of life that were left struggling, starved to death. NEVER. I will leave here, knowing that although I didn’t build schools, bridges, etc, I atleast managed to put a smile on a few Faces. The Faces of Innocence…

Their Filthy Blooded Hands...

2008-09-12T10:12:00.001+03:00

Its Friday, the day where I hybernate in my room until its time to go to work the next day. I dont usually read news because I know that something will definitely upset me, and out of all days Fridays are always my peaceful days. But I decided to look at the headlines, and lo and behold, I read this :Parliament to decide on a new flag in November!!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???People wrote to me telling me Im being too harsh on the Iraqi govt in my post "The blatant Neurotic Iraqi Truth". HARSH??? I dont think I was harsh enough. I dont think there are words that can describe my anger, my frustrations, my disappointment in this seriously deranged govt. No, there arent any words except curse ones and I will keep those to myself.

Dont you see anything wrong with this picture? I think they have truly lost it. Lost all sanity. They left aside all other important issues, and they concentrate their efforts on changing the flag AGAIN!!! Please tell me, agree with me here. I really cannot fathom their states of minds. What kind of humans are they? People are dying from the Cholera in Babil and Missan, and these fools tried their best to hide these facts. They forbid any journalists to take pictures or write about the deaths thats overwhelming these districts. WHY??? Is a piece of cloth that hangs behind them in darn interviews more important than Iraqis lives??? God dammit!!!

Im sorry, but this is seriously too much for me right now. When the flag first changed after removing the stars because they said it represented Saddam's Baath, no one was happy. They also used the excuse of pleasing our Kurdish partners. What partners? In every single interview shown on TV with a Kurdish politician, there was NO sign of the new flag. NOTHING. Instead they had their own Kurdish one. I mean cmon, who are they trying to fool here.

Come November and they want to change it? Why and what for? Why cant they concentrate on the real issues here? None of the Iraqis I know that work with me even paid attention to the new one. All of them still have the old ones above their desk, including yours truly. Thats the flag I knew all my life, and thats the flag I will take with me to my grave. But the issue here, the real issue is, this govt is making a fool of itself. In fact they ARE fools. Ughhhhhhh...

The saddest part of all this is, these people are here to stay. Elections or no elections, its not gonna make a difference. I asked all the Iraqis whether they will be voting, majority replied with a NO. "What for Neurotica? We voted last time and look where it got us" I said but you have to vote to take these poeple out. One laughed and said "Neurotica, who are we fooling here? these are worse than Saddam, no one can take them out. I will not waste my time Neurotica"

I am too angry to write more. I wish with all my heart Obama wins and all the troops leave very soon. VERY SOON. I cant wait to see that day. Maybe then and only then the govt's sanity will return. That is if they had sanity to begin with. All the money theyre getting from their Oil exports is ending up in their pockets. Not a single Iraqi saw the gains. They fool them with building new swimming pools and gardens, so the world can say wow look Iraqis are enjoying themselves in this heat. Iraqi boy had his first swim in his life, bla bla bla. What about the Cholera? The cholera thats sweeping many parts of this nation? What about the sewers flooding the streets? Give me a break.

If anything, they should change the flag to just the colour red. A red piece of cloth rifraffing behind them indicating the Blood of the innocent on their hands. Their Filthy Blooded Hands...

Revisiting the Angel of Humanity...

2008-09-11T16:40:00.003+03:00

I wrote this tribute 2 years ago. And I would like to rekindle Kristin's spirits.

11 September 2006
Its a great honour for me to take part in honouring those who gave their lives on that fateful day... Today Im gonna pay tribute to a young lady by the name of Kristin A. Irvine-Ryan... When I got assigned to write about Kristin, I was utterly shocked by the similarites we had...Kristin, a 30 year old woman, newly married lost her life in the World Trade Center... But I personally dont believe that those who died on that day are actually dead...No they are here, here with their families...Looking over them...guarding them...There's a saying in Quran which says :Dont believe that those who die are dead, infact they are with God alive and well... Kristin is now an angel...An angel right next to God...

The more I researched about Kristin, the more I felt connected to her... Kristin was no ordinary person...She co founded a charity Secret Smiles and never told her family about it... She didnt want to flaunt it... From the testimonies I read, Kristin was one hot headed woman, very determined, very focused and most of all always there...always there to lend a hand... Kristin, I know that you will never be forgotten...You and the 3000 people that lost their lives that day are here...You are here with us...You are here with us to remind us....To remind us that we have to fight...fight those who not only invaded our freedom, but also took away the most precious thing we had... Our Lives...

Kristin, I write to you and my heart is filled with sadness and anger...I write to you in hope that you can hear me...hear my cries, hear my pain... I write to you and my heart is clenched... The images of those towers...Those mighty towers, a sign of power...a sign of no fear, crumbling into dust... That day I was sitting at my office in London, watching in horror the events that took place... Watching and my tears never stopped flowing... The images of people having to choose between choking to death, or falling to their deaths... I always wandered, everyday ever since that day how did people feel...What was going inside their minds... What was their last thoughts...What was your last thought Kristin... What was your last words??? I will never know...

I come from a religeon that respects life... Theres a saying in Quran, One who kills an innocent life is like killing a whole nation... Those who did this act are nothing but sinners... They will go to hell and you mark my words... Islam does not believe in them, for they interpret God's words to serve their own agenda, their own evil hunger... I am a Muslim, yet I cried for you, I cried for all of you... I am a Muslim and I condemned these heinous acts... I am a Muslim, yet those who committed these crimes are no brothers of mine...Kristin, your memory will go on... Your spirit is here, here with those who care...

Five years ago, humanity was shaken... Five years later and humanity is still at war... We are at war with Terrorism... Terrorism has taken new forms and new shape... Terrorism has taken over my country Iraq... Terrorism has taken hundreds of thousands of lives...Innocent Lives... But as I said, these lives may not be here with us physically, but their spirits are lingering about, protecting us with the help of God... You know Kristin, I always thought that those who die innocently are the chosen ones... The chosen ones by God... They are the ones that will fill heaven with their goodness... Fill heaven with their spirits... Kristin, your loss probably was beyond painful, but I say this, you are the lucky ones...The lucky ones that were chosen by God on that Day...

As I write this, Im getting goosebumps...For all of a sudden I feel a surge of energy...A strange tingling feeling that just ran through my body... I just looked outside the window, and I can see a glimpse of the Sun's rays trying hard to fight the clouds... Is that You Kristin...Is that You??? Is that you trying to shed a smile on Brendan and your family???

I dont know you Kristin, but somehow, I really wish I did...I really wish I had met you, I wish I had spoken to you... I have so many questions in my mind... We come from two different cultures yet I feel so close...so close to your ideas...to your ways... Kristin, I may not have suffered the pain your family suffered with your loss...But Im suffering everyday through the Iraqi children's eyes...Those eyes that are innocently forced shut by the same people that ended your life... We will get them Kristin, if not in my lifetime then in my children's life time... We have to get them...We have to...There is no other way...

Your name and your Spirit Kristin A Irvine-Ryan will ever be engraved in millions of people's minds and hearts and I assure you it will forever be engraved in mine...For you are still here, still here with us...Your spirit is soaring high above...Soaring in the ever blue skies...Soaring above with your wings flapping...Flapping in the beautiful breeze... The breeze of hope, the breeze of Life...Flapping forever for you are an Angel... An Angel of Humanity...

The blatant Neurotic Iraqi Truth…

2008-09-07T13:49:00.002+03:00

Let me tell you about some of the things I learnt while being here for the past 3 years. (Warning, this may end up a long post). When I first came here, I would pass by people’s desks and see posters with the question “What have you done for the Iraqi people today?” This piece of paper was hung on almost everyone’s desks. I would laugh to myself and think what BS. Who are they kidding?

Come today and I myself can answer that question. They have done A LOT. I have been a long time critic of the US and this reconstruction program. But three years on and I can see it, see it clearly. The initial stages were a mess. YES. There was no planning what so ever, they had money sitting out there and were “ordered” to “obligate” every penny in the shortest time ever or else it would expire and they wont be able to use it. Hence the chaotic manner of how contracts were awarded.

Right now, not many people can visualize whats really going on here in Iraq. But I can. I have come a long way to realize the reality of it all. Unfortunately though, there are people who prey on bad news. Sorry, no bad news in this post. What you read here, is factual. I have no agenda to benefit from the words Im writing. Reality is, things have been built. Projects have been renovated and fixed. For me, its like a massive canvass of mosaic pieces scattered all over. You cant see the complete piece of art just yet. But its there. It really is. I KNOW.

People have become skeptical, and rightly so. But the question of “What have you done for the Iraqi people today?” should be hung in every Iraqi Ministry and organization instead. I wonder what THEIR answer will be? Because honestly, THEY have done NOTHING, NOTHING for their people, except embezzle money. Yup. That’s the truth. The Iraqis, or to be specific, the Iraqis in the government and higher places, are the laziest most unreliable people ever. They have no interest in benefitting their country nor their people. They are first class crooks!!! And seriously, none of them deserve to be here!

I will give you an example, a very simple one without breaching any confidentiality. Take Project A. Within the scope of work of that project, is to give training to the Iraqi engineers inorder for them to learn techniques on how to handle maintaining the state of the art systems installed. It’s the Ministry’s call to choose who to send to these training sessions, which initially were held in England, Italy, Jordan, Egypt etc. Key word here is “Maintenance”. You don’t send the general manager, or a secretary or the vice president!?! You send engineers that will have hands on experience, people who actually will do the dirty work and who need to know the nitty gritty.

Ministry comes back with a huge list of names. Ofcourse none are the hands on people. They took it as a tourism trip. Many wouldn’t even attend the sessions, instead they would go out and have fun. Ok, granted, they are in need of some freedom, some air to breathe. BUT, this is a project worth millions of dollars. Anyhow, they come back from training with ofcourse no lessons learnt. The Americans have completed the project, and left. Job is done. Finished.

A week, literally a week after it was handed over to the Iraqis, the project was in tatters! Parts of it burnt, and others unfixable. A project worth millions of dollars gone down the drains!!! Down the drains JUST LIKE THAT!!! No, Its not the Americans fault. They have completed the job. It’s the Iraqis fault for not wanting to learn. For not wanting to take care of these essential projects. So seriously “What have YOU done for the Iraqis Today?”

People are scared that the US will leave. Those are the same people that were fighting the US. The same people who killed and butchered them. The same people who swore a Jihad War against them. Now they want them to stay? Wow, truly we are people of contradictions. In my own “humble” opinion, I think its time for the US to leave. I used to think they should stay to correct the mayhem and chaos they have started, but no. There is no point anymore. Its now the Iraqis turn to stand on their feet.

Yes, there will be bloodshed, no doubt. But this cant go on forever. Iraqis have become weak. Weak and far too dependant on others. They have become ungrateful, greedy, evil people. And here again, I mean the ones in government and higher up. Very few care. Very few. If the coalition forces keep supporting them via money, project rebuilding, security etc, Iraqis will never be able to stand on their feet. NEVER. And inorder to survive they HAVE TO LEARN!!!

Remember, for the past 35 years or more, this country was ruled by one and only one ruthless leader. All these in power now, never ever dreamt that the day will come where THEY will have a say and the power. Its just like picking someone off the streets and giving him a million dollars. Something he never tasted before. If the person is good natured, then he will do good things. If he has an evil streak then wave goodbye…And I think I have waved many goodbyes regarding this Iraqi government. Theyre USELESS!

I also learnt that we are such a whining bunch of people. Ughhhh. I know I mustn’t generalize, but being here all this time, made me get off my high horse. FINALLY. Iraqis are not saints nor are the foreign troops. But we blame the US for Haditha, we blame the US for Abu Ghraib, we blame the US for every friggin damn thing, when in reality, we miss the whole point of looking within ourselves. Did we forget the hundreds of tortured prisoners in the Interior ministry??? Did we forget those innocent orphans that were starved to death by their own Iraqi caretakers??? Wow! Did we forget the raping, killing, kidnapping, torture of women and children by OUR OWN PEOPLE??? If we Iraqis, cannot respect our own blood, why do we expect strangers, to respect us!!!

Yeah we tend to have a very short term memory. We always turn the tables around and play the blame game. ENOUGH. Five years on and we cant get along. Five years on, and we cant even stand on our own feet. Even a five year old kid has more will than this 26 million nation!!! WAKE UP. WAKE and ask yourself. Ask yourself what have you done for the Iraqis today? Stop being a bunch of hypocrites and narcissists. No wonder Iraqis are doomed everywhere. This is the truth. The blatant Neurotic Iraqi Truth…

The “REALLY” Question…

2008-09-06T20:17:00.002+03:00

“Are you REALLY leaving?” a question I have been asked every single day ever since I got back from my vacation, more so TODAY!!! OH MY GOD. Maybe I should have one of those fluorescent yellow post it notes stuck to my forehead with the word “YES REALLY” so their question gets answered without even uttering the words. Seriously now. And what bugs me even more is when someone asks me and at that same moment some other person overhears it and would answer on MY BEHALF “No she isn’t”. Hmmmm, when did I lose my freedom of speech???

Well Im glad to see the great interest everyone is having with my departure. My departure AND departure date. Never thought it would be such an interesting source of conversation between people. I know some are sad and others probably cant wait to see me LEAVE, at the same time, I need them to understand that although I took that decision, it doesn’t mean that Im not sensitive and emotional about it. Bloody hell, Im leaving behind memories, memories of the only time I have lived in my own country, memories that I can actually remember. So no I don’t appreciate people reminding me every second of the day….Ughhhhh

Some have even suggested a farewell do. WOW. No thanks is always my answer. Dont want any farewells, nor speeches. I just want to leave in peace. Yes its nice of them to suggest it, but no, because I know my emotions will takeover, and once my emotions do that, it will be a never ending story. Best way is to escape, escape the incognito way :)

That’s all Im posting today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. A day void of that horrible irritating question. The “REALLY” Question…

Obama the "Bahama"???

2008-08-30T15:24:00.003+03:00

I havent been in the mood to blog lately. Im finding it extremely difficult to write about many things, when I know people who know me personally read my words. Ughhhh!!! I wish I never told anyone about it. Oh well Too late. I even missed my four year blogging anniversary!:(

I have started the tiresome cleaning process of both my electronic files and my room. Although I still have plenty of time, but Id rather get it out of the way. Have already given away one huge trash bag filled with clothes and toiletries. Some of the clothes still have their tags on. But Im trying to get rid of many things because first as a so called “TCN” Im not allowed to mail anything, and second, doubt they mail to the Emirates!

Tomorrow is a holiday for us (Labour Day is celebrated a day before) and I just cant wait to be a hermit for over 24 hours, woohoo. Im going to continue the clean up process. The shoes seem to be the most difficult to depart with, so Im keeping that to the last minute.

Skimming through old emails from two years ago is also turning out to be a nightmare. It would take me 5 minutes on each email to decide whether Im keeping it or deleting it. There are some of mine to govt personnel with my smart ass rude replies, lol. I still wonder how the hell did I last this long!?!

I have also been actively searching for a new flat to rent in AD. The prices have skyrocketed to an absurdly ridiculous numbers. For a 2 bedroom flat in a good area, 2 years ago would cost about 65k/yr AED. Now that same flat costs around 120k to 140k AED. It just is driving me nuts. Everyone is saying I should stay in the one I have already. I don’t mind that at all, except HUBBY feels “claustrophobic”. Im paraphrasing, He isn’t used to sitting in a place with no garden or balconies. WTH!!! He has been in a darn trailer or a hole in the wall room for over 4 years! I cant understand his logic because simply there isn’t any.

Maybe its just an excuse for him to take us to Florida. I don’t know. But that idea is not appealing to me at the moment, especially when I really want to be close to my family and NOT be a neighbour to 60 or 70 year old people who I have nothing in common with!!! It sure will be an interesting chapter of our life. And I am looking forward to it. Lets see how it goes.

Im also trying to secure a job before I actually leave this place. My boss has been great with forwarding my CV and talking to people he knows. I was taken aback by his enthusiasm. A few others have also suggested I give them my CV. Which is great. I don’t think I can handle being unemployed for a long time. Im very challenge oriented, and so taking on something new will be amazing. If I do get it, that is.

On a last note, whats up with this cat and mouse game of troop withdrawal? You either agree or don’t. Everyday I read a different headline that negates what was public the day before. Seriously now, why cant both countries just sign the darn papers already. Besides, since the US keeps saying that Iraq is a sovereign country with its independent laws, why cant the US just say yes to the Iraqi Govt’s request?!? Although Im extremely pessimistic to the aftermath BUT if the Iraqis feel that they would be ready by that date, then so be it. Bloody hell. Just sign the deal!!! Geez. If its 2011 then you still have 3 years to do what you want to do. THREE YEARS! Or maybe 3 years isn’t enough?

Im not gonna waste my breath on political shite anymore. I think its borrrrrrrring. Oh forgot to say that I actually was able to watch the Obama speech. Pretty impressive I must admit. He is growing on me very slowly. Im interested to find out how is his popularity in the States? Is he popular? Is he the favourate? What are people from other countries think?

I asked a few Iraqis, many did not seem to have interest in the US politics “We have enough of the Iraqi one let alone the US” in their own words. But of the minority who did say they are curious, said they like Obama more. It was funny, cause one of the guys said in a very enthusiastic manner and I quote “No Macyeen, yes Bahama” Bahama? I thought to myself, is that a new candidate that I haven’t heard about, hmmm? It took me a few seconds to register he actually meant Obama, lol. Oh well…

The question still remains, is the US ready and willing to accept an African American as president? Will it go down in US history? In a few months we will find out. Is it gonna be Obama? Obama the “Bahama”???

The Scrumptious Iraqi Date Scent...

2008-08-16T19:55:00.003+03:00

I still am enjoying the last few days of my vacation before heading back to Iraq. Usually the days before I board that plane is reserved for last minute shopping, but this time, this time there is no such thing. For the first time in my life I will be traveling with a virtually empty suitcase. Nothing like the 30kg and above that Im used to. Oh no. This time my bag will have nothing but the basic necessities. I need the space, every space I can muster for the clutter, ok ok ok it’s the SHOES that I have collected over my years in Baghdad.

Am I excited? I dunno. I guess I will be able to answer that question on my last day there. But I am excited that I will have a chance to see the real Baghdad one last time. Yes I know, I did promise my family that I will never do it again, but hey, who knows when will the next time be. A few days ago while HUBBY and I were having dinner he all of a sudden said with some urgency in his voice “Neurotica, look at me” Wow I thought to myself, HUBBY has become ever the romantic, hmmm must be the effect of that torturous hour of Noor that I put him through every night, hehe. “Please don’t do it ok?” I shook my head in total confusion.

Is he telling me not to take that deliciously tempting juicy piece of tikka? Yeah I have been pigging out lately, he is right. “Don’t do it ok?” He repeated. I had no clue what he was on about. “I know you want to. I know that you feel you have to do it, but please if not for me then for your family, think of them”. Hmm I didn’t think that the Tikka has become a hot family topic.

“What are you talking about HUBBY?” His frown became more apparent. “I know you want to go out in the red zone. Please don’t. You promised your brother remember”. All of a sudden that tikka didn’t look so tempting afterall. How the hell did HE know??? Hmm, HUBBY can read my thoughts, WTH. I just shrugged my shoulders. Yes I did promise but I need to do it. I have to. I cant just leave without saying my farewell to my country. I just cant do that. Problem is, M, the only guy I trusted, the person who took me out last time has gone to the States.

There are a few people who keep asking me to come out with them, but I don’t know them well enough, besides I cant put THEIR life in jeopardy. I guess I will have to play it by ear. Besides everyone tells me the situation is much better now, so I don’t think it should be a concern to anyone. HUBBY called me selfish for wanting to do it. Am I selfish for wanting to go out one last time? I don’t think so.

I want to smell the real air for one last time. I want to take a last look through the windows of my heart at my childhood house. I want to devour every corner, every date tree, every broken pavement. I want to watch the people my people go on with their daily lives for one last time. No, I don’t call that selfish. I call it yearning. My Yearning that was barely satisfied through the 3 years I was there.

Time is running out, and as I keep passing by my empty suitcase that’s lying in that small corner, I smile. A smile filled with both sadness and happiness. For this bag has accompanied me ever since my journey started. From DC in 2005 where I had my Badge issued to Kuwait to Baghdad. It accompanied me on all my travels around the world. It was the perfect safe for the souvenirs I used to bring back for my coworkers. It was the perfect storage for all my SHOEEEEEES. Yeah this bag has seen so much and I think the time has come to give it a break.

Atleast for now delicious aroma traces of the famous Haji BekirTurkish Delight and the yummy Green Apple Tea I brought back with me can still be smelt in the air. Soon these will be substituted. Substituted by a unique Scent. The Scrumptious Iraqi Date Scent…

Grilled Prawns Ala Turkish Spit...

2008-08-13T19:51:00.003+03:00

It felt as if I was on one of those Sex and the City sets except we are three friends not four, and we are all married not single all sitting in this cozy coffee shop in an upscale area in Dubai sipping yummy lattes and gossiping about all the people we know. Both of my friends are pregnant, one with her second child the other with her third and both are my childhood friends. I just loved sitting there listening to their stories about motherhood and life in general. I didn’t feel odd or bored what so ever, on the contrary for the 3 hours we were there I was taken to a point so far away from Baghdad and my own reality.

As HUBBY picked me up to go back to AD I was extremely disappointed that the time flew by so fast. He asked whether I had fun. “Oh my god HUBBY, I havent had so much easy fun in a long long time. It was great to see them after all these years”. And it definitely was good to see them. I cant even remember when was the last time we actually met up. Ever since they moved to Dubai and I went to Baghdad it became abit difficult to have our lattes together.

In a few weeks time I too will end up like them, no, not pregnant, but a simple house wife. Yup, I have spoken to my Boss and we both decided on a date that’s suitable for both the company and myself. They need me to train someone and so I need some time to do that not that my job is complicated, in fact its very simple but needs a lot of attention to details and consistency. When my friends asked how I felt about the decision, I simply said ask me when Im back here. Yes it is definitely going to be difficult to adjust to a normal life and leave behind the people I got so accustomed to, but at the same time I think its time to move on. To move on and start afresh and this time unlike the last one, I am in fact ready.

So yeah I will be back here spending some quality time with family. I am abit apprehensive for not finding a job before I leave, but I guess I will start looking once Im ready. When I informed the whole family about my decision everyone was just in shock. It took them a few seconds to register what I was actually saying and then the whole room broke into sounds of clapping and people Yaaaaaaaaying. Lol. Hmmm, I didn’t know I was missed THAT much.

We came back from Turkey a week ago, and it was great fun. Istanbul was just breathtaking. Would definitely go there again, as for Bodrum, well that’s a long story which I will keep for another post. All I can say, we were taken for a ride, a big one too! At the same time my perception of Turkish people has changed. I used to think they hated Arabs, but everyone we saw and talked to were extremely friendly and more so when they found out we were Iraqis.

