neurotic Iraqi wife
September 23, 2008
The Painful Present...
Work has been especially hectic. One report after the other, and its non stop. I guess its all because of the new General. Its funny, every time a new Gen takes command, reports have to be done to explain every single reconstruction effort from 2003 upto now. Then ofcourse you have to brief them of the problem childs and the path forward. With every new person, they have a new vision.
They come here with big ideas, thinking that they will be able to fix everything, lol. We give them about a few weeks until they settle in and realize the sad reality. But in the meantime, its reports and information galore. I have also been offered to stay working for the same company, doing the same thing from home. It kinda took me aback when the Big Boss suggested it.
Im not complaining at all, but it sure will be a challenge simply because Im used to the fast pace here and I always tend to nag people to get the information I need. Whereas Im away, people will probably think they can get away, but I warned them, if I don’t get what I need on time, then I will be calling them up every 5 mins. Yeah HUBBY sorry, you will have to pay for these phone bills, hehe. I called my parents up to tell them of the good news and to warn them of any expectations they have of me once I get back.
But Umm dad, theres something I need to tell you
Dad: What is it?
Me: Ummm, well, although I will be coming back home, I just want to let you know, that I am NOT, and I repeat, I am NOT going to be attending any family obligations. No weddings, no funerals, no lunches, no dinners. NOTHING
(There was silence)
Me: Hello? Dad? You still there?
Dad: Yes, so tell me whats new? You never liked going out in the first place. You never do.
Me laughing: I know I know, but I just wanted to make sure and reiterate the point. I will spend time with YOU, my immediate family, but don’t expect me to see relatives, cousins etc. I am in no mood for small talk, or for smiling pretending to be happy all the time, its just not in me.
Dad: Just come here and don’t worry.
His words put a large smile on my face. Yes dad, I will come soon, I thought to myself. In fact you will probably get so fed up of me that you probably will pack my bags for me yourself and send me back here, hehe.
Although Im looking forward to going back to AD, Im certainly not happy that HUBBY will remain here. YES. Im leaving ALONE. He is staying!!!I know right? It doesn’t make sense. But I just cant hack it anymore. I really cant. Two days ago, I was clearing a few papers in my room, when it hit me. It hit me that I wont be here next week. Everyday now is my last day in Iraq. So I sat on my bed hopeless. I placed my hand under my chin and started thinking. Thinking of whether I can stay here until the end of the year. OMG. Just the thought, the thought itself felt like a huge Twall just dumped on my shoulder. Yup, THAT heavy. I just cant.
And I know, Im gonna go back to 4 years ago, when Id stress out about the whereabouts of HUBBY if I don’t hear from him. I cant imagine reliving those moments AGAIN!!! Thats what started this blog in the first place!!! At the same time, I don’t have any energy left in me to nag him. I seriously don’t. Im kinda fed up with this whole situation. And you know whats worse? Whats worse is he says he is fed up too, but he has to stay. Stay and see the end of his project. Im doing it for the people, Neurotica, You have to understand.
Yeah I guess I have to, but I never will. But, life goes on. That’s what I learnt. I refuse to live in the past, nor live in the future. But, I will live in the present. The Painful Present…
September 20, 2008
Thanks for your sponsorship of the orphans, I'm sure all the seeds you plant will come fruits.
XXXX told me about you and my pleasure to know you and work with you to help the Iraqi Orphans. My name is xxx I'm the Director of G.I. ORG. Baghdad Office, Iraq
As you know the continuing wars & terrorism in Iraq have left deep and painful scars in the memory of the Iraqi People, there is not a body or soul untouched in Iraq, the wars made deep wounds that have been part of our soul, so they can never be forgotten and women, Children are the victims, we decided to help our people and our nation, through out helping the widows and the children.
I'm working with G.I. Org. in this program of sponsoring the orphans at the orphanges supported by G.I. Org. I'm working with 3 orphanges the first one is Bait Al-Toufil orphanage at Karada District we have 50 boys Ages from 7-up to 18 years old. The other orphanage for girls is St. Hanna Orphanage at Karada District we have 64 girls Ages from7-20, also we have Zafaraniya District we help the orphans and displaced widows immigrated from south of Iraq owing to the hard situation of Security and the sectarian wars they lost the parents, Families, homes and they were in bad situation, each widow have 6 or 7 kids without money and home. I.G.Org. works hard to support them.
