A few days ago I was searching on Google about souls and I somehow ended up on my blog. I started reading the words that I have written long ago and for some odd reason I couldnt seem to remember any of it. But reading it made me crave writing again. Something I havent done for almost a year. I do write, but its all in my mind. I can see words floating around whenever I close my eyes. But I guess I was too scared to put them on paper, too scared that my words wont make any sense. Wont make any sense to me.
But today, today I am writing. I am writing for selfish reasons. Today Im writing because I feel alone. I feel alone and I need someone, something to soothe me. Today Im writing because just 3 weeks ago, I lost my mother. I lost my mom 22 months after losing my dad. Today Im writing because Im in pain. A pain that doesnt seem to want to go away. A pain that is so so deep, even time wont be able to heal it. My parents werent that old. No. Not at all. My parents were so energetic and fun. So loving and caring. My parents were so beautiful. Beautiful and young at heart. But now, now they are both gone. Gone, leaving behind them four children that are in utter and utmost shock.
My mom fought like no one I knew or will ever know. My mom fought because in her own words when she was asked whether she was scared to die, she said no. No Im not scared to die, but Im scared for my children. My children who are still suffering from their dad's passing. I dont want my children to suffer she said. I dont want my children to suffer for me. Yet she suffered. Suffered for us. She tried so hard. So hard to stay alive. She was poked, poked and prodded until her body became like a canvas of blackness. I never wanted to be there when she was leaving but good thing I was. Good thing we all were.
As the angel of death was taking her soul away, she looked at each and everyone of us. She looked at us for one last time. The very last time...Aaaaakh ya mama. Aaaaakh Ishgad mishtaqatlich. I miss you. I miss you so much. People dont know what to say to us anymore. They tell us that their words wont make a difference. They tell us that we have to go on with our lives. Surely we will, but it wont be the same. Wont be the same without you both.
Yes Im writing. Im writing today because there are no more tears left in me. No more tears to soothe my pain. Im writing today because there is nothing left. Nothing left but words. Words that are shrouded. Shrouded in Black....
posted by neurotic_wife at 11:55 AM