There is this famous Café in Bodrum called the Bodrum Café, we sat there for dinner as we were meeting my brother in law and nephew there. One of the waiters asked “where you from? Spain?” We laughed and said no, Iraq. “Ooooooooooh, Iraq, Iraq good but very much war, America bad. America evil”. Hubby and I looked at each other and so I said to the waiter, “Hmm but if we said we were Americans, you would say “Goooooood America, nice America”” The Waiter laughed sarcastically and walked off. “Umm HUBBY, I think I probably should have kept my mouth shut cause I think Im gonna end up with Grilled Prawns ala Turkish spit” Lol…

The Prawns did eventually arrive, so did HUBBY’s paella which he barely ended up eating because the darn thing was filled with so much chilli. HUBBY loves chilli, but umm not to THAT extent. I think the waiter told the chef “Zey are Iraqis, bad Iraqis make zer food spicyyyyyyyy, very spicyyyyyy” hehe. I did have my Grilled Prawns though. Grilled Prawns ala Turkish Spit…

BubbleShare: Share photos - Create and Share Crafts

The Entrancing Noor...

2008-07-16T18:25:00.001+03:00

Before I came here, I used to be a book worm for novels. I reached a point where I could devour 2 books a day! Yup. It used to drive my poor mom nuts!!! I would lock myself in the room and just read, immersing all my feelings to the words on the page, ignoring my mom’s ear shattering voice calling me for lunch, calling me for dinner, calling me for social commitments. Books used to take me away from reality. I guess I was a big dreamer then, not sure what happened and changed all that? Aaaaah I forgot, I came here.

Come today, and after three years in this prison society, the only time I manage to read is when I go on vacation. I still buy books though, bestsellers, by the dozen but so far I haven’t been able to read one page. Reason being, I stare at two screens for over 12 hours daily. At the end of the work day, my eyes feel like popping out. Then I go back to my room, and again stare at the skype screen while chatting with HUBBY. So really, no eye power is left for reading. A great pity I know.

But for about 2 months now, I became hooked on something else. And apparently, I found out its not just me, but the majority of Iraqis too. There is this soap opera. A Turkish soap opera called Noor named after one of the characters. Well her name in Turkish is actually Gumus (Silver) but I guess they translated it to Noor (Light). It is the most captivating story I have ever seen. Forget Bold and the Beautiful or Days of our Lives. Nah, these are far too unrealistic with over orangey Californian tans.

Noor is a story that every Middle Eastern family can relate to. It tells a story about family values, marriage, love, respect, betrayal, motherhood and everything else. It was about 2 months ago when I was flipping channels to see whats on, that I found it. At first I wasn’t interested, as I don’t really like watching something that’s being translated using other peoples voices rather than the actual casts’. But somehow, the storyline and the characters just caught my attention.

It is so real and easy to relate to because it touches on every aspect of life. I didn’t think anyone here watched it. One day, as I came to work pretty late by my own standards, a coworker of mine asked if I was ok. I said well I over slept cuz I was watching Noor late last night. She laughed and said, oh nooooo, not you as well. Do you watch it? I asked. Yes, the whole family watches it, she said. When its time for Noor everyone just gathers around the TV and watches anxiously as the events unfold. Neurotica, its taken over all Iraqis. Everyone is just hooked.

Wow, who woulda thought. But I don’t blame them. Even H tells me that his uncle comes up with conspiracy theories and analysis during the show. Its just enlightening to know that with all that’s happening here, and the semi non existent electricity, people don’t mind using up their generator power just for Noor. Iraqis have found something that can take their minds away from their daily struggle. It just is amazing. Instead of who got kidnapped and where did the mortar fall, people are now calling each other asking about the events in Noor. I wonder if insurgents watch it too? That would be interesting. Lol

And its because of Noor and the captivating views of Istanbul, that I convinced HUBBY on going to Turkey this upcoming R&R. I myself have already been there twice, but HUBBY has never seen it, and Im sure he would love it. First stop is Istanbul, maybe I should ask a tour operator if they can take us and visit that beautiful, breathtaking family house on the Bosphorus. Next stop is Bodrum on the Aegean Sea. And hopefully my brother and his wife will be able to join us as well. I just can’t wait to leave.

Kudos to the writer of the Noor series. He truly was able to give many Iraqis a slight shining Light, Noor. The Entrancing Noor…

The Backward Sectarian Ignorant Iraqi Family...

2008-07-05T06:57:00.000+03:00

Remember my post about H and Rose? The Shia guy who is madly in love with the Sunni Rose whose parents wouldn’t allow the marriage? Well, Its been an ongoing saga ever since. We planned, plotted, analyzed and theorized. H just couldn’t understand how a professor (Rose’s father) would be so close minded. He would go into deep bouts of depression because to him Rose is the epitome of perfection. To him Rose means the world.

As for me, I would get extremely agitated when H would relay the stories Rose’s parents would tell her. Things like, he is a Shia, we do not want to taint our family name. TAINT!!! What the hell are they talking about??? Or, He is a Shia, our stature in society doesn’t allow us to have mixed blood. Huh??? Mixed blood??? WTH!!! He is not from Timbuktu!!! He is Iraqi for gods sake!!! When he’d tell me these things I would just go into a fury. First off, you don’t judge a person by the sect they have. Its something we are born with. We didn’t get asked while laying there in the crib with our saliva going down, “Hey you little cute thing, what do you wanna be? A sunni or a Shia?” Come on…

At times, after having my blood boil, I would just say to him “You know what H, just forget about it. Cuz even if you do end up marrying her, you will have to deal with her family’s nonsense” A girl will always be close to her family even if she gets married. You will be getting the full package. Just like buying a pair of undies. You go in the shop and they don’t sell singles, just pairs in packs. You are only interested in the black and beige, but the packs have either black and white, or beige and white. So you’re forced to buy the 2 packs!! Bad analogy I know, but it happens to me all the time with the undies!!!

I know H is madly in love, but at the end of the day, Life is not like a Mills and Boons novel. Reality of it, Love does NOT conquer all. With experience we tend to learn that the hard way. Yes Love is there, don’t get me wrong, but at the same time, you need to also have respect. Respect, understanding and mutual beliefs. Without respect, then the marriage is a failure. And if her family doesn’t accept nor respect H just because he is a Shia, then that’s just a sure formula for failure. It’s simple shallowness blinded by backward thinking.

H’s point of view on the other hand is “I will try everything I can, and if it doesn’t work out, then I wont feel guilty”. Yeah we all say the same. H is 23, in my opinion that’s a very young age to get married. He still has a long way to go. Even though he is pretty mature for that age span, in comparison to many guys his age, I still think he needs to go out there and have more experiences, before settling down. But H is adamant. I want only Rose he keeps telling me.

The big day arrived, and the father had to make a trip from Amman to here. Yeah they are settled in Amman now. H picked all the courage he had, and gave him a call. They agreed on the time and date which by itself is a miracle since the Dr kept telling Rose that there is no way in hell he would meet with H. Going to that guy’s house, believe me, isn’t that easy. Don’t forget, Baghdad is still dangerous. It remains a death trap. There are still places that are dominated by militias, or sunni extremists. H had to test the waters before he actually made the visit. Call it a test run if you will. The Dr lives in a strictly Sunni neighbourhood. Not so carefree for H. But H didn’t care.

The test run succeeded without any difficulties. And the most anticipated day arrived. Funny, although I was in my room, Id keep looking at my watch wondering whats going on right now. I was very worried for H. He is a good kid, and I did not want him to be harmed in any way. I called him in the afternoon to ask about the meeting.

“Neurotica, the man started talking politics. Started talking to me about Kirkuk and the situation worsening there because its mixed. He kept saying “ibnee” (my son), we have traditions to keep. In our tribe, we only marry our daughters to people from us. Don’t forget, Im a father, and I need to protect Rose. I cant accept you working with the Americans”

H answered “But Dr, what does Kirkuk have anything to do with me asking you to bless our engagement? Dr you have to understand, I don’t agree with whats going on right now here, Im not an advocate of the government nor the conflict. Im just an Iraqi who wants his country to live in peace, be it governed by Shia’s, Sunni’s, Kurds or Turkmen. And yes, I am working with the Americans, and there is a chance that Id be getting the Visa, if god wills, and we wouldn’t have to live here.”

Once the Visa issue was brought up, the Dr apparently, shifted his views and said, well then, lets see how it goes. I will not make promises, but we will leave it to time. Time and the country’s situation. Aaaaah, so its ok if his daughter goes and lives in the States, but its not ok if H is working with the Americans. Unfortunately, this twisted mentality is not only the Dr’s but it runs with the majority of Iraqis. We are a nation of confused and contradictory people. Sad but very very true.

For now though, H has hope. I saw him today, and he is elated. Elated yet still afraid. Afraid because the Dr conditioned him; Iraq Situation good = H and Rose together. The Dr is asking the impossible. But lets all pray that it would work out, not for the Dr, I can care less for such ignorant people, but for H. Although I still am standing by my opinion. You marry Rose, and you marry her family. The Backward Sectarian Ignorant Iraqi Family…

Footnote: Ughhhh that idiotic evil Col, just passed by, he is talking to the CAPT, and guess what, he wants to friggin BAN smoking from ALL premises even the outside!!! That’s what I can make from their conversation. Next he will keep a tab on how many times we go to the bloody bathroom!!! He is doing this just to get me. I knew that he wont let the incident go. Some people may think it’s a good thing, if he has good intentions, then fine, but he DOES NOT. I think he still thinks he is in a military environment and wants his ORDERS to be followed. What an assole. He is here to supposedly help in “rebuilding” Iraq and not to give us damn orders! He is making it into a direct vendetta against me. Ughhh…Pity he represents the military, the bad face of the military

My Neurotic Iraqi Pride...

2008-07-02T08:36:00.002+03:00

One thing that we “eyerakis” sure do have a lot of is our pride. Touch my pride and you will get my tongue’s wrath. Say anything about me or any member of my family and you’re gone down in my black book. I tell you, that book is definitely running out of pages. Sometimes I wonder, on what darn basis do Col’s become Col’s and Captains become Captains!!! Ughhhhh…Shouldn’t they even consider the stature they are in, or the country theyre representing? Damn!

From the “nice” all smiley girl that I was three years ago, I learnt a few lessons by being here and working with some idiotic “samples” of people. I learnt that I should no longer shut my mouth. Nope I wont. The day started real bad with the slight sandstorm forming into thick dusty unbreathable air. Which to me, meant HUBBY wont be flying in today. Yeah, HUBBY was scheduled to visit me. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, and I will write about it in another post.

Then this other thing happened. This guy sends me a tasker about 12 days ago. Didn’t really emphasize the word “important”. Just said, I need this to be done in the last week of June. Come last week of June, and I was overwhelmed with other things that Me, myself and I, prioritized as “important”.

Yesterday, 1st of July, I was sent a reminder that the report is due. I hit my forehead with my hand, wow, it completely slipped my mind. Yeah my bad. I don’t usually keep things last minute. So I scrammed and started working on it as fast as I can. My sector’s deputy then ushers me to his desk and tells me to look at the email he received.

I read the words, and I felt a vein popping on my forehead and my anger level shot up. I couldn’t believe the nerve of that Col in sending out such a nasty email about me. He doesn’t know me, so he cant judge me. His email was something along these lines “She has been dragging her feet too long with this, and if it takes her to stay all night long to work it then be it” That’s when MY PRIDE kicked in. How dare he write something like this. How DARE he impose on me working “all night”. Who does he think he is? Yes, granted, I forgot about it completely, but DON’T judge me when I falter just once.

The deputy watched as my frown deepened and said, its ok Neurotica, don’t worry I will reply to him. I just walked off, grabbed my pack of cigarettes, and went outside not even caring that the dust storm has turned into something out of the twilight zone. I was really upset. I sat there, yeah, same spot where the ants had their tsunami, and started thinking about my response to that Col. I never spoke to the man before, he arrived here about a month ago, and I don’t want to deal with such specimen of the military.

I went inside all fuelled up, and there he was, staring out the window at the yellow sandstorm. I said “Umm, excuse me Col, I don’t drag my feet when I work, but yes I do drag them when I walk” And I started making my shuffling sound with my shoes. He looked at me in a disgusted look and replied

“Im sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about?”

I couldn’t believe the fact he was denying his email. The nerve of him. I repeated the words above and then told him that if the so called tasker was so important, why didn’t they say so. I also asked him to talk to the people I deal with in his group and ask THEM if I ever was late in preparing anything for them. The words that started coming from his mouth were inaudible to me. I just saw his lips move, but couldn’t hear a thing. Cuz honestly, I didn’t give a damn shit.

I left, but felt that I didn’t vent enough, so I retreated back even though another part of my brain is telling me not to, but the pride, aaaaah the pride wouldn’t quit. I went back to him and said, Col, he had that sarcastic smile on his smug face, I continued “I don’t appreciate people not appreciating my hard work.” And I walked off.

Then I went to one of the bosses and told him, “You know what, I think Im gonna get fired real soon” I relayed the incident to him, and fortunately enough he told me some interesting stories about the Col in question. It was no surprise.

Yup, working here has become a struggle. Every morning I wake up, and walk to work, thinking only of the day ahead of me, and believe it or not, I do come into work smiling, but then I get slapped ten times by unwanted remarks be it personal or professional. Its not enough that JCL is spreading lies and making us all look bad. Its not enough that Captains are believing the lies. Its not enough that Colonels are making shit up thinking its cool to be rude. Ughhhh…

Then comes MY PRIDE. I realized the older I get, the more it fights back. Whatever little “diplomacy” I used have has now been beaten 100 to nil in the fighting ring by my Pride. My Neurotic Iraqi Pride…

Suicidal Iraqi Cockroaches...

2008-06-29T20:04:00.001+03:00

This is a silly post, but I still wanna publish it. There’s this place I go to when I don’t want to have any of my “smart” conversations while smoking. At times, I just wanna get away from it all, and just sit and contemplate ALONE, without any distractions or people coming to me complaining about JCL or annoying the hell outta me. I just want some space. And believe me, in this place, I doubt the word “space” is on anyone’s dictionary.

Today, I grabbed my papers and pen, (latest trick of pretending to work : ) and Mike B, don’t you dare tell anyone my trick!!!) and disappeared to my secret place. I sat there puffing away, staring at the grey walls, then all of a sudden, I saw some movement with the corner of my eyes. I looked down and it’s a long thick trail of ants going in one direction. I dunno why, ever since I came here, I have this fascination with watching ants. I can sit there for hours just staring at them. Yeah very sad, I know. I started blowing smoke on them so in their world it would seem like a smoky sandstorm, hehe.

About 2 minutes later, a huge black cockroach appeared from the crack on the wall. It started moving towards the ants, I got all excited and focused all my attention on the confrontation that was gonna take place. It felt like watching the “Ants Gladiator” movie. I lit up another cigarette waiting in anticipation for the action to kick off. Should have brought some popcorn with me, I thought to myself. But all of a sudden and out of the blue the monster cockroach stopped midway, turned upside down, and

DIED!!!

What the hell!!! I think the 49C (120F) Baghdadi heat made it commit suicide. The full action Gladiator movie turned into a melodrama at first, with the death of the cockroach. With all excitement deflated, I decided to get back to work. As I got up, the ants started moving towards the suicidal cockroach. They gathered around it in a group and began the mission of carrying it. I was truly amazed at how precise and perfect their moves are. And no matter how many times they falter, they never give up, they keep going on. I just love that.

One of the maintenance guys came along stood next to me and started complaining about the heat.

“This feels like an oven. I feel like a chicken being grilled on the roaster” he said, while removing the cap of his iced water bottle then emptying almost all of it on his head. I stood there smiling and as I was telling him how cold it is inside, and how much I love the heat, midway through my sentence, everything turned to slow motion, and I watched in horror , him emptying the rest of the water on

MYYYYYYYYYYYYY ANTSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Noooooooooooooooo, I screamed at him. He jumped. “Whats wrong? What happened?”

You just drowned my ants!

I just what? He asked doubting the words he heard in his ears

Il namil, kitalit il namil. Gharragit hum bil may!!!! (The ants! You killed the ants! you drowned them with your water)
He stared at me with a look that I cant describe, looked down at where the ants were, shook his head and walked away murmuring some words under his breath…Lol. Thank god he knows me well enough not to think I have gone crazy. Or have I?

The Ants had a tsunami and died a horrific death. My perfect ant watching turned into an Indian horror movie (filim hindi). Yeah, what a smoke break. That’s the kinda excitement I have here in this twalled community. Not sure where the so called Emerald City is, cuz it sure aint here. We get all excited by ants, cameras, cookies, doughnuts and solar power panels. Oh and Cockroaches. Suicidal Iraqi Cockroaches…

My Shiny Iraqi Skyline

2008-06-26T21:35:00.006+03:00

This is something you will not hear about in the majority of the media. I certainly havent heard about it before yesterday's conversation. Yesterday, yes and as I was out smoking :) I asked S about the Electricity situation. To be honest, I stopped asking my coworkers about it a long time ago, for I knew what the usual answer will be. But for some odd reason, S and I were talking in general when somehow the conversation took a turn towards Electricity.

S smiled and said, situation is extremely good. I couldnt believe my ears. I said S, Im talking about Electricity (Kahraba2). Yes I know, we are having about 5-6 hours a day instead of the 0-1 hour a few weeks ago, he continued. (and yes, 5-6 hours is really a gift for Iraqis for they are not blessed like the rest of the world).I was stunned. How come S? I mean thats good news, but what changed? Cuz I know the demand has increased incredibly in the last 2 or 3 years. And I also know that the supply of MW, will never reach 100%. Maximum it can reach is somewhere between 45-47%. So for S to tell me theyre getting it, something must have changed.

S said yes, theyre using solar energy now. Solar energy??? You are kidding right? I looked at S waiting for him to tell me he is pulling my leg.

No Neurotica Im serious. You see, they now installed the solar panels for many of the street lighting, inorder to take some of the load there so the homes can have electricity. They have done it in my neighbourhood. And a few others.

I really didnt believe S, so I searched the net and found this Arabic article today . OMG. S wasnt lying. S was saying the truth. Funny enough, that light, that lost light of hope which I thought I will never ever see again, kinda shimmered at me from far far away.

Can it be? Can it be that one day, no one will ever ask the Iraqis whether they have electricity or not because that will just sound like an absurd thing to ask? Can it be? Can it be that the day will come when the Iraqis will not have to scram to wash clothes, take baths, clean homes and wash dishes in that one hour only opportunity? Can it be that generators will be something of the past? Something of the forgotten era?

Oh wow, can it be? Can it be that when inhabitants of the moon will look down on us one day, they would say "Wow, look down, look at that beautiful lit up Iraq?" Just like we do when we see the beautiful moon lighting our skies? Can it be? Yeah my light of hope is shimmering, the light is shimmering ever so faintly, but its there. Its there lighting the skyline. My Skyline. My Shiny Iraqi Skyline...

The Ninety Minutes of Iraqi Peace...-Updated

2008-06-22T18:24:00.006+03:00

Funniest thing happened today. I was out smoking, and as usual, stirred some conversation up. Two Iraqis were out there, so I asked about their expectations for the much awaited football game against Qatar today. Before they answer my question, one of them said, I don’t want Iraq to win. I want Qatar! I almost choked on my cig.

“What do you mean???” I shouted. “You’re kidding right?”
“No, Im not kidding. I am very serious!” He said as a matter of factly
“But its Iraq! Its our country, how can you say that? Its the only thing that unites us” I was getting really agitated
“Let me tell you why Neurotica. Remember when we won the Asia Cup last July? Remember how everyone went crazy?” I nodded fervently, for ofcourse it was a moment I will never forget.
“Well that day in July, my neighbour went out of his house, into his garden to hear the celebrations and join in, out of the blue, a stray bullet from the celebratory fire hit him right on the spine. My neighbour is now paralyzed from the hip down and I honestly don’t want to be paralyzed, I don’t have long for my US visa. So Neurotica, that’s why, I don’t want Iraq to win, and I pray that Qatar takes it.”

I didn’t really know what to say or how to react. Except I said, well don’t go out. But still pray for Iraq to win. He smiled and as he was going back inside, he said No, Inshallah Qatar wins. And with that, he left me sitting there, really upset. Upset and disappointed. Im not asking him to go in the middle of the street where the people are shooting. All Im asking for, is for him to be happy, happy for his country. I guess not.

I guess, I think differently. And yes, maybe if I had a next door neighbour who fell victim to a stray bullet, then Id react the same way. The GZ gets hammered with those anyways, and we always get a warning if the game was over and Iraq won. So Im used to it.

Anyhow, Im not gonna be like A. Stray Bullets or not, Im gonna say, Inshallah Iraq wins! Lions of Babylon will win, they will win and unite ALL Iraqis even if its for a short period of time. In less than half an hour, it will be the most peaceful hour and a half in all of Iraq. The Ninety Minutes of Iraqi Peace

Updated: And so at 8:56PM, the game was over, and there was no celebratory Fire! A got his wish and Qatar won :(

The Amazing Pleasure-Release Hole...

2008-06-18T07:26:00.004+03:00

We had to attend an Ethics lecture the other day due to the many complaints the organization was receiving because of certain individuals. To be honest, although I wasn’t looking forward to sitting there and listening to stuff I already know, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I thought it was a good eye opener to people who are new and who think they are here for something other than work.

Funny enough, you’d think that JCL would get the point, but what do you know, the minute we were done, she once again was talking to the GB telling him about the class!!! I just rest my case, people have already complained to upper management, and if THEY don’t wanna do anything about it then that’s their problem. I honestly do not care anymore, nor have the energy to get worked up about it.

When you work in an environment similar to ours, you tend to become an expert in phasing out many things, and just take a stance back. Besides I heard my Boss will be coming for a visit soon, and that by itself relaxes me. I like him a lot because he is as straightforward as can be, and accepts no Bullshit from anyone!!!

In the past few weeks, Ive noticed many strange things and I need to ask the question; when does sexual harassment, really become harassment? Take yesterday for instance, I was out smoking, this new government person who has only been here a few days, was out there smoking too. I was wearing a Betty Boo t-shirt which I bought in NY last year. He looked at me and said;

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah Betty Boo, looks just like the person wearing it”
I gave him my fake smile and said umm, don’t think so, trying to be cordial if you know what I mean, but he continued,
“Well I guess not the face, but neck down”
WTF!!!I was stunned at his words. My stomach churned with disgust, it was way too early in the morning for me. This time the fake smile was substituted by my angry frowned face, and I replied
“You may need another set of glasses with the right prescription this time. I better go back inside”
When I was relaying this story to a coworker, he suggested I introduce the weirdo to JCL. That just cracked me up…

But nevertheless, I was so pissed off and disgusted!!! How can a simple t-shirt seem so provocative? And Im definitely not going to blame myself, cause anyone who knows me, knows the kinda attitude I have around here. So do we call those remarks sexual harassment? Yesssssssssssss. And if he does it one more time, I will give him a warning and a copy of the ethics training slides.