Also G.I. Org. extending the assistance for ( Dar Annyah) Karada District, this house have 40 disabled ladies we providing them with medicial care, clothing, and other supplies. I hope our work will be avery positive and very helpful, I have 2 Orphans for you to sponsor:
The first Orphan: Ahmad 9- years old ( Bait Al-Toufil Orphanage) he had lost his parents in the explosion in Dora District last year and had 3 sisters : Zainab 6 years old, Fatima 12 years old and Maryam 8 years ol, She lives with her 2 sisters in the Garage very old and narrow with her grandmother at Abou Nawas Street and they have nothing, so I want you to sponser Maryam.
She asked me to take her with her sisters to St.Hanna Orphanage but the problem is with the grandmother she is very old and they connot leave her alone in the street, I'm planning to take Maryam to St.Hanna Orphanage, though it is very hard to seperate the girls. Maryam 8 years old she is nice with full smile on her face always she is happy.. and have hope for the future...!!
On the day of the explosion she was with her family and she survived and founded by the Iraqi Police she had serious burns on her legs & arms and she stayed one month at the hospital with her grandmother. Now she is in great need of help,
Thanks again for your assistance and may the Al-Mighty God bless you.
~End of Email~
So please make their life worthwhile. Let them taste the true meaning of the word. I dont want to ever see this image again.
We may not be able to alter the political situation, but at least, we can alter some lives. Maybe not all, but a few. This cause is very very close to my heart, I hope it is to yours. Please spread the word...
September 18, 2008
A Pure and Honest Honour...
I continued walking and sat on my chair to do my work. I looked around, I see the CG (Commanding General) in our area, talking to our Sector Lead, like he always does. I didn’t think much of it. Two minutes later, I noticed a movement from the side of my eye. Again didn’t think much of it. UNTIL. Until they were all standing next to my desk. I looked up and saw the General with a serious frown and then he said “Has anyone read your rights to you young lady?” To say I was scared shitless, will be an understatement. In all my three years, and the one year under this General, these were his first words ever to me. My first thought was Oh Shit, they found out about my blog. I just stood up, and looked as confused as ever. Then the Director of Programs said “You have broken the law, you know you cant smoke here, don’t you?”
Hmm, at that point, although relieved cause its not about the blog, I knew something was fishy. So I simply looked straight at him and said “No, I don’t”. He then broke into smiles, and so did the General, and there, the General opened his hand, and handed me the Coin of Excellence. WOW. The General rarely does that for contractors, and he rarely comes to someone’s desk and hands them the coin. Thanks to the Big Boss, and my utmost thanks goes to MY Boss for asking to recognize my efforts (Thank you). I am ever so grateful for their belief in me.
But when the moment of truth came by, Me, Neurotic Iraqi Wife, the woman that can go on talking forever and give headaches to people all over the world, to her family and friends, and ofcourse her husband, at that moment, I was utterly SPEECHLESS! Not a single word that I have learnt since childhood came out of these lips except the words Thank You. Bloody hell.
You cannot understand how stupid I felt. Really Stupid. During all that, my mind was going “What IS WRONG WITH YOU, SAY SOMETHING ELSE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” And the words Thank you, just kept popping up. OH MY GOD. But then I finally managed to say how I really felt; that it was an honour for me to be here in my own country because I believe it’s the duty of every Iraqi to try and do something, as little as it may seem. Phew.
I seriously don’t think I deserve this coin, but instead, I believe that this coin should be dedicated to all those who lost their lives in the name of this country. First and foremost I dedicate it to all the innocent Iraqi martyrs whose blood is still running deep. Deep within these rivers. And ofcourse, I also dedicate it to the coalition forces and the multi national forces who may not have sacrificed their lives because they “love” us, but they sacrificed their lives in the name of their own country. And to me, to me all those who sacrificed their lives for THEIR country is the epitome of ones honour. A Pure and Honest Honour…
The Faces of Innocence...