God, I wish I was a man with a weeny. Im serious, no one will dare say such profanities then unless they have a different sexual orientation. Sometimes one would think receiving such comments is ok or flattering. But NO. NOT OK with me. And Ive mentioned before, I barely talk to anyone, and if I do, then its with people I know are harmless. I don’t mind jokes from friends, but from people I barely know, now that’s not acceptable.

The other day, I ran out of cigarettes, there’s a small shop across the road where I get my smokes from. As I was crossing the road, I saw a few American tanks on the sidewalk. I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to be near them, cuz I knew what was coming. But I was in desperate need for my nicotine. As I crossed, I heard the whistles and the laughter. I just blocked them out and brisk walked to the shop.

After buying my stuff, and as I was leaving, I saw the tanks again. All I could think of was “Shit, here we go again” And what do you know, the whistles and woohooo’s started. Ok, in normal circumstances, normal places, I woulda either screamed at them or slapped their faces, but I couldn’t do neither here. I felt my heart racing and my anger reaching top level. I did something I despise doing, I spat on the floor. Well not literally, but it’s a sort of an Iraqi way of disrespect when you stare right at the person and say “tfooo 3alaikum oo 3ala illee khalafokum”. Wont even try to translate that. Although they probably didn’t understand a word I was saying, the gesture by itself was enough. But that didn’t stop them, I heard them say “oooooooooooooh, miss angry” UGHHHHHH

I was just flabbergasted!!! And no these things don’t only happen with Americans, it also happens by Iraqis. Infact it happens everywhere to everyone. But my question still remains, when is it really a sexual harassment? When JCL prances in and throws herself at men, is SHE “sexually harassing” them? What if they are consenting to it? What if both are mature adults and know exactly what theyre doing. Is that harassment?

About a year ago, I read an article (tried locating it but couldn’t find it) describing the main reasons behind the terrorists horrid actions. It blamed it all on sexual frustration. So I found the perfect cure for ALL the “frustrated” men (from all nationalities) that need to release some of that tension.

Instead of building bases all over the country, ie FOB’s or Terrorist training grounds, they should invest in a large room more like a humongous warehouse. It will be similar to a luxurious bathroom with all the fixtures and fittings merged with a post office. Each PO box, will have the person’s name (for hygienic reasons), they open it up, and its like a urinal, a urinal with a built in replica of a “woman’s organ” plus maybe bose speakers that will mimic the woman’s moans to give it that all natural real effect. And there, they can do their business, and release ALL their tension without being abusive.

Yeah, I think I will patent the idea and call it the Amazing hole. The Amazing Pleasure-Release Hole…

PS: The video I posted previously, a marine throwing a puppy, I read the marine got reprimanded. I think the pleasure hole will solve many of his psychotic issues...

Iraqi Boots on The Ground...

2008-06-15T07:16:00.003+03:00

Conspiracy theories and what people really think. When things got out of hand with the looting everyone blamed the Americans. And rightly so. It happened right under their noses and all they did was stand there and watch, and in some cases encourage the looters. When things got real bad and the Askari shrines got bombed in Feb 2006, everyone blamed the Americans, and I disagreed. When things started going from bad to worse with the security situation, again it was the Americans that were blamed. I kinda disagree there. Truth to be told, they tried by increasing the number of troops. And surprisingly everyone saw the effects albeit slowly. Yes the killings, bombings didn’t stop, but they were at very low levels.

But when Maliki goes to Iran and makes secret wheeling and dealing, and people still say it’s the American doing, now THAT is just WRONG!!! I hate conspiracy theories. The points of conflict between Maliki and the US over the bases, is ridiculous. The only reason Maliki is being difficult over the negotiations is NOT because of his undying love to his country nor his people. I mean they might as well call all “Eyerakis” “Eyeranians”, cuz that’s what we are apparently, by default.

Only reason Maliki is saying NO is because he knows that these bases will one day be used against his beloved “Land of the Mullahs”. That’s the ONLY reason. Apart from that, he wouldn’t even have batted an eyelid. But no, he cant upset Khamenei, can he now? He uses the excuse “US are compromising Iraq’s sovereignty”. Umm, come again??? Im sorry but what Sovereignty is this, if you are allowing your great Bosses in Mullah Land dictate to you what should and shouldn’t be done??? And who should and shouldn’t be here???

The Mullah land across the border is financing, training and encouraging the mass Iraqi Killings!!! They, together with the Land of the Short Dishdashes (aka Wahhabies) are the main culprits for all the blood running through this Mesopotamian Land!!! They are the ones blowing people up. They are the ones using animals, babies, women, young men and handicapped people to blow themselves up and kill hundreds of innocent Iraqis!!!

Why doesn’t Maliki bash the Mullahs for their murderous acts???? The Basrah offensive, the Mosul offensive, all this was a game??? A deal??? . Hand me a bucket so I can throw up. Just to know the livelihood of 24 million Iraqis are in this guy’s hands is sickening!!!

And don’t you dare tell me he is trying!!! He is trying Jack!!! So you know what, I have made my mind up. Although Im against the US troops withdrawing so fast because of the blood baths that will follow, BUT, after listening to that guy, after watching Maliki bowing to the Land of the Mullahs, I believe Obama should win and withdraw every single boot on the ground. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Then lets see what Maliki is capabale of...

Yes, we deserve whats happening to us. We deserve everything. Majority voted for this Govt, and we have to suffer. I hope that everyone learnt his/her lesson. I definitely learnt mine alright. I choose not to vote in the next elections. Yup, I will just Veto it. Whats the point??? The Mullahs will still win!!! So why bother.

I spoke to an Iraqi who lives in Baghdad il Jideeda. I asked about the security situation, he said let me give you an example; Last year this time, when I used to leave work at about 5ish, the streets were empty but instead filled with fake checkpoints manned by Mahdi Militias. I would always say the Shahada cause I never knew if Id come out alive. Then the militias were replaced with the Iraqi Police, and theyre more sadistic. They wouldn’t let you go if they don’t like the way you look. They were corrupt and will only release you if you pay them money.
Come today, and when I leave, the checkpoints are replaced with the Iraqi Army. They are very nice, and their loyalty, their loyalty does not lie within any faction. Their loyalty lies with the Army and their country. He continued, Neurotica, the streets are so filled with people sitting in gahwas, and enjoying themselves. Places are still open till late. Last year, we would hear a needle drop.

Then I asked him what if the US leave now? He said, let them leave. Yes there will be a blood bath, but in all cases, for things to become better, a blood bath is inevitable. He said Im not with the troops leaving, but, if that’s the only solution, then let it be. Our Army are better equipped and trained. They are ready to defend us.

I was shocked at this news. I never knew that the army was ready (I still have my doubts). But this is coming from a guy who lives and breathes the real Baghdad. So I will believe him. He also mentioned that there are special units and special forces specifically trained for taking out the Militias and Al Qaeda components. Neurotica, we are ready. Ready to fight for our country.

So for all of you out there, no matter how bad things will be if the US troops leave, they gotta leave. Everyone wants Iraqis. Iraqi Boots on The Ground…

The Damned Iraqi Victim

2008-06-09T22:09:00.002+03:00

I received a youtube link from a very close acquaintance of mine. There was no title or subject line. You tube is blocked from our work and I was very eager to know whats the video about. So I sent the link to one of the IT guys and asked him if he can download it and send it to me. It took him a while. So I went to find out whats going on. I entered their office, and all the guys’ faces were pale white. They looked at me and one of them said “Who the hell sent you this?”

D hates the fact Im here, let alone working with the Americans. When she first found out about me coming here three years ago, she tried to talk me out of it. “How could you?” She kept asking me. “How could you work with the enemy?” She knew of my situation with HUBBY and she infact experienced my stressful times first hand when Id lose all sanity if I know of some GZ bombings and cant communicate with him. She was there, and knew how much I suffered.

In the end, she kinda respected my decision, and made it clear that we agree to disagree. D was born here, lived almost half of her life here before she was forced to leave by her parents at the age of 27. D during that time was living with relatives in Baghdad, while her family had left Iraq in the late 70’s early 80’s.

D never believed in the Baath party, but she strongly believed in its leader and his Arab Nationalism. Yes she not only believed or was infatuated by him, but she was in love with Saddam. To this day, D, talks about him with all pride. Till this day D thinks he is a hero. She fears no one, nor does she shy away from her rigid opinions. Till this day, D mourns whom she claims the true love of her life. D was never a Baathist, and I can vouch for that. They asked her to join but she always found a way out. She came face to face with Saddam on 2 occasions, I think, during some festivities or something of that sort.

Im not gonna go through the details of what she had to go through inorder to meet the man, but wow, I tell you, she along with her organization had to go through some extreme search and sanitary process for them to be allowed to shake the man’s hands. Anyhow, during the war, and while I was still living in London, D would call me up in tears. She found her only solace in me. Yes in me, cuz even though I hated the guy, I still loved my country. And seeing it go in flames was not something I ever wanted.

D and I would talk for hours. All I did was just be there to listen to her. And umm at times, I would actually add fuel to the fire and make her even more depressed. That’s when I started getting phonecalls from relatives asking me to stop because D has literally lost it.

When Saddam was found in that hole in Dec 04, D went into denial. When Saddam faced his destiny, D fell ill and pressed the pause button on her life. She neglected her children, her house, her business, and most of all she neglected herself. I saw her a few weeks after that incident. She was shrouded in black. Her beautiful face looked sullen, her eyes hollow. “He is gone Neurotica, he is gone forever”. “Those dogs, look at those dogs and what they did to him. I don’t want to be Iraqi no more. I don’t want to be Shia no more. We are all Hypocrites”.

In the past, I tried explaining to her why I and many people view Saddam as evil. How he tortured people, how he eradicated hundreds of thousands of his own nation. But D never saw it this way. D always had excuses. When I ask her about the uprising in 91, and how innocent people got killed, her answer was always “But they wanted to overthrow him!!! Any sane leader would do the same!”. When I asked her about the deadly bloody Halabcha, she would say “But that wasn’t him that was Iran.” When Id count to her names of people that disappeared and were never found, she would say “They were (mutamarideen) trouble makers and against the regime” When I said ok, what about the girls that were raped by his sons, what about the children that got orphaned, D would say “ You cannot hold him accountable for what his sons did”

For every question D had an answer. And what was worse, she truly believed in those answers. It got me thinking, here is a woman, who grew up in Baghdad in the most sensitive era of all. Here is a woman who fell in love with a leader that pretended was all for “Arab Unity” and managed to brainwash and convince D and millions of others. Almost many of D’s generation who are now in their mid forties, share her same ideology. She showed me pictures of her room back in the 70’s and 80’s with Saddam’s photos plastered all over. D said it was a constant fight with her parents to be vocal about her feelings. Till this day, her family disapproves of her behavior, her outbursts, her eternal love for that man. To her, Iraq equaled Saddam. And now, Iraq does not exist.

A few months into the war and she told me "Neurotica, mind my words, one day, one day you will know I was right about Saddam, and one day, all those who hated him, will wish he was back. Mark my words". I guess I can understand where she is coming from, but I can never and will never agree. Yesterday, she sent me the following link and it literally killed me, pissed me off, disgusted me and for just one second, one second only, I remembered her words.

Even though I hated what I saw, and I know theres worse, But I decided to share with her what I know and show her this and ask her, whole heartedly, in all these atrocities, who was, is and will always be the Victim? The Damned Iraqi Victim…

Saddam's Regime Atrocities
WARNING, CONTAINS GRAPHICAL GRUESOME IMAGES

And this WARNING, CONTAINS GRAPHICAL GRUESOME IMAGES

Ninety Five Minutes of Unity...

2008-06-07T21:07:00.003+03:00

And yet again the Lions of Babylon make us proud!!! I watched the game anxiously against Australia, and the goal we scored at the 28th minute was great!!! After the 90th minute the Japanese referee added another extra 5 minutes. To me it seemed like hours instead of minutes. As the game finished with an Iraqi victory, there was continious gun shots in the air (I can still hear them). Its been ongoing for atleast the past 10 minutes. And funny enough, we became under uniform posture 3!!!from fear of any injuries.

Lions of Babylon You make us proud!!!You lift our spirits even if its only for 95 minutes. Ninety Five Minutes of Unity!!!

Stranger Than Fiction...

2008-06-07T17:15:00.005+03:00

Half full? Or Half empty? What do you say? Well, I guess Im gonna go have full even though the other half will be filled with bits and pieces of the sand storm we are having today. Last night I had another conversation with HUBBY regarding the future. We have finally set a date. YESSSSSSSSSS…I feel like a bride to be planning for the big day, wooooohoooo. Yeah Im very upbeat. Thank God for that. I guess I just needed some assurance from him that he will stick to the decision we took no matter what. And I fully trust him. I just hope he keeps his end of the promise and not disappoint me.

I also realized my lack of motivation to working here is partly due to me regarding my work here as trivial. As I mentioned time and time again, Im not really building or planning or managing a project. Contrary to what HUBBY is doing, hence his job is by far more meaningful. And whats more important is at the end of all this, he can actually be proud and say “I did something for my Iraqi people.” And he really is doing something. Im not saying that because he is my husband, oh no. Im saying it because that’s the truth. It is unfortunate that I cannot reveal his job, but all will be known after we leave here.

Another major factor which drained my glass from all of its pure contents, is miss Johnny come lately (JCL). THAT WOMAN IS EVIL!!! I feel her bad vibes all over me. She actually scares me with her stares. And oh does this woman STARE!!! In Iraq, and I think in almost all the Middle East we believe in the Evil eye of envy (not sure if people in the West have the same beliefs). Its written in our Quran. There are also incidents where a person can envy someone so much to the extent that that someone can either fall ill, or something bad happens to him/her. And inorder to cast away that evil we believe we can achieve that by reciting some specific Quranic verses and by also wearing an eye, or a blue turquoise stone. As silly as it sounds, I have an arm full of eye bracelets, plus a choker that I wear all the time around my neck that displays the eye. And yes, I believe in such things because its happened to me and my family.

But this Miss JCL, is EVILLLLLLLLLLLLL. I wasn’t going to mention her, since there are people at work who read my blog, which restrains me from writing about many things. Ughhh, I wish I have never mentioned it to anyone. But hey, I cant do much about it can I now? Anyhow, Miss JCL found the perfect way to get to someone high up. Me and a few people who sit in the area felt the “lovey dovey” aura they have for each other. And it actually gets disgusting at times.

I was told from her previous coworkers that she uses these ways to get to her target. And the guy is so weak, he fell right into her web. OMG, Im typing this and Im laughing at his stooopid naivety. Or maybe he just aint naïve and he is going for the ride since its free…If upper management finds out about the shenanigans that’s happening, WOW, it will be something. And that’s one thing that kinda upsets me. You are representing the US govt, you are held accountable for all your actions. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE??? And on top of all that, HE IS BLOODY MARRIED!!! UGHHH…

As for her, she is a disgrace to the Iraqi female population!!! Yes granted people have affairs etc, which Im totally against, but to use your body to get higher up in the organization and to spill shit about people, that’s a big no no, missy!!!

Miss JCL found the perfect candidate to poison. And unfortunately after me being here 3 years, it took miss Johnny come lately less than 2 weeks to talk badly about me because of her obvious jealousy. I don’t even understand why should she be jealous from ME???? I have nothing she doesn’t have!!! She bad mouths everyone to the man. Things that are supposed to be kept just between the contractors in our company and not for Govt knowledge, she goes and blabs her mouth to him. She IS A BITCH. An evil bitch!!! Why the hell did they employ her, I have no clue.

I was going to say something about it, even ask to be removed from that area because of all the disctractions, but then realized, that since I only have a few months remaining, Im gonna keep my mouth shut and enjoy the episodes instead. I definitely cant wait for this whole saga to come and bite them later. Rumour has it, they were caught by someone in the parking lot but not sure of how valid these rumours are, plus miss evil cunevil herself told someone at work about the nature of her relationship with the man in question!!! BIG MISTAKE, or is it???

I tell you, this world is Strange. Stranger than Fiction…

This Black Static Transit...

2008-06-05T18:02:00.001+03:00

Woke up this morning and was too afraid to look in the mirror. My face looked ashen and my eyes swollen. I had no energy what so ever. I wrapped an ice cold bottle of water with towel paper and put it against my eyes for 10 minutes. I opened my wardrobe and just stared at the stack of clothes I had. From the myriad of tops and jeans, I chose Black. Yes that’s what I feel like today. A woman in Black.

Wasn’t a surprise when almost everyone started asking “Whats with the black?” “Why Black Neurotica? Something happened? Are you mourning?” “Yeah, Im mourning my own death, my own slow death here”. Was my answer. A very morbid answer, I know. After yesterday’s mood, and after talking to HUBBY about it, we have decided that it’s TIME. A month or two at the max, Im still debating with him and the TIME may be even sooner than that. Im sure this decision will make many people at work extremely happy.

Yesterday’s “sane moment” came as a no surprise. Ever since I got back from my R&R I have been feeling real down. Im 33 and in 6 months I will be 34. I feel I am stuck in transit. In bloody static transit for the past four years. Im not after pity nor do I like to victimize myself or become far too “melodramatic” and fall into the same pit as many of my fellow Iraqi bloggers have gone into lately (no insults intended). (And If you’re reading this and you are from the male species then I advise you to stop right here because this will get gooey)

Yesterday’s outburst was triggered by something that scared the shit outta me. (Again, I have to reiterate, if you’re a man and still reading this, then please stop) My monthly cycle is on average very precise plus or minus a few days. Ever since it started (back in the good old days), I would suffer excruciating pain and would live on ibuprofen galore. Lately, I’ve been getting major migraine attacks along with it, and I mean major ones. It hits half of my face and travels down my spine. Migraine runs in our family, hence not a real concern, but what I really am scared of is the length of my cycle.

Going from one week of bleeding, to just 2 days scared me. (See, I warned you not to read this if you are male). Yes it is a blessing, but why is it happening? Why now? What does it mean? Am I starting to menopause at this age??? I know its possible. And that’s when my menopausal phobia started to kick in. I haven’t seen a gynecologist in years. The last time Ive been to one was probably just after I got married, but that was that. And to be honest, in all of my 33 years, Ive only been to one, three or four times max. Yup, that’s the truth. And have only done a pap smear once in my life and that was way back when I was 18. I know, I know, that’s not right, but as I mentioned I hate going to doctors unless its really a life or death situation.

Lately, the “starting a family” neon has been flashing in my head constantly. All I ever do, whether Im smoking outside, lying in bed, having a shower, or even sitting in a meeting is just think about children. And to think that Im on my way to menopause at this age freaks me out. Im probably over reacting.

There are some who can care less whether they have children or not. But for me, that’s not the case. I wanna have them. Time wasn’t right at first. But now, after wasting, yes wasting four years of my life, I think its high time to have HUBBY’s priorities as well as mine changed, actually CORRECTED.

HUBBY keeps mentioning he wants children, but he usually says it as a “hey, by the way”. I don’t feel it coming out as a sense of urgency from him. And that by itself was mentally tiring for me. We both should have the same list of priorities, atleast for now. So yesterday, after work, we spoke. And I spilled my guts out to him. I seriously feel that time is passing me by very quickly. Im mentally drained.

At times, HUBBY doesn’t take my concerns too seriously. He tries to calm me down at that specific moment and hope that the issues will disappear magically. But all he really does is YES calm me down and he is really good at it, but then all the issues get accumulated over time until I explode without any warning. And when I say explode, it can take many forms. May be anger, may be a mind block, may be a serious depression.

From my conversation with him yesterday though, I felt he genuinely meant it when he said that “starting a family” is a good enough reason to leave all this. Wow, it took him four years, four bloody years to finally agree with me. I still doubt he believed me when I told him Im scared that it may be too late. But I hope that whatever hormonal changes Im going through right now is just temporary.

Im raving and ranting, and I know Im being selfish. I know there are people who have far more worse problems than mine, hell Im surrounded by these people day in day out. But today, today I feel the need to spill my guts out cuz I am scared. I dunno I may have endometriosis, or ovarian cysts. Who knows. I may even have a blocked fallopian tube for all I know. Or maybe, HUBBY has something. I dunno. And having to worry about these things ALL the time, has drained me out. I don’t think Im asking for a lot and I don’t think Im greedy either. or Am I? Has the urge and need for “normalcy” become so difficult to attain these days? Wow if only I knew then what I know now.

So yes, Black is my mood today. And will be for a very very long time. Until that is I get out of this Transit. This Black Static Transit...

A Bloody Sane Moment

2008-06-04T14:49:00.002+03:00

A few months ago, I prepared my resignation letter and saved it in my drafts folder. Today, I came this close, THIS CLOSE to hit that send button and get all this shit over and done with and wave goodbye to this prison. This desolate prison!!! OMG, THIS CLOSE! Then I decided to go shoe shopping instead. Have I gone insane? Nah, I think it was a moment. A Bloody Sane Moment!!!

Things I hate About People at Work...

2008-06-03T18:55:00.003+03:00

Ten things I cant stand about the men and women, both the expats AND Military who work here, but I am forced to live with because there is no where else to go in this enclosed T-walled society;

I cant stand it when Men:

1- Scratch their umm nuts in public while having a conversation in the middle of the hallway. YUCK. The bathroom is just a few steps away!!!
2- Pick their noses or spit out their phlegm while making the most horrendous noises ever (kinda reminds me of the cabbies in Abu Dhabi), ewwwww
3- Clip their nails in the middle of the office!!! That noise annoys the hell outta me
4- Smell of extremely, and I mean extremely suffocating BO. Either GO Take a goddamned shower or use deodorant PLEASE!!!
5- Stare at women passing by, and CONTINUE fixating at them like dogs who haven’t had their MEAT in years!!!

I cant stand it when Women:

1- Take their make up bags out and start putting their powder, eyeliner, blusher, and lipstick in the middle of the office, not the bathroom mind you, but the office, when they could have easily done just that in their rooms before they walked over here!!!
2- Wear open toed shoes/sandals when obviously their feet haven’t seen a pedicure in a decade
3- Spray nauseating suffocating strong perfume (mostly vanilla) thinking that if it still lingers in the air after 10 hours, its sexy, while us mere mortals are coughing our lungs out
4- Wear the lowest rise pants and have their undies peeping
5- Flirt so overtly and start laughing obnoxiously at the lamest jokes ever just because theyre talking to a Col, a CAPT or even a General…

Yup, these are just SOME of the things that annoy me…I can go on and on and on but I prefer to keep it short. This is a small synopsis of the ten things I hate...Things I hate about the people at work...

Three Years Ago...

2008-05-31T22:03:00.001+03:00

Every morning while having my morning coffee in attempt to wake up, I go to a website which tells me what happened today in history. It kinda takes me away from the depressing present and for a few seconds I get to imagine myself somewhere else, like a 100 years ago or fifty years ago. Today as I was checking, turned out to be on 31 May 1859, Big Ben chimed for the first time. For just a few seconds, I imagined myself walking along the cobbled roads of London alongside the horse carriages, when the famous landmark made its first debut 149 years ago.

All of a sudden it hit me when I realized what today is. Today is 31 May right? Wowww, In Neurotica’s day in history, it was exactly three years ago, three years ago to the day that I stepped onto Iraqi earth after a long time of hiatus. Yup, it was only three years ago that I stepped off of that C130 onto BIAP. For me, it seems like a lifetime ago, yet, I can still remember every second, every minute, every tear and every smile on that day. I can still remember the excitement, the anxiety, the adrenalin rush. And then the extreme shock.

Although HUBBY tried to tell me many times prior to my arrival about the mass military presence in the area, I thought yeah probably one or 2 humvies here or there. But OMG, everywhere I looked I was surrounded by men in uniform. I never anticipated the image before me. It was a strange feeling. You can say mixed feelings with a slight tinge of contempt. Yes I knew my country was occupied. Yes I knew it wasn’t all hunky dory BUT I never thought it was gonna be like that. It took me a considerable amount of time till I finally got used to that camouflage colour.

It was three years ago, yet I can still remember how poor HUBBY was pulling my two huge suitcases together with my protective vest and helmet in the sweltering heat of Baghdad through the uneven stoney road. I can still see the droplets of sweat forming at the tip of his forehead, and his biceps twitching. Yet he never complained. He never uttered a word while I pranced casually infront of him trying to grasp everything around me just like a child in wonderland. Even when I was clicking away with my camera laughing at his dissheveled state, he laughed with me and enjoyed the moment through MY eyes.

Yet those same tears of laughter, turned into tears of sadness many times during these long three years. Oh yes, I can probably have my own Neurrotica’s salty lake if I wanted to. Wow. On 26 April 2004, HUBBY and I tied the knot. On 30 April, HUBBY was long gone to Baghdad leaving behind a very very UNHAPPY Wife. Funny thing is, I knew he was going to Baghdad, but whats even funnier, I had hoped (yeah stupid delusional me) that by him spending three days with me, he will forget ALL about his job offer….Im actually laughing big time right this second while writing this. I mean HOW RIDICULUS could I have been then…Damn my naivety.

And on 31 May 2005, I had those exact same hopes, lol…I guess I never learn do I? Three years later, I still have have a teeny weeny bit of hope remaining (Yeah I never give up that easily) that one day, one day very soon, I can join the “normal wife” statistic and be just that. A normal wife living a normal married life. Yeah it was three years today, and my, what three years. Met loads of people from all walks of life from all over the globe. And waved many painful goodbyes to people I sincerely liked and respected for the risks they took just to come to work everyday.

Yeah three years ago I stood infront of those same dull brownish concrete walls oblivious to what was waiting for me inside. All I heard then was the chirping of the birds. All I smelt then was the beautiful freshness of summer. All I saw then was the famous clear blue Baghdadi sky. Today, those same chirps turned into annoying helicopter noises hovering over me. Today, that same summer freshness is a suffocating wind of sand storms that chokes you out. Today, that same Baghdadi sky is filled with dark clouds. Dark tearless clouds. Yeah, that was years ago...Three years ago…

The Contagious C Fever...

2008-05-26T09:32:00.003+03:00

Well, its time to put you people out of your misery and let you into the latest craze that’s hit the males, young males, of my workplace. Unfortunately, its not as exciting as many of the guesses. Btw, thank you to all of your comments, some added a smile to my face. And there was a big hint which crosses porn OUT of the equation. I wrote “they search for it on the net” and in our workplace, anything to do with porn is blocked, so I do apologize for the disappointment. One or two people were pretty close though. The mania that’s on everyone’s mind is in fact a tool. A tool that can be used for facebook. Its none other than the CAMERA. Camera and its variety of lenses. Yup that’s what it is.

In “normal”, “civilized” places like the Kings Road in London, you have guys cruising in the latest models of cars or motorbikes in attempt to show off their wealth and taste in what they might think is the best of the best. Unfortunately in this Twalled environment, there is no place for cruising. As for the games and gadgets, these are confined to ones own room.

But Cameras, now that’s a completely different story. Although Iraqis are not allowed to bring in anything inside the workplace, no mobile phones, no memory sticks, no laptops etc, they are allowed to take out newly purchased cameras. In fact they can take out anything as long as there is a paper from an expat declaring that he/she has given the specific item to so and so.

Cameras have become the only tool to shed the frustrations that we go through around here. It’s a means of communications to the outside world. Although its prohibited to take photos of certain places inside the GZ, people still find a way to capture moments, precious moments. It has become such an addiction, that some try to take a picture of something as trivial as a grain of dust from all the sand storms we have been experiencing.

As for the Iraqis, they’re catching on. But their addiction isn’t into grains of dust or the eye of an insect (Yup there ARE people who actually do that). Instead they take photos to post them on their personal facebook to keep intouch with all the friends and family that have long gone or the ones they haven’t seen in a long time because of the violence. H, told me that the facebook has now become like a gahwa (coffeeshop) for all friends to meet up and post the latest happenings, photos and events in their lives. That’s the only way we can keep in touch and still stay alive, he says.

H, a shia, hasn’t seen his friend M, a sunni living in Adhamiyah, for over a year now. “I miss him, and I miss the good old days where we used to be able to meet up for an argeela (Hubbly Bubbly) and chat the hours away”. But now meeting up has become impossible, and only possible if we want to end up in pieces thrown away in some side street. Facebook has become our own gahwa. We post pictures of ourselves and share jokes. We can actually share sectarian jokes without having to look over our shoulders to see who is eavesdropping and end up snitching on us.

I like facebook, H says. We can atleast pick and choose who we keep intouch with. If there’s someone that asked me to add him and I don’t trust the guy, I just hit the ignore button. Its as easy as that, H smiles and gestures with his finger. I asked D, an expat, to purchase this camera for me from amazon. Its very expensive, but I like it. I used it when I went to my university re-union, H continues. Sometimes we even forget where we are and start acting stupid and clumsy infront of the camera.

We pretend we are in a normal place and start posing with our girl colleagues. Then I post it on my webpage. Do I look fat, he suddenly asks me. My girlfriend Reem who is in Amman now said I gained weight. Do I look fat Neurotica? H asked. I laughed so much, he caught me off guard. I noticed he was inhaling to keep his beer belly inside. I said, H, exhale, cmon exhale. And when he did, I laughed even harder. I guess that was my answer to him.

He looked disappointed, then said, Ok that’s it, Im gonna have to work out more. You will see, I will work out every day until I end up like Schwarzenegger. I just cringed and made a gag gesture. And on that note I will end this post. H and many many more Iraqis have caught the fever. The Contagious Camera Fever…

The Latest GZ Craze...

2008-05-22T18:17:00.001+03:00

You know how Ive been raving about doughnuts and cookies? Well theres another craze that has sweeped almost all the males at work, the young ones that is. Not only the expats but Iraqis are included too. Theyre catching on real fast which is great!!!

No, it aint the ipod. Noooooo nor the iphone. Nope it aint it the 3G gizmos or the Xbox either. It’s a craze that many are obsessing about. Every time I pass by their cubicles, theyre either talking about it or surfing the net for it. Have you guessed yet? Will give you a few days to figure it out…And I hope from the 250-350 visitors I get daily, I better receive some good guesses!!! Cmon, give me a Guess. Whats the latest Craze? The Latest GZ Craze...

Neurotica's Bens Cookies...

2008-05-21T17:49:00.003+03:00

Just the other day I was craving for something sweet. I rummaged through my drawers couldn’t find anything. Then I remembered. We had received an email about 10 days ago informing us of a doughnuts place (Dojo's)that opened up here in the GZ. I searched for the email and read the tiny menu they had. Yummm, doughnuts seemed like a great idea especially when you can have it delivered right to your door for an extra $5. Coincidently I had read an article on yahoo about the place which encouraged me even more. Well done to the owners!!! A great idea, especially here.

I called my coworker and asked him if he wanted to try them out as well. Answer was YES OFCOURSE. He called them, made an order of 2 dozen, a dozen is not 12 pieces but 13 and it costs $15 a box. Delivery time took about 20 mins from the time of the call, which isnt bad. A white van pulled up outside our compound and an American got out holding our boxes of doughnuts.

We literally scrammed back into the office so we can try them out. Verdict: they were absolutely scrumptious!!! Not as fresh as I would like them to be, I guess because we ordered them late afternoon. But hey beggars cant be choosers. Never the less, they were 100% better than the plasticy inedible stuff we have in our dfac.

So for yesterdays morning meeting, I suggested to order some of those doughnuts. Would be a nice compliment to go with our bland coffee and our boring meeting. This time they were even better and FRESH. I kinda am getting hooked and that’s NOT a good idea. What is the expression? A second on your lips, a lifetime on your hips? But one consolation, I haven’t been eating much lately so I guess I can do with the extra sugar for now. Besides, it’s a tiny reminder of home.

I don’t get hooked that easily on food because Im a very fussy eater, hence the underweight issue. But when I do, OMG. Id be willing to travel three hours by train just to get a particular thing. That happened to me in London. When I was much younger, my parents would send my sister and I to summer camp in Bath. There, I got introduced to the love of my life, the greatest Bens Cookies!!!Unfortunately they only had them in Bath which is three hours away from London. As the years passed, during which Id travel to London for short breaks, I would board the train and go to Bath, just to have those cookies. It was kinda like a secret pilgrimage I would do every year.

It was only a few years ago that Ben’s cookies got a stall in High Street Kensington tube station. The whole station usually smells of freshly baked soft cookies (if you ever visit London go there, have a cookie and remember me). Yummmm. So my three hour secret pilgrimage stopped, but the cookie devouring definitely didn’t. After having the doughnuts, I remembered the cookies and decided to google it. Lo and behold, they have their own website now!!! I shrieked with excitement. PLUS you can order online, BUT unfortunately they don’t ship to an APO address. My coworker though supplied me with an address he registered with in the States that can have these delivered to us. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY…

As trivial as it sounds but I really cant wait to bite into my triple chocolate Bens Cookie and have all the chocolate oozing down my chin…Yum Yum…Hmmm, maybe Ill start a business just like DoJo’s…What do you think? And probably call it Neurotica’s Bens Cookies…

The Hollow Green Dream...

2008-05-20T18:41:00.000+03:00

And so Imagine Tasha (African American) went to Russia and came back as Tatiana (bleached white). Yup that’s exactly what happened but it wasn’t an African American nor was it Russia, it was infact an Iraqi National (and no, no bleach involved), one of the many who went to the States via the special immigration visa program. She came back the other day, a green card holder, refusing to speak Iraqi (Her mother tongue, mind you) and changed her name into some Western name (refusing profusely for people to call her by the original name everyone knew her by). UGHHHHHHHHHHH. She not only refuses but gives them a mouth full if the old name slips from their mouth by accident.

I may have lived almost all my life outside this country, but Im always, ALWAYS proud to be an Iraqi. I display it in every way possible not caring what others might think. I didn’t go to the UK and came back as Shirley!!! God, I cant even imagine that…Nor did I go to the UK and left with amnesia regarding my language!!! OMG. I hate, no, no hate is a light word. I LOATHE, I LOATHE anyone who disassociates themselves from their origin. I loathe anyone who decides to push that delete button and copy and paste a new persona. What a shame!

F, used to work here for a while. I used to see her around and talk to her from time to time. Until one day, she came into work, asked to be transferred to Jordan because she was being threatened by some gang. Everyone who worked with her, knew she kinda bullshits a lot to get her own way, or so I was told by very close coworkers of hers. Her ex-management refused to transfer her to Amman, but in the end they succumbed to her wishes due to a certain coworker who was kinda besotted with F and he inturn threatened to quit if F didn’t have her way.

When I found out she was joining the group I knew trouble will be brewing. So far we don’t interact that much, thank god, although she sits next to me, I cant get myself to talk to her. I cringe every time Im forced to communicate especially when I ask her something in Iraqi and she replies to me in ENGLISH!!! Yes it’s a personal choice, I agree. BUT, and there’s a big BUT. You don’t come here prancing with a nose so high up in the air and pretend to be better than your co-workers just because you have a piece of paper that makes you eligible for a blue passport! Naaaaa, doesn’t work that way.

That piece of paper doesn’t make you better than your Iraqi peers. Nor does it give you the right to treat them in a disrespectful manner, knowing well enough that you too were once an Iraqi citizen just SIX bloody months ago!!!! Infact it should make you humble. Humble and REAL. I personally think its pathetic, but again from what her coworkers told me about her, she was always pretentious. Always wanted to be someone else.

I was shocked and disappointed the other day and very ready to gag, after being forced to listen to her conversation with one of the Iraqi IT guys. She was almost spitting into the phone while talking despicably to the poor guy. I quote in a mimicy way :) “Cant you see I am an expat now, I don’t need a supervisor to approve this application. Cant you understand!” She went on and on, and her tone of voice became far too degrading towards him that I had to really stop myself from getting off of my chair and slapping her face a couple of times to wake her up from the delusional life she is living in. I just got up and went for a cig break instead. Id rather have my lungs poisoned than my ears!!!

At first I was very angry. Angry, and disgusted. But now, all I feel is pity. The whole saga has actually become an inside joke with my Iraqi coworkers who find her attitude towards them pathetic. I ask them what names they will acquire once they go to the States. A few suggestions were Harold for Haider, Alex for Ali, Orlando for Omar, Rick for Rami, etc…Sorry F, oooops I mean N??? I really hope that you will wake up from your Green Dream…The Hollow Green Dream…

Trumpets of the Silenced Voices...

2008-05-18T11:45:00.003+03:00

If I didn’t see the photos in my own eyes and if I hadn’t spoken to my sister about it, I would have never ever believed the atrocious conditions the Iraqi refugees are living in, in Syria. Even animals are treated better. It boiled my blood to the point where my eyes watered as I continued clicking the mouse. An elderly man on a wheel chair, looking into his eyes, all you see is sadness. Sadness and despair. A child, a malnutritioned child staring right through the lense. Beautiful honey green eyes hopeless. Just hopeless. I would have asked to publish the images, but I don’t want to endanger anyone.

A group of three Iraqis living in the Emirates decided to help with Naseer Shamma’s campaign. It was a kinda of a continuation to his January one. They gathered money, appliances from fridges to fans to ovens and food vouchers for the refugees in Syria. The Syrian government is against any individual going there to help out. It has to be done through the UN or the Red Crescent. You cant just go and give cash out. It doesn’t work out this way. So when the three people went there, they had to do it through a high connection in the Syrian government. And the only reason the man helped out was because the appliances were bought from his company. Tells you a lot doesn’t it?

The donations that were gathered were only enough for 500 people. The three Iraqis tried for more. Until they managed to accumulate an amount that would be enough for 1500. They said they found great difficulty from people giving money. People weren’t ready to help. It took one Emarati Sheikha to donate the majority of the money. I spoke to one of those three that went on the mission and she described to me what they went through and how they were almost gonna get killed!!!

The mission had everything ready and organized. All the food vouchers had the names of those 1500 Iraqis. When they first entered the building, people started pushing and shoving. There were no lines, there was no discipline. The lady said that at the start, things were going ok. They managed to organize everything. Once those 1500 received their vouchers and day one was over, they immediately went out and started calling everyone else they knew to come to the venue. That’s when trouble started.

By the second day, the mission had nothing to give away. They gave everything they had. They gave out all the appliances, all the vouchers, all the money. But people kept barging in. Not only barging, but they started calling the three people names, swearing at them, throwing at them stuff. Cursing them for not helping. The lady said, a woman started screaming and crying. My daughter is sick, my daughter is dying. She needs help. We need money. Give us money. But the mission couldn’t do much. They had nothing more to give.

By mid afternoon, the three needed to leave. Mission is over. But the whole building was surrounded by angry refugees. One of the workers who worked at the building got punched in the face. Another was pulled by his collar. It was chaos. The three were trapped among angry protesters. That’s when the Syrian govt had to intervene with their security. Police cars came around and surrounded the area. Men with weapons tried to calm the situation at first but it didn’t work. The three people couldn’t even get out of the door without being pulled and pushed at.

Shots were fired in the air to disperse the angry crowd. One by one, the three were carried and thrown in the car. I just sat listening in shock at the lady’s story. I think she too was in shock as she recounted the events. She said people were calling them criminals. Cursing them. Even some started praying to god not to make them succeed in life. She said they couldn’t do more. Not then anyways. They ran out of everything they could give away. It’s a lesson, she said. A lesson and an eye opener. An eye opener to do more.

It changes the way you look at life she said. Its MY mission now to do everything I can to help those people, she continued. The stories of some of the refugees who spoke to them were beyond belief. The living conditions were worse than living in a haystack. I stopped clicking the mouse. I didn’t wanna see more. I had seen enough already. What was supposed to be a relaxing visit to my sister, turned out to be a heart wrenching one. Heart wrenching and depressing.

Strange thing is, here I am in the middle of it all. I tried to give some cash to a few of my coworkers awhile back to give to the needy but they refused. I said fine, give it to the Mosques, the minute I said the word mosque their response was even harsher. They’re too afraid to give out cash. It will just put their lives at risk, so I stopped asking.

The best thing I usually end up doing every trip to the Emirates is donate through the Red Crescent. You get to choose whatever amount you want to donate and for what category. You can never go wrong there. By doing that, it clears my mind for a little while. Just a little while. I always ask for Iraq. I remember one time, I went to one of their stalls in the mall and said I wanna donate please. He immediately handed out a voucher for Palestine. I shook my head. No, Im here for Iraq please. I felt some kind of discontent from him. I gathered he was Palestinian. Then I asked for more for Iraq, I had a substantial amount that I wanted to help with. You could see from the contortions of his face, he was getting uncomfortable. But I didn’t care. I may sound cruel, but my country is bleeding to death, and for me MY country is a priority for now.

Although most of the time my blog is intended to be personal regarding my marriage and my own situation, a lot of the times I try to make the world aware of whats going on around me. The majority of the Iraqi bloggers do just that. They are the trumpets of the Silenced Voices. I know that I don’t get as many responses as I would like to have. I know that many people are just sick and tired of hearing us whine and complain. Im not after your pity or sympathy, nor your oooooohs and aaaaaaahs. All I want is for you to read our stories and understand where we are coming from.

Maybe next time you’re browsing the net, search for ways that you can help out with too. Sometimes even the little stuff can go a long way. But just remember, us bloggers have no hidden agenda, have nothing to gain. We are just Trumpets. Trumpets of the Silenced Voices…

It was just brought to my attention the sad and devastating news of the killing of a fellow Iraqi blogger, BlogIraq!!!He was one of the very important Trumpets. And now a Trumpet has been silenced forever...

Those damn Mahdi Militia Suicide BUGS!!!

2008-05-15T19:01:00.002+03:00

Wow it seems like a lifetime ago since I wrote anything. In fact, my vacation seems like a lifetime ago too!!! I got back to Baghdad a few days ago, and I wasn’t too thrilled to be back. Funny how every vacation it becomes even harder. You need a couple of days to psyche yourself up before you can actually pull your weight and go through the process again. I remember my first R&R and how excited I used to get when I’d look out the plane to see Baghdad from the air. Now, it doesn’t move me anymore. Seeing the desert plains and the shabby houses from above makes me cringe with sadness. Sadness and disappointment.

After Greece we headed to Cyprus, Limassol to be precise. Since it was Easter, almost everything was shut, Yay meeeee, no wake up at dawn morning tours!!! Instead we enjoyed spending some real relaxing time basking in the sun. We did ofcourse ask the cab driver to take us to the best icecream in town when we first arrived, since that was the whole point of us going there in the first place. HUBBY was like a little child again, too excited by the icecream cone he was holding. I was all eyes watching him have his first licks. I gave him a few seconds then asked him whether it has the same taste as 20 years ago. Funny thing is, he couldn’t remember, lol.

After that we headed to Beirut. Yup. We missed the fun by a few days. Beirut was just beautiful. The scenery breath taking. You have the mountains on one end and the beach on the other. Pity we didn’t stay much there, but then again, had we delayed our plans, we would have probably been stuck in the airport by now. I gotta say though, I was getting pretty cranky with all the travelling so I wasn’t really in my best of moods. HUBBY just wanted to go and see nightlife, I just wanted to crawl into bed and watch a movie. We managed to hire a cab with a driver and told him to take us to all the places we should see.

Since this wasn’t MY first trip to Beirut, I had seen many of the touristic sites, but I wanted to see them again with HUBBY. At the time, things were just starting to bubble with Hezbollah. I remember HUBBY asking our driver what the consequences will be. Sameer just smiled and said “Oh don’t worry, every summer theres a problem, we got used to it. Nothing will happen. You guys should stay longer so I can take you to the mountains.” Little did Sameer know I guess. Pity how every damn summer, Hezbollah decides to have some action going, knowing that Lebanon thrives on tourists, especially the ones from the Gulf. I was extremely angered by the whole muscle show. It just goes to show you how much power Iran has all over…

AD, the last leg of our trip, was kinda hectic this time. Im not really sure what it is, but in the four months since I have last visited the place, things have changed dramatically. What used to take me 2 mins by car now takes me about 20-30 mins. Traffic has become a nightmare!!! Literally a nightmare. And since HUBBY didn’t have his International License with him, I was the designated driver for the whole stay. I used to enjoy driving, especially after being stuck here. But after that trip, I don’t think I wanna drive anymore. My back would ache non stop, it felt like it was being split right in the middle.

I didn’t even get a chance to see my family as much as I wanted to. An ex-coworker of ours who used to be here with us in Baghdad and left 2 years ago, decided to make a visit to the Gulf with his American wife. I wasn’t that keen to entertain them and take them around, since I needed some relaxation time myself. So the R&R went by so fast, and was getting hectic at the end. Instead of coming back refreshed, I was exhausted J but I aint complaining atleast I did have a break and celebrated my wedding anniversary far away from all the chaos.

I remember when we were in Limassol, it was our last day there and we had to check out from the hotel pretty early, since they only gave us 2 more hours. So we decided to walk around the city for abit just to pass the time. We found this small road which lead to the sea. We sat on the rocks and I just closed my eyes, then I realized, I realized that I haven’t been in such a peaceful place for a long long time. There weren’t any annoying helicopters hovering over our heads, nor those noisy loud generators that bug the hell out of me. It truly was a peaceful moment.

Having flies swarming all around me now and mosquitoes having a blast with my freshly tanned skin I know Im back in Baghdad. Was actually overwhelmed with work the minute I stepped into the office. It was like everyone was waiting for me to come so I can solve their issues. I’d hear my name being called out from the end of the corridor, all I did is roll my eyes, open skype up and tell HUBBY, I wanna leaaaaaaaaave nowwwww!!!