The other day, the govt’s spokesman, Ali Al Dabbagh, was on TV and had the nerve of saying “We don’t need America’s money to rebuild Iraq, we have enough Iraqi money” O…H….M….Y….G….O….D!!!! And although my shoes are so so dear to me, I couldn’t help but grab my trainers and threw it with all my might at his face!!!UGHHHHHHHH. Wish it was for real!
For the love of God, whose money is it that was spent the last five years? Planet Mars’s Money? We KNOW Iraq is a rich country, we don’t need someone like you to tell us. Funny how they say that so lightly yet many of the Iraqis live in poverty. So Mr Ali, can you show us the Money please? Or is it sewn so deep in your pockets that you cant reach it!!! Ok, don’t show us just use the friggin money to benefit the people. Your people that you so care about.
Im telling you, these people are in denial big time. They need to be institutionalized for mental and psychological problems. Either that, or they suffer from really bad amnesia! Maybe we need to get them some memory pills as a Eid present, will that do the trick? Or how about Microsoft or Sony (Im outta touch with the latest play station gadgets) come up with a game, or more like a movie, which shows the timelines and events that took place. Each govt personnel will sit in an isolated chamber with a headset, and one of those 3D glasses and watch what REALLY happened, and WHO spent all the money on the rebuilding! Seriously now, I mean COME ON!!!
I am so damn angry. Really! Apart from the news that keep getting on my nerves, I have also been following this Iraqi series called the “Pasha”. Yeah I was done with Nour (Turkish Soap Opera), and now its Nouri! It basically is a story about Nouri Al Saeed’s life and the British Occupation. It amazes me how 90 year old events are repeating themselves. Its true what they say, History really does repeat itself. The same dilemmas, the same mentality.
You would think after all the advancement the world has evolved into, Iraqis would learn. But NO. We cant learn from the past. It’s a sin to go for something new. It’s a sin to put the Iraqi people’s welfare above everything. How can we. It goes against all our principles! We just love to relive events time and time and time AGAIN. That’s the way we are, We suffer from OCD. Yeah that’s exactly it!!!
Maybe I should quit writing for awhile, because I feel I have become like a broken record. Either that, or maybe I should boycott the news. What do you think? Ofcourse frustration has to be followed by something even better! SUFFOCATION! Yaaaaaaay. We were inundated with a 3 day long dust storm. Certainly something I will NOT miss once I leave here. We barely were able to breathe! I wonder how my insides look if I go for a full check up?!? Doubt I wanna do that. My mom told me, that before I set foot in their house and give her a kiss on the cheeks, I should 1- go see a Dr to check my mental state (LOL) and 2- go to a full cleansing clinic that will spray me with antibacterial cleanser incase I acquired filthy diseases! She just makes me laugh. I love my mom.
Oh and to top all the above, you know how badly Im trying to avoid farewells etc. Well what to do you say when MY Boss, ORDERED me to be available for the monthly hail and farewell ceremony they hold for their employees. HE ORDERED ME!!! Its in a few days, so Im trying to come up with a very cheeky plan. Something along the lines of eating raw defrosted piece of fish which will guarantee me a bed in the clinic!!! With that I will be killing two birds with one stone. One, get poisoned and will not be available on THAT day, and TWO make my mom happy cause my insides will be cleansed out!!! Yaaaaaaaay. I knew I am smart…hehe. If anyone has better ideas, then please do share, I need all the help I can to get out of it!
One final note, its been a great struggle for me to find one good NGO, that I can trust so I can donate money which I KNOW and am SURE will benefit the Iraqis, especially the orphans in Iraq. A few weeks ago, we received a newsletter of this website, Generation Iraq, I immediately got intouch with one of the ladies who is based in the US, and she was extremely forthright and helpful. I can safely say, the money will go to a good cause because they have people HERE, here on the ground.
Please, if you feel you can give away $35 a month or even more to sponsor an Iraqi orphan then get intouch with them. It is for a good cause. I will never ever forget the images of these boys that were deprived of the basics of life that were left struggling, starved to death. NEVER. I will leave here, knowing that although I didn’t build schools, bridges, etc, I atleast managed to put a smile on a few Faces. The Faces of Innocence…
September 12, 2008
Their Filthy Blooded Hands...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???People wrote to me telling me Im being too harsh on the Iraqi govt in my post "The blatant Neurotic Iraqi Truth". HARSH??? I dont think I was harsh enough. I dont think there are words that can describe my anger, my frustrations, my disappointment in this seriously deranged govt. No, there arent any words except curse ones and I will keep those to myself.