That’s that for now, I have loads more to say, but will keep it for some other time. Im so glad tomorrow is Friday. I’ll probably end up rubbing some of that anti mosquito lotion and just lie in bed with my pifpaf in my hand to safe guard myself from their vicious bites. I’ll take a guess and say those are Mahdi Militia Suicide Mosquitoes coming from Sadr city to blow themselves up here. They must be, for they go right through my clothes and bite, ughhhhh. I hate those damn bugs. Those damn Mahdi Militia Suicide BUGS!!!

Im gonna leave you with this picture I took of an area in Beirut. This picture says it all for me...Means alot to me. This picture is how it REALLY should be...But unfortunately BUGS are found everywhere...

BubbleShare: Share photos - Find great Clip Art Images.

My Authentic Smelly Greek Outing...

2008-04-24T19:29:00.001+03:00

Since this is our last day in Athens, we decided to take things really easy. I still am hungry for sleep, I think I can sleep for a full 24 hours. Being used to waking up at 530 am every day in Baghdad, I think things just took its toll on me. We probably woke up at 11 and as I was going to take a shower, HUBBY said, hey Neurotica, make sure you wear some dirty clothes today. Dirty clothes? I asked. Why? Werent you complaining that you havent seen anything authentic here yet? HUBBY said. Aha I nodded. Well today Neurotica, Im gonna take you somewhere thats as authentic as it gets. Something similar to soug il Shorja in Baghdad. So be ready for it. I smiled, for HUBBY has been searching on the net about things to do in Athens.

For the first time ever, I didnt buy the lonely planet book when I travelled. In every country we visit I always have a book with me, but this time it completely surpassed my mind. I guess the whooshes of the GZ scrambled my thoughts :)

I started rummaging through my wardrobe for dirty clothes, unfortunately, I didnt have any, so instead I opted out for my khakis and a simple top. I wasnt sure where HUBBY was taking me but I kinda had an inkling. We left our hotel and on our way we went. We walked through Ermo street which is the shopping galore street. Then we took Athinas street. Athinas street reminded me so much of covent garden in London. All kinda shops you see there from hardware stores, to cheap tshirts to bags and wallets. I think we were the only tourists walking in that area.

Then just before we reach the so called "authentic" place, HUBBY turned to me and said, ok Neurotica, get ready, cuff your pants up, hold on to your bag, and close your nose because we are here. I looked around and I could see in the distance crowds and crowds of people entering this place. Then all of a sudden a whiff trespassed my nostrils and OMG, I was going to gag. HUBBY took me to where the action is. The market, the food market. The real food market. With fresh meat hanging from rods. Intestines being rolled up. Liver and kidneys hanging. HUBBY looked at me making sure if Im still conscious. I just smiled making sure not a single breath escapes me.

Isnt this fun Neurotica he says. This is as authentic as it gets, HUBBY tells me. I just nod, smile and click away with my cam. It WAS fun I have to admit. I mean listening to the sellers shouting in Greek was nice. Each one trying to sell his produce. Then we made our way to the fish market. Even without breathing the fishy smell magically found its way to my nose. I pulled my scarf to my nose and starting following HUBBY. The floor is all wet and gooey. People pushing and shoving trying to get the best fresh shrimps or squids.

After that we went to the vegetables market. Such beautiful colours decorating the stalls. You can even smell the fresh strawberries in the air. Wow. HUBBY looked at me again and said smiling, see, this is authentic. Didnt you say you wanted authentic. This is it. I just laughed. I couldnt help myself. Yes it is authentic, thats true. After walking through the stalls, we found a quaint little restaurant. We looked at the menu and finally it had "REAL" greek food. We sat down and had yummy lunch. I kept smelling something fishy though. I asked HUBBY if he can smell it? He shakes his head, HUBBY's sense of smell is second to none, unlike mine where my nose is extremely sensitive.

Well I finally saw the Authentic Athens. On our way back to the hotel, we saw a group of probably 8 or 10 african guys selling fake brand name bags. Ive been seeing them in the streets every time we go out. Im not much of a brands person. I hate carrying a bag that has Louis Vitton all over it or Gucci. I hate that kinda stuff. I may buy it if I like the style and the brand name is on the inside, but not flaunting it, not my style what so ever. But just out of curiousity, I looked at one of the bags to see the price.

A fake LV sets you back about 25 Euros, not bad at all. And thats without even haggling. He thought I was interested, I just walked away. Then he followed me, Ok how much you want he says, how much. I just shook my head. Then out of the blue, the guys packed everything up like a bolt of lightening and ran. I didnt know what was going on until I looked around and noticed 2 police men walking in the distance. Lol. After getting inside the room, I can still smell that annoying fishy stench. Turns out, ITS MY HAAAAAAAAAIR....Ewwwww...

Oh well, this is it for today. I better go take a good shower and start packing. Where the hell am I gonna put all those shoes???Aaaaaaah I have an idea, for $5,995 I can buy a Tumi shoe compartment bag!!!Yeah right! Who the hell will buy something like that for THAT crazy price???OMG.

I saw it featured in the RJ magazine on the plane from Baghdad to Amman, while I was trying to block R's nagging from my ears. I remember I started jumping up and down like a little girl when I saw it, it didnt have the price in the magazine. R looked at me and said, whats wrong, did the plane move? I said, Nooooooooo, look they have a bag specially made for shoes. I think he was so ready to slap my face, hehe.

Im gonna leave you with some pictures of today's "Authentic" outing. My Authentic Smelly Greek Outing...

BubbleShare: Share photos - Powered by BubbleShare

A Blazing Inferno...

2008-04-23T22:25:00.004+03:00

Hmmm, and I thought we were gonna go to an island!!! Lmao. Instead we went and saw more ruins and a theater. The trip itself took about 3 hours each way. But you know what, it was well worth it this time. Our tour guide which happened to be the exact same one we had for the past two days told us alot of stories, legends and greek mythology which made things far more interesting and held more meaning. I can say that Im in love with Greek mythology and I will definitely read more about it.

The scenery along the way was absolutely breathtaking. You dont wanna take your eyes off of the window. I really did enjoy todays tour albeit it was tiresome. As we sat for lunch in one of the tavernas as they call it, we shared the table with all the other tourists who surprise surprise turned out to be all from the States. Btw, just a small info, the difference between a taverna and a restaurant is, tavernas offer only greek food, while restaurants offer a combination of both greek and International. I cant say the food was great, we had Moussaka for starters, which wasnt bad, then the main course was souvlaki. Pork souvlaki which ofcourse we didnt have.

The tourists with us were far more friendlier than the other day. But funny enough, the conversation didnt revolve about Iraq what so ever, instead it revolved about the housing market back in the States. Although they did ask us about how we felt going back to Baghdad after all these years. But that was that. Tomorrow is our final day here and we are thinking of just relaxing, maybe visit the museum which apparantly is a must. And ofcourse I will spend some time shoe shopping!!! Yaaaaaaaaaay. Ive already bought 4 pairs, but I liked a few more which I will definitely be getting. I think Im competing with Emelda Marcus, hehe.

I didnt know that Orthodox Easter is this coming Sunday. While on our tour today, our guide stated that many Athenians have started to leave the city for the holidays. And true enough, traffic was pretty bad. Whenever we are walking in Plaka with all the cafes and restaurants scattered around us and we see young people laughing and enjoying themselves, HUBBY turns to me and asks "Why isnt Iraq like this, do you think it will ever be like that?". I shake my head and simply say Unfortunately No, not in our lifetime. Its a pity how the cradle of civilization has now become an inferno. A Blazing Inferno...

BubbleShare: Share photos - Powered by BubbleShare

Authentic Food with Crazy Plate Breaking

2008-04-22T20:43:00.007+03:00

We just got back from Cape Sounion. Had I known it would take us about 2 hours just to reach there, I wouldnt have opted for this tour. Yes it was nice, yes its amazing, BUT...But I kinda am not impressed by the ruins as much as I was impressed by the Acropolis. I mean THAT is really something to see...

I also blame my uninterest in the few columns here and there to our trip last year to Italy. Now thats one place I cannot compare history to. Maybe we should have come to Greece first then see Italy, I dunno. Tomorrow is a big day, we are going to visit one of the islands, and Im kinda excited. Athens is nice. Athens is nice and is full of shoe shops, woooooooohooooo...The street right next to our hotel is shoes galore. I just love it.

We have been taking things easy which is exactly what I want and need. We sit at cafes and PW (People watch). I mean just doing something as simple as that is a blessing. Drinking yummy lattes and enjoying the beatiful weather with HUBBY is by itself WOW. I cant believe that 4 days ago I was stuck in an airport in Baghdad...Infact I dont wanna even think about it.

Our day tour yesterday was quite fun. The visit to the Acropolis was amazing, but nobody warns you that you will be using alot of your calf muscles on the way!!! Yup...After being stuck in an office sitting on my ass for the past three and a half months, I cant really say my muscles were happy bunnies...I woke up today suffering, but hey I aint complaining. We have also been doing alot of walking in Plaka and Psiri. Plaka is very touristy though, full of cafes and restaurants. As we walk around we get mobbed by the waiters "Sir, sir, we are the best in town. Sir, Sir we offer the best authentic greek food at reasonable prices". Yup turns out all of them are the "best" in town and all of the offer 'authentic" food. :)

We saw a gyro shop, and since gyro is exactly like the shawirma HUBBY loves, we sat there. Apparantely the Greeks pronounce it "geeros". Something I always wanted to find out about. I was so excited to have some but then got disappointed as it was a choice of either pork or chicken. Neither of which we eat, so instead we settled for some lamb kababs...Cant say it was tasty, infact, it was tasteless. Everything we ate needed loads of salt which kinda shocked me. Ive had Greek food in the States, and I remember it as being extremely yummy...Oh well, again I aint complaining.

I do feel abit guilty for some odd reason with all thats happening back in Baghdad. I need to completely switch off. There arent many channels on TV that we can understand except for CNN, euronews and Jazeera. So all we do if we are in the room is watch news, NOT GOOD. Today as I was lying next to HUBBY, which I have to say is just bliss, watching CNN with Obama and Hilary, I asked him who he would vote for. McCain, he said. I couldnt believe it. I jolted up and said, say again? McCain???How could you HUBBY. The guy is an idiot. He is the best out of these three HUBBY said.

I dont agree at all. HUBBY then asked who would I vote for if I had the chance, None was my answer. Obama and Hilary wanna get the troops out and dont wanna have anything to do with Iraq. McCain is a crook. He is just dillusional. So for me none of these are good enough. Ughhh, I still cant believe he said McCain...

Oh forgot to mention something. Yesterday on the tour bus, an older couple started talking to us. They were from the States. They asked us where we were from. I dunno why HUBBY at first said Florida. Then as the conversation deepened, he told them we are originally Iraqis. All of a sudden the conversation came to a halt. That just cracked me up. I told HUBBY now we know if we aint in the mood to socialize we will just say Baghdad and that will shut people up, I like that. Besides, I scream Iraq. I mean Im wearing my Iraq map necklace, Im wearing my 2 Iraq bracelates, people should figure it out by themsleves dont you think?

Apart from that, after almost four months of being a single neurotic wife, I almsot forgot what it feels like to be married again. So when we both need to pee, we both scram to the bathroom. Me first I say, no me first he says. And we push each other to see who gets to sit on the reign first. Too funny. Or at bed time. Im used to being alone. HUBBY loves to hug me, so he rolls over to my side, leaving all the half of his side of the bed empty and sticks himself to me. I end up right at the edge ready to fall anytime,lol. Then I remember, Hey Im married. Again things like these make me smile. Its an odd feeling having to switch off then on again. But I Love it. I love being pampered and showered by kisses out of the blue.

Well I better go now, its time for dinner and Im famished. Not sure whats on the menu for tonight, but I really really do feel like having something authentic. I mean REALLY authentic. Authentic food with crazy plate breaking. I love breaking plates. Its very therapeutic. Havent seen restaurants that offer that kinda thing... I wanna break some plates!!! I want Authentic Food with Crazy Plate Breaking...

The Athenian Civilization...

2008-04-20T11:58:00.004+03:00

To actually be in Athens right now is one helluva an accomplishment. OMG, the trip out from BIAP was a trip from hell!!! I cannot describe the anxiety everyone went through 2 days ago. I was scheduled to fly out on the 18th. On the 17th we had one ugly dust storm, and I knew that the back log at the airport will be a nightmare. It was a blessing I had 2 of my colleagues with me. One of them knew a guy at the airport, where we give him 50 bucks each and he can guarantee us a place.

BIAP was just a nightmare, people pushing and shoving, One old lady, actually fell because of it, poor thing. And no one helped her. Instead they started pushing even more just to get in line. By 830 am we called the guy, he took our papers and disappeared. One of my coworkers, R, or maybe I should say excoworker cause he got laid off killed me. The guy literally was talking non stop to me, complaining about the organization, about the airport, about EVERYTHING. He was soooooooooooooo negative, I knew the day will not go as smoothly as I want it to be.

A, the guy that took our papers reappeared again with our boarding passes and we managed to have a place on that flight. Then it was time for that dreaded passport control. The guy kept looking at my Iraqi passport and my face. Then he said, you arent Iraqi. I laughed, I said, if Im not Iraqi what am I? Indian? He kept shaking his head, no, no you are not Iraqi. I was gonna say something smart like, If I wanna fake a passport, why the hell should I choose an Iraqi one to begin with, but I kept my mouth shut, and said I assure you, I am Iraqi 100%. He then asked me if I hold another passport, and ofcourse the answer was yes. I was finally let go.

We sat in the lobby waiting for our flight to be announced. It was supposed to leave at 1130am. And sure enough, we lined up, we had our bags checked again, and we took the bus, and before boarding the plane we had our bags checked AGAIN. Like I have no idea what the hell can we put in our bags during the 5 minute bus trip to the plane??? We finally boarded the plane and thats when the nightmare started.

We could see the sky is getting hazier and hazier by the minute. An hour passed, 2 hours, 3 hours, and the plane became like one box of sardines. The pilot announced that we were waiting for the weather to clear. You can hear the passengers talking, all of a sudden everyone became an expert on flying, visibility and weather!!!It was kinda funny...

There we were sitting for 3 hours in that darn thing, and Im right next to R, my excoworker, who just wouldnt stop complaining. OMG. By the fourth hour, I needed to smoke, and asked one of the flight attendants if we can disembark for a smoke. The answer was ofcurse no. A few minutes later and we were asked to grab our belongings and go back to the airport. I was soooo ready to cry. One of RJ's crew, knows me as Ive been travelling with them a long time. I asked him, do you think I will be outta here today? He smiled and said, I guarantee you, today you will be having dinner in Amman.

You could hear everyone's moans when the annoncement was made. Everyone was just so eager to leave. There were people who were waiting from the night before. So not a nice sight. Everyone kept asking whether we were actually gonna travel or not. Nobody knew. All the officials said was inshallah, if the weather clears. As we loooked through the window, we can see the dust. The dust turning orange. NOT GOOD. Everytime an announcement was made Id jump. And everyone else would gather around me asking me what was said, since I can understand arabic. And then one by one, airlines started getting cancelled. We found out that for insurance purposes, RJ does not keep its aircraft overnight in Baghdad, so we were all hoping that that will be the case. It was our only hope.

I went to some of teh security guards and asked if there was any other way out. Even a taxi, I dont care I just wanna leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave!!! They all laughed, and asked me to be patient. They said as long as they did not unload our bags yet, then theres a chance.

5 Pm passed, then 6. Then 7 and 8 pm. They told us by 9 pm things will be more clearer and they will have more info. In the mean time, I was worried about HUBBY. He too was travelling that day. Lucky bastard, he made it to Kuwait. 9pm came and everyone was anxious. Still no word. 10 pm, and everyone just became antsy. The weather was still dusty outside. And we had a few blackouts in the airport. I kept thinking I would be really lucky if I made it. 11 Pm and still no word. We would see the officials walking and Id jump and ask them the latest news. I just gave up. I sat on the floor waiting. Waiting for anything. By 1 am, the passport control guy passed by me, looked down and saw that it was me. He couldnt believe that almost 13 hours ago he stamped my passport and I was still here.

When they announced that RJ was boarding, OMG. Everyone scrammed to the gate. the Passport guy ushered to me and pulled me to the top of the line. I said, I cant, Im with my coworkers. He called them to join me. You can imagine the stares I got from everyone. I felt really embarrased, but hey I will do anything just to leave!!! We had to go through the whole process of security checks, and the guys there recognized me. They said, see had you taken a taxi, you wouldnt have made it.

Ofcourse everyone knew where they were sitting so that didnt take much time. Everyone had their fingers crossed. Again things were taking longer than should be. Then the dreaded announcement. The pilot said, we are still waiting for a final weather check, and things dont loook that good. To say people started cursing, would be an understatement. R was ready to go strangle the pilot. I just couldnt believe my luck. I was tired, sleepy, and desperate. Half an hour later and the plane started moving. We held our breaths. Once it took off, and it was actually in the air, OMGGGGGGGGG, The clapping and the cheers were just inbelievable.

Once in Amman airport, I could barely open my eyes. One of the officials asked me something, I had no friggin clue what it was. I just looked at him like a lost puppy and said, Look, Im sorry, I dont know what you just said. Im tired, Im sleepy and I can barely concentrate. He smiled. Wow first time ever I see a jordanian offical smile. He said its ok, you can go, welcome to Amman.

I have more to say, but tomorrow is a long day. I finally made it. I finally saw HUBBY, and I finally got out of that prison. We arrived in Athens today, and I cant wait to just relax and see some civilization!!! The Athenian Civilization...

The Awakening...

2008-04-13T17:47:00.003+03:00

Camouflage Smoke in the GZ is a new phenomena. Nooooo, I don’t mean the “whooshy” smoke but cig smokes. I have been here for almost three years. And in my three years I can say that 99.7% of the military that work with me are non smokers. Not only non smokers, but they have those annoying personalities where if they see you smoke they give you an hour long lecture about how “unhealthy” cigs are for you. Bla bla bla. Some even joke and tell me “Hey Neurotica, smoking will stunt your growth”. <<<<< Rolling my eyes

There are some who refuse to come out of the closet though and instead hide behind their cigars. Cigs are bad but smoking cigars isn’t, what BS. But recently I have started seeing both men and women in uniform hiding in the courtyard corner smoking. The courtyard that was once filled with just us “contractors” is now being invaded. Is it the stress that drive people to smoke? I think that’s what it is. I know a few who told me they had quit smoking for 15 or 20 years and started again when they came here. Yup, this place makes you pick up a lot of “bad” habits. I guess I need to get used to seeing smoke in camouflage.

Its been an odd and depressing two days since Col M left. Or maybe its me getting too antsy before I leave for my vacation. The worst part of travelling is the packing and unpacking. Although I have to admit I have become a pro. Ummm cant say that about HUBBY. This is us usually hours before we travel.

Me: HUBBY when will you pack
HUBBY: When is our flight?
Me: Hmm, in like 7 hours
HUBBY: Oh we have plenty of time
Me: WHAT?
HUBBY: Sweetie, why panic. Packing is a piece of cake, all I need is five minutes before we leave. I will just throw the stuff in.
ME wishing theres like a real hard wall so I can bang my head on.

And true to his word, HUBBY does EXACTLY what he says. While I pack everything so neatly hours and sometimes a day before then check the room a few times more if I had forgotten anything, HUBBY just sits there, smoking his cig, sipping his coke and checking emails!!! A few minutes before our ride, he finally realizes that its time to pack his stuff, he just gathers everything in his arm, throws it in the suitcase and voila, he is ready to rock and roll!!! Wowww!!! That actually impresses me. It really does :)

Funny how people change. I used to be just like HUBBY before I got married. But I would start packing an hour or two before going to the airport and continue packing till the cab calls me informing he is downstairs waiting. One of the many things I adore about HUBBY though is his coolness. At first, it used to drive me nuts. But now, I realized what a great combination we have. Im extremely bad tempered and I do lose it at times, but HUBBY, HUBBY is just cool. I used to think it’s the age but Im definitely convinced its not after seeing a few people in HUBBY’s same age group that totally lose their temper over the most trivial things. I mean please cmon, give me a break.

Anyhow, I will end this post with a picture of Col M and the abbaya and yeshmakh we presented him at his farewell lunch. He looked very nice. When we took some group pictures, he pulled me next to him since Im one of those whose growth was stunted :) And no, it wasn’t because of smoking, I blame it on my vegetarianism at a very sensitive age. Lol. While standing next to Col M, I said “Col M, you know, you look so much like the Awakening with this” Cuz he really did. He laughed...Hmmm, can I call this post the Awakening? The American Awakening?
Uhoh I feel another post is coming through my head, but you know what, I will give it a rest today. And instead Im gonna call this just The Awakening...

The Hearts and Minds Award...

2008-04-11T07:33:00.000+03:00

So do you still have family here? The new CAPT asked. No, no I don’t, they all left. So do you get out much? No, but umm I did manage to last month and it was amazing. The look on his face asked me to elaborate. To elaborate what can be so amazing in a war torn country filled with the stench of death and tainted with the colour blood.

The CAPT has replaced our Col. And this post is not about Baghdad, nor my Amazing Baghdadi Day, nor is it about the new Captain. This post is going to be about something, or rather someone, someone who really cared, yet you will never read about anywhere in the media. Nor will you see it all over the news. You know why? Because its done with real genuine feelings.

Its not like what you watch on the AFN channels trying to market the “US Military Love” to the Iraqis by distributing school bags to children. Or Generals sipping Iraqi chai with local tribes and pretending to smile into the cameras. Oh no, this is not like that. This is not like that because this is REAL. This is not for the cameras waiting for the man behind it to say, one, two three action. Or for the interviewer to edit what he likes and adds what makes things look rosy or muddy depending on his/her affiliations. No. This is something I have seen in my own eyes and I have felt in my own heart.

I was asked to work with Col M about 8 months ago. When I was told the news, I was extremely flabbergasted and very disappointed. First off I felt I was being clutched from an environment I knew too well, knew by heart, to an environment that I had no clue about. It’s the same place, same job, but different program, different people. Secondly, from having to work with AF COL’s for almost 2 years, I wasn’t really sure that Id be able to deal with an Army guy. To me Air Force was the epitome of perfection. I just loved that “umph” they emitted. Not only Col M was known for his bad temper but he was also notoriously known for his honest bluntness, kinda like me. Hmm, maybe that’s why we got along afterall!!!

But little did I know then, that I will be working with one of the greatest men ever. Col M, (just like Col K, who I worked with 2 and a half years ago) may not have achieved what he came here for in the first place, but I believe he achieved something far beyond the so called reconstruction efforts. Not only achieved but gained the love of every Iraqi he worked with. And I emphasize IRAQIS because he went out of his way to get them the US visas. He reviewed each and every one of those packages. He assisted them in providing the correct info. He hand carried them himself to the General for the signature. He did a lot for them. He encouraged them continuously, always took the time to ask how they are and how their families are. And you know what, he was never obliged to do that. Not obliged at all. Nor did he do it for his personal gains, cuz that definitely wont get him a star.

Unlike many who work here, be it both military or civilians, he is one of the very few people that I have seen and met that genuinely cared and not “pretended” to care. And because he was against the bureaucracy that we work in, and because he made it obvious how wrong they are, people couldn’t accept his views lightly, hence he wasn’t that much liked. But to me, he was a real gentleman. He was never afraid to say his opinion, and he was never afraid to show his affections to his wife through the phonecalls he shared with her. I just love it when a man as stern as him, can be so soft, so soft and loving. Im sorry HUBBY but that just melts me :)

So no, you will not read about Col M’s small treats he leaves on the Iraqis desks from time to time in the NY times or the Washington Post. Nor will you hear the admiration and love my Iraqi coworkers have for this man on CNN or BBC. Oh no. You will never sense the aura he emits when he enters a room, nor feel the charisma in his voice when he encourages the Iraqis for their hard work. And although I know he will never get to see these words, I write them with great sadness. Theres like a heavy feeling in the air. I see people coming and saying bye to him, and I just cant stop myself from staring at this man. I just cant stop thinking how much he will be really missed.

Now that’s what I call winning the hearts and minds. That’s exactly what it is. He found the secret that both the US and Coaltion forces failed to find. Because Col M won both the hearts and the minds of all the Iraqis without any exceptions. He won the hearts and minds of all the Iraqis no matter what their sect is, their religion is and most of all what their political views are about this war. Col M, deserves not only one star or two or three stars, he deserves an Award. Simply, The Hearts and Minds Award…

Nine Lives in the GZ...

2008-04-09T17:41:00.001+03:00

I had the worst migraine ever yesterday to the extent I was crying from the pain. My eyes felt as if they were gonna pop out of their sockets and my body was too weak to even get out of bed. Its times like these I wish I was home with my parents. My mom would have definitely known how to make me feel better. I miss her, I miss her a lot and cant wait to be with them again.

I was abit thrown off side with some odd policies that came about regarding blogs. Apparently someone somewhere, most probably a military person, has been giving too much info on the operations that was going on lately that now there is an SOP and some kinda registration of blogs. But since mine represents MY OWN personal views and my own PERSONAL LIFE, then Im fine. I probably should stop mentioning whooshes and booms from now on though. And since Im so fed up with politics, Im gonna give it a miss this time and talk about personal stuff. So if youre looking for exciting news that marks the 5th anniversary of the "fall" of Baghdad, then look elsewhere. Im in my unphased mood…

We have finally finalized our R&R. I have completed all the flights and hotel bookings. HUBBY and I finally agreed on the itinerary. Amman, Greece, Cyprus, Beirut and ofcourse AD. Yup, we are going to be boarding 5 different planes in twelve days!!! Not sure how we went from just wanting to relax and stay in one place, to travelling to 5 places. Umm it wasn’t my decision, so must be one of HUBBY’s bright ideas!!! Ok, a small synopsis about HUBBY. HUBBY LOVES FOOD!!! No I really MEAN he LOVES food. My family and I have a nickname for him (Abu Batnee) which is usually used on people who concentrate their attention on their palate, hehe. I guess his love and addiction of Iraqi or Arabic food transpires from the 25 years he spent in the US without it.

This is HUBBY before we even got married. It was when I first met him and he took me on a date. Umm, you’d think he would take me somewhere romantic, somewhere nice and quiet filled with scented candles. WRONG! It was September 2003. We were in London. Neurotica he says, do you know this place which sells this really unique kind of falafel in Piccadilly? Even though I lived in London for about 13 years, I cant say Piccadilly was a place I usually hanged out in. And you can find falafel kiosks littered all over that place.

So HUBBY, began his search quest for that special Falafel kiosk. Needless to say, after three hours of roaming aimlessly in Piccadilly with my high heeled shoes, I asked HUBBY when was the last time he actually saw that place? 1980 he said with a smirky smile on his face. My face just froze. TWENTY THREE YEARS AGO!!! An important piece of info he kinda forgot to mention at the beginning of our search. OMG, I was soooooooooo ready to slap the crap outta him!!! I should have known then, lol.

Cyprus and Beirut have the same story to them. In Cyprus, there is this ice cream which HUBBY apparently found orgasmic, twenty years ago. Yup. And umm Beirut has shawirma which he remembers having when he was about 10!!! Yes when he was 10, must have been one helluva shawirma to have left such an impression on a 10 year old, don’t you think. But because I love HUBBY and because I don’t want him to blame me in the future for not letting him “relive” the “good old” days, I agreed. Actually Im lying. I only agreed because in Cyprus I can bask in the sun while he goes and looks for that icecream on his own. And in Beirut, I will be shoe shopping while he goes to Hamra district and tastes every single shawirma stall to find that particular one he had 37 years ago!!!! Good luck to him.

That’s about it for now. Im so ready to leave, but yet again, its NOT soon enough!!! And as for umm the “Whooshy fireworks” don’t worry about me, Im just like a cat I have seven lives, or is it nine? Nine Lives. Nine Lives in the GZ…

Footnote: Some of the IT guys told me that because of the curfew today. they are not allowing anyone aged between 16 and 35 to leave the GZ. So those who actually made it on foot today, are stuck for the night

April Fools Trophy of the Century...

2008-04-01T16:23:00.003+03:00

I had a few ideas for April Fools today. Call HUBBY and tell him I quit my job. Call HUBBBY and tell him I chopped my hair off. Call HUBBY and tell him I quit smoking yeah right! Or call HUBBY and tell him that there was the most hugest blast ever in the GZ and theyve started to evacuate us!(Thats nasty, I know) But then I thought about it, and realized, I wasnt gonna do any of that because one, I wasnt in the mood to joke, and two,there are a few people out there who can do this much much better than I would. People who can fool the whole world. Not just fool one person, but 6.60 billion people. You decide which one deserves the Trophy. The April Fools Trophy of the Century...

Candidate Number One
Al Maliki, who I cannot Friggin believe just stated today that Last week’s battles IS A SUCCESS!!! Is he pulling an April Fools on us??? Is that possible? Article
BAGHDAD - Iraq's prime minister says the military operation to clear the southern city of Basra of Shiite militia violence has been a "success."
Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki said in a statement Tuesday that his office will recruit 10,000 more police and army forces and will move to enhance public services in Iraq's second-largest city.
His comments come after a peace deal between radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr and the Iraqi government has brought a tense calm following a week of clashes.
The ferocious resistance by militia fighters has left the U.S.-backed prime minister politically battered and humbled within his own Shiite power base.
But he says the crackdown achieved "security, stability and success" in Basra.

Candidate Number Two:
Bush, who back in May 2003, stated that “We have prevailed”
Admiral Kelly, Captain Card, officers and sailors of the USS Abraham Lincoln, my fellow Americans: Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the Battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed. And now our coalition is engaged in securing and reconstructing that country.

Candidate Number Three:
McCain: Back in March 2006
"There are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today," he said, when asked to highlight something positive about what American forces have been able to accomplish in Iraq.
Yup, he forgot to mention he was there wearing his high tech bullet proof vest, and twenty or so security guards and tanks!!!

Candidate Number Four:
The one and only Muqtada aka Muti, aka "Sayder" who in February said he wants to concentrate on his studies!!!
Al-Sadr said his withdrawal from public view was motivated in part by his desire to focus on his studies to become a mujtahid, or a religious authority.
But he made clear that he remained in charge of his political movement — his loyalists have 30 of parliament's 275 seats — by personally overseeing the work of a ruling committee."Who among you doesn't want me to be a mujtahid?" he said. "I have given the community five years (of my life), now I want a few years to study."

You decide:

Because I got High...

2008-03-31T15:31:00.007+03:00

Wow, I have never seen such happy faces since the Iraqi team won the Asia cup back in July. To see the relieved faces of my Iraqi coworkers who came to work is something I cannot describe in words. Its strange, they told me, theyre finally out of their prison. While the freedom they enjoy is MY prison. Just like my last post I guess, One man’s misery is another man’s gains, or in this case JOY. A Dusty Joy, since we have a yucky dust storm.

They said that although the curfew was lifted it still ongoing for Sadr City, Shu3la and Kadhmiya. Its weird, cuz as I was telling each and everyone of them “Hamdilla 3al Salama” as in (thank God for your safety), they were far more concerned about us and the attacks we had. “We are much safer” Hayder who lives in the red zone said. “Its you guys who are in danger. You are a clear target for them”. I just smiled and said my usual “Allah il Hafudh” (God is our protector).

I have talked to atleast 10 people who live all over the place. They did say the situation was extremely bad and heavy fighting was heard all over, BUT, not as bad as everyone made it to be. One guy, who actually lives in one of the hot spots, Jamila, said that the American tanks only stayed on the outskirts of the neighbourhood. He also mentioned that JAM were all over the place with their machine guns and artillery. When I asked him if he had seen Iraqi Army anywhere, he said “Nope, none of them, the streets were plagued with JAM. And every few minutes we heard explosions because they dug bombs in the roads”

Im not sure if this truce is a good one. To be honest, its just an exact replay of what happened a year or so ago. Its like everyone (the government, “Sayder” and so called fighters) go through a PMS cycle, albeit with real long intervals in between, unlike us women where we suffer every darn month. UGHHHHH. So if Maliki stops the fighting now, what has he achieved? What has all this achieved? A BIG FAT NOTHING. Six months from now, and all the hormones will flare up again, and the fighting will start!!!

There is a lot of misconception that Sadr offered this truce because he was being hammered. UNTRUE. This is just a ploy. A card he is playing so everyone can say “Aaaaaah what a hero, he really does care”. What utter bullshit. This guy does not have an inkling of a grain of care in his system. He doesn’t give a damn shit about the Iraqi people. Not a single government person nor any leader care about the Iraqis. “SAYDER” wants everyone to see him as a hero. As a compassionate leader. That is the real reason behind his so called truce.

It was a joke on all the Iraqi channels last night. As I was trying to get the latest news, all of a sudden the “3iraqiya” (State owned) Kept referring to Sadr as the respectable Mr Sadr may god bless him said so and so. While just a few days ago, they were against the guy. I hate the media. Such bunch of hypocrites. No, I know, nothing new. Im very disappointed. I was hoping, REALLY hoping that Maliki’s balls were filled with tough testosterone but I knew it wasn’t gonna last. Turns out his balls ARE EMPTYYYYYYYY!!!

I asked another guy, Adnan, about the food situation and how they managed. He said that it wasn’t that bad. He said many people took precautions beforehand. What helped is the canned food they had. Yes bread and fresh vegetables weren’t available since the shops were closed, but people still had food in their houses. But we shouldn’t forget about those who get paid a daily wage. Now these are the ones that suffered the most. These are the real victims, who cannot afford to stock up a week or even 3 days in advance.

As I write this, I can hear my Iraqi colleagues talk and joke. I can hear the great relief in their voices echoing all around. They say the truce is good. That’s what some said. Others share my opinion, that this hasn’t achieved anything but havoc and that Maliki turned out to be a great wuss. Again nothing new.

Adnan said "we are sick and tired of being afraid from JAM. They are criminals. Maliki should have continued with the operation and eliminated them, but we know this will never happen. Muqtada has a huge backing and millions of supporters. I have 2 young daughters, and the only reason Im working here is to have the chance to leave using the US Visa. I cant have them suffer through this again. Im counting the days until my 12 months are over, and then, then I will be leaving this place and will never look back". Its all about money another guy said. "Im sure Maliki and Sadr broke a deal about the billions of oil barrels in Basrah".

As you probably read already, we had really nice fireworks again today. But no whooshing sounds, so they must have been mortars and not rockets. I also got busted last night because I was caught without having the protective metal inside those “beautiful” vests. Ughhhh… HUBBY said I deserved it, lol…I also started listening to my music. I just put my headset on so I don’t hear whatever is going on outside. (If you guys have any nice song suggestions please do tell me, I like everything except Jazz. I listen to Iraqi/Arabic, Spanish, Country, techno, alternative, you name it I listen to it).

Seven mugs of coffee, one redbull (8 peeing trips to the bathroom, yeah I dunno why I feel obliged to share this particular info) plus my energy vitamins, and Im as high as can be!!! Wooooohooooo. No whooshing sound will ever get me now :)Because I got High (listening to the Afroman song)….Because I got High...

Footnote:A 2 week article which I just found. Very interesting.

One Man's Misery, is Another Man's Gains...

2008-03-30T11:13:00.005+03:00

Neurotic Iraqi Wife Times Newspaper Headlines for today:

TWENTY SIX MILLION Iraqis take part in the EARTH HOUR of Darkness

Twenty six million or is it 22 now? Have taken part in the Earth Hour of Darkness last night. An Official who shall remain nameless because he is not authorized to speak to the media disclosed to the Neurotic Iraqi Wife bureau, that the inhabitants of all 18 governorates in Iraq have been the first to take this initiative since the year 2003. That same official showed great discontent that his country was not applauded in any media source for the great efforts in conserving worldwide energy.

“This is despicable”, he spat at the Chief Editor who happened to be none other than Neurotica herself. Neurotica just stood there holding the vanilla scented candle in one hand and shielding her face from the man’s saliva in the other. “We are the only country in the whole world who have been conserving Energy in a continious manner!!!”, "Where is the World media? Where is Bush? We deserve a lifetime medal for this great achievement" the official continued.

“Ssshhhhh, do you hear that?” Neurotica suddenly interrupted the Official while concentrating really hard to the sound. “Its that darn wooooooshing sound. The wooooshing rocket sound. Dont you hear it?”

The official looked at Neurotica with disgust, shook his head and said “You’ve lost it, there is NOOOOOO wooooshing sound. Its been “awfully” quiet, too quiet this morning in the Green Zone, if you ask me. These are helicopters hovering above. I think youre starting to hallucinate!"

“Hmmm Helicopters? Darn, I cant get rid of the woosh in my ears anymore, its stuck in my head” Neurotica mumbled while the official walked away shaking his head in dismay.

Sorry I just had to do that. It’s a great irony to see people “celebrating” darkness when Iraqis have been SUFFERING due and through the darkness!!! But then again, One Man's Misery is Another Man’s Gains....

Whooooooooooosh Boooooooooom...

2008-03-29T11:03:00.003+03:00

I don’t understand the criticism that Maliki is facing because of these operations. Am I the only sane person around? One guy, Ghassan al Attiya said in an interview yesterday that before Maliki started this he should have opened a forum of discussions!!! HUH??? The guy has been talking about disarming the militias for the past 2 years!!! Why is everyone so upset? Whatever agenda Maliki has, I really don’t care, as long as he gets rid of the thugs. And if its only pointed at one group, ie JAM, then be it. One down and hundreds more to go.

My expat coworkers keep asking me what is going on. One even said Sadr’s name as “SAYDER”. If it was normal circumstances I would have corrected him, but I have no nerves left in me. I just tell him to read the news on the net. I guess I don’t have the energy to explain WHY this is happening, nor the conspiracy theories behind it, nor the history of contempt between the factions. One thing which did crack me up was when that same guy said “But isn’t SAYDER a Shiite, and isn’t HAYKIM a Shiite, why are they fighting?” Hmmm, if only he knows…

The uproar with the politicians is unexplainable. People who kill innocent Iraqis DO NOT UNDERSTAND the terms “discussions” or “negotiations”. The only language they understand is that of weapons and force. Their thick illiterate minds do not have the capacity nor the capability of comprehending peaceful talks let alone discussions. Imagine if Maliki, just like that bozo Mashhadani who announced to the whole world yesterday they were meeting at 1500 to discuss the current situation (I still cant figure his stupidity but then again, I shouldn’t be surprised), imagine Maliki coming on national TV to announce that on such and such date we are going to start the operation and we are targeting Mahdi militia in Basrah and all over the country!!! Now how the hell would these operations succeed if the guy comes out with the plan??? Are people idiots? Didn’t this happen awhile back, when a similar thing was announced last year, and all the top aides to Sadr fled to Iran and Syria??? Didn’t “SAYDER” (Yeah the name is growing on me) disappear with his white cloak into oblivion!!! Didn’t the Mahdi army hide their weapons and disappeared amongst the ordinary people??? I mean cmon where is your common sense????

Can someone explain to me why is it that everyone is so upset? Ok I understand that many see it a direct hit to Muti, which should be a good sign even though its with the backing of Hakeem. But isn’t it better to get rid of these militias once and for all? Why the uproar? This should have happened a long time ago. It should include all Militias be it Badr, JAM, all the other weird names and all Al Qaeda, basically everyone and anyone who is killing innocent Iraqis. How come people didn’t come out on the streets of Baghdad denouncing F* Bin Laden when he announced last week that Iraq is just his battle ground to pave the way to Palestine??? Why weren’t people holding up banners saying no no Bin Ladin??? Ha? Why? As I said, Iraqis will always be ahl al Shiqaq wal Nifaq (people of factionalism and hypocrisy). And that just disgusts me!!!

I heard the whooshing sounds again this morning. Now everytime lockdown is announced I just cover my ears. I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t wanna know. Im kinda challenging myself to see how long I can hold on for. My R&R is in a few weeks. Will I be able to stand these whooshing sounds? I dont mind the booms, but the whooshing just unnerves me. Maybe I should invest in a sound proof headset. Yeah, I think that’s what I will be doing. Oh and hey, I actually did manage to shave my legs last night AND take a shower as well, woooohoooo. Unfortunately I opted for a shave rather than using my epilator. Again, I didn’t wanna be caught in some compromising position. Usually I take ages in the shower, but hell yesterday, I broke the record. Instead of the half hour to fortyfive minutes, I was done in 15!!!

Well I better get back to work. If I can concentrate that is without having the lockdown echoing in my darn ears. Oh and hey, if you guys are having your morning coffee while reading this, then remember me, cuz Ive had five already and its only 11am. None of the Iraqis are here because of the curfew ofcourse. But some who live in Karrada and Salhiya did manage to get in. Theyre saying things are BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD outside.

Alright, that’s it for the time being. I hope I will have some sanity left in me by the end of the day. Im not sure whats worse, getting used to these whooshing sounds or having to wear the darn PPE. Ughhhhh. Whoooooooooooooooosh Booooooooooom...

Does this druggie look like someone
who understands negotiations?To me
He looks like the devil himself

Footnote: I was going through my morning reading rounds and I enjoyed these by Nibras Kazimi, check them out. Article 1, Artcile 2 and tell me what you think

Fireworks in the Green Zone...

2008-03-28T15:30:00.007+03:00

Its 1530 and we are under lockdown. We had a very quiet morning. Atleast I was able to have a good sleep. After about 10 I woke up and was trying to catch the latest news, when Mashhadani announced that they will be meeting today at 1500. He said it over the friggin news!!! Uhoh I thought to myself, we are gonna have a party today. Sure enough less than 45 minutes ago and the fireworks started.

Talk about opsec. How the hell can this guy say something like that on national TV!!!I cannot believe the idiocy. The last 2 rockets were extremely loud I actually heard them fly over even though Im sitting in my room. Not sure where they landed though.

I had my coke can (needed my daily caffeine) on the side table then all of a sudden VOOOOOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOOM. I dropped the coke all over the darn floor cuz I was reaching for my cig pack!!! Ughhhhhh...

A coworker of mine was out for a few seconds after the all clear to get her laundry when the last fireworks started. She called me freaking out. She too heard them fly over, while outside. I dont think there will be any nerves left soon. Thats it for now. I was planning to take a shower but ummm I doubt I will do that today. Dont wanna be seen naked, thanks but no thanks...Id rather be in bed smoking a cig while the fireworks start again. Fireworks in the Green Zone...

A Lockdown Free Friday...

2008-03-27T16:13:00.004+02:00

Yup we got hammered again today. I haven’t been myself all day long. Im worried sick about HUBBY. I keep an eye on skype at all times, and if I see the "away" or "Offline" signs, I immeditaely call him to check on him. Yesterday night I kept calling and he wouldnt answer. THAT just freaked me out. I was almost in tears when he finally did answer his damn phone. His excuse "Sorry darling, I forgot it in my room!!!" I gave him a really good piece of my mind then. Men can be soooooooooo friggin insensitive sometimes!!!

HUBBY is by far in a more vulnerable place than mine. I have been telling him to leave but his excuse is “You leave first, then I follow”. Yeah right, I wont fall for that.Two of his fellow coworkers are freaking out and so they may leave very soon. As for here, people have started to resign already. Heck I wont be surprised if people go on R&R and resign from there.

I dunno, I have been here almost three years, but, this feels very different. And I hate to say it out loud but I have a very very bad feeling this time around. I dunno what it is, but its nagging the hell outta me. Weapons used are far more sophisticated and high tech. And the way people are stressing out is stressing MEEEEEEE out. We have been asked to wear our PPE gear at all times when outside the compound. I HATE that stuff!!! I have removed all the protective metal from the vest so I don’t get weighed down. Doesnt serve the purpose but it shuts people up and get them off my back. As for the helmet, I don’t even bother wearing it. I just hang it on my arm for show. But now we have been ORDERED to put the full gear on, UGHHHH…

You can feel the eerie atmosphere all around. Some are opting out to stay in the office during lunch hours just incase they get stuck in the middle of an attack. And those who do go to the dfac can be seen walking at an amazing speed, some even surprised the hell outta me. There are no smiley faces anymore. And when people do try to tell jokes, I find everything so trivial, so stoopid, so meaningless. I have also noticed quite a handful of people squeezing some stress balls. I have started to do the same without even thinking about it. I already screwed one up, three more to go.

My mom called me again today. Before she even said hello, I said “So what is it you saw on the news this time?” Her voice wasn’t the usual. Nothing, she said. Nothing. Just wanted to see if you are ok. Yes mom, Im fine, seriously don’t worry about me. If anything, you should worry about HUBBY. BAAAAAAAAD MOVE!!! Minute I said that, she went off at me, lol. I knew it was coming. Iraqi women, especially the elder ones are known for their bad bad temper and crescendo voice. I held the receiver as far away as I can from my ears, I STILL COULD HEAR HER!!! After a few seconds I heard nothing in the background, I placed the receiver close to my ears again and simply said, OK mom. I also had a few of my Iraqi ex-coworkers who left on the US visa call me to check on me, very sweet of them, I must admit.

Im extremely surprised though that my Iraqi coworkers have actually been coming to work in the past few days, with all the chaos outside. They told me that in many areas all the shops have closed down and there aren’t many people in the streets. At night time they can hear fierce battles going on with gun shuts being fired and mortars being launched.

Every single one of them is saying that this should have happened long time ago. A few also mentioned the fact that they distrust Maliki and his government and this gutsy move is definitely a ploy. I dunno, Im not in the Baghdad streets, so I cant really tell whats going on. Hell I don’t even think the Baghdadi’s themselves know whats going on here. But again, I will re-iterate the fact that Hakeem, Muti, Qaeda and all the other so called militia’s should fight it out, and I pray to god they all get burnt down and sent to hell!!! Wishful thinking I know. As one of my readers, Usama, mentioned in the comments section last post, A lot of people fear that this move is backed by Al Hakeem, ie, Iran. And if Hakeem takes over, then I will definitely forget this place even existed.