Dont you see anything wrong with this picture? I think they have truly lost it. Lost all sanity. They left aside all other important issues, and they concentrate their efforts on changing the flag AGAIN!!! Please tell me, agree with me here. I really cannot fathom their states of minds. What kind of humans are they? People are dying from the Cholera in Babil and Missan, and these fools tried their best to hide these facts. They forbid any journalists to take pictures or write about the deaths thats overwhelming these districts. WHY??? Is a piece of cloth that hangs behind them in darn interviews more important than Iraqis lives??? God dammit!!!
Im sorry, but this is seriously too much for me right now. When the flag first changed after removing the stars because they said it represented Saddam's Baath, no one was happy. They also used the excuse of pleasing our Kurdish partners. What partners? In every single interview shown on TV with a Kurdish politician, there was NO sign of the new flag. NOTHING. Instead they had their own Kurdish one. I mean cmon, who are they trying to fool here.
Come November and they want to change it? Why and what for? Why cant they concentrate on the real issues here? None of the Iraqis I know that work with me even paid attention to the new one. All of them still have the old ones above their desk, including yours truly. Thats the flag I knew all my life, and thats the flag I will take with me to my grave. But the issue here, the real issue is, this govt is making a fool of itself. In fact they ARE fools. Ughhhhhhh...
The saddest part of all this is, these people are here to stay. Elections or no elections, its not gonna make a difference. I asked all the Iraqis whether they will be voting, majority replied with a NO. "What for Neurotica? We voted last time and look where it got us" I said but you have to vote to take these poeple out. One laughed and said "Neurotica, who are we fooling here? these are worse than Saddam, no one can take them out. I will not waste my time Neurotica"
I am too angry to write more. I wish with all my heart Obama wins and all the troops leave very soon. VERY SOON. I cant wait to see that day. Maybe then and only then the govt's sanity will return. That is if they had sanity to begin with. All the money theyre getting from their Oil exports is ending up in their pockets. Not a single Iraqi saw the gains. They fool them with building new swimming pools and gardens, so the world can say wow look Iraqis are enjoying themselves in this heat. Iraqi boy had his first swim in his life, bla bla bla. What about the Cholera? The cholera thats sweeping many parts of this nation? What about the sewers flooding the streets? Give me a break.
If anything, they should change the flag to just the colour red. A red piece of cloth rifraffing behind them indicating the Blood of the innocent on their hands. Their Filthy Blooded Hands...
September 11, 2008
Revisiting the Angel of Humanity...
11 September 2006
Its a great honour for me to take part in honouring those who gave their lives on that fateful day... Today Im gonna pay tribute to a young lady by the name of Kristin A. Irvine-Ryan... When I got assigned to write about Kristin, I was utterly shocked by the similarites we had...Kristin, a 30 year old woman, newly married lost her life in the World Trade Center... But I personally dont believe that those who died on that day are actually dead...No they are here, here with their families...Looking over them...guarding them...There's a saying in Quran which says :Dont believe that those who die are dead, infact they are with God alive and well... Kristin is now an angel...An angel right next to God...
The more I researched about Kristin, the more I felt connected to her... Kristin was no ordinary person...She co founded a charity Secret Smiles and never told her family about it... She didnt want to flaunt it... From the testimonies I read, Kristin was one hot headed woman, very determined, very focused and most of all always there...always there to lend a hand... Kristin, I know that you will never be forgotten...You and the 3000 people that lost their lives that day are here...You are here with us...You are here with us to remind us....To remind us that we have to fight...fight those who not only invaded our freedom, but also took away the most precious thing we had... Our Lives...
Kristin, I write to you and my heart is filled with sadness and anger...I write to you in hope that you can hear me...hear my cries, hear my pain... I write to you and my heart is clenched... The images of those towers...Those mighty towers, a sign of power...a sign of no fear, crumbling into dust... That day I was sitting at my office in London, watching in horror the events that took place... Watching and my tears never stopped flowing... The images of people having to choose between choking to death, or falling to their deaths... I always wandered, everyday ever since that day how did people feel...What was going inside their minds... What was their last thoughts...What was your last thought Kristin... What was your last words??? I will never know...