Im not in my best of moods. Havent been productive at all. With the Lockdown being announced every other hour, I just cant concentrate. Although today is far better than yesterday. Yesterday was a joke. Every half hour and we had a lockdown. Good thing I didnt dream about it. I have also been thinking that I hate the sirens that go off warning us of an attack. Id rather hear the boom than be warned. Yes weird I know. But that’s how I feel. Anyhow thank God tomorrow is Friday, hopefully I will have my fully waxed legs and can then die stress free :) Its actually a therapeutic exercise, hey, maybe it will help relieve my stress, Yaaaaaaaaay… And lets hope that tomorrow will be free from Lockdowns. Very doubtful, but I can still hope for a nice quiet Friday. A lockdown Free Friday…

Unwaxed Legs & Messy Eyebrows...

2008-03-26T15:49:00.002+02:00

Not sure whats worse? Standing in the middle of the courtyard where you can actually hear the rockets fly above you and then BOOOOM. Or standing in the courtyard with unwaxed legs, thinking shit, I cant let them see my hairy legs if I do get killed!!! Seriously, as trivial as it sounds, I have two big fears of dying in this place. One, the unwaxed legs and two, while standing naked taking a shower. Ughhhh

The attacks have been pretty vigorous lately. And for meeeeeeeeee to admit that, is actually something. During one of those, I was out smoking. There were four others out with me. When the sirens went off, we didn’t really think much of it, but when we heard the booms and things started falling on us, that’s when three of the guys scrammed inside, while I just stood there staring at the sky, holding my cigarette not knowing what to do. The fourth guy then grabbed me and pushed me inside the building. Hmmm, I guess I was in shock. But that didnt stop me from going out for a smoke during lockdowns. Unfortunately I got caught a few times sneaking outside, and got a piece of a few people's minds. Now, everytime a lockdown is announced, I hear my name being called to see if Im inside, UGHHHHHH...

My "Sins" angel is probably having a blast of its own, with all the lies Ive been feeding my parents. Every single time they watch the news and see the black plume of smoke coming from this area, they call me and HUBBY. On Easter my mom asked me to pack my stuff and leave. And she wasn’t joking either. I kept telling her not to believe what the news says and that Im extremely far from whats going on. What else shall I tell her?

She called me again last night, at about 11pm, when Im in one of my rarest deep sleeps. At first I thought the phone was ringing in my dream. Then BAM, it fell from the vibration, so I jolted up. With half closed eyes, I answered. “Where have you been?” My mom shouted at me. We have been trying to call you. You need to pack your things and come back NOW. That’s it, we will not have any of your non sense anymore. Do you hear me? I rolled my eyes, and said in my sleepy voice, hi mom, I miss you too. :)

In my opinion, I am extremely glad this is happening. As in, this cleansing process. This should have happened way back in 2003. But its never too late. About time Maliki took the step. Seriously, although I dislike the guy, but this takes balls to do. And apparently he finally is proving to have some. Now remember he had a good backing from Muti, so to go against Muqtada, says quite a lot. Theres an Iraqi saying “Loo qatil loo maqtool” (Youre either the killer or the killed) It’s the only way to get about this messy situation in Iraq. And I am sooooooooooooooo glad this is going on, I really really am.

I don’t care what others say, but for this place to be “normal” again, it has to go through a spa like treatment. First, just like a Moroccan bath, you scrub the hell out of this place. And I mean really scrub it, identify all the hot spots, and begin the process, until you see the dead cells fall bit by bit. One thing though which kinda worries me, is the strength of the Iraqi Army, and how much it can endure. Im not even sure if we do have a good strong one, since its all been infiltrated.

The Mahdi Militia and the Badr brigade (Hakeems Militia) must have this confrontation as well. Again theres an Iraqi saying “khalee narhum takul 7a6abhum” (ie;Let them fight each other, and kill each other). These two are a big part of the cancer that’s eating Iraq alive. And they both need to be eliminated. That’s my opinion. Is this gonna happen I dunno.

The Iraqis working with us are talking about a revolution. Wishful thinking? Is this the word on the streets? Again, I dunno. Plenty of speculations and rumours are going around. But all of them share the same opinion as I do. They all are saying that this should have happened a long time ago. Are they scared? No, they have been through worse. But they did convey some concerns about Mahdi militias taking over the country. Now THAT, scares the shit out of everyone. Conspiracy theories are being juggled about. Lets hope none of them are true.

Some of my coworkers who have their R&R's scheduled for next week are now trying to leave asap. They dont wanna be caught in the middle. Everyone is fearing the worst. Others are still in shock since the Sunday attacks and seem so out of it. As for me, my R&R is just NOT soon enough. I just cant wait. And although I was planning to start the maintenance procedure a few days before I travel, Ive reconsidered that option since as I mentioned at the start of this post, there is no way in hell Im leaving this life with unwaxed legs. Unwaxed Legs & Messy Eyebrows...

FootNote:Read this interesting article about life in the GZ during the attacks

Five Gruesome Cyclonic Years...

2008-03-19T06:46:00.002+02:00

Ever since my trip ten days ago and the news is filled with bombings there, and bombings here. 80 killed there, and 20 killed here. I feel as if I have jinxed my Baghdad for it to got sucked back again into the tornado of violence. The euphoria of seeing the outside soon evaporated especially when M came twice to me to inform me that the bombing in Al Mansour was in the exact spot we were in, and then the bombing in Tahrir square was also the same spot we were in. His face looked ashen while telling me this. Its as if we survived yet we weren’t even there those days in the first place.

M’s worried face surprised me. For he always told me that its safe. He always told me that the news exaggerates what goes on. But that particular look in his eyes was that of someone in shock, in despair. After he left me, I kept thinking about what he said and the worried tone in his voice. M was always my Richter scale of the outside. So if HE is worried, then WE should get worried too. Its strange cuz after my outing I had decided not to watch news nor read anything on the net, I wanted the good feeling to stay with me for the longest time. But that didn’t last. Every TV channel I was flipping showed news of explosions and killings. Heart wrenching scenes of women in black abbayas mourning the loss of their loved ones while standing in pools of blood. Why, I kept asking myself. WHY? Then it hit me.

After five years, five struggling years, the situation never got better. It really never did. Only thing changed is the people. Yes the Iraqi people started adapting to the current way of life. The bombings, the killings, the kidnappings became a way of life. A normalcy in abnormal circumstances. And that’s the aftermath of five long years of an ineffective battle of winning the hearts and minds. For it is a battle. A battle that has been ever lost.

The bright orange fireworks that invaded the Baghdadi skies in March 2003, was by far the beginning of the end. Just like 9-11, everyone knows where they were at that particular moment. I was in London at the time, stuck to the TV watching in disbelief as my country was being torn apart. I also remember a particular conversation I had with a relative of mine just before war was announced. During that period of time Iraqi Londoners were split in 2 groups. Those with the war and ofcourse those against. In every function I used to attend, whether it was a friend’s birthday, a casual gathering, an engagement, you name it, every Iraqi suddenly became THE KNOW IT ALL politician.

Debates would go on to the early hours of the morning. But to no avail, everyone stuck to their views. It went so far that in some cases, good friends stopped talking to each other, literally. Those pro war; Saddam killed millions, whats another million die for freedom!!!! Those against war; Saddam killed millions, not a single life should be killed for the name of freedom!!! And so on. Oh and ofcourse not forgetting the name calling that started thereafter. You are against the war, then youre a saddamist. Youre with the war then youre a traitor. It really was a no win situation. Oh but there was another group, My Group. The No War No Saddam Group…That didn’t get us anywhere did it?

I was out for dinner with my relatives, in the Mango Tree to be precise. One of the hippest Thai places at the time. Munching through my starters and enjoying the young atmosphere around me, Ali said, we heard you were taking part in the anti war demonstration today. I felt a piece of that butterfly prawn go down the wrong pipe and the coughing bout started. After gulping down some of my three berries juice, I was able to regain my composure and said in a matter of factly manner, yes Ali, I was there. Infact, I was leading a group with my slogans. Why do you ask? Are you a saddamist Neurotica? Cuz if you are against the war, then you sympathize with Saddam and his rule, he said. I smiled, for Ali knows who exactly is my family, and what our views are. Ali, don’t be lame, don’t start that stupid argument. No Im not a saddamist and you know that extremely well, Im an Iraqi, an Iraqi humanist. Is that wrong? Is that a crime? Is that a sin?

No Neurotica, you are wrong. War has to take place. We have to get rid of the scum. We have to free the Iraqi people. I can feel the conversation going sour, sour just like the red plum sauce Im dipping my prawns in. Who is WE Ali? WHO IS WE??? Reason you want this war because you were promised some kinda position. But no Ali, NO. It doesn’t work this way. Iraqis suffered under Saddam, millions died. You want more to die? You want more to suffer?

In the name of freedom, YES. He said. If people need to die to give the rest freedom, YES. They will die for a good cause, he continued. Tears started welling in my eyes. I couldn’t believe how can someone be so inhumane. And if Ali is reading this, he will remember this conversation very well. I was utterly shocked. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to throw up all the prawns and the rice crackers. Then his wife with her fake smile, asked coldly, what do you wanna have for your main course. Do you want Pad Thai or the Stir Fry Prawns? I couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t F* Believe it.

Here we were talking about war and deaths, and she is asking me about the damn main course. I shot her one of my killer looks and said, No Thanx L, Im gonna leave very shortly. Im not feeling too well. Aaaaah poor thing, you shouldn’t go to these rallies, she said. You never know what youre gonna catch. By then, I could feel my forehead veins bulging out. If they weren’t my relatives, I would have definitely thrown the green papaya salad on their faces and walked off. But here, I had to exercise a lot and I mean a lot of PATIENCE. Ali was trying to convince me that war is good. I on the other hand was telling him, Yes I wanna get rid of Saddam but surely there is another way to do that. When I said that many people were gonna die, he used the “smart bomb” excuse. No not many will, they came up with the latest technology. The smart bomb he said. Smart my ass!!!

After a few minutes, I grabbed my coat and got up, thanx for dinner, I said, but I have to leave. Im tired and I need to sleep. L caught my hand, No we will drop you off. No L, I will catch a cab, my house is close. No no really we will drop you. I sat back, for I didn’t want to make a scene. But I was fuming. Fuming inside. I couldnt wait to go back home. That day, the 15th of Feb 2003 was the last day I ever saw them again. I was angry at them, angry at the way of their thinking. Angry how Iraqis can think this way about other Iraqis. And when Saddam’s statue was dragged down, L was the first person to call me. I was crying. I was in shock. She was jubilating. She was having a party. No L, thanks, you guys can have your party, but this aint the end you know. This is definitely not the end.

So No Im not gonna ask if it was worth it, nor am I gonna question the whole war saga and the WMD’s that were never found, nor the unfounded relationship between AQ and Saddam. For there is no point. No point in discussing things that happened already. Im just gonna say this to Ali and all the likes of Ali, especially Bush and rumsfield. I hope and pray to god that you will find forgiveness from all the women that got widowed. Forgiveness from all the children that got orphaned. Forgiveness from every Iraqi that suffered. Not only Iraqis, but all the soldiers that died. Died due to your selfishness. Its one thing to want freedom for Iraqis, its another thing to want people to die in the name of the so called freedom. Saddam was evil, But I never imagined that there were people as evil as he was. I guess I was wrong!

Am I being biased and unreasonable? Yes, Maybe. But all is not lost. For I have seen smiles, and I have seen signs of life in my outing. I no longer will complain. Things will change. Maybe not during my life time. But it will. Five years is nothing. Ten years is nothing. It will take years upon years to get rid of the cancerous cells, and remember cancer can only get cured in stages. Long painful stages. Right now though, I can only hope that maybe my kids, yes my future kids will find a better Iraq, a better Baghdad thirty years from now. Rivers filled with fresh fish instead of corpses. Streets filled with lively green palm trees instead of pools of red blood. And most importantly, houses filled with real love instead of fear. I can dream cant I? I can hope cant I? For without Hope, there is no Life. A year, two, three have passed. Four and five years too. Five Gruesome Cyclonic Years...

An Amazing Baghdadi Day...

2008-03-10T19:37:00.003+02:00

Part 2 of 2

I really didn’t wanna leave that spot in the road. The spot where I was looking at the only house I ever knew here, the only place I ever lived in as a child, here in Baghdad. But M said, Neurotica, we look abit suspicious just parking here, we better leave. I nodded silently to M. As we turned away, I kept staring at its image, until it became a very faint silhouette in the distance. I waved goodbye and in a slight whisper I said “I left you 29 years ago, but I came for you today. Although Im leaving you again today, I will definitely come and see you one day. One day very soon”. And with that we continued our tour of Baghdad.

As M drove on swerving left and right avoiding the uneven street humps passing from one area to the other, he was explaining what each and every area is, and who occupies it, Sunnis there, and Shia’s here, Christians here, and its mixed there, I kept hearing him say. He reminded me of a real tourist guide. Unfortunately his voice began trailing in the background while I kept my eyes wide open trying to engrave every single detail in my heart and my mind. Al Mansour was by far the most happening place. Filled with shoppers, going about on their business.

There were also areas lined up with newly renovated buildings and stores. State of the art designs, but unfortunately as M told me, the owners either fled the country in fear of their lives because of the violence or were actually kidnapped or killed. A whole strip of unoccupied shops. What a pity I said to M. A real pity. Then we passed by a restaurant called Crispy. I loved the floor to ceiling glass windows, reminded me of café’s in Chelsea, London. And no Im definitely not exaggerating. Crispy was filled with families and children enjoying the Friday afternoon. I swear I couldn’t believe my eyes. I turned to M and said, Wow, look at this place, its filled. People are actually out and about. “Yes Neurotica, life goes on, we will not just give up and lock ourselves in our houses. We love life, and we will live it, whether AQ wants us to or not, whether the militias allows us to or not”. I smiled and turned to my little window. My window to the outside. We passed by atleast a dozen cafes. City café was another one, and many many more.

After about 2 hours of being stuck in the car roaming the streets of Baghdad, M asked “aren’t you hungry Neurotica?” “Aha, Im famished, where are you taking me for lunch?” I asked in a cheeky way. “I booked in Saj il Reef”, M replied. “You booked? You actually have bookings here M???” ”Yes, this place gets overly crowded and I don’t want us to stand in line, so I booked for 330. Wowww, I could not wait to see what this place was like. Just before we head that way, there was a small shop M wanted to go to, its called Style and its close to the restaurant.

“You wanna come inside with me?” He asked cautiously. Ofcourse M, ofcourse I wanna come and see. But Neurotica, make sure you don’t slip a few English words here and there ok? Just to tease M, because he gets worked up pretty easily, I said, well, just because you said that, Im gonna ask the shop owner “how much is this please?” in English. A look of horror appeared on M’s face. Noooooo, please Neurotica, no, just don’t say anything ok? I smiled and said Don’t worry M, Im only kidding. The look on his face was just priceless.

Again, if I didn’t know I was in Baghdad, and someone had blindfolded me then removed the blindfold from my eyes, I woulda definitely have thought I was in the middle of a normal toy store in a normal place. The owner had every single Disney character on display (which you can see from the photos in my last post). And without me even thinking, I said “Oh wow!” In English. Then I immediately covered my mouth, bowed my head towards the floor and stood behind M like a child who just broke something and was trying to hide. Don’t you wanna buy anything? M whispered. I shook my head. Are you sure? Look at those mugs, don’t you want one? No M, its ok, they’re in English, had they been Iraqi stuff I woulda definitely bought something. But theyre not.

After Style, we finally went inside the restaurant, Saj Il reef. To say I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me is an understatement. Everyone, every single person, just sat there staring at me. My heart began to thump so bad, I thought I was gonna have an attack. I couldn’t understand why? I mean, I was dressed as normal as can be. Jeans, shirt, jean jacket, and trainers. I felt as if I was some kinda alien who just got dropped in the middle of the restaurant. The nicely dressed waiter approached us and as M told him we made a booking, he took us to the empty table which had a “Mahjooz” (reserved) sign on top of it.

I tried to be normal and took my seat, but people were still staring at me. I whispered to M “Why the hell are they staring? Is there anything wrong? Do I look odd?” M smiled, No Neurotica, its not you, its them. Don’t worry. Just relax. But how could I relax, when I can feel their eyes burning right through me.

We ordered our food, and I sat there leaning my back to the wall, looking all around me. That place was crammed. People were coming in and then leaving because there arent any free tables around. I looked at the people, they were happy people. Young ladies dressed in the latest fashion with make up, large fashionable sun glasses over their heads shielding the hairs from their eyes and large hoop earrings dangling from their ears. Everything and everyone around me looked so colourful, so lively. And most importantly, so NORMAL!!!

I had the urge of taking my cam out and snap hundreds upon hundreds of pictures. I wanted everyone in the world to see that no matter what happens to Iraq, the rockets, the bombings, the assassinations, the kidnappings, there is Always Life. ALWAYS. But unfortunately I did not want to attract more attention than I was. So I just sat there, enjoying the surroundings in utter silence, snapping the pictures in the only way I can, in my head. One by one. A cute couple sitting side by side teasing each other and whispering in each other’s ears, SNAP. A family of elderly parents with their children and their grandchildren, the kids jumping up and down asking for finger. We want finger, they kept saying in a chorus of tiny voices. We want finger (finger=fries), SNAP. A group of young men sipping their teas and laughing at some joke, SNAP. SNAP SNAP SNAP.

After eating the yummiest Iraqi food ever, I started feeling fidgety, I really really needed to smoke. I looked at M munching away his salad, and said to him, Umm M, Im sorry but I REALLY need to smoke. Looking at M after saying the word smoke, I truly believed he was about to choke on the burghul (buckwheat) of the Taboola. I bit my lower lip and said, Yes I know it isn’t really appropriate, can I go and smoke outside though? I think at that moment M regretted the whole idea of taking me out, lol. Poor guy…I looked around and realized that not a single woman was smoking, only the men with them were. Had I been with HUBBY, I wouldn’t have cared and smoked, cuz Im with my HUBBY, but M is a stranger afterall and besides he is a non smoker. Unfortunately, I had to wait until we got in the car. After we were done eating, M paid the bill and off we went.

On our way, I saw teenage girls walking in jeans carrying shopping bags. I also saw covered women shopping at the grocery stalls. One scene though that I will never forget, and unfortunately wasn’t able to take a picture of, was just along one of the roads, I saw a little girl aged probably between 7 or 8, with braided hair shining like gold, pink top and jeans, standing right next to barrels of fuel. I turned to M and said what is this? This is where I buy fuel for my car, it’s the black market fuel he said. I was horrified. Why would a little girl sell it. M explained that the parents use their children because there is no law for impeaching kids, but instead they’d be placed in a juvenile home for a few days then get released. It caught my eye for a reason, how the hell will the little girl be able to carry a barrel that’s twice her weight?

As we got closer to the GZ, I stared at the river, the Baghdadi sun shining its rays on the glistening waves which shined like Swarovski crystals. How can a river so dazzling, so beautiful, so calm, end up being the morgue of thousands upon thousands of decapitated dumped bodies. I looked at the sky, the clearest sea blue sky I have ever seen. How can a sky so gorgeous, so pure, end up being the birthplace of the horrendous shock and awe that ripped the city apart. That changed the whole world???HOW?

My thoughts were cut short as we needed to get out of the car for the GZ checkpoint guards to check for explosives with the sniffer dog. We stood there for about 15 minutes until we were given the ok. And there I was, once again, back in that drabby green zone. I wonder why they called it the green zone in the first place. All its greenery is dead, dull and boring!!! I was extremely devastated that my trip came to an end, but again I knew that one day, one day I will be able to do this again.

I asked M to drop me off abit further down as I did not want any of my coworkers to see me. As I made my way into the compound, I called HUBBY with the adrenalin rush still in full blast and said “guess where I had lunch today?” He named a few places in the GZ, then I said “Nooooooooooooo, I was out. Out in Baghdad”. Needless to say, I wont be sharing the details of how that conversation went, all Im gonna say, it took a bit of a nasty turn. Getting upset is an understatement, HUBBY was flabbergasted with me, bringing up the Karradah bombings of the previous day. Ofcourse, my brother reacted the same way when I told him, and made me promise that I will never ever do it again. I seriously don’t understand what the big deal is or was for that matter. Im back safe and sound, all in one piece. Oh well…

Although on my trip I passed by really bad areas as well, areas filled with destructed buildings, areas with sewage flooding the streets. Haunted street shops with broken windows and destroyed tiles. With all that, with all the destruction that was around with all the trash that was scattered about, Baghdad will always remain a Jewel, A Jewel in my eyes. For I will never forget the 7th of March 2008. 7th of March was truly a day, An Amazing Day in my Life. An Amazing Baghdadi Day...

My Iraqi Childhood Memories...

2008-03-08T17:47:00.002+02:00

PART 1 of 2

He calls me just after I published my Blog post on Friday afternoon. Are we still on? Do you still wanna go? He asks. Yes I said. You suuuuuuure? You havent changed your mind after yesterday’s bombings in Karradah? No M, I still wanna go, Im waiting for you. Ok then, come outside, Im waiting in the car he said. I grabbed my handbag which I carried just for this occasion and walked fast towards the gates. I was trying to be incognito, as I didnt want anyone from work to see me. He stopped his car, and I quickly jumped in.

First thing I did was put the seat belt on, it was a natural reflex I guess. What are you doing? M asked nervously. No, dont put it on Neurotica, we dont use seat belts here, you will definitely look like an outsider if you do. So I immediately unbuckled it and sat back. As we approached the last checkpoint, M looked at me and said, this is it Neurotica, are you sure you still wanna do this? I looked him in the eye and said, M, please, we have planned this for a long time, dont worry about me, Im not scared what so ever, just drive on. He smiled and said ok this is it, this, Neurotica, IS the beginning of the RED ZONE. Welcome, welcome to your home. Welcome to Baghdad. The Real Baghdad. And so my journey began.

I coudnt believe that after almost two years, two years of being inside that gray place, that lifeless dull gray place, Im finally out. I finally got away from the prison of the Twalled green zone to my beautiful beautiful Baghdad. The real Baghdad. And it IS beautiful; I don’t care what anyone else says. As we passed that checkpoint, I took my cam out and as I was about to take pics of the Salhiya buildings, M immediately turned towards me and said, what are you doing Neurotica? Umm taking pics of the streets I said. No, not here, look there are checkpoints just infront, wait until we pass them. Suddenly I felt like a child being scolded. But at the same time, I didnt want M to be in more trouble than he was in already. He is risking his life by taking me out. So, like a good kid, I hid the cam under my scarf and waited eagerly for the right opportunity.

I haven’t told anyone of my plans except L and V. I had to give them HUBBY’s number incase they don’t hear from me by 7 in the evening. I really wanted to tell HUBBY, but I know he woulda freaked out especially after the Karradah bombings on Thursday.

M took me everywhere, from Alawee to Karkh, to Rusafa, to Mansour to Karrada, to everywhere except Adhamiyah (I cant even remember half of the names anymore). And after nearly 29 years, 29 years of just memories, 29 years of just looking at old Polaroid photos, 29 years of nostalgia, I finally saw the house, or I should say what remained of the house I used to live in as a child. My God, a rush of feelings just like a film strip passed afore my eyes. I remembered my room, I remembered my parents room and their Jacuzzi looking bath. I remembered our beautiful red tiled kitchen and the immaculately maintained garden. It was too surreal. It still is surreal after all these years.

I just couldnt believe that here I am in 2008, at 33 years of age, looking at the place where I used to play as a 4 yr old in our garden. Its funny how I can remember all these things. Even my parents get shocked at my childhood memories when I relay to them what I remember. Just staring at the wall of my house was worth this whole trip.

Can we step out M? Can we walk around here? No, its best not to Neurotica, but I will make another U-turn so you can take another look. As M did exactly that, I pressed my nose like a little child against the car window and kept saying, OMG, OMG, this is my house, this is my house M. I felt my eyes well up, I cannot describe in words no matter how much I try what I was going through during these few short moments. Short moments that last a lifetime inmy mind.

I so wished HUBBY was with me. I so wished my parents were with me, I so wished my siblings could see what my eyes were looking at. Although our beautiful house is no longer there, instead its an empty land with rubble stacked up inside of it, yet the beautifully designed arches, one of its kind at the time, miraculously appeared like a hazy mirage before me. That’s all I saw and that’s all I wanted to see. I so wanted to touch it, to feel it. I so wanted to live those memories again. My beautiful childhood memories. My Iraqi Childhood Memories…

To Be Continued…
These are the pics I took yesterday through the window of M's car...
BubbleShare: Share photos - Play some Online Games.

Iraqi Translator's Blog...

2008-03-08T06:31:00.002+02:00

I am happy to announce that Iraqi Translator has finally started a blog. Please visit his site, and give him a warm welcoming and words of encouragement. I think its great that we will finally have an inside look on what goes on in the life of those heroes. They risk their lives because they believed in the cause. Let us see if their hardship finally pays off.

Iraqi Translator, Welcome to the Blogosphere, the Iraqi Blogosphere.

Iraqi Translator's Blog

Eternal Peace...

2008-03-07T12:21:00.001+02:00

Tereza. Tereza was an Iraqi cleaner who always portrayed a happy smile on her face. She would come to my area get on her knees and scrub the floor clean. I always felt ashamed and uncomfortable seeing a lady in her age doing this. I think she was in her early fifties. Whenever I tried to stop her, or tell her its ok, you dont need to do this for me, she always smiled and said “This is my job, I get paid for this” My heart constricts every single time. She always joked around with everyone, and spoke English to all the expats, asking after their family, their children. She truly was very personable.

About two weeks ago or so, I went out to smoke in the courtyard when her colleagues rushed to me and said “did you know what happened to Tereza, did you hear?” I said no what happened. She lost consciousness last night and they took her to hospital. She is suffering from a brain hemorrhage. A brain hemorrhage? I asked, She is too young for that. Yes they replied. Two days later, Tereza passed away. There was a very solemn atmosphere all around us. Everyone knew her, everyone liked her. Everyone is definitely gonna miss her.

And to honour Tereza, and Tereza’s life, everyone, from civilians, to military to contractors, everyone from Americans to Iraqis to Brits, to all the other expats, donated to a fund that was setup to help out her family members. Not only did they donate but a special ceremony was organized to commemorate her life by inviting her husband and 18 yr old son to plant an olive branch tree in remembrance of Tereza and her sacrifices.

One Iraqi expat coworker did try to transfer Tereza to the GZ hospital, the Ibin Sina, but unfortunately the Iraqi hospital refused to release her. Apparently and I did not even know this until a few days ago, an Iraqi hospital will only release patients for them to be looked after in a military one (ie American) if and only if the Ministry of Health will issue a statement that it is not capable of treating the patient due to lack of specialists or proper medication. The lady said that there is no way for the ministry to issue such a statement because that just undermines the Iraqi health system. WHAT A FRIGGIN JOKE. WHAT IRAQI HEALTH SYSTEM? There is virtually none. And so we lost Tereza. But her memory will always remain.

I just loved the way the whole ceremony was organized. It was called “In Celebration of Tereza’s Life”. Iraqi sweets were offered to everyone. After the ceremony, my program manager asked me whether the tree planting and sweets are part of our customs. I smiled and said J, I don’t think you wanna attend any Iraqi funeral, they are far too heart wrenching and draining. And so I told him about how WE do things. It differs from family to family, but mostly its all the same.

Iraqi Muslim Way

When someone dies, a funeral is held and is only attended by the men. Women do not walk in the processions of the burial. Then the men would go to a mosque and pray on the dead person’s soul for god to forgive his sins, and to bestow his blessings upon him. After that, usually three days are appointed for the mourning family members to receive condolences from people. These are either done in a house, or a mosque. Women and men are segregated from each other. A cleric will be present reciting Quranic verses. And if no cleric is available then a CD or tape of Quranic verses is played.

Really dark black coffee is served all day long. There are no sweets, there is no food. Except on the third day, which usually is the last day, a huge banquet of food will be offered to honour the deceased.

In the olden days, you’d be able to hear the women’s wails miles and miles away. Its all so sad and heart wrenching. That’s why I tend to always avoid going. I get far too emotional, so I usually give my condolences over the phone. But some people keep count of who attends and who doesn’t. In our culture its an obligation to attend, its sort of a respect thing towards the deceased and his/or her family. And sometimes, it becomes a tit for tat situation. Where if you didn’t attend one person’s funeral, then if god forbid someone in your family passes away, then that family member would say, well so and so didn’t attend my uncle’s funeral why should I go to theirs, etc.

Depending on preferences, sometimes the women will hold weekly gatherings to accept condolences from people who couldn’t attend the 3 official days. Then comes the 40th day after the death which will also be a day of remembrance. And no we don’t go planting trees, nor do we send flowers. Here is a site I found by googling Islamic Funerals. A very interesting read.

Tereza was an Iraqi Christian lady and Im not really sure how the Iraqi Christians do it. Maybe someone reading this post can tell us. Im very curious to find out. As for Tereza, may her soul rest in peace. And may all the innocent Iraqis who lost their lives as well, may THEIR souls rest in peace... Eternal Peace…

The GZ Blues...

2008-03-04T09:16:00.008+02:00

This is gonna be one yucky post, as its been fermenting since Thursday and I just wanna let it out. So if you don’t wanna know about whats going on at work then stop reading now cuz I know you have probably OD’d on my whining and complaining, but things have reached a newer high, or is it a low?

Ive been saying more goodbyes than hellos lately. The work environment has become far too stressful with people getting the boot left right and center. Good people mind you. But I realized that the American Bureaucracy here is just as bad as the Iraqi one. Infact its becoming a laughing stock among the Iraqis working with us.

B, an Iraqi engineer, said “And we always criticized OUR people on how they employ ONLY THEIR relatives, friends and family members, but look at the Americans. Look at those people who claim to bring democracy and freedom. They are just as bad if not worse” I said “B, I think this should be their mantra “Its not WHAT you know, its WHO you know”. He shook his head in disgust.

Yes its true. Upper Management has no clue what so ever on how to manage this multi billion program. You would think they’d learn from their predecessors mistakes, but it seems they can care less whether they succeed or not. And that for me is a real shame. Then they wonder why does SIGIR or any inspector criticizes the progress of the reconstruction program. Ofcourse they give excuses like the short turnaround of US govt personnel, which did contribute to some of the difficulties we had BUT that doesnt mean that these huge US corporations arent responsible for their OWN mistakes. And there are MANY of those.

I look around me, and all I see a majority of incompetent people put in program management positions. People who have no degrees, no qualifications. People who back in the States were working in fast food restaurants, or supermarkets. I swear to god I am not kidding you. People who probably never dreamt to see 4 figure numbers in their bank account let alone SIX!!! And no, theres nothing wrong with these professions, but please, don’t put them in charge of a billion dollar program just because theyre your friends or the husband of your sister’s friend’s sister!!!

We as in people working here, from Iraqis, to Brits to Americans themselves, realized that you don’t need experience to manage this program, you don’t need an education, oh no. All you need is knowledge of 1- putting power points together and 2- using the sum function in excel sheets. That’s all you need to do to be considered here. Forget the 20 years plus of field engineering, or the 15 years plus of accounting. These mean nothing. Nothing at all. Theres a saying in Iraqi “Nag3a wishrab mayya” which simply translates into, drench it and drink its water, cuz all your certificates, all your degrees come up to one useless pile.

Im extremely upset. And its not just me, even some of the good hardworking Americans, like L and V. As well as my friends the aussies J and F. We are disgusted at how people are getting treated here. Take this example. T an Iraqi Expat, came in to the office on Thursday Morning, only to find the HR guy telling him that he will be flying outta here on Sunday. T was confused. Flying where he asked. The mean horrible HR said, home. You are going home T. T just stood there having no clue what the hell is going on. He went to his supervisor, and all the supervisor said was, Yeah sorry T, but you were let go. Don’t ask me why. That’s the way it is.

T came barging to my area and said “Neurotica, Im leaving. My last day here is Sunday.” Im like yeah yeah, sure. He said “No Neurotica Im serious. They’ve booked my flights home.” I got sooooooooo angry that I started swearing and cursing everyone I knew. HOW COULD THEY DO THIS? HOW. I didn’t understand. I still don’t. T had only two days to pack all his belongings. He managed to ship the majority on Friday. And although T lived and worked half of his life in the States, he, just like HUBBY says he has never ever encountered such ignorant, stupid, uneducated people in all his stay in the US like he has encountered here. “Where did these people come from Neurotica? My wife is an American for god’s sakes, my business partner is an American, my bestfriends are Americans, but they are smart people. Smart, educated and well mannered. I laughed. I laughed and said, welcome T, welcome to the world of Iraqi reconstruction. Welcome to the REAL world.

So T left. And J is leaving us too. J submitted his resignation because he couldn’t deal with the ignorance surrounding him. As for me, Ive started job hunting, Yaaaaaaaaaaay. Seriously does anyone know of companies in the Emirates, or Iraq or even Jordan looking for someone with a BSc in Maths and a Masters Degree in Investment Management? I have experience working with NGO’s like the IOM plus I have worked in consultancy firms. If you do know any companies send me the details. Journalism is also something Im very much interested in. I WILL DO ANYTHING. Please help me get outta here. PLEASE!!! But Im also interested to know What YOU think I should do??? Shall I stick it out? or shall I leave?

I feel that a moment of insanity, or maybe sanity, will come very soon where I will just pack my stuff including my 35 pairs of shoes, hand in my resignation and get the hell outta here, but I sure do need a job to do that. I will go crazy if I dont work, Im a certified workaholic. Although truth to be told, I was never mistreated by management, on the contrary, but I cant take the BS that’s happening to the people I know, and care for. I just cant. Only reason keeping me here, is a psychological one. Cant leave HUBBY. Even though he isnt with me in the same city, I feel more at ease being somehow closER. As crazy as it sounds, but hey I am Neurotic afterall. But Ssshhhh, don’t want any potential employers to know that do we now ;)

I woke up to a bleeding nose this morning due to the dust storm we had AGAIN last night. And right now I have the blues. The GZ Blues…

Footnote: For those who asked me questions and details about this particular post, I will say this here and now, under the confidentiality disclaimer that I have signed, Im bound to keep my mouth shut. And no, Im not the type that would name names so I can climb the ladder of popularity on the acocunt of others. I have my ethics and my principles. This blog is my venting space. The only venting space I have...

Happy Birthday to the bestest HUBBY...

2008-03-01T21:47:00.004+02:00

Today is a special day for me. The first of March marks HUBBY’s Birthday. I was supposed to pay him a surprise visit but unfortunately I realized things aren’t THAT easy when it comes to travelling in Iraq. So instead, I planned a surprise birthday party via skype!!! I got a slice of cake from our Dfac and borrowed a candle from a coworker so I can blow it out for him on the webcam while singing the Marilyn number.

After I got back from dinner, I immediately logged on, lit the candle, called him, started the video and sang for him. He was very surprised but unfortunately very pre-occupied with his work problems which kinda bummed me out. I had to stop midway through the song cuz I started crying and I didn’t want him to know. I forced myself to recover within seconds, continued the song, then asked him to make a wish and I blew the candle on his behalf. We had to wrap it up real fast cuz he was expecting a conference call. A few minutes later though he decided to call me again and apologize. But I guess, no matter how much he tried to cheer me up, no matter how much he apologized, it just didn’t work. It didn’t work cuz I miss HIM A LOT. I miss him and needed him here with me today out of all days.

Its amazing though how a year passes so fast, yet the days seem to pass ever so slowly. It was only last year on a crispy afternoon, I gathered about 20 of our Iraqi friends and took them over to HUBBY’s work for a surprise party. And a surprise it definitely was. I coordinated everything with a coworker of his. Asked him to keep HUBBY busy while we slowly and silently climbed the stairs from the outdoor steps and got into the living room. We then waited for HUBBY to open the door and we all jumped and sang Happy Birthday to him. The look on his face was just priceless. He had that boyish smile of shyness which I totally adore. I had also ordered two yummy cakes and was afraid it wouldn’t be enough, cuz silly me, I didn’t account for HIS coworkers, lol. But thankfully, everything worked out perfectly. Infact HUBBY said it was the best Birthday he has ever had.

All of a sudden I had this urge of looking at last years photos. As I was flicking through the pictures staring at the smiley faces, sadness struck me. There we are, HUBBY and I in the garden, surrounded by S, D, E, A, H, Z, A, Z, H, A, O, M, Z, L, Z, K, W, A, A, M. Then I realized that out of everyone in that picture, Im the only one that has remained here. All the Iraqis have gone to the States, and as for HUBBY, well, he aint here with me anymore.

Anyways, its late, and Im tired. Tired and sad. Sad and extremely lonely. But Im gonna make sure that next year on the 1st of March, we will definitely be celebrating together. Celebrating and blowing the candles somewhere real far from here. Somewhere nice, nice and peaceful. And if Im really lucky, I would like to blow the candles while carrying his children (Yeah I want triplets all in one go ;) ). Our Children. But for now, Happy Birthday to the bestest HUBBY...

The Strange Stockholm Syndrome...

2008-02-28T17:07:00.002+02:00

There’s no doubt you learn new things every single day. Today I learnt a new expression which I never knew existed; Stockholm Syndrome. I found it while reading this horrific article on aol (which has nothing to do with Iraq) during my lunch break. Then all of a sudden it hit me. I realized that almost all Iraqis suffer from this Stockholm Syndrome. Is there a cure?

I mean check these pictures out. Iraqis cheering for Saddam, Iraqis cheering for Muti, ooops meant Muqtada, Iraqis cheering for US troops. Make your minds up people. But then again, we WERE called by Imam Ali ya ahl al Iraq, ya ahl il shiqaqee wal nifaq, which simply translates to: Oh people of Iraq, people of factionalism and hypocrisy! There are many who misuse these words and say it against the Shia’as only, but infact I believe this statement is true for ALLLLLLLLLLL Iraqis. Yes myself included. That’s the truth, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a big fat liar.

Actually to be even more honest, ALL ARABS are like that. Cheering and hailing their sadistic leaders. Giving them excuses, yeah theyre bad people, BUT. And there's always that BUT which messes the whole sentence up. No wander we can never live in democracy. We cant live it cuz we dont understand it. Yeah sorry, Im in that kinda mood right now. Mood Noir.

Im sick and tired of playing the blame game. I really am. The problem, the problem is us (east) not them (west). THAT IS THE TRUTH that no one wants to fess upto. We have a problem and its called PRIDE. It comes in all shapes and sizes. And that by itself is a problem. A problem that lies deep within us. My only consolation is, I already am seeing people speaking out loud, making their voices heard. It may be a minority, but still, one day they will be heard.

Thats all I have for today. We are a nation suffering from many syndromes. Pride Syndrome, Hypocrisy Syndrome, Narcissim Syndrome, and this.The Strange Stockholm Syndrome...

Eeenee Meenee Mynee Mo...

2008-02-26T17:02:00.001+02:00

He asked me who do I support, Obama? Clinton? McCain? I looked at him puzzlingly. I don’t give a damn I said. His facial features cringed into that of a man in his 80’s. Became all wrinkly and red. Its as if I had just kicked him in the you know what and told him to F OFF. Whats the big deal if Im not interested in who becomes Iraq’s next slayer? Is that a crime? Politics is a dirty dirty game, besides, what difference is it gonna make on WHO wins? They all have similar agendas towards Iraq if not the same. All roads lead to Rome as the saying goes or is it Baghdad now? So yeah, unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I can actually care less.

I guess that answer didn’t deter him from continuing. Maybe he was bored and needed someone to talk to. Yeah I think that’s what it is. He continued, Obama is black you know. I rolled my eyes waiting for the next big revelation. If Obama becomes president, that’s a first you know. That’s definitely a first in my life time you know. But you know, its interesting you know that you don’t care you know? I was gonna start pulling at my hair if he didn’t stop using the “you know” all the time. I managed to fake a smile, wow, never thought I had that gift before, and said ok, lemme ask YOU this. You have been here as long as I have, who is the Iraqi PM at the moment?

Al Maliki ofcourse, he said immediately with the smuggest smile on his face. It was as if he just answered to the question of “whats 67890 multiplied by 3456” in 30 seconds. Very good, I said. Now what religious group is Maliki affiliated to? Smug smile disappeared and was substituted by a frown. Then the smile reappeared and he said I know that, he is affiliated to that guy, Muta. I cracked up laughing at the name. Hmmm, Muta, it does suit Muqtada doesn’t it. Had he said Muti, I woulda definitely fell off my chair, cuz Muti is slang for stupid. It actually means a baby donkey in Iraqi.

Anyhow, after I recovered my composure, I said sorry, wrong answer. Although close, but wrong. And so the point Im making is, if YOU don’t know about MY country’s politics, why SHOULD I, be interested in yours? I only said that to get on his nerves and make him regret talking to me in the first place. Well, no, no, you should care, he said. I shook my head, look, be it Obama, McCain, or Clinton, they are ALL the same for me. Be it a black man, a white woman, or a yellow transvestite, I don’t care. I honestly don’t cuz at the end of the day, none of them can fix whats broken. And Iraq IS broken. If they pull the troops, we are doomed, if they keep the troops we are doomed. Solution is not in their hands anymore. It used to be one day, but they missed that train. They either missed the train, or they skipped the train, Im still debating that with myself.

The solution is with none other than the Iraqis themselves. Surge or no surge, it stopped making a difference. Kinda like making chocolate mouse. Key ingredient is using COLD CREAM. If you use room temperature cream instead, no matter how much you beat it, it will never end up as fluffy as the cold cream, hence you end up with something other than mousse, more like a pudding. So no, Im not gonna lose any sleep over the elections. He sipped his green bean coffee, shook his head and walked away. Yaaaaaaaay, finally...

And by the way that’s not just MY opinion, ask any “ordinary” Iraqi working with me about the US elections, they will simply tell you they don’t really care. All they want is for their Iraq to become whole again. Bush Senior, messed us up. Bill Clinton, messed us up. Bush Junior F’ed us up. I wander whose turn is it next. Eenee Meenee Mynee Mo…

To Tease or Not To Tease...

2008-02-24T13:30:00.006+02:00

Im writing this post (I know I shouldnt be doing it at work, but...) out of sheer boredom. Im at work, its 1430 and Im already done with my tasks (maybe I should stop being efficient) so here I am sitting staring at the screen counting down the five hours remaining until I go to my room. Visited every website I can find for shoes, must have scoured tens of thousands of them already, yeah Ive told you before, I AM A CERTIFIED SHOE ADDICT. Maybe they should start courses at universities just for shoes. I would be the first one to enroll, hehe.

Im supposed to be researching for our next vacation which most probably will be sometime in April. Our Four year anniversary is sometime in that month, so we were thinking of either spending it with family or going somewhere new for a few days. That WAS the plan a few weeks ago. But with HUBBY, there is no such word as “Plan” in his dictionary, no sireee. Here are some of the conversations we had regarding the subject.

Conversation #1 (A few weeks ago)
Me: Umm HUBBY, I need to give in my R&R request to have it approved. When do you wanna go?
HUBBY: Upto you sweetie
Me: Ok, how about April?
HUBBY: Upto you sweetie

Ok, now when someone tells you its upto you, you take it as IT IS UPTO YOU, right?

Conversation #2 (A week ago)
Me: K HUBBY, now that we agreed on the dates, where do you wanna go this time?
HUBBY: When did we agree on the dates?
Me (Rolling my eyes while chatting with him): Last week, remember? You said its ok if we leave in April.
HUBBY: Hmm, Im not sure honey, I need to see whether my coworker will be here
Me: Fine, find out for me and tell me. But where do you wanna go this trip?
HUBBY: How about Greece and Cypress?
Me: Oh that’s nice, ok, a week there and the rest in AD with my family
HUBBY: Yeah, sounds good

There I go researching flights, hotels, things to do etc…

Conversation #3 (A few days ago)
Me (utterly excited): Hey HUBBY, guess what, we’re gonna have so much fun in Greece, the weather is perfect at that time. Im soooooooo excited
HUBBY: Who is going to Greece???
Me: HUH? WE ARE!!!
HUBBY: When?
Me: OH MY DEAR GOD, ON OUR FRIGGIN ANNIVERSARY!!!
HUBBY: Anniversary? Isnt that in April???

And so the saga continues…Why do I even bother. I know he does it on purpose to tease the hell outta me. He does that all the time just like the other day. I call him up on Friday and as usual, took me ages before I was able to get through. And when I did:

Me: Hi Habeeby, are you ok? Any fireworks at your end?
HUBBY: Hi sweetie, yeah we did have a few earlier.
Me: But youre ok thank god
HUBBY: Yeah Im fine don’t worry, how about you? Where are you?
Me: Im in the room, Im taking the day off again
HUBBY: Oh yeah (says it with a cheeky tone)
Me: Aha, I just wanna relax and do nothing
HUBBY: So what you doing right now?
Me: Im in bed
HUBBY: You dressed?
Me: Nope
HUBBY: I cant hear you
Me: NO, Im not Dressed!!! (I repeat with abit of a high voice)
HUBBY: I still cant hear you, geez the lines are so bad, can you talk abit more louder
Me: NOOOOOOOOOO I AM NOT DRESSED (saying it with the loudest crescendo of a voice that I had)

Until I realized HUBBY was chuckling in the background!!! AND I THE FOOL FELL FOR IT!!! I was soooooo ready to strangle him had he been infront of me. But you still love me don’t you? He asks still chuckling…You’d think Id learn his antics after all these years, but I fall for it every single time. That’s one of the many attributes I love about him, his light heartedness and his constant teasing. I guess it balances out my seriousness and short temper especially in this Twalled prison.

So, do YOU have that tease effect or does your other half have it? Hmmm, To Tease or Not to Tease…