I come from a religeon that respects life... Theres a saying in Quran, One who kills an innocent life is like killing a whole nation... Those who did this act are nothing but sinners... They will go to hell and you mark my words... Islam does not believe in them, for they interpret God's words to serve their own agenda, their own evil hunger... I am a Muslim, yet I cried for you, I cried for all of you... I am a Muslim and I condemned these heinous acts... I am a Muslim, yet those who committed these crimes are no brothers of mine...Kristin, your memory will go on... Your spirit is here, here with those who care...
Five years ago, humanity was shaken... Five years later and humanity is still at war... We are at war with Terrorism... Terrorism has taken new forms and new shape... Terrorism has taken over my country Iraq... Terrorism has taken hundreds of thousands of lives...Innocent Lives... But as I said, these lives may not be here with us physically, but their spirits are lingering about, protecting us with the help of God... You know Kristin, I always thought that those who die innocently are the chosen ones... The chosen ones by God... They are the ones that will fill heaven with their goodness... Fill heaven with their spirits... Kristin, your loss probably was beyond painful, but I say this, you are the lucky ones...The lucky ones that were chosen by God on that Day...
As I write this, Im getting goosebumps...For all of a sudden I feel a surge of energy...A strange tingling feeling that just ran through my body... I just looked outside the window, and I can see a glimpse of the Sun's rays trying hard to fight the clouds... Is that You Kristin...Is that You??? Is that you trying to shed a smile on Brendan and your family???
I dont know you Kristin, but somehow, I really wish I did...I really wish I had met you, I wish I had spoken to you... I have so many questions in my mind... We come from two different cultures yet I feel so close...so close to your ideas...to your ways... Kristin, I may not have suffered the pain your family suffered with your loss...But Im suffering everyday through the Iraqi children's eyes...Those eyes that are innocently forced shut by the same people that ended your life... We will get them Kristin, if not in my lifetime then in my children's life time... We have to get them...We have to...There is no other way...
Your name and your Spirit Kristin A Irvine-Ryan will ever be engraved in millions of people's minds and hearts and I assure you it will forever be engraved in mine...For you are still here, still here with us...Your spirit is soaring high above...Soaring in the ever blue skies...Soaring above with your wings flapping...Flapping in the beautiful breeze... The breeze of hope, the breeze of Life...Flapping forever for you are an Angel... An Angel of Humanity...
September 07, 2008
The blatant Neurotic Iraqi Truth…
Come today and I myself can answer that question. They have done A LOT. I have been a long time critic of the US and this reconstruction program. But three years on and I can see it, see it clearly. The initial stages were a mess. YES. There was no planning what so ever, they had money sitting out there and were “ordered” to “obligate” every penny in the shortest time ever or else it would expire and they wont be able to use it. Hence the chaotic manner of how contracts were awarded.
Right now, not many people can visualize whats really going on here in Iraq. But I can. I have come a long way to realize the reality of it all. Unfortunately though, there are people who prey on bad news. Sorry, no bad news in this post. What you read here, is factual. I have no agenda to benefit from the words Im writing. Reality is, things have been built. Projects have been renovated and fixed. For me, its like a massive canvass of mosaic pieces scattered all over. You cant see the complete piece of art just yet. But its there. It really is. I KNOW.
People have become skeptical, and rightly so. But the question of “What have you done for the Iraqi people today?” should be hung in every Iraqi Ministry and organization instead. I wonder what THEIR answer will be? Because honestly, THEY have done NOTHING, NOTHING for their people, except embezzle money. Yup. That’s the truth. The Iraqis, or to be specific, the Iraqis in the government and higher places, are the laziest most unreliable people ever. They have no interest in benefitting their country nor their people. They are first class crooks!!! And seriously, none of them deserve to be here!
I will give you an example, a very simple one without breaching any confidentiality. Take Project A. Within the scope of work of that project, is to give training to the Iraqi engineers inorder for them to learn techniques on how to handle maintaining the state of the art systems installed. It’s the Ministry’s call to choose who to send to these training sessions, which initially were held in England, Italy, Jordan, Egypt etc. Key word here is “Maintenance”. You don’t send the general manager, or a secretary or the vice president!?! You send engineers that will have hands on experience, people who actually will do the dirty work and who need to know the nitty gritty.
Ministry comes back with a huge list of names. Ofcourse none are the hands on people. They took it as a tourism trip. Many wouldn’t even attend the sessions, instead they would go out and have fun. Ok, granted, they are in need of some freedom, some air to breathe. BUT, this is a project worth millions of dollars. Anyhow, they come back from training with ofcourse no lessons learnt. The Americans have completed the project, and left. Job is done. Finished.
A week, literally a week after it was handed over to the Iraqis, the project was in tatters! Parts of it burnt, and others unfixable. A project worth millions of dollars gone down the drains!!! Down the drains JUST LIKE THAT!!! No, Its not the Americans fault. They have completed the job. It’s the Iraqis fault for not wanting to learn. For not wanting to take care of these essential projects. So seriously “What have YOU done for the Iraqis Today?”
People are scared that the US will leave. Those are the same people that were fighting the US. The same people who killed and butchered them. The same people who swore a Jihad War against them. Now they want them to stay? Wow, truly we are people of contradictions. In my own “humble” opinion, I think its time for the US to leave. I used to think they should stay to correct the mayhem and chaos they have started, but no. There is no point anymore. Its now the Iraqis turn to stand on their feet.
Yes, there will be bloodshed, no doubt. But this cant go on forever. Iraqis have become weak. Weak and far too dependant on others. They have become ungrateful, greedy, evil people. And here again, I mean the ones in government and higher up. Very few care. Very few. If the coalition forces keep supporting them via money, project rebuilding, security etc, Iraqis will never be able to stand on their feet. NEVER. And inorder to survive they HAVE TO LEARN!!!
Remember, for the past 35 years or more, this country was ruled by one and only one ruthless leader. All these in power now, never ever dreamt that the day will come where THEY will have a say and the power. Its just like picking someone off the streets and giving him a million dollars. Something he never tasted before. If the person is good natured, then he will do good things. If he has an evil streak then wave goodbye…And I think I have waved many goodbyes regarding this Iraqi government. Theyre USELESS!
I also learnt that we are such a whining bunch of people. Ughhhh. I know I mustn’t generalize, but being here all this time, made me get off my high horse. FINALLY. Iraqis are not saints nor are the foreign troops. But we blame the US for Haditha, we blame the US for Abu Ghraib, we blame the US for every friggin damn thing, when in reality, we miss the whole point of looking within ourselves. Did we forget the hundreds of tortured prisoners in the Interior ministry??? Did we forget those innocent orphans that were starved to death by their own Iraqi caretakers??? Wow! Did we forget the raping, killing, kidnapping, torture of women and children by OUR OWN PEOPLE??? If we Iraqis, cannot respect our own blood, why do we expect strangers, to respect us!!!
Yeah we tend to have a very short term memory. We always turn the tables around and play the blame game. ENOUGH. Five years on and we cant get along. Five years on, and we cant even stand on our own feet. Even a five year old kid has more will than this 26 million nation!!! WAKE UP. WAKE and ask yourself. Ask yourself what have you done for the Iraqis today? Stop being a bunch of hypocrites and narcissists. No wonder Iraqis are doomed everywhere. This is the truth. The blatant Neurotic Iraqi Truth…
September 06, 2008
The “REALLY” Question…
Well Im glad to see the great interest everyone is having with my departure. My departure AND departure date. Never thought it would be such an interesting source of conversation between people. I know some are sad and others probably cant wait to see me LEAVE, at the same time, I need them to understand that although I took that decision, it doesn’t mean that Im not sensitive and emotional about it. Bloody hell, Im leaving behind memories, memories of the only time I have lived in my own country, memories that I can actually remember. So no I don’t appreciate people reminding me every second of the day….Ughhhhh
Some have even suggested a farewell do. WOW. No thanks is always my answer. Dont want any farewells, nor speeches. I just want to leave in peace. Yes its nice of them to suggest it, but no, because I know my emotions will takeover, and once my emotions do that, it will be a never ending story. Best way is to escape, escape the incognito way :)
That’s all Im posting today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. A day void of that horrible irritating question. The “REALLY” Question…